04x18 - Ambergris

[bunniefuu]

Low tide is great.

The ocean is just giving this stuff away?

If you see any bottles, check for a romantic message inside.

I call dibs on any hook hands or peg legs.

Hey, what do you think this is?

(sniffs) It smells disgusting!

(sniffs) No, wait, it smells amazing!

(sniffs) Like the boys' locker room on a hot summer day.

All: (sniffing) Gross!

(sniffing) Great!

(sniffing) Gross! Great!

I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great.

Is that what sex will be like?

Hey, Mr. Fisch!

Hey, m'lady Bob.

(chuckles) Uh, rent's not due, is it?

I mean more due than usual?

Relax. I just stopped by to introduce you to my brother.

Brother? I didn't know you had a brother.

Yep, I have a brother. Felix.

He's, uh, in town for a while.

(quietly): His inheritance ran out.

So he'll be doing some of the landlording around here.

Keep him out of my hair, will you?

Um, o-okay.

Where is he?

He's right, uh... Oh. Uh, oh, he might not want to come in.

Felix, come here!

Felix: No!

Felix...

It looks gross!

Please, Felix.

It's okay to come in.

I came in, and look at me.

I'm fine!

(door opens) There you go. Hi, pal.

Hi! Greetings!

(quietly): I don't want to be here.

Shush. For all your landlording needs, (grunts)

Felix is your man.

Oh, uh, great. Well, did you get my messages about the bathroom?

That I left you?

For the last several months?

Yes, I got them.

How the hell did you get my number?

You gave it to me when we met.

Not to use!

Well, uh, last week, the sink exploded.

And the hot water is brown.

Hot brown water?

Felix loves hot brown water.

I do?

He's good at all that stuff that you just were yammering on about.

Well, gotta go.

Okay, so do you want to call a...

Yes, I'll call whatever you were about to say.

Plumber.

Plumber. Of course, yes. Why?

You know, I can just call him.

I'm supposed to call him!

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Is it always like this?

Does it always take this long?

Is there always this much talking?

What?

Don't say anything else!

I'm not getting roped into another hour-long discussion!

I'll call your plumber!

Good-bye!

(huffing)

Rich people run funny.

Must be all the money in their pockets.

Or it's their big, rich, golden wieners.

Eh, it's probably their wieners.

Yep.

Guys, you know that lump we found on the beach?

My name's Gene!

No, the smelly lump.

His name's Gene!

The other lump.

It's called... ambergris.

Ambergris, aka beach garbage.

And it comes from sperm whales: "When a whale "eats a squid, the sharp squid beak may irritate the whale's digestive system."

Hey, whale, maybe stop eating sharp squid beak!

What are you trying to do?!

"When that happens, the whale's stomach coats the squid beak in a waxy substance that the whale then passes."

Gene: Passes to who?

Like in sports?

Boring whale sports.

I think "passes" means "poops out."

Go on.

"Fun fact: Ambergris is used in the production of high-end perfumes."

People pay to wear whale poop?

Wake up, Louise!

People wear all sorts of animal poops we don't even know about!

It's not poop at all.

It's a waxy substance that whales secrete from...

Whoa! You can eat it!

"King Charles II's favorite meal was ambergris and eggs."

Yep, he looks like a breakfast-for-dinner kinda guy.

That piece sold for $30,000?

Our piece is bigger than that piece.

Ah! Jackpot!

Wait, whoa, whoa, where is our piece?

Where is it?

Gene put it in Mom and Dad's bed.

(panting) Hey, why are you going into our bedroom?

Probably putting something gross in our bed.

I'm taking something gross out of your bed!

Oh, good.

Thanks, sweetie!

Okay. Here it is.

I'm holding $30,000 in my hands.

If somebody wants this and has that much money, they will give it to us?

Am I saying that right?

That can't possibly be right.

Slice me off a little nugget of that, will ya?

I just want to rest it on my tongue.

No way, Gene.

Hey, but with your share of the money, you can buy some other ambergris and eat that.

Yes! It's like instant gratification but later!

Uhhhh...

What, Tina?

We can't sell it.

What are you talking about?

It says here: Ambergris is illegal to sell because whales are endangered.

Oh, well.

I'll just, um, look up the number for the whale crimes unit.

Tina? No.

You're right. We can just ask Mom and Dad what to do with it.

They're pretty cool.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tina, you're not telling Mom or Dad or anybody, do you hear me?

We found it, we're the ones who are gonna get rich, okay?

But it's illegal.

Tina, sweetie...

Yeah?

Guess what? I got a secret.

Hmm? Okay. Okay, ready?

You want to hear the secret?

Yeah, what is it? Ah!

We're selling it!

(quietly): Tina, tell me the secret.

(grunts) Juicy.

Good morning, parents!

And good morning to you, partners in victimless crime.

Uhhhh...

What do you think the odds are that Felix will send a plumber today?

Twenty-twenty!

Wait, is that an odd?

Speaking of odd, uh, yesterday, on the beach, Gene, Louise and I found a...

Sister! A word?

What the hell was that?

You're gonna blow our whole operation.

I'm sorry, Louise; I just wanted to get Mom and Dad's advice about whether we should tell Mom and Dad.

(groans) I mean, whales are endangered, so...

Just-just find a whale to give your money to when this is all over, okay?

Start a whale scholarship or something!

(muffled): Greetings, sisters.

Gene, what are you nibbling on?

Is that a piece of the lump?

Um, I'm protecting it.

Give it to me.

Mm-mm...

Give it to me...

Mm-mm.

You spit it out.

Mm-mm. Mm. You spit it out.

Open up that craw!

Mm-mm. Uh-uh.

And spit it out!

Listen up, blubber lover, Uh-huh. you use your share to buy more ambergris... that's the plan, remember?

(mumbles) Oh, all right!

God, you're like a goat.

I am like a goat!

Listen, I thought of a connection who can help us move this stuff.

Who?

The hardest, most ruthless criminal we know.

Hi, Mickey!

Hey, Mickey.

Kids, what a nice surprise!

Nice gig.

Yep. The "Queezy Queen."

It's good honest work.

Pull the lever, push the lever, "you have to be this tall," and that is it.

Uh-huh.

Yep! Just push and pull.

Very Zahn.

You mean "Zen"?

Zahn. Steve Zahn.

He's an actor I admire.

Love that guy!

Hey, Mickey, uh, can we talk to you in private for a second?

Sure, sure, sure.

Step into my office.

Like it?

You guys comfortable?

Can I get anybody a water?

We're good. Mickey, what would you say if I told you somebody found something... I'm in.

Hold on. There's more. Oh, great.

So, there's this thing that comes out of whales' butts called ambergris.

But little problem: It's illegal to buy and sell.

Enter, you.

Okay, g*ng, I'm intrigued.

But I don't know...

I left the criminal life behind.

Good for you.

I used to be a thumbsucker and then I stopped, so I get it.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey!

Come on, man.

It's one last job.

This is my last job.

This is my last job moment.

This is the one I do and then I die or go to jail at the end.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

This is the one you do and then you are golden.

Oh, okay. If I help, I'd get some kind of finder's fee, right?

Maybe, like, uh...

I don't know, ten percent?

What?! I mean... yeah, sure.

That would help me buy my bar.

I want to get a bunch of monkeys.

Call it the Monkey Bar.

Or... ooh... or crows!

I could call it the Bar with All the Crows.

That's beautiful, Mickey.

I love your dreams.

(children screaming)

Oh, I got to go, I got to go.

Sorry, kids!

Bonus round, right?

I'm back!

Felix. Hi.

Are you here to tell us the plumber is coming?

To fix the hot brown water?

No. Because the hot brown water is just the tip of the hot brown iceberg.

I was just about to call the plumber.

Then I thought, "That's thinking small."

Calling a plumber is thinking small?

Tiny! We're gonna give your bathroom a total remodel.

Oh! Wow. The bathroom's fine.

It's just the water that needs to be not brown.

Yep!

A total renovación!

My brother will flip.

He'll be like, "Whoa!"

And I'll be like, "Yeah! Calvin!

I friggin' did it!"

And then he'll be like, "Oh, that's nice." Um...

So where is the latrine?

Let me see it.

Over there.

It's-it's over there.

Oh, God! It's horrible!

It's not that bad.

Wait, let me look at it one more time.

Oh, my God!

Linda: Oh!

First, we're gonna tear everything out.

Yeah!

Then we're gonna burn that sad little poop corner to the ground.

Yeah, burn it! Oh.

I don't think that's...

Burn, baby, burn!

No.

And, in its place, we will build a bathroom where anything can happen.

(Linda gasps in awe)

Babies will be born!

Aw, babies. All right. Men will die!

They're gonna die. Maybe just fix the plumbing and then do the...

It's a new day, people.

It's a new day.

You can't hurt us again, bathroom! Never again!

Oh, my God.

Sleep tight, little ambergris lump.

Good night, ambergris.

(kissing) Mmm...

Gene, no licking!

Hey, what?! The lump made the first move!

I'll tuck it in. Ow.

Everyone say good night without touching it or licking it or hurting its value on the black market.

Say good night! Good night.

Good night.

Okay, now walk away. Ambergris, I'm gonna eat some old cheese, but I'll be thinking of you.

(creaking)

What? Who's there?

What's that?

Pretty, pretty, pretty.

(cackling)

Thirty. Thousand.

Dollars.

Thirty.

Thousand. Dollars.

(quiet crazed laughter)

Put it on the boat, Hovig.

Put the tile on the boat.

Hovig, calm down.

You know me; I'm not gonna burn you on this.

Ho... Talk to him, Linda, please.

Hovig, listen to me.

He won't burn you.

Wait, wait, who's Hovig?

Felix, how long is this gonna take?

We need a bathroom.

Some people come here just for the bathroom.

And I say, "Customers only," then they buy a soda.

Bob, shh, it's the tile guy, come on.

Okay, if you could just give me a ballpark of when this will be done...

Okay. Thank you, Hovig!

I love you, honey!

She's great with Hovig.

Did you sleep at all last night, Louise? Sleep? Ha.

Soon I'll have people who do my sleeping for me!

(phone rings)

Bob's Burgers!

Whoa.

Louise, it's Mickey!

Oh, hi, girl who sits behind me in math class.

What? No, no, it's Mickey!

Brown hair?

Hands a little bit small, out of proportion with his body?

Yeah, yeah, what's the good word, math class friend?

Oh! You're being discreet.

I should do that.

Anyway, good news: I found somebody to move the ambergris!

(quietly): You did? Who?

You're not gonna believe it, the fried dough guy. He works right near the Queezy Queen.

Really? You found someone at Wonder Wharf?

Uh, don't be alarmed but pretty much everyone working at Wonder Wharf is a criminal.

Even Sally the snow cone lady?

Are you kidding? Especially Sally the snow cone lady.

Okay.

Well, let's go see your guy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, compadre.

I-I got to wait till my next break.

Can we say 3:00-ish?

You want to meet here and then we'll head over and see the Nose?

Who's the Nose?

That's my guy.

He's got an amazing sense of smell.

Oh, that's why they call him the Nose! I just got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...?

Well, he can verify the ambergris, and if he likes what he smells, he'll buy it off you right on the spot.

Ten percent to me, we go our separate ways.

Or hang out!

I don't know what you guys are up to, but I'm just...

Gotta go.

Wait for further instruction.

Bye!

Kids meeting. Upstairs. Now.

We've been having a lot of kid meetings.

This is why we need a conference room.

Mickey told me the name of his connect and where he works, so it's sayonara, Mickey!

What are you saying, Louise?

We're cutting out Mickey?

He cut himself out by giving us the information.

It's not my fault he's bad at being a criminal.

But Mickey was gonna use that money to go straight.

He was gonna open that straight bar.

Okay, Tina, you're too emotional.

You just bought yourself a ticket to Not-Goingsville.

Gene, let's go.

Here, I'll hold the lump.

No way, Gene. I've seen how you hold it... in your mouth.

It needs to be stored at mouth temperature!

You know what?

I'm going alone!

I'm taking charge so you two won't screw this up!

You want to end up like Mickey?

Five-foot-ten?

Comfortable in his own skin?

No! Cut out!

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! Aah!

This stuff is making you crazy!

It's tearing us apart!

Why couldn't that whale have pooped three equally sized poops like I do!

Gene: This isn't like you, Louise.

You used to be nice, sort of.

If you're gonna sell that thing, then you're doing it alone.

Yes, that's the plan.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

(grunting) Wh-What are you doing?

(groans) You don't walk into a deal just holding the stuff.

You tape it to your back.

Watch a movie!

Okay.

Let me get that for you.

Thank you.

(hums a tune) The tape doesn't stick.

Stay still.

I'll get the duct tape Dad uses to lock the front door at night.

It's ready.

Ambergris lump secured?

Check.

Sample for The Nose to test? Check.

I'm leaving here a girl with a hunch on her back, but I'm coming back a girl with a whole hunch of money.

I'm mad, but I'm still gonna wish you good luck!

(singsongy): I got the deejay...

Yay! Ah, the unveiling party; It's gonna be amazing!

Unveiling party?

Party time!

We don't even have a bathroom that works, and you're planning a party?

By the way, the deejay might have to stay with you.

What?! Yes. He's Brazilian, though, so, uh... very cool.

No... Felix, no.

The burlesque girls, you know what, let's just have them dancing on the tables and the counter.

Oh, burlesque girls!

Classy!

Very classy.

Please, sir, don't encourage this.

You're not in... You know what?

What?

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna have a plumbing party, all right?

With a licensed plumber.

To fix the bathroom.

Not a deejay, no burlesque show.

Okay.

A plumber to fix the pipe!

Bobby! So no girls, then?

Or still girls?

It's still happening.

I'll put you on the list.

(sizzling)

Fried dough?

Are you The Nose?

That's what they call me.

What do they call you, Humpback Whacky Eyes?

Listen, doughboy, I came to talk to you about real dough.

Ah, I see.

You're, uh, you're early.

And you're, uh, rather tiny.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a little girl.

Sorry I'm not huge and old.

Wh-Where's Mickey?

Uh, Mickey sends his regrets, and, uh, this... hearty handshake.

Ugh!

You put something gross in my hand!

Oh. Okay.

(sniffs) Sweet Georgia O'Keeffe!

This is finely aged.

(sniffs) You have the rest of it with you?

Well, do you have the money?

(whispers): I want $30,000!

Well, I don't have it on me.

Then I don't have the stuff, (laughs): Do I, Nose?

Oh, you know what?

I just remembered.

I want to the ATM yesterday.

I have about $30,000 on me.

Okay, great, great!

Let's do this.

All right, count of three, I give you the money, you give me the ambergris.

Sounds good.

Okay. One...

Okay.

...two... three!

(grunts)

It's huge!

12 dollars?!

Oh, is it?

Are you robbing me?

Yeah...

What?!

Mickey's not here.

You're very small.

It just makes sense.

Yeah, okay, I get it, I get it.

But what if I do this!

Nope. Doesn't work.

Remember?

You're small?

You have to give it back!

Mmm, hey, this smells like a cantaloupe wrapped in dirty socks.

It's a cantaloupe wrapped in dirty socks!

(gasps) Tina!

Stay still.

I'll get the duct tape Dad uses to lock the front door at night.

Tina: Dear Louise and/or The Nose, this is for your own good.

Also, please return the cantaloupe and the socks.

Love, Tina.

(Louise screams)

(sniffing) You know, they're not that dirty... you can get another day out of these, quite frankly.

Okay, okay, okay, if I were a double-dealing goody-goody with a treasure, where would I go?

Is this a riddle?

No.

Kid's book?

No. And I wasn't talking to you, Nose.

Sorry!

Don't you have some dough to fry?

Easy there, Blinky.

I don't have dough to fry; I get to fry dough.

This is a dream job.

I never realized sinks could be so sexy.

Oh, yes... sinks are the supermodels of the bathroom, as I like to say.

Yeah!

I call this one "Sinky Crawford."

(both chuckling)

Sinky Craw...

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah!

That's great.

That's so great.

Get it? Sink...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Like...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha...! I am so sick of your attitude.

Bob: Oh, yeah, it's my fault.

Come here, Bob...

Bobby, wait, I didn't mean that. Bobby!

Oh, my God!

♪ Look at this one! ♪

Oh, yeah!

Hubba hubba.

Are you sure we should do this, T?

Yes. I know how we can still use the lump for good.

Mickey can sell it and open his bar.

The bar with the monkeys and the crows!

It's what the world needs now!

Don't worry about that sound... that's nothin'!

(brief whirr) That one, ooh, that's new.

I got to report that one.

(panting): Mickey... Louise...

Hi. she's meeting with the Nose right now.

Uh-oh. (chuckles) Crossed wires alert.

No. Louise cut you out.

She cheated you.

(inhales) Ooh, that stings.

But I'm giving you the lump, all of it.

You can use the money to go straight.

Buy a juicer... it'll change your mornings.

Or cowboy boots.

Mm, change your evenings.

I'm honored, and I accept your offer.

And I know exactly how I'm gonna go straight.

Yeah, your dream... the Monkey and/or Crow Bar.

Nope. I'm gonna use the money to buy a t*nk.

Uh-huh...

And then I could use the t*nk Uh-huh. to rob a bank!

Uh... Oh. I'll be Mickey t*nk-Bank!

No!

Yes! Mickey t*nk-Bank!

Aah! I shouldn't have come here!

Why, whale?

Why did you curse us with this poop or wax or whatever it is? Aah!

There's only one thing to do: We have to destroy the ambergris.

Whoa, hey, wait-wait-wait!

I was just getting to the "going straight" thing.

I'm gonna do that after the bank.

Tina, where are you going?

Louise: Oh, my God, there she is!

(both panting)

Tina! Sister!

Ah, my only sister, there you are.

Hi, Tina.

We haven't met yet, but I really want that thing you're holding.

Everybody get back!

I'm gonna throw the ambergris in the water.

No! Whatever you do, don't throw it in the water.

Anything but the water!

Wait. Doesn't ambergris float?

Oh.

(frustrated yell)

Tina: No! Aah!

Stop her!

She stole my baby!

Seagulls! Swarm att*ck!

Aah!

I thought that would work.

Hot... hot pier!

Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ow!

(Tina yelling)

Aw...

Louise: We got her.

Nowhere else to go, Tina.

Hand it over.

I want that money!

(jabbering, growling)

What? What part of (jabbering, growling) don't you understand?!

(panicked grunting, gasping)

Tina: Huh-huh.

(sizzling)

Mmm, ah!

(deep, distorted gasping)

♪
♪ (slow, rhythmic whooshing)

(sizzling) (Tina's sighs with relief)

It's for the best.

Can I have the socks and cantaloupe back?

I'll check in about it later.

(lively Latin music playing)

Everybody having a good time?

I... know you are!

Felix: Can you drape it more casually?

Like, "Oh, I'm just a ribbon, no big deal."

Uh, sure, yeah. How's this?

Beautiful.

Hey... so, I had a little time to think, and I... guess I was a tiny bit out of control the other day, you know, with the, uh... (snorts)

You know, uh, the ambergris.

Huh. I didn't notice.

Oh, seriously?

No, I noticed.

Oh. You were really, really out of control.

I don't know, I miss twitch-face Louise.

Well, Gene, that's what happens when you fry $30,000 in hot oil!

There it is... there's Twitchy.

I'm fine. I'm good.

I'm just twitching to the music.

So, is this, uh, the unveiling?

Bob: Yep.

How's it looking?

Haven't seen it.

Not feeling great about that.

Doesn't seem to matter to anybody.

The deejay slept in my living room.

Bob!

Bob: Sergio.

Hey, Mr. Fisch. Wine?

Calvin. Welcome.

Was it easy to get in?

I left your name at the door.

Not bad, huh? You know, I'm kind of glad the burlesque dancers didn't show. Heh!

They didn't want to dance at a bathroom party.

What are they, royalty?

Anyway, let's unveil this baby.

Okay, uh...

(clears throat)

Oh, God, I'm nervous.

(sighs anxiously)

The new, improved Bob's-Restaurant- that-sells-burgers ba-throom!

Oh, my God.

Oh... my God.

Which is the sink?

Which is the toilet?

I'd pee in that. Or that.

It doesn't quite match the rest of the restaurant.

Calm down, Bob.

I didn't forget you and your concerns.

So the water works?

Oh, was that one of your concerns?

Yeah. It was.

Hold that thought.

Calvin...

Hmm? what do you think?

Do you love it or do you love it?

What were my choices again?

You hate it.

No.

You do. You hate it.

You hate it, too, Bob, don't you?

Yes, I do, hate it.

You think it's stupid.

Too gaudy.

Too much black!

Not all those things.

You never support me!

Felix, you're being dramatic.

I'm not being dramatic!

I just feel like I'm gonna throw up my heart and my head will fly away like a bird!

So, you got your bathroom done.

Felix: I'm gonna rip it all out!

Mr. Fischoeder, can you do something about this?

What, Felix? Oh.

Yes. Step aside.

Watch this.

(rhythmic b*at)

Now you guys say: It's Felix, (others join in): It's Felix, it's Felix, it's Felix, it's Felix, Come on, Bob. it's Felix, it's Felix...

(continuing in rhythm)

♪ Who's that funny little wormy guy ♪
♪ Who poked out his brother's eye? It's Felix ♪
♪ It's Felix, and Felix is Mommy's favorite ♪
♪ That's me! ♪

Yeah!

Works every time.

My mother played bongos.

Thank you.

Bob, you were flat.

I was just saying words.

You can't be flat when you're talking.

You're flat.

You're flat right now.

(clears throat) You're welcome.

Thank you, Felix.

Get a load of these two.

Siblings, right?

I'm glad we never fight or act crazy.

So, who's gonna help me out here and lift me up so I can pee in that weird round thing?

Gene: That's Teddy!

Deejay: Everybody having a good time?

(dance music playing) LINDA: Yay!

Deejay: I know you are!

Linda: Party time!

Deejay: Oh...! Hey...!

Whoa...!

Linda: Yeah!

Deejay: Rio de Janeiro is where I'm from.

Linda: Hmm! Yeah!

Deejay: For bathroom unveiling... today!

♪ Bathroom party... ♪

Linda: Yeah!

♪ Bathroom party, everybody... ♪

Deejay: City of God... that's my backyard!

♪ Bathroom party... ♪
♪ Bathroom party ♪
♪ Everyb... ♪

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