Narrator: Previously, on "Childrens Hospital"...
Blake: Dori, that was a little intimate.
Dori: Oh, I don't think I'll get pregnant from that.
Blake: Let me guess. You're pregnant.
Dori: Yeah. I'm sorry.
Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.
Owen: No!
Dori: What?
That is so complicated.
Glenn: Do you remember Detective Chance Briggs, Owen's former partner on the police force?
Cat: Uh, I think so.
What, he has brown hair and a mustache?
Briggs: Anybody up for a mustache contest?
I win.
Cat: What about him?
Glenn: I don't know.
Just something to keep in mind, I guess.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
5.02 - Triangles
Sal: Attention!
Staff, that is all.
Owen: Hey, Dori.
Where you headed?
Dori: Oh, I'm taking Willy into the city.
He's never had soup noodles.
Owen: Oh. Well, Osaka is a very dangerous town.
I could be your escort.
Who knows? We might even enjoy each other's company.
I've been told I make a pretty great escort, like the Ford Motor Corporation.
Dori: The Escort was discontinued in 2003.
Owen: Right. Got me good. [ Chuckles ]
You are so smart.
Dori: Blake!
Um, I'm taking our son into the city.
Did you get my e-mail?
Blake: Uh, I don't know.
I don't really open e-mails from people like you.
I mean, I'm a doctor.
You get it.
Dori: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Owen: Love those bangs.
Dori: Oh.
Blake: Hey, listen.
Um, here's 30,000 yen.
I mean, buy him a taco or something, okay.
Willy: Want to come into the city with us, Mr. Dad?
Blake: Well, I would, because we're technically family, but, I mean, you get it.
Dori: Come on, honey.
Blake: Hmm.
Na.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Willy: I have to pee.
Dori: Sounds like someone has to go pee.
Let's go.
Willy: I can go by myself.
Dori: Okay, honey.
Just be careful.
And remember to tap your pee-pee!
Willy: I pre-tapped it!
Dori: Okay.
Willy: [ Whistling ]
[ Door opens ]
[ Men arguing in Japanese ]
[ Gasps ]
Dori: But, officer...
Dori: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying.
Engel: Maybe I can be of some assistance here.
My name is Detective Chuck Engel.
My partner and I are here as part of an international cop exchange program.
Dori: Partner? I don't see any partner.
Briggs: That's because you weren't looking in this direction.
If we're gonna catch those mean man, we need to know exactly what you saw.
Willy: [ Gulps ]
Briggs: My word. That's urine. Pure.
Son, those men... are they the murderers or are you just peeing in your pants because you pee in your pants?
Willy: I've had a lot of sports drinks today, but in this case, murderers.
[ Beep ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Kaiju: Police Chief Kaiju.
Briggs: Chief Kaiju. It's Briggs.
I know who did it.
It's Gojira and Mosura.
The kid took one look at 'em and peed in his pants.
Kaiju: Uh, did my name come up?
Briggs: No. Why?
Kaiju: I just want to make sure I wasn't under suspicion in any way.
Briggs: No. Like, why would you even ask that?
Kaiju: Forget I mentioned it.
Hey, Briggs someone's at the door. Will you hold on a sec?
[ Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Speaking Japanese ]
Kaiju: Briggs, I'm back. Wrong number.
Briggs: Chief, while I was on hold with you, Gojira and Mosura got a phone call and then ran off.
Briggs: Kinda weird, huh?
Kaiju: Yes and no.
What about you, Briggs?
Where do you live?
What's your exact address?
Briggs: I live at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Get your stuff! We're getting out of here now!
Engel: Wait! Damn it, Briggs! What the hell is going on?
Briggs: I need to disappear.
Watch your back, partner.
Engel: Wait, did you say, "Watch your black partner?"
How am I suppose to respond to that?
Briggs: No, I said, "Watch your back, partner," although I can definitely see how it sounded like "black" to you.
Engel: No, that's a funny misunderstanding.
Especially considering you do have a black partner.
Briggs: Right. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]
Engel: I don't think I can operate without you, Briggs.
Briggs: Try, Engel.
Engel: No, I'm serious...
Briggs: I said try, Engel.
Come on.
Owen: Dori! You're back!
I was worried sick about you!
Briggs: Don't worry.
She's safe in my capable yet calloused hands.
Owen: Detective Chance Briggs.
You plus-sized woman's panty set!
What's my old partner doing here?
[ Both chuckle ]
Briggs: Put 'er there.
Dori: You guys were cops together?
Owen: Yeah, and we went to the same college.
Who would have thought a couple of Oberlin grads would end up carrying badges?
So what are you doing here, old boy?
Briggs: Well, let's just say that I need a place to hide.
Both: "That I need a place to hide."
Owen: But surely you can't be serious.
Briggs: I am serious...
And don't ever question my seriousness.
Dori: Please, Dr. Maestro.
If they find Willy, they'll k*ll him, too.
Briggs: What do you say, old friend?
Help us out?
Owen: Well, you're gonna need a disguise.
Come with me.
Congratulations, Private Briggs!
You're in the United States army now.
Briggs: All right.
Kaiju: Where's Briggs?
'Cause there's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426 then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard.
It's a sham address.
Engel: Look, I told you. He didn't tell me anything.
Kaiju: Watch your back.
Engel: Did you say, "Watch your black"?
What's that supposed to mean?
Kaiju: I said, "back."
I've just got kind of a wonky accent, so it sounded like I said "black", but I said "back."
Engel: I gotcha. I gotcha.
[ Radio tuning ]
[ Slow music plays ]
[ Door opens ]
Dori: Hi.
Briggs: Hi.
Dori: I brought you a piece of pie and some Doritos and two slices of watermelon.
Briggs: Triangle-shaped foods. My favorite.
Dori: Thank you, Detective Briggs, for all that you've done for us.
Folks usually aren't so nice to me and Willy.
Broadcaster: Here's an oldie for all you lovers out there.
Dori: Oh, I love this song!
I watched Owen lose his virginity to this song at Oberlin.
Dori: Cool.
Briggs: Can you just keep it down for a second?
Dori: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.
Briggs: Would you to care to dance, my lady?
Dori: I would love to.
Briggs: Can you feel it?
My erection?
Dori: I haven't had a man in so long.
Take me! Take all of me!
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Dori: Yeah! Chance!
Briggs: Shh!
Dori: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Sal: Attention staff, Chance Briggs.
That is all.
[ Ringing ]
Kaiju: Moshi moshi.
Owen: Yes, I have some information on the whereabouts of Detective Chance Briggs that you may be very interested in.
Willy: Mommy, I heard weird noises last night.
Is everything okay?
Briggs: Your mom and I were making love, son.
Willy: What does "making love" mean?
Dori: Umm, it's... it's kind of hard to explain, honey.
Briggs: Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.
Dori: You know when mommy tries to put a Pringles can down the disposal?
Willy: I don't understand.
Briggs: It's like when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vag*na a bunch of times in a row.
Willy: You did that to my mommy?
Briggs: Damn right I did.
Willy: Wow. I regret asking.
[ Grunts ]
Dori: [ Screams ]
Briggs: Owen!
Dori: No, no, no!
Owen: What the heck was that all about?
Dori: The K*llers found Briggs! You have to help him, please!
Owen: Oh, you're trembling. You look so cold.
Dori: I'm so scared!
Oh, thank you so much.
Okay.
Owen: This feels so right, doesn't it?
Dori: What?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Owen: Hey, guys.
Guys, wait up!
Look, Mosura, I just talked to Chief Kaiju, and he needs to talk to you right away.
So I'll watch the prisoner.
Owen: He's at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Hai!
Briggs: Whew.
Got ourselves out of another jam, huh, partner?
Owen: Yeah.
Dori: [ Screaming ]
Briggs: Oh, wait. No, this is still going.
Engel: No, you're not!
Briggs: Don't worry.
You did really great, for a black guy.
Engel: What'd you say?
Forget about it. I just heard you wrong.
Dori: [ Chuckles ]
Willy: Mommy! Help me!
Dori: Oh, right.
My son, this whole thing.
Kaiju: I'm gonna k*ll him!
Blake: No, you're not!
Let him go.
Kaiju: Why should I?
Blake: Because he's the only family I've got.
[ g*nsh*t ]
Briggs: Well, I guess I should be going now.
You're not going anywhere, Briggs.
You're in the army now.
We're shipping out to Kandahar.
Briggs: But I was just hiding!
We're all hiding from something, private.
♪ Get me out of this place ♪
♪ I am a man ♪
♪ get this blood off my face ♪
♪ let me live again ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
Sal: Attention, staff.
If you are under 30, "witness" came out before you were born.
That is all.
05x02 - Triangles
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.