01x03 - The Strike Visualizer Strikes Again

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x03 - The Strike Visualizer Strikes Again

Post by bunniefuu »


Come on, come on. One more minute, and I can retire already.

No more cop crap.

I can't believe they put you on a dangerous stakeout on your last night.

Yeah. This is really cutting into my drinking time.

Yeah, I'm out of here.

Flash, wait.

The Moonbeam Maniac is still out there.

Unless he's a beer, I don't care.

Dazzle, get up. Flash is leaving.


And... retired.

I hear a beer with my name, and it's calling me. Boo, boo, boo, boop.

I hope being a cop doesn't rot my brain like that clown.

So what if he has a clown's brain?

You've got red hair.

Have you been tested?

What's that?

What the f--

Oh, my god.


He was zero days away from retirement.

[techno music]

Police are baffled as the Moonbeam Maniac m*rder Officer Flash Delaney and nine others with a wrecking ball, an incident that's sure to reopen the heated debate for wrecking ball control.

I, for one, say wrecking b*lls don't k*ll people.

The cranes swinging them do.

Pizzaz: Ten more Moonbeam Maniac m*rder.

Ten, including a cop.

Typical Dazzle.

When he's in charge, a stakeout becomes a mis-stakeout...

'cause he sucks.

Whenever Dazzle gets in, please send him into my office for a brief new-assh*le-tearing.

I have had it up to here with him.

Dazzle, did you hear that?

Pizzaz needs to see you.

Nope. No time, Chrysalis.

We're gonna be late for Flash's retirement party.

We're still having his party?

He was just m*rder.


What better way to honor his memory than dinner at his favorite restaurant?

Answer: dinner at my favorite restaurant.

We're going to Trapezios.

distorted male voice: Trapezios.


Hey, watch it.

Okay, one order of Trapita bread, grande nacho platter, served without a net of course, and a "Catch Me, I'm Falling Signature Swinging Margarita" for the lady.

Wait, this isn't mine.

We ordered it for you.

I would've ordered you the sweet and somersaulty chicken wings if I thought it would lower your inhibitions.

I like my inhibitions exactly where they are, thank you.

Hmm. Hindering to my advance, yet still playful.


Are you a policewoman?

Uh, yes, I am.

What kind of g*n do you carry?

May I disarm with charm?

All right, what's going on?

Are you guys cops?

Hazing the rookie?

No, I'm Quasar Daniels.

I'm a badge bunny.

That means I like to have sex with cops.

And I'm Dr. Nocturne Von Groff.

"What do I do," you ask?

Actually, I didn't ask--

I do many, many things.

I'm an artist, a racquanteurist, a gataboutologist, a transmedial derivitarian, an epicurial enhanceneer, but above all, I am a dedicated holster sniffer.

Okay, that's it.

Time to go. Dazzle?

No. Can't you feel Trapezios switching to a late-night atmosphere with a forbidden dark party vibe?

I can feel that dark party vibe, Dazzle.

Quasar Daniels?

My little badge bunny.

Hippity hop.

Who's this weirdo?

I'm Nocturne Von Groff.

Oh--Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Nocturne Von Groff?

The Nocturne Von Groff?


You have got to be my favorite artist.

You recognize an artist, Dazzle?

Why, yes, Chrysalis.

I have been a fan of Dr. Von Groff for years.

I vividly remember the first time I saw his art.

I'm not sure what it was, possibly Star Glow Lanes. Somebody bowled a strike.

Then, his masterpiece unfolded before my very eyes.



You mean he makes those little cartoons that play at the bowling alley?

Yes. They're amazing.

They're funny. They're poignant.

They let you know how many pins you've knocked down.

Just to be clear, we're talking about bowling cartoons, right?

I'd prefer the term "Strike Visualizations."

Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't listen to my friend.

She's disrespectful and stupid. Idea. We should go bowling. Right now.

Ugh. I've never bowled a day in my life.

I prefer to focus my psychoanalytical state into the transference of ball to pin consanguinity.

Wow. Pin consanguinity is, like, my thing, man.

Let me buy you a drink.

Ugh. Can I get one of those stupid margaritas and a small cheese Trapizza?

Von Groff: So you see, the interplay between the black and white keys of the piano is not unlike that of bowling ball to pin.

Mm. Wow.

So insightful.

Okay, and my final question, if heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you arrive?

I'd say, "Well done, Nocturne.

Now, let me show you to the bath."


That answer is so down to Earth.

Ugh. Are you done gooing yourself, Dazzle?

I'd prefer you black out at home.

Okay, okay.

I just want to say your art got me through some pretty rough times as a youth, and I feel like I owe you.

I like you, Dazzle.

You amuse me.

I'm hosting a strike visualization performance arts spect-happening at this week's end.

It's not to be missed.

Mr. Von Groff, color me there.

Dazzle: You just don't get it.

He's my hero.

It'd be like you meeting the president of a glasses factory.

You're right.

I don't get it. Tell me, how did bowling cartoons get you through rough times?

When I watched Von Groff's work, I was no longer just a lonely child.

I was a bowling ball knight riding a dragon, slaughtering my pin enemies.


And when my mother d*ed, I didn't cry, no.

I bowling balled up all my anger, and my grief looked like pins.

You had a really strange childhood, Dazzle.

Still no leads in the Moonbeam Maniac case.

At the risk of giving the Maniac exactly what he wants, he is really outsmarting the police and completely deserving of our attention.

Mayor Jaxxon's up my ass about this Moonbeam Maniac.

He wants to form a task force and told me to put my best man in charge of it.

But seeing as I have no best, good, or even acceptable men, Chrysalis, you're in charge.

A girl?

In charge of me? [chuckles]

I'm a lone wolf.

I do everything solo. Everything.

And not with girls.

Can't someone else be in charge?

What about Flash Delaney?

He's d*ad.

Oh, right. Smashed to death.

Chrysalis is in charge.

That's the final word on the matter.

Okay, let's get to it, guys.

Rad, you can start by reviewing the evidence, and Dazzle, you can review the witness statements.

I can't work at night.

I can only work at night.

Canadian hockey megastar and prime minister Rad Cunningham, the man everyone is jealous of.

He sh**t.

He scores.

Stop it!

You're ruining the crime scene.

It's a crime scene.

It was already ruined.

Rad, get serious.

This task force actually might be able to catch the Moonbeam Maniac if we all just work together.

Guys, we got to move.

There's a 241 in progress on Saturn Lane Avenue. Let's go.

A 241? What's a 241?

Rad, let's go.

[Rad screaming, thuds]

Oh, Rad, not again.

It's not what it looks like.

Everyone down. It's a 241.


Dazzle, where's the 241... and what is it?

Two-for-one Glitter dogs.

It'd be a real crime not to take advantage of this offer.

Damn it, Dazzle. I thought that was code for a crime.

Oh, is that what those numbers I keep hearing mean?

Ugh, the nuances of law enforcement.

Okay. It's fine, everyone.

Go back to what you're doing.


Where's the 241?

Where's the 241?

Chrysalis: Uh, this doesn't look like food.

What do you mean? Glitter dogs are awesome.

The meat in rainbow colors.

Ugh. It's about time one of you losers bowled a strike.

Hey, don't talk to my son like that.

It's okay. I'm a cop. Attention, everyone.

You are about to experience a Von Groff visualization.


[fiddle music]


Dazzle: So cool.

Why are they in a canoe in a pool?

No wonder you can't solve m*rder.

You have to open up your skull and expand your mind like Von Groff with his visualizations.

Who's Von Groff?

He makes the bowling cartoons.

We met him last night.

Oh, did you ever see the one where the ball is in a top hat and gets the last pin with his magic wand?

Yes, Rad. The Great Sparedini.

Everyone knows that one.

Jeez, if you can't keep up, then shut up.

I thought art was for everyone.

Everyone but you.

Here comes another one.

[Spanish guitar]

[bull bellows]



When do bulls fight ten matadors at once?

Von Groff tears down those old matador-pin-bull-ball cliches.

And who are you to criticize him, huh?

You're just a rookie cop in charge of her first task force.

You've got no imaginization.

It's not "imaginization."

Don't you see?

It is imaginization.

That's what you need if you want to solve cases.

Become the bowling ball, and you'll be guided in for the strike.


But a bowling ball can't just bowl alone.

It needs someone to throw it, right?

Ah, a bowling metaphor.

Now, I'm interested.

What do you say?

I'll be that m*rder-solving ball, and you stick your fingers in me and throw me down that lane.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

No, no.

You said it beautifully.

From now on, this task force will run as smooth as silk.

How about it? Task force.

Chrysalis: Task force.

Rad: Task force.

Quick addendum. Can we stop by the ice cream place on the way back?

I think I left my g*n there.

[laughs] In fact, I know I did.

The Moonbeam Maniac is at it again, using a cop's g*n...

That's me.

Genesis: To hijack a black hot air balloon, crashing it into an eyeglasses factory.

Oh, god, no. Not the glasses factory.

I guess that's why police chief Pizzaz Miller stinks so bad.

She was on duty. We got a great show.

Straus and Dunn are here.

You hear that?

We are being mocked by late night quipster Stride Zimmer.

This has to stop.

I know.

I can handle his japes, but his jibes cross the line.

The m*rder have to stop!

Chrysalis, your task force has done nothing but rack up Glitter Dog bills.

What are you, a cop or just another pretty face?

Lay off her, chief.

She's not that pretty, so she can still be a good cop.

She'll learn the ropes.


I'm the only doing anything in this investigation.

This is the worst task force I've ever been a part of.

You're the worst.

You suck.

Oh, I hate you.

Et cetera.

[all speaking at once]
Chrysalis, listen to me.

If you don't solve this--

[blow-dryer running]

What the hell are you two doing?

You specifically said, "Chrysalis, listen to me."

I decided to take my non-listening time and blow dry my hair.

And me to shave.

Give me that God damn--

Chrysalis, you need to pull this sorry team together 'cause if you don't, then God help us all.

My razor, please.


Dazzle, were you up early bowling again?

No, there were leagues.

I just watched.

Dazzle, please. No bowling.

My career is on the line.

I need help.

I am helping.

Look how fast I'm driving.

Yes, but where are you going?

[tires screeching]

[metal clangs]

[people scream]

Dazzle, as task force leader, I forbid you to go in there.

What's more important, Chrysalis?

m*rder or art?

m*rder is, Dazzle. Damn it.

Dazzle, where are you?

man: The performance arts spect-happening is about to spect-happen!

[electronic music]

Whoa. Excuse me.

Von Groff: I am the black sun traveling on rented shoes out of the void.

All things in my path shall be destroyed.

[fiddle music]

[train horn bl*ws]




Who knew Moonbeam City had such a thriving strike visualization community?


There can be nothing worse than this.

Ooh, what's up, Red?

I bet you could do the seven-ten splits.

Get the hell out of my face.

Moving on.

The disjunction of the very system that pretends to control it with its gutters.


[maniacal laughter]


[comical running noises]

Oh, my God.

Von Groff is the Moonbeam Maniac.

Police. Let me through.

Dazzle, I figured it out.

Von Groff is the Moonbeam Maniac.

Yeah, he's awesome.

Nocturne Von Groff, you are under arrest on lots of counts of m*rder.


See you at the ball return.

[flat maniacal laughter]

And then, she jumped up on stage and tried to arrest Von Groff.

My theory is she had some kind of an aneurism due to an overload of great art.

She has gone insane.

I'm not insane.

Look at the crime scene photos of our Jane Doe.

Same hallway, same Kn*fe wound entry points, the sweater with the two rings like a bowling pin.

And look at some of these m*rder.

Woman k*lled by mysterious "black" train?

"Black" bull tramples nine, one spared?

Wrecking "ball" kills Flash Delaney?

You're going to try to pin all of this on Von Groff, pun intended.

Oh, looks like Dazzle's gonna have to capture his boyfriend.

What do you care, Rad?

Is it because it would hurt me to see Von Groff arrested?

Von Groff's guilty, Dazzle.

Hurting you is just a cherry on top.

Sweet, sweet cherry.

Dazzle, bring in Von Groff. That's an order.

Oh, I'll bring him in all right, but only for suspicion of innocence.

[sirens blaring]

Rad: What is this place?

It's a m*rder's lair.

Ah, ah, ah, I'm all pinned in.

I'm all pinned in. [crying]





Von Groff, it's me, Dazzle.

Expose yourself.

Well, if it isn't Dazzle Novak, my little boule de goutirre.

That's French for "gutterball."

Listen, Von Groff, you have to turn yourself in.

It's the only way to prove you're innocent.

I'm not innocent, you idiot.

Clearly, I'm guilty.

Just the kind of thing an innocent man would say.

No, I'm guilty.

I k*ll people and I like it.

Here, watch.


Von Groff: There, I just k*lled a cop.

Completely understandable.

You're acting under duress.

Dazzle, save me.

Uh, yeah, I'm just weighing my options here.

I can certainly see the argument for saving you, but then again--


You're not one of these idiots, Dazzle.

Not like that pinhead throwing up in the trash can.

Shut up, Von Groff.

I'm not a pinhead.

The greatest indignity.

Showered in one's own puke.


Dazzle, I could use someone like you on my team.

Together, we could be two big strong black b*lls.

Admittedly, that sounds very appealing, but we have got to bring you in.

You're just like the rest of them.

Stupid stecknadels.

That's German for "pins."

I'm afraid it's the last frame for Moonbeam City.

For tonight, at midnight, will be my final strike in the perfect game of life.

Every last pin, ka-boom.




[continues laughing]

Damn it. We were so close.

What's the plan?


The plan is to trample anything that moves on our frenzy to get out of the city.

I'll push over children.

Pizzaz, you take the elderly and infirm.

both: Shut up, Rad. Jinx.

Think about it.

If all of his m*rder played out in strike visualizations, how would he reveal his perfect master plan?

At the end of a perfect game.


It's the bowling averages of every Moonbeam citizen from the database.

Chrysalis, I guess you do have imaginization.

You really think somebody's gonna bowl a perfect game before midnight?

There's no way.

It'll never work. Never, never--

It will work, and I'll tell you why.

We're gonna round up every halfway decent bowler in this town at g*n, and force them to bowl until their fingers bleed, and to pull that off, we're gonna need a huge assh*le.

I can be that assh*le.

Did you or did you not bowl a 300 last month?

I don't care if it's your daughter's wedding.

We got bowling to do.

Rinse off and grab your ball.

Pizzaz over radio: I want six officers at Mrs. Gutterworths.

Damn it. Gutterball.

A Moonbeam citizen's one strike away from a perfect game at Strikerz Bowl-a-Dome.

Get over there and make sure he gets that final strike.

Vic: I am in this zone.

I am going to bowl a strike.

I will not miss.

I'm so honored to help my community in this time of need.

I don't think you get it, assh*le.

You should be feeling about 10,000 times the pressure you are currently feeling.

So get sweating 'cause if you don't bowl a strike, we're all d*ad.


[all gasp]


Wait, wait. Shut up, everybody.


Your frames are numbered, you pitiful pins.

[panicked chattering]

man: He has a b*mb strapped to himself.

His master plan is happening right now.

We're the pins.

Still think Von Groff's innocent?

Yes, sort of.

But we should probably k*ll him just to be sure, and I guess I should be the one to do it.

I loved him the most.

Stay steady. I can't get a sh*t.

It's too windy.

Chrysalis, do you have a bowling ball?

Here you go. It's a 13 pounder.


Ha, you missed.


And so we bid auf widersehen to this pin-infested excuse for a city.

[glass cracking]

What is this cracking noise?

Actual cracking?

This isn't how I visualized this.

Still ali--

I just hope I didn't k*ll an innocent man.


Pizzaz: As you can see, Von Groff wanted to destroy Moonbeam City.

You should all be very proud.

You saved a lot of lives today.

And we did it by working together.

That's right. For when evil strikes, our only recourse is our sacred oath as police officers in the fraternity of public service.

Chrysalis came into her own tonight.

Pizzaz guided us from above.

And Rad, at last, the glacier of animosity between us has melted away.

I've always considered you an opponent, but now I see you're a pro-ponent of justice and friendship.

Oh, Dazzle, your words have moved me.

I have always held you in such high--

Sike! Think fast, crap bag.


[screams, thuds, cat yowling]


von Groff: See you at the ball return.

See you at the ball return.

See you at the ball return.

See you at the ball return!

See you at the ball return!

See you at the ball return!
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