04x03 - Seaplane!

[bunniefuu]

Why is that old couple holding hands in side-by-side bathtubs?

(gasps) Is this an ad for side-by-side bathtubs?!

I want them!

Where have you been? It's 8:15.

We have half the town out looking for you.

Tina: How was date night?

Great.

It was all right.

It was great.

It was fine.

It was really good.

Yeah, it was fine.

I'll take my doggie bag now.

Breadsticks, breadsticks, breadsticks.

Breadsticks!

Well, I'm going to sleep.

I'm exhausted from painting the town beige.

What's that supposed to mean?

I-I thought you liked Rudy's.

Yeah, the first 15 times.

Bobby, we almost never get to go out.

Next time we should try something new.

Look, we work hard, so on the rare occasion we take a little break, it's nice to know what we're getting.

Whoa, Dad. Turn the romance down a notch, eh?

Bob, I'm tired of us plopping down at Rudy's and eating soup, salad, breadsticks and fish.

It's always soup and salad, breadsticks and fish.

The type of soup changes.

What was it tonight?

Cream of something.

Thank you, Tina.

(groans)

We need adventure or we're gonna shrivel up and die right in front of the kids.

I call dibs on Mom and Dad's room!

I call their clothes and jewelry!

I call, uh, um, wait, what left?

Dad's DVDs.

Dibs!

All the cards we've ever given Mom.

Mine!

This is all happening so fast.

Put your seat-backs and tray tables up 'cause we're about to take off!

Okay.

(whoops) Seaplane flying lessons?

What's a seaplane?

I want to say it's a plane you can see, but that can't be right.

I was at the market and I took this flyer out of a woman's shopping cart, and I signed you and me up for flying lessons.

First lesson's free!

Aren't you excited?

Uh, no. I hate flying on big planes.

Why would I want to go on a smaller, even less comfortable plane?

Are you doing that thing where you're mean to seaplanes because you really like seaplanes?

Pullin' on their hair.

Let's just stick to good ol' Rudy's.

No! No, no, no!

No more boring dates!

We need adventure, excitement!

We're flying. Look at me...

No, Lin.

Come on, give me your hand. Come on!

No, I don't... No.

Lin, stop. I'm not going on a seaplane.

Look out. Look out for the bird.

Uh-oh, there's a balloon.

How'd that get up here?

I'm not in the air. Oh, look at the town from up here.

I don't see anything.

I'm on the ground.

I see it. The people look like ants.

No, wait, those are ants.

And that's where Ma lives and Pa.

I told you, I didn't go in the plane. I'm not with you.

(groans) Fine!

Then I'll go on our adventure by myself!

You go to Rudy's and have a cannelloni all alone-y!

Oh, my! She just rhyme-b*rned you.

Put some lotion on that.

Yoo-hoo.

I'm here for the seaplane lesson.

Are one of you fellas the flight teacher?

Oh, not me, I'm old.

But if you're looking for a father figure, look no further, young lady.

Aw. No.

Fair enough.

Hi there.

I'm Kurt. Nice to meet you.

I'm Linda.

This was supposed to be a couple's lesson but my husband's being a jerk.

I-I mean, he didn't want to come.

I-I mean, h-he couldn't come.

Too bad. His loss.

I'll go.

Gus?

Just kidding.

I know I'm not allowed to go.

Well, let me introduce you.

Linda, this is Shoshana.

Oh.

She's a 1968 Sweetnam Eagle that I rebuilt by hand.

She's 45 years old, but she looks 30 and she handles like she's 18.

Oh, if I die today, I want that on my headstone.

I love it.

(engine starts)

Go ahead and grab ahold of that yoke.

Now, once that little needle reaches 60 knots...

Linda (gasps): We're flying!

No, you're flying.

Oh!

(laughs)

(laughing): I'm flying! I am flying!

You're a great teacher, Kurt.

You're great for noticing.

I am flying.

Better than breadsticks!

(whoops)

Kurt: I haven't heard that one but okay...

(bell tinkles)

Uh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

(quietly): Shh, shh, shh. Quiet, Bob.

All right, see you in hell, Roger!

What? This is the only spot I get good reception.

Ooh, is someone taking flying lessons?

Yeah, our mom.

Poor Bob.

I had no clue you and Linda were on the rocks.

We're not.

You're not not on the rocks.

Ah, denial. A woman doesn't take flying lessons from Upskirt Kurt because she's satisfied in her marriage.

Wait, what are you talking about? Who's Upskirt Kurt?

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that guy.

The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.

What do you mean "beds"?

He makes their beds?

No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.

Hmm... I hope he's a good listener because that bird likes to chirp.

All right, knock it off.

I-It's just a flying lesson.

With Upskirt Kurt. Look, you know what's happening right now?

She's cramped in a way too small space, nauseous from diesel fumes and this guy's B.O.

You just described her life with you.

Trust me, she is hating it.

Whoa...!

I wouldn't be too sure, Bob. See, uh, Kurt has a certain aphrodisiac he utilizes.

Aphrodisiac?

Yes, yes.

First, he pretends there's a problem with the plane...

(beeping) What's th...

Wh-what's that sound?

What-what's that sound?

Are we okay?

Huh, that's odd.

We're losing altitude.

Radio's dead.

Wha-what? What's going on?

What's happening?!

We're okay, but we're going down.

(screams)

Then a fake emergency landing on an uninhabited island.

Quippiquisset lsland, to be precise.

But the locals call it "Quicky Kiss-it."

Why do they call it that?

It's a make-out island.

Where people go to make-out.

That's why I want to get a kayak.

Quicky Kiss-it?

Mm.

Emergency landing?

That cannot work.

It could, Bob. Look at Castaway.

Tom Hanks falls in love with a volleyball.

It works. Kurt's a hero, and the bored wife is putty in his big, strong hands.

Tina: Oh, I didn't know he had big, strong hands.

Louise: Or putty.

We're gonna die!

I've never d*ed before and I'm not about to start now.

The bored wife cheats death, then cheats on her husband.

That's the power of adrenaline, kids.

Oh, you should teach at my school.

And you should work in my coal mine.

Got to go.

Sorry about your marriage!

So, so sorry, Bob.

Look, I really don't think a professional flight instructor is going around faking emergency landings, Teddy.

Bah. You're probably right.

(panting) Linda, look at me.

Huh.

We're gonna be okay.

Huh. I'm gonna set her down nice and easy.

Okay.

Oh, God, the engine!

(Linda screams)

Linda: I don't want to die!

I don't want to die!

Just got to point the nose down into a controlled dive.

Oh!

We're gonna crash!

No, we're gonna flare.

Wait for the plane to settle onto the water.

Just like a duck on a pond.

O-kay. D-Duck, duck, duck, duck.

Oh, duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck! Duck!

Duck! Quackity, quackity! Quackity, quackity!

Duckity duck!

You did it!

We're alive!

Oh, Kurt, you saved us!

I did. I really did.

I guess between my training and my... (retches) instincts, uh... (retches)

Okay. Oh, God. (retches)

I've got mouthwash around here somewhere. (grunts)

Gene: Upskirt Kurt... what a nickname.

I mean, it rhymes, for one.

Is Mom wearing a skirt?

I can't remember.

What did she wear today?

Maybe he supplies the skirts on the plane.

All right, knock it off. Your mom isn't being seduced right now.

And I shouldn't have to say that to my kids.

Well, you did get into a big fight with her earlier.

And shouldn't she be back by now?

She should...

(sighs) Oh, God.

All right, you know what? Let's go down and meet her at the docks.

Not like I'm worried but just because I...

We should see the docks.

Ah, nothing like seeing a good dock, right, Dad?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for my wife.

She's taking a flying lesson.

She may or may not be wearing a skirt.

Oh, my goodness, this is awkward.

Uh, what? Wh-why?

Nothing. So, flying lesson, huh?

(chuckling nervously)

Uh, yes, she's, uh... she's supposed to be back by now.

Gosh. I-I just don't normally see the husband.

Or the kids. Jeesh.

Real life comes up and hits you in the face.

Uh, okay, uh, all right.

Uh, maybe we should go check out the island.

You know, just to be safe.

Uh, sir, how do we get to, um, uh...

Quicky Kiss-it lsland.

It's called Quippiquisset.

And I have no idea.

I guess the best way to get there is to crash a seaplane.

What are you doing here, Bob?

Shouldn't you be rescuing your bride?

Uh, um, I'm trying to get out there.

Someone's got to have a boat for hire around here.

What do you think this is, Key West?

Everybody's just got a boat?

This guy thinks everywhere is Key West.

Take the ferry to King's Head lsland.

Maybe there you'll find this colorful, fictional boat-for-hire that you're looking for.

Yeah, it's got to be colorful, right, Dad?

Okay, yeah, the ferry.

L-Let's do it.

Ticktock, Bob. Upskirt Kurt moves faster than this.

He's not called "Kurt the Long Slow Courtship Guy."

She's not cheating on me!

Okay...

Well, what do we do now? The radio's dead.

No one knows we're here.

Can you fix the plane?

Maybe. The engine's still too hot though.

We'll have to wait it out.

Man, I'm parched.

Prosecco?

Ooh, I love champagne.

It's, uh, Prosecco.

What?

(burps)

Oh, God.

These bubbles make me burp.

You always fly with champagne?

Prosecco. I was gonna take my mother on a picnic after our lesson.

She lives upstate.

I love her dearly, and she loves picnics.

Aw. But since we're stranded, we'll need the energy.

Do you like cheese?

I love cheese.

Almost dying really makes you hungry.

It does.

But I promise you, I'll find us a way off of this rock.

Got any mozz?

Hey, let's get out of the sun so we don't dehydrate.

There might be a shady meadow over that hill.

And maybe go a little easy on the cheese.

Mmm. Oh, it's good.

Wow, you were right about the meadow.

Hey, look, a lute!

I always wanted to play one of these.

The hell's a lute?

(vocalizing)

(high-pitched vocalizing)

(vocalizing)

If anything, I was sharp because you were flat.

Or I was perfect.

(horn blasting)

Gene: So long, mainland!

My island name will be Daiquiri Zachary.

When you're not pouring drinks, you're solving mysteries.

Quicky Kiss-it? Can there really be a whole island for kissing?

Ah...

♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Ooh, Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪

Whoa.

Dad, what's gonna happen when you see Upskirt Kurt?

Are you gonna punch him?

(sighs)

I'm not punching anyone, Louise.

Dad's not a fighter, he's a yeller.

An old yeller.

Normally I'd agree, but we're talking about Dad's woman.

I think it gets physical.

I'm sure nothing is happening on that island.

Mr. Fischoeder!

No!

Why didn't you say you had a boat?!

I have a boat!

There. Are you happy?

No!

Bye!

Uh, excuse me, can you, uh, take us to Quippiquisset lsland?

AKA Quicky Kiss-it lsland.

Where the currency is kisses and everyone is rich.

That's my daughter. Well, I can take you as far as here.

That's my mail route. Uh, great.

That'd be great.

No one lives on Quippiquisset, so no one sends mail there.

Just neckers and canoodlers on Quippiquisset.

Hmm.

Um, okay.

And gropers. Huh. Got it.

We'll, uh... we'll take the ride right away.

Something about Quippiquisset just makes people horny as hell.

Hmm.

Okay, thank you.

Here, have a grape.

They're juicy.

Nah, I got the stuff grapes grow up to be right here.

Well, I've got the stuff boys grow up to be right here.

(sultry music playing) Okay... You think the engine's cool enough to check on now?

Hard to say. There's a lot of heat on this island.

The heat of the engine, the heat between you and me, us...

(music stops)

What are you doing?

Giving in. Join me.

Giving in? What?

(music resumes) We just had a brush with death.

Our adrenaline and our endorphins are running wild... let's go with it!

(music stops) No! No, no, no!

My endorphins want to go home.

(music resumes) Really?

Well, my endorphins think we should take turns kissing each other's faces.

(whispers): You go first.

Okay, I'll go first.

(music stops)

Whoa. Kurt, wrong idea.

Cool your engines right now, buddy.

(music resumes) Isn't this what you want?

Adventure?

Linda, you asked the universe for help, and it gave you me.

Namaste.

Captain, you are not cleared for landing, capisce?

Kiss me, Linda, and we can fly lying down.

(music stops) (grunts) Ow!

What the hell?

Wow, that really works.

Why would you head-butt me?

I was gonna punch you, but I'm holding wine.

I can't believe you're rejecting me.

Yeah, I'm married, you idiot.

So are all my other clients. Ugh!

Everything was going perfectly.

What do you mean?

We crash-landed.

Kinda.

(gasps) You didn't!

(grunts)

Ow! Stop it!

That's for faking an emergency.

And since there's nothing wrong with the plane, let's go!

Now!

Fine.

Let me just put the lute back.

That there is Quippiquisset.

Good day for neckin'.

Don't kiss anybody, Linda!

Not that I think you would.

Don't get pregnant!

I want to be the baby!

No! Do get pregnant!

I want a brother!

Or maybe get a dog first, to practice?

You guys want to read some mail, take your mind off of things?

All right, where'd you hide your dumb flying boat?

Oh, no!

No! No, no, no, no.

Seriously, where's the plane?

I don't know!

It must have floated away!

What?! How the hell does that happen?

The tide came in!

So now we're stuck here?!

My plane! Oh, my God, oh, my God, my plane!

Ow!

You-you turd!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on!

Help...!

Someone get me off this stinkin' island!

We're gonna starve out here, all because you thought I was so bored of my marriage that I would have sex with some slimy seaplane pilot.

Unbelievable.

No. We're gonna starve 'cause you ate all the cheese.

I bet that picnic wasn't even for your mother.

Doy, Linda. Look, I'm not gonna apologize for giving women what they want.

Women do not want to be tricked into having sex.

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds gross.

Listen, buster, you stay on your side of the island, I'll stay on mine.

Wait, switch sides; that side's better.

(groaning)

Man: Well, this is as far as I can take you.

Time to reseal some of these envelopes.

(chuckles): Definitely a federal offense.

Nope, think you're wrong there.

Not if you seal 'em back up.

Right, yep.

You're not gonna go tellin' on me, are ya? Nope.

We got to find a way to get to Quippiquisset.

Louise: Dinghy for four?

Whoa, whoa, but that's not ours.

Come on, Dad, suck it up.

We got to get to Quicky-Kiss-it before he quicky-kisses Mom.

Linda: Sheesh, this island's seen a lot of emergency landings.

Hey, Linda?

What, Kurt?!

You got every right to hate me.

Now that I've had a little time to think, I hate me, too.

Yeah, 'cause you're a jerk.

I'm pathetic.

I chase bored housewives. Why?

Because... I don't have any love in my life.

No, you don't.

I know, I don't.

I know.

I like to think there's someone out there for everyone, but, uh... but...

(sobbing)

(croaking, sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

Okay, all-all right.

O... Uh, I know.

O... I know.

Shh...

Okay, shh, stop it.

Stop it.

All right, come on.

All right, don't be such a baby.

There's probably somebody out there for you.

Some freak.

(moans)

Hey! (grunts)

(chokes) What's wrong with you?

(choking): Your hands are soft.

Rub my breasts.

No!

(grunts)

Why is rowing so hard?

Are we even moving?

Tidal wave!

Here comes another one.

What is with these waves?

They just keep coming!

There she is! Linda!

Bob?

Kids? You found us!

Kids, stay in the boat.

It's a dinghy.

Get your hands off her, Upskirt Kurt! Huh?

My-my hands are nowhere near her.

I don't understand.

Easy, friend.

We're not friends!

You think we're friends?

Yes, I do.

Are you seeing how tan this guy is?

That's all I'm seeing.

Careful, Dad.

Watch out for his big, strong tan hands.

Hey, hey, guy.

Let me tell you something...

(panting): guy!

(groans) In a second.

I just got to catch my breath.

Rowing is really hard.

But you make it look so easy, Dad.

No, you don't.

You look horrible.

Oh, God, Mom's gonna leave you for Kurt.

(weak growl) Ah-ah-ah-ah, stay on your side.

Ah...

Ow!

You punched my butt!

What is it with you people?

What were you even aiming for?

I don't know.

The rowing really k*lled me.

I can't raise my hands very high.

Lin, did he try anything?

Oh, yeah, couple times.

But I smooshed his face like this.

Eh! Call her off, call her off!

Hey, look, it's Mr. Fischoeder.

Wha...?

Mr. Fischoeder!

Bob? Is that you?

You look macarooned.

We are!

Help us!

Look what I found!

(Kurt gasps)

Shoshana.

Eh, Sho-shove it! Ha!

Ow!

Well, climb aboard if you want a ride.

Can we ride in the plane?

Sure.

Okay, just wipe your feet off. Aah!

Sorry to leave you, Quicky Kiss-it.

We both know you haven't seen the last of Tina Belcher.

So... how was the lesson?

(tensely): Great.

Yeah. This is way better than Rudy's.

Huh? Bottomless salad bowl looking a little better now, huh, Lin?

Aw, go suck on a crouton!

Kurt: So, how many horses you got under the hood?

Uh... I think about a thousand.

Is that a lot?

Oh, that's a lot.

Let's see.

(both whooping)

Yee-hah!

(whooping continues)

Whoa, that boat can really zoom.

Aah! Buckle your seat belts, kids!

(shaking); It's getting a little bumpy.

And a little fly-y!

Linda: Holy crap! We're lifting off!

Louise: And we are airborne, people!

Yay! I got in the Mile High Club!

Early admission!

Hey! We got to tell them to slow down!

Hey! Where's the horn on this thing?

There's no horn. You should really lower the plane, guys.

We know, Tina!

I mean, because of that.

Bridge...!

(screaming)

(screaming)

Oh, it's also got a stereo.

(tenor singing aria) Oh!

All right!

The plane's not lowering.

We're going too fast.

Then we got to go up.

We got to go over the bridge.

How?

We have to cut the towrope somehow.

Gene, hand me that toolbox.

Oh, come on, there's nothing in here but massage oil and a wine opener.

Wine opener!

Ding!

Thank you, Louise! This is no time for wine, Dad!

Oh, man.

You're going out there?

Yes, Louise, I'm going out on the wing of an airplane.

It's called a pontoon!

Pontoon!

Shut up, Gene!

Tina: And that's called a bridge.

Oh, Bobby, this is crazy; don't go out there.

I have to!

Okay, I can do this.

(groans)

(yells)

Aah!

Linda: Bobby, be careful.

I'm trying!

But also hurry, please.

Yes, thank you for that!

Oh, Bob, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said you were boring.

I should never have signed up for this.

No, Lin, I'm sorry.

I know we should go on better date nights. I...

Louise: Maybe you should just have this conversation later!

Yeah. She's right, she's right.

I agree! That would be best!

Both: ♪ Figaro, Gigolo, Figaro, Gigolo ♪
♪ Gigolo, Figaro, Figaro, Gigolo... ♪

(both continue singing with opera music)

Tina: Did you save us yet, Dad?

Not yet, Tina.

How about now, Dad?

No! I'm trying to do it!

How much progress have you made?

It's not a real Kn*fe, And I'm on the wing of a plane!

Gene: Pontoon!

Just a percent, a percent.

It's looking pretty grim, Dad!

Just sayin'.

Bob: The constant questions aren't helping!

Wait, wait, almost got it.

Bob: Oh, boy.

Bridge, bridge, bridge, bridge, bridge!

Linda, hit it! Go up!

Linda: Aah...

(several screaming)

Are you still there, Bob?

Yes! I want to be inside now, though.

Dad! Dad! Dad!

Oh, Bobby!

You rescued us!

That was close.

Oh, you're my hero.

(retching)

Oh, it's okay, I puked, too.

Linda, you're flying.

I know, right?

Wait. Can you land?

I mean, did you learn that?

No. Oh.

Oh. Well... that might be an issue.

Oh.

That's odd.

What?

Never mind.

Okay.

Linda: Oh, I think I know what to do.

Kurt was faking it, but I watched him take this thing down.

Then do that. Yeah. Now.

Do it now!

I am.

Just got to act like we're going to crash...

Crash?! Why are we gonna act like we're doing that? Here we go.

(screaming, gasping)

Linda: Uh, this should work.

Bob: It's not working!

I can do this. I feel like Amelia Earhart.

Oh, God, she d*ed.

I feel like a regular captain on a regular plane.

What the...?

And... flair... mama!

Shoshana, Shoshana, oh, oh, oh, oh, God, God, God, oh...!

(screaming)

(screaming, yelling, gasping)

Looks like Kurt's trying to land with his penis again.

(screaming continues)

(cheering, whooping)

Yes!

How are we alive?!

'Cause your mom is incredible!

Flying's the best!

Why do we drive anywhere?

Best date ever.

Whoo! I have so much adrenaline pumping through my veins.

Me, too.

Oh, it really puts me in the mood, Bobby.

Oh. Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. Crash-landing really is an aphrodisiac.

Kids, uh, swim to shore.

Your father and I are gonna have a "Proshecco" picnic.

Prosecco.

Oh, yeah, that.

Okay.

Bye, Tina.

Bob: Tina, uh, come back.

Linda: We were joking.

Gene: Remember, do your ice cream scoops.

Linda: Ooh, now I'm hungry for ice cream.

♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Whoo! Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ She's kissin', she's kissin'

♪ She's kissin' so quick ♪
♪ Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Ooh! Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Uh-huh, Quicky Kiss-it ♪
♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah... ♪