01x02 - Flesh for Fantasy

[bunniefuu]

Craig, this place is more packed than a Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Because little brother, I sent out hundreds of demos and invitations to talent scouts and A&R guys.

I'm getting us a damn record deal.

So you're telling me all these people are record executives?

I also sent out free drink coupons to everybody on our mailing list, so most of these people are freeloaders and alcoholics.

So, what, any A&R guys show up?

One.

The man.

The rock legend.

Neville Rex.

You got Neville Rex here?

That dude got his own brand of methadone.

Craig: Yes, sir.

And he owns his own label.

I'm gonna get him to sign the Nasty Delicious if it kills me.

Well, I hope you die.

Let's get this deal?

Let's do it.

This is a little song called Object of My Affection.

♪ Layin' in my bed at night ♪
♪ The candles lit ♪
♪ It feels so right ♪
♪ My eyes meet yours ♪
♪ In this perfect space ♪
♪ I'm totally aroused ♪
♪ By my own face ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ On my ceiling, baby ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ I give a little wave ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ I might misbehave ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ I think I need a shave ♪

You know, mirror, when I look at you, looking at me looking at you, I see someone who looks a lot like myself who is also left-handed.

♪ Mirror, mirror, on the ceiling ♪
♪ I see you, I get a happy feeling ♪
♪ Might be narcissism, I admit ♪
♪ 'Cause laying down I look really fit ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ On my ceiling, baby ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ I think I need a shave ♪

all: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I got a mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪

[cheers and applause]

Neville Rex, it's amazing to meet you.

I'm Craig Robinson... high school music teacher by day, funk master by night.

Kind of like if Bootsy Collins could give you detention.

A schoolteacher, eh?

Well, that explains this, then.

You sent the invites on high school stationary?

Had to, B.

Free postage.

I think it's great that you're helping shape the youth of America just like I do with my music.

My multi-platinum hit, Kiss Me, Spank Me, Love Me, inspired an entire generation.

Record deal.

What are you doing?

Subliminal messaging.

Uh, maybe we can help each other out.

I've got some court-ordered community service to do.

Evidently, your police frown upon public displays of affection between a man, a prost*tute, a little person, and a mime... who's also a prost*tute.

And a little person.

I want to be a rock star so bad.

Okay, so you need community service?

I have an idea.

Why don't you come speak to my music class?

Brilliant idea!

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, I don't know if I can pull it off tomorrow.

Oh, yes, you can.

Now, you'll... you'll make it happen.

Think of the children.

You know, they are from the future.

How high are you?

Fine, thanks. How are you?

So you're pretty high.

Okay.

I'll make it happen.

See you at school.

both: Record deal!

Jimmy, does this taste like beef?

I have only played this game once, Samir, and this is not a beach rest room.

How do you expect Samir to be the imitation beef king of India if you won't help him?

Please.

My taste buds have zero experience with slaughterhouse flavors.

And I'll never surpass my brother Vikram's success if I don't get this right.

Vikram Panj?

The Curry King of Mumbai? That's your brother?

He's global, man.

He's like the Indian Papa John's.

Okay, who's ready for our investment club meeting?

Victoria, I don't know why we have this meeting every month.

All the stocks you pick suck.

Thank you, Jimmy.

With that being said, the stock that we bought last semester is now worth a lot of money!

Oh! When I said "suck," I meant you rock.

So how much did we make?

Right now, our shares are worth $12,356 each.

Oh! Cash out.

Cash out.

Okay, if I learned anything from being a wealthy professional tennis player, it's spend your money while you have it, 'cause you're not gonna have it forever.

And that's why you'll end up living under the fryer of a burnt-out White Castle.

Look, the stock is still rising.

I think we should hold on to it.

I agree.

I'm gonna need a lot more than 12 grand if I want to be India's substitute beef king.

Come on, guys, all I'm gonna need is 10 grand to start M-T-A-F-I-C-K.

Ma-taffick?

No, Indian Solange... the Magnum Tennis Academy for Inner City Kids.

I remember when I was young I used to watch all the poor kids play.

I thought, "They suck."

I'd call them over and just pour Gatorade on the ground.

"Look what I can do."

I say we hold on to the stock.

I could use the extra money to put a bigger kitchen into the house I'm trying to flip.

Okay, well, majority rules. Sorry, Jimmy.

Oh, so say three minorities.

Eileen, this budget is incredible.

It must have taken you weeks.

Months. I'm exhausted.

That's why I look the way I do.

Oh. That's why.

Tomorrow's budget meeting is never gonna be more important, so don't screw it up, Eileen.

Keep those puffy eyes on the prize.

Hey, P.T. Hey, what's up, Dalts?

Craig, to the "R," to the "O," to the "Binson."

Ohh.

Been wondering when I get to funk it up with you.

Some would say you're doing it right now.

Seriously, Craig, we need to jam.

Seriously. Soon.

Jam.

So, I need your permission for something.

I convinced a world-famous musician to come here and speak to the kids.

I just need your okay.

Sure.

That's great, Mr. Robinson.

You know, we haven't had a speaker here since Bill Nye the Science Guy became Bill Nye the Stabbed Guy.

I don't believe me eyes.

If it isn't the love of my life, Eileen "Tight Fit" Taylor.

Neville... the Devil?

So you two know each other?

Two years on the road together.

I know every inch of this vixen, outside and three inches in.

It's kind of romantic.

What?

What are you doing here?

Look, I'm Neville's shadow till we sign this record deal.

This dude is wild, man.

He bought a car to drive it two blocks, then he traded it to a homeless guy for a pickle.

Damn.

That's full-blown rock star.

Principal Taylor, I'm so sorry.

I did not know you and Neville had a past.

But look, he's here now.

Why don't we just let him talk to the kids.

He might be able to teach them something.

Oh, yes, like how to find drug scraps in the carpet with the lights off.

[bell rings]

No, there's no way he's talking to my kids.

I want him out of this school.

Now.

Maybe some dinner tonight, Tight Fit?

That is not my name.

I am not "Tight Fit" anymore.

I'm no longer "All Night Neville."

Time... she's a bit of a bitch, eh?

I've got the most talented guest speaker any teacher has ever gotten any class ever.

both: Taylor Swift?

No, but a close second.

Please say hello to my future boss, Neville Rex!

[applause]

This man has 15 Grammys.

Walls covered with platinum albums.

Neville Rex is a superstar.

Yeah. So y'all better recognize.

Hey, kid, are you new in this class?

Kid? Please.

I'm this man's entourage.

[laughs] That's just French for "bitch."

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

No, but I'ma kiss your mother with this mouth.

Biiitch.

Craig: Hey, hey, hey.

So, I thought it would be cool for you guys to hear from someone who used music to succeed.

Neville?

First of all, don't do dr*gs.

That's right.

Unless it's a known source and it hasn't been cut too many times.

Principal Taylor...

You look lovely, Eileen.

Deandre: Principal Taylor, you know this old dude who smells like bowling shoes and licorice?

Good nose, son.

Your principal and I were once in love.

That was a long time ago.

I remember it well.

Eileen and I were in Paris together at the Café de Flore in Saint-Germain-des-Prés, and she kissed my neck, spanked my bottom, and inspired me to write my mega-hit, Kiss Me, Spank Me, Love Me.

You want to know what I remember well?

The not-so-good times, like doing lines off the toilet seat at CBGB's.

all: Ohh.

Neville: Well, in closing, if there's one lesson I can leave you with, it's... never eat 100 balloons full of anything.

Two lessons I guess.

The second being, never let true love slip away.

Eileen, please. Dinner with me.

Sorry, Neville.

20 years too late.

Could you please leave?

Man, that ended on a bummer.

But thank you for coming in today to share your story, Mr. Rex.

Please, call me Neville.

"Mr. Rex" is my penis.

Give it up for Neville.

Give it up for Neville.

Come on.

Craig, I need you to convince Eileen to go out with me.

It's pretty clear she hates you.

Let me tell you a little story.

If Eileen doesn't go out with me, it's... I forget the rest.

Ben: Record deal!

Yes, thank you.

That goes away.

All right. All right.

I'll see what I can do to loosen Eileen up.

I mean tighten her up... I mean...

I'll make it happen.

Brilliant, Craig. Now, I've got to go.

This hot day-moon is k*lling me.

He talking about the sun?

Jimmy, why are you driving a Ferrari?

Why do you hate America?

I mean, I thought you were saving up for your tennis camp.

If I'm gonna get the best poor kids around, I got to look like the best white, rich tennis guy around.

Even if that made sense, where did you get the money?

I got a loan against my future stock payout from a very levelheaded businessman named Mikey "Kills-With-Scissors."

Jimmy, are you crazy?

What happens when you can't pay him back?

How should I know?

Look, Victoria, relax, I didn't buy this car.

Oh, thank God.

I rented it.

$1,000 a day, six-day minimum.

Good lock with that, Bjorn Dork.

Thank you.

I, for one, am gonna use my money for something noble.

Something good.

To destroy my brother.

And of course his lovely wife when she throws herself on his funeral pyre.

I vote we sell.

Neville's gone.

He should have been gone the first time I told you.

I was having flashbacks of big hair, fingerless gloves, and pounding Bartles and Jaymes till I puked Blue Hawaiian.

You know, Neville seems sincere.

I think he wants to make things right.

Maybe you should go to dinner.

I can't believe you're even saying that.

Me either.

For one thing, I have the biggest budget meeting of the year tomorrow, and for another thing, dinner with Neville can quickly turn into breakfast with Neville in Colombia.

I understand.

He did say he'd do anything.

If nothing else, the man has deep pockets.

Large donation to the school.

Help solve some of those budget problems.

He said that?

Sure.

And, you know, Eileen, you're not the doe-eyed impressionable groupie you once were.

You can handle him.

Think about what a hero you'd be to Supervisor Dalton, and the kids.

You know what?

He is really rich.

I'm gonna have dinner with him.

Let him apologize.

Eat some scampi.

And take that bastard's money.

That's the spirit.

Getting me a record deal.

I'm going to hell.

Get that record deal!

Go straight to hell.

Hey, guys.

I just got a market alert.

Our stock has started to drop.

Yeah. Dump it. Dump it all.

I'm in way over my head.

My dream is dying.

Look, it's just an adjustment.

All market indicators point to a big upswing coming.

Yeah? Well, I haven't been able to convince one kid to get in my car with me.

And, Mikey "Kills-With-Scissors" just sent me a message.

He also sent me a text saying he wants his money back.

Yeah, yeah, I want to sell too.

I need that money to start my testing phase for Boff.

"Boff"?

My beef substitute.

"Boff. It's what's for Donner."

Samir, if your people don't eat beef, why have a beef...

My mother always loved my brother more!

Ashleigh: Okay. I'm sorry, Victoria, but this market's as crazy as these two.

I think we should sell so I can finish the work on that house.

It'll help me get some interest in my reality show idea:

Stripper Flipper.

Okay, we all agreed that the majority rules.

So we'll sell the stock.

And I hope that Stripper Flipper,

Boff, and "World's Dumbest Tennis Camp" are all very successful for you.

all: Thank you so much.

Dalton: Where the hell is Eileen?

That woman had the most important budget meeting of the year this morning and missed it.

I don't know; I haven't seen her since yesterday, and to be honest, I'm kind of worried about her.

No need to worry. She's a strong, forceful woman.

[guitar feedback]

What the hell is going on?

[guitar shredding]

Wow.

That's a really good lick.

♪

Rock and roll, b*tches!

Principal Taylor, this behavior is completely inappropriate!

80-hour work weeks?

No personal life?

That's inappropriate.

So eat me, Dalton!

Okay, so, I'm just gonna go ahead and turn of the P.A.

Uh, sorry, kids.

Today's lunch is chili-mac.

Yeah, this next song is called I Had Sex With Your Principal.

Oh, my God.

You're Neville Rex!

Not done with you, Eileen.

I would love it if you would sign my chest.

Where did that strong, independent woman go?

I thought you had this.

Turns out he had me.

Several times.

[laughs]

Craig, I just want to thank you for bringing Neville back to my life.

Jackhammer, I'm bored.

Me too, love.

Let's get naked and run through a Denny's and show 'em what a grand slam really is, eh?

Come on.

Well done, Craig.

The contracts for your record deal are being drawn up today.

Principal Taylor has left the building.

Craig, that woman is out of control.

Neville!

Neville!

You brought him here. You need to fix this.

She's under a lot of pressure, all right?

Let's just give her a little record deal.

A little space. A little space.

She'll figure it out.

Damn, you fine.

Deandre.

What is going on out here?

Principal Taylor quit, yo.

There's no one to get in trouble with.

Everybody's bouncing.

I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. C.

Maybe.

Hey, new kid.

Everybody's out of here.

I ain't no kid. I'm a grown-ass man.

[laughs]

Well, you might be a man, but you sure ain't grown.

The kids here are mean.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were tailing Neville.

Yeah, he gave me the slip.

What's going on with the record deal?

He said it's all but done.

Oh, hell yeah!

Record deal! Record deal!

Record deal! Record deal!

Record deal! Record deal!

No?

Why you ain't dancing?

I know.

I should be happy.

But I'm not.

Yo, it feels perfect to me.

sniffs: Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I smell chili-mac in the air.

With no line.

Thank God Superintendant Dalton is in control.

Yesterday, it was like Lord of the Flies.

Screw the kids.

Boff is dead.

My money's all gone.

I spent money for a focus group, then had to pay to get all their stomachs pumped.

I'm never gonna b*at my brother.

Damn you, Curry King!

I've said that a thousand times.

No, no, Craig, Samir lost all his money.

I, on the other hand, was able to flip that house and make a profit, but my Stripper Flipper idea is DOA.

It turns out that Mary Lou Retton has a show where she refinishes furniture...

It's called Flipper Stripper.

That bouncy bitch.

What about you, Vic?

Oh, um, I put mine back into the stock and, actually, it's up 400% and climbing.

Oh, show-off.

My tennis camp is dead and so am I.

And Mikey "Kills-With-Scissors" keeps stabbing my balls.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

I got Mikey "Kills-With-Scissors" off your balls.

I bought your debt.

So now you owes me.

Awesome.

So, can I get another loan?

No, but what you are gonna do is teach free tennis lessons to the kids here until I feel like you've paid me back.

Okay. I'll do it.

But I got one more question.

How long are you gonna pay for my Ferrari?

Oh, you mean my Ferrari?

Oh, the way the stock is going, maybe another 30 days.

Keys.

[bell rings]

That was cool what you did for Jimmy.

Oh, what was I supposed to do?

He's our friend.

I would hope if you see a friend in distress, that you would reach out to them.

Anyone here would do that for you.

You know, you're not very cryptic with you pep talks.

So, why did Craig ask us to meet him here?

Oh, I have no idea.

Courtesy of Mr. Robinson.

♪ You followed the music into a bathroom stall ♪
♪ When you finally woke up ♪
♪ There was writing on the wall ♪
♪ It was written right above ♪
♪ "For a good time, call" ♪
♪ The message was clear ♪
♪ How far will you fall? ♪
♪ Then and there it hit you ♪
♪ Right across the face ♪
♪ It's time to let that tour bus ♪
♪ Finally drive away ♪

Slap it, Dalts!

[fumbling bass playing]

♪

Never mind.

♪ You were never meant ♪
♪ To follow the masses ♪
♪ You know you were sent ♪
♪ Here to put kids into classes ♪

Enough!

That bloody sucked!

And I've seen Wings live.

She's made her choice, mate.

Just accept it.

Can't do it, Neville.

Record deal or not, if you truly care for Eileen, you want what's best for her, and that means she stays here... with us.

What about what's best for me?

I haven't had a hit since I lost Eileen.

She's my muse, and I need her back.

Not as much as we need her back.

All is forgiven, Eileen.

I now know the rush of being a rock star.

Craig: Wait.

So you've been using me this whole time to get to Eileen?

Of course. I've been looking for her for years.

If not for your ridiculous invitation on school letterhead, I never would have known how to find her.

You know what, Neville?

Why don't you take your record deal, and shove up your old, crusty, British ass.

Come on, babe.

Let's get out of here.

No.

Using me is one thing.

In fact, I really enjoyed the stuff I can remember.

But there's no way I'm gonna let you hurt one of my teachers.

Good-bye, Neville.

Good-bye, Tight Fit.

It's good to have you back...

Tight Fit.

It's good to be back, Mr. Robinson.

So, how high are you?

Fine. How are you?