01x03 - High School Is Wild Fire

[bunniefuu]

Jazz: Tonight on "I Am Jazz"...

If you want to have, like, a friendship with a boy, then you have to try.

So, you don't just, like, sit there and expect it to...

But I do try!

When you're banned from playing soccer, it's gonna leave some negative memories.

This might be a good time to go visit Marilyn.

Dr. Marilyn?

Do you ever think about being sexual?

Um...

We're gonna keep you, little guy.

Greg: I consider us an ordinary family with some extraordinary circumstances.

I thought of it as an oddity.

I was devastated.

Jeanette: Jazz asked me, "what am I?"

And she would say, "Mommy, am I a boy, or am I a girl?"

This is my sister. She's a girl.

She's a girl.

She's a girl.

I am transgender.

Greg: We love her just the way she is.

I am a girl. I am an artist. I am Jazz.

♪

So, what do you need first?

Um, I think I need cleats.

All righty. For sure.

Greg: I actually don't mind shopping. Shopping's fun.

Greg takes like five hours to pick out one sock.

[Laughs]

And I'm not exaggerating.

I don't like shopping with Jeanette.

Ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

Is there a specific brand you like?

Not necessarily.

Jazz: I'm pretty good at soccer.

My brothers and my dad trained me when I was superduper young, and they helped shape my skills.

When I played soccer, they basically had one color...

The black and the white.

[Laughs] That was it.

How about these?

Those are pretty good.

Jazz always loved the game of soccer, but when she was very young, the league essentially said, "you cannot play," because Jazz was biologically a boy.

Jazz was devastated.

She said, you know, "it's not fair. I'm a girl.

I deserve to be able to play with the girls," and she was being forced to play on the boys' team.

For her to be able to play on a girls' team, we had to go through a two-year legal battle.

What else do we need?

I'm just gonna get a sports bra, but that's my girl stuff, so...

All righty. [Chuckles]

As a dad, I never anticipated sports-bra shopping with Jazz.

Jeanette: It's like you could not possibly, in your wildest dreams, imagine "I'm gonna take my little two-year-old 'son' shopping for a bra someday."

Well, you're kind of phrasing it a different way.

I'm just saying your frame of mind back then, you would have never, ever thought that would happen.

Jazz: Feel how comfy.

Greg: No thanks.

No, just touch it. Touch it.

Okay. Hold on. I'll touch it right here.

Wouldn't this feel good on your pecs?

No thanks. I get it.

[Chuckles]

♪

Greg: Is this gonna be for J.V. practice or for varsity practice?

Ugh, I don't know.

That's been such, like, a major question.

You think you'd have any issues playing with older kids?

I don't know.

It's harder for me to, like, make friends.

People look at me differently sometimes.

In the past, I've just had problems around new people.

I'm gonna feel like I'm the odd one out.

Jazz: Right now, all of my teammates are my friends, and I really don't know the varsity girls.

They don't know that I'm transgender, so playing with them is really something scary to think about.

You're capable, from a skill level, of playing, you know, varsity.

[Sighs]

Stop making me blush.

[Both chuckle]

♪

Smells so good.

So good.

Taylor and Brooke are my best friends, and they're my school soccer teammates.

And they accept me for who I am.

Are you guys going to the soccer clinic... the city-wide thing?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

We have this soccer conditioning clinic coming up, and it's really important because they're high schoolers, so we'll get to see how they play and how difficult it is for them.

Are you guys gonna try to go for varsity?

Both: No.

I feel like I'm definitely gonna be on J.V.

I'm probably not gonna make varsity.

I know you're better than us.

Yeah, but you would probably make varsity.

Jazz: I really think I should push myself and try out for varsity next year, but then that means I wouldn't be playing with my friends, and being with new people, it's hard for me sometimes.

So, how do you guys think bowling went?

A lot of boys don't talk to me, like, at all.

You could also, like, include yourself more.

I do try to include myself, but, like...

Whatever.

At the bowling alley, I didn't fully confront Taylor when she called me out because I don't want to start drama and craziness.

But honestly, it really, like, pissed me off.

I was glad Nelson and Chris came.

Brooke: Would you want to hang out with them again?

Mm, I don't know. They were okay.

If you want to have, like, a friendship with a boy, then you have to try.

You don't just, like, sit there and expect it to, like, come out of the sky.

But I do try!

All the girls that hang out with the boys... they approach the boys, like, a lot.

And you don't do that.

Jazz is amazing at pretty much everything, but boys... nah.

She's not too good with boys. [Chuckles]

If you want to be, like, friends with them, then that wouldn't even be, like, a bad thing, to try harder, 'cause...

I mean, we're not trying to hurt your feelings.

Yeah.

So, you guys think it's, like, completely unrelated to the fact that I'm transgender?

You guys just think it's because of me as a person?

Well, some boys could...

That actually hurts my feelings.

Jazz: Not only has Taylor been on my case about talking to boys, but now Brooke, too.

They don't understand how hard it is for me to really talk to boys and get their attention.

I've been rejected by boys a lot in the past, and it's something really hard for me to deal with.

It's hard to just, like, find the courage to open up to someone and to be myself, so I don't even know how to deal with it...

How to ask a boy for their number, how to start texting a boy.

Just say, "hey."

And just start talking.

Yeah.

I'm different. It's different for me.

Guys think, "oh, if I like her, does that mean I'm gay?"

Because they just think I'm, like, a boy.

They don't get it.

Like, I don't see it like that at all.

[Laughs]

She's like, "I don't see it like that at all.

You're beautiful."

Actually, you didn't say that, but will you say it?

You're beautiful!

[Laughter]

♪

Jazz: So, today, I have soccer practice.

Woman: Open it up.

My team usually practices about twice a week.

Don't hesitate. Don't hesitate.

And I mean, my team... We're not terrible.

We're pretty good.

We win some games. We lose some.

Feel confident in your kicks and your passes.

Much better.

Team's looking good.

Hey, yeah.

They're coming along.

Pressure. Initial pressure.

Where's the initial pressure?

Coach Betty's opinion is important to us because we want to get a b*at on where she thinks Jazz should be.

Going into high school is a very daunting thing.

So, of course, I'm gonna worry about that.

And I always worry about Jazz just being happy.

Greg: She's trying to decide whether or not to play J.V. soccer or varsity soccer.

You have any advice on that?

My biggest recommendation is that we need to find out where she wants to go.

She's good, but, you know, she's, like...

She's hot and cold, you know?

She is.

And I don't know how you stay hot.

In her real life, she's very confident.

I wish, in soccer, she had the same confidence.

We know why she doesn't have that same confidence.

Because she wasn't allowed to play.

She's scarred, I feel like.

When you're banned from playing soccer, it's gonna leave some negative memories.

It's a hill that she's still climbing.

You're gonna see... She's gonna have a great game and then, another teammate, another high school girl, is gonna come up to her and say, you know, "you shouldn't be here."

It's not gonna be easy.

It's not easy for any eighth grader transferring into ninth grade.

You know, most of the people already in her school know she's transgender, but in high school, it's gonna be brutal.

They're gonna be gunning for her, you know what I mean?

Betty: I think the girls in high school are gonna be...

[sighs] For Jazz, it's gonna be...

It could be either way.

She has a lot to prove on that field.

She needs to take it one step at a time, or it's gonna overwhelm her.

It's up here.

It's not gonna be easy, but she cannot give up.

[Cheering]

You want to be loved, but you're not boy crazy.

So, that's kind of like a disconnect.

I don't have all the girl parts.

That makes it, sometimes, awkward.

♪

Griffen: What's up, Jazz? What are you doing?

Jazz: I'm eating doughnuts.

You're eating all three of those doughnuts?

And all that ice cream?

Yes. I'm having a sugar craving.

I thought you were always complaining, "oh, oh, oh! My belly! Oh!"

You always complain about belly Bob.

I mean, don't you want to get rid of belly Bob?

Ever since I've been taking the estrogen, I've had cravings for doughnuts, sweets, everything delectable.

I'm eating like a pig, for real.

Stop!

Griffen, take these.

No, no, no.

Stop!

We're just trying to be good brothers and trying to help you out here.

You can't eat it if I eat it.

Soccer's a sport that requires stamina, and with Jazz eating the way she's eating right now, she's not gonna have that stamina that she needs to be the best she can be.

No. This was mine.

When she's at her best, she's really good.

She's really good.

You can't come home every day after school and eat three doughnuts, have ice cream.

You just can't do that.

It already, like, makes me feel gross.

I want the snack pack gone, and I wasn't something that doesn't look like wretched intestines.

I say the weirdest things.

I'm the fat one in the family!

I'm the fat one of all my friends!

I would show you mine right now, but I don't want to blind you with sexiness.

You're not funny at all.

Every day, we wake up at 5:00 A.M...

5:00 A.M.

And hit the gym.

We get our grind on for a good hour and then head to school.

If I were Jazz, I would look up to me.

But in truth... We really don't do that much.

Do you even lift?

Come on. Look at these things. [Smooching]

Boy, you need to get on my level.

Go get him. Go get him.

Holy crap!

Where's the lizard?

Go scare Jazz!

Jazz: Aah!!

Go get her!

Aah!! Aah!!

There's the tail!

[Screaming]

The tail's still moving. How is that possible?

[Crying] I don't like lizards!

I don't like lizards!

Sander: You just got a really good workout, didn't you?

♪

I really don't feel like dieting right now with all of this.

Then don't. Just eat what you want.

The thing is all the boys...

All they care about is good bodies.

I want boys to think I have a good body.

A lot of my friends have been getting asked out by guys.

Like, sometimes I question, like, is the reason why they don't like me just because I'm transgender, or is it because I'm not pretty enough or something weird like that?

You're beautiful. It's their loss.

My friends told me... They're like, "it's because you don't put yourself out there."

And that, like, confuses me.

Like, do I have to try my hardest to put myself out there?

Or will the right guy come to me and love me for being myself?

Like, I don't want to have to try to be someone I'm not.

I just want to fall in love.

Jazz is very complicated.

She has many layers, and I don't know which mom to be sometimes to help her with whatever she's going through.

And I want to be that person that's gonna make it all better, but sometimes, I'm at a loss for words.

I just wonder why, you know, you're not like, "oh, I have a crush on him.

I have a crush on this guy, and that guy and..."

And that's okay, but you're not like me, so I don't really relate to that.

You want to be loved, but you're not boy crazy.

So, that's kind of like a disconnect.

It's definitely a point in time in your life where I don't always have all the answers.

This might be a good time to talk to somebody other than me.

Go and visit Marilyn.

Dr. Marilyn?

Jazz's therapist has played a major role in her life.

Jazz went through a period of time when she was depressed.

She hated everybody. She hated life.

I was really worried that she might be suicidal.

It was scary.

You haven't been there in a while.

You need to talk to her, 'cause you can talk to me and I can have certain feelings, but I'm emotionally attached to you.

So, I just want to hug you and kiss you and say it's gonna be okay.

Right now, you look like your head is exploding, so take a deep breath.

I just feel like it's always gonna be hard for me.

Thank you for coming out to our high-school soccer conditioning.

Are people more accepting in high school?

High school's wildfire.

People don't care about your feelings at all.

♪

Young woman: Good morning, ladies.

Thank you for coming out to our high-school soccer conditioning.

Soccer conditioning session is, you know, you do exercises, hard work, drills, everything that really builds up your body and builds up your conditioning.

How many of these are we doing?

High knees, ladies. No talking.

One more time, and we're good!

We're done!

We didn't even get to touch the ball.

I don't like it.

You don't?

Then you're not ready for high school.

I think a lot of these girls take it really seriously.

It, like, makes me think do I want to do this, like, every day to be a part of my life?

Or do I just want to, like, do J.V.?

Jazz: These girls seem like they're really close, and it makes me a little bit intimidated, because would I be accepted into this clan?

All right. Everyone sit down in a semicircle, please.

Today was a great day. We all pushed ourselves hard.

We worked together as a team.

We have two months of conditioning to earn the privilege to touch a ball.

You guys have any questions?

What exactly is the difference between what you do in J.V. and varsity?

J.V. is just to give you that backbone and give you a year to mature so you can be on varsity and so you can, like, prove yourself, basically.

Are people more accepting in high school?

Because I'm transgender.

I'm not sure if all of you guys knew that.

For people who don't know about me, I'm just really blunt and honest because I embrace who I am.

So, what does that mean? Like...

Being transgender?

It basically means that I was assigned male at birth, and now I'm a girl.

I've always been a girl, but I was trapped in a boy's body at first.

But now I'm a girl.

[Laughter]

So, in high school, are kids more mature?

Are they more accepting?

Because a lot of kids judge me before really getting to know me.

I'm just gonna tell you right now... high school is wildfire.

Like, one thing gets out about you, I'm telling you, by day two, everyone's gonna know everything that you ever told anyone.

Girls who "are" your friends, aren't.

People don't care about your feelings in high school at all.

Everyone's gonna judge you for anything that they think is wrong with you.

Jazz: I really learned from the high school girls about what my high-school experience is gonna be like, and I'm worried.

People judge me all the time, and I know that everyone over here...

They've always heard something negative about them.

You're a strong person for being able to do that.

Young woman: Your soccer family will be, like, the first to, like, accept you, because, like, we're together almost every day.

We're literally everywhere.

Like, someone's giving you trouble, there'll be a soccer girl, like, right over there.

Like... "What's the problem?"

Jazz: When I see all these girls, they're really close, and you can tell they've been a team for a while, and it's great, but they absolutely just confirmed my worst fears about high school.

It makes me feel like maybe high school won't get better.

Maybe it'll get worse.

Kelly: All right, guys.

If you keep coming, just know you got a good chance of being on something great.

♪

Who you texting?

I'm never texting anybody.

I'm answering e-mails.

Well, why don't you put it down for a moment and tell me what's cooking?

I will. I'd be happy to put it down.

There's so much cooking.

We haven't had a chance to talk about anything.

Jeanette: Let's see...

[Chuckles]

Dear Greg...

Greg is great at playing devil's advocate.

Me?

Sometimes, I just want you to be my hero.

When you need me, I'm there... When you really need me.

When I do need him, he's there.

But till we get there, sometimes it's like, "ugh."

Jazz has so much going on between, like, all the stuff with her friends and the boys and her not really being sure if she's ready for that kind of thing.

But then she was telling me that she really wants to know what it feels like to be in love.

It was really cute. But she's kind of emotional.

She's moodier 'cause these are some tough years that she's going into.

And I can't relate to her.

So, when she's feeling less than confident, like, I don't even know where to go with that.

She and I decided that it was time for her to go see Dr. Marilyn to have, like, a good therapy session.

'Cause it's been a while.

We can't be expected to have all the answers, you know?

But I want to.

But that's just not...

I want to make it better.

She's not a little kid anymore.

No!

So, she needs to be able to navigate the path of teenager-ness, you know?

[Chuckling] Teenager-ness.

We'll get through it.

Give me a hug. [Chuckles]

♪

Jazz, I am so happy to see you.

It's been so long.

Come on. Sit down. I want to hear from you.

Everything. Everything.

You start with wherever you want to start with.

There's been a lot going on.

There's definitely been a lot of changes in my life, and as I'm approaching high school, it's... becoming overwhelming, and stressful.

My gosh. Anybody who goes through high school anyway is gonna have great days and not-so-great days.

And for any of the trans teenagers I've ever worked with, there's extra stress about it.

What is the most overwhelming for you right now?

You know, the hardest thing is the social aspect of it...

Making new friends, meeting new people, trying to fit in, and trying to figure out if people will accept you or not for who you are.

I've heard different reactions from high school girls, and I'm scared.

I hope that it could be more natural, like you could just be yourself and then people will like you for just who you are.

A lot of my friends are very boy crazy and like attention from the boys, and a lot of boys don't really talk to me as much.

Although I'm not boy crazy, and I don't need a boyfriend, I do want love.

It's something that I'm really dying to experience.

I want my little fairytale.

I think that would also help me a lot.

I need someone to cuddle with, someone to just be with.

Do you ever think about being sexual?

♪

I do want love.

It's something that I'm really dying to experience.

Do you ever think about being sexual?

Um...

Not... not really.

Like, I want just love in general.

Would it have to be a trans guy?

No, I'm not limiting it to anything.

I would fall in love with anyone.

It just has to be the right guy.

That would be a very special guy, and maybe a rare guy.

Yeah, a very rare guy. [Chuckles]

The boys... when they find out that I don't have all of the girl parts, it kind of turns them off, if you know what I mean.

They wouldn't know what to do, and that makes it, sometimes, awkward.

Because we've been so conditioned to be thinking about, "if I have a girlfriend, this is what she would have to have."

And it makes, then, transgender people one body part, and it can be challenging.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying my hardest, but things will never get better.

I deal with it badly.

Like, I'll just run away.

Like, I'll go to the bathroom and cry alone, and I don't want anyone else seeing me as someone who's weak.

It sounds like the bathroom, when you're in school, is the place where you can hide out.

Mm-hmm. Although it is very smelly.

Yeah. [Laughs]

I bet.

Hiding out is a very important part of life, especially for very busy people.

A lot of people do take time.

Like, they just want to go run by themselves, or they want to sit and meditate.

That's not a bad thing.

And it's finding a balance about that.

You do have a lot on your plate, and you're not like any other teen in the world.

Whatever you feel in your heart is really fine.

It's you, Jazz.

Give me a hug. Come on.

[Laughs] I love you so much.

I love you, too.