03x17 - Danny Castellano Is My Nutritionist

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: It's so great to be back in New York in the winter, curling up in a warm bed next to the one you love.

The only problem is, I'm pregnant and morning sick as hell.

[retches and coughs]

Oops. Sorry, Bible.

[clears throat]

You all right?

Where were we?

Uh...

Okay.

Just go brush your teeth.

Okay.

Mindy: And for something called morning sickness, it sure happens all the damn time.

Morgan: Hey, guys. I'm testing out a new look.

What do you guys think?

[retches]

Lady at the hat store said the same thing.

Mindy: On the positive side, morning sickness teaches you how to make all of New York your personal barf bag.

Babe.

[retches]

Mindy: Fortunately, my constant ralphing is only bringing Danny and me closer together.

Hey, you looking at my Little League trophy?

Uh-huh.

You know, I was the best player on the team, and we had some Dominicans.

Cool.

Did you barf in it?

Yeah.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Danny.

It's only a second-place trophy, though, right?

I hate to see you like this.

You know, Castellano babies always cause morning sickness.

We have a saying in my family: First they make you puke; Then they wreak havoc on your birth canal.

[knock at door]

Hi.

Hey, buddy.

Dr. L, everyone knows about your condition.

[imitates gagging]

All right, Morgan, let's wrap this up.

Ta-da.

Is that a bedazzled barf bucket?

Wow, Morgan!

It's so beautiful.

This is the nicest gift anyone's given me since Danny took me to Bruno Mars.

Morgan: Oh, Bruno Mars and I...

Hat brothers. Oh, God.

Stop talking about that stupid hat!

All right.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Danny: Morning, sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing here?

Get away from the microwave.

What?

I don't want you using the microwave that much when you're pregnant... the rays and the waves.

Didn't you read the parenting book that I gave you?

Panic Womb?

Relax.

I'm not using the microwave.

I'm just getting some coffee.

Don't... don't... don't sip the coffee!

What's wrong with you?

That's even worse.

Right here, A Brave New Dad says that coffee can stunt a baby's growth.

I'll read it to you. Chapter 14.

Don't do that. It's boring.

I mean, you should read these too.

Look, I don't have time to read all your boring parenting books.

You don't have any time because you're always reading the baby name books.

Oh, by the way, what do you think of the name Femonique?

Warmer, but no.

Look, Min, I need you ready for when this baby comes, okay?

I made you a delicious breakfast.

Close your eyes.

Ooh, now we're talking.

Okay. Open 'em up.

Oh, God.

What?

What the hell is that?

It's oatmeal.

I'm expected to eat this?

It's steel-cut.

It is 9:00 a.m. on a Sunday.

Mm-hmm.

I need eggs.

I need waffles. I need four kinds of pig's meat.

I don't need no bowl of oatmeals.

With your morning sickness, no way.

You got to eat healthy. Start now.

I have been eating for two my entire life, and now I actually have an excuse.

I'm not gonna waste it on steel-cut oats.

Okay.

Look.

Pregnancy is hard enough as it is.

You're right.

I am also starting my own fertility clinic.

Yes, you are.

I had to completely put my modeling career on hold.

What?

I need these simple pleasures.

By the way, you should talk.

Don't think I don't know about your little cigarette smoking habit.

No, when I heard about the baby, I quit smoking cold turkey.

That reminds me. Cold turkey.

For protein.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Jeremy: Good morning.

As you're no doubt aware, the practice is once again facing a moment of crisis.

I know!

The homeless guy sleeping in our courtyard is back.

I keep finding his trash out there.

I'm buying a BB g*n.

You can use my g*n. It's in the fridge.

With Peter having left and Mindy branching out to start her own fertility practice, we're busier than ever, which is great, but we do need to hire a new doctor immediately.

You know what we need?

Someone modern and cool who could relate to me and everyone else in Generation Hunger Games.

I'm sorry. Did you say modern and cool?

Psst. Hello, Dr. C.

No, don't look.

Okay, we're looking to hire a doctor, not an aspiring R&B singer.

Sir, I just want one doughnut on each of my fingers.

It's not that hard to...

I'll just do it myself.

Mindy. Mindy Lahiri.

Dr. Phillips?

Wow, I haven't seen you since med school graduation.

You were always my favorite professor.

Oh, that's nice. You look great.

Thank you.

Your acne really cleared up.

It actually migrated to my butt, but thank you.

Oh, I actually saw the inside of your apartment in Architectural Digest.

They always have it in my psychic's waiting room.

And there it was.

Yes, yes, since I've retired, I have plenty of time to decorate.

But can I confess something?

I had the hots for you too.

Yes, I got all your letters.

Since I've retired, I'm a little bored.

Wait.

I may be getting kind of a good idea.

Our practice is looking for a new doctor, and if you're bored, I might be the answer.

Interesting.

Ron's busy with his hedge fund, and the twins still aren't talking to me.

Well, this is perfect. I'm gonna call you in.

You're gonna meet the other guys.

Great.

So good to run into you.

Good to see you.

Bye, Dr. Phillips.

I love you!

Buh-bye.

Beverly, Beverly.

I found our girl, so you can tell Dr. Reed's parade of Melvins that they're dismissed.

The Melvins have already camped out in the conference room.

Oh, God.

It's very inconvenient.

That's where I lock myself when I need to be r*cist.

I don't think you should...

Hey, what's the hold-up here?

I came all the way from the suburbs to meet for this job.

Sorry, sir, but the suburbs aren't that far.

The suburbs of Philadelphia.

I need to be back there at 5:00 for my daughter's cheer competition.

Brenda says I have to bring juice.

I'm gonnhandle this one for you, boss.

You're really annoying the lady, and you got to leave.

Look, I came all this way. I'm interviewing.

So take this, and go get me a cup of coffee.

The button hurt my cheek.

You didn't really take care of that, did you?

Sir, I'm sorry.

The position has been filled by someone who would fit in better with our kind of trendy, cosmopolitan office atmosphere.

Someone, like, from the mind of Shonda Rhimes.

Who's Shonda Rhimes?

[laughs]

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Who's Shonda Rhimes?

Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away with m*rder.

Private Practice.

Crossroads the movie.

[clicks tongue]

You know what? Your loss.

I'm board-certified, highly recommended.

I got a nice, loud voice.

All right, everybody, let's go.

Job's been filled.

Anybody who wants a ride to Philly, we're splitting gas fif-fif.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, keep on walking.

Move it, shorty.

Wait, wait, where are my doctors going?

Chill, Jeremy.

I sent them all home because I found the perfect doctor...

Suzanne Phillips, b*tches.

Suzanne Phillips? Well, she's amazing.

But isn't she rich and retired?

She might have been retired, but guess who got to her... me, Mindy Lahiri.

I got charm and elegance, like a polished debutante.

[chuckles]

You forgot your barf bucket.

Oh, God. Yeah, I'm gonna need this.

I can feel it coming up.

Morgan: Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey.

Nothing, nothing, ah!

Knock much? I could've been watching p*rn.

Did you forget about our check-up with Pete?

I was just eating my banana, my favorite food.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Hey, how are my favorite MILF and DILF?

What's up, Pete?

Hey, Peter.

How's Texas?

It's good.

I think you'd really like it here, Mindy.

Everyone spits.

Cool.

Pete, how's it going with Lauren?

Things going good?

We went on a date.

It wasn't really a date, actually.

Full disclosure... I rear-ended her with my car when I was following behind her too closely, but now we are having lunch one time, TBD.

Oh, Peter.

But enough about me.

Let's talk pregnancy. Mindy, how are you feeling?

I'm okay.

I wish I still had my period to blame my behavior on, and Mussolini over here is trying to make me eat better.

Italy's most organized leader... yeah, I'll take that, Pete.

You know, Mindy, I'm looking over your chart, and due to your age and weight, you fall into a special category of pregnancy.

What kind of special category?

Like, hot ethnic power moms?

Peter: Sort of.

Technically, you qualify as a geriatric obese pregnancy.

How dare you?

Danny: Stop, stop, no. Don't.

Mindy...

Go to hell, Peter!

As your doctor, I'm officially putting Danny in charge of your diet.

Okay.

Lahiri, hand over the candy.

Look at this.

Happy?

All the candy.

You got to be kidding me.

[sighs]

Jeremy: Dr. Phillips, your career is legendary.

You already get on with this one, which historically has been one of the biggest hurdles to working here.

That's enough. I'm a dream.

But I do have to ask, are you really looking for this much work, you know, at this stage of your career?

How much work is involved?

It's not too bad.

I mean, last week, I only slept on the floor of my office four times.

I take Sunday mornings off for church.

Guys, you're not selling us well.

Dr. Phillips, this is the sexiest and coolest office in all of Manhattan, okay?

I'm doing this guy.

Plus, I'm always touching everyone.

Okay, okay, stop it.

If you see anything you like...

What are you doing?

Danny: This job's for you if you show up, say good-bye to your social life, and work to the bone.

I-I see you're all very busy, and obviously, I need to discuss this with my husband.

Danny: Of course.

But it's been a pleasure.

Milady, I'll escort you out.

I have your gift bag.

That's my purse.

I put a coffee mug in there.

And may I say, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

Okay, Morgan, stop. Stop, that's not appropriate.

Inappropriate.

Thank you.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Thank you.

[grunts] Didn't trip.

I was stretching.

Yes!

Danny: Okay, there you go.

Why is this steak white? What's with this green crud?

Where's my dessert?

Oh, yeah, I forgot, sorry.

I printed out these really funny Yogi Berra quotes.

If you're still hungry, just read those.

That will definitely take your mind off things.

Hey, guys.

We're gonna party like it's my birthday, 'cause it is.

Oh, my God, it's my favorite kind of cake... gigantic.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sit down.

Willpower. Willpower.

If you can give up smoking, then I can do this.

Yeah.

I can eat this white steak you brought me.

Chicken.

Delicious. Mmm, nom, nom.

I am so proud of you.

May this lunch be the beginning of a lifetime of healthy eating.

A lifetime? What do you mean a lifetime?

Mangia.

[phone vibrates]

[phone plays tune]

[phone vibrates, plays tune]

Ooh.

[phone vibrates, plays tune]

No. No, no, no.

Mindy, have you heard from Dr. Phillips yet?

I'm nervous. We don't have a backup.

What are you eating? Is this a joke?

There's a birthday cake here.

Uh, uh...

Yeah, yeah. You know what, screw this.

We'll have some cake.

Happy birthday.

♪ Happy birth... ♪

Oh, my God, Dr. L, I was gonna take a selfie with the cake.

This is a great cake.

We were about to sing.

Mindy?

Danny: I found this half a banana in my gym bag.

Hey, sweetheart.

I just left for two seconds.

They were forcing me to.

Tamra: You are a damn liar.

I got a baby in there, and he's cooking, and he needs some healthy chicken.

You know what? You have no willpower, Mindy.

No willpower.

You ruined my birthday.

I need to take the rest of the week off.

Oh, Tamra.

[raccoon chatters]

Hey, Pepe.

Oh, yeah.

My snacks are pretty gross, but Danny's right.

I have to eat healthier for the health of my own litter.

[Pepe chatters]

Want to try some? Maybe you'll like it.

I've seen you eat out of the garbage, and you've seen me eat out of the garbage.

[chatters]

It's green beans or something.

Pepe.

Just try it, Pepe.

It's not that bad.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, Tamra! I found the bum!

Hey, you! Get a job!

Danny?

Danny, are you smoking?

Mindy: You're chain smoking?

Mindy: I cannot believe you, Danny.

Smoking is literally the stupidest and most harmful thing you can do, and this is coming from a woman who considered eating cheese from a mouse trap this morning.

Yeah, not to mention the rubbish that Doris is gonna have to clean up and all the lies we now have to live with.

The lies, Danny. Doris, Danny.

I'm sorry. It calms me down.

I tried painting, but I kept painting my own tombstone, and my teacher said I was bumming everyone out.

All this time, you were giving me crap about my prenatal diet when you were doing this?

This!

Oh, I think that makes you a hypocrite or hypocryte.

I've only ever seen the word written.

Hypocrite.

Let's not fight. It's a beautiful night.

The moon's out. You look gorgeous, babe.

[groans] Okay.

Get over here. Give me a k...

[pop]

Ow!

Tamra, you just sh*t me!

I thought you were the bum.

There's no way you could've thought I was the bum!

You don't dress that great. You could've been the bum.

For the last time, we don't sh**t anybody.

You deserve getting sh*t.

Ow!

sh**t him again, Tamra.

No! No.

Don't. Don't.

Do it, Tamra.

No!

Danny: Listen up, everyone. I have an announcement to make.

I'm sorry I let you down, okay?

I'm gonna quit smoking once and for all.

That's it. It's over.

We must be the change we wish to see in this world.

Gandhi said that.

First of all, John Mayer said that.

Gandhi said, "The British are coming," and that's how he got independence for lndia.

Okay, I don't doubt you think that's true.

Speaking of extraordinary Indian people, Mindy, I believe if you put your mind to it, you can have a fit pregnancy.

Oh, do you?

Yes, I do.

Well, I will start eating better when you quit smoking.

Great, well, you can start right now.

It's 8:30 in the morning. Stop eating cheese puffs.

Guess what, dude, you're nothing but a drug addict.

Okay, come on, I'm not a drug addict.

All I know is, somebody needs to reimburse me for my BB g*n.

Danny, as an act of contrition, you can pick up the rest of Peter's deliveries for the rest of the month.

Mindy, you got to concentrate on finding a replacement for the disaster that was Dr. Phillips, and before you say it, Dr. Dre is not a real doctor.

Okay, he has an MD in hip-hop. That is neither here nor there.

Fine, I will do it, because on some level, the staffing issue is my fault.

On every level, it's your fault.

I am sorry that I have some standards for the people that I want to work with.

Standards? We're replacing Peter.

The guy talked like Chewbacca 30% of the time.

[as Yoda] Pretty good my Yoda is.

Not as good as Jeremy's C-3PO.

Check this out.

I'm not doing a C-3P0 impression.

This is how I talk.

Danny: That's pretty good, right?

Danny, stop smoking. Mindy, start staffing.

Everyone else, get back to work.

All right.

Britney Spears: ♪ You want a hot body? ♪
♪ Sipping martinis ♪
♪ Look, you better work, bitch ♪
♪ You want to live fancy? ♪
♪ Live in a big mansion? ♪
♪ Party in France? ♪
♪ You better work, bitch ♪
♪ You better work, bitch ♪
♪ Now get to work, bitch ♪

[pulsing electronic music]

♪ ♪
♪ Now get to work, bitch ♪
♪ ♪

Hello...

Read 'em and weep, Lahiri.

Classic mailboxes of Suffolk County, a wall calendar.

No, I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks, which means I quit, sweetheart, so you can say good-bye to this garbage.

You quit smoking?

Yup.

How?

Are you using the patch? That's cheating, Danny.

No, nicotine patches are for the weak.

I quit the old-fashioned way: Self-discipline, prayer, and putting a picture of the Boston Red Sox logo on the pack of my smokes. [clicks tongue]

When I am stressed, I need to eat trans fats and corn syrups, but it's fine, 'cause in this country, we celebrate the extremely overweight and the terrifyingly slim.

This in-between thing I was doing, that was the problem.

I need to just go for it.

I need to get huge.

You know why you have morning sickness?

Because you eat terribly and you refuse to modify your lifestyle, even though you're pregnant with our baby.

It's our baby, Mindy. Come on.

I do not want to be the only parent in this relationship.

I don't want that.

Congratulations on giving up smoking.

That's a really hard thing to do, and I'm proud of you.

Well, thank you very much.

I wish I could fix myself as easily as you can, but I can't.

Now I'm pregnant. I sweat constantly.

I need to carry a barf pail around.

My nipples are, like, nine shades darker than they used to be.

Look, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It's not okay. I am an OB/GYN.

I'm supposed to be telling my patients what to do, and the truth is that...

[gulps]

I have no idea...

Babe. You okay?

Babe. Mindy.

Oh, here's where I left my jacket.

And I've been walking around in my daughter's cheerleading windbreaker for the last two weeks.

No, you know what?

A decent person would've called about a mysterious man's coat, but I guess you, Dr. Lahiri, are just a little too inconsiderate to think about any...

I'm so sorry.

I puked all over you.

No. No, it's fine.

Get it all out. You're gonna be all right.

I'm usually so elegant.

You're gonna be fine.

Here, have a seat.

Danny: Okay, here you go, champ.

Danny: Let me save yosome time.

It's garden variety morning sickness exacerbated by poor food choices.

I disagree.

Judging by the contents of her stomach, which appear to be sour candy worms, mac and cheese, and what looks like the acetate strip that holds a cheesecake in place, I'd say Dr. Lahiri has a steel stomach.

Morgan: Oh, my God!

My angel. This should be me.

This should be my windbreaker that's covered in puke.

Easy, she's gonna be fine. Listen...

I'm gonna be sick again.

Okay.

Okay.

It is my medical opinion that Dr. Lahiri does not have diet-triggered morning sickness.

She has stress-triggered morning sickness.

Oh, well, that's a really cool diagnosis.

I think we know how to treat Dr. I's morning sickness.

Excuse me, please. Unbelievable.

All right. Hey there, old girl.

It's time for a steam.

I'm gonna put you in the hot pipe room.

I'm gonna wrap you in blankets, and I'm gonna turn the heat...

No, the last thing a nauseous pregnant woman needs is to sit still in a hot, windowless room.

Excuse me.

Look here, cowboy.

We do it my way, or we don't do it at all.

I think we should do what Dr. Bergdahl said.

You sure about that? I made a bunch of goulash.

No, I don't... I'm not interested.

Let's get you out of these clothes.

Wait, Dr. Bergdahl.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Danny: Unfortunately, I think your windbreaker's finished.

So what do you think is stressing out Dr. Lahiri so much?

She doesn't pay her taxes.

I think she had a hit-and-run thing in the Hamptons.

I don't know.

It was misleading of me to ask that in the form of a question.

What I meant to say is, I think you're stressing her out.

Me? Okay, that's ridiculous.

I'm her rock. Literally.

She sits on me to think sometimes.

Oh.

Looks like you're trying to kick something too.

What's your drug of choice, huh?

Is it smack, booze, anorexia?

Oh, come on.

I'm super excited for March.

It's gonna be a great month.

Whatever, man.

All I'm saying is, when that baby comes, all bets are off.

You haven't slept in three days.

You got this creature screaming at you, won't tell you what it wants.

Maybe you ate a little baby poop by accident.

You're gonna backslide.

You're gonna go back to that vice, and you are definitely gonna want her to cut you some slack.

[door opens]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Adrian.

What if I asked you to work here?

Danny, can't you see I'm having my supper?

You got to run this stuff by me.

Yeah, well, I just trust the guy...

I don't know... and so does Mindy.

But he looks like the guy who can't sleep in a cold medicine commercial.

[sighs]

Well, I suppose we are out of options.

Dr. Bergdahl, would you like to join the practice on a trial basis?

Yeah, I'm out of options too, so you got a deal.

Hi.

So I just walked Dr. Lahiri home, and this fedora, which some of you called the crime of the century, caught most of her barf, so I'll be in my office accepting all apologies.

No.

Morgan, I'd like you to meet our new doctor, Dr. Bergdahl.

[screams and gags]

Mindy: Yeah, you're pretty insightful for a giraffe.

Mr. Neck's a good listener, right?

What? No.

I wasn't just talking to your stuffed animal.

That's ridiculous.

Okay.

Besides, he claims to know Brown Bear, which, like, how would they have met?

You know why I think you have so much trouble with willpower?

I don't know, because I'm Hindu, and on some level, I feel like I'll have another sh*t at all this?

No, no, because it's really, really hard.

The only reason I'm good at it is because my entire religious education is based on one man's self-sacrifice.

I mean, why do you think I wear this?

So people don't think you're Jewish?

No, please be quiet.

I think I'm hard on you sometimes because I'm worried when the little guy comes that I'm not gonna know what the hell I'm doing, and I need you, Mindy.

I need you to be around.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Danny, I only get upset with you about your smoking because I need you around.

I can't do this by myself.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I was so scared when I found out that I was pregnant, but I thought the kid will be fine 'cause you're the dad.

Really?

Come here.

One sec. One second.

Get it all out.

[retches]

Mindy: I'm good. Take your pants off.