02x19 - Think Like Peter

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: They say within the first ten seconds of a date, you can tell if you like someone.

Yeah, Betsy wasn't wrong.

I'm feeling this big-time. You?

Would you mind excusing me for a second?

Where are you going? Getting a refill on sexy?

'Cause your cup already runneth over.

Mindy: But that leaves the next three hours.

[Chuckles] No, no, just the bathroom.

This coffee tore right through me.

Mindy: I'm an adult.

I can figure a way out of this thing.

There's no back door, so there's no escaping me.

Just kidding.

Mindy: Oh, no, I'm doomed.

Oh, Dr. L, Phil said the date went well.

Well, we spent the whole weekend together.

Oh, God.

It sucked. I hate him.

But we are spending next weekend in Vermont looking at the foliage.

Phil says that it's cheaper off-season.

Oh, it's like a fairy tale.

Okay, do I have any mail?

Yes. You have something from Phil.

I can't. I can't.

You want me to open it?

Morgan: Give it to me. Give it to me.

I open all of her mail.

Don't tell her that.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Hey, min?

Oh, God. There's drama.

Okay, I got a little time before my next patient.

So hit me.

What? No.

I'm completely fine.

Actually, my back is sore because I stoop because I'm very tall.

Okay, you're sure there's nothing you want to talk about?

Because, you know, I'm a really good listener.

I'm all right.

I don't have anything to chat about.

All right, well, you know, if you want to talk about anything, I'll be in my office.

Peter, Peter, Peter!

Hmm? Come here, come here.

What's up, girl? Why you on the floor?

Oh, my God, only because my life is over.

Peter: Oh, this gon' be juicy.

Anyone have anything dramatic that happened to them that they want to talk about?

Yes. I k*lled a spider.

Wait. I brought a spider.

Nope, that's not it. That's...

I don't want to talk about that.

So you went on a coffee date with a loser.

All coffee dates are with losers.

He was just too nice, and I'm too nice.

And I can't break it off with him.

I'm probably gonna marry him.

Mindy, the reason you can't break up with Phil is not because you're too nice.

Excuse me? I saw you bring a girl to tears because she asked if you were registered to vote.

I have been asked that a million times.

The answer's always the same... I don't know!

Don't you think the reason you can't break up with Phil is because Danny broke your heart and you think that Phil is the best you can do?

He's not the worst I could do.

Look, Mindy, you deserve someone great.

Or at least someone kind of rich.

Or at least someone fun. Probably gay.

[Sighs] My kingdom for a gay husband.

And you can get it.

You just got to start thinking like a Peter.

Okay. You're welcome.

Hey, hey, pal.

Are you gonna explain that, or are you just gonna, like, walk out of here like that's your catchphrase 'cause you're famous?

Here's what you do.

You date everybody.

And as soon as you feel it going south, you cut 'em loose.

All right.

The way I've been doing things has kind of sucked.

You're absolutely right.

I am gonna start thinking like a Peter.

[Imitating peter] Okay, guys, let's go get some 'za.

Let's funnel beers until we yak.

Okay, it's think like a Peter, not talk like a Peter.

[Door shuts]

Peter: Hey, Mindy, I'm heading out.

Gonna try to find a hot chick or two uggos.

You want to come?

It's fleet week, so the odds of you getting some are pretty bananas.

That does sound pretty fun, and you do look cute in that popeye hat.

But I can't.

I'm only on page five of my breakup letter to Phil.

What are you doing?

In the time it took you to write this, you could have ripped through two other dudes.

I have to tell him something.

You know, we promised we would never lie to each other.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, God.

Oh! No!

You can't text him.

You got to give him radio silence.

I can't. Give me my phone back.

You need to start being selfish.

Have you learned nothing from wolf of Wall Street?

Yeah, I learned a lot from wolf of Wall Street, which is how to do every single drug known to man.

Clearly, you weren't paying attention to Jordan's struggle.

He's a bad dude, and now he's a motivational speaker, who hangs out with Leonardo DiCaprio...

I just don't think it's fair.

But he was doing a lot of good.

You spend way too much time defending Jordan Belfort.

[Cell phone chimes] Radio silence.

I can't do it. Give me the phone, Peter.

Radio silence.

Danny: Chicken breast, grilled, no seasoning...

Just what this doctor ordered.

How can there not be a Kn*fe with a chicken breast?

What's wrong with these people?

Oh, my God! [Screams]

Don't you knock?

It's a pantry!

Get the hell out! Get out!

Get out of here!

It's a pantry.

[Cell phone chiming] Peter, I hate this feeling.

No, no, no, no, no. I have to text him. Just one text.

It's good for you to feel out of control.

Please, Peter. He'll think I'm mean.

I obviously am, but no one can know. No, no, no.

Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me.

Oh, my God.

Like that, he's out of my life.

Mm-hmm.

Peter, thank you.

What can I say?

I know how to ruin a relationship.

Well, now what?

Now you and I go out.

Gangnam style!

At some point, you're gonna have to try to help yourself, okay?

Mindy: Oh, that guy is cute.

Peter: Oh, you mean the guy adjusting his wig?

So a guy with a wig is so much worse than a guy pretending to be a sailor?

Oh, yeah.

Just pick a normal guy.

I mean, what about that guy over there, huh?

[Romantic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, he's way too handsome for me.

And look at that girl he's talking to.

She's crazy hot. Oh, my God, Peter.

She has her legs crossed on her barstool.

Okay? Who does that?

If I tried to do that, I'd humpty-dumpty right off of here.

I'd be like, "whoa." Whoa.

Can you stop being a dork?

Look, you just gotta go over there and talk to him.

Give me your best line.

Have you seen a pair of panties anywhere?

Okay. 'Cause I think I dropped mine.

'Cause the elastic on the waist wore off.

Let's try something else.

What would you want to say to him?

I'm really heartbroken, and it would be nice to talk to someone.

Okay, so that's not gonna work either.

How about you say this?

Dr. C, I'm really sorry that you just saw that.

Plus, I'm still with Ray Ron.

I should just resign.

12 months' severance sounds fair.

No, no, you don't have to resign.

But do you want to talk about it?

What?

Well, you know, you're still with Ray Ron, and you have feelings for Morgan.

I mean, you must be freaking out.

Maybe you should lie down on the floor, and you could talk about it.

That sometimes is helpful, right?

Dr. C wants to talk to me about my problems.

What is this, some kind of trap?

Like when those Saudi guys try to get you on their party boat?

No, I just have a lot of experience with emotional women talking at me about their problems.

Oh, Dr. Lahiri?

What? No.

No. Other doctors.

Women doctors. Women.

Okay.

Oh. Terrific.

Peter: All right, you're ready.

Now go over there and do exactly what I told you.

My boobs are okay?

They're as great as they're gonna be.

Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, personally, I hate gentrification.

Excuse me, sorry, I just need to order a drink.

Hey, bartend, could I have a whiskey neat?

Thank you. Sure.

God, I love the taste of whiskey.

It's bad for me, but I just can't help it 'cause it tastes so delicious, you know?

Are you talking to me?

I'm not talking to myself.

Cheers. Okay.

[Gags]

That was a lot on my face. I'm so sorry, I just...

I think this is... Can you drink this?

I spat it out because taste it.

It's whiskey.

I'm very sorry.

But now we drank from the same cup.

Hey, do you mind, um...

Oh, God. I know.

Hey, you know what?

I think you should thank me for saving you from that thing.

Thank you so much.

Maybe buy me a drink?

Um, I'm not quite sure what you're doing.

I was trying out this kind of cool, new aggressive way to hit on a guy.

And you liked it? Not really.

Fair enough.

I'm very sorry.

I'm not gonna take that. Yeah, I'd leave that.

Mindy: Great, Peter. He thinks I suck.

Peter: What are you doing?

Mindy: I told you he was too hot.

Peter: No, go back there.

I should've told him about my worn-out panties.

Peter: Just walk back over like a normal person.

Fine, I'll go back.

Go! I'll go back.

Hey. Can I apologize to you?

Here's what happened to me.

My heart was broken, and it's made me kind of weird, and this is not me at my best.

I'm very sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?

Don't go. Okay?

Can I buy you a drink?

Are you serious? Thanks.

Cool.

My mother was insane, so I'm kind of attracted to this.

Not that I want to sleep with my mother.

That was weird how that came out.

Look, now we're at the same level of embarrassment.

Because it was... at one point, we were at the same...

Please don't drink that. [Spits]

Oh, my God. All right.

When a girl I know is trying to make a decision, she makes a pro/con list.

Oh, Dr. Lahiri?

Um, Ray Ron has nine tattoos.

Pro.

That... we'll say that's a pro.

Ray Ron with one pro.

And now Morgan.

I really like Morgan.

He's cute, he's nice, all pros.

No cons.

I mean, he's an ex-con, but that's a pro.

I don't know if that's...

That's a pro. Okay.

I choose Morgan.

Well, let me just say something about that.

You guys work together, so, you know, let me tell you, that never works.

Dr. C, Morgan challenges me as a person and as a nurse.

I don't go, "oh, God," when people have really high blood pressure anymore.

Trust me, you don't want to be challenged, especially by someone you work with every day.

You don't want that.

Look, Tamra, I think Ray Ron's the guy for you.

I guess I need to think about it.

Yeah, you think about it.

So this ex-boyfriend of yours, you m*rder*d him, right?

Just based on your behavior so far.

This is someone you k*lled.

Believe me, I have wanted to, but, no, never k*lled anybody.

Any person.

And by person, are you implying that you've k*lled animals before?

No, I'm not like a Dexter, like, serial m*rder*r.

You insinuated person, though.

[Laughing] Yeah, yeah, I did.

That was weird.

Look, I'm having a really good time.

Do you want... do you want to continue this someplace else?

To another location?

Yeah, maybe, like, my place. I don't know.

Your place. Kind of. Sure.

Mindy: My place has just been de-roached.

[Cell phone chimes] I'm so sorry.

I just got a work email.

Hold on one second. Yeah. Of course.

[Cell phone chimes]

Everything okay? Yes.

Um, I can't hang out tonight because I have to go to work tomorrow.

Sure. That's too bad.

It was really nice talking to you, Mindy.

I hope your heart mends soon.

Thank you.

[Cell phone chimes]

Hey, blow off whatever you're doing tomorrow.

I'm going to, and I teach first grade.

I like you. We're hanging out.

[Mouthing]

Good morn...

Lee?

Was it worth it?

Was it worth making your roommate sleep on the fire escape, so you could have sex with some random guy?

Okay, you are not my roommate.

You are my guest sent here to protect me, and you've stayed here for quite some time.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just wish that he had said good-bye, you know.

Well, you're not the only one with problems.

I think Tamra and I are done.

We've actually kind of been hooking up a little bit.

Oh, my God, Morgan.

I know, I've always been so into black women.

I used to watch 227 when I was a boy.

I fell in love with Jackee.

He left his scarf. Great.

Do you know what this means?

Does that mean I can have it?

No, it means he wants to see me again.

Okay, it's just... I never had a scarf.

Hey, Dr. C. hey.

I would like to apologize.

You will never see me kiss Tamra again.

Neither will I, because she got back together with her boyfriend of 20 years, Reagan Ronald.

[Sighs] Morgan.

Morgan, I am so sorry.

We had so much fun together. Yeah.

Played scrabble, and she was helping me with my vocabulary.

Yeah. She was teaching you to read.

What? What?

I'm a registered nurse, dude.

Yes, of course you know how to read.

You just have that fun, huckleberry finn, I-don't-know-how-to-read energy.

All right. That's a good save.

Look, for what it's worth, office romances, they never work.

They never work.

They're like foreign cars. Am I right?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

I just want to dye... What?

My hair blond and move, I don't know, back to Atlanta.

Is there anything I can do, anything to cheer you up?

If you took me to lunch, I'd be the happiest guy in the world, but that's crazy.

No, no, no, no, no. Lunch it is.

All right. It's a date.

All right, great. Hey, min.

You got a sec? I got some pretty hot gossip.

I don't, Danny. Maybe later?

Okay. Your loss.

Real spicy stuff.

I'm talking habanero.

Hey, bets, what's going on with spidergate?

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Peter, I had sex with that guy last night.

Hey!

And when I woke up in the morning, he was gone.

Guys are such jerks.

Better luck next time, huh?

Wait, what? More like best luck this time.

'Cause, check it out, he left this at my place.

Congratulations, you got a free scarf?

Don't you think you wear enough men's clothing as is?

No, he left this at my place because he wants to see me again.

It's a classic Cinderella move.

I do this to guys I like all the time.

Mindy, you got your dip wicked.

Ugh. Give yourself a high five, a pat on the backskis, and move on.

Peter, maybe he's not a sketcho like you.

You know, maybe he's a romantic.

Look, any time a guy leaves something at a girl's house, it's a mistake.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you.

Fine, Peter, if you feel 100% certain that he is not trying to send me a message, then good.

But if he bumps into freida pinto at the laundromat and they hit it off, may God have mercy on your soul.

Okay, Mindy, maybe your one-night stand is trying to track you down.

Maybe he's the one guy on earth that's nothing like me.

And, you know what, Peter, I heard his message, and I'm gonna find him.

You'll see.

I'll see, and you'll see.

You'll see because you're coming with me.

'Cause I can't go find him by myself.

I don't want to get k*lled.

Morgan: Dr. C, before we get lunch, I need to confront someone real quick.

Back me up. Back me up. Back me up. Back me up.

Where are you going? Ray Ron.

Hi, Morgan and Dan. What up?

Happy earth day.

You here for the discount recycled paper?

Look, Ray Ron, I got to come clean.

You don't have to do this right now.

I do. Don't do this.

I do. I do.

A gentleman kisses, then tells.

Listen, Ray Ron...

[Clears throat]

Tamra and I were kissing in a sensual manner.

Now, if you want to break up with her or you want to punch me in the face, you do it.

Just do it.

No, no, no.

Oh, God! Oh, don't hit me in the face!

Morgan, don't trip.

I make out with people all the time.

As long as there's no 'tration, we good.

Oh, my God.

In fact, we better than good.

'Cause this whole thing brought me and Tamra closer than ever.

Okay, great, well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.

Morgan, we have that reservation at the steakhouse.

Dr. C, Dr. C, I need to thank you.

Oh, no, you don't have to thank me for anything.

No, no, I do, 'cause you convinced Tamra to stay with me.

What?

[Children laughing]

"Then mbute the spider said to akuna the jackal, 'I can't follow you. You're the village trickster.'"

Lee, I know there's no talking during story time, and I'm sorry, but there's a lady waving at you.

Oh, God, not again.

Hey, Lee!

How's it going? What are you... What are you doing here?

Well, I got your message loud and clear.

Okay, is that my scarf?

Mm-hmm. I'm gonna take that.

Thanks so much.

And with that scarf, you were sending me a message.

Like Cinderella, and I found you.

And I'm the Prince, ironically.

Do you know the story of cinderell...

Lee: Please don't talk to the kids.

Yeah, I think you really need to go.

But you left it for me, so I'd come and find you, right?

Did you leave it at her apartment as an accident or on purpose?

Yeah, it was an accident.

But on some level, like, your heart wanted you to leave it there, so I would...

My heart left it there accidentally.

Every part of it was an accident.

Yeah. Okay.

Ooh, hey, Mindy.

You want to see me again?

You're not a parent here, are you?

Of one of the children?

'Cause six strikes, and I'm out.

Am I a parent here? Okay.

Do I look like a parent?

Are you kidding me?

Kids, it's okay.

Making love to a... Thank you for taking her away.

What's the matter with you?

Okay. Huh? What's...

It's okay, kids. Don't rip that down.

[School bell rings] Peter: Screw him.

He's too stupid to teach second grade.

You could do so much better than him.

Or at least you can do better than him.

Can I? I wasn't good enough for Danny.

And now I'm not good enough for this guy?

I don't know, Peter, I think I should just give up and date the next Melvin that asks me out.

My name is Melvin.

What are you up to tonight?

Nothing, actually.

You like street festivals?

Kind of. Mindy, come on.

We're going back in there.

Hey, kotter, we need to talk.

It is drawing time, you guys!

You do not interrupt drawing time. Let's go.

Interrupting drawing time. Are you out of your minds?

Now I want to hear an apology out of you, and I want it directed to her.

You want me to apologize? For what? Yeah.

We were both consenting adults.

In fact, I was the one who was pushed into doing things... A lot of things.

Okay, don't you try to act like you're the victim.

I woke up to nothing in my bed.

Do you know how that felt?

Well, some things, like a bunch of magazines, a cookie tin, a bottle of sriracha, and a sleeping bag.

My diet pills, my birth control, but not you.

Hold on, you keep a sleeping bag in your bed?

That's really sad.

I thought we had something.

You know, he played me his guitar app.

You told me that your dad was bisexual.

Are you kidding? [Scoffs]

You said that you felt invincible.

Invinc... no, no, no. I said "invisible."

I was buried under a pile of stuff on your bed.

If that's the case, then I am sorry.

No, Mindy, you do not apologize to him.

This guy took advantage of your heartbreak, and that is a low move.

That is disgusting.

That is exactly the thing that I would do.

Am I a d*ck?

Does everyone think I'm a d*ck?

Yeah, are you just realizing that now?

Oh, God.

Excuse me. Do you have a hall pass?

Oh, you know what, Edgar? They're fine.

They're with me. Oh, my God.

Hmm?

Is that a wedding ring?

Is this a... You're married?

[Clicks tongue, blows]

Where'd it go? No, no.

It's still on your hand. Technically, it's a wedding band, not a ring.

How could you do that?

Now I'm the other woman?

This is exactly what I was listening to last night.

I can't do this again.

Okay, you know what? This is really...

Hey, hey, hey. Oh, my God.

Danny: You know what, Morgan, punch me in the face.

After what I did, staten rules, come on.

One free pop. Go ahead. Do it.

I don't want to punch you in the face, Dr. Castellano.

What do you mean, "Dr. Castellano"?

What happened to "Dr. C"?

Just because we work together doesn't mean we have to be friends, Dr. Castellano.

Stop saying that.

It's your name, and I would like you to refer to me as nurse tookers, R.N.

Here's our stop.

Okay, but look, look, Morgan, I don't want to leave unless I know we're good.

Oh, I'm good. Okay.

Good at being mad at you.

Look, I'm sorry. I owe you an apology, Mindy.

For pantsing me in the cafeteria?

Yeah, that was not cool.

No, no, no, no, no. That was classic.

No, for getting you involved in this whole thing.

I mean, you deserve better than Lee, and Danny's being an idiot.

Yeah, but I really feel like...

Can I finish my thought?

I know I paused, but I just... I have a little more to say.

Yeah, okay. That's a little rude, but yeah.

All this time, I've been telling you to think like a Peter, but I think I need to start thinking like a Mindy.

Really? It's mostly just me trying to remember where I left my phone.

You're a romantic, and that's good.

It just means you'll probably date a few extra losers, randos, and pervs. God.

But I really do think you'll be rewarded for it in the end.

That's a very nice thing to say.

I mean, not rewarded romantically.

But, like, rewarded like, "oh, look, there's two bags of chips in the vending machine."

Shut up, Peter.

Phil: Drink up, gorgeous.

Hey.

Mindy.

Come to stomp on my dignity in person, have you?

Well, go ahead.

I have no more tears to give.

Oh, my God, you cried?

Ask my mom.

I was on the phone with her all night.

God, okay. I'm sorry.

It was not cool to blow you off.

No one deserves to be treated like that.

I think the hardest part was the not knowing why.

Okay, I apologized, so...

Accepted.

May I be so bold as to invite thee to dinner?

You know what, Phil? I'm not really in a place where I should be dating anyone.

I think I'm still hung up on the last guy I was with, so maybe we could be friends?

Oh, I get it. We could be friends.

Yes. Well, I would love that.

And when you're ready to start dating again...

No. No. Okay.

Phil, I just don't see a world where that's...

Okay. No, no, seriously, though, I'm not... Okay.

I... it doesn't matter.

Bye, Mindy.

Danny: Is Mindy here?

No, she left for the day.

Okay.

[Phone ringing] Sally: Hello?

Hey, Sally, it's Danny.

I thought I had something at work, but, as it turns out, I got a lucky break, and I'm free.

Hey, so do you really do that Cinderella thing where you leave earrings at a guy's place?

What? Of course not. That would be crazy.

Yeah.

Sally: Anything interesting happen at work?

Not really.

Ooh, I love this show.

It's got a really fat guy and a really skinny guy.