01x07 - Mo's Ma

[bunniefuu]

What the hell is this?

An angry black woman.

I was talking to your meter maid husband.

You were parked illegally. You broke the law.

Okay.

[Clears throat]

Am I finished?

Oh, you're about to be.

You knew that was my scooter.

Friends don't give friends tickets.

And friends don't ask friends to not do their job.

Joy, back me up.

Tell Tommy he's wrong.

Uh, no. I'd rather not get involved.

It feels racially charged.

Tommy, just rip the ticket up.

We'll pretend this never happened.

Too late. It's in the system.

Once you write a ticket, it cannot be undone.

Here you go, Charmaine.

Oh.

What is that?

It's $40 for the ticket.

I am not getting in the middle of a fight Between my work wife and my home wife.

Buzzy, that's like me paying for Charmaine’s ticket.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Give me the damn thing.

Give him back the money.

I thought you said once something was in the system, It cannot be undone.

Oh, that's that meter maid bullshit.

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ Something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ Whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ Just getting started ♪

Hey, there. What are you doing?

Playing "candy crush."

Oh, that's a good use of your time.

Someone's got to crush the candy.

What you got there?

Oh, pomegranate... the thinking man's apple.

You ever had one?

We've shared one before.

We have?

Yeah, it was 10th grade, and we were taking the bus.

You asked me if I wanted some, and I asked you what it was.

And you said, "it's a pomegranate, the thinking man's apple."

I really said the thing about pomegranate before?

Yep.

Um... You were on your way to practice, And I was on my way to choir.

Oh, you were trying to grow a mustache, And I was working a side pony.

Oh, yeah.

That was a really bad week for both of us.

So, um, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, uh... I have plans.

I made plans.

I have a plan that I planned out.

Mm-hmm.

You don't happen to have any plans, do you?

[Chuckles]

[Cellphone buzzes]

Hey, there.

Suggest.

Too early.

Oh, too late.

[Clears throat] The 8:50?

Uh-huh.

Sounds good.

Me, too. Okay, bye-bye.

Ugh.

Wrong number.

Oh, really? Yeah, it wasn't that girl Lucy, Who you're going out with tonight?

Because that's what your caller I.D. said, Peter Pomegranate.

♪

Okay, you're all set.

Um, you haven't cut my hair yet.

Oh, right. Sorry, I'll start right now.

Okay, you're all set.

Mo, what the hell are you doing? Huh?

I've been watching you over here.

You're in some sort of loop.

I'm so sorry about that, sir.

Buzz, can you help this nice customer out, please?

[Snorts] Sure.

That better not be what I think it is.

If you don't think it's weed, then it isn't.

Hey, hey, what's going on with you?

Ben, you're not gonna believe this.

What?

My folks are getting a divorce.

What? No!

Not Dottie and Jasper... they were like parents to me.

They were like parents to me, too.

You remember when they used to bathe us together?

Not so loud, not so loud.

So, what happened?

I don't know.

When Ma told me on the phone, I got so upset, I fainted.

Wait, you fainted?

I-I was really upset.

Still, who faints?

Ben, I don't know who I am anymore.

I thought I was the son of Dottie and Jasper Mccracken, The perfect couple.

I mean, sure, they fought, but they always made up.

But now, they...

They...

No, Mo! No, no!

Don't you dare faint, all right?

You're a man, god damn it.You hear me?

Yes. Sorry.

Come here, sit down. Okay.

Sit down. Yeah, yeah.

Take a breather, all right?

Yeah, you're right.

I just got to sit down for a second and collect my...

My best friend, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, just so we're clear, You don't have to lie to this guy.

Huh. Huh.

If you're dating someone, we're cool.

Oh, we are?

Dude, if you want to go out with this Lucy tonight, I'm fine with it.

Okay, if you're fine with it, Why do you have to tell me you're find with it, dude?

Because those are the words that you use to convey that you're fine with something.

Ah.

Why? Do you not want to go out with Lucy?

Do you not want me to go out with Lucy?

Of course I want you to go.

Why "of course"?

I don't know, A.J.

Because if you two ever become a thing, You get to say "I love Lucy!" how fun is that?!

I feel so bad for that Mo.

Tommy's got a thick skin.

I'm sure he's not mad at you anymore.

Not h*m*, mo Mo.

Our Mo. You know, about his parents getting divorced.

Oh, I didn't hear that. Is that happening?

Yeah, his mother just decided to suddenly end the marriage.

Poor Mo has no idea why.

I'm here to see Mo Mccracken.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I'm his mother, Dottie.

I have an idea why.

Hi. Uh, excuse me.

Hi, we're closed for lunch. We'll be open in an hour.

Oh, I am just looking for A.J.

Are you Lucy?

I am.

Hi!

Hi!

Wow. You're so pretty.

Oh, thank you. So are you.

[Chuckles]

Isn't it funny how girls have to do that to show each other they're friendly?

I know, it's so lame.

I love your outfit.

I really love your outfit.

Oh. [chuckles]

Okay, well, A.J.'s upstairs on the roof.

Oh, thanks.

Great hair, by the way.

Really? I'm kind of sick of it.

I've been thinking about cutting it, But I don't want to look like an elf.

Or Jenna Elfman.

She's really pretty, though.

Oh, my god... so pretty.

Well, you've got a great face for a short haircut.

I could do it for you if you want.

No. I mean, it would be... really?

Only if you want me to.

You don't mind?

Oh, please.

I spend my days giving buzz cuts to fat guys in Patriot jerseys, And fat guys in Celtic jerseys.

And fat guys in Red Sox jerseys, and... you get what I'm saying.

I would love to cut you... in the hair.

You know what? Let's do it.

Okay. Yeah.

Say, Benjamin, when were you gonna tell us about Mo's mom?

What, about the divorce?

I didn't know until he told me this morning.

Not about the divorce, About the fact that his mama is Brienne from "Game of thrones."

Who's Brienne?

She's the giant lady-man who had a fistfight with a bear.

And won.

All right, so Dottie's tall and strong, so what?

Ben, she's...

"well, she's... she's"... What, say it?

Buzzy? A.J.?

Charmaine?

She a crazy bull-d*ke.

Was that what you were gonna say?

Well, I was gonna say "gay," but Charmaine has a more colorful way of saying things.

Dottie gay? I... come on.

I mean, why would you say that? Did she say something?

A.J.: Yeah, she did.

She said [deep voice] "hi, I'm Dottie."

All right, all right.

Listen, okay... if Dottie was gay, I would know, all right?

I just spent half my childhood at Mo's house.

She did regular family stuff with us, you know?

Watched a lot of NASCAR, she taught me how to weld.

I learned how to drive in her Subaru.

Oh, my god!

Well, you know the old saying.

If we can't be out, "lez" be in. [lesbian]

What do you think?

Oh, my god! It's so short.

I love it!

Do I love it?

I think you love it. I love it.

Yeah, I totally love it. Unless I hate it.

Do I hate it?

No, you love it.

You're right. I love it.

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to surprise A.J. with it tonight at the movies.

Don't even tell him I was here.

You look really cute, Lucy.

Aww.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! It's on me.

You are so nice. My friends are gonna freak.

[As Ricky Ricardo] jou're gonna have some esplaining to do, Lucy.

I know this isn't gonna be easy for you.

But Daddy and I are always gonna be your parents, Even if we're not married.

Does Mandy know?

If, god willing, your sister ever wakes up, we'll tell her.

"When," ma... not "if."

You're right, Mo.

When she wakes up, we'll tell her.

Although I'm not looking forward to her blinking her disappointment at me.

Ma, none of this makes sense.

I mean, after 30 years of a happy marriage, You're really leaving Dad because he sold your circular saw?

Yeah.

That's it?

That's it.

And I had an affair.

What? You what?! With... with who?!

I'm not ready to discuss it with you yet.

Is it someone I know?

Mo, please, no more questions.

All right, Ma. No more questions.

In fact, that'll be easy, because I'm not talking to you anymore!

Mo.

Mo!

[Sighs]

[Cooing]

What are you looking at?!

[Squawks]

♪

Hey. When were you gonna tell me that you transformed the hot girl I was going out with into a Korean soldier?

What are you talking about?

You cut Lucy’s hair off.

She asked me to.

You don't like it? I thought it was a totally cute haircut.

You know I hate short hair on girls.

How would I know that?

I'm sure we've talked about it.

When?

I don't know.

Around the time that I introduced you to pomegranates.

Isn't that the thinking man's apple?

Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap!

I think you sabotaged me Because you don't want me to go out with someone else.

I sabotaged you?

Mm-hmm.

You sabotaged yourself.

Maybe you didn't want to go out with someone else.

Oh, yeah. 'cause I'm so hung up on you that I sabotaged myself.

Why would I possibly do that?

I don't know, A.J. Why would you?

I wouldn't.

If I wanted to go out with you, I would ask you out.

I would be like, "you want to go see a movie tonight?"

And I'd be like, "sure, that sounds great."

Yeah. And then I would go, "you want go get drinks before?"

And I'd be like, "no, because then I'd have to pee during the movie."

Yeah. That's exactly how it would go.

So, what, so then drinks after?

Yeah, sounds great.

Okay.

Hey. How you doing, buddy?

[Sighs] Not so great.

I'm just gonna throw myself into my work and try not to think about the fact that my parents are getting a divorce.

Geez. Even saying the word, I'm getting a little lightheaded and...

No... okay, okay, hey, hey.

Hey, then don't say it, all right?

And, for god's sake, please don't faint.

I won't.

It should be fine as long as I don't think about it.

All right.

Okay, who's next?

How you doing there? I'm Mo.

[Eastern European accent] Hello, Mo, I am Vlad.

Vlad, how you doing?

Tough year for the Celtics, eh, Vlad?

Oh, de vorst. [divorced]

What'd you say?

I said de vorst!

Yeah, well, you know, hopefully, next year, the Celtics will, uh...

Joy, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, no. There's no shame in fainting.

Have you ever fainted?

No.

Do you know anyone who's ever fainted?

Oh, of course.

Do you know any guy who's ever fainted?

No.

Now would be a great time to tell your B.F.F. about his mom.

I don't know. Don't you think Dottie should be the one to tell him she's gay?

Eh, it could be a long time before she's ready.

You have no idea how difficult and painful it was for me to come out to my family.

You said your mama baked you a pie.

I'm trying to get him to do something that you and I will enjoy watching.

Work with me.

All right, I can do this. I can do this.

Any last bits of advice?

Yeah, well, be gentle.

But be direct.

Be sensitive.

But be somewhere we can see you.

All right, all right.

Find your light and cheat out toward your audience.

Okay, all right.

[Clears throat]

Mo? Yeah, buddy?

I just want to talk to Joy for one second. Oh.

Yeah, what's up?

How much to get you to tell Mo that his mama is lesbianic?

Bionic? What? I can't understand you.

How much to get you to tell Mo that his mom is a muff diver?

His mom's Maria Shriver?

No, she's not Maria Shriver.

Come here, come here!

How much would it cost me to get you to tell Mo about his ma?

Oh, no, Ben, I could never...

Name your price.

$100.

$50.

You said name my price. I want $100.

Ugh, you're an assh*le, Joy. Move!

Oh!

[Clears throat] Hey, Mo.

How you... how you doing, buddy?

I'll be fine. I don't mean to be a distraction.

Hey, you're not a distraction, all right?

We all love you and care about you.

Aw, Ben.

No, no, don't cry.

It will make me sick.

Listen, uh...

Mo, I think I might have some insight as to why your folks are getting a divorce.

Really?

Yeah.

You want to sit down? Why don't we sit down, huh?

Okay, come here.

[Clears throat] All right.

Um... Look, remember when we were kids and your Ma used to rip phone books in half to make us laugh?

Uh-huh. That was fun.

Remember her neck would strain so much, she would have to loosen her bolo tie?

[laughs]

[Both laugh]

Remember every Halloween, we'd go trick-or-treating with your ma, and she would always dress up as Ellen degeneres?

You know... sitcom Ellen, "talk show host" Ellen, "crying because they wouldn't let her adopt a dog" Ellen?

But she wasn't Ellen every year.

One year, she went as Rosie o'donnell from "the view."

Yes, okay.

Uh, one year, she went as Rosie O'donnell from "a league of their own."

Right, okay, okay.

One yea...

Okay, okay... do you see a pattern here?

Ellen, Rosie, Effortlessly ripping phone books in half?

Do you see what I'm trying to get at, buddy?

Yes.

Yes.

Dottie Mccracken is one strong, funny lady.

No, no, Mo. Um [sighs]

Look, what I'm trying to tell you is...

And I'm just gonna say it, okay?

Mo?

Thank god I don't have to say it.

Ma, what are you doing here?

We need to talk.

Ooh, girl, put down your candy bar.

The show is about to start!

So... Talk.

Well, can we go somewhere a little more private?

Anything you've got to say to me, You can say in front of them, too.

Why?

Because I don't feel safe with you no more, ma!

Fine. Fine!

I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, Mo, and it's gonna be shocking.

The real reason your father and I are splitting up, It's not because I had an affair, but because of who I had an affair with.

Who was it?

A waitress.

Mm, I'm going with policewoman.

With... Oh, it's gonna break your heart, Mo.

Just say it.

Cleaning lady.

Gynecologist.

Larry Bird.

What?! What?! What?! What?!

What?

A different Larry Bird?

Nope. I didn't want to do it, Mo.

Then why did you?

Why did you sleep with Larry Bird, Ma?!

S-so that I could feel more like a woman again.

You know, five years ago, your father had an affair with a professional athlete also... yeah.

And we talked about it, and I thought I could let it go, but it just ate at me!

That was not what I thought was eating at her.

Then I realized that the only way I could purge this feeling was if I had an affair with an athlete, too.

So I did. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

I'd be proud of it. That's Larry freakin' Bird!

Can you ever forgive me?

I don't know. I don't know how I feel.

I have so many questions.

I mean, am I still a Celtics fan?

Should I change my allegiance to the western conference?

Those are his questions?

I'm just so confused.

Stop what you're doing! I have something I need to say!

Jasper?

Dad?

Now I'm confused, too.

Dottie, if you think I'm just gonna say good-bye to 30 years of a fabulous marriage without so much as a fight, you've got another think coming.

Doesn't he mean another "thing" coming?

It's "think," and I looked it up, hon.

You hurt me, Dottie, when you slept with Larry Bird.

Just like I hurt you when I slept with Mary Lou Retton.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Well, he certainly has a type.

But two stupid mistakes are no reason to end a marriage that produced this wonderful son and our beautiful Mandy.

Ugh, I think of her in the hospital, asleep in that horrible backless gown they make her wear, it just breaks my heart.

We hurt each other, Dottie, yes. We have the power to do that.

But we also have the power to forgive each other.

And I'm ready to, if you are.

Oh, Jasper.

Oh, Dottie.

Aww! Ma, Pa!

Aah!

[laughter]

My baby!

[laughs]

I'm so happy for you guys.

Oh, Ben, I didn't even see you there!

Hey, what do you say we get an early dinner, huh?

And then, Mo, I think your father and I are gonna need a little alone time, hmm?

Ma, gross!

I can't even picture you guys doing that.

He is not the only one.

Hey, Mo, what are you thinking about?

Just how weird it all is.

What, about your parents having affairs?

Not the affairs so much, it's just that, I don't know.

I always thought that Dottie and Jasper have seemed gay.

Did anyone else get that?

[All mutter "no"]

Charmaine: Never crossed my mind, unh-unh.

Yeah, maybe it's just me.

Hey, we better get going soon if we're gonna make the movie.

Are you sure we never had a conversation about girls with short hair?

Um, let me think about it.

You want some?

What is it?

Pomegranate... the thinking man's apple.

[Chuckles]

Should I cut my hair like that?

Oh, definitely not. I hate short hair on girls.

Reminds me of my aunt Gabby.

She always hugs me too long.

Besides, I like your hair how it is.

Then I'll always keep it this long.

Cool.

[Both chuckle]

No, no. I don't remember you saying you don't like short hair.