03x08 - Professor of Desire

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, so, I think he's actually the only real genius I know.

I mean, I-I... No offense.

None taken, man. Trust me.

If Dostoyevsky had written for "Alf" in his 20s, nobody'd take "Crime and Punishment" seriously.

[chuckling] Come on. Let the "Alf" thing go.

I mean, Dostoyevsky, what, he wrote like 20 amazing novels.

Jack Ross wrote one.

Yeah, but, you know, the poor bastard's been chasing it for the last six.

I think that's true.

Well, at least he had one.

Jerry Stahl, you wrote "Permanent Midnight," man.

Never forget. Never forget.

Great book.

Thank you, I think.

I got to go up to, uh...

Jack's asked me to speak to his class, and I'm nervous about it.

Really?

Yeah, because I think I wanted to do that.

I think that in some other life in my mind, some parallel universe, I-I'm a professor.

Sure... sit around with a bunch of douche nozzles, kicking around Slavoj Zizek.

I don't even know who that is.

Popular Marxist on Twitter.

I don't even know if you're pulling my leg.

Not at all. Could I make that name up?

No, I know the name's probably right, but I don't...

I can't even pronounce it.

[laughs]

I'm just gonna open my mind.

Mm-hmm.

I think it'll be a good experience for me to connect with the young people.

It'll be validating.

Sure.

Be nice.

Uh-huh.

Have you ever guest-lectured?

I've done some.

Where?

San Quentin.

That's a good school.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Okay, man, so, don't forget to water the plants out back.

Those are the keys.

I appreciate you doing this.

So, you're gonna hang with Jack Ross? That's wild.

Yeah, man. We're buddies from back in the day.

When I was doing comedy in Boston, he was like this, just this, like, scrawny Harvard kid, used to hang around the club and kind of took a liking to me.

Think he saw me as a mentor or something.

Cool. Because now I kind of see you as my mentor.

I'm not your mentor.

Yeah. You are.

No. I don't want that job.

Well, you got it.

Dude, I'm a shitty mentor.

You texting a chick?

No, dude.

I'm doing research on that "Slo-vej Zee-zack."

Actually, it's pronounced "Sla-vodge Jee-jek."

Like "Gigi," but with "jek."

He's a Slovenian Marxist philosopher.

He's super-trendy. You should check out Derrida.

That dude, he invented deconstruction.

You need to know semiotics. It's its own language.

How do you know this sh*t?

I was a philosophy major.

Uh-huh. Why are you a comedian?

I was a philosophy major.

All right. Okay, buddy.

So, look, I, uh, I need you to, you know, just feed the cats, don't let the cats die, don't k*ll my plants.

Don't k*ll yourself in my house.

I don't want to come home to that.

Okay. No problem.

Right.

All right. You take care of yourself.

Anything for my mentor.

Hey, man!

Marc: [chuckling] Hey, man.

Jack Ross. What's up, buddy?

[laughs]

Come on in. Put your stuff down.

All right.

Right here is good?

Yeah, that's fine.

Wow!

Nice.

Is this... This is built-in, they call it, right? This wood.

[chuckles] It's built-in, yeah.

Very fancy, man.

Wow. What can I tell you?

The house came with the job, you know?

Wood came with the house.

That's hilarious.

You still kind of talk like you write.

[chuckles] And you're still full of sh*t.

[chuckles] Okay.

Well, this sounds literary.

Aww. There she is.

There she is.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow!

Wow, look at you!

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. You haven't changed since Boston.

Aww.

You even kiss the same.

[chuckles]

Ohh. Wait. Come on.

Honey.

[stammers] What are you, freaked out?

It was a long time ago.

[laughs]

No, no.

It's behind us, right?

You were desperate and out of control and [chuckles] you, you know, had a... body that wouldn't quit... literally.

It literally wouldn't quit.

[laughs]

[laughs] Come on.

It's, you know, if that hadn't happened, right, you probably wouldn't have written that first play.

[laughter]

Well, who wants a bourbon? Huh? Yeah?

Oh, I-I don't.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

You're right. Okay.

Well, I'm gonna have one.

[laughs] Okay. All right.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

Hey. Come on. Come on.

All right. All right.

Ah, you feel good.

W-We're grown-ups now.

What is that?

What is that?!

[laughs]

Come on. Don't do that.

I don't know.

What... I can't believe this place, man.

I should have studied more in college.

No. I write books, man.

It's so 20th century. It's 19th century.

You... you're 21st century.

Yeah, but...

You're on... you're on another level.

All right, fine. But I live in a cabin compared to this.

I mean, you won.

No.

I think you've won.

No.

Still with the reverse d*ck-measuring.

You two are amazing.

I miss you guys.

Oh, we miss you.

Honey, we got to go.

Okay.

Really? Just like that, you're gonna...

See you. Love you. Okay.

All right.

You'll show me the house later?

Uh, yeah. Honey, just put his stuff upstairs, please.

You got it.

I'm gonna take this bag.

Okay. Yep.

Okay.

All right.

Bye, hon.

Bye!

Kind of a long kiss with Marc.

Honey, stop.

Okay.

Jesus. They're kids.

No, they're not. No, they're not.

I'm telling you, man.

This generation is different, man.

They're like... They're... emotionally, they're right there with us.

Really?

Yeah.

All right. So, what's the deal here?

When's everyone coming?

Pal, this is everybody. Okay? You ready?

[sighs] Yeah.

All right. Guys, here he is, huh?

The moment you've all been waiting for.

This is my old pal Marc Maron.

He is a stand-up comedian. You know that. He's an author.

He is, most impressively, a pioneer of new media, okay?

He hosts an incredibly popular podcast which he famously records in his garage, guys.

Oh, wow. When you say it like that, it sounds so sad.

Hi. How are you?

Uh...

Wow. I'm at a college.

That's... Okay.

Lenny Bruce was about freedom of speech.

Richard Pryor was about vulnerability.

Bill Hicks was about blowing minds.

But the one thing they all had in common was authenticity.

What's interesting about authenticity now... and stay with me... is that the Zeitgeist is so fragmented that authenticity has become like just another niche.

"Zeitgeist"? [scoffs] Really?

[chuckles]

Academic heckling? Is that a thing? Really?

Anyways, what I was saying is, not unlike Zizek stated, the main point of any authentic act is to gain free action.

Like, with Lenny Bruce, for instance...

Okay, it's pronounced "Zhee-zhek."

And what he said was, the main point in any authentic act is to gain free action and, in so doing, to renounce the transgressive fantasmatic supplement that attaches us to...

Impressive, Tina.

"Fantasmatic"?

Philosophy.

Oh, it's its own language.

Uh, why don't we, uh, switch over to Q&A, guys?

So, uh, questions for Marc?

Uh, interview technique, new media, content options?

Yeah, Hooper?

What's Iggy Pop like?

[chuckles] He was cool.

He did the entire interview shirtless. That was a first.

Can we talk a little bit about your process?

How do you... how do you prepare for one of your podcasts?

Well, I don't do a lot of preparation.

I like to be as spontaneous as possible 'cause I think when you're in the moment, it's... you have a better sh*t at being authentic.

So you mean "lazy"?

Mnh. How long did it take you to prepare that question?

So... preparation's a bad thing?

I didn't say that.

Okay. I was just asking.

Oh, is that what you were doing? Just asking?

Marc Maron. Marc Maron!

Hey.

That's great. Hey, man. Hey.

Thanks so much, man.

Hey, buddy.

That was great.

Yeah, it was great.

It was great. It was great. Hey.

Came all the way down here, left... Where's that?

Highland Park?

Yeah, Highland Park.

What the hell was that?

What?

Don't go old Maron on me, man. You did great.

You should teach a course on the new authenticity.

What, are you mocking me?

[chuckling] I'm not mocking you.

That sounds like a bullshit thesis.

Yeah, and I'm sure somebody's writing it, man.

I mean, you have entered the culture.

You've single-handedly forged a new genre.

You know, you define the medium.

Yeah, but you could have told me about that one.

Jesus, man. When'd you get so sensitive?

You weren't the one being Zeitgeisted!

If I knew it was 12 little assholes, I would have Skyped.

Oh, that's nice.

Listen.

I want to apologize.

I'm actually a huge fan.

Yeah?

Wow. How do you treat people you don't like?

[chuckles] I'm sorry, but really?

When you mentioned Zizek, I could just smell the Google.

What? Come on.

Look, I have to go.

But I just wanted you to know I love your work.

Nobody's doing what you're doing.

Mnh.

Bye, Jack.

Tina.

I know. I know. That one's a problem.

No sh*t.

No, I m... I mean... [clears throat] she's real... she's really a problem.

She's... she's my T.A.

And I, uh, I sl... I slept with her.

So...

Oh, man.

You're in trouble.

No. No, no. No. I mean, it was one time.

You know, it was a mistake. I-It was...

Everything's...

It was a great mistake.

But everything's...

...good.

Yeah?

[indistinct conversations]

[soft piano music plays]

Yeah, I'd like to. Sure.

You want to meet some more?

I'd like to meet some people.

Okay.

Uh, Dorian Trask. Marc Maron.

Hi.

Comp lit.

Oh, really? Comp lit.

That's interesting. I was just reading, uh...

So, I hear Mindy got $2 mil for her book.

You believe that?

Mindy K-Ka-Kaling?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

No. I mean, can you believe that? $2 mil?

I... You're comp lit, and we're talking about Mindy Kaling?

Is the world ending?

[laughter]

No, it's not.

This is William Schneider... Dean. Seriously funny guy.

Hi. How are you?

Marc Maron.

You see those nudes of Kim Kardashian's butt?

Wait. Kardashian's ass? Is that... is that the topic?

I'd like to bury my face in that meme, if you know what I'm saying.

[laughter]

The world is ending. Is that the topic?

This is what you... you guys talk about?

We're off the clock.

[laughter]

All right, all right.

Don't look now, but Tina just walked in.

Okay.

Why...

Don't say "don't look now" to somebody, because then they...

Oh, God. Okay. Damn it.

What?

You got to go talk to her.

I just don't want things to seem weird, so just, please...

Weird how? I mean, I'm already drowning in weird here.

Just go. Go make...

All right. Okay.

...ch-ch-ch-ch-chitchat.

Okay.

I wanted to be a writer 'cause I think I... I have novels in my head, but I just... I never could... you know...

Write them?

Yes.

That was the problem.

Exactly.

Yes.

Writing takes discipline.

Oh, yeah? Well, what do you know about discipline?

Oh, don't be a d*ck.

Wow.

You know I'm right.

Okay.

So, when did the gene for relentless ball-buster kick in with you?

Oh, shut up! [chuckles]

Come on.

You know you like it.

Oh, really? Now you know what I like?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm. Okay.

Marc.

I see you've met Tina.

I-I have. She was at my lecture today.

Or whatever it was.

It was life-changing.

So... how are the cats?

Pretty good. Cats are good.

How about you? What's going on with you?

You still painting?

Uh, no. No. I just, like, kind of stopped.

Oh. Well, maybe you'll pick it up again.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

I have to grade some papers... or, as I like to call it, crushing the dreams of some undergrad students.

Mm.

[Marc stammers]

She's a bit much.

It's not quite the same thing as...

Mm! Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'll say.

Yeah.

[groans]

What the hell was that, Jack?!

I-I mean, I just saw your graduate student Tina grab your balls in the middle of a party.

Huh?!

Sit down. Just sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Listen, this sh*t is bad.

I mean, it's really bad. She's blackmailing me.

All right, she says if I stop sleeping with her, she's gonna... she's gonna tell Meg, man.

Jesus, Jack.

I know! I know! I know! I could lose my tenure.

I could lose my job... everything.

I mean, this thing is... i-i-it's wrecking my life!

W-W-What are you thinking?

I'm thinking...

Oh, come on.

"These are a 24-year-old's panties" is what I'm thinking.

Can I tell you something? I'm writing like crazy.

All r... Okay.

You know, like... like I haven't in years.

Okay, well, that's... that's... that's a good thing.

Look, I need a favor. Okay?

I-I'm not k*lling Meg.

No, you don't have to k*ll Meg. All right?

You just have to talk to Tina.

We go back, man.

You're the only one I can turn to.

Oh, okay. So, this is it?

So you had me up here to go to talk to your little blackmailing protégé to...

[whimpers]

I-I get it.

[cries]

Oh, come on.

I'm just not doing very well.

[sobbing] I'm really trying hard.

I just...

All right. Just stop crying in the panties!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[coughs]

Okay. Okay. Listen.

All you got to do... all you got to do... is just go to her house, okay?

And just tell her to back off.

Okay?

Okay? Okay.

Yeah.

All right. All right.

Okay? Okay.

Just try to get ahold of yourself.

Okay.

Lay off the panties.

Okay.

Hi.

What?

I'm here to see my niece.

[indistinct conversations, guitar playing]

Why do you live in a dorm?

I'm an R.A.

Mm.

Free room and board.

What's it to you, little man?

Look, don't start, all right? You know why I'm here.

You got to leave Jack alone. He's losing his mind.

Is he?

How about you?

Are you losing your mind?

Don't... Just... stop it.

All right? I'm here for my friend.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah. But y-you really... don't...

I'm... I'm serious.

So, what did he tell you, anyway?

He said you were ruining his life, that you were holding him hostage, threatening to talk if he stops screwing you.

Well, then I must be a bad girl.

Yeah.

So, what are you gonna do about it, huh?

Uh, well... probably hurt myself.

Yeah?

Jack's the reason I came to this school.

I mean, his first novel changed my life.

But that book was 20 years ago.

Everything since then has been total crap.

That's a little harsh.

I mean, even if you're right...

No, you know I'm right.

I mean... he used to write these real, like, big-d*ck sentences.

Yeah. So?

I'm his muse.

Oh.

I mean, you know Jack better than anybody.

He does his best work in chaos and dread.

What do you do when you're not destroying other people's lives?

I write about destroying other people's lives.

All right, so you're a monster.

And you're a p*ssy.

Why would you... What?

[chuckling] I mean, I'd never actually tell his wife.

An artist just... just needs danger to get the juices flowing.

Oh, so you're helping him.

Well, he's writing, isn't he?

Well, how long do you plan on torturing this guy?

30 more pages.

Yeah? Of whose book... yours or his?

Mm, I was thinking a simultaneous release.

Okay. So you're some kind of evil genius.

I'm not an evil genius.

I'm just a strong woman who screws like a guy.

And why do you elder cocks have so much trouble with that?

Elder cock?!

I like it.

Yeah?

It's like my cock has wisdom.

Well, not only wisdom, but some craft and some skill, Mr. Maron.

Oh, you're too kind. Thank you.

Mm.

Look.

I admire you, Maron.

I mean, your podcasts were hugely influential in freeing me up creatively.

You were my favorite comic in high school.

Glad to help out.

Maybe I can help you, too.

Oh, yeah? How do you think that?

I mean, like, you don't even know me, really.

Well, uh...

I know you could lose a few pounds.

What?!

You're... awful.

Is it possible to do great work without being miserable or insane?

Do great artists need messy lives?

I know it's a cliché question, it's a cliché idea, but it is what it is.

Would Lou Reed be Lou Reed if he had skipped the smack and stuck to kale?

And I'm not talking about Cale the guitar player.

I'm talking about kale the vegetable.

Would Norman Mailer be Norman Mailer had he not stabbed his wife with a pen Kn*fe?

So, it's not a great example. It's a weird example.

But I think you get the idea.

Tortured lives... do we need them?

Don't know the answer.

I ask myself the question all the time.

Not necessarily that... because I could stop it.

I do know what's great about being a creative person or an artist as opposed to an accountant.

I mean, if you're an artistic person, whether that's a painter or a stand-up comic or a writer, a musician, a poet... whatever it is... that the worst sh*t you go through is just fodder.

It's just material or it's fuel for your creativity.

It's some weird gift.

If you're an accountant, it just makes you blow your brains out.

Bye, sweetie. Mwah! Have a good class.

Okay. Love you.

Ah. Marc.

Yes.

It was so wonderful to see you again.

Promise you'll come back soon.

I will.

Okay.

Hey, Marc.

Thank you.

For... what?

O-Okay.

Marc: Tina's not trying to destroy your life.

She thinks she's helping.

She wants you to write another great book.

W-What, are you kidding? That's what she said?!

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. [groaning]

Look, man.

All I know is that she's got a lot of love for you, Jack.

[muffled] No, no, no. No, no, no.

She's actually a-a really cool girl.

You slept with her!

No!

You slept with her!

No, I did not!

Yes, you did!

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did!

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did!

Okay, I did! Don't break my glasses!

No! No!

What are you freaking out about?

Why?! Why would you...

What did you think was gonna happen?

I don't know! [whimpers]

She's just trying to help, Jack.

Help me?!

She's just trying to help.

I need help?!

All right!

[whimpers] Why?

I'm trying to help. I was trying to help.

No! Why...

Do I look pudgy?

D... do you look pudgy?!

Yes!

I'm dying here!

My guts are coming out!

Here are my guts! Here! Here!

All right, all right! No!

Now you're pudgy! Now you're pudgy!

All right!

Ohh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

All right. All right.

Why? Why? Why'd you do it?

[sobbing] Why did you put him inside of you?

Why did you put him inside of you?!

Why did you put him inside of you?!

[sobbing continues]

Oof.

That seemed... uncalled-for.

[keyboard clacking]

[humming]

Hey, we good, buddy?

[breathes deeply]

Jack?

[sniffles, breathes deeply]

I'm taking off, man.

[sniffs]

Hey, can't wait to read the new one.

[muttering, sniffing]

♪ Here's to the long-suffering paramour ♪
♪ With bloody fists still banging on the door ♪
♪ Here's to the sorrow and the fury ♪
♪ And all the coughed-up regret ♪
♪ To devotion candles blinking in the darkness ♪