06x03 - Basic Crisis Room Decorum

[bunniefuu]

Frankie, are you awake?

I'm in bed, but I only rest half my brain at a time.

Greendale in jeopardy.

Need to call emergency meeting, ASAP, no time to explain.

I can be at the school in 30 minutes, and I can have the dean notify the others.

Could you notify the others?

You don't think the Dean can handle it?

Do what you think is best.

Annie Edison requesting emergency meeting at school in 30. Greendale in trouble.

I'll notify the others.

I can do that if you like.

I think I can handle notifying others, thank you very much.

Annie, Jeffrey, emergency meeting at the school in 30 minutes.

I already know. I'm the one calling the meeting.

What up, yo?

Who is this other number?

It's a group text. I'm texting you and Jeffrey.

It's me. I am Jeffrey, best friend of Dean.

Hi, Jeffrey. Hm.

Dean, that number is not in my phone as Jeff's, and it doesn't even look like an American phone number.

Oh, my God. How stupid can I get?

You never told me you gave Annie a fake phone number.

Yes Dean, this is me, Jeffrey, you are best friend.

Hold on, I'll cover.

You're right, I had the wrong number, see you at the school.

I am so sorry, Jeffrey. I hope I didn't get you in trouble.

No worries, Dean. I love you.

You're always so sweet, when we're texting, but then in real life.

Bro, I just secret that way with love. You know, my style.

We keep loving in text, but then secret forever.

Meow.

Oh, hm.

Meow.

Annie, if you're not dying, I'm gonna m*rder you.

I had to remove my night cream, it's $200 an ounce.

It's 3 A., in the fricking morning Edison, what gives you the right to haul us in here.

Chang, how did you even find out about this?

I have a right to be here.

Hi!

Why are you awake?

I have a theory about this, Britta may be secretly twins.

No, I was working.

At the bar? Does that mean you're drunk?

Could a drunk person do this?

Hi, everybody.

Jeffrey.

Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this email from a friend that interns at KZBC.

The TV station?

No, the unrelated, totally random combination of those four letters.

Meow.

Subject heads up. Annie, still going to Greendale?

Thought you should know, City College is running a negative ad about your school at 7 A.M.

Heard it's pretty bad.

Let me see that. City College is running an att*ck ad?

That's a first.

They're getting desperate. Our registration numbers are trending upward.

Because the population keeps growing, and no one here ever graduates.

Actually, our numbers are up because of improvements Frankie's made.

Those improvements, were only possible through your hard work, Annie.

Oh, get a boardroom.

Interesting.

When were you gonna hear the whole truth about this, AND not just the parts that suit you?

What?

"PS I was glad to hear Brenda's doing better."

Ha? Ha?

Just because City College is scared, doesn't mean they're not dangerous.

Is there anything in particular they could smear us with?

Nothing in particular, just overlapping clouds of many thousands and thousands of things.

Let's not forget the Brenda factor.

There isn't a Brenda factor.

He says she's doing better. Better than what?

Her thyroid condition! Can you focus?

Can Brenda?

Probably more so, now.

Okay, we need to see this ad before it airs.

I'm working on getting us a copy.

I have friends in the AV department at City College.

Ooh la la.

The brotherhood of AV exists your petty factionalism.

We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, audio.

Oh, could you guys be bigger nerds?

No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Well, Annie's right.

We do have a situation here, so we will make this our situation room.

Yes.

We need whiteboards, corkboards, laptops.

A bunch of clocks with different times on them, a red phone, a big tabletop map with little n*zi tanks, and, or a Godzilla.

The ad airs at 7 A.M.

That means we have four hours and 13 minutes, to figure out what they're throwing at us and how to respond.

You know, it's the darndest thing, I think Britta somehow crapped in my pants too.

Uh-huh, better head home.

Jeff, you can't just leave a situation room.

It's only a situation room, because she called it that.

I mean I could declare it a...

Cookie room!

There are no cookies. There is a situation.

You guys, where's the Greendale spirit! Where's the pride?

I'm fine.

Found it.

She was wandering around campus, without pants.

What's going on in here?

Situation room.

What's the situation?

Brenda's got a bad thyroid.

I'm sorry to hear that. You can keep the pants.

I'm going back to bed.

I'm going with him.

I'm gonna watch.

Got it!

Downloading it now.

You work hard to earn your degree, and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable.

So, why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs?

In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up residence on Greendale's campus.

By 2008, Ruffles had earned a Bachelor's Degree.

Not a two year degree, a four year degree.

Where will you get your degree?

If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned.

Paid for by City College, license 264392.

Did we give a degree to a dog?

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Okay, it's okay, it's all right.

So, this is Greendale, not City College?

I'm gonna get more pants.

They've been calling me in to do more stuff lately. It's pretty exciting.

Well trust me, we'll be lucky if we get in three words before.

The first step is to pull our facts. The most important one being, Dean Pelton.

Did Greendale Community College give a degree to a dog?

I seem to recall, no.

No way. There's absolutely no way.

Not that dog.

That dog?

You remember the dog.

Was it enrolled in classes?

Hm.

How are these hard questions?

Why, are these the questions you're asking?

You don't wanna know, if a dog got a degree here?

It's not important.

What I wanna know is, did a dog get a degree here, in any way that can be proven?

Ooh, I like that, Jeffrey.

I don't like that! I like the truth.

Play lawyer on your own time.

This is my own time. You wanna be invested?

Well, this dump cuts my paychecks, and I've got three hours to defend it.

So, how many seconds of that should I waste on truth, which is an artificial construct that rarely holds up in court, and has never changed the outcome of a fight.

I'm sorry you have to see him like this.

Well, he is right about one thing, if City College can't support their claim, it's libel, we can have the station pull the ad, but that is precisely why the truth does matter.

The Brenda paradox.

I found the dog.

I also found a lot of people's social security numbers.

You know, this incident's gone to far.

Yeah.

This says she's registered as a border terrier.

They said in the commercial.

Isn't that something?

I mean we've known this animal 30 seconds and she's already unreliable.

Who is the real Ruffles?

I'm sorry. Our strategy is to go after the dog?

Our strategy is denial, which includes discrediting the source.

Aben, can you make one of those att*ck ads?

Jeff wants me to make me an att*ck ad. So, why is he a pedophile?

Just demonstrating the formula.

You can refine your technique as you go.

I wanna know everything about this Ruffles, she thinks she went to this school, fine.

But, maybe she thinks cat turds are delicious.

And maybe she barks just a little bit more, at black mailmen.

And she's spayed now, but how many puppies are out there?

If you do this, we're no better than City College.

We've never been better than City College. We gave a degree to a dog.

Allegedly, this conversation is privileged.

I could do a Banksy style stencil of a dog, and spray paint it all over a school.

That sounds great!

But first, why don't you go get a bunch of coffee, drink all of it, then go get some more and bring it back here.

I actually love that idea.

Mm-hm.

I'll go with her.

She's wearing my pants.

I know this is crazy, but I'm gonna check the school records to see if, you know, we gave a degree to a dog.

We didn't.

That's good.

You guys go find that truth you love so much.

If it's the kind. Kind we can use, bring it back.

If not, you know, stuff gets lost.

No. No. Bad! We are better than City College.

We always have been.

Which is why I know, that we did not give a degree to a dog.

Oh.

I say we fight fire with fire.

City College try to embarrass us? We should embarrass them, right?

Right.

I say I go to City College with a camera, sh**t a really gross p*rn movie on their campus and put it online.

Fine.

Cool.

Wait, what?

It's very inspiring to watch you work.

You are inspiring, too.

In what way?

I need olives, can you bring me olives?

Not again. You did this a month ago.

Then I brought them to you, and you acted like you hated them.

It's only my style to be secret, please bring me five can of olive.

Five cans?

But don't believe me if I say I don't like. I'm just pretending I hate olives.

Honestly? I couldn't care less if they gave a dog a degree.

Me neither.

In fact, I kinda hope they do.

Well, why is that?

I don't know.

They all treat me like I'm a joke.

But if a dog got a degree, that means we're all a joke.

Mm.

Whoa.

Natalie is freezing?

You know them?

Yeah of course I know. But how do you?

You're...

Black?

No. Old.

Oh, I'm sorry I just meant that, when I was into them I was like 15.

I was like 40.

I never really listened to music, when I was growing up.

I was in my own world, but one day at work, I heard this sound.

It was Pillar of Garbage.

Oh, that is their best song. Best song.

I've got it right here.

Would you play it?

Yeah.

[MUSIC]

You know, you know what?

You know, those guys are going to need coffee if they're going to keep that dog from having a degree.

There are things at, at stake here. I, I get that now.

I found the smell. Someone filed a taco.

Things that will otherwise get filed straight to my thighs.

Hm, so I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but.

Do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?

I'm not psychic Annie, that's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.

But, what do you hope is true?

Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance.

Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister.

Hope is the deformed addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear.

My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming.

What's true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.

You sound a little like Jeff.

Jeff said I sound like Abed.

I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang.

I assume Change thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies, you know, he's unstable, right?

Yep.

Oh, a transcript for Ruffles.

You think that's our guy?

I do.

Oh my God.

So many classes.

See what hope does?

Screw you, Frankie!

I'm sorry, Annie. But I don't think you're seeing this for what it is.

It's a transcript for a dog. A really, really long one!

It's proof that Jeff was right. This school has no value.

Yeah, but this folder has no degree. Look.

What's that?

Victory.

You know, within the context of Greendale.

Would it be better if we...

No.

Never know until you try.

Never know until I try.

What?

I said we're quite a team.

Here's the coffee. Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

We could use some fresh eyes on this cut.

We could?

Has anyone told you you're difficult to work with?

Everyone in your line of work.

This is Ruffles.

She'd like you to believe she's a college graduate and a good girl.

But Ruffles is anything, but...

When Ruffles moved into her neighborhood in 2007, dead squirrels went up by 17%.

Coincidence?

Ask this bunny.

Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout, impersonated a lobster, has had 27 children with five different fathers, and, according to one local doctor, has worms.

Ruffles might claim she doesn't.

Ruffles claims a lot of things, maybe that's why Ruffles once spent time on death row.

Ruffles, not a lobster, not a student, not a good dog.

Paid for by humanity versus Ruffles.

I originally wanted the voice over to be a James roll Jones impersonator, but the James bater impersonator turned out pretty good.

I do wish he'd leave, though.

You really let that dog have it.

Yeah.

Which I, I realize, is important now.

Is it okay if I crash on...

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

What are you doing?

Nothing at all.

I wouldn't say that. You just put five huge cans of olives next to me.

Just something I felt like doing.

This isn't the first time you've done this.

I'm really confused by this.

Is it code for something?

I don't know.

And I don't care.

Jackpot, relative to Greendale.

My God, look at the course load, this dog was an animal.

Most of them were attendance based.

How is this good news?

Unpaid library fees, 15 dollars, diploma withheld until payment remitted.

No degree, the commercial's a lie.

I'm gonna call the station right now and have them pull the ad.

Eat crap Ruffles, and not just your own.

Guys, let it go.

What are you talking about?

The sad truth is that a dog can get a degree here.

Yeah, but the happy truth is none did.

There's a difference between truth and honesty.

Library dues? Who cares!

Ruffles put the work in relative to Greendale.

That City College ad may be technically a lie, but it's really dishonest to k*ll it on a technicality.

And dragging this dog's name through the mud?

That's worse than dishonest. That's evil!

Evil?

I'll cop to silly.

Somethings are silly and evil, like candy cigarettes.

And remember when Flava Flav had that reality show?

I don't own a TV.

Honestly, I think the most honest thing we can do right now.

The only thing that will make us better then City College, is to let that ad run and take our lumps.

Annie, this started with me sleeping and getting yelled at for not helping.

If it ends with you yelling at me for not sleeping, that's not a story, that's a German art film.

Let, let it go.

I am a female student being physically overpowered by a male teacher.

Damn it! Britta, get her.

Frankie, get her!

Annie, sweetie, think about this practically.

If being better than City College means letting them destroy us then what is the point?

If surviving means being like them, what's the point?

Why not let one school die, and enroll at the one where my grades matter.

If those are your terms.

If the price of that transcript is you transferring?

We accept. Personally, I hope you're bluffing.

Yeah, well, here's what hope gets you. Hope and $1.49 will get you a candy bar.

Buck 79.

Are you serious? Jesus!

Have fun with your lying, cheating, dog smearing, truth blurring, trouser swapping school.

I don't remember when candy bars were 50 cents.

If someone says, hey, I just joined Mensa.

Or I consider myself a postmodern this or that.

You could say yeah, that and $. 50 could get you a candy bar, or that and a quarter could get you a phone call.

It was easy to be unimpressed back then.

I mean it was, literally, cheaper.

All right, we're kinda bummed out right now. Annie has just left.

Oh, were you guys close?

Abed, I don't wanna talk right now.

Okay.

Just so you know, the Greendale ad is gonna go up any time now.

I thought you might want to see it.

You know I don't to be a part of that.

Just trust me.

This is Ruffles.

Ruffles was a student at Greendale Community College, she came really close to getting a degree, which means two things.

She's an exceptional dog, and Greendale really needs to get its sh*t together.

We're working on it.

We're working hard.

And the good news is, when you work hard at Greendale, no matter who or what you are, it pays off.

Right, Ruffles?

Jesus.

Greendale Community College. You're already accepted.

You guys I knew you wouldn't do that to Ruffles.

You hoped.

I hoped and it worked.

Hope points.

Hope points.

You do understand that what we did, was also just the most prudent tactical move, getting in front of the scandal Letterman style.

Yes, Jeff, don't worry. I promise I'll never mistake you for having a heart.

Thank you.

Kiss City College goodbye.

I did it.

Did what?

That stuff we talked about.

- Who are you?

I'm the plumber?

Why?

Here's why!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Aw.

This is p*rn? Doy.

You're the only actor.

So?

What kind of lens is this?

Who cares?

You might be a genius.

Why did you do this?

What parent is going to let their kid go to a school if a p*rn got sh*t there?

But you sh*t in front of a plaster wall that could be anywhere.

And you're wearing your Greendale T-shirt.

Okay genius, but the title is Chang does Greendale, oh wait.

Reshoots.

The Dean? Hellos?

Are you in trouble? Is everything okay?

Is life hard everywhere? Is everyone alone?

All the time. Are you at home Jeffrey? Should I come over?

You cannot come to me. I must confession you...

I am not Jeffrey.

I understand. I rarely know who I am.

No, I mean I am not Jeffrey.

Let it out.

I am Takashi. I am teenage boy in Tokyo.

I think we all are sometimes.

I am sorry for making fun before, but now I need a friend.

Why don't I bring you some olives tomorrow, Jeffrey?

I am not Jeffrey!

I am not the Dean!

I often think about that night.

Such a small event, but ultimately... the moment that would lead me to becoming Ioban.

Highest the leader of the Yakuza.