01x08 - The Ghost in the Machine

[bunniefuu]

(Mysterious theme playing)

Can you say "newspaper"?

(Speaking gibberish)

No, that sounds like "newsraper."

Say "news."

News.

"Paper."

Raper.

Nah, it still sounds like "raper."

Ah, you know what? I got an idea.

Let's try something else. Look at this.

Can you say "peach"?

Peach.

Peach. You said it. Do you want it?

Do you want to eat the peach?

All right, here we go.

(Gobbling) Oh, my gosh.

(Chuckles)

You devoured that thing.

Oh, I wish I had more peaches. That was my lunch.

Customer. Bye.

Hi.

You're the guy who gets rid of ghosts?

Um, I deal with ghosts, yeah.

Okay, look, I have a gig for you.

My father just d*ed, and I found out that he was keeping a secret apartment in midtown.

And I would like to hold onto it.

The secret?

No, the apartment.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's in great location, it's rent controlled. The only problem is I went in there and there was this, like, evil cackling coming from inside the walls.

Yeah, okay. Had you told any jokes?

Uh, no.

Maybe it was a nervous laughter.

Right. Look, it doesn't matter.

If you could just look into it, that would be top-notch.

You got it. Yeah.

Here's the address.

The manager will let you in. Tell him I sent you.

And, uh, that'll be it.

Let me know when you find something and we can talk money.

Oh, yeah, before you take off, do you want a candy bar or something? I got...

No, no. This looks terrible.

Okay, well, to each their zone.

(Upbeat theme playing)

(Mysterious theme playing)

Well, thank you for letting me in, Mr. Mosalata.

Please. Taro.

So Jeremy said his dad rented this place.

Did you know him?

Nah, never met him.

He'd been here for 40 years or something.

Well before I started.

What about paying rent?

Every month a rent check would slip through the vent and land on my table.

Until about three months ago when the rent checks stopped.

So I came up to check on the guy, make sure he wasn't dead.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

He didn't answer, so I let myself in.

But it was just... like this.

Like no one had been here in decades.

Well, I can see why Jeremy liked the place so much.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Yeah, thanks, Terry.

Taro.

Uh, yeah.

(Shivers)

(Grunting)

Well, that's stuck.

Gotta be a he-man or something.

(Bird squawking)

"Herro"?

What about this guy?

Oh, it's hinged to the...

(door creaks)

Oh.

Awesome.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Oh, cool.

(Gasps)

That's awesome. (Laughing)

Whoa.

Parrot: Herro.

Hey. That's my line.

What is this place, huh?

It's my office.

Uh, who are you?

Announcer: Master inventor, Rube Goldberg, perfected the art of creating complicated machines built only to complete a simple task.

His intention was to point out man's capacity for exerting maximum effort to accomplish minimum results.

Rube Goldberg.

Now do you know who I am?

Yes. Yeah.

Obviously you are the guy who invented all those Rube Goldberg machines.

Close enough.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Whoa-ho-ho. Well done, sir.

(Chuckles)

Hi. Uh, sorry, my name is Kevin Pacalioglu.

I've been waiting for someone like you, Kevin.

I've been waiting for the past 40 years.

I need your help.

With what?

Finishing one final machine.

The greatest Rube Goldberg machine of all time.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Jeremy: My grandfather?

Yeah. Yeah, apparently this was Rube's secret office.

He put it under your dad's name so no one would bother him.

Your dad didn't even know.

Wait, Rube Goldberg d*ed in the 1970s.

How does a ghost pay rent for 40 years?

That's the coolest part. Rodrigo here was holding down the fort the whole time.

How is that even possible?

Oh, Jeremy, let me drop a little avian knowledge on you.

Parrots can live to be 80 years old in captivity.

They often outlive their owners.

Especially when they've been taught to feed themselves.

This is how he did it.

He pooped in this little tray right here.

You see that? At the end of every month, when this got heavy enough and full of enough bird poo, it would tip and it would flip little switch on right here, causing this contraption to whir to life.

This little arm would write a check, and this fan would blow it into the vent right here, which is directly above the building manager's office.

That went on for like 40 years.

Until about three months ago, when your gampy removed this one domino right here, stopping the payments.

Why?

I think because he wanted you to find the place and then hire me.

He wants me to help him build his final machine.

(Mysterious theme playing)

You know what? Forget it.

Uh, forget what?

The job. Just cancel the job.

I don't want you helping that man.

What? No. Why?

Rube Goldberg destroyed this family.

I don't want you helping him move on or find peace or any of that.

He can rot away as a ghost for all I care.

Good day to you, sir.

No, see, ghosts don't rot, first of all.

They kind of just like look the same as they did when...

Oh, sh**t. Hey, what the hell, man?

What... what about the money?

(Squeaks) Rube: I can pay you.

If you finish this job, I'll pay you whatever you want.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, Rube.

I've had lots of ghost clients before and they always seem to have trouble opening their wallets, if you know what I mean.

I'm different.

I was able to pay rent for the past 40 years, right?

That's true, you did.

How does $10,000 sound?

Ten thousand dollars? That's amazing.

That, like, would change my whole life.

You got yourself a deal, sir.

All right, there are three items I need to complete my machine.

The first item is a very special prototype for a new kind of spring.

There is only one in existence.

You'll pretend to be delivering fruit.

No one ever questions a fruit basket.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I got some fruit.

Qaddumi.

Where is that spring catalogue?

Which one?

The winter catalogue with the new spring collection.

Uh, tomorrow, tomorrow, the latest.

If we don't have that winter catalogue by noon tomorrow, you're sprung.

You can't just spring that on me.

What does your little lucky 7 ball say, huh?

Does it say you're the boss?

Or does it say I'm the boss?

Rube: The next item is a four-hole bowling ball.

There's one Alley in New York where I know this ball exists.

(Bowling pins clattering)

Kevin: Who would ever need a four-hole ball?

Rube: A guy with six fingers.

Excuse me. Uh, still using that ball.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm always doing that. Yeah.

Can't we just, uh...?

(Bone cracks) Ah! Damn it!

You broke my finger! Gah! Damn.

Rube: The final item on the list The kindergarten class pet at Charles Bukowski Elementary.

It's a hamster. Not any hamster.

It's a blind hamster.

Oi, look at this w*nk*r.

What? Oh.

Oh, ha-ha.

Okay, very funny, guys. Step aside.

Sorry, mate. You gotta pay the toll.

Uh, no. No, I don't, because I'm an adult and adults don't pay tolls, genius.

Ah! Where does that come from? Was that you?

Why would you do that? What are you...?

What are you, little David Beckham?

You've got quite the leg for a 10-year-old. That stings.

(Groans)

Oh. Hey, guys. You turned my grapes into raisins.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Hey.

Hey, man, where the hell you been?

You know how I am on punctuality.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Roof, I tried to call.

You know what? Take one of my burner phones, man.

Hey, Roof, when someone is, like, super intimidating, but they're the only thing standing in the way of you receiving some, like, life-changing reward, what's the best way to, uh... bypass them completely?

Hmm.

The way I see it, man, you gotta face your fears.

You know. Like, I had a fear of abandonment as a child.

And... and now my fears came back.

(Chatter)

(Clears throat)

Hey, you.

And you.

I thought you weren't ready for a relationship.

And here you are on a date.

With a very famous detective, no less.

Uh, which... Oh, that actually means that you... you are ready for a relationship.

Perhaps my gentle let-downs haven't been explicit enough to get through to your sourdough bread bowl of a brain.

Let me make myself perfectly clear.

I would never date anyone like you.

Ever.

In fact, the only reason I might consider having you around is because when I look at you, it makes me not want to eat.

I'd just like to chime in here for a minute.

I'm not, uh, I'm not actually a detective.

Um, I'm a, ahem, highly acclaimed television actor.

I could be doing movies too, but I prefer...

Fitz. Shut the (Bleep) up.

The point is, is that Paul Fitzgerald is attractive, successful, and a homeowner.

You, on the other hand, will never amount to anything.

You know something?

You are nothing like the sweet, and kind Camomile I used to dream of growing old with.

And you.

You are nothing like the smooth and confident detective that you play on the TV.

Which I guess, makes you a really amazing actor, actually.

So good for you.

Namaste.

And you're wrong about me, Camomile.

I will not never amount to nothing.

I'm... I will not...

Get out.

Out.

How does $10,000 sound?

Ten thousand dollars? That's amazing.

That, like, would change my whole life.

You will never amount to anything.

Roofie: The way I see it, man, you gotta face your fears.

(Laughing)

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

All right, listen up, snot wads.

Step aside before I clean your clocks off.

Is that a fact, w*nk*r?

What's a "fackwanker"?

Hit him.

Oh, what just happened?

Get out of here!

Let's go.

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Chittering)

(Whispering): Hey, little fella. Don't be afraid.

Take you out on a little adventure.

(Whispering): Who the hell are you?

Who am I?

Yes.

I'm... I'm 24601.

I'm employee number 24601 from the hamster division.

It's a mandatory hamster inspection.

I'll just borrow this guy and get him out of your hair.

Excuse me. There is a sign-up sheet for Mr. Wibbles.

You need to sign him out.

Oh, yeah, if you could just bump me up on the list...

Listen, I don't make the rules.

Oh...

Thank you.

What is that man doing?

Honey, he's checking...

Is he taking Mr. Wibbles?

Child, it's fine. I'm just borrowing Mr. Wibbles so I can shove him inside of a machine.

No! He's stealing Mr. Wibbles!

(In normal voice): No, I'm not stealing...

Get out or I will extinguish you.

No, no, no. I... ow! Ow! Ow!

(Children screaming)

You're okay.

Get out!

(Bone cracks)

(Screaming)

Hey, Rube. Where's the parrot?

I let rodrigo fly out the window.

His work here was done.

He earned his freedom.

Cool.

Of course, New York City's not a natural habitat for a parrot.

He'll most likely be dead in a week.

Anyway, I got all the stuff for which you asked.

Look at this.

Arab spring.

Four-hole bowling ball.

Lookit. Yeah.

And last, but not least, your blind ham...

Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

Oh, he was recovering so nicely.

You should know that I actually don't need any of these.

You don't need any of these?

Uh-uh.

Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to get this stuff?

There's a teacher at Bakowski Elementary School with a broken leg.

Snapped in half.

Sarah will be fine.

She's gonna be f...

Wait a sec. What are you...? How did you know her name?

My whole life had been devoted to creating these complex machines.

I kept thinking, "what's next?"

When I d*ed, I found that I had completely neglected my family.

That's when I realized that our actions have consequences.

Real consequences.

That's when it struck me.

What if I could build a machine that relied not only on physical dominoes, but metaphysical ones as well?

What if I could create an event that led to another event that led to another event?

And so forth.

So am I supposed to be one of those meta...?

Metaphysical dominoes.

Yeah.

Metaphysical dominoes. Am I one of those?

No. You, Kevin, were necessary to put the metaphysical dominoes in place.

And now, the machine is ready.

Please, would you do me the honor?

Push that domino over.

That one right there?

Rube: Yes.

Yeah.

The other way, genius.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I knew that. There we go.

Ow!

The winter catalog never arrived and we missed the deadline.

The spring collection is ruined.

You're fired!

(Upbeat theme playing)

No, no. I said "lawsuit." Not "clothing suit."

Why would I need a lawsuit dry-cleaned?

(Bird squawks) Is that a parrot?

Okay, now listen. This buzzer's broken over here so if you need me, you just pull this string on the side.

It runs the whole length of the hallway, and it attaches to a see-saw thing that'll ring a bell.

I know it's super janky, but it's like one of those, you know, mouse trap kind of thingies.

It's a Rube Goldberg machine.

(Laughs)

That's funny.

What's funny about that?

No, nothing.

It's just, uh, Rube Goldberg was actually my grandfather.

Rube Goldberg was my grandfather.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Jeremy: Mr. Mosalata.

Please. Taro.

Taro, hey, it's Jeremy Goldberg.

Listen, I think I'm going to keep that apartment after all.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I just ran into my long-lost cousin who I'd never met, and the fact that we have the same grandfather, the very man who rented that apartment, I... I don't know. It seems like it's a sign.

Like it's all part of some bigger plan.

I'll start the paperwork.

Thanks.

Oh, one thing that's definitely, you know, not part of the bigger plan.

That broken window, can you fix that?

I'll take a look at it.

Okay. Thanks.

(Ringing)

Night's coming.

Oh.

(Laughs)

Wow.

(Laughing): Oh, my God.

That was amazing.

I mean, I still like the hand-clapping one, but that was cool.

Oh, Rube, you are awesome.

Wait. Oh...

Wait, Rube.

How am I supposed to get my... my ten grand?

Oh, freaking a! I knew it.

(Cell phone rings) Ah...

Ugh, who's this?

Roofie, it's a bad time, man.

Roofie: No, no. Wait, wait. This is good.

Yo, check this, man.

So I'm taking a taxi yesterday.

All of a sudden a paper airplane flies through the window, hits the cab driver in the face out of nowhere.

We swerve, hit a town car, right?

Guess who's town car we hit.

Uh, James McAvoy?

No.

Steve Myer.

Steven Myer is the mayor of New York.

We elected a mayor Myer?

(Laughing): I know, right?

But check this out.

Me and him get to talking, we chatting, right?

And I asked him, I say, "yo, what's taking so freaking long with the Second Ave. Subway line?"

Yo, get this. He says the workers don't want to work, because it might be haunted.

Subway ghosts.

(Laughing): Yup.

Short story long, how would you like to make $10,000?

(Laughs)

(Upbeat theme playing)