01x07 - Christmas Special

[bunniefuu]

What do you think?

Well, go on, say it, "I'm glad you've got time on your hands to waste, you silly old lady."

It looks great, Mum.

Well, I think a real tree makes Christmas.

Yeah.

It's really nice.

Aww.

Aah!

Daniel!

Daniel! What have you done?!

Oh, Santa's been early.

Are you joking? They've been bringing this sh*t in since October.

It's sweet they buy you presents, Dan.

Oh, really? Look at this, from Dennis!

I've told the little f*ckers, club together, buy me some booze.

Ooh, look though - you can relax later with some Lovely Mountain Bubble Bath.

Yes, thank you. I've got four bottles of this Pound Shop sh*t at home, it burns your flesh, Emma, it burns.

You could do with a wash, you appear to be covered in pine needles.

What? Oh, f...

It's the "twelve scares of Christmas".

The twelve... My dad's tedious tradition. just leave it.

Here you go.

One day you'll realise just how lucky you are. Scrooge.

Have you tried the Toy Depot, Brian?

I've tried every bloody shop in a 20-mile radius.

Julia's not going to forgive me if I can't find these things.

The girls are obsessed.

Who are The Freaky Farm Folk anyway?

A collection of toy animals with glow-in-the-dark hooves that can communicate telepathically.

Bizarre idea! Probably dreamt up in some non-member state.

All the convenience of Europe, none of the restrictions.

You've forgotten what it's like to be a kid.

What was your best ever present?

There was one year when the girls had mumps.

I was allowed to watch the Queen's Speech.

Tell me what you make of that.

Aah, Shakira.

I shall have a chocolate milkshake and The Eggsmass Special.

Very funny by the way.

Get f*cked.

She totally... likes you. Right.

Oh, hold your horses.

"To my favourite troublesome teacher." Super flirty.

Or damning with the faintest of praise, depending on which way you look at it.

"All my love". "ALL my love".

Exactly. It's a figure of speech!

You should ask her out.

Shall I bring her down here?

Tomorrow lunchtime.

No, no, go posh. Go Nando's.

I f*cking love chicken.

Mm, nice chicken dinner!

Or, over a period of years you could convince her that you care about your job.

You're motivated, thoughtful.

The last time I saw you speaking to her, you asked her to go into a boiler room to go halves on a bastard!

Yeah, I was flirting.

There's no quick fix, Dan.

Yes, there is.

I know what I'm gonna do.

What?

The thing that I have successfully avoided for my whole career.

But I'll do one and she will be enchanted and she shall be mine!

I'm gonna do a school play.

Yay!

I'll get my eggs to celebrate my genius.

I'm gonna be in Dan's school play.

You should do all the nerdy tech stuff.

I'm not getting involved.

Are those er, my eggs, Shakira?

Aargh!

Argh! No!

I love the twelve scares of Christmas.

Can't we just do a space mission, sir?

Yeah!

Dennis, being in a school production will be very good for your character.

You're just trying to impress Miss Lipsey. Shut it!

Everyone's guessed.

Do people get k*lled in it, sir?

No! There's no k*lling.

It sounds rubbish!

It's not rubbish, you'll like it because, ooh, it's set in space!

Scrooge In Space? Bit random, sir.

Can't we do Bugsy Malone?

Cos that's not random, is it?

Loads of kids getting k*lled by custard. Wake up!

This Scrooge bloke sounds like a paedo.

He's not! Right, so, parts.

Sir. Huh, Maurice?

I had a go on a paedo once.

What?!

When we went to Bournemouth. Maurice!

We had to give the man an extra £5 cos we were late coming back in, the tide had gone out.

OK, that would have been a pedalo, Maurice. Right, parts.

Dennis? Emperor Scrooge.

Maurice, you can be Xob Scratchett.

Obviously, Maureen, you'll be the Narrator.

What's a paedo then?

It doesn't matter what a paedo is!

It definitely matters. I'm trying to cr*ck on with play here.

But sir, if I might be so bold, who will arrange the music?

What music?

Surely you've ascertained by now, Scrooge 3000 is a musical.

Oh, sh*t!

Mr Field-Williams.

A moment, please.

Lovely, my dear, just lovely.

And such a lightness of touch, don't you think, Mr Davies?

Oh yes! It's like Wagner was reborn as a child.

Praise indeed.

Now, how can I help you?

I'm doing a school production.

I was hoping you'd take care of the music for me.

Oh, dear.

That sounds a little bit too hectic for me these days, I fear.

I see, let me re-phrase it.

Please help me, my life is dreadful, I beg you.

Goodness me!

Well, in that case, I'll just pop in to the office and er, look at my diary.

What are you doing here, Bride of Chucky?

You're supposed to be in my lesson.

Not anymore, you loser. I'm getting real lessons from an actual teacher.

Good. You'll miss out on being in the school play.

Scrooge 3000?

It's going to be awful.

Yeah, awful like your life.

You're a cat lady waiting to happen.

"Hello, I'm Mr Davies, I live with my mum and my dad

"and I'm about 50."

You little rat.

Frank?

Oh, hello, hello, er, sorry, dear boy, I, huh...

I nodded off.

Is that you, Frank?

Uh, ah... yes. Berlin, 1956.

Heady days with the Philharmonic.

If I remember, that night ended with me dancing naked in the fountain.

Oh, my God! Oliver Reed!

Yes. Oh, that was a session.

I managed to kick the booze before darling Ollie.

There but for the grace of God. Hm.

Yeah. So, what do you say, Frank?

Fancy reliving the glory days with a bit of Scrooge 3000?

Ah, now I've er, checked the diary...

And you're in luck.

I've nothing on for one year.

Aah, wonderful!

Oh, no.

Who's Emma? Just a friend.

I'm just doing my Christmas cards.

On the computer?

Yes! No post office, no stamps!

Pow! That's blown her little old lady mind, hasn't it?

A lady friend! Oh, I am pleased.

Your dad and I were worried, you know, the first Christmas without Naomi and..

God, I'd forgotten about him. Where is he?

Oh, he's putting a box of mince pies in the car, for you to take in for the staff.

Bastard! What have you done to my car, you monster?

Nothing, Daniel!

I thought it needed a bit of a clean.

It was covered with pine needles.

What is it?

Mousetrap on the clutch, is it?

Very clever, old man.

I wonder if he should be doing this school play.

It's making him very paranoid.

Yes, yes. Silly lad.

Darling... who's Emma?

Aargh!

Aargh...

Aargh!

Aagh!

Sir, is this the entire production team?

I'm a little concerned about Mr Field-Williams.

He smells like my hamster's cage.

Recognise... Oh, God.

You all right? What's that?

It's a seagull bite.

What are you wearing?

I got them all. The deer, the mole and the owl.

Now, where's my tech crew?

Alan.

Are you a... pedalo?

♪ He's a futuristic miser and his heart is black as coal ♪
♪ Commiseration fossil fuel used many years ago ♪
♪ He says he'll dock my plasma pay ♪
♪ If I don't work on Christmas Day ♪
♪ O-oh Scrooge is the meanest of them all, of them all ♪
♪ Emperor Scrooge is the meanest of them all Fire lasers! ♪

Oh... Not bad!

Not bad. I mean - needs some work, but we've got two weeks.

How hard can this be?

A-ha, Xob Scratchett! I won't buy you and your family a futuristic goose.

Sir, he's smiling again and he keeps mouthing my lines!

Sir, I wasn't. Just carry on.

Goose song. Goose song!

♪ Look at the tasty futuristic geese ♪
♪ You can't afford a goose to eat... ♪

Shake those arses, girls!

Really grind it.

♪ ..You can't afford a goose... ♪

It's no use, Dan.

I'm going to have to lead them.

♪ ..You can't afford a goose to eat... ♪

Oh...

♪ Look at the tasty futuristic geese ♪
♪ You can't afford a goose to eat... ♪

Right - stop, stop!

Stop, get the geese off.

No, Alan, not now.

I'm well sad we're so poor.

Maurice! You're still smiling.

No, Alan - not now!

Oi! Stop! What's that?

He's got bionic legs.

Yeah. He's not a f*cking n*zi though, is he?

Maurice! You're still smiling!

Oof! Not smiling now, is he, sir?

Oh...

Alan! No!

Dan - these girls really need me to lead them. They're just not qualified.

Oh, Christ!

What is wrong with you all?

It's a bloody shambles!

We are performing this tonight.

Do you understand? Tonight!

Look at my nose!

Look at my f*cking nose!

Pick that goose up.

Hey, Frank.

Gifts?

The kids got me loads of stuff.

Lovely Mountain bath foam, toffee whisky, loads of chocolates.

Do you want one? Why not?

That's weird. I didn't know Taboo DID liqueurs.

Jo, come here!

Your nose looks sore.

I think it's infected.

I'm not sleeping, my... my immunity's right down.

And then I'm coming in to this... piss parade.

It's coming together. It's f*cked!

If Emma sees this, that'll be the end of it.

We got the snow machine, sir!

Oh, my God...

Seems like Nobby came up with the goods.

Jesus Christ, where did he get it? Stalingrad?

Something tells me we should not use this.

I think this'll make things worse.

What? Shut up, Dan!

It's a Christmas play, you got to have a snow machine.

Fire it up, Dennis!

Well... It would appear my instincts were correct.

Aaaagh...

Frank? Who wrote this sh*t?!

Scrooge In Space Are you all right, Frank?

I played in the f*cking Berlin Philharmonic, you pricks!

Mr Field-Williams, could I ask you to wait outside, please?

Shut it! Rrrrrr-Rudolph.

It's a seagull bite!

W-What sort of q*eer gets bitten by a seagull?!

Guys... I think Frank might be allergic to chocolate.

Be quiet! Right, think, think, think.

Brian - please go and get him some coffee, sober him up.

I think we'll be OK.

As long as Emma doesn't see any of this I think we'll be all right.

If we can just bring him round... this is saveable, right? Yeah.

Dan! He's hot-wired the Scenic.

What?

The Freaky Farm Folk are in the boot! If we hurry we might catch him.

See? You ridiculed me for having a tracker fitted to the Scenic - not so silly now, is it?

Now is not the time for your smuggery. Where is he?

According to the GPS, he's at The Rose and Crown on Wimpole.

Worst case scenario -

I'll dance a cappella.

My moves don't need tunes.

Shut up, Jo!

Did you do that side of the bar?

It's not my job, I'm not doing it...

If you want a drink, you'll have to go somewhere else.

We've closed early.

We're looking for an old man, smells like a hamster cage.

He just left, the disgusting old bastard!

I'll thank you to calm down.

Did he mention toys - or a nicely maintained Scenic?

He had a weird bag of animals, he kept trying to swap them for drink.

He's found them!

Never mind that. Did he look like he was up to playing the piano?

He didn't look up to anything. He lost it when I caught him trying to drink beer straight fromthe taps...

Paul, I'm telling you, I'm not cleaning that up.

Ohh... Oh, God.

Yeah, that's human.

He must be more allergic than we thought.

I'm sorry about that. Do you know where he may have gone?

For food, I would have thought.

Yeah, he's going to be peckish.

Right. So where does a man with no money go for food?

Yes. He has been here.

He drunk far more than his fair share of soup, then attempted to sell me a toy deer.

Bastard! Sorry, vicar.

He's out of control!

That's not the worst of it, I'm afraid.

When I declined, he took out his frustrations on one of our pastoral paintings.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - it's all about you, isn't it? Where is he?

He said he was going to have it with a hooker three times wrong.

Stanley, please!

Sorry, vicar.

He said he was going to have it with a hooker three times wrong.

Right, there's only one place in town he can get that. Sapphire's Sauna.

Guys? This cow's got a big old d*ck.

Thanks for your help, Reverend.

I'm sorry. I cannot permit you to leave until this painting has been cleaned.

With respect - we're in a rush.

I haven't got time to wash a cock and balls off a cow.

I'm afraid I cannot permit you to leave until this is settled.

Oh, God... Stand aside, vicar.

I shall not.

Brian...?

Reverend... we have a play to put on, and that man has stolen my Renault Scenic and this year's must-have toys. Move!

No!

Brian?

Right...!

Brian, what are you doing?

She's winning!

Smack her in the windpipe, Brian.

Oh, my God, she's...

She's going for a Tyson!

Go!

I'm sorry, vicar. You backed us into a corner, like rats.

He had no choice but to take you out.

Come on, Dan!

In case you're wondering, this is a seagull bite. Dan!

Why would a drunk man want a massage?

That is a weird place.

There's no actual sauna, and the woman offered me a job.

Massage is one of the few things I'm not actually qualified for...

Jo! Has he been there?

Yeah, sounds like he had a great time. Your car's fine, Brian, it's round the corner.

Good old Frank!

Yeah, woman said he had a lovely massage.

How did he pay for a massage?

He swapped a massage... for an owl.

m*therf*cker!

Where is he now?

Hospital, he got overexcited.

Hospital...? sh*t!

I'm sorry, my dears.

I've been such a nuisance.

Please excuse me.

Never mind, Frank.

20 years I've been off the booze - and I got a bit carried away.

I think this is yours.

You keep it, Frank.

Ha.

Today... was the most defouled, debauched and hedonistic day I've had in years.

It was marvellous!

There is just one thing I can't believe.

I can't believe I...

I can't believe I... Frank - what is it, what are you trying to say?

I can't believe I...

I did a sh*t behind the bar.

Oh, great.

Happy f*cking Christmas!

Are you sure we can't do it?

It's a musical Jo. Our piano player is dead. So, no.

Well, I'll go and tell the robot Christmas geese then.

Never mind, Dan. You tried.

I'll go and speak to Alan. Yeah.

What's this I hear, you're giving up? Your mother and I were looking forward to the play.

What the hell can I do?

Daniel, life isn't easy.

Give me the musical score. What?!

Give me the music.

Easy. Let's go.

But... Don't question it.

I'm doing it for Mr Field-Williams.

You can be my page turner.

Get all your foil back on.

It's happening!

Yeah!

♪ Ding dong! merrily on high ♪
♪ In heav'n the bells are ringing ♪
♪ Ding dong! verily the sky ♪
♪ Is riv'n with angel singing ♪
♪ Gloria ♪
♪ Hosanna in excelsis! ♪
♪ Gloria ♪
♪ Hosanna in excelsis! ♪

And go Maureen.

Happy futuristic Christmas, everyone.

That way. That way.

That... was... really good.

It was messy, but it was all right.

I think Frank would have liked it.

Yeah. He would.

Thanks for my Moonpig card, by the way. What?

Fucker!

After everything I've...

Don't worry, I guessed it was one of your dad's scares. Aah.

You do like the kids, don't you?

Admit it!

You are a strangely likeable idiot, Dan Davies.

Am I?

Let's go for a drink, then.

I know a pub that's...

Yep, I can pretty much guarantee it's empty.

Maybe another time.

But Happy Christmas, eh?

Happy Christmas.

Alan, for f*ck's sake!