01x02 - The Shower

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: I hate my dress.

Lina: Well, you should have thought of that Lina: before you picked it out.

Ella: Frankie, I'm gonna be late!

Lina: Honey, if you would have helped with your sisters, you wouldn't have been so late.

Frankie: I don't like my dress.

Ella: Wednesday's the only day Ella: I can't be late.

Lina: I'm sorry, Ella.

Don't be such a spaz.

And you need to find your glasses.

Ella: Come on, let's go!

Maya: I know where they are.

Frankie: I don't like my dress.

Lina: Well, then, find them and put them on your face.

Ella, just go ahead. You don't have to wait for us.

Maya: They look stupid on me!

Lina: You're gonna look stupider when someone hits you in the face with a ball in gym class 'cause you can't see to catch it!

Lina: Really?

Russ: Come on. This is good for us.

Lina: No.

Russ: Intimacy.

Lina: It's not relaxing.

It's too small, and I get cold.

(Dog whimpering)

Russ: There's plenty of space.

(Whimpering continues)

Out.

Russ: Go!

Lina: You have to take him out.

Russ: Come on. Come on.

(Whining) (Russ groans)

I put him outside.

Lina: Did you shut the gate?

Russ: We have a gate?

S01E02
The Shower

(Dog whimpering)

Lina: Come on!

(Whimpering continues)

Well, he's not using the leg at all, and I'm really worried about it.

Receptionist: I'm sorry. What was the exact cause of the injury?

Lina: He fell down the back steps.

Russ: Yeah.

Lina: My husband left the gate open.

Russ: My wife made me take the dog outside.

Lina: I didn't want the dog to see my husband's boner.

Russ: We were showering.

Lina: was showering.

Russ: We were both...

Lina:I... Was showering.

Russ: It's a very small shower.

Receptionist: Okay. I'll... Doctor will see you shortly.

(Dog whimpering)

Lina: $5,000.

Russ: Maybe we need a vacation, just the two of us.

Lina: Hello. We just got a $5,000 vet bill. Can't afford a vacation.

Russ: I mean, how-how much do you think it would cost to...

I don't know, like, put the dog down?

Lina: The kids love that dog. I love that dog.

Russ: No. I know. So do I.

And what pisses me off the most is that I have a wife, and I have kids, and now I have this other thing that I have to take care of... and pay for.

AJ: Dogs are tough.

How much do you need?

Russ: Five K.

AJ: That's a lot of money.

Russ: I know. I know. Work has kind of been slow.

AJ: I get it. You got a lot of vaginas to feed, huh?

Maybe you could do something for me.

Roxanne and Jerry are having a party.

They're moving in together. I told you that, right?

Russ: Oh, sh*t.

No. Sorry.

AJ: It's cool.

I'm cool. He's a great guy.

He's teaching me how to mountain-bike.

Russ: Don't you already know how to mountain-bike?

AJ: Yeah, but not like this guy.

Russ: You sure you're okay?

AJ: Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm going to their housewarming party tomorrow.

Russ: Are you serious?

AJ: Yeah. Yeah, my therapist thinks it's a good idea. You know, closure.

Russ: You're really gonna go?

Sure. It'll be fun, you know? It would be nice to have some support there.

Russ: Yeah, absolutely. I will be there.

Lina: Wait. I don't understand. Is he lending us the money or not?

Russ: I think so.

Lina: You think so?

Russ: I mean, I'm-I'm pretty sure. That's why we're going to the party.

Lina: Do you think we can get it up front?

Russ: Mm, I don't think so. Hello.

Lina: Oh.

Maya: This is what she's wearing.

Ella: We think you should change.

Maya: Maybe put on a dress.

Lina: I don't like this dress.

Russ: Why? I think it looks great.

Lina: It's just itchy and weird. It's, like, from the '80s.

Russ: Stop.

Lina: Come on. Where is she?

Ella?!

Are you sure you're gonna be able to do this? 'Cause I'm not gonna pick you up in the middle of the night from another sleepover.

Ella: Mom!

Russ: Mom!

Lina: Mom!

(Horn honking)

Lina: Five bucks says she doesn't make it till midnight.

Russ: Yes, she will.

Valet: You here for the engagement party?

Russ: Uh, Roxanne and Jerry?

Valet: Yep.

Lina: I can't believe we got suckered into going to AJ's ex-wife's engagement party.

(Phone chimes)

Russ: I know.

Lina: With AJ.

Russ: And he's running late.

(Lina scoffs)

Russ: Should we bail?

Lina: Kind of want to.

Russ: Right?

Lina: We have a bottle of wine. Let's go to the park and drink it.

Russ: Let's go. Yeah, let's go.

Roxanne: Russ?

Russ (Sighs): Lina.

Roxanne: Russ?

Lina and Russ: Hi!

Lina: That ring is insane. Are you kidding me?

Roxanne: Ah, thanks. I know.

It... you know what? This is... quick. It's fast.

I never planned to get married again. You know that. He...

This is his second marriage, too.

Jerry: Yeah, I never thought I'd be getting married again.

Roxanne: No, and...

Jerry: All of a sudden, we have caterers and florists and dressmakers.

Roxanne: Yeah, we're planning a wedding, yeah.

I mean, this is...

Jerry: We're doing it.

(Doorbell rings)

Excuse us. That's the door. Uh, grab a drink.

Lina: Okay.

Russ: Sure. Thank you. Thank you.

Lina: Oh, my God, I hope my next husband is this rich.

Well, you are free to marry him as soon as my second wife graduates high school.

Lina: Deal.

Jess: Oh, thank God.

Someone I can talk to.

Lina: Wow.

Russ: Look at you.

Jess: Yeah. I was in a slut mood.

Oh, I'm sorry. There are other moods?

Jess: Can you ask your husband to please be nice to me?

Lina: Uh, where is your husband?

Oh, my grandfather husband is a million years old, and so he's asleep, and I'm here. Can I talk to you for a minute? It's very important.

Russ: Be right back.

Jess: So, there's this guy at work.

Russ: Uh-huh.

Jess: And things have been getting a little bit out of control.

Russ: Oh, I thought you had a thing about work.

Jess: I do. I do.

Russ: A rule.

Jess: We haven't done anything. There is a rule. I do have a thing about work.

(Sniffing)

He made me finger myself.

Russ: He made you?

At gunpoint?

Jess: He made me finger myself.

Like, if he gives me the challenge, I'm not gonna not do it.

Russ: No. Why would you?

Lina: So, how do you guys...? How do you know...?

Um... is it Jerry?

Jess: We didn't touch each other.

We were in separate cubicles.

Russ: Uh-huh.

Jess: I'm not an idiot.

Russ: Right.

Jess: He just, uh... (Sniffles, scoffs)

He made me finger myself. That's what happened. He made me finger myself.

Lina: And if we don't get the surgery, they might as well just cut the leg off.

And we only got him...

Russ: Hey. Hey, come with me.

Lina: What? Where's AJ?

Russ: I don't know.

That's not important right now.

Lina: Is he coming?

Russ: I-I don't know. It's not important.

Lina: The whole point...

Russ: Just come with me.

Lina: I'll be right back.

Please, I got to show you something.

Lina: Her brother is a vet.

Russ: Four showerheads.

Lina: Look at that.

Russ: Four showerheads.

Lina: Wow.

Russ: Four. Lina: Yeah.

Russ: You always say, like, "I don't want to take a shower with you because somebody always gets cold."

Lina: Because I always get cold... me.

Russ: Yes!

Now we don't have to.

Lina: Yeah.

Russ: We can just enjoy it.

Lina: W... now?

Russ: No one is getting cold.

Because there are four.

Honey, we're not showering right now.

Russ: We are showering right now.

Lina: No, no, no, no. No.

Russ: Yes. Nobody's gonna get cold.

Lina: We're at a party.

Russ: I know.

Lina: We're not taking a shower.

Russ: There are four showerheads here.

Lina: What is your obsession with showers right now?

Come on. Just take your clothes off.

Lina: No, I'm not showering at this party.

Russ: Why not? Let's just spice it up.

We used to do sh*t like this.

Lina: You're so cute right now.

I'm not showering with you.

Russ: Oh, it's AJ. Hello?

Lina: Good.

Russ: We're hanging out. It's very mellow. Everybody's... we're just hanging out.

Lina: Just tell him to come in.

Russ: I know. That's what I'm telling him. Really?

(Lina groans)

Um, yes, I can. Okay. I'll be right out.

(Crickets chirping)

Hey.

(AJ Sighs)

I've been parked out here for almost an hour.

I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. You know?

Russ: You think you're done crying?

AJ: Huh.

My therapist is such a piece of sh*t.

Closure. What kind of bullshit is that?

I should put a b*llet in his head. That'd be closure, huh?

Russ: What do you want to do?

AJ: Get in the car. Please.

Russ: Where are we going?

AJ: Home.

Russ: Your apartment?

AJ: Mm-mm. No, home-home.

My apartment's not a home. It's a coffin.

(Starts engine)

Jess: Hi.

Lina: Excuse me. Hi. Thank you.

I can't believe I wasted a sitter on this.

Jess: It's still early.

Let's just go out.

Lina: Hmm, I have to get up early.

Jess: Honestly, you really look too good to go home. Don't waste it.

I'll make it worth your while.

Lina: Really?

Russ: You guys still haven't sold this place?

AJ: We've gotten a couple offers, but nowhere near what it's worth.

We were happy in this house.

Russ: No, you weren't.

AJ: Well, we could've been.

Roxanne wants to sell.

She doesn't mind taking the loss.

I'm not taking any more losses.

Russ: Dude, you-you got to move on.

Roxanne is engaged.

AJ: Thanks, dad.

You know, when I said that I didn't want to be alone tonight, that meant that I needed a friend, not a dad, dad.

Russ: From now on, I am all friend.

AJ: Thank you.

(Doorbell rings)

Mmm, the girls are here.

Russ: What girls?

AJ: The companionship I ordered.

Russ: Oh, Jesus.

AJ: Lighten up, dad.

Woman: Hi!

AJ: The party has arrived.

Hi. Welcome to my ex-home.

Try not to slip on my tears. (Chuckles) Come in.

This is my friend, Russ.

He's even crazier than I am.

Russ: Uh, no. I am not crazy.

But I do... I do have issues. I do, yeah.

No, I'm, I am very complicated.

(Laughter, phone rings)

AJ: Oh. I'm getting a call.

It's my therapist. Ex-therapist. Hey, assh*le.

How am I? Well, why don't you ask the cr*ck whores I just ordered?

We're done. You broke my heart, Dr. Closure.

(Phone beeps)

Okay, who wants a tour?

This is the guest room.

This is where my mother-in-law stayed for six months after her hysterectomy. (Sniffs) Smell that?

But did I complain?

Russ: (Softly): Every day.

AJ: Not as much as I could have.

Woman 2: I get it. My mother-in-law is a straight-up bitch.

AJ: That's a friend, right? Thank you very much.

And this was my daughter's room.

She loved this room. (Grunts)

Hates my condo, but who can blame her, right?

Russ: All right, should we keep it moving here?

Woman 2: Yeah, mm-hmm.

Russ: See some, uh...

AJ: Oh, God, this is fun. Let's get this party started.

Jess: We just flirt. It's whatever. He knows it's not going anywhere.

He knows I'm a married lady. He knows I've had a baby, and it's just one of those work things that you need to help stay alive.

Lina: I miss work crushes.

Jess: Mmm, Russ told me that you're thinking about going back to work.

(Lina groaning) (Jess chuckles)

I don't know where to start with that. My last resumee was on a floppy disk.

Jess: Oh, my God, he's here.

Lina: Who?

Dewey, my work crush.

You brought me here to meet him?

Jess: You're really gonna like him. He has a lot to offer.

(Lina groans)

Oh, he brought a friend.

Lina: They're babies.

Jess: Mm-hmm, they are. And lucky for him, 'cause I'm still lactating.

Dewey: Hey, hottie.

Jess: Hey. (Lina groans)

Man: Hey.

Lina: Hi.

Man: So, how do you ladies know each other?

Lina: She's really good friends with my husband.

What? Hold on! Did you just say I'm really good friends with your husband?

We're not friends, bitch?

Lina: Yes, we are, but you asked how we knew each other. How we know each other is that you're friends with...

Jess: Don't strain yourself.

Jesus. Sorry you're slumming it with your husband's friend.

Maybe you should get your own friends.

Lina: No, I...

Jess: Can I get some sh*ts, please?

AJ: This was supposed to be a fitness center. A place we could come every day, work out together, connect, be intimate, you know.

We never worked out.

Russ: All right, I don't know about you guys, but, uh, I kind of feel like a-a cleansing row.

AJ: What?

Russ: A row. Come on.

AJ: I like what you're saying, yeah.

Russ: Why not?

You girls want to get in shape, huh?

Russ: Let's utilize some of this dusty equipment.

AJ: Right on, huh?

Woman 2: Row harder!

Russ: I can't.

Woman: Okay, now slower.

Woman 2: Come on, get into it.

Russ: I know.

AJ: Hey, hey, don't-don't do that.

That's not necessary. Just... be real. Okay?

(Laughter)

Jess: All right, cheers.

(Whooping)

Thank you.

Man: Cheers.

Dewey: Yeah.

Lina: He makes the best sh*ts. How hard is it to make another one?

Jess: Let's do it! You! Pour!

(AJ exhales)

Woman: Yeah. Come on. Ooh.

AJ: Right?

(Women laughing)

Uh, uh... yes! Jump! Jump! Jump! Oh... my... God.

Woman: Don't you want to join us?

Russ: I am joining you in spirit.

Woman: Come on!

Jess: You're like a little baby.

Are you sipping that? Oh, what a puss.

Put some underpants over your face. You're a vag*na!

Lina: Yay!

(Laughter)

AJ: Oh, I'm feeling that in my arms.

It's bad habits, but I can do it if I'm instructed. Bend over lower.

You're not squatting. (Grunting) Let the tension out.

What is wrong with you? Like, really go for it.

Russ: I am, okay?

AJ: Don't be timid in here.

Woman 2: Come on, come on, let's make this work.

Woman: Don't be a girl.

We are getting in shape!

Man: I seriously don't believe you.

Lina: Yeah, believe it.

Man: Really? Three kids?

Lina: Yes. Three.

Man: No way.

Lina: Way.

(Man chuckles)

Man: Are they cool?

Lina: Not really.

(Russ groaning)

Woman 2: Listen to me now!

AJ: I'll do whatever you want, just...

Woman 2: You'll do what I say.

Jess: You need to dance.

Lina: I'm not dancing.

Jess: Yeah, I want to see that booty shake all around.

Lina: I'm not dancing.

Jess: Now's the time.

AJ: Oh, yeah. That is fantastic. If I d*ed right now...

It would be sad. It would, it would suck. No way I would want to go.

Confuse a lot of people.

Sorry, I got to remember to move and not just watch you.

(Squealing) (Yelling)

(Screaming)

(Laughter)

AJ: So, are you guys bisexual or what?

Russ: Uh, guys, the man asked you a question.

(Laughter)

Jess: Whoa.

Yeah, you're the champion. You're the champion. You did it.

Lina: Are you hungry?

Jess: Yeah.

Lina: Do you have any money?

Jess: No. But I can get it.

Jess: Oh, sh*t. I forget my pin number.

It's my kid's birthday, which is... which is named Harrison.

(Laughter)

What is his birth...

Don't judge.

Lina: Oh, my God.

Tonight was really fun.

Jess: Tonight is so much fun. Don't die on me now, Lina. Let's go!

Let's get your ass back in the bar.

Lina: Jess!

Jess: What?

Lina: I want to get another taco.

Jess: This is a taco.

Lina: Oh, my God. (Laughs)

AJ: Which one do you want?

Russ: Which one do you want?

AJ: Both.

Russ (Chuckles): Good choice. Good... (Phone chirps)

Oh, sh*t.

AJ: Everything okay?

Russ: Ella's bailing on another sleepover.

AJ: Oh. I used to love sleepovers.

I'd pretend that I had normal parents and a nice house.

Instead of that sh*t hole.

Russ: Hey, I got to go. Can I borrow your car?

AJ: Yeah.

(Keys jingle)

Oh, and, uh... for the dog.

Russ: Thank you, man.

AJ: Thank you.

Russ: Have fun tonight.

AJ: I will try.

Russ: Good-bye. Good times.

Woman: Bye.

(Doors closes)

AJ: Ladies, it's pyjama time.

(Sighs)

Ella: I'm sorry I keep making you do this.

I just get really scared.

Russ: I know. It's okay.

Ella: Everything gets easier when you're a grown-up, right?

(Clicking)

Russ: Yeah. Uh-huh.

(Engine starts)

Ella: Love you, daddy.

Russ: Love you, too.

Ella: Thanks.

Russ: Sleep good.

Lina: It's this one.

(Keys jingling) (Sniffling)

Baby? (Russ groans) I need help with my dress.

Russ: No. No. (Lina muttering) Ow!

Ow.

Lina: I can't get my dress undone.

Russ: Wow. You look like you had a good time.

(Lina laughs)

Lina: Oh, my God, I had the best time.

I love Jess. Oh. (Russ groans)

Russ: Look what I got.

Lina: Is it water? Oh.

Oh. AJ rocks.

Russ: Hmm, sometimes.

Lina: He's a good one.

Russ: Mm-hmm.

Lina (Gasps): I forgot to tell you something.

I forgot to tell you that, um, Jess is gonna help me with my resumee.

Russ: Really?

Lina: Yeah.

Russ: That's great.

Lina: No one's gonna hire me, but, oh, I'm gonna have such an awesome resumee.

(Sighs)

Russ: Do you remember when we stayed with your friend on Catalina before we had kids?

Lina: Yeah.

Russ: And we got back from the beach, and we went in that outdoor shower.

And we stayed in there for, like, an hour.

(Lina chuckles)

We didn't care what... anybody heard or how loud we were. We just...

Stayed in there forever. We just... showered.

Lina: Oh, baby.

We need a vacation.

Russ: Please, can it be somewhere with an outdoor shower?

Lina: It's gonna be a villa.

Russ: Oh.

Well, see you in the villa.

Lina: See you at the villa.