02x04 - The Mom Situation

[bunniefuu]

The cruise had a spa, a nightclub, a casino, and a lot of D.I.Y. classes.

I hope you like chunky jewelry.

I see your ex-wife took all the good furniture.

Maybe it's time to buy something nice.

Yeah, well, you know, a phone call from a dock in long beach didn't really give me time to, you know, clean up.

I wanted to surprise you.

If I'd given you any more notice, you'd have made up an excuse on how to get out of town.

That is not true, necessarily.

[Chuckling] Oh, yeah.

"Necessarily."

You remember when I told you about my friend Pammy?

"She fell off her bike in the spin class" Pammy.

Do you ever listen to anything I say to you on the phone?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Pammy -- she fell off her bike and hurt herself.

"Hurt herself"? She d*ed.

Oh.

She was 5 years younger and 18 pounds thinner than me.

Well, you never know when this could happen.

That's why I got to enjoy every second.

That's why I had my boobs redone, booked that tour, and made an appointment to come see you.

W-wait. "Redone"?

You mean you had them done before?

Well, you didn't think your mother had a naturally perfect bust line, did you?

Yeah, mom, actually, I did.

Well, thank you.

Just another thing about my childhood that wasn't real.

Oh, boohoo.

Toni, Toni, Toni.

Hola. [Chuckles]

Marc said you were just on a cruise in Mexico, so I made us some refreshing watermelon agua frescas.

Ugh, don't say it like that.

Oh.

I feel like I know you already.

[Sighs]

Who is this?

Kyle.

"Sheila from Boca's grandson"

Kyle.

You're friends with his grandmother.

That's the whole reason I hired him.

Whoa, come on. [Chuckles]

Not the whole reason.

He and I just kind of clicked in the interview.

It was magic, you know?

That doesn't ring any bells.

No, Kyle --

Kyle's great, actually.

He's a -- he's a real character.

You know, he's got some great stories about stuff.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

Thank you, Marc.

I think you're pretty special, too, man.

Well, that's wonderful.

I think this drink is very special, but I got to go to the bathroom.

Oh. Okay.

Let's talk about where we want to go to dinner tonight.

Yeah.

You really like my stories?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're riveting.

You should come to dinner with us tonight.

No.

Um, you -- you guys probably have so much catching up to do.

I insist.

I really shouldn't.

Come on!

[Toilet flushes]

I have tickets to Patton Oswalt.

Patton Oswalt?

Sorry.

Marc, your hand towels are a little shabby.

Maybe we could go to Bloomingdale's tonight after dinner and make a night of it.

Well, that sounds fun.

I'll remember this... Traitor.

["The poisoned well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

[Strums guitar]

Ta-da.

Wow.

I didn't know you were getting all dressed up.

I just thought we were going down the street for paninis.

Oh, let's go into Hollywood.

I feel like being a dumb tourist.

I want to bump into Richard Gere.

Maybe the Chateau Marmont or Mr Chow's.

Come on.

You don't eat. I don't drink.

We're gonna drop 20 bucks on parking to sit at a table and have a waiter resent us?

I just want to have a little fun.

No, I get it. I get it.

You're living life to its fullest.

But, uh, I got to record a bunch of intros in the morning, and -- and quite honestly, mom, it's just not the best weekend for me.

That's why I'm staying the week.

A week? What does that mean?

No need to go out of your way.

I just want to see what your life is like now.

I want to see your hangouts.

I want to -- I want to be part of your day-to-day.

Well, my day-to-day doesn't include overcrowded Hollywood restaurants.

Fine. We'll go to one of your local spots.

Any quiet, little hole in the wall where we can sit back and catch up is fine with me.

[Inhales deeply]

Okay.

We'll go to Mr Chow.

I was exhausted before they even brought the bread out.

She had the waiter take a picture of us with George Hamilton, and I still think it was just some guy with skin cancer.

Ah, the coffee chick wants to bang me.

She dotted the "I" with a little heart.

There's no "I" in "Dave."

Who the hell is Ivan?

It's my coffee-cup alias, you know, in case we do bang, so we don't get too close.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, grown man with pinkeye.

How'd you get pinkeye?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just continue being the grown man complaining about his mommy.

All right, well, this morning, she wanted to go power walking around the neighborhood.

Power walking?

I don't even know what that is.

I don't think I can handle six days of this, man.

Dude, stop being such a baby.

You know, that's nothing.

My Dad's living with me.

What? I thought you hated your Dad.

Yeah, he just showed up at the door one day, something about selling the house because the memories of mom dying are too painful.

Look, she's my mom.

You don't see me crying.

Nice.

So, what are you gonna do with him?

I'm trying to push him to get a condo, but, you know, we're talking about a guy that could k*ll a whole weekend buying a pair of slacks.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

Together? Nothing.

When I see him in the kitchen, I don't make eye contact.

Bring him over. I'll grill some T-bones, all right?

It'd be helping me out -- give my mother someone to spin her wheels with.

I need a buffer, man. Come on.

Yeah, okay, but my Dad's not a ton of fun.

That's shocking.

Uh, do you get along with your mother?

Wow, uh --

Yeah.

[Laughs] You're just gonna dive into the emotional deep end right there.

Yeah.

Well, no, I have an agenda.

I'm trying to relate to you.

I mean, you're -- you're ex-marine.

[Chuckling] Right.

You served overseas.

My mother's in town, and that's sort of like my Afghanistan.

I m-- I know I don't want to be disrespectful.

That might be an overstatement, but I am trying to connect on some level.

Wow. A neurotic Jewish man with mother issues.

This is good. No, go, go. Go on.

I want to hear.

All right, okay, I will.

Well, I love her.

Well, I think I love her.

Is that important to the story?

H-here -- here's what I'm saying, is that she's here.

She just dropped in because she wants to knock me off her bonding bucket list, and, quite frankly, I-I've got other sh*t to do.

Of course you do. I mean, those cats aren't gonna feed themselves, right?

Okay, yeah. Yeah. [Chuckles]

That's -- that's -- all right.

So, back to the point -- your mother doesn't annoy you?

No, actually, we get along pretty well.

I mean, my mom and my sister were always my best audience.

Oh, no, man.

You're frustrating me.

You're just way too well-adjusted for a comedy guy.

I think the reason I get along with my mother is because I'm a parent now, too, you know?

So I can see the other side, you know?

Okay, sure, I understand what you're saying -- that I can't be a fulfilled or complete person unless I have a baby.

That's -- that's what I heard.

Wow.

Uh, that, or you could stop being a baby.

Good one.

I walked right into that one.

Little bit.

Yeah, that was -- that was a good play.

Yeah.

She's your mother, all right?

She -- she...Birthed you in a marathon of pain and bodily fluids.

Just cut her some slack.

This was a great idea, Marc.

Okay, steaks will be done in a few minutes.

Toni: Mmm.

No one touched the guac.

I made that fresh this morning.

I would never.

It's the worst kind of fat.

Allergy.

No guac.

Hey, that's something you guys have in common.

Yeah, that and they'll both be dead in 20 years.

[Chuckles]

That's a joke.

You'll have to excuse my son.

He mistakes being crude and moronic for comedy.

Well, now I understand why they're friends.

I've never been a big fan of Marc's humor.

Well, it's a good thing he's not here to hear that.

I always used to tell him, "who wants to pay to see someone be morbid in front of a microphone?"

Exactly.

Would it k*ll either one of you to write some jokes?

Some voices, some impressions.

Like Foster Brooks.

Hm.

You remember him?

[As Foster Brooks]

No, I don't think so.

[Both laugh]

That's just like him.

[Normal voice] Oh, I wish Dave would just get his realtor's license.

You can use the same head sh*t.

Ha.

Oh, I wish Marc had something to fall back on.

I have things to fall back on.

Uh, you know, I could --

I could teach.

Sweetheart, teach what?

How to make jokes about your cat 101?

[Chuckling]

Funny! So funny!

Yeah, you like that one?

That was okay.

You two knuckleheads should be taking notes.

[Laughing] Oh, yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

[Laughs]

Hey, you know what would be fun?

Grabbing some ice cream.

We passed a place just a couple blocks away.

I'm game.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I'm gonna go home.

I want to experience my apartment without him there.

[Sighs]

Oh.

Yeah, you two go.

I'll take him back. Have fun.

David sr.: Yeah. [Laughs]

Toni: Okay.

I think that went pretty well.

I'm not really a good judge.

My Dad experiencing joy upsets me.

Oh, you're sure you won't join us for breakfast?

Oh, no, no, no. You guys go.

The buffet at Cheddar's has the world's best frittata.

Yeah, no one gives a sh*t, Dad.

Okay.

See you soon.

Well, not too soon, mom.

You're gonna be on the westside.

You should go to the Venice boardwalk -- a lot of good people-watching down there.

That's where they filmed "Fletch."

Great.

All right.

Four days down, three to go.

Your Dad's coming in handy.

Yeah.

Maybe my Dad will relocate to Florida with your mom.

Huh? We can be like brothers.

Let's not go crazy.

The Menendez brothers.

Okay.

Hey, hold up.

You want to, uh, go in, kick it bro-style? [Sighs]

Ehh.

Yeah?

sh*t, that idiot TiVo'd over my "Lockups" with his "Fox & Friends."

What the hell is that smell?

Do you smell that?

Like a three-day-old tuna-fish sandwich?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, my Dad was annoying me, so I put one in the heater vent in his room.

I've been pretending like I can't smell it.

It's driving him nuts.

Oh.

You know, it's fun not being the most bitter guy in the room.

[Telephone ringing]

Hey, Jim Rockford, it's your landline.

Uh, yeah, that is the number that Ivan gives out to chicks at coffee shops.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Dave.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you know what?

I think you want to talk to my, uh...

Wait. What?

Say that again?

Okay.

Good to know.

What's up?

That was my Dad's doc.

He, uh, thought I was Dave Sr., and he called me to give his physical results.

Funny thing -- my Dad has chlamydia.

What?!

How the hell is that funny?

Oh, it's not.

I was just trying to soften it.

Oh, my God.

Well, that means your Dad's still getting some scratch.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that runs in the blood.

Oh, my God.

You don't think your Dad and my mom --

I mean, you don't think he gave her -- no, right?

No, right?

Uh...I mean, you been pushing her on him like a cheap holiday ham.

[Sighs]

You know what you got to do?

What?

You got to have an actual conversation with her.

Oh, sh*t.

About STDs.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

It's a sexually transmitted disease.

I know what it stands for.

It's when you kind of put the --

I know, your Dad's filthy.

And their dirty parts.

Shut up. Shut up.

So, uh...How was breakfast at the beach?

It was delicious.

At least, it smelled delicious.

So, you're getting, uh, pretty chummy with Dave's Dad, huh?

We had a nice enough time.

David wants to take me out to Mexican tonight.

Mexican?

Are you jealous?

Should I be jealous?

Of course not.

I'd much rather be spending time with you, but you're so... So -- so busy.

Mm. So, there's nothing romantic going on?

Uh, he's a republican.

He's pear-shaped.

I like a man with a lean frame.

Okay, all right, look, I don't need your whole JDate bio, all right?

I'm just --

I'm just trying to -- trying to what?

[Cellphone rings]

H-hold on.

[Cellphone beeps]

What?

Dave: We need to talk.

I'm in the middle of something, dude.

Just come out to your driveway now -- alone.

Oh, and, uh, can you bring some napkins?

What the hell, man?

Get in.

Here are your napkins.

Tell him what you told me.

It just happened that night after ice cream.

What happened?

I slept with that whore!

Whoa! Are you talking about my mother?

'Cause whore" is a little extreme.

Oh, no. Hear him out.

We did it in the car.

Oh, in this car?! God damn it!

What, are you teenagers?

Your mother gave me V.D.!

What kind of woman does that?

All right, all right, hold up, man.

Maybe you gave it to her.

I haven't been with anyone since Dave's mother d-d-d-d--

[sighs] "d*ed."

Since mom d*ed.

Wasn't that like three years ago?

Yeah, give or take.

I call bullshit.

You're gonna tell me you haven't wet your d*ck in any of your canasta partners or bingo buddies or something?

Hey, he's not George Clooney.

I mean, come on, who'd screw that?

Besides your mom.

He's hiding something.

Look, be honest with me.

No oral?

Are you on the down low?

What?

Hey! Lay off.

You know, he's a good Catholic.

Horrible father, but good Catholic.

That's a red flag if I ever heard one.

Look, the facts are plain.

My Dad is pissing lava 'cause of your mom.

Jesus Christ.

Doesn't anyone use condoms anymore?

I just really wanted to feel her!

[Groans]

Okay. All right. [Sighs]

Say hi to your mom's tainted hole.

Yeah, I get it.

I'll deal with it.

[Sobbing]

Okay. All right.

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Look, this is gonna be really awkward, but I'm just gonna come out and say it.

David Sr. has chlamydia.

Oh. I --

Look, look, look, I-I-I-I don't want to know why.

I don't want to know how.

I wish I didn't know where.

But regardless of what did or didn't happen, I-I think we should just go to the clinic and get you checked out, all right, just to make sure, you know, everything's spick-and-span.

Good?

Good.

Good. Okay, so, we're good?

[Sighs] We're good.

Great.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Marc, are you ashamed of me?

[Sighs] I don't want to get into it.

Marc? [Sighs]

You know it is possible I gave something to David.

How possible?

Well, who's to say?

There was this very nice contractor on the cruise, and we were the last two out in the limbo contest, and sparks flew.

Uh-huh.

I also had a moment when we stopped over in Cabo.

I met this man.

He said he was a mixologist.

Looked like plain-old bartending to me, but he was so cute.

Okay, okay. All right.

How many are there?

Do we need to start a spreadsheet?

Stop it.

I -- you know, if you have this thing, you're gonna have to contact these guys and give them a heads up.

It was a cruise.

I don't -- I don't think I have that kind of information.

[Sighs]

Is "Dax" a name?

Or is it short for something?

Oh, my God.

You're sleeping with bartenders named Dax in Mexico?

I think I caught something from hearing that.

Don't make it sound so sordid.

Well, how else is it supposed to sound?

You want -- you want -- you want to stock up on some, uh, condoms while you're here?

They're fruit-flavored, I think.

Toni Maron.

Oh.

Just a minute, please.

[Sighs]

You know what?

I had a real lonely year.

And what help were you?

You never called.

You never visit.

And this week, all you did was avoid me.

You're a real brat.

Oh, okay, so it's my fault you're sleeping around.

[Sighs]

You should get checked, too.

She's my mother.

You have a very disturbing relationship.

I'm not gonna argue with that.

Toni: Yes.

A Denver layover will be fine.

A Siberian layover will be fine as long as I can fly out tonight.

Same credit card.

Thanks so much.

Kyle, would you be able to take me to the airport?

I'll pay you.

All right, okay, stop being so dramatic.

I get you're on edge because you're waiting for the call from the -- from the you know what, but, uh, I'll take you to the airport.

I mean, it's not rush hour, right?

I would rather walk on my hands.

Mm.

I'm starting to sense a little tension here, guys.

You know, in my family, when we have a problem, we all get in a circle and take turns venting.

But here's the twist -- while we talk, we have to do a funny dance, you know?

Or have our mouths crammed with marshmallows as a -- as a way to lighten the mood.

Do you have any marshmallows?

Shut up, Kyle.

Shutting up.

I didn't plan for my life to end like this.

I don't want to talk about this right now.

Of course you don't.

You never do.

God forbid I should cut in on your time with your blogs...

Or whatever it is you do.

I'm researching for an interview tomorrow.

You try to make B.J. Novak interesting for an hour.

Oh, let me guess.

You're gonna ask about his childhood, his influences, then you'll feel around for a little substance-abuse issues.

Well, I think that's an oversimplification, but I-I-I get your drift, all right?

But you know what really kills me?

It's that you have these intimate conversations with total strangers in your garage, and you reveal so much to these anonymous listeners, but you won't share a little bit of your life with your own mother.

Okay, I get your point.

All right?

I-it's less risky for me to open up to people I have less history with.

I'll own that.

You know that that little visit to the clinic was the most mother-and-son time we -- we've had in 10 years?

It wasn't that bad.

I mean, you know, chlamydia's, uh, it's like the good STD.

Suddenly you're an expert?

What? I've lived.

Uh...

Gonorrhea.

Oh, I hate that name.

Who gave it to you?

Uh, you know, that Allie what's-her-name from college.

Oh, I remember.

She was, uh, about 10 pounds overweight.

Well, I mean, some people would say she looked healthy.

Apparently not that healthy.

True.

And then I got crabs from that freelance photographer.

Somewhere out in the world, there's an artsy, black-and-white photograph of me with no pubic hair.

Oh, my.

And that brings us to cold sores...

Oh!

...uh, which I regifted to my ex-wife along with half my money.

You know, I always had this -- this fantasy of running into her and her husband out in -- out in the world.

And it wouldn't bother me at all because I'd have Jen on my arm, and we'd look amazing.

And Michelle wouldn't even bother to ask me how I was doing because it would be obvious that I was doing great.

Yeah.

Guess that's not happening.

Do you still miss her?

Yeah.

I mean, you're not the only one that gets lonely.

I couldn't help overhearing you guys talking.

Do you think it's okay that we were all using the same toilet seat?

Ooh.

Yeah, you do look a little pasty.

You really do.

I think you should take photos of your genitals and post them on WebMD and let the Internet decide.

Yeah, I better.

All right, let's get out of here.

What do you want to do on your last day in L.A.?

What a day.

See? Isn't this fun?

I don't know if I'm walking or running.

It's a very awkward speed for me.

Well, you got to swing your arms more, burn calories.

Yeah.

You want my weights?

No, definitely not.

[Laughs]

I got to --

I-I got to tell you, I feel like, uh -- like a bit of a moron here.

You don't look it.

[Cellphone ringing]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hello?

Yes, this is Toni.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

What'd they say?

They said I'm positive.

[Sighs]

Or negative.

Whichever one means I don't have it.

Hey, man.

I just dropped my mom off at L.A.X.

What's up?

Dave: Not much.

Oh, by the way, I heard back from the clinic.

My mom's clean as a whistle.

Oh, yeah. I figured.

Turns out someone's got a little prost*tute problem, and he likes doing them on the pillows on my bed.

[Sobbing]

Shut up, Dad!

You gave me pinkeye!

[Sobbing] I'm sorry!

Well, say hi to your Dad's filthy d*ck for me, okay?

I'm sorry!

Shut up, da--

[chuckles]

[Cellphone beeps]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hey, mom. Uh, I know you're on your flight.

I just wanted to call to say, uh, hey.

So, um...Hey.

[Cellphone beeps]