01x04 - Edibles Wrecks

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Significant Mother". Aired: August 2015 to October 2015.*
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"Significant Mother" is about a guy who starts sleeping with and then continues to date his best friend's, and roommate's, recently separated Mom.
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01x04 - Edibles Wrecks

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, buddy, I think your Stumptown addiction's getting out of control.

That mug is the size of my head.

I need to stay sharp, so I can finish prepping for my interview.

The Picky Spoon is a very influential blog.

Oh, honey, it's just an interview.

Come on, it's a blip on the radar.

You know what else is a blip on the radar?

A ship right before some laid-back captain sinks it.

I think you're giving this article a little too much credit, buddy.

And I don't think you're giving it enough.

Look, I know you haven't had time to pay attention to anything but each other lately, but this is a big moment in my career.

Please just try and take it seriously.

Okay, we will take it seriously, if you take this toast seriously.

[mumbles] Thank you.

[cell phone chimes] [Lydia sighs]

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad that this interview is tomorrow.

A few more days of this and he'd wind up with an...

[together] Ear infection. I know.

I just wish he'd stop obsessing about his career so much and start...

Playing nude Twister in the desert.


Wow, that was random yet so specific.

Oh, I'm sorry, my friends keep sending me these crazy pics from Burning Man.

[cell phone chimes] [both laugh]

Oh, my gosh, somebody just spun right boob red.

Wow, that's actually happening.

What's... what's Burning Man?

Oh, it's like this big party out in the Mojave Desert.

It's like this weeklong drug binge and dust orgy with sculptures and body paint.

I go every year.

Why didn't you go this year?

Oh, I don't know.

I just didn't really think it was your scene.

Oh, well, that doesn't mean it can't be your scene.

I'm totally cool with you doing fun, young-people stuff without me, but I prefer you skip the orgies.

Burning Man without orgies is like toast without bread.


But, you know, I've been there, done that.

I want to be here doing that.

Are you sure?

I mean, I don't want you to look back on your 20s and regret missing out on fun stuff because of me.

Hey, I'm not missing out on anything.

I'm right where I want to be, and we know how to get plenty wild.

In fact, tonight, I think we should do a 5,000-piece puzzle.

Sounds pretty wild.


Ooh. [Cell phone chimes]

Oh, wow. That does not go there.

[upbeat music]

I got us a doozy of a puzzle...

Meadow scene, lots of flowers.

Actually, no puzzles tonight.

Tonight we're gonna do something different.

Tonight we're gonna do dr*gs...

Edible gummy bear dr*gs.

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

And there was an arts and crafts store next door, and I got us some body paints.

What has gotten into you?

I know that you said that you were fine missing Burning Man, but I saw the way you looked at those pictures.

I don't know, I thought maybe we could do a drug binge, dust orgy of our own, minus the dust, of course, because my allergies are terrible.

You do not have to do dr*gs for me.

No, it's not just for you. It's for me too.

See, I spent my 20s raising Nate, so I never got a chance to be irresponsible.

Now's my time, so shut up, paint my boob, and do legal dr*gs with me.

Well, it would be my honor to right boob red you, but we can't tonight.

All right, the blogger's coming tomorrow, and edibles last, like, six to eight hours.

I had no idea. That's a commitment.

Just because we can't get high tonight doesn't mean we can't find somewhere to put those paints.


Ooh, gummy bears.

"Restaurateur of Tomorrow is not just a title. It's a responsibility, which is why I intend to write the next great oeuvre in Portland's culinary symphony."

Jimmy, come on, I still got a ton of prep before the blogger gets here.

Jimmy: Just a sec.

"To me, food is like music, every ingredient a note."

Just doing some man shaping for the big day.

It's manscaping, and if this blogger sees your pubic hair, you're fired.

It's not for her. It's for me.

Gives me swagger on my dagger.

I am good to go.

[ominous music]

Oh, my God!

What? Is it my khaki suit?

I look like Al Roker, don't I?

No, you look great. I-I-I just forgot to, uh...

Pu... ahhh...

Nate ate our dr*gs!

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Nate ate our dr*gs.

Are you sure you feel okay, buddy?

Yeah, for the 37th time, yes.

Good, good. That's good.

And you don't feel like listening to Phish or the Grateful d*ad?

Why would I feel like listening to stoner music?

No, no reason. I just thought it might ease your nerves, you know, "Free your mind, and the rest will follow."

My nerves are fine.

I just need to commit these cards to memory, so I can ace this interview.

Hey, honey, how are you?

What are you doing here?

Ll, I heard you when you said that you wanted us to take this more seriously, so I thought I'd just pop by and see if there's anything you needed.

Well, thank you, but all the effort's a little late.

I just need to focus.

Okay, honey, have fun focusing.

Oh, my God.

My baby's on dr*gs, and it's all your fault.

Don't blame yourself, okay?

Did you just say it was my fault?

Yes, you are clearly a bad influence on me.

I'm a bad influence?

You're the one who wanted to see what it felt like to be irresponsible.

Yes, well, now I know, and it's way less fun than I thought it would be.

Okay, just take a deep breath, okay?

Everything's gonna be fine. This is a blessing in disguise.

I mean, the last time Nate got high...

Nate gets high?

Once in a while.

Actually, just once, a while ago.

I went to visit him in college, and I've never seen him so cool.

All right, he made out with this super-hot girl who ended up taking his virginity.

He danced. All right, Nate never dances.

And he learned how to juggle all in one magical night.

Okay, well, I'm really glad that he waited until college to lose his virginity... He's a good boy...

But we cannot let him do this interview stoned.

We have to tell him.

You're right.

Besides, just because pot made him cool in college doesn't mean it's gonna happen again.

Honey, Nate, Jimmy and I...

Don't move. Don't breathe.

Nailed it. See? Told you guys.

All I needed was a little focus.

As cool as gazpacho.

Okay, on second thought, maybe what he doesn't know won't hurt him.


See, I told you everything was gonna be fine.

The Incredible Edible Nate can handle this interview a lot better than normal Nate.

I mean, look how calm he is.

I didn't know he could draw.

Yeah, pot opens up his right brain.

Okay, if things go off the rails, we're gonna need a plan B.

Like the pill?

Boss man, blogger just confirmed a reservation, and chef's tasting menu is set.

"Heirloom tomato gazpacho with microgreens, handmade pici carbonara with heritage raised Red Wattle pork belly."



"Wood grilled lamb chops with wild ramps and mint pesto."

[gasps] I want to eat that.

Well, you can.

I might.

Okay, well, we're only about ten minutes behind on the schedule that you texted, emailed, Snapchatted, and faxed me abou...

Shh. Sam, all that stress is gonna stress you out.

Daddy, thank you for investing in my dream.

You're welcome.

Why didn't you bring a pizza?

[Italian accent] You always bring a pizza.

I brought you something much better than pizza.

I brought you motivation.

If this article goes well, I have an investor who wants to finance a second restaurant.



Wait, can we call it "Food. Yeah"?

No, of course not, but don't get ahead of yourself.

We have to impress this blogger first.

She has over 5 million followers, but if she likes you, my investor will like you, and if she doesn't like you, well, your dream dies.

You know what I just realized?

What your failure as a parent is.

You say you want to motivate me, but all you do is make me afraid of failing, which makes me fail.

If it wasn't for you, I would've been the model, Model U.N. U.N.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, because today, I'm like Taylor Swift.

I'm fearless, and to prove it, when the blogger asks me about the origin of the menu, I'm not gonna tell her where the food comes from.

I am gonna tell her where the whole world comes from.

[imitates expl*si*n]

I will not be defeated.

This sheep has got mutton on me.

Oh, well, if you'll excuse me, I got to go see a chef about a lamb chop.

Why is Nate acting like a lunatic?



Okay, Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass, you better tell me right now.

Now how much lamb could a lamb chop chop if a lamb chop could chop lamb?

Somebody changed the temperature on the sous vide.

These are ruined.

Oh, Chef, relax.

Oh, my God. This is delicious.

I can't stop eating it. Why can't I stop eating it?

Because even my bowel movements are solid gold.


But these are as limp as my sausage with too much wine and not enough cocaine.

I can't serve a lamb chop if the lamb doesn't stay chopped.

Chef, calm down.

You calm down.

I am calm.

I know.

What's wrong with you?


I just know how we can fix this.

We use the tenderness in the lamb to our advantage.

We'll mash some potatoes, and we make a lamb Parmentier with a wild ramp reduction.

A pot pie?


You want me to serve a fricking pot pie?



You are a genius!

It's simple. It's rustic.

Oh, if I didn't have ED, I'd bend you over this counter and do you right here right now.

All right, back to work, my fillet minions.

Yes, Chef.

You're really keeping it cool under pressure today, boss man.

I thought you were gonna be a basket case, but...

[lively music]

♪ Can't tell the story ♪
♪ From the cover of a book ♪
♪ Don't you hurry ♪
♪ Just take a second look and you'll know why ♪
♪ Got the love in my eye ♪
♪ Baby, don't you walk on by ♪
♪ There's no tomorrow ♪
♪ I got a cure you can borrow ♪
♪ So just stand next to me ♪
♪ Baby, right by my side ♪
♪ If you get to know me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, know me ♪
♪ You're gonna love me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me ♪
♪ When you get to know me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, know me ♪
♪ You know you're gonna love me ♪
♪ Gonna love ♪
♪ You're gonna love me ♪
♪ Ba ooh Ba Ba, Ba ooh Ba Ba ♪
♪ Ba ooh Ba Ba ooh ah ♪
♪ You're gonna love me ♪

Oh, my God.

I'm high!

[ominous music]

Who gave me dr*gs?

Oh, he's on dr*gs.

Our son is on dr*gs?

No, honey, no one gave you dr*gs.

See, I bought some totally legal pot gummy bears, and when you came to the house earlier today, you accidentally ate them.

Not now, Mom, I'm trying to figure out who gave me dr*gs.

How could you not tell me our son is on dr*gs and that it's your fault?

I had the situation under control.

Did you? Because it seems to me that Spicoli over there has officially turned you into a reckless teenager If you hadn't knocked me up when I was an actual teenager, maybe I could have gotten some of that reckless behavior out of my system.

I'm sorry, I don't understand the Spicoli reference.

No, that's because you're a child.

I'm not a child!

When was the last time you heard an actual adult say that?

Five seconds ago when I said it.

Guys, stop arguing.

This is a really important day for me.

I'm trying to figure out...

What am I trying to figure out again?

Who gave you dr*gs.

Somebody gave me dr*gs?

Relax, buddy, all right?

Everything is gonna be fine.

The only reason you're freaking out is because you think it's a bad thing to be on dr*gs.


But what if it's a good thing?

Remember that magical night you got high in college?

You mean the night I managed to puke on a girl's face in the 19 seconds it took me to lose my virginity?

Strong showing, boss man.

I forgot about the puke part, but that's probably because I chose to focus on the good part, which was you finally losing your virginity.


Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.

Oh, no, honey.

Oh, I hate pukey.

Mommy, why is this happening?

Oh, baby.

Really great work, Lydia.

Biggest day of our son's life, and he's gonna blow it because you decided to blow that.

You're not helping, Harrison. Honey?


You are not gonna blow it, and you are not going to puke.

You are going to be just fine.

And you remember to tell him that when the blogger ruins his career.

Okay, I will, because his career is not the most important thing in his life.

all: Yes, it is.

And you think this is a good thing?

He is constantly stressed out.

If you didn't send him to Montessori school, he'd be able to handle a little stress in his life.

And maybe if you didn't terrify him his first day of kindergarten, I wouldn't have had to send him to a Montessori school.

I never terrified him.

You told him kindergarten was death.

Well, in today's job market, it is.

Oh, my God.

Why are you guys yelling?

Because your mother gave you dr*gs.

You gave me dr*gs?

Is anybody worried about his hearing?

The blogger is here.

No, I can't go out there.

[whispers] I'm on dr*gs.

Do you want some cocaine, help you sober up?

More dr*gs is not the answer!

Really depends on the question.

The question is, "Who gave me dr*gs?"

All right, that's it, you know what?

I will go out there. I will do the interview for him.

No, this is not gonna be like the time you played Mordechai for him in the Purim play.

I was a very convincing Mordechai.

Okay, look, the blogger is here, and she wants to see Nate.

We just need to give her as little of Nate as we can to make her happy.

So, like, two fingers.

Wait, I have an idea.


Never mind. Nate doesn't have a twin.

Harrison: I hope you are happy.

Lydia: I'm not.

Harrison: Because our son is...

Hey, where are you going, buddy?

I'm gonna do this on my own.

You guys are useless.

I got this.

I just need to focus.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

Which one of you was I talking to?

Jimmy: Okay, something's not right.

Someone should go check on him.

I'll go say there's a question in the kitchen.

I don't want to say I told you so.

I get it, okay?

I drugged our son, and now we're all paying for it.

Hey, guys?

But you know who's paying for it most? Nate.

And like it or not, we are all in this together,

'cause we all love Nate more than anything.

Uh, guys.

So the best thing that we can do is just band together and stop the bickering, stop the blaming, and stop the dr*gs and just...



Nate's gone.


Jimmy: Oh, no, it's just like last time.

I forgot.

At the end of the night, he did a Highrish Good-bye.

I didn't see him for days.


I think now is a good time for "I told you so."


Oh, how could we let this happen?

We took our eyes off him for a second.

The same thing happened in the grocery store when he was four, remember?

Oh, yeah.

We found him color-coordinating the olive bar.


Gosh, he could always see so many shades of green.

Yeah. We just have to split up and look for him like we did back then.


We just have to think, where could he be?

He could be sleeping on the sidewalk while a hobo steals his jacket.

Oh, great.

Oh, my God.

Now how are we gonna get him through the restaurant without the blogger noticing?

Why don't we just wake him up?

No, we can't wake Nate up.

When he passes out, he's like a d*ad man.

Wait a minute. I think I know what we're gonna do.

We are gonna walk Nate right through the front door.

How are we gonna do that?


Lydia, you're gonna go sit with the blogger and distract her.

Chef, you're gonna cook the heck out of some delicious meal.

Sam, you are gonna run the food, and, Jimmy, you and I are gonna use our physical strength to animate Nate's lifeless body.

That does not sound simple, but it does sound awesome.

Do you think it will work?

Trust me.

I've done it before, twice.

I trust you, Mr. M.

You do?


I mean, this plan is classic Jimmy.

I mean, if you hadn't have said it, I would have thought I did.

Hey, maybe we're more alike than you think.

Definitely not. Okay.

I'm gonna need two brooms, four shoelaces, a pair of sunglasses, and a teal windbreaker.

Nobody has a teal windbreaker.

I'll live without that.

Fillet Minions, it's go time.

[reggae music]

♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She said don't worry ♪
♪ Forget tomorrow, let's enjoy the day ♪
♪ ♪

Hi. I'm Lydia Marlowe.

♪ No need to hurry ♪
♪ Relax your mind, and let's slip away ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The skies are blue ♪
♪ The trade wind is bl*wing through the trees ♪

Here we go.

20 bucks, 20 bucks? 100. 108.

There you go, sir. Thank you.

♪ It's just me and you ♪ - Thank you.

Can I... can we... One, two, three. Up.

Okay, come on, jacket time.

Put it on, put it on.

Jacket's going on.

♪ Ohh, yeah ♪
♪ One more time ♪
♪ We got all night, gonna feel all right, yeah ♪
♪ One more time ♪

Do I know you?

Maybe in another life, kid.

Let's go.

♪ Keep it going strong till the break of dawn ♪
♪ Yeah, one more time, oh ♪
♪ One more time, yeah ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, man ♪
♪ Yeah, one more day ♪
♪ Dance the night away ♪
♪ The drinks were flowing ♪
♪ There's a sweet smell bl*wing through the air ♪
♪ ♪

That looks really good.

♪ Starlight is shining through your hair ♪
♪ ♪

So this is the lamb parmentier...

♪ One more time, ah, yeah ♪
♪ Ah, yeah, one more time ♪

Thank you so much.


Lydia: Bye.


[all cheer]

That was a little weird.

A little bit.

I'm gonna go check on Nate.

That was way crazier than anything I've ever done at Burning Man.

You think dr*gs are crazy, try being a parent.

Best high there is.

You see, you didn't need pot to get you high in your 20s.

You had Nate.

As much as I hate to admit it, you're right.

My friends may have got to go to Lilith Fair, but I got to watch my little boy grow up.

We still make a pretty good team.


That's because we all want what's best for our special boy.


We're not there yet, are we?



Hey, there he is.


What time is it?

Uh, it's midnight.

Oh! How is it midnight?

Oh, what happened?

Somebody gave you dr*gs.

Somebody gave me dr*gs?

I know.

Wait, how did it go with the blogger?

It went fine.

So you don't remember anything?

I don't... I remember... hugging my dad, eating some lamb.

And then...

I do... it's... It's pretty foggy after that.

Why? What... happened next?

Nope, that's... pretty much it.


I can't believe you guys put dr*gs in an adorable, rustic Mason jar.

I blame Pinterest and myself.

Oh, I got it. Oh.

Here it is.

[both groan]

Yeah, you read.

All right.

"Lincoln serves up an inspired menu of farm-fresh fare with a casual elegance from the pici carbonara to the lamb 'Parmitier'"...


Pot pie.

"The meal danced across my palate with a symphony of flavors"...

"Which is fitting because, according to his mother, the owner Nathaniel Marlowe's approach stems from his philosophy that food is like music, every ingredient a note."

You read my cards.

Yeah, I did. I did.

"Each player on the staff is a member of the talented orchestra that brings this symphony to life, making Lincoln feel sophisticated while still keeping Portland weird. And speaking of weird, if you get a chance to meet the owner, don't be surprised if he's..."

both: "Baked as a cake."
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