05x03 - Jenna in Wonderland

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

You have become cool.

Ah, Matty [beep] McKibben!

Things were different.

I'd want it to be way more than a hookup.

Things are pretty different.

Get some sleep, honey.

Jenna voice-over: By all online accounts, I had both thrown and missed the event of the year.

It was clearly a great party, which was awesome for everyone who went, but not so awesome for me.

[computer chimes]

[pop music]

[chiming]

Each new photo and every nice message reminded me of exactly how much fun I have missed out on.

♪

I told myself to turn off my phone, but I couldn't looked away.

I was drowning in a sea of selfies and self-pity.

I needed something to cushion the fomo blow.

I needed cupcakes.

A little sugar always remedied my sads.

Hey, hands off.

Those are for Ally's sex toy party.

Aren't they cute?

Yeah, Mom. That's exactly what I'd call penis cupcakes. Cute.

Cute or cliché?

What am I looking at?

Swallow and dove wedding cake toppers.

Hey, Jenna.

I've created a Pinterest board for both because they're life-maters like barn owls, and termites and Tom Brady and Giselle.

boy: What's up, Jenna?

You created a Pinterest for a fake wedding?

I had to. Do you know how much stuff is out there waiting to be pinned when you're a bride to be?

Do you know how insane it is that you've kept up the charade and haven't told Adam the truth?

I can't just tell him the truth.

Jenna.

To go from fiancé to fianc-ex without any warning is like, I never intended to be his intended.

Just...

Hi.

Give me and my wedding a few more days together.

Hey, Jenna.

Why is everyone so post-party partial to you?

You were there for, like, a full half a second.

I didn't even think anyone noticed us anyway.

Apparently somebody noticed something.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Jenna. Sweet party yesterday.

Big ups.

Thanks, Troy Langworthy.

Big ups to you too.

Troy Langworthy just spoke to me.

I'm as shocked as you are. About that and about the fact you said "big ups" out loud.

It doesn't even make any sense.

He only hangs out with the Julies.

Why am I on his radar?

Put a flavored condom on your head because your mind is about to get blown.

Jenna, you're legit popular.

Jenna, your party was the balls.

People literally won't shut their ham holes about it.

Let's selfie.

Jenna voice-over: Was short-circuiting the school and throwing a k*ller beach party all it took to get tagged by the Julies?

This was my moment to shine, and this selfie would capture it forever and ever.

[camera shutter clicks]

[typing]

[playful music]

Ew!

We can't post this.

Jenna voice-over: The jig was up. They saw I was an accidental tourist in Popularland.

Jenna, don't get self defensie, but...

You've got spaz face.

Severe.

Fix it and we'll reshoot at lunch.

♪

This is weird.

Tamara: This is Lady Gaga's story.

Sad spaz teen turned global phenomenon.

That over there? That is weird.

Jabby has gone public and it's mouth hugging all over our quad.

Jenna, hey.

Thanks for getting my drunk butt home after your beach party.

Just a couple of follow ups.

Did I pee in anyone's yard?

And, was I wearing more than one shoe when you got me?

Hold up, Sir Drinks-A-Lot.

Did baby get blackout?

Hazy brownout.

It's only the end of the party that's sketchy.

What a d*ck.

Hilarious.

[laughter]

What is that?

Your bender is a trender.

And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!

And I'm Matty [beep] McKibben!

Jenna voice-over: I knew Matty has been wasted at the party.

I didn't know he committed social su1c1de.

A guy like Matty losing his cool like that was viral gold.

I'm such an ass[beep].

Yeah, you are.

Matty [beep] McKibben.

[playful music]

♪

A bunch of Ally's stupid, sloppy, sex-starved friends alcohol-poisoning themselves and shopping for boink toys?

It's going to be a total freak show.

There is no way I'm missing it.

Lissa, heel!

Sorry.

Ally's not allowing man-parts at her dildo fest that aren't battery operated, so Sergio's out and you're in.

I can't go. I'm grounded.

For what?

I don't know. Mommy won't tell me.

What happened to your face?

Mommy's doing migraine braids on me again.

She's been extra uptight and stressy since Daddy moved in with DeAndre.

Well, she needs to de-stress so you can have your face back.

I know! I taught her some Atonercises, but they just seem to wind her up more.

When God made your mommy, he put a stick way up her ass.

It's going to take a lot more than exercise to make her happy.

I should get her a puppy!

No, what that psycho ward needs to unwind is, like, a Hawaiian vacation or two dozen hot stone massages or, duh, I bet a good boning would help.

[upbeat music]

We're going on a triple date with hot college guys tonight.

Just don't be a spaz.

Yeah, be careful of your face.

What? Wait.

I'm going on the triple date?

Obvi. Do the math.

Three guys, two Julies.

It's too much for us on a weeknight.

Make a hole, newbies!

Where were you on her blog?

Move it!

Hey, can Tamara come and make it a quadruple date?

Tamara: Oh, Tamara can't.

What? Why?

'Cause, I am still otherwise engaged.

It would be inappropes for me to go on a triple date.

But, Jenna, you should embrace this new rung on the populadder.

Just promise me you'll tell me what it's like up there.

Matty: Hey, can I sit here?

Jenna voice-over: Everyone had seen the video of Matty losing his cool, and now they were treating Matty [beep] McKibben like he was the black [beep] plague.

No one wanted the plague at their table.

Not the jocks, not the preps, not even the band guys.

Hashtag poor Matty.

Such a tragedy.

You should stop that before it trends.

Hey, are you okay? You look a little... lost.

Uh, yeah, well, I-I feel it.

The weirdest [beep] has been happening to me all day long.

[playful music]

Hey.

♪

boy: Trevor.

♪ You deserve it all ♪
♪ You deserve it all ♪

Leroy.

♪ 'Cause you deserve it all ♪
♪ You deserve it all ♪
♪ You deserve it a-a-all ♪
♪ Yes you deserve it all ♪
♪ You deserve it all ♪
♪ You deserve it ♪

I mean, this is messed up, right?

Oh!

Did you just see that?

It's like I'm not even here. Am I invisible?

Matty, you're not invisible.

You're unpopular.

[lively music]

I know I acted like a complete d-bag, but this is brutal.

Everyone is shutting me out.

I'm sorry, Matty.

You never would have been such an ass[beep] if you hadn't been blindsided about Jake and Gabby.

I should've told you.

Yeah, you think?

Well, it was a weird position to be in.

And why do I always end up with all the weird dirt on your girlfriends?

It's like some twisted cosmic joke.

And what do I do with all the unwanted info?

Because our relationship is really confusing.

As your friend, yeah, I should've told you.

But as your ex, it's so not my business.

How do we navigate this next time it happens?

I mean, do I decide if I'm feeling friend-ier or ex-ier?

You've definitely been putting some thought into this.

Shut up.

No, I'm just... I'm pissed at myself for being such an idiot.

I'm a joke.

It'll blow over.

Uh...

Meantime, lift up your tray.

What? Why?

Now!

Yeah, that's why.

Hey!

Which one of you [beep] heads threw that?

Shut up!

Sit down.

Sit down. It's nothing personal.

They just throw stuff over here in a general way.

That's awful.

And wasteful.

J!

Hurry up.

We're bouncing out.

Um, I have to go.

I'm grabbing froyo with some friends.

Which friends?

Julie, Julie, and... Troy Langworthy.

Troy Bangworthy?

It's not like that. Troy and I are just friends.

Right.

But you can do this.

Just keep your tray up and your head down.

[dramatic music]

Jenna doesn't know anything.

She was never this close to the bottom.

Not like you and me.

And Leroy.

♪

We can help you.

If you want to survive in the netherworld of the uncool, you can't think how you used to think.

[upbeat music]

♪
♪ Don't even tell me about how I'm supposed to live ♪

Are you hungry, McKibben?

Those harpies will starve you.

The lunch ladies might normally be on your jock, but that siren song ain't going to feed you.

If you want to eat, you have to think like us.

Home-ec trash is a hungry man's treasure.

♪ And I know my feet will be under me ♪
♪

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪

Consider the regular bathroom off limits.

Bad things can happen in there now that you're the unwashed.

Use this place instead.

There's no toilet.

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa ♪
♪ I'm walking on my own two feet ♪

Screw your old friends.

These spiders are great listeners.

And they're always here for you.

♪

Hello, gorgeous.

[laughs softly]

What's that?

[laughs softly]

♪

Always be prepared with a change of clothes.

You got lucky with that pudding cup.

Wow. Okay.

Kyle, Leroy, thanks for all of this.

But I think this has to be the last stop on the tour.

It is the last stop on the tour.

No, I mean, I can't live like this.

The bucket, the trash can cinnamon rolls, insects for friends.

Spiders are arachnids.

If you don't like cinnamon rolls, they throw away other stuff.

I'm sorry, guys.

[upbeat music]

♪

Lissa: Let me help you, Mommy.

Elbows up an itsy bit more for Prayer Power Squats.

Good.

You've been Atonercising a lot lately.

It's so good for releasing stress.

Do you feel like you're releasing stress, Mommy?

Do I look like I'm releasing stress, Lissa?

♪

Maybe we should do some stretches.

It'll loosen you up.

I don't want to loosen up. That's the problem with this world. It's too damn loose.

But, Mommy, sometimes is good to... open things up.

Are you talking about sex?

No, I was talking about yoga.

Because we don't talk about those things in this house.

I wasn't, I swear.

Intercourse is for procreation, not recreation.

Well, sometimes it can be for both.

I just mean, if you're doing it for the right reasons, you can probably get some pleasure out of it.

No, it don't work like that, Lissa.

Trust me, I know from experience.

With Daddy?

Well, of course with Daddy.

We must have done it half a dozen times.

And you never...?

Never what?

Felt anything?

You know like a... a little sneeze in your Suzy?

Who is Suzy?

Lissa!

We don't discuss these things in this house.

And I-I certainly don't discuss these things with my 18-year-old daughter.

You're right, Mommy, I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Hey! I have an idea.

How about we get out of the house and go for a ride?

♪

Hey, Jake.

Can we talk for a second?

Sure.

Look, I was... an ass[beep] at the beach.

A lot of [beep] had gone down.

You have to admit that.

And I was just totally wasted.

Yeah, I know you were wasted.

That's the problem.

People say the truest [beep] when they're drunk.

I didn't mean any of it, you know that.

Okay, man.

I just hope you got it all off your chest.

[stirring music]

♪

[car engine starts]

♪

Jenna voice-over: Today had been crazy.

But crazy felt pretty good.

After four years on the outside, I was suddenly in the epicenter of Popularland.

The only problem, I have never gone out with the in-crowd, so I had no clue what to wear on a triple date with the Julies.

Lucky for me, I had a secret w*apon.

Mom!

What is it, honey? Oh, crap, wait.

Ally! Will you take the mini-wieners off the stove?

Ally: I've never done a mini-wiener.

And I'm not starting now.

What do you need, sweetie? The party is about to start.

I need help with my outfit.

I thought this day would never come.

Me neither.

But I'm going out with the Julies, and three college guys... tonight.

Ah, ha-ha-ha!

Oh, I always knew you had it in you.

Mm.

You don't worry about a thing.

Mama's here.

Ugh! You weren't actually considering wearing this?

Because it should be b*rned.

What about this?

Ugh!

Jenna voice-over: How was I gonna pull off being popular when I couldn't even pick out the right shirt?

What did I say? What's wrong?

It's just... even if I was wearing the right color shirt, I could still mess this up.

I mean, what if I say something stupid or embarrass myself?

Lacey: You won't.

You're stepping out of your comfort zone.

But no matter what you wear, you are still you on the inside.

A smart, funny, sensitive young lady.

But since you have such a great rack on the outside...

How about throwing some sparkles on it?

Work your assets.

Put this on.

Hm.

[squeals]

Oh.

[pop music]

♪

Jenna voice-over: My mom had giving me the confidence to fully embrace my popularity.

And to a sequins on a school night.

Okay, maybe not totally confident on that last part.

Are you sure the sparkly top is best?

I mean, one of these could be good too?

[sex toy buzzing]

Little bitch got boobs!

I have the perfect clamps for those honkers.

I'll even give you a discount.

I'm feeling generous after that sh*t of edible body lotion.

Sorry, honey. Ignore her.

Like that's possible.

Why can't she have her party at her house?

Party is not for me, Hot Tits.

It's for your knocked-up mama.

Growing a small human in her stomach makes her feel like a beached whale in heat.

She needs tools and lubricants to find her ocean again.

[doorbell rings]

We're here for Jenna.

[sex toy buzzing]

Oh, it doesn't bite. But I do.

Thanks, Ally.

Hello. Good evening. Hi, there. Wow!

Tall.

Calm down, Mom.

Yeah, you have some bull riding to do, Jugs.

Need a harness?

[sex toy buzzes]

I think I got some in my trunk.

Jenna voice-over: It was my first night out with popularity, and I had to admit...

Their defense pretty much shuts down everyone's running game, man.

How amaze.

Come on.

Let's selfie.

Jenna voice-over: It was... different than I'd imagined it'd be.

Their pass rush is the real problem.

Yes.

Okay, what's that?

Imagine my left arm is the defense, my right arm is the offense, right?

My face is the ball.

If the quarterback is on the offense...

Jenna voice-over: I was sure that soon we'd be having real fun and making some great memories.

Just like the ones I'd seen the Julies post pics of on Facebook.

That was definitely gonna happen, right?

Yo, hold up, hold up.

She should pretend to be the quarterback.

Yes!

Yes.

Okay, I'm gonna bend over.

I need you to put both your hands under my butt.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

We're toasting and posting.

[beep] Jenna, your face.

Come on, bisnitches.

Look like you're having the best time ever.

Jenna voice-over: We were definitely trying to, but something felt fake about it all.

Maybe because it was all fake?

[camera shutter clicks]

[pop music playing on headphones]

♪

[sighs]

[cell phone ringing]

[clears throat]

Hello?

Are you kidding?

It's always nice to hear from you.

Nope, I'm totally free tonight. What is going on?

Uh, yeah, I'll see you soon.

[hip-hop music]

[indistinct party chatter]

A little fur goes a long way, ladies.

Add some warming gel and it's a wild kingdom.

[howls]

[door closes]

♪

Lissa? I thought you were grounded.

She absolutely is.

You said we were going to a pot luck at Pastor Ned's.

I thought it could be fun to try something a little different than Pastor Ned's.

Get out of the house. Talk to people.

Right, Mommy?

No.

Yeah!

Lissa, this is...

Look, Mrs. Miller.

They have white wine.

Your favorite.

Stay for one drink.

♪

Fine. But just one.

And that's it.

My mojo has flatlined, and Kev's willing to do whatever it takes to give it a pulse.

Oh, well, that one he can give it a pulse from work on his phone.

♪

I mean, you have to be Nancy Grace not to feel sexy with these suckers on.

[laughs]

♪

Return to stupid.

I have a man, boozebag.

But does Sergio vibrate?

When I tell him to.

Ooh!

[pop music]

Ah.

Well, I need to lie down.

Oh, honey, you can use my room.

Oh.

♪

Lesley: Lissa, where is my purse?

Your purse.

Party favor for your mom.

She is so [beep] stiff.

[rock music playing]

Yeah, it's been a pretty [beep] day.

I'm just glad is over and we get to hang out.

I'm always here for you, Matty.

Cool. So, who's this band again?

Morbidly Obtuse.

They're so good.

They make me want to light my toenails on fire.

[laughs]

Hey.

You want to take a picture before the show starts?

What for? It's all in here, buddy.

♪

Edible lotions are low-cal.

This one's watermelon.

Fantastic tequila chaser.

Try it.

It's like kissing a unicorn.

Mm.

Sweetie, is your mom okay?

She's been in there a long time.

Mm-hmm. Sometimes she naps all day.

[pop music playing]

Oh.

[Lissa gasps]

Mommy, you're glowing!

Oh, honey, I had a headache, so I-I opened my purse for an ibuprofen and... [giggles]

I don't even remember the last 17 minutes.

♪

Thank you, snugglebug.

You were right.

This was more fun than Pastor Ned's.

Now, let's scoot home and pray for these filthy whores.

[buzzing]

[exhales]

My bad.

[sex toy buzzes]

♪ Hold me baby ♪

Jenna voice-over: I had tumbled further down the rabbit hole and landed in Suckland, where some people sucked face and others just... sucked.

Hello, Earth to Janeane?

I think we're supposed to be making out.

[scoffs]

♪ Baby Ba-by give me some ♪

both: Jenna!

♪ Give me so-oh-oh-oh much ♪

J, you're making us look bad.

Sitting over there like a frozen virgin snow princess.

So depressing.

That's a college guy.

College.

You have to at least get your hands dirty.

♪

Jenna voice-over: For the first time, the Julies' words didn't sound like nonsensical gibberish.

They were absolutely right.

I did have a reputation to keep.

He'll settle for a handy, but next level would be great for everyone.

Just don't embarrass us, Spaz Face.

[sighs]

I won't.

I'm getting an Uber out of here.

And some pizza.

We're ordering pizza?

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

Okay, pizza will be ready in 15.

Luckily I have these two bridal magazines that need our attention before I call the whole thing off.

Jenna voice-over: If tonight was what being popular meant, then popularity was for losers.

And I wanted nothing to do with it.

I wanted to be with my real friends.

Planning my best friend's fake wedding or hanging out with the most unpopular guy I know.

[rock music playing]

[cell phone chimes]

♪

Hey, man, turn off your phone and rock out!

♪

Man, you are Matty [beep] McKibben!

♪

Jenna voice-over: I'd climbed to populadder, and from up here...

[cell phone chimes]

I could see that popularity was built on the way things looked, not the way things were.

And here I was, at the top, eating pizza with my BFF and taking my best selfie of the day.

T, let's take a selfie.

Smile or not smile?

Definitely smiling.

[poignant music]

[camera shutter clicks]

Next on Awkward

Beavis and Gay had h*jacked our yearbook.

Most basic is not a senior superlative.

Oh, Jenna, look, you got something.

Most depressing?

It's perfect!

Perfect for what?

The mother-daughter senior banquet.

They're girls, but they're moms pretending to be girls.

Do you love or do you lo-ove?

Jenna voice-over: Now to see what Matty thought of me.