03x12 - Cold Turkey

[bunniefuu]

So, which color do you like better for the logo?

This one's satin nickel, and this one's pewter.

What's... Uh, satin nickel's fine.

So, you loving the shirt?

No, it's too tight.

Excellent.

See, the only problem with satin nickel is that [grunts] it might strobe on TV.

All right, so you want me to pick the other one?

No. I want you to be happy with your choice.

We can make anything work.

Okay, fine. Then, uh, satin nickel.

What... what's the point of even taking measurements if the... if the stuff's gonna be too tight?

Well, when we took the measurements, you were a-a smaller... size.

sh*t! I knew I was getting fat.

I'm gonna look like a whale!

Whales don't have cute mustaches.

Ah.

Walruses do.

Sorry.

Why? Why?

sh*t.

I need more nicotine lozenges.

I just gave you that tube this morning. Aren't you full?

Just get me more, Kyle, please.

Fear not. I keep an emergency stash in my bag.

See, Marc, I just think the satin nickel's gonna be problematic.

All right, so do you want me to pick the other one?

No.

Unless you love it.

I love it.

All right, then. He loves the pewter.

Whatever you're doing's not helping, all right?

I'm a disgusting, fat pig. I get it.

You're, like, amplifying it with each tug.

[Indian accent] Gunga Din to the rescue.

Master, I have brought a mini lozenge.

I don't know what just happened. It was horrendous.

Take it easy. It doesn't work that fast.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

So, Colt. Colt Cabana.

One of the most popular wrestlers in the country, perhaps in the world!

I feel like I'm announcing you.

How is it that you are not part of the evil empire that is the WWE?

Well, I mean, first, I think you need an act that's, uh, original and unique.

That way, the WWE doesn't even want a piece of you.

They won't touch you.

No, that's kind of how they work.

Yeah.

But, uh, I don't know, for me, it's barnstorming, man, you know, pounding the pavement, hitting the VFW halls, burlesque shows.

For the last five years, I've wrestled at the gathering of the Juggalos.

And somehow or another, you can cobble together a living from doing all that?

Well, I'm a good draw, and it's because of my podcast, which was inspired by your podcast.

Uh-huh.

And it's like I owe you so much, man.

It's like you finally have done it for guys like us... like, D.I.Y... warriors.

Uh-huh.

And you're not even listening to what I'm saying.

I'm pouring my heart out to you here, Marc.

No, no, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

I-I-I just need to get one of those in my mouth so I can take the edge off, dude.

I'm sorry. I'm crazy right now.

I got a pilot I got to do, and I'm at the end of my rope, and it's just showbiz sh*t, and I'm not being fair to you.

I-I'm sorry. I'm all right.

Well, I mean, you're poisoning yourself.

I mean, look at all this... the caffeine and the nicotine.

It's like... I've sliced my head with razor blades [chuckling] that are healthier than that.

Wait... you guys really do that?

[chuckles]

No.

U... Yeah, okay, yeah, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I-I am. I know I got to get off this stuff.

It's k*lling me. Too much caffeine, too much nicotine.

I need to get in shape. I'm like... I'm just nuts, man.

I'll train you.

Eh, I don't know.

You don't think I can train you just 'cause I'm a little bit heavy?

'Cause I'm a heavyweight?

It's beef, Marc. I'm beefy. I'm all beef.

I-I don't know. My mother wouldn't call it beef.

She would say you're fat.

Sorry. It's my mom, not me.

I don't even think I can train you, actually.

I'm, uh, I'm actually on the road this week as it is.

Okay. All right.

But, you know, Punk's around, and he's... he's training for MMA now, so, uh...

CM Punk, huh?

Oh, there's... is there something there?

No, no, man. I mean, like, uh... h-how is he? Is he okay?

[chuckling] "Is he okay"?

Yeah, I mean, this is a guy that was at the top of his profession in fake fighting and decides to quit to become a real fighter.

Just seems a little weird.

Um...

Weirder than weird.

It's like the plot to "Three Amigos."

I don't think it's weird at all.

And he did what he had to do so he could be happy.

I think you could appreciate that, if anyone.

No, that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I-I personally think Punk snapped.

Yeah... snapped.

I...

No?

No.

All right, what'd you want to show me, Colt?

Oh, Marc.

Yeah?

Thanks, man.

Sure.

Thanks for having me in the garage, on the podcast.

So hospitable, man. I owe you.

No.

I owe you.

No, no, you don't.

No, I do. And I'm gonna repay you.

And I'm... I'm gonna do it right now, actually.

What?

[computer ringing]

Punker!

Oh, sh*t.

[laughs]

Hey.

Hey, man, I'm with Maron. We just did the podcast.

Hey, Cabana. Marc, good to see you again.

Yeah, good to see you. How you doing?

Never better... ever since I threw off the shackles of wrestling sl*very.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Marc needs you to train him.

No.

No, no, he... he looks like sh*t.

[laughs]

He's totally stressed out, and he's been popping these things like crazy, man.

Dude, Marc, I would love to train you. We'd have so much fun.

I don't know, man. I got a pretty good handle on it.

Yeah, yeah... love handle.

Why do you... Why... Why?

I hurt to heal, Marc.

Oh, God.

Listen, you goofballs, I got to get going, but, Marc, trust me when I tell you... best shape of your life physically and mentally, I promise.

Okay, man. I-I appreciate the offer.

I'll let you know, Punk.

Great. See you later.

What's happening, Kyle?

Check it out.

I'm wearing my hero's T-shirt!

[groans]

For his... podcast appearance today.

He came yesterday, man.

Yesterday?

Yeah, I had to reschedule it.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I've just been frazzled, dude.

Okay.

I will... one day recover from that.

Oh, hey, I got you this and 11 more boxes of nicotine lozenges at Costco, so should last you a couple hours.

Yeah, I don't need them.

Getting off them. That and coffee... done.

What?

Yeah. Going cold turkey.

Gonna get off caffeine, gonna get off nicotine, gonna start exercising.

Look at that. I got all this stuff.

Look, I got running shoes. I got running gear.

I got a heart monitor for running.

I got a running hat.

A running hat?

Guy said it was a running hat.

Looks like a baseball hat.

It's a running hat.

Okay.

I don't know, Marc. Going cold turkey seems crazy.

You're about to sh**t a pilot.

Is this really the best time to make these drastic changes?

I've quit alcohol. I've quit cocaine.

I know what I'm doing, okay?

What have you given up lately, besides grooming?

I have product in my hair.

Wait, so, then, what's with all the junk food?

I'm going out with a bang, man.

I'm gonna make one last glorious, heart-clogging meal.

Not exactly how Richard Simmons would do it.

But since we are on the subject of change, I was wondering if you could make me an associate producer on your pilot, please.

Do you even know what an associate producer does?

Yeah, it's basically what I've been doing for the last two years... you know, help with the show, do research.

Yeah, you don't really... do that.

I do.

...ish.

Not really.

Okay, but it's just office work, and it would be a great credit for me.

And I think I've earned it.

Oh, you do, huh?

Yeah.

All right, well...

I'll talk to the producer.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

All right, no bowing! Nothing happens if you bow.

Let's bring it up. Bring it up. Bring it up.

I feel like I'm with Belushi at the Chateau Marmont.

I'm tweeting this, man.

I got to say, if you're trying to get into shape, don't think this is the right move.

Okay, you can leave now.

Good.

I'm not gonna watch you do this to yourself.

You know, this is exactly why I walked out of "Gilbert Grape."

Okay. Goodbye.

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[exhales deeply]

Hey, Punk.

Hey.

Thanks for helping me out, man. I really appreciate it.

Don't mention it. Anything for you.

Besides, you know, I'm training for MMA every day, so it works out.

MMA, man. Now you really got to work your ass off, right?

You know, it's not all that different from training for wrestling.

Oh, I can think of a pretty big difference.

I mean, wrestling's fake.

Okay, are we gonna have a problem?

'Cause I'm sensing a little bit of attitude right off the bat.

No, no, man. I-I was just talking.

Okay, I-I know. I get it.

Okay, listen, all right, we're gonna focus on you now, okay?

I'm gonna push you harder than you've ever been pushed in your entire life, all right?

Yeah.

Okay. We're gonna start off with something simple.

Just do some dumbbell m*llitary press into negative hammer curls.

All right. Sounds perfect.

[grunts]

Yeah!

[chuckles]

What?

Come on. 15s?

Are you gonna take this seriously, or are you just toning your arms to fit into a dress for your PTA fundraiser?

All right, you know, Punk, if you want me to lift something heavier, just say, "Lift something heavier."

All right. Calm down.

I'm all right.

I want you to lift something heavier.

All right, how about these?

How about something heavier?

Fine.

Ohh, God.

Okay, we'll start there. We'll work up.

All right.

All right.

Aren't push-ups a little low-tech?

Not if you do them right. It works out your entire body. Besides, you never know when somebody's gonna fake-punch you in the chest or fake-punch you in the stomach.

All right, all right. All right, I get it.

What are the ones called where you use your knees?

[sighs]

Girl push-ups.

I think I need some water.

I'm getting a withdrawal headache.

Push through it.

Oh, no.

[groans]

Push through it.

I'm taking control of my life. You can take control of yours.

Take control!

All right! I'm taking!

I'm taking!

[groans]

You know, it's okay if you throw up.

Yeah?

Yeah.

On... on you?

No.

Throw up that way.

Hey, you know what... you're going through some withdrawal, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, no caffeine?

Yeah.

No nicotine?

Right.

Okay, so use it.

Okay.

Give me a good one-two.

Okay.

I said "good." Give me a good one-two.

All right! All right! All right!

So get angry!

All right!

Aah! God!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

g*dd*mn sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

Unh!

Okay, we'll work on everything else, but...

What?

...it was a good... good effort.

Okay.

I wonder if you have toxoplasmosis, though.

Toxoplasmosis?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you live with like six dozen cats.

It's in their sh*t, it's supposed to be really awful for pregnant women, which would explain a lot about what's going on with you.

Oh, would it?

Yeah.

Hey, come on. Hey, what...

Get angry, Marc! Get mad! Come on!

[grunting]

Oh, my God, folks.

Not feeling great.

About four days off the caffeine and the nicotine.

No coffee. No nicotine lozenges.

And my cells... every cell in my body is wondering what the hell is going on.

My cells are like, [gravelly voice] "Hey, man, what's happening? Give us some juice. Come on. Give us some juice. What are you doing?"

[normal voice] That was the leader of my cells, who will speak through me occasionally.

I don't have complete control over that.

Though we do have a great show today...

[gravelly voice] Oh, you assh*le!

Don't screw with us! Come on! Just give us some!

If you don't... look, we're united on this.

Every cell in your body, including your brain, is willing to make you just a vessel.

We're just gonna aggravate you to the point where we're just gonna use you as a vessel to upset the people that love you.

[normal voice] Today on the show, Paul Thomas Anderson joins us...

[gravelly voice] A half. Can we just have a half?

[normal voice] Okay.

So, on the show, as I said before...

[whimpering] Come on, man.

Just give us a little taste.

[normal voice] Oh, this is sad now.

It's just sad.

Supplies!

Oh, God, I hope you're referring to that grocery bag and not indulging in the world's oldest Asian joke.

[Asian accent] Ah. So sorry.

Faithful companion bring dishonor to household.

Mm.

[normal voice] Toxoplasmosis?

Aw, shut up.

O-kay.

Well, here is something that will bring a smile to your face.

This article says your talk show "has the potential to be a watershed moment in the history of streaming television."

What?

I got two more copies... one for your mom and one for my mom.

sh*t. That was just some stupid pilot.

It was supposed to be under the radar.

Now there's gonna be all these expectations on it?

[groaning] Oh, my God.

I hate my body.

Whoa. Are you okay?

No, I'm sore as hell.

Okay, then I guess this isn't the perfect time to ask, but is there any update about me becoming an associate producer?

What?

You said you were gonna ask.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I asked.

Oh, great. So... any update?

Do you really think this is the right time to talk about this?

Do you know the pain I'm in?

I mean, Punk is screwing with me. The guy's a sadist.

Whoa, you're talking about the man who's all over my bedsheets, okay?

You get more odd every time something comes out of your mouth.

I think I'm done with this. I'm gonna call him.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you let me do that?

You?

Yeah, you're in a... not-so-good space with the detox, and this is what an associate producer does.

Let me show you I can do it.

Look.

So, I can... open your phone with the passcode, know how to access your contacts.

You should really merge some of these...

All right, all right. Just call.

Okay, okay. I'm doing it.

[clears throat]

Hello?

Ah. Uh, is this Mr. Punk?

[chuckles] Awesome.

[chuckles]

Y... uh, so, uh... this is... this is Kyle from Marc Maron's talk show, and I'm calling because we're going over the production schedule, and, regretfully, I'm not able to find the ti...

You're screwing with me, and I'm done with it!

Where's this coming from, Marc?

You were starting to make a little bit of progress.

No. This is bullshit.

I don't know why you're toying with me.

I don't know what your issue is.

Maybe you're mad because you screwed your life up!

Dude, I'm completely...

[grunts] ...at peace with where I'm at right now.

Yeah, because you snapped.

Vince McMahon was right to fire you on your wedding day.

[chuckles]

Okay, you're going through some serious withdrawal issues right now, Marc.

I'm gonna need you to calm down.

No! I'm not gonna calm down!

You calm down!

Happy? Marc, I was handling that.

Not very well!

I had to step in, pal!

Whoa. Where are you going?

Out!

Unh-unh. Not a good idea.

Marc, as an associate producer, part of my skill set is handling the talent, and right now I am not going to allow you...

Ow!

Those training sessions are working.

[grunts] There he is... the mighty C.M. Punk.

You think you're a bigger man than me?

You're not a bigger man than me, Punk.

Dude, this can wait, okay? I'm about to train.

Yeah, oh, that's right... for your precious MMA debut, where you finally stop pretending and start fighting like a real tough guy.

Yeah, o-okay, look, everybody, if you don't know, funnyman Marc Maron.

Let's give him a round of applause.

He just gave up nicotine.

What else? Caffeine.

And trust me, pal, the poison will be out of your system soon enough, okay?

Right now, you just need to calm down.

Yeah, yeah, don't give me your straight-edge bullshit.

I know who you are, Punk.

Oh, really? Tell me. Tell me who I am, Marc.

You're this guy making a big career change, and you're scared shitless because if you fail, the whole world's gonna be watching.

You can't hide it.

And everyone will know you're a failure, Punk.

Yeah, just like everybody here knows you're just going through withdrawal right now.

Let me get you a glass of water.

Oh, I get it now.

What? What do you get, Marc?

My assistant always wondered why you never headlined "Wrestlemania."

It's 'cause you didn't have the stuff, did you, Punk?

You don't have it now, either, do you?

You know what... you just crossed the line.

Oh, really? Spare me the drama-queen bullshit, all right?

This is for your own good.

When you wake up, [strained] Come on. you can feel like a new man.

Come on, I'm not... I'm not even tired.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep, Princess.

Ohh!

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

[grunts, chokes]

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

There you go.

[sighs] Hey.

Hey.

[groans]

Here's the hard part.

[grunts]

You've had a long day, buddy.

Hey.

Good morning, Marc.

That sit-down with Punk didn't go so well.

Yeah, he choked you out in his gym.

Yeah. How do you know that?

YouTube. It's got 40,000 hits. Probably a lot more to come.

Oh, sh*t.

Really?

Wow.

I guess I had it coming.

I mean, I-I was sort of a d*ck to him.

Anyone else you were a d*ck to, Marc?

Uh...

Me, Marc? You were a d*ck to me?

Well, yeah.

Wait. When?

I spoke with Terrence from your show.

According to him, you never even mentioned making me associate producer.

Oh, sh*t. Yeah, I got to do that, man.

You told me you already did, Marc.

I did?

You know what, Marc?

I don't think you ever had any intention of helping me get that job.

I think you were just hoping the whole thing would go away.

No.

That is so messed up, Marc!

I've been working my ass off for you for two years!

Oh, really? Your ass off?

Three hours a day? Your ass off?

Do you respect me, Marc?

Sure, man. I got respect for you.

You've got... your thing, and... I get it.

That's seriously the best you can say about me?

I've got my thing?

Well, give me some time.

Maybe I'll come up with something else, Kyle.

You know what... don't bother.

I think it's time for me to move on.

Oh, really? You're just gonna quit on me now?

I should.

I won't, because I'm not a d*ck, like you.

I get that you're under a lot of pressure right now, which is why I'm not bailing... because I'm a professional... but the minute the pilot wraps, you can find yourself a new whipping boy.

Oh, come on, man! I'm in withdrawal, all right?

Why can't you just cut me some slack?

Your chalupa's on the counter.

I thought we were friends, man!

sh*t.

[exhales sharply]

Oh! Ow!

Are... are you kidding me?

That didn't happen.

Ow!

sh*t!

Solid shirt with a tweed jacket.

[singsong voice] This is gonna look great.

Ow, ow, ow! Just... just slow. Just go slow.

Okay. Sorry. It still hurts?

Yeah, I can't... I can't move.

[groaning] Ohh, man.

Hey, Marc, this is Dr. Morris.

He's gonna take a look at you.

[sighs] Studio doctor, huh?

Couldn't get a job on a cruise ship?

What's the problem?

Hurt my back exercising, I'm in a lot of pain.

I could give you ibuprofen.

I took ibuprofen, all right?

This is serious. I can't move, man.

Well, look, I'm gonna write you a prescription for painkillers.

Oh, man!

Oxycontin?

I'm a recovering drug addict.

Ibuprofen it is.

Wait. I'm very recovered.

I'm in a lot of pain.

This is legitimate.

Be responsible. Take them only as prescribed.

Here's a sample.

I quit before these existed.

It's like a freebie, you know? [chuckles]

Responsible.

Right. Yeah. I got it.

What?

Take it easy. They don't work that quick.

[inhales sharply] Ohh.

Mm-hmm.