03x08 - Diary of a Mad Indian Woman

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Oh, my God!

Danny, she gone, and I think Ben Affleck did it.

What are you doing? Scooch over.

Oh, I thought tonight I would sleep on this side of the bed.

What? No, ever since I was a kid, I always sleep on the right side.

It went Richie, Ma, me.

Well, at my home, this side is actually my side of the bed.

You can tell because of the enormous breast dents in the mattress.

But, because we never spend the night there, I never get to sleep in it.

All right, fine. Just turn on my noise machine.

I can't sleep without the music of the docks.

Okay.

There it is.

Oh, for Pete's sake, what's the matter with you?

Are you a fisherman?

Night.

Good night.

What the hell?

Hmm?

Oh, my meat sticks.

Yeah, I need protein.

I exert a lot of energy when I'm sleeping, dreaming that I'm winning the Olympics.

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

See how we both get to sleep on the right side.

I like it. It's like Yin and Yang.

Hmm?

Okay.

Hey, I'm the white half. Did you hear me?

Ticky, ticky! Ticky, ticky, ticky!

[Chuckling]

Stop tickling me.

Ticky, ticky, ticky, ticky... ow!

Oh, boy!

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

No, Ray Rice!

I didn't mean it.

You don't kick your girlfriend!

You were tickling me!

[Upbeat music]

The Mindy Project - 03x08 Diary of a Mad lndian Woman So wait, why do you already own that?

What happened to your eye?

Danny kicked me in the face.

You're making it sound like it wasn't an accident.

Oh, was it an accident, Danny?

I don't know because my brain doesn't work, 'cause it's still healing from getting kicked in the face.

I do know that this kind of thing wouldn't happen if you spent the night at my place, ever.

I tried spending the night at your place, but I was immediately b*rned by the steam sh**ting out of your busted radiator.

Oh, you hate steam, but you'll watch a four hour documentary on old faithful?

Me? I'd love to go to Dr. I's.

I mean, all I get to do is go to her place every night for turn down service.

Okay, fine. Yes, tonight, I'll stay at your place.

Really?

Yes.

Ha-ha! Victory, sucker!

Wow, come on.

She got you.

She got me.

We are going to have the best time.

Dr. L, that woman you made out with called and wants to see you.

Damn it, Beverly!

Her name is Dr. Fishman and she's the chief of obstetrics, okay?

She's our boss.

Fine, our boss you made out with wants to see you.

Hey, Jean.

Have you seen the show Black-ish?

I think you'd like it.

Zip it and sit.

Yeah.

Your name was signed in to do rounds with the interns last night.

But who did I actually find working with them?

Me?

Dr. Prentice.

Okay, so has he been forging your name on this paperwork?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He would never do that.

That was Dr. Reed.

He can actually forge all of our signatures.

It's pretty cool.

I mean, do you think I would actually sign a petition to raise minimum the wage?

What? So Morgan can eat caviar?

I don't think so.

You know that being affiliated with a teaching hospital means you actually have to teach, right?

Yeah, but honestly, Jean, aren't I too young to teach?

I mean, look at me.

I think the students would be very confused.

They'd be like, "she's our teacher?

"She should be the star of her own Disney show.

I'm not gonna listen to her, she's too hot!"

The students in this program are mostly women.

They need strong female role models.

If you don't teach, your practice could lose it's affiliation with this hospital.

You remember what happened to Tribeca Gynecology?

Or should I say Detroit Gynecology and check cashing?

Yeah, fine, I'll, make a difference.

Good, because you don't have a choice.

You start tonight.

Oh, tonight is not good for me because my boyfriend... be supposed to stay over.

"Blah, blah, blah," don't care, good-bye.

Okay.

[Knock at door]

Coming!

Hello, my love.

Welcome back to paradise.

Oh, God.

It's like Grey Gardens in here.

Okay.

I'll be smothered by a collapsing tower of Tchotchkes.

Okay, that's very dramatic.

And you don't have to complain so much.

My apartment is not that different than yours, Danny.

You have your piano. I have a children's xylophone.

[Random xylophone notes]

Oh! In addition to my musical instruments, to distract us, we also have sex.

Give me!

Oh, wow.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

Can we even do this?

I thought you had to teach residents.

Mm, I did.

But my hot boyfriend spending the night was priority.

So I had someone cover for me.

A very distinguished colleague and woman of color.

Who?

Good evening, fine pupils.

I'm Dr. Tamra Webb, and I am honored, elated, nay, overjoyed to man the helm of this exquisite ship called "your education."

Should we move into the bedroom?

[Phone rings]

Hold on.

No, no.

Don't get it. You've got Mindy.

Have you lost your damn mind?

Oh, Jean, hi.

Why is your Nurse here performing inspirational poetry for my interns?

No, no, no, no, she's the opening act.

I am the headliner.

You better get down here, and get down here now, or the only thing you'll be delivering are boxes.

Why? 'Cause you'll be working at the post office.

Very elaborate burn, Jean.

Okay, I will be right there.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, I'll be back soon.

Just amuse yourself in my palace.

Make yourself at home.

Okay, go. I'll be fine here.

"Prince George's hottest diaper looks."

Oh, that is such a good one.

Don't lose my bookmark.

I love you, I'll be back soon.

Okay, see you in a bit.

That's crap.

[Cat meowing]

What's your problem?

Green tea body wash? Mother's milk breast cleanser?

Come on! What about some regular shampoo?

What the hell are these balls?

[Low buzzing]

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, come on!

[Buzzing continues]

Oh, Mindy's got the same neck massager as Ma.

"Mindy's diary."

Oh, Nelly.

Mindy: Always late, but worth the wait.

Hi, everybody. My name's Dr. Lahiri.

I am your real teacher.

And let me assure you, this will not be one of those situations where I end up learning more from you.

Dr. Lahiri, Thomas Jamil Gigak, you can call me TJ.

It's an honor to be working with you.

TJ was number one in his class at Harvard Medical.

He's basically like Doogie Howser, except, you know, of a normal age.

Peter, you're making my ear hot.

Our patient is Mary Molloy, age 39, suffering from a torsed ovary.

Thank you TJ.

All right, who here can tell me what "torsed" means?

Mm, it means that her ovaries are...

Oh, you know what? TJ, actually, the way that this works is that I call on the person and they answer.

Why waste your time when you know that I know the answer.

I'm not afraid of wasting my time as you will all soon find out.

Okay, Butler, what does "torsed" mean? Go.

I... I will... I'm gonna pick the person, okay?

Uh, how about you? Tiny frightened girl.

Do you know the answer?

Excellent choice. That's Candace Lee.

She was ranked 82 at the University of Minnesota.

She's a golden girl...

Okay, you're like, in my ear.

You're inside of my ear.

Candace, would you like to answer?

A um, torsed ovary means your ovary has twisted on itself?

Is that a question or an answer?

Because if it's an answer, it's correct.

Peter: Very good.

So, what should we do?

We'll be performing a simple laparoscopic surgery to uncoil it.

Peter: Boom!

Mindy: "October 16, 2007.

Today was the first day of my residency, and hallelujah!

My program's filled with smoking hot dudes.

There's this one guy, Danny, he's so handsome.

His lips are plump like boiled hot dogs.

Damn it, now I'm hungry."

Mrs. Molloy, your ovaries are in good hands.

One of my all-equally-qualified interns will be assisting me in the procedure.

But I like him. The man.

His confidence reminds me of a young, black Burt Reynolds.

Can he do it?

Yeah, him, or someone like him.

You know, actually, confidence contributes to high mortality rates.

Learned that the hard way.

Mm.

Oh! You know who should help me, is my intern Candace.

Are you crazy? She's the worse one by far.

You just have to get to know her.

You will love her.

Candace?

Ca... where's Candace?

Candace, come here. I'm gonna go get her.

Because handholding is part of teaching.

[Whispering] What the hell? You're embarrassing me.

Mrs. Molloy, this is Candace, the intern I was raving about.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Damn it, Candace.

Mindy: "Dear diary, may 11, 2012.

Oh, my God, I had a hot sex dream about that jerk, Danny Castellano, last night.

What if I get turned on when I look at him?

Ugh, that cute little tush.

Like two scrumptious empanadas.

Damn it, now I'm hungry."

Way to go, Danny Junior.

All scrubbed in. Listen, very excited and humbled to take the lead on this one.

Wait, what?

Mindy: You are not taking the lead on this one.

Damn it!

I told you that Candace was doing the surgery, not you.

Dr. Lahiri, Mrs. Molloy specifically asked for me to perform the surgery.

Now, I just don't want to see you get in trouble because Candace is ill-equipped.

Oh, you don't wanna see me get in trouble?

Listen, Poindexter, this attitude of yours, it might've worked in whatever enclave of entitlement you came from...

I'm from Harlem, my parents are from the Sudan.

The... in Africa?

Yeah.

Look, I'm very... I did not know that.

I'm very sorry.

This is my O.R. and what I say goes.

And if you don't like it, tough.

You know what they call me around here?

They call me sarge.

Tamra: Actually, that didn't stick.

We still call you meatball.

You better listen to meatball!

Yeah, you better listen to meatball.

Now just watch and learn.

I don't wanna hear about this any more.

Candace!

Mindy: "Oh, my God, Danny kissed me on the plane!

It was the moment I had dreamed of for years.

I was so excited I didn't even finish watching Beverly Hlls chihuahua afterwards."

Turn down service!

Oh! Morgan!

What'd you do?

Oh, no. This is bad.

Holy Mackerel! This is Dr. I's diary!

No kidding, Morgan.

Does she mention me?

This is serious, okay?

I'm sorry, bud. There's no way out of this.

I mean, unless you somehow made a copy of the diary.

And for that you would need someone who could forge Dr. I's handwriting.

And the only person who could do that is, I don't know, Dr. Reed, but he's all the way at work.

So you are screwed.

Wait a minute, you're right, Morgan.

Jeremy's the answer.

To what?

No, I won't do it.

Okay? When I got my calligrapher's license, I swore I would only use it for good.

You know what? Fine. You know what? Don't help me.

I'll just tell Mindy that I read her diary she'll dump me, we'll have a messy break-up, and all work will come to a halt for a couple of years.

I've already stopped working.

Oh, dear God, it will be the Falklands all over again.

Yeah, it will be. What are the Falklands?

What do you mean when you say Falk...

Mindy: Hey, you guys!

[All three startled]

Oh! Hey, babe.

Wow, so we're hanging out in Jeremy's office, huh?

Cool. Have I ever been in here?

Get out.

Excuse me?

We're having a private men's salon.

Stay, leave.

Jeremy: Do leave, though.

Okay, well, that's all very rude.

I'm sorry. Oh, I was looking for you.

I am so sorry that I didn't make it home last night.

Did you find anything to do?

Oh yeah, he did. [Laughing]

No, it's fine. I didn't find anything personal, I just found a book lying around and I read it.

Oh, Great Sexpectations, the Kim Cattrall book.

Yes.

So good. Page-Turner, right?

He's a Samantha.

I'm a Samantha.

Big time.

Aren't we all?

I am!

Quite.

Yeah.

What a nerd. Come here, you.

You're such a good boyfriend.

As a reward, I think tonight we should spend the night at your place.

You're gonna spend the night at my place?

That helps us out so much.

Yeah that's perfect for...

That works.

Okay, well, later haters!

All right, later... that's funny.

"Later haters."

"Later hater" yourself.

Isn't that funny, "later haters," that's cute.

Jeremy: Its rhymes.

Oh, my God, we almost blew it.

What is wrong with us?

Now we're all in on the lie.

Dan: Jeremy, come on. You're my only hope.

Fine, fine. Well, I better get started.

Oh, hello, Dr. Fishman.

I know why you're here.

You heard that my mentee, Candace, performed her first successful surgery last night.

Now that I'm a teacher I will be taking summers off.

A student just filed a sexism complaint against you, Mindy!

Wait, what?

Was it TJ?

God, I can't believe he called me a sexist.

Is it possible he said "sexy"?

This is serious. We cannot have a prominent male intern thinking that this department is being run by mean, man-hating lesbians.

I'm not a mean lesbian.

Neither am I.

I'll have you know that at my last hospital I was voted the nicest lesbian.

Congratulations.

You need to fix this, and you need to fix it when?

Now.

Okay, going.

You're not winning any nice lesbian awards this year.

What was that?

Nothing, nothing, I said nothing.

Hey, TJ. You're a gym rat too.

Hey, did this treadmill just ask my weight?

Rude.

So now you're ready to give your star intern some attention.

Pssh, you wish.

I'm just here for the joy of running, like you.

In college they used to call me Flojo.

More so because of my period, but still.

Dr. Lahiri, it's not gonna work, okay?

My complaint's legit.

And I am not gonna be bullied by the oppressive matriarchal establishment that you...

Okay, that is enough!

Aah!

Dr. Lahiri, I worked really hard to get here, okay?

I paid my way through school by washing dishes and selling an app to Microsoft.

And just because you see yourself in some girl, I'm getting passed over?

Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, Junior.

I don't see myself in Candace.

I see myself in you.

What?

Yeah. Top of my class, big mouth, flawless chocolate skin, banging body.

Yeah.

You are smarter than the other students, and sure, they're probably gonna become cruise ship Doctors.

But you have to let them have a chance too.

Why?

If you're a doctor that doesn't know how to get along with other people, then you're a bad doctor.

Look, just apologize to Candace.

You were a real turd to her the other day.

Okay.

But only if you apologize for drinking all of my sports drink.

This? Oh, no, no.

I've had this for years.

Jeremy: Oh!

Danny: What? What'd you read?

The list where she ranks the races?

I know, it's chilling.

I shouldn't be reading this.

This is none of my business.

Yeah, no. It's none of your business, but it's our business.

Read it, Dr. Reed.

Fine.

"Dear diary, tonight, I had the most.."

Mindy: "Wonderful date with Danny.

We went for a long walk in the moonlight.

And then, when we got back home, Danny got down on one knee and said..."

[Gasps]

Mindy kuhel lahiri...

Oh, my God.

Did you vote for Deblasio?

What?

Because if you did, this is what you're gonna get.

Trash on the street.

Ugh. Man.

"Mindy: I know it sounds crazy, but I really thought he was gonna propose.

We've been dating for months, and he doesn't even like spending the night at my place.

And even though I'm built like a 15-year-old, I'm not getting any younger.

If he doesn't propose by Christmas, I might have to move on."

Marriage?

Marriage? I mean, we've only been dating for seven months.

I mean, that... that's a little bit crazy, right, guys?

Both: Mm...

I don't know if I'd call it crazy.

Yeah, I mean, you're both turning 50 soon, and let's be honest, you're something of an acquired taste.

And what I'm saying is, you're out of options.

That's ridiculous.

My barista puts hearts on my coffee cup.

Sure, you've only been dating for seven months, but you've known each other for seven years.

That is a common law marriage.

Like I have with my houseman, Pao.

Don't you un... what?

Oh, hello, fellow sexist!

Okay.

You know, for the world's biggest sexist never to have a complaint filed against him, I'd say you must've done something pretty bad.

Okay, it doesn't matter, it's all fixed now.

I talked to TJ and I explained to him the importance of encouraging quieter students like Candace.

Oh.

Oh, there they are now.

[Indistinct chatter]

Whoa!

Candace!

She really has taken after you.

Yeah, she wants me to propose by Christmas.

It's not right.

It's too much pressure on the Lord's birthday.

I mean, you think that's crazy, right?

Of course it's crazy!

You should break up with her.

What? No! No.

I'm not doing that.

We just went 50-50 on a unisex raincoat.

She's old, Danny.

You can practically hear the last egg rattling around in there.

Ma! Come on!

You don't string along a girl her age.

If you know you're not gonna propose, you gotta end it.

[Phone chimes]

Her place. What?

The diary.

I gotta go, Ma. I love you.

Where you go... what? Now?

What... look at the mess here.

So what if the patient is afebrile and not tachycardic?

Dr. Lahiri?

Yes.

Uh, I think Candace probably knows the answer to that.

Thank you, Gigak.

Candace?

I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

What was the question?

Oh, great.

Candace is still lame and you broke TJ.

I know, I know, okay.

Hey, come here. I need to talk to you for a second.

What the hell was that? You need to focus.

You can't get distracted by boys, you're never gonna be the best.

Leave me alone!

If being the best means being a bossy stressed-out spinster, then no thanks.

You had that one locked and loaded, huh?

What's the matter with you?

I believed in you.

And I believe in nothing, okay?

I'm very disappointed, Candace.

This mentorship is over.

Leave the signed headshot I gave you on my desk.

Get out of here, I don't wanna look at you.

Everyone, I'm done.

I can't do this any more.

Okay, she's agitated and calling it a day, work-wise.

This is gonna happen a lot.

Thank you, Peter.

Tell me it's done.

Finito.

It is done?

Finito is ltalian for done.

Thank you. [Phone buzzes]

Dr. Lahiri, I am impressed.

With what? My hair?

It's not even mine.

It's from a dead woman.

I'm impressed with your teaching.

How? I tried to mentor Candace and I made her worse.

They can't all be top of class.

I mean, for every Sanjay Gupta there's a dozen Michael Jackson Doctors.

Really?

But you did mentor someone tonight.

Just not the person you thought you were mentoring.

Oh, my God, all along, the person I was mentoring was me.

No, that's stupid.

TJ. The person you were mentoring was TJ.

Oh, my God!

All along, the person I was mentoring was TJ.

That's what I just said.

You are so damn wise, Jean.

You are wiser than your years.

Actually, maybe your as wise as your years.

How old are you?

Most real lesbians are like, in their 40s, right?

That's something I've noticed.

Settle.

You got one thing right, but 1,000 things wrong.

Don't get a big head about it.

Too late, I'll never remember the wrong things and I'll only remember the right thing.

Thanks.

Unh!

Thanks.

What the hell, man?

There's like, no toppings on here.

Right there. I'm just gonna do it myself.

So sorry about that.

[Elevator dings]

[Random xylophone notes]

Hey!

Hey.

Why are you so out of breath?

Nothing.

Oh, were you, uh... I love that.

I love that you feel so at home that you can do that here.

What? No, no, no. I don't feel at home, okay?

It's too early to feel at home.

I actually get that.

When I first moved here, I hated it.

Thought it was haunted.

Turns out, it was actually the whistle that my nose made while I slept.

It's not that.

I don't think you realize what a big step it is for me to stay over at your apartment.

Yeah, I don't.

Because I practically live at your apartment.

Danny, my clothes basically all smell like leather and vegetables.

Look, I want to be comfortable here, I really do, but I...

I tried staying at another girl's apartment, and I thought it was gonna be nice, but it turned out to be awful.

And now you're putting all this pressure on me with these timelines.

What timeline?

I just asked if you wanna spend the night.

That's a very short timeline.

Hey, um, I'm really exhausted, and I have not slept in two days.

So just decide.

Do you wanna stay or do you wanna go?

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

All right, good night.

Bye.

[Knock at door]

Mindy: It's open!

For the last time, lock your door!

And keep it locked!

So you're staying?

I'm here, aren't I?

Now scooch over. You're on my side.