06x17 - Closet? You'll Love It!

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Lily, ballet at 11:00, then a playdate, then karate class at 3:00, so why don't you go get your uniform?

[Singsongy] Chop chop!

Cam.

What?

She's in karate.

It's not offensive.

Debatable, but why would you schedule all this extra stuff on the same day as her talent show?

Okay, are you accusing me of overscheduling our tone-deaf daughter so she's so tired she misses the talent show and doesn't humiliate herself?

Lily has no talent.

Because she's 7.

No one has talent at 7.

I did. Tons of it.

Sheep-shearing, cornhusking, hay-baling.

It was hard for me to pick just one to showcase at my first little prince pageant.

In the end, I went with waltzing.

You waltzed at 7?

Barely. My partner had two left hooves. Hmm.

[Singsongy] I got it!

[Normal voice] Hey, wait.

Isn't my talent show today?

Oh, who knows?

But let's go ride some ponies.

No, no, you're right.

It is today, and since you have a little bit of time before ballet... why don't you two do a little bit of warming up?

Maestro? Come on.

Oh, okay, great. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Lily, can you meet me here at...

♪ C? ♪

[Plays C key]

[Off-key] ♪ C ♪
♪ now daddy's lonely ♪
♪ I'm there with you ♪
♪ no, you're not, you're not even close ♪
♪ this can't possibly sound the same to you ♪
♪ Maybe I can help, daddy is also here at... ♪

Both: ♪ C ♪

[Off-key] ♪ C ♪
♪ No, that's not even a note ♪
♪ I feel like you're doing it on purpose ♪
♪ That seems a little bit sharp ♪
♪ I'm never sharp, I'm pitch-perfect ♪
♪ I'm talking about your tone toward our daughter ♪
♪ I can understand you even when you're singing ♪

What are you doing?

I am gathering every binky that is in this house, because from today on, Joe is going cold turkey.

Okay, Joe, have your last puff if you want.

Gloria, I'm trying to watch something here.

[Sighs]

Okay, you can keep crying all you want.

I can't hear anything.

Try growing up in Colombia.

My binky was a spark plug.

Luke, how could you forget your bathing suit?

You came over here to swim.

It's all right, honey.

He can wear mine.

I'll borrow from Jay.

You have a favorite I should keep my hands off of, Jay?

That ship sailed about 20 years ago.

Ha ha! Zinger!

Save some of that charm for our commercial sh**t today, dad, huh?

Women: ♪ closets, closets, closets, closets ♪

You see what our competition's doing?

See the lasers?

Special effects?

I'll bet they spent 5 million bucks on that thing.

Don't worry, dad.

The concept I came up with is so much better than theirs.

We're scrapping it.

What? I worked for two months on that.

Sorry. We gotta go with what's proven.

We're remaking my old commercial.

30 years ago, my dad was in a local ad for Pritchett's Closets, and he has always been really proud of the slogan he came up with.

I've never understood what it means.

[1980s-style instrumental music playing]

Man: Pritchett's Closets-- choose one of our nine luxurious models like the Monte Carlo.

Or how about a custom design using our state-of-the-art technology?

Come visit Pritchett's and go home with the closet of your dreams.

Closet? You'll love it!

[Chuckles] The entire town went nuts for that ad.

People stopped me in the street, asking me to say the slogan.

Are you sure they weren't asking you to explain it?

What's to explain?

Instead of "Like it?

You'll love it," you use the word "Closet."

Then why not, "Like it?

You'll closet!"?

That makes no sense.

Look, I know it was rough on you and Mitch having a famous dad, you know, getting your picture taken in restaurants.

That happened one time, dad, only because we were eating with Ralph Berman, "Garage Door Opener King."

Hey, he was eating with us.

[Sighs]

The point is, that ad scored for us, and it will again.

So we're gonna flush all my hard work because you got freaked out by some commercial that's not even that catchy.

[Humming]

♪ closets, closets ♪

All right, get there!

Ugh!

Hey, if you really wanna impress Beth when she gets here, you should try for that giant elephant.

Oh, penguin's just as good.

[Ball bounces]

Money!

Aah!

I just spent a lot of money. A lot.

Sorry. I had to check in at the job.

Always something going down at The Hut.

You were at The Hut?

I would guess pizza, but based on your ripply stomach I saw when you helped me get down off the gondola ride, I'm gonna guess...

Sunglass Hut.

Yep, chase picked out these vintage-y sunglasses that look like I could've been m*rder*d at a cool house party in the '70s.

Ooh, you've been framed.

[Laughs]

You should use that.

Hmm?

At your job at The Hut.

[Laughs] You just said "Jabba the hut."

I'm really lost here, guys.

Oh!

Oh! That smarts.

Again?

Yeah. Uh, it's probably just motion sickness.

Uh, yeah, the motion of shoving deep fried garbage in your mouth all day.

It's my manager again.

She's always on me.

Can't wait till the fall when she's off to college.

Yeah, Maureen?

[Groans]

Beth's not coming.

She's too tired to drive up from San Diego.

So this Beth, who I've never actually met, is she one of those real-life move-around girls?

Ha ha.

You know she's a real girl.

Fine, but, you know, she flew all the way over here for some coast guard training.

She can't drive a couple hours to see you?

She's been saving drowning mannequins all morning, and some of them are plus-sized, because a lot of people fall off cruise ships.

Okay, but doesn't it bother you that she's flaked for, like, the hundredth time?

I know you have a problem with Beth, but what we have works for me, okay?

And if we're pointing fingers...

I want you to help me find my keys.

Wait. Shh.

They're in my jacket.

Okay.

Got it.

[Whirring]

Mom, that perv is ogling you again.

No! I was reading my horoscope.

"You will borrow a huge swimsuit today." What?

Ay, no, the plane! The plane!

It's always spying on me!

Go away or I'm gonna call the policeman!

Wow, don't even waste your time, Gloria.

Johnny law's got no chance with that baby.

You're looking at a freeling cloudgazer with after-market frequency scrambler. Untraceable.

As you can guess, I'm a droner myself.

Yes, you're droning right now.

Ay, it's getting closer!

Mom, maybe you should cover up.

No! That's crazy. We can just knock it out of the sky.

Manny, grab the hose.

I'll use this to blind it.

My eyes!

My eyes!

Oh!

Oh!

[High-pitched voice] Aah!

[Whirs]

And just like that, it disappears.

In his defense, the water's really cold.

[Speaks indistinctly]

Oh! You're still rehearsing.

We sure are, and we found a more appropriate song for lily's singing voice.

Really? Well, I'd love to hear it.

Okay.

♪ Everybody was kung fu fighting ♪

Hyah! Hyah!

♪ Those kicks were fast as lightning ♪

Hyah! Hyah!

♪ In fact, it was a little bit frightening ♪

Okay, stop, stop, stop.

No, come on. No. No!

This is ridiculous.

She's not even singing.

She wasn't singing before either.

Okay, go get some water. Cam.

Mitchell, I just don't want her to embarrass herself in front of her friends, not to mention the parents.

I can already hear Andrew's condescending, "Hmm."

Oh, my gosh. You're still competing with Andrew.

He staged a coup, Mitchell.

He forced me out of the group I founded.

I founded it.

The Greensleevers were Southern California's premier holiday chorus and "Just the nutmeg we want our yuletide eggnog dusted with"--

"LA Times," December 23, 199--

I remember.

Oh, I remember.

I remember.

So you're not worried about Lily embarrassing herself.

You're worried about Lily embarrassing you.

Not so much now that she's not singing.

Hey. Lily is gonna sing whatever she wants, and you're gonna get over this thing with Andrew... because a grown man should not have a nemesis.

It's ridiculous.

You know what's ridiculous?

Is being forced to turn in your jingle bells to a man with less vocal range than a teakettle.

Hyah!

[Crying]

[Footsteps approach]

Hi.

Oh, I thought you had a date.

I did, but I bailed. He's not exactly the sharpest shed.

What is his deal?

I took his pacifier hours ago, and he's still crying.

He's being such a baby.

Well, maybe he's just not ready to give them up.

No, I promised my mother that he wouldn't use it anymore.

Her uncle used it until he was 4, and now he's in jail.

I feel like a lot of your family stories end that way.

I'm gonna put on a bathing suit.

[Crying continues]

Hi, Manny.

Please stick Joe in front of the TV.

He always calms down when he listens to...

♪ Closets, closets, closets, closets ♪

Dad, you might wanna see this.

[Clicks button]

Oh!

[Water splashes, pool skimmer clanks]

He put us on YouTube?

He called it "Drone 1, Idiots 0."

It has 32,000 views.

We have to strike back.

That drone just messed with the wrong idiot.

[Cell phone chimes]

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

Andy's in the hospital.

What? Why?

Appendicitis.

Is he okay? Maybe I should go down there.

This is not good.

My second cousin got appendicitis, and now he's in jail.

Hmm.

Closet? You'll love it.

Man: And... cut.

Uh, that was great, Jay.

Let's try it again.

Maybe a little lighter.

Lighter.

Yeah.

Just, you know, happier, warmer.

Even more? All right.

From Jay's line.

Here we go. And... action.

Closet? You'll love it!

Cut.

You see that was exactly the same, right?

I do.

So what does it mean?

I don't know.

So do we have it?

Um...

I gave you, like, 10 different choices.

Let's not overthink this, huh?

Just pick one.

Okay. Well... give him a minute.

He'll calm down.

Sure.

Uh, hey, Claire?

Yes. Yeah.

So we were just talking, and strictly from a marketing standpoint, do you think Jay is, um...

He stinks.

He's the worst. So bad.

[Grunts]

And, um... strictly from a keeping-my-job standpoint, it would be so dope if you told him that.

Oh. Oh, God.

I can't fire my dad!

I know.

I know. It must be hard, but you realize it's the best thing for the company.

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Can I at least count on you to back me up?

Totally. Come on. We both know your dad is incredible.

Do you see him today?

He's like George Clooney but older, but better.

I... thought that was Jay. I'm sorry.

Oh, man. Almost fainted.

[Exhales]

Just gonna put my head between my legs.

Plenty of room down there.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Pop]

[Cheers and applause]

We'll now take a break to sweep up the confetti that was definitely not mentioned in dress rehearsal.

[Indistinct conversations]

Okay, here comes Andrew.

Just act like we don't care about the whole Greensleevers thing.

Ooh, I hope I could pull this off.

Cameron.

Andrew.

Enjoyable show.

So did you...

Direct? No, not this year.

Ah, I didn't think so.

You're...

So we're really enjoying the show, too.

It's all about the kids, you know.

Sorry.

They only had flat.

Mitchell.

Simon.

Turns out recently, Andrew married Simon.

My bitter rival from law school.

Or... nemesis?

I've...

[Groans]

So how's work? I'm sure you heard I made partner at Gotshal, Manges, Flom, Arps, & Leboeuf.

And I'm actually at the justice institute now.

So rewarding.

Oh, I think our firm donated one of our old fax machines to you guys.

♪

We better go.

We're moving closer because our daughter's about to perform.

Yours is from Vietnam, right?

Mm-hmm.

We were able to adopt one from Korea.

So...

Did he really just end a conversation on "So..."?

Let's just take our seats.

No, Cam, I-I don't know if this is the most supportive environment for Lily to--

I agree. Let's get her out of the show.

Okay. Yeah.

And are Koreans really better?

I don't know.

[Drone whirring]

Chicken's in the pot. I repeat, we have eyes on the chicken.

Eat paint.

Damn it. I missed.

Luke, gravity!

Shut up, nerd! Ow! Ow!

Plan "B"! If you can't b*at 'em, drone 'em!

Activate voice control!

[Whirring]

Forward 10 feet.

Oh! It's attacking!

Get down!

Damn it.

Deactivate voice control!

Plan "C"! Follow it home!

Hurry up!

Hey! That's my bike!

We're all making sacrifices!

I'm wearing a monokini!

Hey, Lizzie! Whoa!

Aah!

Okay, I need to borrow this, okay?

Here, just-- all right.

Okay.

I promise to bring it back, all right?

No, that's what you said about my mom's humidifier!

[Drone whirring]

He's heading for the river to try and lose us.

Damn you, Denise, at the patent office for stalling my aquabike!

Look out!

Ow!

You okay?

It's gonna take more than a little truck to st--

All: Aah!

Ohh!

Ow!

Ow. Are you guys okay?

Yeah.

This isn't over yet!

You know that!

Aah!

Oh, God! Dad!

Aah! Phil!

Ohh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

"Drone 2, Idiots 0."

Come on!

At least it's far away so you can't tell it's us.

Yeah.

[Computer bloops]

Oh, great. Another comment.

"LOL. That's my realtor, Phil D--"

Okay, let's just grab her and go.

She's up after the next act.

Hey, we're doing the right thing.

You can develop deep emotional scars at age 7.

I still can't eat--

Salt and vinegar chips.

Yes, I know.

I can't relive this with you right now.

I'm sorry. Okay.

Look at her.

Yeah. Add mouth-catching to things she can't do.

No. I mean, she's not nervous at all, and look at the other kids.

They're a wreck.

You know, she may not have gotten our talent, but she didn't get our self-consciousness either.

Oh. Well, we're not giving her our self-consciousness.

Today is her day, and she is--

She is gonna sing.

Come on.

♪

[Amplified voice]

Hi. My mom's doing chemo, so I shaved my head to be like her.

This is for you, mom.

[Voice belting] ♪ and I ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ will always love you ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪

Hey, hey, we got a problem.

What's wrong, sweetie?

I can't go after her.

Are you kidding?

Okay, well, honey, we can't just leave right now.

Sorry, gotta run.

Maya's feeling a bit feverish.

Oh, well, I guess some people can't take the heat.

♪ ...will always love you ♪

[Under breath] Can you believe that?

No.

Okay, now we can leave.

Let's go out the side door.

Hey, dad, I--

I tried to grab you after the sh**t, but you just flew out of there.

I didn't want it to seem like I was hanging around for compliments.

There-- there was some discussion after you left.

Keep it moving, buddy!

Um...

A-a few people feel that you came across a little--

Sign says "No Menus"!

What'd you say?

Uh... the group thinks that maybe it would be for the best if-- if someone else was our spokesman.

It's called Pritchett's Closets.

Yeah, I know, but you were coming off just a tiny bit--

Damn kids.

It's mine now!

Tiny bit grumpy.

Grumpy?

There's nothing wrong with being a little gruff.

That's how you are.

But when it comes to selling, dad--

What do you mean-- what do you mean, how I am?

Is that what people think of me, that I'm some big grump?

Dad, that cannot be a big shock that kids call you "Grumpa."

Since when?

Not to your face?

Cowards.

So if I get "Grumpa," what do they call Phil's dad?

You know, just...

"Funpa."

That mound of human silly string gets "Funpa"?

That's not the issue, dad.

No, no, I know what the issue is.

You're saying I'm not warm and cuddly enough to sell closets anymore.

It's a day that every father knows may come but hopes it never will.

Are we sure every father--

Stop hurting me!

Oh!

Hey, how you feelin'?

Hey.

Oh, looks like they got you on a bunch of good dr*gs before your surgery.

[Chuckles] I just came in to check on you.

Pretty scary going through this all by yourself.

[Mocking voice]

Too bad your girlfriend couldn't be here.

Beth is real.

I know that.

No.

Beth is real.

Okay, you really wanna talk about it?

How real is your relationship?

Real is when someone finds out that you're in the hospital and drops everything because she doesn't want you to be freaked out and alone.

Look, I'm not trying to be mean.

It's just...

You ever think you might be settling for something here?

[Sighs]

We've-- we've all done it.

Talked ourselves into the penguin because we didn't think we had a sh*t at the elephant.

[Sighs]

If I'm your elephant, you have a sh*t.

That's what I'm trying to say, dummy.

[Door opens]

I'm glad he's finally asleep.

He kept going on about Beth lsrael Hospital.

I told him his insurance is fine.

We can do the surgery here.

Beth lsrael? Oh.

Oh, my God.

Andy, are you okay?

He's okay, right?

[Whispers]

Uh, yeah, he's sleeping.

[Whispers]

Oh, thank God.

I'm Beth, Andy's girlfriend.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Haley.

Of course. Andy's told me so much about you.

I'm so sorry about missing the carnival.

I've just been up for two days straight.

Well, you're here, so I should go.

Okay. Thanks again.

Mm.

Listen, listen.

It worked.

He stopped crying.

Oh, so good for him.

I'm glad. So listen.

Who are these beautiful people?

They must be cousins of yours?

Yes, they are--

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

You turned it off.

[Joe crying]

And I thought that he was finally getting over his binky!

The screaming is driving me crazy!

The screaming is driving everyone crazy, Gloria.

You either have to turn this thing off, or I'm going up there and giving him my keys to suck on.

Hey-o!

How's my beautiful wife?

What happened?

Why do you look like that?

I'm just happy to see you.

You look like a crazy person.

Dad, what are you doing with your face? Come on.

Did anyone else notice that Joe stopped crying? Aah.

Back from the talent show early.

Don't ask why.

I love it when children have talent.

Mitchell: Why are you smiling like that?

[Gasps] Did something happen to mom?

Put your face back to what it used to be.

Come on, dad.

Just drop it.

So now I'm too happy.

Make up your damn minds!

There he is.

I've got it.

[Cap squeaks]

Dad, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Save it, Claire.

I watched what we sh*t today.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm not that cheery, likeable celebrity I was 30 years ago.

I am an old grump now.

When did I turn that corner?

You haven't. You haven't.

I mean, you're creeping up to it.

You got your blinker on, but... you haven't yet.

I saw it happen to my dad, you know?

One day, happy-go-lucky rotary drill operator, the next he's throwing his schlitz at the TV

'cause some lady sportscaster came on.

[Chuckles]

I swore I'd never be like that.

You're not that bad.

If you were, why would we all spend all our time over here?

Oh, you just come here for the pool.

That's not...

That's not true.

No. Crazy.

[Inhales and exhales deeply]

Dad, you are a long way from turning into grandpa.

You know, I was with him the first time he saw sushi in the grocery store.

He grabbed the price check mike and treated us all to a little lecture on Pearl Harbor.

You just have to fight it a little.

I appreciate it, honey.

Mm.

I'm not sure some of this just isn't natural order of things.

[Door opens]

Bogey at 10:00! Move it!

This is not a drill!

What?

[Drone whirring]

Gentlemen, on my count, let slip the dogs of w*r!

8... 7...

What the hell are you three doing out here?!

Now if we have a prayer at this thing, we have to triangulate.

Phil, stay where you are.

Luke, by the tree. Give me some of those oranges.

Here you go.

Now let's go on my count, 'cause nobody starts at 8.

3... 2... 1.

[All yelling]

Get the hell off the space above my lawn!

Ow!

Take a look at this. Look at this.

[Laughter]

[Bang]

Hey!

[Laughter]

We did it!

We did it!

[Laughter]

Drone 2, Idiots 1!

[Laughs]

Some boys need a little help, but not all boys.

[Crying]

No binky.

All right, dad, we're ready for you.

Just give us five minutes.

Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.

Closet, but no cigar.

Why? Because we closet.

I'll have what she's closet.

[As "Forrest Gump"]

Mama always said life is like a box of closets.

On your mark, get set, closet.

[Imitates announcer voice]

Let's get ready to closet!

[As "Tony Montana"]

Say hello to my little closet.

Damn it. They're all good.