02x02 - Kindness

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Mm.

Mm.

Oh.

I know this is a dream, you know.

No, it isn't, silly.

I'm here.

I've moved in, because we're in love.

No.

No, my brain won't even allow me to enjoy dreams these days.

That's how much it hates me.

No, it's no good. I may as well wake up.

And what makes you think it's a dream?

Well... you know.

There's this.

Plus there are other clues. I mean, the Proclaimers are in my room.

We're making a pot!

Oh, Piss!

It's overcrowded enough in here as it is.

I heard that.

Yes, and I heard you last night snoring.

It's like sharing a room with a dot matrix printer.

You've got a nerve, talking about my night-time shortcomings.

Who eats lamb chops at two o'clock in the morning in bed?

No-one's making you stay, Brian.

Is it any wonder the dog follows you around? You constantly smell of meat.

Brian, breakfast is ready!

Oh... Coming, Mrs D!

Piss! Get out!

And so, if I hadn't have explored my community, I'd never have met Gerry here.

And you see, that's what Community Week is all about.

It's about reaping the rewards for looking around you and getting involved.

And we're very lucky that Gerry has agreed to leave Bella here with us for the week.

So, feel free to pop by and say hi.

Ah...!

Hm.

I'd like to finish with a poem. Don't groan. Not all poems are boring.

Me.

We.

Now, this poem was made up on the spot by a very great person.

Do you know who?

This man.

Boys and girls, we are stronger together. Enjoy Community Week.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

God! Alistair's good, isn't he?

Oh, he is.

I also sort of want him dead.

Oh, even you can't be cynical about Community Week, surely? Oh, no.

Ah! Adorable!

Who's this?

Its name is Piss.

Stop following me around, you hairy little sh*t! Oh, he's so cute.

Whose is he?

He, um...

He belongs to this old guy I visit.

You visit?

Yeah, he's a w*r veteran.

He hasn't got anyone any more, so I just pop round sometimes, do a bit of ironing for him and he tells me what it was like having no bananas and, you know, all that.

Dan, you do not visit an old w*r veteran.

What, because I don't crow about it and bring him in for an assembly, like that click?

Well, you should. Most people, the Head included, think that you're a...

Well... a lazy tosser.

Lazy? Lazy?

Is this lazy?

Uh...!

This?

No? Well...

Oh!

Lazy?

Were any of those lazy?

Honestly, sometimes I think she's not the girl for me. There's no trust.

You don't visit an old man.

What's that got to do with it?

Where's the trust?

Well, either way, I'm going to have to find one ASAP.

Use Big Dave Bowers.

What? He's only about 50.

I'm 32!

f*cking hell, Dave. Eat some veg, mate.

Ta-da! What do you think?

It sort of looks a bit like Miley Cyrus.

It's f*cking sh*t.

I've done Shakira now, Brian.

Look. Yes.

Do you think it's time for another visit to the Jobcentre?

No, Jackie says I'm a free spirit and I should concentrate on my art.

Right, I need to get hold of a World w*r ll vet.

Oh, God. I forgot this place was like a swap shop for the mentally ill.

Listen, I'm not staying. I just popped in to say I'm cooking tonight.

6.30 sharp, OK?

Yes.

He's got to go. He's been a nightmare since Julia kicked him out.

And he's weird. Who takes a stopwatch into the toilet?

Where the hell am I going to find a pensioner?

I'd love to help, but I'm doing portraits at Autumn Leaves this weekend.

Autumn Leaves, the retirement home?

Yeah. Perfect models. Can't move.

The old people at the retirement home?

Yeah. Some of them are so old...

You can't help me, no?

Are you deaf? I'm working. You're like the old people at the retirement home.

But you don't know any old people?

Dan, I think you need a holiday, mate.

Rig ht... concentrate.

Go.

Hello there.

Hello.

Robin!

He always shits himself in school plays.

Only if I have lines. I never shat myself when I was the donkey in 'tivity.

Just go to the toilet. Right.

My community is full of surprises.

Good morning, Mr Davies, out for a walk?

Yes, young Ralph. See you in school This is sh*t, sir!

Silence!

Oh, look. It's old Mrs Campbell, the mean-spirited old lady.

I'm horrible to everyone. I wish people would give me a chance, though.

I'm only like this because I have no friends... seriously, not one.

I'm not doing this.

None of us want to do it.

Shut up! It's inspiring.

Guys, I'm inspiring you.

Oh!

Go on. We'll finish it tomorrow.

Are you seriously doing an assembly?

Yes.

With a w*r veteran?

Very much the centre of the piece.

You are full of surprises, Dan Davies.

Thank you.

Ssh!

I don't do this for thanks.

Have you been eating meat?

Mm! What is it you say it is?

Truffle oil?

Yes, a little. Brings out the flavour of the aubergine, doesn't it?

It's exquisite, dear.

Mm!

Daniel.

You're late.

Yes.

Well, unlike you, Zelda from Terrahawks, I have a job.

I did give you plenty of notice, Dan.

Brian has taken the trouble to make us this wonderful meal, and you can't even be bothered to turn up. If I were any less relaxed, I'd take a length of rubber hosing to you.

You are all aware that Marital Crisis Boy here is sharing my bedroom?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I... I think Morse is on.

You monstrous sh*t!

You never think about the people around you, do you?

I've really noticed it since Brian moved in.

Keys.

What? We've had a chat, and we've decided Brian needs house keys more than you do.

You're not serious?

Deadly.

And we have also bagged up all your old clothes from your wardrobe, and we're burning them.

Poor Brian needs storage space.

Give me those!

Keys.

Everybody getting married!

Tony getting married.

Belinda getting married.

Sophie not getting married.

She's a holiday rep.

Gregory going to Vegas, getting married by an Elvis.

Ah... what?

Just brought you some clothes.

I got eyes.

Right. There's some really nice stuff there.

Would you like to go through them?

No.

Maybe a thank you?

You want the clothes back?

No, but...

You don't need the clothes?

No.

But I think a little thank you wouldn't go amiss.

You want me to hang up?

No.

If you want me to hang up, you'd better tell me to hang up!

Tch!

Jennifer gone to Gretna Green.

What? Walter is perfect for your assembly. He's well nice.

Yes, also lacking that most vital of presentation skills, the gift of speech.

Well, I introduced you to Roger and he was in the w*r.

He was also not in trousers and pants. Come on, Jo.

Ah, the w*r. Ah, there... there was a time when we all pulled together.

Hi, Tim. Did you like the painting I did of you?

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, dear. Very, very good. Yes.

You haven't introduced me to Tim, Jo.

No, I didn't think he was quite right. He doesn't wear a hat.

Why would I need him to wear a hat?

Well, I don't really need to wear a hat, because I don't get to go out very often.

Ah, well, maybe I could take you out for a lovely cup of tea some time, Tim.

Oh, well, yes, that would be lovely. The town hall's having a craft fair for Community Week.

You should come down.

I'm doing some portraits.

Craft fair? How lovely!

Reminds me of the w*r. Yes.

Simple times.

Shall we, Tim?

Oh.

Right.

Right!

This is it.

Yeah, go on, you go in. I'll... I'll catch you up. There's just, er... there's just something I've got to do.

I'll... I'll come with you, shall I?

Sure.

Oh. I feel a little nervous, crossing roads.

OK.

Now, now, ladies. It was Dan's idea to let me stay. He's not all bad.

Well, I, for one, prefer you, Brian.

Nesta!

Come on, Polly. What does Daniel bring to the party that Brian doesn't?

Oh, look! You can get your name on a piece of rice.

Brian, would you like your name on a piece of rice?

My treat.

I couldn't, Auntie.

I can... call you Auntie?

You can call me anything you want, dear boy.

If you were thirsty, I would happily wet-nurse you... if these wells weren't so very dry.

Everybody on 3G.

Marlene on 3G.

Patrick on 3G.

Paula not on 3G.

She don't trust smartphone.

Yes?

Just popped in to see how my clothes are selling.

Why?

Well... I suppose I brought you some nice things and I just wondered if it had raised any money for your charity.

Why you want praise for giving away rubbish?

It's not rubbish. I think that's my point.

I like this jug.

OK.

Sorry? You don't want me to buy it for you?

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

Reminds me of one I had in the w*r.

Right. How much is this jug, please?

£100.

What? Don't be ridiculous.

I wouldn't sh*t in it.

Oh. I really like it.

Oh, I'm not... l-l don't really like... I don't like crowds.

Don't worry, Tim. We're just going to pop in and have a nice cup of tea.

Well... could we hold hands?

What?

Only I-I'd feel better if we... if we could hold hands.

Do you know, I'd rather not.

Oh.

Oh, I'd better go back to the home, then.

She says I'm not spontaneous enough, and, well... I suppose she has a point.

Rubbish!

You were going to pay for your crumpet and you changed it.

To a toasted teacake.

The woman had even started to warm it.

Yes, it was a little maverick.

Oh.

All right, I think we can stop holding hands now, Tim.

Oh, I'd rather not. Ooh, cake!

Having a nice time?

Perfectly lovely, thank you. Brian has treated us to a cream tea.

I'll bet he has.

It was the least I could do. You have put a roof over my head.

Which was my idea. When will I be receiving my cream tea?

Daniel, you shouldn't do things for people just to get thanked.

Typical. Wipes his own bottom and wants a badge.

Daniel, this woman wants some money.

Oh...!

I like scones.

All right now, Tim?

Well, not really, no.

I... You know, I'm not feeling very confident.

I... You know, I think I'd rather go back to the home.

Er... unless, um...

Oh. Oh, I want my name in wire.

Christ. How much is it?

£3 a letter.

All right, then, Tim.

This bloke's a f*cking nightmare.

He's costing me a fortune.

He's just lonely.

You're spreading a bit of joy.

Just like I am with my paintings.

It's not about the money.

I'm not paying for that.

It looks like Miley Cyrus.

OK, you don't have to pay for it!

Tim's going to be brilliant in your assembly.

I'll come along, help with the kids. For free!

Thanks, mate.

This man wants paying.

f*ck's sake!

New personal best?

Why are you dressed like that?

It's Sunday morning.

Just taking the ladies to church as a thank you.

You're staying in my bedroom.

In your mum's house. It's me who has to put up with you.

Do you think I want to be here?

It might surprise you to learn that my wife not speaking to me is... pretty ruddy painful, actually!

Just... look further than the end of your own nose for once.

Oh, hello.

One of the nurses brought me.

Ha!

I fancied a trip to the... to the seaside. Reminds me of the w*r.

Sir, Piss keeps running off!

Well, put him on a lead!

He's the big "ah" factor at the end.

Dan, when do you want Maddie to bring this on?

I've told you. Just after the emotional summing up, after the w*r veteran's been on.

You - you don't miss your cue.

Chill out, Dan, this is going to be wicked.

I might just get away with it if that weirdo Tim delivers.

Oh, he's not coming. What?

Says he doesn't feel confident.

I saw him last night.

Bastard!

He was confident enough to have four rides on a donkey at the seaside yesterday - and as many ice creams.

Right. You watch this lot, I'll go and get him... Bastard!

No good. Stop.

Please, Tim.

I can't do it. I feel too nervous.

Look, it's not going to take long.

So please.

I've never really had very much confidence.

I'd feel better if I could wear your shirt.

What?

Well... it's such a nice shirt.

I think it would give me confidence.

Well, you're not having my f*cking shirt, so...

Oh, well, you'd better take me back to the home, then.

All right. We'll have to go back to my house to get another shirt.

I haven't got any keys!

Tara, Jeremy... Clio, Sean, Steven and Felicity.

All of them got damp-proofing.

Come back for more praise?

Well, it would be nice. And I'd like one of my shirts back, please.

Certainly. £200.

I gave them to you.

They're top quality.

You said so yourself.

£200!

If you do not give me one of those shirts back, I swear I will never give to charity again!

You think it matters what you bring in?

See this?

There'll be five pottery owls in tomorrow to replace it. You don't get thanked.

This...?

Who you think gonna buy a Johnny Mathis?

They didn't get thanked.

And who you think gonna buy clothes to fit a lanky fat-chops like you?

No-one!

Fine.

I'll take one. Could I have a bag, please?

I got one in the back.

That'll be a pound.

Now, volunteered assemblies are very dear to me.

And I'm sure you'll all agree that last week's assembly by Mr Thomas was a tour de force.

Me. We.

Well done.

Happy?!

Well, I... I still feel a bit nervous.

Right. Well, we're on in a few moments. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Sir, my stomach feels gurgly.

Yes, well, all you're doing is waving now, isn't it, Robin? So, relax.

Everything all right on stage?

Music sorted? Yep.

It's going to be so good.

You'll hardly notice Piss is missing at all. What? I need him.

That prick Alistair had a cute animal. Find him.

Am I going to have to go on without the dog?

Oh, no, no. No, that... that's really dented my confidence.

No, I... I don't think I can go on.

Tim, please!

...thank him for stepping up.

So, without any further ado, er... I call upon Mr Davies and the pupils of 9G.

My community is very important to me.

Hello...

Now, then. How many of you know who said these inspirational words?

No?

It was this man.

Miley Cyrus.

Oh, for...

It's Winston Churchill!

When I say the word "pensioner", what is it that you think of?

Piss! Piss!

You don't perhaps think "hero"?

But after today, you might!

Who has a question for Tim about the w*r?

Piss!

Piss! Piss!

I'm going to have to go backstage and sort this out.

Let go of my hand.

You. Ask Tim a question about the w*r.

Piss...! Ssh!

Did you find him? No. Not yet.

Well, keep looking. Just shove him on at the end when the music starts playing.

Everybody stealing from charity!

Mmm...

No! No...

Take off this shirt!

It's my shirt! You're a thief!

Yeah.

So...

Tim... where DID you serve in the w*r?

Er... behind a counter.

Yes, I... I was always rather worried that there weren't going to be enough chairs and... and, you know, people would get cross.

What?

Not that many people bought shoes in those clays, but, er... we were always quite busy on Saturdays.

You worked in a shoe shop?

Yes, yes. Mm.

But you also served in the army.

Oh, no, I wasn't allowed in the army.

No, they said I was far too nervous for all the g*ns.

Hm.

I've spent about £400 on you!

Um...

Good morning, Mr Davies!

Out for a walk?

Sit down, please.

It's all under control.

Sit down.

Sounds awful.

Yep.

What are we doing here?

I made a real mess of today, mate.

I suppose I just wanted to do one thing right, so...

I bumped into your wife and she agreed to meet.

Look - I know you probably think it's cos I want you out of the house but it isn't that.

I... I can just see you hurting, so...

Thank you, Dan.

Well done.

Brian...? That's not my wife.

What? Who is it, then?

No idea. But it's not my wife.

Shall we go home?