01x02 - Protest

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Mm.

Mwah!

So you already opened the gift I got you.

Yeah.

I didn't want you to have the pressure of watching me open it, in case I didn't like it.

(scoffs)

All right, how do you like it?

You gift-paused.

Oh, no. No, no, no. No.

No. Uh, uh, Maxine, I think you're a very beautiful, thoughtful girlfriend, really... but... come on... Banana Republic, Maxine?

I mean, do I look like a guy that works in Accounting, named Adam, to you?

(laughs)

Okay, I think their demographic is slightly larger than that.

Or a young dad named Chris?

Now you're just naming people you know who wear Banana Republic.

I'm not an assistant principal named Markel, Maxine.

Where are you even getting these names from?

Okay, look, since it's your birthday, I thought we could do something fun today like check out that new Italian food cart.

You want me to eat on the streets?

For my birthday?

Okay, but the guy who opened it almost made it onto Top Chef Boston.

That doesn't count.

Nobody goes to Boston for the food.

You go for there for the enthusiastic racism.

All right? Look, look, sit down... sit down.

Okay.

All right, so...

First, we are... thank you... going to watch Coming to America while we sip hot chocolate.

Ooh, I heard that's pretty funny.

What do you mean, you heard it's pretty funny?

Yeah, I heard it's funny.

No, no, no... you hear the Guggenheim has great exhibits.

You hear HPV is more dangerous than you thought.

You... see Coming to America.

Okay. And then what else are we gonna do?

And then, we go to my parents' house for my surprise party.

Okay, how is it a surprise, if you already know about it?

Oh, no, I need to know about my surprises, all right?

Otherwise they're just too startling.

But then we, uh, we eat some cake and then my parents sing to me.

Oh, well, I can sing you the birthday song.

♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Mr. Carmichael... ♪

What are you doing?

♪ Ha... ♪ I'm singing.

You know she d*ed from a pill overdose, right?

(knocking on door)

Happy birthday, playboy.

Oh, thank you.

Did y'all hear what happened?

The cops sh*t a unarmed teenager downtown.

And I'm going down there to protest.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

I know. Look, this is the worst possible day I could start my new job.

I don't know... I'm torn, too, man.

I don't know if I'd go down there, take the streets and fight because I'm a black youth... or do I defend the force, you know?

Because, you know, I'm a officer now.

Okay.

You're a 32-year-old man who works security part-time at an electronics store.

You're not a youth, you're not an officer, and neither side wants you, man.

Okay, forget you, okay?

Matter of fact, is that your sweater?

This sweater's ugly.

What, you're a architect named Pete?

Okay. Ha-ha.

Listen, I think that we should go down and protest.

'Cause, you know, I tried to go to Occupy Wall Street but my flight landed when the protest ended, so I just saw Book of Mormon twice and went home.

That's the saddest story I've ever heard before.

But no, I'm not gonna go protest. Nobody should go protest... it doesn't do anything.

You know those people that, like, stand outside the White House with picket signs?

Mm-hmm.

Just completely wasting their time.

They are not wasting their time.

People protested for gay marriage in front of the White House and that worked out.

You really gonna credit that to protests?

That was more Neil Patrick Harris than anything.

Look, I'm going down there.

Come on Bobby, I'm gonna give you a ride halfway to work and you can walk the rest of the way.

'Cause I can't be seen with no pig.

_ _

I feel like we should be at the protest.

Okay, look. I'm willing to negotiate.

We'll go in here now and after I blow out the candles I'll make a little wish that black people not get sh*t by the police nearly as often, okay?

All right, if you'll excuse me, we have a surprise party to attend.

Surprise!

Oh!

(screaming happily) (laughing)

Oh! Oh!

(yells happily)

Oh, my God.

Oh, you got me good this year.

Maxine, did you know about this?

♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪
♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪

Yeah!

♪ Happy birthday! ♪ (whoops)

(horns tooting)

(laughing)

Ah. "Black lives matter"?

What's that about?

We live in a time where the police can indiscriminately...

I know what it means, Maxine.

But why are you wearing that on my baby's birthday?

Well, the police sh*t an unarmed man in West Charlotte and people are protesting downtown.

Oh... It's so exciting to see all our people down there.

Voices are being heard, change is happening...

Do you always get this giddy when somebody gets sh*t?

You guys, let's not talk about this anymore.

Let's get back to the song.

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

Oh, come on, y'all.

Jerrod, hush. This is important.

Yes, I was trying to explain to him earlier.

It's our generation's chance to be heard.

You know, here in Charlotte, you are four times more likely to be arrested if you're black than white.

Oh, Joe, I don't like those numbers.

Oh, no, no, no.

Slow down.

I hope you're not thinking about going out there.

Protests are filled with too much sexual energy.

What?!

That's right. I don't need my wife around all those rebellious black men.

Protests make you sexy. It's a fact.

That is just not a fact.

Okay, think about it: Without protests, Malcolm X was a four.

Malcolm X was a ginger.

The man was a black ginger and nobody even noticed.

Oh, he's just talking nonsense.

I loved protesting.

Oh, the electricity in the air.

The smell of change on the horizon.

The sounds of civil rights hymns.

(hums a tune)

(hums along)

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Now they're getting all worked up.

(humming continues)

Yeah, Cynthia. Oh!

You know, I'm inspired by all that stuff, too.

I'm inspired by your generation, who laid the groundwork for mine.

I almost miss the inequality of the '60s, I loved protesting that much.

Maxine: Mm-hmm.

You know, Maxine is right... these young people need to get out there and stand up for what they believe in.

I don't think anybody needs to be out there.

Thank you.

No, I watched the news this morning.

We don't have all the facts.

Now, I've seen plenty of these protests, and I'm just gonna say this: sometimes black people have a tendency to jump to conclusions.

(scoffs) Jump to conclusions?!

Well, look at you.

You read a damn T-shirt, now you're encouraging Maxine to go out there and protest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and she's, like, ready to ignore her son's birthday. You haven't even seen the news story yet.

The sad part is I don't have to see it.

Mm-hmm.

Well, okay, you know, I will say that sometimes there's a legitimate reason to protest.

But sometimes I say to myself, "Why are they running from the cops in the first place?"

Joe!

What?

I mean, you think just because he's black, he's innocent?

What? I'm just being honest about how I feel.

I thought I was in a safe place.

Maxine: Okay.

No matter what he did, he was unarmed.

So we need to make sure that people are held accountable for their actions.

And that's why we should be down there, Jerrod.

So you really think protesting makes people accountable for their actions?

Yes.

Okay, then why did I see George Zimmerman at a Dave and Busters, Maxine?

At a Dave and Busters!

You did not see George Zimmerman at Dave and Busters.

Well, I could have.

He's free enough to do it.

I mean... all I'm saying is this: like, people got all up in arms after Trayvon d*ed, and George Zimmerman's now running around the country and is probably gonna be Donald Tr*mp's running mate for president.

Well, that is why I'm going down there.

I can hear the bells of justice ringing and I'm answering the call.

Maxine, I'm gonna show you how to protest.

Yeah! Me and Cynthia.

Me and the Cynth.

Making change.

Making change and taking names.

Uh... Ah, ah, ah! Young lady...

Cynthia: Joe...

I'm going upstairs to change into my civil rights clothes.

Yeah, well, if somebody hits on you, it's gonna be another black man sh*t.

Man, it is pandemonium out there.

Oh, it's, like, thousands of people out there, man.

It is crazy. I mean, they called the National Guard.

Well, you know, Mom and Maxine are going out there, too.

Uh-uh. Y'all need to be careful, man.

Things are escalating real fast down there.

Man, in fact, I hear they rioting, too.

That's just the media. They always do this.

They just find a couple looters and make it seem like that's the entire scene, when in fact, a majority of the people are protesting peacefully.

(grunting)

Happy birthday, Jerrod.

Got you a TV, man.

Whoa!

I am thirsty. I got to get something to drink.

I've been protesting all morning.

(sighs)

Okay... so... do you guys think that she's one of the... peaceful protesters?

Oh... (scoffs) Come on.

You don't think that she would...

Oh, no, that's exactly what I think.

Okay, Bobby, you were married to her... you don't...

Yeah, she definitely did that.

Jerrod: All right, well, I'm gonna have to ask her.

No, you can't ask her.

I got $50 says she did it.

Mmm.

Oh, Nekeisha was thirsty.

Hey... hey, Nekeisha, come here, sit down.

Sit right here. Sit right here, Nekeisha.

Hey. Um... there's no easy way of asking this, but, um... did you loot that TV?

Are you asking me if I stole this TV?

Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm asking if you stole the TV.

Well, I'm offended.

I did not steal that TV.

(sighs) Oh, my God. 'Cause I was like, "What?"

Yeah, me, too. (laughs)

Me, too... me, too.

Got me.

It was already stolen when I stole it.

Come on.

Damn it, I knew it!

What? I took it from a looter. If anything, I rescued this TV.

Jerrod: Oh, come on.

You know I can't take a stolen television, Nekeisha.

But I stole it from the bottom of my heart.

You know something, Nekeisha, this TV is going back.

I cannot be an officer of the law and let this happen... it's going back.

You aren't no officer of the law.

I am an officer of the law!

You're a mall security guard!

No, I got a badge.

No, man, you don't even have a g*n.

I got mace!

You just got a flashlight, man.

You ain't the boss of me!

Okay, let's do this!

Don't you walk out my house looking that good, girl.

Oh, wow, you look amazing.

You have to look good so when they treat you bad, makes them look worse.

That's Protest 101.

Oh, and you need to have uncomfortable shoes.

You wearing those?

Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. They're-they're wedges.

All right, fine.

Come on, Maxine, let's go.

Yeah. Let's go... make a difference.

Come on, C Pound.

You know, you're trying too hard, Maxine.

Well, forget about my birthday!

Well, you're getting too damn old for your birthday anyway, son.

Welcome to being an adult.

Nobody cares if you die, nobody cares if you age, and I didn't get you a gift.

(horn toots)

What's wrong, son?

You all worked up 'cause nobody's celebrating your birthday?

Well, I'm gonna tell you the story of the day of your birth.

Now, first of all, let me just say, a lot of people have the misconception that a miracle cannot be disgusting.

Right.

Why did Mom and Maxine have to go out there now, you know?

It's not like two more protestors are gonna end racism.

So you're angry.

No, I'm not angry! I... I just don't understand why someone had to get sh*t on my birthday.

I get it.

It's shocking.

But this is nothing new.

This has been going on for a long time.

Nothing surprises me anymore.

sh**t, I was there when Ozzie Osborne bit the head off that pigeon.

Oh, I've seen a lot.

Look, I-I know it's not new.

I mean, look, being young and black in America... you're gonna get stopped by the cops.

You know, it's like jury duty.

Sometimes your number's gonna be up.

Oh... just the other week, right, I was out getting a cup of coffee.

What kind of coffee?

Why does that matter?

I'm a visual thinker, Jerrod.

Okay. Fine.

Iced coffee.

Thank you. Now I can see it.

Okay. So I was out getting iced coffee, and then, out of nowhere, these four cops came, and they pulled g*ns on me, and they forced me down to the ground, and they handcuffed me, and I, like, had a mark on my face from it hitting the sidewalk.

You know, and, uh, you know, it was all because I fit a description.

Look, son...

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

But let me ask you something.

Do you recall what you were wearing when you got stopped by the cops?

Why does it matter what I was wearing?

Just answer the question.

A hoody, if you must know.

Bingo.

What do you mean, "Bingo"?

Now, one more question: How were you walking?

What do you mean, how was I walking?

Yeah.

Get up right now and show me your walk.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you.

Go on.

Are we really gonna do this?

We are really gonna do this.

Fine, I'll show you my walk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What?!

That is one suspicious walk you got there, son.

You always walk like that?

It's my walk. It's how I walk.

Well, I'm your father and I'd never sh**t you, but that is one aggressive stroll you got.

I blame it on the hip-hop.

You know what I'm starting to realize?

I'm starting to realize it's just that type of prejudiced thinking that got me stopped by the cops in the first place.

No, this is the kind of thinking that's kept me safe all these years.

I prejudge, Jerrod.

I'm not prejudiced, but I will prejudge your behind like hell.

That's how you get through life, huh?

It's the only way to get through life.

I'm only telling you this, son, to keep you safe.

Bobby: She still loves me.

No, I don't.

Look, somebody tried to hit me in the head with a bottle, and Nekeisha caught it before it hit me.

I thought there was beer still in it.

You saved my life.

We all have our regrets.

(screams, gasps)

Give me a second.

I was running very fast. Oh.

Catch your breath. Catch your breath, baby.

Catch your breath.

Oh. Oh.

Are you okay? Where's Maxine?

The police... they put out a city-wide curfew.

Okay. And...?

The cops came, and we all ran.

Okay, but where's Maxine, Ma?

I'm telling you... this generation... they have no idea how to protest.

It was chaos.

Everybody yelling, people selling T-shirts... there were food carts.

It was like a street festival out there.

Oh, which reminds me: I brought you that Mexican corn you like.

Okay, yeah, but, Ma, where's Maxine?

There was a DJ down there.

You don't play music on a laptop at a protest!

You sing!

Everybody knows that.

That's right. Show 'em how it's done, baby.

♪ Will the circle... ♪
♪ Be unbroken ♪
♪ By and by, Lord ♪
♪ By and by... ♪

I love when you sing, Mama!

Ma, tell me, tell me... where's Maxine?

♪ There's a better ♪
♪ Place awaiting ♪
♪ In the sky, Lord ♪
♪ In... ♪
♪ The sky! ♪
♪ Ooh! ♪

(laughs)

Damn, you sexy when you protest.

Oh!

Boys, your mama left the house a ten.

She done came back a 15!

Look at you.

The sweat of justice dripping off your forehead.

I'm coming in, baby.

(laughing)

Stop. Stop. Ma, Ma, Ma... Maxine!

Maxine! Where is she?

Oh, her?

Yes.

Yes. Her.

She got arrested.

What?!

You mean they're rounding up white people now, too?

And-and you just left her? She okay? Where is she?

I had to. You should have seen how easy it was for the police to pick her up.

You got to make that girl eat more.

Nekeisha: Damn!

He mad.

I know. Look at him. He's pissed.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a little pissed, okay? All right?

My mom ignored my birthday, I was racially profiled by my father, and now my girlfriend's in jail.

So, yes, I'm a little bit pissed.

Oh, honey! Jerrod!

Oh... Jerrod, baby, listen!

I'm sorry about your girlfriend, but you got to tell her... you can't wear wedges to a protest.

You can't run in those.

Jerrod: Thanks, Ma.

I'll be sure to pass that along.

He all right.

Can't believe that I did it.

I was there.

I didn't hear about it, I didn't see it on TV, or read about it.

I had handcuffs on.

Well, actually they were just little twist-ties, but still, I was arrested protesting like Rosa Parks.

All right, all right, relax.

Pretty sure Rosa didn't stop by a Steak and Shake on the way home from jail.

You know, I had no idea your mom could hop a fence.

Mm.

All right, I, uh... I got you something.

And I know you don't like surprises, so, it's a hamburger.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you on your birthday.

I don't want you to think it was just about my birthday.

You know? I'm not that selfish.

(laughs)

I, uh, was talking to my father, and, uh, he made me realize that this whole thing hits a little... closer to home than I care to admit, you know?

I mean, that kid could've been me, Maxine.

And I know you think that protesting goes out and solves the problem, but I don't know.

This is something I have to deal with every single day.

You know I'm black, right?

Eh.

Honey, I know this is hard, but I'm so glad that you're opening up about it.

You know, we can do something about it together.

Oh, it can be something that we do every birthday.

Fighting for change.

Me and J-Man... taking names and fighting on birthdays.

We really got to work on your nicknames, Maxine.

I'm glad you're home safe.

Mm. Me, too.

And... I'm glad I get to spend the rest of my birthday lying next to the woman I love.

Mm.

(laughs)

Hey, Maxine?

Hey, before you get in the bed, you want to maybe hop in the shower, get all that prison off of you?

No!

Come on!

Joe: Okay, let's see it.

Yeah. Okay.

(all groaning, talking at once)

What?!

I never noticed that before.

I didn't raise you to walk like that, Jerrod.

What you talking about? No.

All right, there is nothing wrong with my walk.

It's just how I walk.

No, dude, you look like you're about to pull a p*stol out your boot or something.

Then let me try it.

Bobby: Okay, let's go, boy. You go. You do it.

Here we go. Let me... Mind if I...? Let me tie my shoes.

Aah! Don't you put your foot on my table!

What are you...?

Oh.

Okay, over, under, through.

All: This how Bobby tie his shoe.

(overlapping chatter)

Aw, come on!

Come on, that's just as aggressive.

Jerrod: What is that? You're like Huckleberry.

Your dad's right... you guys got some aggressive strolls.

Anybody want anything from the kitchen?

Whoa, whoa!

I'm surprised Nekeisha hasn't gotten sh*t yet.