03x07 - Marc's Niece

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, sunshine.

Sleep okay?

Yeah, is there coffee?

Have you heard my podcast?

No.

Oh.

Did you have fun last night?

Eh.

[cellphone vibrating]

It's my dad.

Oh.

Give me the phone.

You want to talk to him?

Yeah. Give me the phone.

Hey, brother.

How's Sydney?

You guys getting along?

Is she talking?

Yeah, she is talking.

She's talking a lot about what a d*ck her dad is.

Really? Like what?

I'm just kidding, man. Everything's good.

We're gonna have a great time.

I'm just happy she's out of Arizona for the first time in her life.

Look, she's a great girl.

I just can't get her interested in anything.

Maybe you can show her your life, and something will excite her.

Oh, and also, don't trust her... at all.

I think you're being a little paranoid.

She's just a teenager.

You're not a parent. You have no idea what it's like.

Yeah, but, look, I get teenagers.

I've dated a few 24-year-olds, all right?

I-I know I'm not her father, but I'm her cool uncle, and we're gonna have a great time.

Remember, no booze, no boys, and don't let her leave the house dressed like a whore.

Wow, bro. A whore?

Don't worry, I got a handle on everything, okay?

All right.

Uh, I-I-I'll call if she ends up in jail.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

So, what are we doing now?

Wow.

Are you sure you want to wear that?

Yeah.

In public?

This is what everyone wears.

You're just acting just like my dad.

I thought you were cool.

I am cool.

Uh, it's just gonna be cold outside, so maybe you could, uh, wear a sweatshirt.

Why don't you take this? You can have it.

You should wear it.

Classic.

What does that even mean?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do this afternoon.

We're gonna go to a taping of "The Conan O'Brien Show."

You ever watch Conan O'Brien?

Sydney: No.

All right.

Oh, all right.

Well, that's a good adjustment.

So, uh... So, how's school?

I don't like school.

All my friends go to a different school.

All right, so... So, what do you like?

Do you like art? Do you like music?

Do you like sports?

Do you like, uh, movies?

Do you like... m*rder?

Do you like murdering?

[sighs]

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, well, that's... There you go.

Uh, do... [stammers] Well, tell me about him.

What's he like?

My dad doesn't like him.

Well, that... that's all you need, then, right?

[knock on door]

Ooh.

Whitney!

Hey!

What a surprise!

How's it going with her?

Eh...

Not really going.

Not great.

No.

So, Whitney used to have her own show on TV.

She does stand-up comedy.

She produces another show on television.

Yeah, do you, uh, want to get involved in television?

No, not really.

I don't really even watch TV.

That's okay... I mean, the people that watch TV didn't watch my show, so...

[chuckles]

[laughing] Oh, my God, she laughed!

I'm k*lling.

Excellent!

[chuckles]

That was the first time.

So, okay, well, then, what do you like?

PewDiePie, Tyler Oakley, Smosh.

What is she saying? Are these Pokémon?

No, these are YouTubers, right?

Yes, yeah. Do you know any of them?

I mean...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.

What do... what do they do?

They're coming for our jobs.

That's what they are.

This is Shad.

Shad: It's time for "Be My Bae"!

SnizzLint96, be my bae.

ChowFatFun, mmm, give me some. Be my bae.

♪ The_Droobler, ♪ be my bae.

[laughs]

Or no.

Oh, he's hilarious.

I-I feel like I was just assaulted with a barrage of no talent.

That's a lot of talking fast.

He's the best.

Really? At what?

That was insane.

That's the most excited she's been since she's been here.

I mean, I don't know anything about that world. Do you?

No, I mean, but I am thinking about looking into it for my own career.

I got to find one of those guys so she can meet them.

I mean, do we know anybody that knows them?

I mean, we're in show business. We got to know somebody.

You know who you should talk to? Andy d*ck.

Oh, come on. Is there anybody else?

I'm telling you, he's like the bridge, you know?

He's the only one of our generation who still talks to 10-year-olds.

Oh, no, but with him comes chaos and possible jail time and...

But he is in town.

He's promoting his court-ordered, um, like, one-man show.

Just get him in your garage.

Oh, then he's in my house and I got to open up that whole can of worms.

I've been, uh...

I've been avoiding Andy d*ck.

I think if you want to entertain your niece, you're gonna need d*ck.

Really, Whit? You're better than that.

Definitely, I'm not better than that.

All right, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to get d*ck.

Hey, Sydney.

I can explain that. He's a guy.

All right, okay, so, explain to me, Andy, how do you get a court-ordered one-man show?

I peed in a theater.

Is that what it's called?

Okay, interview over. I'm done.

Stop it. Stop it.

No, no. It's called "d*ck'd," with apostrophe "d," like "Punk'd" but with my name... "d*ck'd."

I'm "d*ck'd."

You are "d*ck'd."

No.

But are you...

But the thing is I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of... 'Cause the show you saw was that half "Mamma Mia!"- half "Puppetry of the Penis," you know, where I... Stretch Armstrong...

But isn't the idea the... the... the court order was, as an entertainer, you were gonna talk about how you changed?

I mean, didn't...

Yeah.

How is... Well, how have you changed?

Well, you're looking at.

What? I like it.

You do?

Yeah.

Boring?

It's not... How are you boring? There's no...

Boring! Hello?

You could never be boring.

Bo-ring!

That's in your head.

Bo-ring, ring. Hello?

It's in your head. It's in your head.

Well, this is what you get, so this is what America wants.

This is what America gets.

You court-ordered it... boring!

I own a wallet now.

Good. Great.

And I got my driver's license back, Uh-huh. which is good, actually.

It's in my wallet, which is in my front pocket, actually, because I wear my pants backwards.

No, you don't.

No, I really do.

Why?

So I don't whip it out, so...

I'm serious... so easily.

It's like, you know...

Which doesn't happen as much now that I don't drink.

Isn't that amazing?

Keep it in your pants, kids!

Now you've mentioned kids. You...

I don't remember.

But you have, like, kids.

I have a boatload of kids.

You have a lot of kids.

Yeah, like, between three and five kids.

What? Oh, it's a...

Like, three...

Two that are, like, surrogate.

So, you know how to talk to kids. I don't.

No, I don't.

No, my 15-year-old niece is here now, and I can't communicate with her.

Good luck with that.

I can't... I have no idea. She's just shutting me out.

Can't communicate.

No.

She likes these YouTuber guys.

Yeah, uh-huh.

And they're just... To me, they're just yelling at the camera. They have no talent.

Have you seen the videos?

Ray William Johnson.

Don't know him.

Pruane the Sexman.

Don't know him.

Shad Browning-Harris.

Him I've heard of.

He's a very good friend of mine.

[laughing] He throws... Oh, man, that last party.

I don't go to those parties anymore.

Well, good for you.

Boring Andy. New Andy.

That... Look, I-I-I'm sorry you're not going to parties, Andy.

I don't think you're boring. But if you know this kid Shad and you can hook me up with him so I can introduce him to my niece, that would make me just the greatest uncle in the world.

Can you help me out?

Can you promote my one-man show?

Absolutely. What's it called?

"d*ck'd." "d*ck'd."

Do you need a visual?

No, I don't.

Oh, my... His pants are really on backwards.

Yeah, I told you.

Stop it.

You know what?

Sit down.

Yeah. You're a...

That's too bad.

It would have been great radio.

That went good, right?

I... Yeah, I guess so. I don't know.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

The thing is, is I'll tell Shad that you're coming over.

Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, and then I'll text you...

That will be so good.

...his address.

That will be so good.

It'll be such a nice surprise for her.

Andy: Isn't she a little young for you?

That's my niece... I just told you my niece is here.

Well, that's illegal.

She's visiting. There's nothing going on.

Why are we even having this conversation?

Hey, how long are you visiting?

Till Sunday.

Oh, I'm Andy. What's your name?

Sydney.

Spaghetti arms, that's your name. Look at you, little spaghetti arms.

All right, Andy, I think you're scaring her.

No, I'm... What are you...

This is what I'm talking about!

What?

I gave her spaghetti arms, and now I'm a pedophile!

No, I'm... I'm not...

I'm groping her when I'm giving her spaghetti arms.

No, I'm...

That's what I'm talking about.

You're not helping my image!

This is the new Andy.

All right.

Okay?

Back off, S.V.U.!

Okay.

I am not a monster!

O-Okay.

All right, that was, uh, Andy... the new Andy.

You should have seen the old Andy.

That... that was something.

I think this is it.

What are we doing?

Whose house is this?

I've been here before.

My friend Ray used to live here...

Ray Romano?

"Everybody Loves Raymond"?

Really? Nothing?

You don't...?

All right.

Hello?

Hello?

This... this is The Shad Shack!

Of course it is.

Oh, my God.

[voice in distance]

[man imitating fighting sounds]

And then I'm all like, "Pssh!" [chuckles]

"Why you hatin'?"

A guy like that needs some serious attitude adjusting.

Why you hatin'?

Why you hatin'? Hey. Mmm.

What's happening?

He's doing the next "Why You Hatin'?"!

[Sydney giggles]

He's got a lot of nice stuff.

He's worth $4.4 million.

You're Andy d*ck's friends.

He told me you were gonna be stopping by.

He was right about Sydney.

Wow.

Hey.

Will you be my bae?

Hey, hi. I'm Marc Maron.

This is my niece.

Ooh, but that niece-ta!

[both laugh]

Dude, I think I remember seeing you on Comedy Central.

That's right.

Back when I was in elementary school.

Yeah, yeah.

Dope.

So, uh, what have you been doing?

I... You know, I still do comedy, and I have a podcast.

Well, good for you for keeping at it.

You want to make a video with me?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just wanted her to meet you and see what you had going on here.

I'm good.

You sure?

Dude, I get like 2 million views a week.

[chuckles]

You don't think your podcast could use a Shad bump?

You should do it. You should do it.

You should do it, Uncle Marc.

2 million subscribers, huh?

Swag.

All right, why not? Let's do it.

Good.

All right.

I'll make a wardrobe change right quick.

[giggles] You're so funny.

Thanks.

[clicks tongue]

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Marc: Okay, what are we doing?

You got to squat.

Why?

'Cause we're gonna pop into frame.

[chuckles] You good with that?

Yeah, yeah, I-I can pop.

Sweet, thank you.

I'll signal for you to pop up.

Just do like I do.

Rolling! [clears throat]

[Shad exhales sharply] Action!

We're back for another... [chuckles]

"Why You Hatin'?"

And, uh... [chuckles] Do you hear what I hear?

What were you doing down there, Marc Maron of podcasting and comedy?

I was doing what you told me to.

Well, I didn't tell you to use teeth.

[chuckles]

Okay, yeah, that's funny.

All right, all right.

Now... now, okay, what are we doing?

Relax, old guy.

You need a chair, maybe some water?

I don't know. You need a spanking or something, douche bag?

You want to start over or something?

No, no, we'll pick up from where we stopped, and then just edit around that.

Action! It's Marc Maron from podcasting!

He was on TV when I was a kid!

Yeah.

Marc Maron... who you hatin'?

And why?

I don't know what's happening.

[clears throat] All right.

This next part, Marc, I'm gonna need you to put this baby bonnet on and then cry into the camera.

I'm not doing it.

[Shad scoffs]

Don't be a little baby, Marc.

Wah!

I'm little baby Marc. Wa-a-a-h!

Well, you think just because I'm older I don't know what you're doing here?

You're trying to sandbag me with some, you know, green-screen video bullshit.

You think you're funny? You think this is funny?

You're not a star. You're not even talented.

All right? You're just making crap.

Oh, let me rephrase that... content.

Uncle Marc!

Ah, see? Exactly.

And what's your deal, Uncle Marc?

I paid my dues, man.

I'm a stand-up comic.

I know how to do something.

Yeah, you know... you know how to do something.

You do a podcast, right?

Yeah.

Where do you do that?

In my garage.

Oh, okay.

Beep, beep, beep!

What does that even mean?!

What do... Are we... are we still rolling?

Is it my show now?

Well, listen, anybody who watches this is a g*dd*mn moron.

How'd I do with the, uh, "Who I'm Hating?"

Oh, sh*t.

What?! What?! What?!

You're not gonna talk to me now?

I don't get it. I mean, what...

I get into a fight with a guy who hand-farts Taylor Swift songs, now I'm the assh*le?

[door slams]

Come...

All right.

Hey, Sydney, you want to come out here?

I made popcorn, gonna watch a movie.

It's a Fassbinder film...

"The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant."

You know that movie?

Or "Pitch Perfect" is on demand.

[cellphone dings]

What?

[keyboard clacking]

I'm here with old guy Marc Maron!

Do you need a spanking or something?

[chuckles] Take me out to dinner first.

You're just... funny. [farts]

Ugh. What was that all about?

Are we still rolling? [farts]

Seriously, Marc, what did you eat?

This is a professional sound stage, and that behavior is not allowed here.

I'm a... ahit. [farting]

Bye-bye, Marc.

sh*t!

Hey, did you see this, Sydney?

Are you happy now?

[cellphone vibrating]

[sighs] What?

Hey, what's it like to be an old?

Oh, great, you saw that, too? God damn it.

I have software on Sydney's phone.

I can see whatever she looks at on that thing.

Wow, why don't you just put a chip in her head?

Hey, what are you guys doing in the Hollywood Hills?

What?

Oh, I'm tracking her phone on GPS.

How accurate is the GPS on that thing?

Can you see an actual address?

Uh, yeah.

2602 Glendower Avenue.

Boy, oh... Uh... That... that's amazing!

2602 Glendower Avenue!

That's exactly where we are.

All right, we're in the middle of a thing.

I'll check in with you later.

[indistinct conversations]

[up-tempo music plays]

Excuse me.

Hey. Excuse me.

You seem like the only other adult here.

Have you seen a 15-year-old girl with curly brown hair, bad attitude?

Okay. Good talk.

All right.

Andy!

Aren't you not supposed to be here?

Oh, I'm bad.

sh*t, are the cops here?

No, I di...

Oh, thank God.

Marc, this is my daughter.

So, Marc, my daughter, Meg. Marc.

All right, I got to go.

He's the mean guy.

And this is my boyfriend! Marc!

Maron: Oh, stop it.

Okay, are you ready?

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

What are you doing?!

What are you doing, Uncle Marc?

Come on! We're going.

Come on.

No, no, no, I haven't done it yet.

I don't know what "it" is, but we're going. Let's go.

No, I'm gonna get a million hits.

Hold my hair, you guys!

[all chanting] Hold my hair!

Hold my hair! Hold my hair!

[chuckling] Hold my hair.

Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, of course. You.

You're a piece of sh*t, you know that?

A piece of sh*t.

[chuckles]

She volunteered to be the next "Hold My Hair" girl... brah.

Sydney: Yeah, I'm gonna be the next "Hold My Hair" girl.

You're not gonna be anything.

We're leaving.

Turn that off.

Hey. Okay... dad.

All right. I shut the camera off.

It's still on. Turn it off.

Hey, well, you know what? Freedom of the press, man!

I don't have to shut this off.

Turn it off!

Are you really getting in my face right now, man?

Yeah, I am right now.

Oh, yeah, tough guy?!

You know what? You can't put that up online because she's 15.

Did you know that when you started filling her with rumple minze, you piece of sh*t. Did you know that?

And if any video of my niece shows up anywhere, I'm gonna shut The Shad Shack down.

Back to the garage, old man.

Sydney: Stop it.

Come on.

Ow. Ow!

I just can't believe you'd pull this kind of stuff with me.

I didn't do anything wrong!

You snuck out of my house.

You got into a car with Andy d*ck.

You're... Now you're drunk at a party with date rapers and Andy d*ck.

All it takes is one idiot with a camera to ruin your whole life.

Please, I-I know you've done worse.

I listen to your podcast.

Oh, really? You said you didn't listen to it.

I lied.

I like it.

[laughing] Okay.

I just feel... alone all the time.

Do you know what that's like?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

[retching]

Oh.

Okay. All right.

Got a real "Hold My Hair" video going here.

[retching continues]

It's a private moment, though.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

Hey.

All right?

You good?

[retching]

Oh.

I don't miss this.

[camera shutter clicking]

Nothing to see here. Put your phone away.

[retching continues]

[cellphone vibrating]

Hey, Josh, we're on the way to the airport right now.

How did the trip go?

Did she drive you crazy?

No, man, it was cool.

We had a good time.

We went shopping.

She met Whitney Cummings.

Who?

It was good, man.

Last night we just had, like, a quiet dinner at some friends' house.

No incidents to report, brother.

Yeah, we're on... I'm going now.

We're going right now.

All right. Talk to you later.

I didn't rat you out.

Don't I get any credit for that?

All right, did you learn anything from last night?

No.

All right.

Let's get you to the airport.

Parenting is the worst job on Earth.

Even if you say you don't want to do it, even if you say, "I don't have the time. I can't handle the responsibility. I don't want them damaging my near-mint collection of 'Star Wars' action figures," it doesn't matter, because it's not a choice, really.

Wanting to be a parent is hardwired into our DNA.

And everybody who has kids just hopes that they can relate to their offspring better than their parents related to them.

I mean, my 15-year-old niece was just in town.

I thought I could relate to her.

I thought I could give her some life advice.

I thought I could connect.

I could not.

And what I learned is that teenagers are dicks.

And then I started to think about what I was like as a kid and how difficult I was for my parents to bring up.

And then it made me think some more about that.

And then I came to the conclusion that my parents... still weren't very good parents.

They were... they were kind of bad parents.

[cellphone dings]

What?

Oh, sh*t!

- [up-tempo music plays]

I'm gonna shut The Shad Shack down.

Shut The Shad Shack down, down, down.

Shut The Shad Shack down, shut The Shad Shack, shut The Shad Shack, The Shad Shack.

[keyboard clacks]

If you do have kids, however you raise them, try to keep them off the Internet for as long as possible.