02x15 - Friends, Lies And Videotape

[bunniefuu]

(Crows cawing)

There's lots of different ways to make friends.

Sometimes they live across the street.

Sometimes you share a dorm room, and sometimes the school counselor makes you participate in a social skills group every Wednesday at 2:00.

(Stilted voice) I like flying kites. (Stilted voice) I like flying kites also.

We should fly kites together sometime.

I would like that very much. Till then, friend.

Very good, boys.

Now, parents, today is a big day here.

Some of our members have made great progress and are...

(Singsongy) Moving ahead to the yellow group.

(Normal voice) Zack, congratulations.

(Imitates cat meowing)

Also moving ahead are Sam, Ben, Robbie, and... Jake.

Great job, guys. This concludes our social skills pageant.

Hi, Mrs. tompkins.

We were just wondering... how do I put this?

Why'd everyone except Brick get moved up? (Sighs)

What? What other question could we possibly have?

Listen, I would love to move Brick ahead.

I really would. It's just that he hasn't...

Progressed as much as the other kids.

Really? 'Cause maybe it's just me, but I thought he nailed that kite conversation.

Did you get my e-mail about how vital it is that parents play and interact with them at home?

Oh! Are you kidding? Oh, we play with him all the time.

Mom! Your turn!

Roll for me.

7!

You made it into the safety zone!

Whoo! This thing is really heating up now.

We... you know, got... busy.

But it really is important.

It'd just be a shame if he missed out on his childhood.

♪
♪ that's why you run to me ♪
♪ ah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Dudes! This is the greatest rock song ever written!

We can't keep it to ourselves, though.

We gotta get it on YouTube, share it with the world!

All we need is a hot girl to star in our video. Yeah.

No, a hot woman so it doesn't look like an amateur thing.

How about my mom?

Darrin. Gross. You haven't seen her lately. She lost, like, 14 pounds.

Or we could try and erase that image from our brains and ask someone like our biology teacher, Ms. Devereaux.

Oh, man. She is so hot. You think she'd do it?

Why not? I'm sure she'd dig being famous, plus she could probably use the cash.

I mean, what do teacher's make, 100, 200 grand tops? (Door opens)

Mr. heck, Mrs. heck! How you doing, little Brickster?

I've already done my social time for today. Thanks.

You see? This is why he didn't move up.

We dropped the ball. He didn't learn to play.

He can't make friends. He's gonna miss his childhood, and it's all our fault.

Let's just take a step back a second.

Is childhood really that great?

(Lowered voice) Dad! May I have a word with you?

Privately?

Sure.

Please sit down.

Okay.

(Inhales and exhales deeply) Can I go to... no. You don't even know what it is.

Well, if you're asking me, that means your mom must have already said no, so... no. Can you at least hear the question?

Sure. Sorry.

I want to see an "r"-rated movie.

No.

Dad! (Whiny voice) Please.

There are a ton of reasons why I should be allowed to see this movie.

Just hear me out.

Number one... "I am very mature and have exhibited maturity in other aspects of my life, making me prepared to watch mature situations and adult themes. Number two... it stars my favorite actor, Taylor Lautner."

I-I-I'll skip down a bit.

Uh, 27... honey, you're not 17. It's against the law.

Just take my list. Peruse it at your leisure.

Sue, it's not happenin'.

It doesn't matter if you have a hundred reasons why.

Oh. Look at that. You do.

Mike may not have been worried, but I was.

Brick was not gonna miss out on his childhood, not on my watch.

Not your thing? That's cool. How about, uh... hey.

How about some pogo stick?

Huh? Look. Whoo!

No? Okay? Well, what else? Um...

Ooh. How about we do some skipping?

That's fun and childhood-y. We gotta love skipping. Huh?

Can we just go inside?

No. We're not going in till you act like a kid, and if I were you, I'd get started. Oh, this is fun.

You know what? This is fun. I forgot how much fun it was.

Okay, you know what? You watch me first, and then I'll catch you on the next lap, okay?

(School bell rings)

(Indistinct conversations)

Ms. d.?

You've seen music videos, right?

Yes, I have.

That's good. Well, you know how there's always a beautiful woman in them?

You mean the one they exploit by using her as scantily clad eye candy? Sure. What's your question?

Uh... we were wondering if we could... write a paper about how that's bad.

Well, I'm sure you could, but this is biology.

Axl: Right.

(Chuckles) Probably ask our English teacher.

Yeah.

Thank you for your time.

Okay.

I'm telling you, Mike, I don't know why we ever quit skipping. It was like our main mode of transportation in the third grade, and then for some reason, we all just stopped, and you know why? 'Cause society says that adults shouldn't skip. Crazy, right?

I don't know. I'm kinda with society on this one.

You have to try it. It's amazing.

I mean, sure, you look like an idiot when you're doing it, but you don't care because you're skipping.

And it really clears your head. I was thinking about Brick when I was skipping, and I had this epiphany. We know our son better than anybody, so why should we let someone who spends an hour a week with him tell us what he needs or doesn't need? Yeah. He's been going there a year, and all he's got is "I like kites"?

Same me the $10 co-pay. He can like kites for free.

Right? Our son is happy. He's content.

That's why he doesn't try to make friends...

'cause he doesn't want them.

So I'm not gonna make myself nuts about all of this.

When Brick tells me he wants a friend, then I'll know there's a real issue.

Mom, dad, I think I might want a friend.

You know what I like. Let me know when you find him.

And back to me.

Ugh!

I'm going out for a skip.

The next day, Axl and the Axmen decided even if Ms. Devereaux sh*t 'em down, there was no reason they couldn't still have her star in the video.

They'd just have to do it without her knowing. So at first,

I thought photosynthesis had something to do with cameras, but then I said, "come on, a* man. This is biology.

Cameras weren't even invented back then, and besides..."

You know what? I'll just leave this one blank.

Ms. Devereaux, look out!

You have a giant spider in your hair.

(Gasps) Ohh!

Did I get it?

Got it.

Axl and the Axmen weren't the only ones not taking "no" for an answer.

Sue and carly were coming up with an ill-advised solution to their problem, too.

(Loud, stilted voice) This should be a good movie.

I'm so glad I got the afternoon off work from the chiropractor's office where I work.

(Loud, stilted voice) My work's been stressful, too.

I've got a big memo due by the end of the month.

How is your coffee?

Good. How's your coffee?

Good.

Remember when we saw "127 hours"?

I didn't think there was enough sex and v*olence.

I could have used more mature themes.

Yeah. I could have totally handled it.

(Lowers voice) We're next.

Oh, my God.

I think the ticket taker's looking at us.

My heart is racing!

Man: Next!

(Deep voice) Two adult tickets for "rivers of love," please.

(Whispering) Sue!

Your braces.

(Gasps)

Thank you.

Do you require anything else from us at this time?

No.

Very well.

(Both squeal)

So Mike and I agreed if Brick wanted a friend, he should find one on his own.

But since that was never gonna happen...

Hi there.

You look like a nice young boy.

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

No. Wait!

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two together?

No. I'm here by myself.

I have trouble making friends.

Do you now?

Hey. What are you doing? Are you filming me?

Axl: Oh, crap!

So she busted us. We still got everything we needed.

Did we, Darrin? The song's called "run to me," and what's the one thing we don't have a sh*t of her doing? Showering?

We never got her running!

Ugh! I did not put almost three hours of my life into this to just walk away.

We've gotta come up with a plan to save this.

First... let's take a break.

(Doorbell rings) Okay, rock stars, that's Brick's friend. Everybody clear out. (Ring)

(Singsongy) That's for me. That's my friend.

My friend's here!

Hi, Gerald. This is Brick.

Brick, this is Gerald.

I sure hope you're ready to have fun, Gerald, 'cause we sure are.

Who's ready to make their own gummy worms?

Yep. I was gonna pull out every trick in the mom book. I made tents... I made snacks... And I made sure it only lasted 48 minutes so Brick didn't lose interest.

Thanks for having me. I had a great time.

Did you hear that, Brick? He had a great time.

Are you sure I can't give you something for the ride home?

How about a bag of marshmallows? No, thanks. I'm full.

Oh, come on. I can't send you home empty-handed.

Oh. Here's a dollar.

Okay.

Have your mom call for another playdate.

(Sighs)

You were awesome!

I have a friend, mom!

I know!

I just don't get it.

It's been three days, and Gerald hasn't called.

Three days. After having a great time.

His words, by the way... "a great time."

Well, maybe it wasn't as great as you thought it was.

Oh, it was, too. I mean, I pumped him full of sugar, let him jump on the bed. Laughed at all his stupid jokes.

I completely put out for that playdate.

What's this?

"Rivers of love"?

That's the name of the movie Sue wanted to see, but I said no.

Well, there's also a receipt for coffee and scones, so either Sue or a British woman stole my sweater and saw "rivers of love."

I can't believe it. I can't believe she went and saw that movie after we told her not to. What should we do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna punish her.

How do I do that? What?

I don't think we've ever punished Sue, have we?

I don't think we have. No, of course we have.

What about the time she clogged the toilet with her Barbie?

No, that wasn't her, remember?

We thought it was her, but it turned out to be Axl.

Didn't she make a bunch of long distance phone calls without asking? Axl.

She broke the frame on our wedding picture and tried to hide it.

No, we thought she broke it, but she was just getting it reframed for our anniversary.

Right. That was thoughtful. (Sighs) So thoughtful.

She really is a great kid. Yeah.

But you know what? She flat out disobeyed me.

I gotta go put the hammer down.

Her door's closed. She's probably sleeping.

I'll put the hammer down tomorrow.

Mom, did my friend call?

Oh. No, Brick, not yet.

But it's been four days. Can we call him?

Brick, I told you.

We have to wait for him to call us.

If we call, Gerald won't think you're cool.

I think he knows I'm not.

(Sighs) Okay, sure. Let's give him a call.

(Beeping)

Hi, dawn. It's Brick's mom.

Well, just checking in 'cause the boys had such a great time on their playdate.

Gerald's words... "great time."

Yeah. And Brick's had some other friends over in the last few days, but he keeps coming back to Gerald 'cause he just really had a connection.

So we were wondering if Gerald would be interested in coming over to play again.

Oh, he'd love to, but he's... sick.

Oh! He's been sick. Ah! (Mouths word)

Oh, all right. Well, we'll try again another time.

Yeah, and tell him we hope he gets better.

Okay. Bye. (Beep)

(Sighs) He's been sick.

That's why he hasn't called in the last few days.

Oh, well. You know what?

This kind of news calls for ice cream.

I'll get my coat.

Sue, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

(Sighs) Your mom and I found this ticket stub, and we are very disappointed...

I'm sorry! (Sobbing) I'm so sorry.

I should have listened to you. You were right.

You were totally right!

I'm not ready to see an "r"-rated movie!

They said and did weird things.

And then how could he sleep with his wife and then sleep with his wife's sister the next day?

It was disgusting! And that's not even the worst of it!

Mom's always telling me to just put one pump of butter on my popcorn, but I put three pumps 'cause I thought I could handle it!

But I couldn't, dad! I couldn't handle it!

I threw up on the theater floor.

Oh, God. How could I ever doubt you?

(Sobbing)

Okay, well, it seems like you realize what you did was wrong, but, Sue, you know, there are consequences to lying.

There should be so many consequences!

Right... and so you are grounded for a week. No TV.

No, that's not enough! I defied you!

Oh. Okay. Well...

I'm taking your iPod, too.

And I lied about where I was.

Uh, how about... no phone?

I took mom's sweater without asking!

(Sighs) I'm kinda running out of things to take from you, Sue.

Well, sometimes after school, I like to go over to the soccer field and watch the guy mow the lawn.

All right. You can't do that... For two weeks.

Matter of fact, that's kinda strange.

Why don't you stop doing that altogether?

But wait. There's more!

Look at this!

(Sobbing)

Brick and I did it!

Oh, God! I just sold Brick down the river!

What kind of a sister am I?!

I should be punished for not supporting my brother!

I should be punished for everything I ever did wrong because you guys are the best parents ever...

45 minutes later, when Sue was finally done punishing herself, Mike was more than a little stressed out.

So Gerald was sick, and we were on top of the world.

But then something started to nag at me.

His mom said, "he's been... sick."

Why the pause? Unless she was lying.

Unless the whole thing was a lie 'cause he didn't wanna play with my son.

There was only one way to find out.

(Tires screech)

(Brakes squeal)

Sick, huh?

And I let you jump on my bed.

(Tires screech)

Is this the way to the ice cream store?

It's a shortcut.

You're going kinda fast, mom.

Just read your book. I know what I'm doing. (Crash)

Okay, take a good look at us,

'cause once this video drops, you're gonna have to fight through bouncers just to touch us. (Click)

♪ One, two, three, you know you want me ♪
♪ you know you need me ♪
♪ you'll even bleed for me, can't get enough of me ♪
♪ you are so into me ♪
♪ you're such a hot hottie ♪
♪ you say we'll meet at 3 ♪
♪ that's why you run to me ♪
♪ that's why you run to me, that's why you run to me ♪
♪ that's why you run to me, that's why you run to me ♪

Oh, man. Darrin, is that your mom?

Just watch. She does some really nice work here.

♪ Run to me, you are so into me ♪
♪ that's why you run to me, uhh ♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Wh... no.

(Sighs) If we'd given her time to put her spanx on like she asked, this whole thing would have worked. (School bell rings)

I am so sorry.

You should be.

You slammed right into me!

I said I was sorry.

Maybe I was just surprised to see Gerald looking so healthy.

Oh. We were on our way to the...

Doctor. Really? Why don't we pop the trunk and you can explain why there's rollerblades in there.

Oh, my God! Have you been following us?

Don't try to make this about me!

That was a cool car crash.

Yeah, pretty cool.

If you squint, the car now sort of looks like Starscream, the transformer.

I don't know transformers.

(Whispers) Transformers.

Really?

My grandma gave me a kite with Starscream on it.

I like flying kites.

I like flying kites also. Really?

We should fly kites together sometime.

Okay, that'd be great. This is my book.

Look, Gerald already had a playdate planned with Theo. Interesting.

'Cause when I approached him in the park the other day, he was giving off a vibe that he was very available and interested.

Clearly, he was already committed to Theo. But I like Brick, too!

You do? Okay, then, if you like him, then it seems like we can get something going here.

Brick, get over here! The problem wasn't Brick.

You sort of scared Gerald.

Okay. I hear that, and I can change.

I can change that. Brick!

But I'm talking to Arlo!

I said get over here now!

He likes flying kites. He invited me over to his house.

He wants to be my friend.

Yeah, we don't have time for that, Brick, but... wait.

He wants to be your friend? Yep!

You made a friend all by yourself?

So do you wanna try and set something up for next week?

Nah. You know what? I think we're good.

Mom, this is Arlo.

He likes kites and transformers and guess what else?

And just like that, Brick made his first friend... Without me.

So we had one kid who wasn't growing up too fast after all...

Cool. Now I'll be my mom and slam into your car.

Another who thought she was ready to grow up but wasn't.

I thought you were going to Carly's.

I'm grounding myself for another week.

I just don't feel I've quite learned my lesson.

If anyone calls, I'm not allowed to use the phone.

And one who might never grow up.

Hey, where are you going?

We found a different way to get famous off YouTube.

We're gonna launch ourselves off Darrin's garage. Lates.

(Door opens)

Personally, I don't get why anybody would ever wanna grow up.

Ow! Ooh! Cramp! (Groans)