04x05 - Open House of Horrors

[bunniefuu]

Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard?

And why do they taste so bad?

Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth breather.

Phil: Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke.

Never stop licking things.

I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors... we would keep our decorations more family-friendly.

We can't even carve a pumpkin?

The petition was very specific.

Every Halloween, we have the best house.

Last year, I took things to a whole new level, but apparently it was too scary for some kids.

And one adult.

[Maniacal Laughter]

Trick or treat!

Would you like some candy?

All: Yeah!

Or would you rather have this?

[Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

Come on. You're fine. [Spits]

I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart att*ck.

Thank you. I mean, you're not even scary.

Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?

Uh, yeah, sure, but-

It's genius.

An open house on Halloween.

Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic.

Now they can get away from all that and see a nice house.

What do you mean, I'm not even scary?

I literally almost scared the life out of a man.

You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him.

That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.

That's the point, Claire.

It was overkill.

You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Bye.

♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey♪
♪

[Door Closes] You remembered to pick up the costumes, right?

Yes, they're right over there.

Very excited.

Cam has lost a lot of weight.

[Sighs] No. So we're throwing a Halloween party... to debut the new him.

I'll be dressed as a matador.

What-What is it now, 30?

32.4.

Ah.

So I've lost Lily.

Where is Lily?

Hmm?

Do you-You don't have her? No.

Why would I have her? I don't have her in my pocket. Cam?

What about the tiara?

Uh, we didn't buy one.

You can just use the one from last year.

Are we poor?

No, sweetheart.

But you don't need two tiaras.

How 'bout next Halloween you try a different costume?

No. I have to be a princess.

Every year? Why?

Because my mom's a princess, just like you told me.

Cam and I have always known that someday... we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily... about who her mom was.

We-We were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script.

[Sighs] Then I got tired.

"And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land.

The end." Again.

Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?

[Chuckles]

Oh, that's because she has- she has a baby in her belly.

Okay? Good night.

Was I in my mom's belly?

Lily, no more questions.

Just go to sleep.

Where's my mom now?

Um, she's in a faraway land.

Why?

Because she's a princess, and she's very, very busy.

[Yawning]

Okay.

I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning.

I mean, I did. [Sighs]

I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger issue.

You know, I was really tired.

Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily... wanting to be a princess again?

I think it might be because I let her believe her mother was-

This is a nightmare.

It was just a mistake.

More like a disaster.

They sent the matador costume in your size... and the bull costume in mine.

Oh. I didn't notice.

Now no one's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume.

It was-

It was honestly a mistake.

Listen, um, you could do that other thing that you thought of.

You could put on that gorgeous white suit that fits you so well now, and you could be Mr. Roarke, and Lily could be your Tattoo.

No! I have to be a princess!

But, Lily, you were a princess last year.

No! You promised!

I'm being a princess!

Why is she so obsessed with princesses?

Well-

Like we weren't at that age?

I mean-

I'm not mad about the ticket.

It's just the first time I couldn't charm my way out of one of these things.

The way I see it, it's not a ticket.

It's a conversation.

No offense.

You don't need that siren.

You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad car.

License and registration, please.

I, uh-

I'm no stranger to the police academy myself.

Seen all seven of 'em. Sir, no one's seen all seven.

Is this information accurate?

Yeah.

Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl.

Mm-hmm.

I must be getting rusty with my moves.

Moves? What moves? You know, flash the baby blues.

Hit 'em with the devilish grin.

In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.

Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?

'Cause I'm a hundred.

Chicken pox.

And it doesn't matter where it's from.

It always worked.

Hey, Mom.

Manny, why are you coming back from school so late?

I got sent to the principal's office. Oh.

I am sending him an angry e-mail because I don't like it when-

No, no, no. It's not his fault.

What did you do wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, that's it. I'm calling him.

I hate when he tries to-

Uh, nothing on purpose.

It was between periods, right before this big test.

I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.

As one does.

Right.

And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm.

The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test.

But you didn't! That's it.

I'm going to his house.

Mom, you gotta stop doing this.

I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault-

But lately, you've been such a hothead.

I am not a hothead.

I am Colombian.

We get excited. My country is covered in coffee.

Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong?

Half-caf, nonfat white soy latte.

How hard is that to hear?

[Howling, Faint]

[Doorbell Rings]

You don't get to be two-time nonconsecutive district salesman of the year... without thinking inside the box.

That's right. I said "inside." You know why?

'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is?

Empty.

Which brings us back to our formal dining room.

Now, any questions?

Can we have our candy now?

Just as soon as we go over what you're gonna tell your parents.

Now, what was our style?

[Together] Prewar Craftsman.

Good, good.

And how many square feet?

3,500.

Still no trick-or-treaters?

Not yet.

Well, maybe people are going out later this year.

Well, the street's full of kids, but they're actively detouring around our house.

Wait. I lost my-Whoa!

Man: Move along.

[Screaming] Wait for me!

Huh.

Who wants some candy?

Plenty of name-brand, family-friendly candy right here.

[Screaming] It's a trap.

No. I-Ooh! How 'bout you?

Hey, hey.

You want some candy, right? [Yelps] Mommy!

She's got me!

No, I don't-I'm not try-Oh, my candy!

Just leave it!

[Children Screaming]

Child: Go! Go!

Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch and Cam's party.

Gloria, does my skin look looser to you?

What?

[Doorbell Rings]

Maybe I should try some of that fancy neck cream of yours.

Don't you have some with specks of diamonds in it or something?

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

You guys don't even have costumes.

I'm a skeleton.

And I'm-I'm a lemon.

Aren't you too old to be trick-or-treating?

Aren't you too old to be having a baby?

[Snickers]

Ay, you find that funny, lemon?

Here's a better joke.

Knock, knock. What's gone?

Your candy.

[Both Muttering]

[Tosses Bag]

What was that? Some rude dummies that they think that they can-

All right. Listen.

Let's just calm down.

Get ready for the party.

Calm down what? Huh?

You think I'm a hothead like Manny?

No!

[Thump]

You can be emotional.

Volatile, maybe.

Still, that's a far cry from-

[Gasps] You put egg on my house!

I k*ll what you love!

Psycho.

Plush utility room?

Yeah, right.

I know a hall closet when I see one.

And your dad never lies? What medical school did the great appliance doctor attend?

Boy: Hey, Delgado.

Oh, no! Durkas!

What I wouldn't give for this umbrella to have Mary Poppins powers.

Oh, I pray he didn't hear that.

Heard you pulled the fire alarm today and got us out of that test.

Good job.

Thanks, Mr. Durkas.

You know what? You don't need to call me that anymore.

Anyway, we're all meeting at the playground at 8:00 and heading out, if you want to join.

You're totally going to that.

Yeah, if you wanna ruin your reputation.

You're finally gonna be in with the cool kids.

You need to talk at the school assembly on Monday and apologize to all the teachers.

Teachers. More like public sector parasites.

Be strong, Manny. Be smart.

Adventures, parties.

Juvie, heartache.

Girls!

But not the kind we want.

They're all the kind we want!

Mr. Dur-

Conrad!

[Laughter, Chattering]

Take one. I'm an egg donor.

[Laughing]

I love your costume too, Cam.

Adora-bull.

Oh, well, thank you.

It's all in fun.

I half wanted to wear something tighter.

You know, I've been reducing.

I can see. Well, you say it like you can't.

No, no, no.

I totally can.

[Unzips]

Cameron: Impressive, huh?

Man: Yeah. I'm-I'm gonna go.

Hey, Cam. I'm hearing rumor that you keep flashing our guests.

Oh, well, not in a perverted way.

I just want people to see my body under this stupid costume.

That's very close to what actual flashers say.

Daddy?

Uh, one second, honey.

I'm just tired of throwing out compliments and not getting anything back.

I told Roberto his spray tan looked real.

Look for yourself.

It's on two of our pillows and our cat.

Daddy. Lookit.

It's my mommy.

She came.

Oh, no, honey.

That's not your mommy.

It's not? No, no. That's just one of Daddy's friends.

What's going on? Oh, nothing. She just wants one of these cupcakes.

But I already had-Oh, there you go, honey.

Okay. Off you go.

Mingle, mingle!

Alex: Oh!

Looks like some people came by.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We had a few.

I saw that.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Phil: Hey, honey.

[Candy Rattling] Hi.

How's your open house?

Pretty empty, actually.

I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter.

Seriously, though-a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom?

How Hufflepuff is that?

It's pretty lonely here too.

We've been shunned by the whole neighborhood.

That's ridiculous. All over some mild little gag you pulled?

It was not mild.

There was an investigat-

Shh!

Oh. I-I thought I heard someone.

I guess it was just trees tapping against the window.

It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house.

Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30 minutes, and I'll see you at home.

Okay. Bye.

[Chuckles]

What are you laughing about?

Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know?

Your poor, dumb dad.

[Insects Chirping]

I'll fill you in at the staff meeting... after Keneally's done telling us about his morning commute.

That's hilarious.

You sound just like him.

You are so doing that at Christmas talent night.

Dude, "Rich Girl," "Sara Smile," then a "Maneater" encore.

It was scary how good they were.

Close your eyes, it could've been the real band.

Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool once, and now he wants to double the stakes.

Oh, I'm so scared.

[Chuckling] Right?

Well, this night was a bust.

Not a single person even.

Or did I speak too soon?

Was someone in the mood to be a bad little ghoul?

Oh, Connie.

I didn't mean you.

I'm-Hey, that's just- that's just the divorce talkin'.

Hang in there.

Bye-bye.

♪
♪ [Stereo: Hip-hop]

Well, someone decided to take a trip to Fantasy lsland after all.

I'm tired of people not noticing my new physique.

If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat... and going as Baby New Year!

Hello.

Oh, my God! John-John, is that you?

You look amazing!

Thanks! That's what happens when you lose a hundred pounds.

Oh, come on. What a-

Who wants to lift me?

Come on. Me.

How could he have not called us?

Oh, my God!

He's as light as a feather.

You know what? I'm gonna go lift him, shake him till his staples pop.

Cam, stop!

Just saying that we could have caught those kids.

What, and chased them around all night?

I'm not a young man anymore, as the world keeps pointing out.

What did that waiter just call you outside?

Medieval Knievel.

That is hilarious. I love when people put some thought into their outfit.

Illegal alien? Sugar daddy.

Why do you say "illegal"? Because antennas are alien, and-

What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin?

Why don't I dump your baby in your gas t*nk?

Gloria! Uh, no hard feelings, please.

Just enjoy the party, okay?

First of all, relax.

We're at a party.

Secondly, you've been deported twice.

You're not allowed to be that defensive.

What is it with me lately?

Manny's right.

I'm such a hothead.

It happens.

You're pregnant.

That's what it is, isn't it?

It's the baby.

It's angry in there.

No.

Yes! You just said it yourself.

I have changed.

I have an angry baby inside of me, making me do bad things.

It's just hormones. It's your mama bear instinct kicking in.

And that's a good thing, because that means you're gonna be a great mom-again.

Do you really think so? You got a lucky little kid in there.

He's got a mom who's not gonna let anyone harm him.

Or her.

Or-Or him.

Together: Trick or treat.

Go ahead.

¡No corran!

Oh, my gosh. Is that the most precious thing you've ever seen?

Oh, my God!

Do you know other princesses?

Trust me.

I know lots.

Okay. Bedtime.

Oh, no. It's not that late.

Do you know my mom?

She's a princess.

[Laughs] She's exhausted.

She's not making sense.

She's so tired.

Daddy, you told me!

What is she talking about, Mitchell?

My real mom. She is, right?

Okay, I think we need to have a little talk.

Uh-oh. Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's getting?

Nice try. I will be back for that answer.

[Groans]

This isn't gonna work, Claire.

'Cause I know you're here.

[Chuckles]

What's the plan anyway?

You gonna pop out at me?

It's gonna take more than that to scare this Realtor-

Woman: Hello! Hey!

Is the house still open? Oh, yes!

Yes! I'll be right down.

Claire, this is serious.

I have a job.

Not that you don't. You work 24-7, and you don't get half the appreciation you deserve.

Can we talk about this later?

As you potential buyers can see, this is a, uh-a beautiful home.

What's behind here?

Oh, I wouldn't go in there.

Unless you love formal dining rooms.

Wow! Honey, look at this.

I'm in the kitchen.

Oh, we should probably stay together.

Come on, Sheila.

Phil, one question.

Are these-Wait.

I just love to see people's reactions when I show 'em so much storage.

What? It's crazy.

I think you guys will find that this house is full of so many delightful surprises... that you'll be happy here for so-

Oh, my God!

I don't know her!

Is this the original tub?

What?

Yes, it is.

It is, uh, the original tub.

Um, original fixtures, beveled mirror.

Just a-a huge stall shower if you guys would, uh, wanna have a party.

I'm kidding, of course.

But, um, just a house with a real personality.

We'll be right in, sweetie.

We agreed to tell Lily about her mother together, wearing calming earth tones.

And we agreed to tell her the truth.

I know, but haven't you ever said something dumb to Lily that you wish she would just forget?

This isn't about me. Let's just fix this.

Okay, great.

Although-

The way you agreed so quickly makes me wonder what sort of things you've told her.

I may have told her her fibs k*ll birds.

Wow! We're coming back to that one.

Oh, hi, princess.

Hey, Lil.

Could we talk to you for a second?

Am I in trouble?

Oh, gosh, no.

Of course not, sweetie.

Um, well, do you remember how we used to tell you... there was a heaven for all the flowers that die?

[Muffled] What do you mean, used to?

Sorry, I let it slip.

We'll deal with it later.

How much are you not telling me?

Why are you talking like this?

Daddies took a little side trip.

Sorry, sweetie.

So sometimes, uh, we tell you things like that to make you feel better.

Mm-hmm. And I might have done the same thing... when I told you that your mom is a princess.

So she's not?

Well, you know what?

She might be.

She might be.

But we can't know for sure, honey, because- well, we don't know where she is or what she's doing.

But-But what we do know is that she loved you very, very much.

And she knew that she couldn't take care of you, so she made sure that she went with the most loving family she could find.

And that's how the three of us became a family.

Does that make sense, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

Do you have any questions for us?

Why did you say a fib and k*ll a bird?

Mm-hmm.

I noticed you walking in with your wife earlier. She's stunning.

You know my favorite part of that compliment?

You knew she was my wife.

Half the world thinks she's my daughter.

Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl.

Bummer for me though. Handsomest man in here, and he's taken.

I'll bet you do all right with the boys.

I do. It's the men I'm interested in.

You just put it all right out there, don't you?

I always try to hold a little something back.

Oh, my gosh.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Leave him.

No, but you know that's a-

I know. He needs this. Okay.

It was great meeting you, Jay.

You too, Sam.

Wow! Looks like somebody really likes you.

What can I say?

I still got it.

I've been meaning to ask you, have you lost some weight? 'Cause you look good.

Wow. You have no idea what that means to hear from you, Jay.

Uh, turn it that way.

I thought this might cheer you up.

Da plane! Da plane!

Oh!

Baby girl.

Look at you. You even taught her the catchphrase.

Yeah. Jay, have you seen my new Tattoo?

Be in touch. Well, thanks so much for coming.

Yeah, thanks.

Okay.

Okay, Claire. They're gone.

You can come out now.

Claire?

Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary.

It's been such a long day.

Can we please just go home?

[Wind Whistling]

[Low Groan]

All right.

I'm leaving without ya.

[Electrical Static]

[Floor Creaking]

So, this remote you know how to use.

[Ringing]

Yes?

Claire: Phil, where are you?

Claire?

Where are you?

I came over to scare you, but then I heard you showing the house to that couple, so I got out of your way.

You're at home? Yeah.

I got here 10 minutes ago.

S-So-

So you're saying this call isn't coming from inside the house?

What are you talking about? Just get home.

The kids and I are hungry.

Alex: Yeah, hurry up, Dad.

Luke: We miss you!

Miss you too, buddy.

[Handset Settles in Cradle]

[Wind Whistling]

[Creaking]

[Thudding] Hey!

[Dog Barking]

[Rattling]

[Stairs Creaking]

[Shouts]

[Yelps]

[Shouts]

[Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

I wasn't really that scared.

Okay.

Hey, you never told me if you hit those kids with that egg.

They blended into the crowd, but there was a slow one with them.

He couldn't run so fast, and I nailed him pretty good.

I warned you.

Okay, Reuben.

Where are your cool friends now?

Not Q-tipping your ear, that's for sure.

Okay, Reuben.

This is why I never hang out with cool kids.

Yeah.

You rejected them- shortly after you and your mom roller danced at the talent show.

[Scoffs] We were robbed. Couldn't have been the song you picked.

"Wind Beneath My W-"

Ow!