04x19 - Ring Around the Party

[bunniefuu]

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, wow.

It's so pretty.

Oh, I just can't believe that we're actually getting married.

Yeah. Neither can the pig that just flew by.

Oh!

I for one am happy that you're making mom so happy.

We all know if mom's happy, she spends a lot less time making us unhappy, so, I'm happy.

Thanks, guys. I'd hug you, but this is a really good suit.

I've gotta get to work. I will see you... later.

M'kay.

You really do like the ring?

Oh, it is everything I ever dreamed of.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

What are you talking about? It's beautiful.

And the best part is, if the diamond falls out no one will notice.

Yeah. That's the problem.

This ring is supposed to shout to the world that I am marrying a younger, beautiful man, but all it shows is that my fiance is a cheap bastard!

That Brad is a lucky, lucky guy.

Whoa, there goes another one.

Okay, stop it. Stop it.

They just keep going.

(laughing)

I can't believe Riley is still dating old man Ross.

Sure, he's an attorney.

Makes a lot of money. Great shape.

I just don't know what she sees in him.

So I said, "actually, lawyers do it in their briefs."

(All laughing)

Okay, I need to call it a night.

I have to be in court early tomorrow.

See you in the morning?

Hey, do you mind if I share a cab with you?

Early morning for me too.

Are you sure? I can walk you home.

No, finish your drink. I'll text you when I get there.

Bye.

See?

I told you we could just go back to being us.

Dating other people.

Right in front of each other.

Not awkward at all.

I need to go get another drink.

Wow.

Early night. I saw Ross taking off.

Curfew back at the rest home?

Ben, seriously, when are you going to just let this go?

Okay, so he's a little older than me.

Could you be any more immature?

Rhetorical, rhetorical. That wasn't a dare.

I got it. I'll be good, I promise.

I just can't believe you like hanging out with him.

Or any of his friends. What do you guys talk about?

Uh, nothing?

Since I haven't actually met any of his friends.

I know what you're thinking.

He hasn't introduced me because he's embarrassed by our relationship.

That's not true.

Actually, I just assumed it's because they're all dead.

You know what? That's it, I'm done.

No, Riley...

I said done.

Gosh. So hard to see why you two broke up.

I should go apologize to her.

I just can't help it, man.

I hate seeing her with Ross when I know she should be with me.

We're perfect together.

Like you and Ashley.

(Phone buzzes)

Or should I say "Ashley two."

Why is your girlfriend listed as "Ashley two" on your phone?

Oh, because when I was in Calgary, I dated that one Ashley, and then when I met this one, I kind of forgot to ask her what her last name was.

So now it's been six weeks. I think it's too late.

Danny, it's actually never too late to find out what your girlfriend's last name is.

And Calgary girl's name was Amber.

I wonder if that's why we broke up.

No, it's probably something else.

Why, why, why, Tucker?

I, I, I wish you would stop talking to me.

You don't understand.

The first time I got married, ray couldn't afford to buy a ring because we squandered all of our money on baby food.

And my prom dress.

This ring is my chance to finally get it all right.

If you think the ring was the problem with your last marriage, then I don't think you know how gay works.

But with that said, I get it.

What about this. What if...

The ring just accidentally disappears.

Accidentally?

Yeah.

Just put it on the counter, and I'll handle the rest.

Oh my God, Tucker, you're a genius.

I know. I'll say that I was doing the dishes.

Or something more believable?

Just turn around and you'll never see it again.

Okay, now under no circumstances ever give it back to me again.

Tucker? Tucker?

Wow. Talk about two birds, one stone.

Ooh, a sandwich.

Hey, Riley... Oh, hey, Ross.

Ben, hi.

When I said "pop by anytime," that was just a figure of speech.

I was just hoping I could talk to you for a second.

Yeah, not a problem. I'll just go finish in the bedroom.

The movie we were watching.

What do you want?

Listen, I thought about it all night, and you're right.

I keep saying I want to be a good friend, and then I do the opposite.

So if you like Ross as much as you say you do, then I will learn to like him too.

Or at least pretend to like him so well you can't tell.

Thank you. Apology accepted.

And I would like you to know that I will be meeting all of Ross's friends.

Yeah, I'm throwing a little cocktail party.

Wow, a cocktail party. Look at you all grown up.

Hey, um, will you come?

And be the supportive person I know you can be?

Yes, of course. Anything else?

Yeah, get out. We were kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, bang-de-bang. Shmoo-de-shmoo.

Oh, my God. Get out, get out!

I don't know why I'm being so crazy, Emma.

He probably won't even notice that the ring is gone.

Not when you got all this.

Right? Mm-hmm.

Knuckles. Give it. Boo.

Hey hey hey.

Oh, hi. Hey.

Are my two favorite girls ready to get some lunch?

Where is your ring?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, um... my ring...

Oh, my God.

You didn't lose it?

Please tell me you did not lose that ring.

Bonnie, that ring is a family heirloom.

My great great grandfather gave that to my great great grandmother on the day of their engagement.

I did not know that.

And then when the w*r broke out, and his country called him to duty.

She put that ring on a chain around his neck with the promise of coming back to his true love in one piece.

He was k*lled two days later, but that ring has gone down in my family from generation to generation.

My grandfather to my grandmother, my father to my mother, and now from me to you.

That ring is priceless and everlasting, just like our love.

Geez, you're long-winded.

You didn't let me finish.

It's not lost, it's just at the jewelers getting resized.

Yeah, it'll be back in time for our engagement pictures tomorrow.

I promise.

You know what? I'm just gonna let Tucker know that we are going out. He likes to stay informed.

Um, here.

Okay.

Such a story.

Tucker!

I'm not doing anything.

Sorry.

It's just my gut reaction when a mom walks into my room.

Look, I need that ring back.

You said "under no circumstances."

(Growls)

Okay!

These are pretty good circumstances.

Yeah.

It's in my pocket.

Okay.

At least, I thought it was in my pocket.

Wait, wait.

I know where it is.

Okay.

Where are you going?!

(Groans)

No!

Here you go.

Dude, did you get her to sign the fake guest book?

Yep. And her last name is...

She's got bad handwriting.

"A-s-h-l-e..." Yes!

Her name's Ashley Ashley.

Damn it.

Ben.

Hey, Ross the boss.

How's it going, man?

You know, if you come through the back, you can use the ramp.

I'm sorry.

That was the last one. I promised Riley.

In fact, I'm actually looking forward to your little cocktail party.

Here, on the house.

Yeah, about that.

How about we have a little chat man to man.

Or however close you can get to that.

Okay, not on the house.

Look, I know all about you and Riley. She told me everything.

Sorry, dude. I'm a tough act to follow.

But she seems to think that you two are just friends now.

But I'm not an idiot, Ben.

It's pretty obvious that you're still in love with her.

So this is me just letting you know that Riley, she's moved on, okay?

She tried the boy, now she has the man.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm sorry, but you can't come to the party. I'll give Riley your regrets.

Oh, you're gonna be the one with regrets that you ever messed with me... aah!

Oh, God. I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Right, I have food, drinks, music, and I'll find something with like a really good b*at... Oh, my god, beets!

I forgot the beet salad.

Riley!

Riley, everything is gonna be perfect.

Okay? Because you are perfect.

Hey, guys. Hope I'm not late.

Ben. What are you doing here?

I thought you couldn't make it.

Isn't that what you told me? That you couldn't make it?

No, Ben knew how stressed I was, so he volunteered to be our bartender.

Isn't he the sweetest?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Figured I'd be a nice guy and help out.

It's the manly thing to do.

Don't you think?

Oh, my God! I've been robbed.

Where is it?! I need to find that ring!

Wait, did you go through all my drawers?

All of them.

Which is why I can't make eye contact with you now.

Now find my ring or I am calling your mother!

No.

Yes, find it!

(Imitating phone dialing)

No, stop it!

Hello, Mrs. Dobbs.

So Ashley, I was thinking when I finally meet your parents some day, what should I call them?

Stan and Judy would be fine.

But if you really want to impress them, maybe go with Mr. and Mrs. Cooper.

Cooper!

He's actually my step-dad and my mom took his last name.

That's why it's different from mine.

Hey, I found this ring on the floor.

Oh.

That's my mom's. She hates it.

I'll just leave it on the counter for her.

Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, you guys coming to Riley's party?

If you are, make sure you subtly work in that you think Ross is all wrong for her, and all his friends are boring losers and if she's gonna date anyone, it should be me.

But don't be obvious about it.

You got it.

Oh, if you see mom, tell her her ring's on the counter.

What?

Damn it.

Still cleaner than the cups I'm using.

So...

What do you think?

Are people having a good time? I feel like people aren't having a good time.

Why would you say that?

Because I heard that girl say she's not having a good time.

It's because you're different people.

You're generation Y.

They're generation "why's the music so loud."

If I can't make it work with his friends, how can I make it work with him?

Maybe Ross and I are just too different.

(Scoffs) That's crazy, Riley.

I mean, I would never say that, but I support your decision to break up with him 100%.

Thank you for being you.

I can't thank you enough for tonight.

Everyone's having a great time.

Really?

Trust me when I say this, every guy here that met you wants to be me, and every woman here wants to be you.

No they don't.

They most certainly do.

You, Riley, are an amazing woman.

That's how you do it, son. You got it?

Oh, I more than got it. Now I'm gonna get it back.

Tucker, what am I gonna do?

I was supposed to meet Brad to take our engagement pictures an hour ago.

And I'm having a really good hair day.

No, I'm having a good hair day.

You're just having a day.

Oh, hey.

You guys are missing a great party.

Well, a party.

Did Ben bring you the ring back?

My ring?

Yeah.

I left it on the counter.

Ben! Thank God.

Okay, Tucker, come on. We are gonna go crash Riley's lame party.

Ben, hi, sweetie.

Give me my ring.

What ring?

My engagement ring. That was on the counter?

Counter... (Gasps)

Oh, I wonder if it got mixed up with the ice I spilled.

Okay, where's the ice?

Everywhere.

You take right, I'll take left.

Okay.

Go, go, go, go, go.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I'm just looking for...

Oh, breath spray. Here we go.

That's perfume.

Danny, I'm not an idiot. Going through my purse? The guest book signing?

You calling me to take a fake survey?

You don't know my last name, do you?

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

Murphy?

I can't believe you. Don't call me. Lose my number.

I'd say lose my name, but you already did that.

Ashley, I'm sorry. Wait, I can explain.

I had sex with you.

And I'm sorry, but I know so many other things about you.

Like you laugh when you sneeze.

You've got two really cute freckles on your back, and your cat's name, Sparkles McGee.

Great, so you know my cat's last name.

Just give me a second chance, and I promise I will learn there is everything there is to know about you.

Wow. That was fast.

You used the two freckles line? Works every time.

(Chuckles)

Mm-mm. Hey.

Excuse me, man. I think you might have grabbed my drink off of the table, so...

Mm.

Mm-mm.

That wasn't it. Okay.

And that's why they invented the swizzle stick.

God, Mrs. Wheeler, what the hell are you doing?

Does an alarm go off in your apartment every time someone serves free liquor?

No. But that'd be a great idea.

Bonnie, where have you been? And where is your ring?

Okay, Brad, I don't know how to tell you this.

So I'm just gonna go with the truth.

The jewelry store burnt down to the ground.

My ring is gone.

(Coughing)

A ring? (Gasps)

Oh, my God. You want me to marry you.

Yes!

Yes, I will marry you.

Are you crazy?

I'm just dating you until Steve and Marcy break up.

Hey, Steve.

No.

Mrs. Wheeler, look! I found your ring!

Told you we'd get it back without Brad finding out.

Oh, hey, Brad.

Bonnie, I can't believe you lied to me.

You are a disgrace to my pop pop's pop pop's pop pop.

Brad.

I only lied because I didn't want to tell the truth.

Wow. This was fun.

You bring your mommy to all your parties?

You know, underneath those fancy clothes and expensive hair cut, I look at you and all I see is a desperate old man.

Well, I'd rather be that than be an immature boy who's done nothing with his life other than father an illegitimate child.

Nobody calls my daughter that. You want to take this outside?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, nobody is taking anything outside except maybe this tray of hors d'oeuvres.

Look, the eggs are little penguins.

You know? I'd love to take it outside.

(Exhales)

Oh, man.

Guys, can you stop it? Ross!

Will you two stop it?

Come back inside. You're both acting like children.

I hope you're ready for this. Oh, I'm ready.

Will you be ready?

Please do something?

Why? They're not doing anything.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just two guys that look like Ben circling the two guys that look like Ross.

What is going on out here? You woke up Emma.

Mom, take Emma back inside.

(Gasping)

Big mistake.

(Screams)

(Gasping)

Okay. Party's over.

(Laughs)

Time to go home.

Don't stay out too late. Excuse me.

I love these sconces so much.

Hey!

Boss the Ross.

Oh, hey, have you seen my apartment? 'Cause I can't find it anywhere.

I just don't understand what Riley sees in him.

Him who?

Ben.

(Scoffs)

What are you worried about him for? Danny is the one she's in love with.

(Elevator dings)

My apartment's here.

Can't waste any of that.

I'm sorry about all this.

I was jealous of Ben and I acted like a child.

How about we just erase this whole night and pretend it never happened?

You know I'd love that, believe me. There's nothing I would want more.

But I can't.

Why?

You didn't tell me you had feelings for Danny.

Danny?

Yeah, you told me about Ben, but you didn't tell me about the other guy across the hall and that tells me everything I need to know.

No. No, Ross. It is not like that.

I don't know why I didn't say anything about him.

I didn't think I needed to.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you.

Oh, my God. Are we breaking up right now?

Ross, please. I really care about you.

I don't know. I have some things I need to think about.

It sounds like you do, too.

Bye, Riley.

Ross...

Want another piece of me?

I'm sorry about that. I guess I hit the wrong guy.

Hell yeah, you did.

You okay?

Not really.

I think we just broke up.

Riley, everything is gonna be okay.

Ross is just some guy you dated. He's not the one.

How do you know that?

I just do.

Is there anything i can do to make you feel better?

Just be my friend?

Right. You got it.

Brad...

You have to forgive me. I had no idea how much the ring meant to you.

Bonnie, I didn't just meet you.

I knew you hated it.

Okay, but I don't anymore.

And I swear that i will never ever for any reason ever take it off again.

Would you take it off for this?

Oh, my god. I would take everything off for that.

Still my great grandma's.

Right, right! Sorry, sorry!