06x07 - Up At 5

[bunniefuu]

(alarm blares)

(cheery theme music)

announcer: It's early! You're watching Up @ 5, America's alternative to sleep, with Pepsi and Alan.

(laughs)

Morning, Pepsi.

Morning, Alan.

Now, can I just say that I am obsessed with today's guests?

There's only two things in this world that I love-- lace trouser socks...

And your husband, Bill.

Yes, and the hit series Childrens Hospital.

Now, have you seen this show, Alan?

I have not.

So have I!

Every episode, tape, DVR, on a plane, side of a bus, I'm naming things, Alan.

And today, it is Childrens Hospital day on Up @ 5.

Some of the cast is gonna be stopping by.

And get this -- the actors have a surprise for us.

I'm obsessed with surprises!

What do you think it's gonna be?

A turtle.

Probably not a turtle, but can you imagine if it was?

I'm obsessed with that idea.

I just farted some coffee.

Please welcome the cast of Childrens Hospital --

Rory Spindell, Ingrid Hagerstown,

Lynn Williams, and Rob Huebel.

Pepsi: Ah!

Oh! Uh-huh!

(all talking at once)

How are you?

(all talking at once)

...a tortilla española.

Now, you're all on a month-long hiatus from sh**ting the show.

How has that break been like for you?

Actually, easy, because--

You know what?

Let me take this one, if you don't mind.

Rory Spindell, everyone.

Rory, you took over the role of Dr. Blake Downs when your brother, longtime cast member Cutter Spindell, was electrocuted and d*ed on-set.

What was it like to take over that role?

Well, as you probably know, I mostly do movies and theater, so I think-- I think that my pedigree gave the show a much-needed jolt.

Like the jolt your brother got before he d*ed.

(both laugh)

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's-- that's exactly right, just like how my brother d*ed.

(laughs) This is fun.

Okay, now, I'm dying to know... What's the surprise?

Well, Pepsi, the cast of Childrens Hospital is super excited to announce that we... are... going... to... be--

Rory: Let me take this one, Bobby, if you don't mind.

We... are... going... to be doing a Childrens Hospital movie!

Pepsi: What?!

Hey! Hot dog!

But... we may not be doing a movie.

Cold dog.

Because we don't have any funding, which is why... we... are...

Please say "bringing a turtle."

We are gonna be crowdfunding, y'all!

I'm obsessed with celebs doing crowdfunding.

Crowdfunding!

Courtney Love said that she used to get molested when she was crowdsurfing.

She was on the show. Big girl.

(slowly and loudly) Ingrid, if this succeeds, it'll be your first English-language film.

Are you terrified of failure?

(speaking Swedish)

You're gorgeous. You know that, don't you?

Beautiful.

Pepsi, we are all so excited about this.

So excited.

So excited.

Lynn Williams, who plays everyone's third-favorite female doctor, Lola Spratt, tell our viewers why they should contribute and make this movie a moo-"we."

Thank you, Pepsi.

Now-- and could you dim the lights a little bit?

No.

Okay.

Viewers, we are all just actors who play doctors who help characters based on people just like you.

We're everyday men and women who are trying to raise $13 million to complete a vanity project.

So won't you put aside your own life dreams and help our whim come true?

Let's help them make their dreams come true.

See? It's like a thermometer, but it measures moneys instead of temperatures.

Now let's go to the map, with meteorologist Mark Matt.

Mark?

Hey, thanks, Alan. Thanks, Pepsi.

Hey, guys. Guess who I'm dressed as.

Uh, a super-villain.

The guy who dreams of Jeannie.

Tilda Swinton.

Gay Ben Affleck!

Charo!

Sorry, I meant to say, "Bay Gen Affleck."

No one! Nothing!

Oh, I know what it is. "Bengay Effect."

Is that what you are dressed as, him, the Bengay Effect?

(laughing) No! That's absolutely wrong.

I'm actually dressed as you, Mr. Rob Huebel.

And I tell you what, I am your biggest fan, and it would be my distinct honor if you would come on up here and join me in giving the forecast.

What do you say, huh?

(cash register dings)

Look, our viewers love that idea.

They've raised over 1,000 moneys.

Whoa. (grunts)

Oh, fine, fine.

Mark: Hey, hey!

Fine, fine, fine.

It is a pleasure.

(sarcastically) Oh, hello.

Yeah.

So, our forecast today looks like it's going to be super windy, with a 100% chance of--

Glitter!

No!! That's not how I would do it!!

Will you excuse me, please?

I'm getting a cellular phone call.

Hello?

Derrick, I can't hear you. Let me walk over here.

Oh, no. Tell me the whole story.

He was decapitated? Oh, no, not again.

Ugh. Sorry I'm late. Some lie about traffic.

Hi, Rob. Did we tell him about the movie thing yet?

(gasps) Oh, my God.

(mumbles)

O.M.G... Dixie Peters, who plays Cat Black.

I think I'm looking at surprise part two, and I'm loving it.

You're pregnant.

What?

No. (laughs)

We had a month off sh**ting, I like cake, and, yeah, I tend to hold weight in my uterus, so...

So who's the lucky cake?

Let's get back to this crowdfunding thing.

How does it work?

Rory, you'll probably take this one.

Love how everyone else so obviously hates you. Go.

(laughs)

I think you're thinking of my character, uh, Blake Downs, who is hated on the show, yes.

Um, crowdfunding works like this.

You give us money, we give you something in return.

Like a masseuse, or a Korean barbecue.

For instance, for $5,000, I'll personally visit you in your dreams.

And whoever donates the most money gets a walk-on part in the movie.

Ohhh!

And everyone who donates gets a signed copy of our script.

That's right... When-- When we have a script.

Alan: Looks like you're one short.

Pepsi: I'm obsessed with scripts, but I've never understood who writes them.

Or why we have to pay for gum.

Well, this script was written by my genius ex-husband, David Wain, who is fresh out of the loony bin and now dating Lynn.

(coughing) I won.

(coughing) At least I didn't get your sloppy seconds.

(coughing) At least I'm better at coughing messages than you are.

(coughing) Not according to David.

(coughing) Wait, really?

(coughing) Does somebody want a cough drop?

Okay, I love what I'm about to suggest.

Since you have the script, Why don't you give us a little taste?

It'd probably just taste like paper.

Okay, why don't we do a really fun scene, scene 15?

Oh!

15's a good one.

Oh, I have the first line. Here we go.

Hey, guys, can anybody take over for me in the O.R.?

I'm fighting something, and it's k*lling me.

Oh, man, I wish I could, Owen, but my hands are tied.

Oh, come on. Valerie?

(speaking Swedish)

sh**t, Owen, I can't do it, and neither can Blake, because he's long gone.

Come on, step up, people. No one's free? Cat?

David: And scene!

Wow.

So-- So -- So where's Blake? I mean, why-- why is Blake long gone? Where did he go?

(speaking Swedish)

Pepsi: This morning, we are all about surprises.

And your director... Surprise! David Wain, is here!

I love it! I love it!

I love it so much, I'm ovulating!

Hi, Pepsi. Hi, Alan.

Great to be here. (chuckles)

(coughing) He sat next to me, bitch!

(coughing) I'm on the other side of him, dummy.

David Wain, why is my character not in the movie?

(laughing) Rory. You know I love you, Rory.

If it was up to me, you'd be the star of this movie,

that movie, every movie, everybody's movie.

You'd be the star of the movie.

But... It's not up to me. (chuckles)

So who's it-- who's it up to, then?

All right, look.

You know, because I'm your biggest cheerleader, I'm gonna throw you a bone.

I'm gonna bottom-line it for you.

You're not in the movie, okay? I mean... (chuckles)

(cash register dings)

Whoa, is it getting hot in here?

The money temperature's rising.

Hey, look at that. The people have spoken.

Let's hear it for Rory Spindell.

No, no, no.

(all murmuring)

No, no! No! No!

I am a movie actor!

I also do theater.

I will-- I will be in this movie.

I will be in this movie!

How about another round of applause for Mr. Rory Spindell!

I will be in this movie!

Acting, right there.

Wow.

Obsessed with the drama!

Now we are gonna be joined by our own doctor, Dr. Sunnit Bharta, to talk to us about the deadly effects of the flu.

Sunnit, do you realize that you're surrounded by TV doctors?

Just like you.

No, I'm a -- I'm a real doctor.

This is what I do.

This is what I do.

(alarms blaring)

Oh, my God!

We're fully funded! The movie's on!

(laughter)

Oh, my God!

Apparently, one very generous donor has funded the whole kit and caturtle.

And that donor was anonymous!

(all groan)

Bummer.

No, I'm sorry, I read that wrong.

It's Rory Spindell.

(laughs)

It's me! I won the walk-on role!

I'm in your movie, mother[bleep].

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Eat it!

Eat it! Eat it!

(laughs) See you on set!

Whoo-hoo!

(cheery music plays)

(muffled) It does. It tastes just like paper.

I'm rich!

(crowd chanting)

Hey, guys! Can anyone take over for me in the O.R.?

I'm fighting something, and it's k*lling me!

Wish I could, Owen, but my hands are tied!

(grunts)

(dramatic music plays)

(groans)

sh**t, Owen!

I can't do it, and neither can Blake, 'cause he's long gone!

Come on! Step up, people!

No one is free!

(screams)

Cat!

(grunting)

(alarm blaring)

We're all gonna die!

(heroic music playing)