02x02 - Aftershocks

[bunniefuu]

I think it's broken.

It's not broke It might be broken.

Do you want it to be broken?

No.

But, I mean, if it was broken, that would be very cool.

I mean, "man breaks wife's shoulder from intense lovemaking session"?

(sighs) This did not happen from sex.

True or false: we had great sex on Sunday.

That was three days ago.

Aftershocks.

Doctor: What happened, exactly?

I really don't understand it. I wasn't doing anything.

I wasn't exercising, I wasn't lifting anything.

It's just so weird.

An injury like this is normal for someone your age.

My age?

I'm not even 40 yet.

Oh. When do you turn 40?

Tomorrow.

Russ: If I may... isn't it possible I boned her too hard?

Just, like, medically speaking?

Married - 02x02
Aftershocks

Jess: Now that you've given her the gift of a sexual injury, what could you possibly get her for her birthday?

Oh, I think we'll just do dinner with the kids.

You know? Maybe, like, a cake from Ralph's.

Mm.

Slow down.

A cake from Ralph's? Wow.

We don't make a big deal out of birthdays.

Well, fine, but it's her 40th. You need to bring it.

I did. I did.

Check it out.

Uh-oh. You don't know what "bringing it" means.

What is this?

Movie tickets from our first date.

Aw... that's... cute.

Yeah.

Yeah. Cute isn't a present though.

Where's the real gift?

Oh, give me a break.

Not everybody needs fancy gifts, you know?

Like diamonds and... an island.

Framed Sister Act tickets or an island are the only two gifts you can even think of for the most important person in your life?

It feels like that's all there is.

What's wrong with you?

A lot.

There's a lot wrong with me.

It started at an early age.

Oh, wow. Here we go.

No, my mother's...

No, tell me. my mother's 40th...

Mm-hmm.

I took my allowance and bought her a pair of earrings from the drugstore.

Mm-hmm.

And she said to me, "Oh, sweetie, I would never wear those."

Lina would totally wear drugstore earrings.

That's why I love her.

That's nice.

See?

I would m*rder someone if they gave me drugstore earrings.

(chuckles): Nice.

Yeah.

Literally.

(inhales sharply)

Ow.

Kenny?

Your handwriting looks weird.

That's rude.

Can't wait till our real teacher comes back.

That makes two of us.

(school bell ringing)

(children talking, laughing)

Hey, there.

You look so professional.

Oh, hi.

How's subbing going?

Oh, you know, I love one kid. I like three.

(quietly): I hate 12.

At least you're working.

Yeah.

I haven't had a real job since 9/11.

Anyway, I saw that you have a birthday.

It's on Facebook.

That's great.

Um, guess I'm not invited to the party.

That's fine.

Oh. We're not... we're not, um, having, like, a...

No, it's okay. 'Cause who wants a divorced lady at their party, anyway? On the prowl, sending out her scent? No, thanks.

You and Jay got divorced?

I kicked him out a week ago, but we've been texting.

He's really mean with emojis.

Sometimes it's just, like, a fist and a skull and a barrel. What do you think that barrel means?

Maybe that's where he's gonna put the body?

Ooh. Maybe.

Yeah. Anyway, um... enjoy your party.

I'm sure I'll write a comment about how nice your hair looked.

Stacy, if I was having a party, you would be invited.

We're friends.

(sighs)

That's what I thought.

Russ: Stacy is throwing you a party?

The crazy one?

Lina: Yeah.

I like her, and you know what?

She's no crazier than any of your friends.

That's fair.

I have nothing to wear.

But you said you didn't want a party.

No.

(phone chimes)

I said that I didn't want you to throw me a party.

Well, I can throw a party.

Remember my 30th?

Oh, that was an off night.

sh*t.

What?

Donna can't babysit, and I still haven't heard back from Jordan.

Who is Jordan?

The funky babysitter.

You know the one with the cool shoes and jackets?

No.

What is this?

That's your birthday present to me.

I got you a watch?

Well, should I wrap it?

Ah, what's the point?

Okay, so, wait.

Stacy is throwing the party, you got your own gift.

I mean, I feel like something's wrong here.

I'm low-maintenance.

That's what you love about me.

If I was blowing this, you would say something, right?

Probably not.

Aj: Oh.

These are nice.

I love these for Lina.

She's got great calves.

(sniffs) No.

I'm not buying my wife a pair of slutty shoes for her 40th birthday.

Maybe I should buy them for her.

It might be more exciting that way.

Yeah, and I could buy her some tasteful lingerie.

No and no.

Aj: Before Roxanne and I were married, I signed her up for the Shoe of the Month Club.

Wait.

That exists?

Aj: I invented it.

Every month, a new pair of shoes would come.

She'd model them for me.

Take 'em off, put 'em on.

Take 'em off... put 'em on.

Feet, right?

Maybe, if I was as good of a husband as I was a boyfriend, I might still be married.

But instead, I'm divorced, sober and celibate.

The big three.

Hmm.

What changed?

Roxanne was always so organized.

On top of everything.

The longer we were together, the less I did.

After a while, she realized she didn't need me.

Yeah, I feel that.

I'm not even on the Evite.

What? Really?

Yeah. For the party. I'm not even on the Evite.

Wow.

Can I give you a piece of advice?

Is it about feet?

When your wife says she doesn't need anything, don't believe her.

Yeah.

I never believe a word that comes out of Cindy's mouth.

Even if she cries for help.

♪ ♪

Whoa. Mrs. Bowman.

Hi. I'm sorry to show up at your house like this, but you weren't responding to my text messages, and then I drove by, and I saw your car in the driveway, so I thought...

I'll just... be a stalker.

(laughs) Okay.

I have a babysitting emergency.

Lina: So you really don't think tonight will be a problem?

Jordan: Not at all.

I've been meaning to come by and say good-bye to the girls anyway.

Good-bye?

Uh, yeah.

I got into design school in San Francisco.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

That's so cool.

Thanks.

Look at this jacket.

Where do you find all these great clothes?

Uh, I don't know. Like, different places.

Could I ask you a huge favor?

Sure.

(doorbell rings)

Hey there.

Hey.

You're early.

I figured I'd come a little early, you know. Lend a hand for the party tonight.

Oh.

That's great.

Yeah.

Um, I just, I don't think the balloons are such a good idea.

What?

Come on, they're festive.

A lot of people are afraid of balloons.

Balloons and plungers. Right?

I don't know anybody afraid of balloons or plungers.

We should have dance battles.

Can you arrange one of those?

With real street dancers. From the streets.

No. I can't.

Sorry. Is there something else I could do?

Maybe just, you know, to help... I'd love to be involved in some kind of way...

Actually, you could take those boxes to my husband's office.

That'd be great.

sh*t.

Jay?

Yeah?

Oh. Hey.

Put it right there.

Okay.

You didn't tell my assistant I'm separated, did you?

Uh, no.

I didn't say anything.

I don't know anything.

You sure?

Yeah, pretty sure.

People talk.

(sighs)

Hey, guys.

You a history buff?

I guess.

General William Tecumseh Sherman.

Wow. Yeah.

The Civil w*r.

Right. Got it.

They're all hand-painted.

It's the only reason my marriage lasted as long as it did.

Helped me tune out the insanity.

It's like owning a time machine.

I'm there, but I'm not.

Scotch?

Oh.

You know what, I... I probably shouldn't.

She suddenly started looking at everything, like, under a microscope.

"You never do this. You never do that. I never loved you." It's like suddenly I was under review.

Hmm.

That's what it is.

They turn 40, and you're under review.

You either get tenure, or you end up sleeping in your office.

Huh.

Yeah. Yeah, with Lina it's like, she used to think I was really funny.

You know? I used to, like, cr*ck her up, like, all the time.

You are funny.

Thanks.

Yeah. I mean, there's all these cute girls where I work, and I cr*ck them up all the time.

And then I will come home and say the same thing to Lina, and she just rolls her eyes.

She's heard your best material.

I guess I got to work on some new sh*t.

Yeah.

Lina: Hey, is this something that someone would wear to a 40th birthday party?

Uh... I don't know.

I've never been to one.

You're lucky.

Oh, my God, this party I went to last night was insane.

(laughs)

Everybody ended up in the pool.

I think I might have been first.

(laughs) No wonder the girls love you so much.

You're fun.

Aw, I love them.

Hmm. They think I'm a loser.

Well, you're their mom. (chuckles)

Ooh, this is a cute one-piece.

Oh, God.

Can you imagine if I wore something stupid like that to the party?

I wear stuff like that all the time.

Well, I don't mean you're stupid.

I just mean it would be stupid for me, a mom-- a 40-year-old mom-- you know, to wear that.

Be...

I don't think so. (chuckles)

I wish I was going to design school in San Francisco.

You're gonna have so much fun.

Probably fall in love with a biracial architect.

Have a vegan baby.

You'll see.

Yeah, these are...

Ow.

You okay?

Yeah, it's just my neck.

What happened?

The doctor said that it was just totally normal for someone my...

(whispers): Sex.

It was from sex.

She said it was called aftershocks.

You know, 'cause of the sex.

Yeah, I think that happened to my mom once.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm babysitting.

For you?

(clears throat)

Hey.

Hmm?

Happy birthday.

Oh... Sister Act.

The first movie we ever saw together.

Nope. Eddie.

That's the first movie we ever saw together.

Eddie? What is Eddie?

The one where Whoopi's a basketball coach, not a nun.

So when did we see Sister Act?

Uh, before we met each other?

Oh, sh*t.

I really am blowing this.

Um, I forgot to tell you that we're using a new sitter tonight.

Why? What happened to, um, Jordan?

Oh, Jordan's just coming to my party.

She's fun.

She jumps in pools.

(scoffs)

Yeah, of course she jumps into pools.

She's, like, 20.

Age is just a number.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Jay thinks I'm under review. Is that true?

Is our relationship under review?

What?

When did you talk to Jay?

I don't know. Stacy had me bring him some boxes for the party.

Why are you getting involved with the party?

Because I'm the husband.

Remember my 30th?

Forget your 30th.

Okay? Your 40th is going to rock.

Hmm.

(doorbell rings)

Sorry, guys, can you just give me a few minutes?

Is everything okay?

Party's off!

You know what?

I'm the one that's gonna say if the party's off!

(Jay and Stacy continue to argue)

Forget about your 40th.

50th, now that's gonna rock.

Jay: We're not having any kind of party tonight!

Stacy: No, this is my house...

Stacy: Well, he already ruined it.

Just like he ruins everything!

There's got to be a way to figure this out, right?

Yeah, I'm excited about my party.

I'm really sorry. He's on the spectrum.

No, I have no official diagnosis.

That's just the menopause talking.

I'm as dry as you make me.

You know what?

I think we're all as dry as we make each other.

Lina (whispering): Why did you have to tell him about the party?

I didn't know it was a secret.

There was scotch.

This is my 30th all over again.

It's fine, okay? It's fine.

No, it's not! You have to fix it. I got it.

I got it. Jay? Jay?

What is going on here?

This is my house!

I understand that, okay, but this is super important to Lina.

Remember?

I'm under review? Tenure?

We talked about that.

I-I... yup.

And I'm not going anywhere until she gives me Stonewall Jackson.

I don't have your stupid toy!

What-what toy?

He collects miniatures.

I hand-paint them.

The detail is exquisite.

Thank you.

I will say that.

They're beautifully made.

Spectrum!

Menopause.

Don't you think that any man that paints little tiny army men is on the autism spectrum?

Don't you think that any woman who hides exquisitely crafted figurines is on the menopause spectrum?

Russ: Okay, well, how about tonight we're all on the same spectrum, right? We're on, like, the party spectrum.

Yeah! We're in the zone, we're having fun.

Party spectrum. We got people having a good time.

We have...

(Lina gasps)

I didn't take your r*cist toy!

Okay, will you testify to that under oath, hand to the Bible?

(blows raspberry)

Didn't think so.

See? She's...

Ugh! I have to take a pill.

Please, you already took one.

I'm gonna have more!

Oh, um... I'm really sorry about the party.

No, no, no. Stacy, wait!

Oh, it's no use!

She's already gone, leave her. Come here, Banjo!

Just forget her.

(Banjo barks)

(gasps)

Banjo, good boy.

I'm gonna take him for a walk.

She probably fed him Stonewall.

I bet that's what happened to Genghis Khan. Come on.

Stacy: I didn't touch Genghis Khan!

Jay: Yeah, this time I'm gonna have evidence.

Oh, go get your hands real dirty in there.

Spectrum!

Menopause!

(yells)

(door slams)

Well... guess I'll just call Jordan and tell her the party's off.

No.

It was stupid to invite her anyway.

No, no. We can still pull this off, okay?

No.

Parties are stupid. We don't have to advertise our happiness; we're happy enough.

We are not happy enough.

We are definitely not.

We need more happiness, okay?

So here's the deal.

I will handle Jay and get him out of here, and you clean up Stacy.

It's over, Russ.

It's never over, okay?

We can still do this. Come on.

Come on.

Stacy?

Come on, buddy, you can do it, you can do it.

Look, man, I get it.

Like, I know this is your house, okay?

And you're having issues with your lady, but...

I could really use a win tonight, you know?

So... if there's any way you could...

I don't know, maybe just, like, take off for a bit or whatever, like, that would be really cool.

No, I'm not going anywhere until Banjo does his business.

Fine.

How long does that take?

Stacy sings to him every time she walks him.

So that's the only way he'll go now.

She sings to him?

♪ Banjo... ♪

Jesus.

♪ Banjo, time to go, Banjo. ♪

Are you sure that that's a good idea? 'Cause, um...

Oh, it's not as many as it seems.

Over time, you build up an immunity.

Both: ♪ Banjo, Banjo ♪
♪ Time to go, Banjo. ♪

Stacy? What are you doing?

Are you okay?

How come I never wear this?

(humming)

(cell phone ringing)

Russ: Hey, how's it going?

Things are not good here.

Um... oh, okay!

Hey, good news!

They found the general!

(doorbell rings)

(gasps) That must be your friends.

Huh. I guess we're early.

Yeah. Where is everybody?

Hey, did they, uh, tell you to bring the cake?

They didn't have to. It's a backup cake.

Hello?

It's a backup cake?

Just in case I don't get any of the main cake.

I'm not dating or partying. Cake is all I have left.

Oh.

Stacy: Hello!

Aj: Hi.

Did the Evite say to wear ski attire?

Hi, hi, hi, guys!

Say something...

Aj: Oh, there she is!

The birthday girl and, uh...

This is Stacy. This is my friend.

She's the hostess. (gasps)

(door opens)

Lina, Lina, I'm-I'm very excited, but, uh, but confused.

Stacy: Come on in...

Yeah.

...to my extravagant home.

Okay, why don't you guys just, uh, head into the... the kitchen? Right in through...

The bedroom.

No. In through here. Kitchen.

(indistinct chatter)

Is she gonna be all right?

Who knows?

What kind of pills were they exactly?

Oh, they were white ones.

Maybe they were orange ones.

(gasps)

Maybe it was candy corn.

Who does this?!

Lina: Oh, my God.

No respect for our country's history.

Is that... dog sh*t?

His name is Jay.

You should be tried for treason.

You should be tried for animal... husbandry.

Okay, guys, the party. Let's...

Why do you care? You weren't even on the Evite.

He should've thrown the party himself.

Well, maybe he would've thrown the party if she laughed at his jokes once in a while.

This guy is hilarious.

Hey, I laugh at your jokes, right?

You say, "That's funny." It's just... it's not really the same thing, you know?

Jordan: Lina?

Jordan!

Oh. (chuckles)

Jordan?

Who's Jordan?

Who isn't Jordan?

The babysitter that Lina's obsessed with.

Hey!

Hey, girl!

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Let me get you a drink. We have, um... Oh...

You know what? Just take mine.

(chuckles) Gosh, um...

I wish I could, but, uh, I actually can't stay.

Oh, no.

I-I know. I had this other thing.

But I really just wanted to stop by, 'cause, like, wow!

You know, you're 40!

I know.

It's so weird.

(laughs)

So, um...

I'll-I'll talk to you soon?

Yeah.

Totally.

H-Happy birthday.

Thanks.

It's great.

Bye.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey.

There you are.

What's going on?

We should go.

Why?

All our friends are old and ugly.

So are we.

No, this is, like, a... this is a cool party.

Is it?

Yeah.

I mean, it's okay.

It's about to get better.

(whoops)

(laughing)

(laughs)

See? I can still make you laugh.

How's the water?

It's freezing.

It's so cold.

Oh, my God, it's terrible.

Oh, my God!

It's an awesome party now!

(gasps)

(crowd cheering)

Russ: Yeah!

It's so freezing!

I know, right?

(laughing)

Russ: Not a bad party, right?

It was better than my 30th.

Mm-hmm.

I like to keep the bar low.

That's your move.

(laughs) I know.

Oh, hey, this is from AJ.

Oh, that's sweet.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand.

Me neither.