02x09 - Yoga Teacher

[bunniefuu]

What the hell?

[Cellphone rings]

[Groans]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hello?

Hey, why is everyone on Twitter saying the new episode hasn't been posted yet?

That is odd.

Oh, really?

Is it odd or are you fired?

You didn't post the new episode!

Look, I-I swear, I was --

I was -- I was just about to do it last night when I had this huge breakthrough on my screenplay.

You don't want to hear that.

Sorry.

I'll, um -- I'll do it now and be right over.

Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

[Sighs]

Wait. Why is Rachael Harris in my backyard?

That was supposed to be at 8:00 P.M.

Can't talk now. Uh, trying to get the podcast up.

You're dead to me.

Bye-bye.

["The poisoned well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Wait.

So the guy just dumped you?

Yep. An hour before the prom.

Hmm.

Um, and then there was the guy who ruined my credit.

Uh, then after that, there was the guy that I put through realtor school...

Mm-hmm.

...Who paid me back by stealing my car.

Nice. Yeah.

Awesome.

And then there was a smattering of alcoholics...

Mm-hmm.

...The coke head, the pothead, and the sex addict.

Good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had the full spectrum of assholes.

Well, you know, oddly, I think I'm at least three of those assholes.

Yes, of course.

What -- why do you say that?

Because I can feel it.

I can just tell.

What?

How do you -- how?

Let me guess -- let me guess.

Um, you were also an assh*le of the angry variety.

Wait. How do you know?

Because some part of me wants to give up my entire sense of self to make you feel better.

Aww, that sounds like love.

Maybe we should get married.

That'll help.

Uh, nope.

I've been to that party.

Mm.

But seriously, Marc, you are too old and sober to still be an angry assh*le.

Wait, w-wait a minute.

Now, I'm not as bad as I used to be, okay?

I've been through enough relationships that I've ruined...

Mm-hmm.

...to have at least gleaned some wisdom.

Right.

Uh, the whole rage thing at 50 is unattractive because, uh, literally, in the middle of fights, I have to take a break.

That's cute. But still, that's a huge problem, Marc.

What are you doing about it?

W-w-what did you do about it?

Therapy.

Yeah, check. Doing that.

Uh, support groups.

Uh, check. Sometimes.

Medication?

No. Scared of it.

Don't want to lose my edge.

Oh, wow. You won't.

That's sad.

Um, exercise?

On hiatus.

Wow. Yoga!

Yoga kicks ass.

Do you -- have you ever done it?

Yeah, I have a yoga mat in the attic.

I've been in a class for, like, a year, and, um, the teacher, Jeremy, is great.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's sort of a shame you got your sh*t together 'cause I-I think we -- we'd be perfect for each other.

[Sighs]

I know. I know.

But in a bad way.

Oh, in a really good, hot, bad way.

Stop it.

I will not stop.

You need to stop it.

Make me.

[Camera beeps]

Okay, cool.

Hey, that was fun.

I love talking to you.

You know what? Framing could actually be a little bit better.

Why don't I take a few mulligans and just make sure we get -- it's fine, Kyle.

Are you sure?

'Cause, you know, I don't want you to see the picture later and think you look all puffy, not that you could ever look puffy.

You're, you know, young and very -- please don't yell at me.

[Sighs]

I-I'm not gonna -- not gonna yell at you.

It's...

No.

Uh...

All right, let me just walk you out to the car.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, you want to grab a bite or something sometime?

Yeah. Maybe. No.

I-I just don't think it's the best idea.

You know, considering our pasts, it could be dangerous.

I know.

How's tomorrow night?

Is that good? Would that...

[Laughs]

You know, I was serious about the yoga thing.

You want to come with me?

The teacher's amazing.

He helped me get through my divorce and a breakup with my agent.

Yoga, huh?

I don't know.

Come on, Marc, it'll be fun and -- and low-key, which is kind of the gear that I'm operating in right now.

Maybe 9:00 A.M. tomorrow morning?

I'll e-mail you the details.

All right. Sure. I'm in.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Looking forward to it.

Good. You won't regret it.

[Engine turns over]

Want me to schedule that in your calendar?

No. I want it to actually happen.

I'm so glad you're here.

It's gonna be so fun to have a yoga buddy.

Yeah, I'm not staying.

I just came to see you in spandex. I'm going now.

I'm gonna go.

Ha, no, Marc. Come on.

Come on.

Let's put our mats up front.

I want to be near the teacher.

[Sighs] Okay.

Namaste, everyone.

I am Jeremy, and you are ready to breathe.

Oh, this is not -- let's just drop those shoulders.

Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Love the ponytail.

There's my favorite yogini.

Hey. How are you?

Hey. Hi, Jeremy.

This is my friend, Marc.

Hey, my friend Marc.

How are you, brother?

Hey.

Great to see you.

Good, man.

Hey, we have a new student, everyone.

This is great.

This is great.

I'll take it easy on you.

That's okay, man.

I got this.

Well, don't got cocky.

That's how newbies pull a muscle on their first day.

Okay.

We don't want to have to carry you out of here in front of everybody.

Feet together.

Let's reach up high.

Twinkle those fingers for a playful intention, and breathing out.

Come on down. Mm.

Make it yummy, guys.

You were so raw and vulnerable today in class, like a little baby Fawn learning to walk.

Wow.

It was really attractive.

Oh, come on.

Mm-hmm.

If you thought what happened back there was attractive, you really are damaged.

[Chuckles]

No, you were just falling behind because it was your first time.

Yeah, and it was nice of the teacher to remind the class of that every 10 minutes.

That was -- that was good.

Jeremy just didn't want you to get b*rned out.

Oh, is that what it was?

Okay.

Yeah.

Let me guess -- coconut kale with a soy protein boost.

Ah, you know me so well.

Um, beets, berries, and wheatgrass.

You're amazing.

Sip swap?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Good.

Here.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

That's really yummy.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hope we didn't go too hard on you in there today.

No, no.

It was a good little workout.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool. Next time we'll work on your breathing -- you know, slow, meditative breaths instead of that [Gasping] gasping that you were doing.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good to know, man.

Yeah.

So, w-what is your background?

Background?

Yeah, I mean, I got to assume no kid thinks, like, "I'm gonna be a yoga teacher when I grow up," right?

[Chuckles]

Well, Marc, I-I do have a background in the arts, but I found that pursuit to be too much about me, me, me, you know.

Mm.

So I wanted to do something else, and that journey led me to the practice of yoga.

Wow. That's so awesome.

Hmm.

Yeah. Yoga. Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, I guess lucky for us that whole arts thing didn't pan out, huh?

Hey, Rachael, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Rachael: Okay.

You gonna make it, or you need a day to recover, or...

No, I'm looking forward to it.

Great. I'm looking forward to it, too.

Okay, Jeremy.

You guys have a great day.

Yeah, you, too.

Okay.

One last chaturanga.

Let's hold it.

Hold it, and exhale.

Come on down.

Just relax.

Let's roll over for everybody's favorite -- happy baby.

You guys did great.

On your backs.

Okay, ankles in the air.

Hands on your ankles.

Wow.

Your form is phenomenal.

You have come so far.

I am so proud of you.

Okay, Marc, you got to release your tailbone to the floor.

See if you can lengthen that spine, buddy.

I am doing it.

No, you're not.

Let me just --

I am.

Let me just adjust you and release some of that anger.

Here.

No, no.

No, you don't have to. Don't.

Shh. It's okay.

I can't. Don't.

It's okay. Let's just relax.

Shh.

Hey, come on.

My legs won't go any further back.

Yes, they will.

Oh, God.

Hold it.

[Grunts]

I c-- hold it.

Shh.

Oh, no. I can't.

Just relax. Here we go.

Let's do another one.

I'm -- I'm good.

I'm good.

[Groans, farts]

[Sighs]

Oopsie.

I really think you're making too big a deal out of this, Marc.

I take tai chi with my grandma, and that class is fart city.

Maybe no one noticed.

[Sighs] I couldn't even look Rachael in the eye after class.

That guy is such an assh*le.

Look, it could have been worse.

You could've sharted.

Wait. You didn't shart, did you?

[Cellphone buzzing]

Oh, see? It's Rachael.

She already left one message asking me to meet her in class.

sh*t. I don't want to go back to the scene of the crime.

Come on.

You like this woman, right?

Don't let one little lapse in flatulary control ruin that.

There you go.

Hey, you.

How's it going?

[Sighs]

Hey, yoga buddy.

Hi.

Hi.

You ready to get limber?

Yeah, I was born to get limber.

[Chuckles]

Good.

I'm just gonna go run and get a yoga block.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Hi, toots.

God damn it.

Marc, you okay?

No. I tweaked my back unrolling the mat.

Stupid.

I got to...Yeah, ow.

See? Yeah.

Oh.

I'll call you later.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay?

Marc.

What?

Jeremy: Hey, Rachael, you with us?

Yeah.

Okay.

Marc: God, I felt myself starting to blow, and I had to get out of there before I strangled him with his own spandex.

Getting angry is not gonna win you Rachael, Marc.

And neither is sitting here festering.

What you need to do is deep-Google him.

Yeah? What do you think you're gonna find?

Old n*zi photos on a MySpace page?

Wait for it.

And...Boom.

Did you know that Jeremy's stage name is j.T. Emmet vance?

What?

All that bullshit about yoga being his calling.

He -- he's just another out-of-work actor.

Hmm.

Initials and a middle name.

That's edgy.

Look at that.

He's workshopping his one-man show daddy issues" in noho on Tuesday night.

Terrible.

Worse than terrible.

We're going.

All right, date night.

Guys' night.

Spiders.

Hey, knock it off, you guys.

Bullies. Darkness.

Monsters...Under the bed.

All of these things scared me when I was a child.

But none scared me more than the man that I called...

Papa?

[ Baby cries]

Those little boy's sobs -- they're mine.

But let's back up.

The year was 1978, and I had a pet rabbit.

[Snickers]

I say had" because my father k*lled him.

Not really, but metaphorically.

He shamed me because he said rabbits were p*ssy pets.

It's horrific.

It's like a car crash falling onto a train wreck.

I know. It's the best seven bucks I ever spent.

Hi, sorry.

Intermission is over.

Do you want to take your seats, or do you just want to go?

What do you mean?

Probably best just to put the poor guy out of his misery, right?

No. No. No.

Please don't make me go back in there.

Yes. Yes.

It's a cautionary tale, Kyle.

This is so bad, it's great.

See you later.

Hey, hey.

You're my ride.

Sorry!

[ Bell chiming]

[Sighs]

You always wanted a girl, and I was so scared, but now I can finally tell you, Dad.

I love you.

[Chuckles]

Oopsie.

Yeah, well, I hope you had a good laugh, man.

Hope you had a really good laugh.

[Sighs]

Hey, man.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

You want to go get a drink or some coffee or something?

Um...Yeah, okay.

Want me to carry the tricycle?

Yeah, but be careful.

I have to get it back to the prop house.

[Grunts]

God, I still cannot believe what an abortion that was.

You got to, you know, give yourself a break here.

You know, theater's tough.

In college, my roommates and I put on waiting for godot" in space.

Who am I kidding? I'm just a freaking yoga teacher.

I don't have any talent.

Hey, listen to me.

I don't want to overstep.

But I do know more about you than I really wanted to, and -- and I think that's your -- that's your Dad talking.

Here, let me get -- sorry.

Sorry, sorry. Man down.

I'm sorry. Sorry, dude.

Sorry, sorry.

Hey, man, are you okay to drive?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

[Sighs]

Ugh, where did I park?

God damn it!

Is my life getting more pathetic right now?

Oh, come on, man.

You've got a classroom full of people that think you're a rock star.

I mean, honestly, I was a little intimidated that first day.

Yeah, well, sucks for you, man.

What are -- what -- what are you doing, man?

We're out in public.

Put that sh*t away.

No.

Oh, this is spectacular.

[Snorts]

You're a blow monkey, too.

The incans used to chew Coca leaves to achieve a higher plane.

Mm-hmm.

This way's quicker.

Mm-hmm.

You want?

No, dude. That sh*t's behind me.

Put it away, all right?

[Car beeps]

Ooh! There she is, the silver b*llet.

All right, well, why don't you just give me your keys?

But I-I got a --

I need them.

Let's go.

[Chuckles] Here we go.

[Chuckles]

[Snorts]

Just give me the damn keys, man.

Oh, hot sh*t. p*ssy.

God damn.

All right, this -- this is really too pathetic now.

Oh, I'm pathetic, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

My students don't think so.

[Sighs]

They think I'm a freaking God, man.

Mm-hmm.

You know I've slept with over half the class?

Uh-huh.

Including the men.

Well, that part's not hard to believe.

You know those -- those goddess poses we do?

Yeah.

Those are specifically designed to strengthen my students' vaginal and a**l muscles.

What?

It's like I'm building them up, you know?

Uh-huh.

Tailor made for my own pleasure.

Okay.

It's like I'm a carpenter for vaginas -- and butt holes sometimes.

Yeah, I-I don't think you know what you're saying right now.

I can also make myself ej*cul*te on command.

Please, please don't.

[Grunts]

Hot sh*t. p*ssy.

God damn.

[Panting]

Okay. All right.

God, would you just -- just give me the keys, please?

Wait. Y-you haven't slept with Rachael, have you?

No. No. Not yet.

She's my newest student.

I want her to get the Jeremy treatment before she gets the Jeremy treatment.

Oh.

Here. Take, uh, lankershim to the 101.

I'm off Vermont.

[Grunts]

Let's get some NPR in this bitch, huh?

Kyle: Wow.

So, he didn't touch himself at all?

That's not the point.

The point is, Rachael has no idea about any of this, and I have to tell her this guy's a delusional lunatic.

That's a lot of bad news for Rachael to swallow about her mentor.

You've got the upper hand, Marc.

Don't blow it by coming off as an angry, calculating d*ck.

Pretend you're someone else.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should get on solid ground with Rachael before I totally blow her world apart.

That means I have to go back to yoga class, which isn't great, but it -- w-what's happening now?

What are you doing?

Mm, uh, are you sure he wasn't, like, rubbing up against something or something?

I don't need to see that.

Do it -- go to the bathroom or something.

Yeah, all right.

No, on your own time.

On your own time.

Hey, are you sure your back's okay?

You ran out of here so quickly last time.

Yeah, I do. I feel a lot better.

It's a lot better.

Good.

Hey, you think after class, maybe we could hang out and have some dinner that we don't have to suck through a straw?

Are you asking me to move into the post-smoothie phase of the relationship?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

I think I am, Rachael.

I think that's what's happening here.

Oh. Yeah.

I think I would like that.

[ Soft music plays]

Jeremy: Namaste, class.

I am Jeremy, and you are ready to breathe.

Let's start in tadasana Mountain pose.

Oh, and welcome back, Marc.

Did you have a good weekend?

I did, j.T.

Did you?

Oh, I had a really good weekend.

Yeah, I do community outreach class in watts.

I tell you, I think I learn more than those kids do.

Breathing out.

So cool.

And let's go down into our first goddess pose.

Great, yeah.

Legs wide, Rachael.

Real nice. Mm-hmm.

Here.

Feel that burn?

Oh, uh, yeah. It burns.

Jesus Christ, man.

Hey, I'm just adjusting her lower chakras.

That's great. Real good.

Okay, everyone.

And come on up.

And then let's get on our backs and come into happy baby pose.

Yeah. Right.

And don't worry, Marc.

Rachael's not the only one getting special attention today.

I don't need any, man.

Well, I just want to help readjust and get in here, since you're -- no, dude! I said no!

Whoa.

Marc, what is your problem?

He's afraid he's gonna toot.

No, that's not the problem, man.

The problem is your yoga instructor's a delusional sociopath.

Tell them about last night.

Jeremy: Look, I don't know what this is about, but can we please powwow about it after class?

I tracked him down to his one-man show.

He's an actor.

Do you know he's an actor?

So what? And, Marc, why were you there?

That's not the point.

The point is your guru was doing blow off a key, all right?

And he said that half of these positions -- more than half of them -- are to tighten your vaginas for his use.

Do you understand?

Tighten your vaginas.

And your assholes, fellas.

That's what he said.

He said that.

Think about it.

That's that guy.

Jeremy: Class, it's okay.

Sometimes these poses stir up a lot of emotions in older people.

No. No, that's not it.

Rachael, he said you're next.

How's that grab you? Huh?

Okay, Marc, I don't know what all this is about, but you're scaring me.

Oh, come on, Rachael!

You're scaring all of us, Marc.

Please roll up your mat and go.

Would you -- would you just come outside with me and -- and let me explain what's going on?

Oh, I'm the crazy one?

I'm the crazy one?

All right, well, fine, you're all -- you're all the ones with tight vaginas.

That didn't come out right.

Oh, see this guy?

Ah, you've already -- yeah.

It already happened, huh?

I'm sorry, fella.

You'll be all right.

So, I'm five minutes into the movie when it becomes clear that it is the exact same idea as one of my screenplays.

Oh, okay, so you're saying Paul Thomas Anderson stole your idea.

Exactly.

Uh-huh.

The question is how.

Right, okay.

Believe me, if I find out, there will be blood.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Marc: Seriously?

[Sighs] Hey, Marc.

Marc's friend.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you two.

Hey, Marc. Let's not make this awkward, okay?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, more awkward.

You know, actually, I'm glad that -- that, uh, we bumped into you.

Can we have a second?

Uh, sure. Sure.

I have stuff to do.

How's it going, man?

Yeah?

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

I wanted to apologize to you.

What? For -- for what?

Having really terrible taste in men?

[Chuckles]

No. No.

For misleading you during our flirty stage, and...For misleading myself, quite frankly.

Jeremy came clean, and you were right about everything, obviously.

Really?

Well, thank God.

Why are you still with him?

Because he's -- you know, he's -- he's getting help and working on himself.

He's really trying to change.

All right, look, you know that he was in my car, coked up, talking about making you all into a harem of tight pussies.

Mine's pretty tight already.

[Sighs]

No, honestly, honestly, God, I thought I'd changed, but I'm still attracted to really screwed-up guys.

Take it as a compliment?

All right, okay.

Okay.

Let's go, ray-ray.

Excuse me.

Okay.

[Sighs]

You want to go to oinkster's and split a sandwich?

What are you doing?

Damn it!

I was so close.

Oh, man. Come on.

[Sighs]