09x18 - It's a Trap!

[bunniefuu]

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

TV ANNOUNCER. And now, back to VH1's Salute to Singers from the'90s.

Today's installment, "Why they all needed to turn every vowel into the letter'A.'"

♪ It used to bay...

♪ that you loved may... ♪
♪ But now it's nineteen- ninetay... ♪
♪ and I have to set you fray... ♪
♪ Fray... ♪
♪ The letter A, the A, the A, the letter A... ♪
♪ Thank yay! ♪

(ALL GROANING)

Oh, no!

Not again!

We're about to do Jedi, aren't we?

(SIGHS) Let's just get through this.

(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived.

And also, we're missing a bunch of snow shovels from the storeroom.

Does anyone know anything about that?

Uh... Snow shovels? No.

Haven't seen any. No.

Haven't heard about it.

No idea. No.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh, my God, that was absolute hell!

I just... I don't understand why...

I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home?

It's you? Are we already out of our own characters?

What?

How's the construction going?

Oh, fantabulously.

Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by sh**ting through a hole?

Yeah.

Well, now there's no trench.

Great. ls there a hole?

Yes.

What?

There is.

Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.

The Emperor is coming here?

Yeah. He loves this place.

I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.

Hey... Hey, Darth? Darth?

Yeah? What?

That. That's what.

What? It's a circle.

It's a good circle, I'll give you that.

No. No, no. Space station.

What?

Yep.

(IN DISBELIEF) What?

Yep, it is.

No way!

It is. It is, big time.

(CLEVELAND BEEPING)

Cleveland: You sure this is where we'll find Captain Solo?

Yep, this is it. Corner of Tatooine Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard.

Hi, Artoo! You wanna come play?

Cleveland: Sure!

♪ Here I am on Tatooine, ♪
♪ jumping Double Dutch like you never seen. ♪
♪ I know my way around a rope... ♪

♪ LOIS: Help me, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope. ♪

Consuela: Yes?

Hi, we have a message for Jabba the...

No, Mister Jabba no home.

Oh.

Can we leave it with someone, because...

No, no.

Hey, look! Jabba's cat escaped!

I sure hope he doesn't blame the help!

(WHINING) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty!

(CLANKING)

(CHATTERING)

Oh, my God!

Alec Baldwin?

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Cleveland: Wow. There are all kind of manner of crazy monsters in here.

Yeah, and they added even more for the special edition.

Hey, what are you guys doing here? (GROWLING)

Artoo, play him the message.

Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker.

I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life.

As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift, these two droids.

Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away?

He just stole us from his dead uncle.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE)

... triple-dog-dare.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cleveland: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

Consuela: Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...

(BELCHES)

(ALIEN SNORING)

(FARTING)

Sorry!

Sorry. Been building up for a while.

Sorry.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry about this.

Sorry. There we are.

I can't see!

Just relax.

You have hibernation sickness, but your eyesight will return in time.

Where am I?

Jabba's palace.

Who are you?

Someone who loves you.

Whoa! You are smothering me, and I need my space.

(JOE LAUGHING)

Wait a minute, who's that? I know that laugh.

It's the 7Up guy!

(ALIENS LAUGHING)

It's not the 7Up guy.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, say, "Crisp and clean, no caffeine."

Han? What are you doing here?

Chewie? Is that you?

Yeah, it's me. I got caught eating out of Jabba's trash.

Well, I guess the good news is we're not being pushed into a giant anus in the desert.

What's wrong with your eyes?

I'm blind.

It's part of the hibernation sickness. That and these lesions, and the fatigue that I've been feeling, and the persistent cough.

(COUGHING)

You might, uh... You might have two things.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

How did he get in?

(GROWLING) I let him in. What, was that not cool?

Nice to see you, Jabba.

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Um... Leia, wow.

I didn't get r*ped. Okay?

Okay.

Okay?

Okay!

I'm here to bargain for Han Solo and the rest of my friends.

What's your price?

Master Luke, be careful! You're standing on...

Threepio, please. Whatever you have to say cannot possibly be as important as this conversation.

But you're standing on a trap door, and if Jabba pushes the button...

(ANGRILY) Threepio, what did I just say?

But there's a trap door right under your feet!

There's a huge monster down there, and if Jabba hits the button, the trap door's gonna open, you're gonna fall down into the dungeon below and get eaten by the monster!

Threepio, please! We're talking!

(ROARING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Rush Limbaugh!

Limbaugh Rule Number One, no tax-dodging Jedis in my pit!

Religion is tax-exempt! Jedi is a religion!

(ALL CHEERING)

Cleveland: Oh, Luke! Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber?

Yeah, about ten minutes ago!

Just so you know, the compartment I keep your lightsaber in is my rectum.

The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown into the Sarlacc pit.

There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.

No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran.

I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week.

Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about.

Ha! Fiber!

Still alive!

What's going on?

We just got to the Sarlacc pit.

What's that?

It's this disgusting, horrible creature that's worse than anything you could ever imagine.

(HISSING)

Quagmire: (ON LOUDSPEAKERS) Victims of the almighty Sarlacc!

His Excellency hopes that you will die honorably.

But, should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

Please don't k*ll us! We won't do it again, honest!

We'll be good, mister! We was just fooling around, is all!

Jabba! This is your last chance!

Free us or die!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

(PLAYING TUBA)

Well?

We're waiting.

(SCREAMING)

No!

Han, look out! Boba Fett is right behind you!

All right, when I give the signal, we get him!

(SUSPENSEFUL BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

(STAMMERS) What happened?

He fell.

Huh?

He fell. Fell in the pit.

Oh! Good.

Yeah.

(CHOKING)

(SCREAMS)

Wait a minute! What are you doing? I thought you were blind!

I am!

It's okay, though.

(MORT GROANS)

Just hang on!

(SQUEALING)

Gotcha!

You want some laser hair removal, while I'm at it?

No, thanks.

You sure?

Come on, we gotta get out of here!

(SCREAMS)

Peter: (ON RADIO) Hello?

Okay, so I'm going to the Dagobah system...

You gotta speak up.

I'm going to the Dagobah system!

I still can't hear you.

I said I'm going...

It's a machine! I got you!

(PETER MIMICS LASER sh**ting)

You've reached Han Solo. Please leave a message after the blorp.

(HIGH-PITCHED BLORP)

Hey, we got any of those Chips Ahoy! left?

No, those are all gone.

(GROANS)

(WRAPPER CRINKLING)

(WRAPPER CRINKLING)

(WRAPPER CRINKLING)

Well, now nobody gets them.

STORMTROOPER. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Emperor! Great to see you!

Hey, this is Jeremy. He's from...

You know, he's from the program, and he wants to meet you.

Well, hey, Jeremy! How do you like the Death Star so far?

Good.

Awesome!

You gotta come back next year, when it's done.

(AWKWARDLY) Oh... Okay, we're gonna move on now.

If you ever do that to me again, I swear to God...

I know! I know! Nobody told me.

They kind of just dropped him on me at the last minute. I couldn't say no, man.

So, I think you'll be happy.

The Death Star's going to be completed on schedule.

Excellent.

There is one thing, though, and I'm sorry about this, but your room's not ready till 4:00.

So feel free to use our business center, or enjoy the pool.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Stop it. Knock it off.

Cut it out. Stop it!

I deserve to relax, too.

Master Yoda, I've come back to complete the training.

Oh, you're done. There's no more training.

Then I am a Jedi.

No, not yet. First you have to confront Vader.

Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father?

Yeah, it's either Darth Vader or Paul Reiser, but they don't want to know which one is your real father, so they're gonna raise you together.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, and I got some more bad news.

I'm getting really old and I'm not feeling so hot, and I think I might die soon.

(WEAKLY) Luke.

Yeah?

Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor.

Luke.

Uh-huh.

When gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be.

Luke.

Right here.

The Force runs strong in your family.

Luke!

Haven't gone anywhere.

Don't turn to the dark side.

Luke.

What's up?

You fought Vader too soon.

Luke!

Four inches away.

There is another Skywalker.

Okay, see you.

Master Yoda, no!

Hi, Hammacher Schlemmer? I'd like the wall-size crossword puzzle.

Why, yes, I do have a credit card. Name is Yoda...

Parseghian?

I can't believe Master Yoda's dead.

Yoda will always be with you, Luke.

(GASPING) A ghost!

Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me Vader was my father?

Why didn't you tell me you got a new hand?

Let's take that thing out for a test drive.

But if Vader's my father, does that mean I'm vulnerable to the dark side?

Seriously, put your hand like you're gonna pull a carrot out of the ground.

Obi-Wan, Yoda said there's another Skywalker.

There is, Luke. You have a sister.

A sister? Who is it?

Who the hell you think it is?

Who's the only g*dd*mn woman in the galaxy?

Leia!

Hey, just for giggles, you wanna poop in Yoda's tiny toilet, pretend he took a giant poop?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Me first!

I'd like to thank you all for meeting me here, in the lobby of the Mondrian.

Hey, check it out, it's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy.

I don't like her.

The Emperor has made a critical error, and the time for our att*ck has come.

We've learned that the new Death Star is not yet operational.

But, more importantly, that the Emperor himself is overseeing this mission.

Hey, you know what I find hilarious? Bothans.

Many Bothans d*ed to bring us this information.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh!

Admiral Ackbar, if you will?

It's a trap!

(LAUGHS) Just kidding. We'll get there later.

So, let's pretty much just att*ck like we did last time.

Sound good? No need to fix what ain't broke, right?

Yeah, we did this already. That's what's so f*cked up.

General Solo will take a stolen lmperial shuttle and knock out the shield generator on the fourth moon of Endor, while General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the squadron to destroy the Death Star.

I didn't actually volunteer.

Everybody clear?

Am I the only one with a gold star on their uniform?

It's just for record-keeping. Okay! Let's go for it, people!

Hey, is there anything I can do to help?

Luke!

What is it?

Ask me again sometime.

What?

(TAUNTING) I know something about you!

Tell me.

No.

Come on, Luke! Tell me!

Nope!

Well, for God's sakes, tell me something about somebody!

Okay. Han runs an online employment website on the side.

Economy got you down? Stressed out? Worried about your future?

Sounds like you need a Han job.

I'm Han Solo, and I have jobs for everyone.

Come by and apply for your Han job, and I'll get you off and running.

Other websites jerk you around and don't finish what they start.

But with HANJOBS.ORG, we'll have you sh**ting for the stars!

But keep it down, my neighbors don't know what's going on in here.

All right, now remember, Lando, don't get a single scratch on the Falcon, okay?

Look, will you relax? I already said I'll be careful.

Well, just make sure you are. That ship's gotten me laid a bunch of times.

Hey, hey, hey, girls! Anyone want to make the Kessel Run?

That'd be cool, but we only got twelve parsecs.

(CHUCKLING) Hop in.

Threepio, why are you wearing a coat and tie?

Some people still treat flying as an occasion.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

I just got a funny feeling I'm never gonna see her again.

Who, the Falcon?

No, Elizabeth Hurley. I just...

I just think she's done.

(FARTS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

STEWIE. Hey! It's me! Can I come in?

sh*t.

Hey, I just wanted to let you... (SNIFFING)

Oh, boy. What's that?

I was just ironing my robe, taking a look around. What's up?

Well I just wanted to let you know there's a rebel fleet massing at Sullust, and I think they're going to inv*de or something.

You made sure there wasn't a hole in the Death Star this time?

Yeah, like I'm gonna do that twice!

(STAMMERING) You... Shut up, mister! Gosh almighty!

But, you know, it might be something to be concerned about.

It's of no concern! The rebellion will soon be crushed, and young Skywalker will be one of us.

We're still doing that initiation thing we talked about, right?

Oh, yeah!

Where you rub your wang on a fruit salad and we watch him eat it?

You bet!

You ate the whole thing, remember?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, most of it.

All right, this is it.

Shuttle Tyderium requesting deactivation of the deflector shield.

Shuttle Tyderium, transmit the clearance code for shield passage.

Transmission commencing.

Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid.

Vader's on that ship.

Don't get jittery, Luke. There's a lot of command ships.

Keep your distance, though, Chewie.

But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance.

How am I supposed to do that?

I don't know, fly casual!

(WHISTLING)

Does that casual-looking shuttle have a code clearance?

Well, it's an older code, sir.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

But it checks out.

Wait a minute.

Skywalker's on that ship.

You can sense him?

No, he's right there.

They're not going for it, Chewie.

Everybody, they're not going for it. This is failing.

Luke, take this g*n. You sh**t me, I'll sh**t you.

Controller: (ON RADIO) Shuttle Tyderium, the shield has been deactivated.

You are cleared to approach.

(CHUCKLES) Well, there you go, g*ng! False alarm!

Oh. (STAMMERING)

False alarm?

Peter: All right, somebody? Anybody?

Do not let me leave here without maple syrup.

How are we gonna get past?

All right, there's only a few of them.

Chewie and I'll take care of those guys, you stay here.

Oh! Ladybug.

(SNAPS)

(POPPING)

(HORN BLOWS)

(YELPS)

(GET READY FOR THIS PLAYING)

Oh! I love this song!

Hey!

Over there! Two more of them!

I see them. Wait! Leia!

My bike!

Where's my bike?

Move closer! Get alongside that one!

Oh! Can you play the theme from E. T., John Williams?

No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight.

(ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT THEME PLAYING)

Mary Hart: Celebrating birthdays today, IG-88 turns 27, Lando Calrissian is 42, and "l Don't Like You, Either" Guy is 63.

(STORMTROOPER SCREAMS)

Keep on that one! I'll take these two!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS VICTORIOUSLY)

Destroy the planet Alderaan.

You know, I think I've finally done it.

I think I've gotten over the loss of my home planet, Alderaan.

I've finally moved on.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Ow! Oh! My side!

(GROANING)

General Solo, somebody's coming!

Luke, there you are! Where's Leia? Have you seen her?

She didn't come back?

She probably decided to make like one of these trees and leave.

(HORN BLOWING)

(LAUGHING) Where did you get that?

I don't know. I stepped on it earlier. It was just here in the woods.

Been having a lot of fun with it.

That's funny, because my friend lost his horn on the forest moon of Endor last year.

It's not his.

Hey, cut it out.

Do not move!

Or I will s*ab you with my very sharp spear.

Look, put that down. I'm not going to hurt you.

You are my enemy, and I want you off my planet.

Want a piece of cr*cker?

I will do anything you say!

By the way, I think you're about to start your period.

That's how I found you.

Hey, hi. Me again.

Hey, good news. The Death Star T-shirts finally arrived.

Oh! Sweet!

Oh, come on.

"Death s*ab"?

Oh, for God's sake, Christie.

Why don't you fire that girl?

She's actually, believe it or not, better than the last one.

I thought I told you to wait on the command ship.

Yes, well, the thing is, a small rebel force has landed on the forest moon, and my son is with them.

Kurt?

No, Luke.

I thought Kurt was your son.

No, no, Kurt was just a guy I was hanging around with for a while.

That wasn't my son.

What do you mean?

(STAMMERS) I mean, he was younger, but he wasn't that much younger.

No, what do you mean, "hanging around with"?

Oh, it's not... Just a dude, you know?

Just some guy to, like, play ball with, and go to the movies, crash into real hard in the hallway.

You know, just guy stuff. You know, just a bro, you know?

Someone you can read the Sunday paper or share an orange with.

Honestly, Darth, I have no f*cking idea what you're talking about.

(STAMMERING) Well, I don't know what you want me to...

Look, just go down to the moon and wait for your son.

I have foreseen that his compassion for you will be his undoing.

Got it. On my way.

No more of this Kurt sh*t.

Yeah.

Leia! Leia!

Han, come over here.

I found this.

I suck.

Hey, maybe we get out of the woods before nightfall, on account of the ghosts and all.

Hey, guys, look over there!

It's a hot girl from Florida.

No, Chewie, don't! If you talk to her, you have to talk to her mom!

I see you've met my daughter.

You know, we were just mistaken for sisters over at the bar.

Chewie, get away from... (EXCLAIMS)

How are we going to get out of here?

Wait a second, guys. I got an idea.

Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs?

Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Whoa! What the hell are these? Hamsters?

Oh, my God, they're adorable!

(GASPING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

All: (CHANTING) Gold Guy. Gold Guy. Gold Guy.

Gold Guy. Gold Guy. Gold Guy.

What are they doing?

I'm not sure.

They seem to think I'm some sort of god.

And they seem to think I'm Sum 41.

♪ All the small things... ♪

That's Blink-182.

Sum 41 is the band that married Avril Lavigne.

Oh... Huh!

Seems like everybody would turn out a loser in that situation.

Everybody did.

(HORN BLOWING)

Threepio, tell them to let us go.

What the hell am I supposed to say?

Tell them if they don't let us go, you'll become angry and use your magic.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

It's not working!

Is this your card?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Luke! Han!

Leia!

Who braided your hair?

Did the Ewoks braid your hair?

Yeah.

So, they use spears with wooden shafts and stone-carved tips, yet they clearly understand the finer points of cosmetology?

I know, it's not as good as Empire.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

...born and raised...

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

...most of my days... 'maxing, relaxing all cool... b-ball... no good... trouble... neighborhood... one little fight... scared... auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

(THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR THEME PLAYING)

...DJ Jazzy Jeff homeless.

Luke, are you okay?

Leia, I've got something kind of messed up to tell you.

You're my sister.

I know.

Somehow, I've always known.

You have?

Did you know when you kissed me on Hoth?

Yeah.

Well, that's pretty weird!

I'm from Alderaan. It's kind of the Mississippi of the galaxy.

Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darth Twitty.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(THE GAMES THAT DADDIES PLAY PLAYING)

♪ He put his arms around her shoulder ♪
♪ and with a voice that sounded older ♪
♪ he said ♪ "Mom, I got something on my mind." ♪

Pilot: Imperial shuttle requesting permission to land like a dainty butterfly.

Controller: Permission granted.

Nice. That was nice.

Hey, Son.

Hey, Dad. Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.

But I got you a new baseball.

Good. Our first catch of the day.

Hey, go wait in the AT-AT.

Now listen, since your mom's out of town and I have you for the weekend, I thought it would be fun if the Emperor and I turned you over to the dark side of the Force.

Daddy, if I may, I'd like to throw out another option.

I sense the good in you.

Hang out with me on the lighter side of the Force.

(LAUGHING)

That's something.

All right, so what do you say? You want to go see the Emperor?

I don't know. Can we have tacos?

No, Friday is taco night.

Oh, darn. (GASPS)

But today is Friday!

Yep!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Gotcha! Oh, my God, we're going to have so much fun.

All right. Stand by to jump to lightspeed.

When we arrive at Endor, we will destroy the Death Star and then begin setting up the Ewok reassignment camps.

I hate that stupid fish man.

I say when we're done with this, we go over there and fry him up in a skillet.

All right, here goes nothing. I'm going to sneak up on that guy.

Hey!

Gotcha!

(LAUGHING) Okay, you got me.

Hey, wait, you got something there.

Oh, my God! I can't believe I fell for that.

I know. Now, excuse me, I have to make out with my girlfriend.

Oh! Sorry! I'll leave you two alone.

Nah, it's just me by myself!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! That's so cool!

Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose."

We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.

What the hell? Your head is so small!

Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating.

I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.

Hey, hey! Look who I brought!

Welcome, young Skywalker.

Thank you.

Not you!

I'm so embarrassed.

I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.

Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.

Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed.

Oh!

(MOCKINGLY) I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.

Jeez, you don't have to be a d*ck about it.

All right, everybody, hands in the air!

All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig your own graves with them.

Han, that's kind of dark.

Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this.

Now get outside!

(MEN CRYING)

I have a family!

Faster!

I just do data entry!

All right. You, k*ll him.

What?

k*ll him. Take this Kn*fe and s*ab him in the mouth.

No, please!

Shut up! And after he's dead, cut off his face and wear it as your face.

Please!

I've had it up to here with Ewoks.

Now, s*ab him and wear his face!

And then go home to his family still wearing his face, and see how long it takes them to figure out that it's you and not him.

Hold it right there!

You rebel scum.

Wow. What a voice! Do you mind reading this for me?

"Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Pee-wee Herman."

I found my bike! (LAUGHS)

What do you mean, we can't get any reading on the shield?

Man, only thing I'm reading is Cat in the Hat.

Damn cat! That hat looks ridiculous!

Admiral, we've got enemy ships in sector 47.

It's a trap! It's a trap!

Also, whose cat?

(CAT MEOWS)

(SIGHS) Someone get your cat.

Fighters coming in!

Lando to Enterprise! Draw their fire away from the cruisers!

We're having tea, thank you very much.

Yes, tea.

Listen, you guys, this is all a crazy misunderstanding.

(WHISTLES)

You think this is gonna work?

Oh, yeah. Those Ewoks had all of five minutes to get things prepared.

I'm sure it's all gonna work out fine.

(HORNS BLOWING)

(SCREAMS)

This armor's useless! Why do we even wear it?

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Look out! Here comes a squadron of PIE fighters!

Carter: Look at that, huh?

Look at the crappy job your friends are doing.

And here's something that's gonna piss you off even more.

Fire at will!

Gee, Dr. Smith, this doesn't seem like a very safe place to be.

(CRYING) William!

(LAUGHS) Okay, now fire at everybody else.

Holy sh*t! That blast came from the Death Star!

That thing's operational!

What's that mean?

It's fully functional!

I still don't get it. I'm five.

Bang, bang, boom, boom!

Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational!

Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going.

You hate me now?

Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down, and your journey toward the dark side will be complete.

I've seen a lot of ships get blown up. It's no big deal.

Yeah, I guess that wouldn't get under my skin, either.

Not the way Seth Green gets under my skin.

Huh?

Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way.

I mean, has he ever made anything successful?

Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show.

It's on, like, channel 100 or something.

Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular.

It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't.

Hardly anybody ever watched that show.

Yeah, I never caught it.

Well, he's been in some big movies.

The Austin Powers movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.

What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, let's go see that new Austin Powers, Seth Green's in it"?

You're not getting to me, man.

You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.

Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show, he was playing himself, an assh*le.

Oh! Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is my joke lightsaber. It's cute, right?

Okay, for real now.

(MESS AROUND PLAYING)

♪ Mess around. ♪
♪ They doing the mess around. ♪
♪ They doing the mess around. ♪
♪ Everybody doing the mess around. ♪

Join us, Luke. Turn to the back side of the Force.

What?

The dark side. Turn to the...

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) To the...

Long day.

I will not fight you, Father.

Then you will meet your destiny.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oh, my God! I meant to hit you in the shoulder, and that whole thing just fell!

Did you see that?

What?

That whole thing just fell.

How?

I don't know. He was up there like, "I can't do this," I threw the thing, and I just meant to hit him in the arm, and then the whole thing fell.

Well, that's good, right? We want him hurt.

Are you using your brain?

We're lucky if we come out of this without a lawsuit.

Ow!

Stormtrooper: Freeze!

Okay, now you're in a laundromat, and there's only one available machine, and you're fighting over it. Go!

Oh, God! It looks like all these machines are taken.

Oh, drat! And me with all my soiled underthings.

If anyone asks, I sh*t him. Got that? You were crying in the corner.

Holy crap. Stay back.

Hey, b*tches! I just k*lled, like, fifty stormtroopers.

That thing is really cool!

Damn right it is!

See that squirrel over there?

Hi, little squirrel. (MIMICS LASER f*ring)

Ooh!

Hey, why don't you blast open this door, and then we can...

Hey, a butterfly! Look at those beautiful wings flapping.

But uh-oh, here comes ka-slice!

Hey, speedy little hummingbird. You're so fast, aren't you?

Oh, but are you as fast as this? (EXCLAIMS)

Whoa! What do we have here? A fully formed beehive!

Must have taken months to build that guy. Well, guess what? (EXCLAIMS)

(GROANING)

Oh, God!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

Should we help him?

Eh.

(MUFFLED) I think...

I think...

I think...

Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.

Chris: I will not fight you.

Well, all right. I guess that's no problem.

I can always get Seth Green to fight me.

He'll do anything for money.

I mean, did you see Sex Drive?

Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person.

Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers.

Asians really liked it.

And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know?

I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good.

Still, all those small paychecks must add up.

(GRUNTING)

I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

Hey, you got a good hand guy, right?

Carter: Good. Good!

Your hate has made you powerful.

Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side.

Can we at least put together a press release that says I'm resigning of my own accord to pursue other evil projects?

I'll never join the dark side.

You failed, Your Highness.

I'm a Jedi, like my father before me.

All right, let's everybody just calm the f*ck down.

Move! Run!

The shield is down. Commence att*ck on the Death Star's main reactor.

The shield may be down, but they've gone into glitter-ball mode.

(DISCO VERSION OF STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)

If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.

Oh, yeah? You and what lightning hands?

Oh! Now you've done it.

(SCREAMING)

Yeah! I'm a bad guy!

Yeah! Yeah! How about that, huh?

Look at that! Look what I can do!

Yeah! Out the butt-hole!

Father, please!

"Please"! You know what? You have nice manners.

I'm so delighted that Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen took the time to teach you nice manners.

And just for that, I'm going to help you out here.

(CARTER SCREAMING)

That's the power of "please," kids.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Luke, help me get this mask off.

Let me look on you with my own eyes, father to son.

(NECK SNAPS)

Ahhh! Oh, no! He's dead because of what the Emperor did a while ago!

I better take his body!

Just 'cause.

Okay, Wedge, take out the power station.

♪ Some like it hot, and some sweat when the heat is on. ♪
♪ Some feel the heat and decide... ♪

Thank you.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just k*lled Thousands of People Dance tonight?

No.

You do now. Pick you up at 7:00.

And save Yub Nub for me.

Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too!

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

I'll see you at 7:00.

(STORMTROOPERS SCREAMING)

(EWOKS CHATTERING)

(YUB NUB PLAYING)

What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!

Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.

f*ck you! You m*rder*d me, you ass.

The end.

And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.

What about the prequels?

I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

Dad, one question. What do you got against Seth Green?

I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?

Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion.

For example, me, I think Seth MacFarlane is a douche.

What's that, now?

Yeah, I don't like him, either.

Yeah, me neither.

Wait a second. I hear he's a pretty nice guy.

Yeah, good-looking guy. Talented, young...

Talented? He ripped off The Simpsons.

Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it.

And he only puts out, like, ten new episodes a year.

And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.

He doesn't make those decisions, Chris.

Those decisions are made at the corporate level.

But he still takes the money every week. How noble.

And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?

Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.