02x15 - All The Knight Moves

[bunniefuu]

When are you guys gonna be finished?

We wanna use the table.

Zuri, chess is a noble game of strategy and patience.

We could be here for hours, days, even weeks.

Ugh! I'm out.

Finally! You know, you could have won five minutes ago.

And what makes you say that?

If you would've moved your horsey to that space, he would've had to move his castle here, which would've left him open for one royal butt-whoopin'.

Dear Gods, you are correct!

Whoa. Zuri, how do you know so much about chess?

I dunno.

I just picked it up while I was waiting for you.

What? Like it's hard?

Well then, perhaps you might care to test your luck against a master.

Or I could play you.

What I do not get is how you were able to think so far ahead.

It's easy. Like when I want to stay up past my bedtime.

At breakfast, I tell Jessie she's the best nanny ever, then I give her some lame gift I made in art class, and bam!

I'm up late watching TV.

Hey, I thought you made me that dream catcher because you love me.

I do. I also love Charlie Rose.

What do you say when you win?

Well, if you were to win, (Scoffs) Which is unlikely, you would say, "checkmate."

That's lame. I'm going with...

"You lose, sucka!"

You gotta admit, that is catchier.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

Man on TV: Twenty-five years ago, this man stole a priceless diamond necklace from a yacht, then escaped using scuba gear.

Diamonds? (Giggling)

Please! Everyone knows you should wear pearls when you're on the water.

And there's Emma's useless tip of the day.

Man on TV: Police believe the Scuba Bandit then went into hiding.

Here is a computer rendering of what he would look like today.

Hey. That picture kind of reminds me of...

Here is what investigators believe he would look like if he spent the last 25 years complaining all the time and eating cheese.

(Gasps)

Bertram! He's the Scuba Bandit!

That picture looks just like him.

So does a walrus. That doesn't mean he's a master criminal.

Bertram, totally random question.

Where were you on the night of August 12, 1987?

Well, you kids weren't born yet, so I was probably someplace being happy.

I was just curious what you did before you came to work for us.

I'll tell you one thing.

I had a lot less acid reflux.

Luke, did you hear that?

He was ducking my questions!

That proves Bertram is the Scuba Bandit!

Why?

Just because he can't remember what he was doing on some random day 25 years ago?

You're being stupid.

Said the boy who thought eggplants came from planting eggs.

Man, what is up with the nerd herd in the park today?

Hmm.

They are signing up for the Central Park Chess Tournament.

The prize is two first-class tickets to Paris.

Paris? That's the most romantic city in the world!

It's always been my dream to go there.

(Shushing)

(French accent) I am trying to concentrate.

Now, make like a mime and shut your pie hole!

Well, on behalf of me and mimes everywhere...

You know what, Jessie? I'm going to win that trip for you.

You deserve a vacation.

And I deserve a nice break from school.

That is Clement Brulee. He is the best player in Central Park.

Zuri does not stand a chance against him.

I think the girl with the loud hair would do well to listen to the boy in the loud shirt. (Scoffs condescendingly)

Oh, yeah?

Well, my Zuri's going to enter, and she's going to b*at the baguette out of you!

You bet your Beret I am!

Mmm. That's right.

She's going to practice every single second until that competition.

I am?

But tonight Charlie Rose is interviewing the head of the International Monetary Fund!

TV rots your brain.

Emma, this is crazy.

If Bertram's the Scuba Bandit, I'll kiss Mrs. Kipling.

(Softly) Better pucker up and get some breath spray.

Bertram!

Oh!

What are you doing?

This is how I always clean Luke's room.

The air is dangerous.

Last time I went in there unprotected, I woke up three days later, and I could hear colors.

Wait, that's not normal?

(Breathing heavily)

I can't believe it, but you might be right!

I also can't believe my first kiss is gonna be with a reptile.

I can.

Guys, Bertram is way too lazy to be a jewel thief!

He does so little work around here, the only thing he's guilty of stealing is a paycheck.

Oh, yeah? What do you think about this?

Well, it doesn't really go with what you're wearing, but...

No!

I found it in Bertram's room, behind his collection of onions that look like The Three Tenors. I don't...

Jessie, you have to call the fuzz right now and tell 'em we just blew the lid clean off this caper!

Hold it, Mugsy.

Just because Bertram had that necklace in his room doesn't mean he's a criminal.

The man could just like his bling.

Well, here's more proof.

Look what I found online.

"When the Scuba Bandit dove off the yacht with the jewels,"

"a passenger spotted a heart-shaped birthmark,"

"on the bottom of his right foot."

Okay, so?

So, all we have to do is trick Bertram into removing his shoes and see if he has the same birthmark.

Are you with us?

(Scoffs) Not a chance.

A world where I look at Bertram's feet on purpose is a world I don't want to live in.

Ravi, I have some exciting chess news!

Ha! There's one sentence that's never been spoken before.

I spoke to the Central Park Chess Committee and got you a job as the emcee of the tournament!

(Squeals) Really? That is amazing, Jessie! Thank you!

(Laughs)

And they'll be broadcasting over the Internet to literally dozens of people!

(Gasps)

How did you convince them that I was the right man for the job?

Oh, it was easy. Apparently, you really appeal to their target demographic.

Smart and sophisticated?

Young and nerdy.

Right now the average age of most of their fans is...

Well, dead.

Now's our chance to find out for sure if Bertram is the Scuba Bandit.

We just have to be subtle.

Got it.

(Roaring) Charge!

(Exclaiming)

Unhand my foot!

Luke! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

Tackle the Butler is an outdoor game!

Aha!

Jessie, look! Can you believe it?

Believe what? Bertram has so much hair on his foot he could be a hobbit?

No! It's the heart-shaped birthmark!

Bertram is the Scuba Bandit!

What? No, I'm not!

Then how do you explain that mysterious birthmark on your foot?

That's not a birthmark.

It's a scar from stepping on a glass that Luke broke and never cleaned up!

Huh. That does sounds like me.

Then what about this priceless necklace Luke found in your room?

That's a birthday present for my mother!

And it's not priceless.

It's a knock-off I bought from a guy on Canal Street, Larry Winston.

Ugh! I bought a bracelet from him once, it turned my whole arm green.

You kids need to stay out of my room, and out of my business!

Can't you control these hooligans?

You are the world's worst nanny!

Okay, just because it says that on the coffee mug you got me for Christmas doesn't make it true!

What's all this?

A special tea party for Chubbs.

I don't play with him for 24 hours, and suddenly he thinks I'm not invested in our relationship.

But the chess tournament is tomorrow. You should be practicing.

Jessie, I want to win that trip to Paris for you but, I don't want to spend all day playing checkers' snobby cousin.

But think about all the fun we'll have!

We'll see the Eiffel Tower, and the Louvre, and the Eiffel Tower...

You already said that.

I don't know much about Paris.

But that's why I want to go! So come practice!

Sorry, Chubbs!

Now he's going to withhold cuddling until I apologize!

Emma: Why is it so dark in here?

(Screaming)

Bertram?

Don't you mean the Scuba Bandit?

It was you!

I told you!

I always knew you kids'd find me out eventually.

I just thought it would be one of the smart ones.

Hey!

Actually, that's fair.

I started my life of crime when I was three.

Stole another kid's pacifier, and became known as the Binky Burglar.

Now, if you kids don't want to get arrested for harboring a fugitive...

You're going to help me rob the jewelry store across the street.

Why do you need us?

Because my days of crawling through tiny vents are 25 years and 2,500 baby back ribs ago.

But we've never stolen anything in our lives!

I've never stolen anything in my life!

Don't worry, I'm gonna give you kids a crash course in thievery.

Now, meet me tomorrow in the living room...

Or else.

(Laughing maniacally)

(Crashing)

(Screaming)

Bertram: And keep your stuff off the stairs!

(Moaning)

You, pawn!

(Scolding) Why aren't you practicing?

You must defeat the evil King so your Queen can get to Paris.

I want to meet some cute French guys!

Ooh, la, la!

Don't tell The Bishop.

I'm sorry, Your Highness, I was just playing with Chubby the Bear.

No! So long, Chubby! Time to hibernate!

No!

I don't wanna play chess anymore!

Stop her!

Halt!

(Mimics neighing)

Get thee to your board or it is off with your head!

No! Stop it! Please!

I command you, show me your moves!

Not you two!

Her!

Is that the best you can do?

(Screaming)

Zuri, what is the matter?

I just had a terrible chess nightmare.

Jessie was dressed as the Queen, and she was putting all this pressure on me to win her that trip to Paris.

What do you think that means?

Well, a dream like that can be interpreted many different ways.

Really?

No!

It is clear that Jessie is freaking you out.

Perhaps you should withdraw from the tournament.

But that trip means so much to her.

I can't let her down. That's Luke's job.

Then all you can do is try your best, and let the pawns fall where they may.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks, Ravi.

Night!

Night, Zuri.

(Ravi screaming)

What's wrong?

Every once in a while, it slips my mind that I have a giant, man-eating lizard in my room.

This is burglary boot camp.

Your mission is to steal that necklace on the terrace in under one minute.

Ready, set, go! (Timer beeps)

Take out the guard!

Ha-ya!

(Groans)

Hey, watch it!

Oh, no! Guard dogs!

Guard dogs! Guard dogs!

Quick, quick, through the vents!

Okay, hurry, through the laser grid!

Go! Go!

(Alarm blaring)

Time's up! That was pathetic.

You're not good at school or crime?

It's a good thing you're rich.

Check it out! I got us matching berets for our trip to Paris!

After the tournament, everyone will be wishing us, "Bon fromage!"

Why would they wish us, "good cheese"?

Whatever. I'll have plenty of time to practice my French on the way over there.

What makes you so sure about that?

Well, it's a long flight and I have this great new translating app.

No, I meant about the little one winning.

You have a better chance of making a "best dressed" list than she does of b*ating me.

Welcome to the Central Park Chess Tournament!

I am your handsome host, Ravi K. Ross.

I will be your guide through this white-knuckled world of sitting and thinking!

Ooh!

Pawned him like a gold watch!

Zuri! Zuri! Zuri!

And you are done, son!

Checkmate!

Checkmate!

Checkmate!

Checkmate.

Checkmate!

Ba-boosh!

We have our finalists!

It is cantankerous oldster Clem Brulee!

Versus surprising newcomer...

Zuri Ross!

Woo!

Zuri! Yeah!

Wave time, people!

Oh! You guys are no fun.

(Snorts)

(Gasps)

Ah! (Both scream)

You guys know the hardest thing about skydiving?

(Nervously) What?

The ground.

(Sniggering)

We're really gonna jump off the building?

The jewelry store is right across the street.

Why can't we just walk?

The only access point is on the roof.

Plus, you don't get a cool nickname by taking the stairs.

It's time to become The Flying Scoundrels!

Ready?

One...

Two, three!

(Both screaming)

We don't want to become criminals!

And not just because I have a parachute wedgie!

(Chuckling)

Gotcha! Guys, I'm not the Scuba Bandit.

You're not?

No! In the summer of 1987, I was a counselor at Camp Chub-Away.

Why didn't you just say so in the first place?

One, would you admit to that?

And two, I was tired of you kids invading my privacy and accusing me of being a criminal.

So, I pretended to be the Scuba Bandit to scare you.

(Giggling)

Well, it totally worked.

Yeah.

Only one problem. (Elevator bell dings)

We were so scared, we kind of called the cops.

(Radio chatter approaching) What?

Hey! Stop! Wait! I'm innocent!

Luke: Sorry, Bertram!

Don't worry, we'll be waiting for you when you get out!

How is that supposed to make me feel better?

(Sobbing)

I must admit, I did not expect someone so young and inexperienced to be so talented.

Thanks. And I didn't expect someone so old to go this long without going to the bathroom.

Who says I have not, eh?

Ewe!

Hey, I brought you some fruit to keep your energy up.

Send his King to the guillotine.

You play well, little girl, but your lack of training...

(In sing-song voice)

Is starting to show. Ah!

Hey, you like apples?

Oh, merci. I love apples.

Good. Because I took your Queen.

How do you like them apples?

"Boom!" Goes the knightamite!

Zuri has set him up. He is finished.

In no more than six moves, she will have him in checkmate.

Oh! That's incredible! Or, as they say in Paris, (Beeps)

(Speaking nonsensical French)

Jessie, nobody in Paris says "the chickens are shining their shoes."

Stupid free app.

You know, I was just about your age when I start to play this sport.

See? I told you, it is a sport!

But my family, they put too much pressure on me, so I quit and ran away.

Ever since, my soul has been heavier than my mother's souffle.

She is not a very good cook.

That's a sad story.

You should really go see your family.

That is why I play this tournament.

If I win this trip, I can go and make my peace with them. Mmm?

This is it. She has his King trapped.

All she has to do is move her Queen.

Ravi: (Shouting) Do you believe in miracles?

Huh?

Checkmate!

Do you believe in completely predictable outcomes?

Clem Brulee, the expert, has won!

(Applause)

Adios, Paris.

I'm sorry, Jessie.

It's okay, I know you did your best.

Actually, uh, she let me win.

What? You didn't do your best?

She threw the match so that a poor, old man could go and see his family.

You have done good job with this one.

Merci Zuri.

Au revoir.

Bye, Clem.

I'm sorry I let you down, Jessie.

(Chuckling) Let me down?

You just did a very amazing thing, and I am incredibly proud of you.

I just wish I could be proud of you while stuffing my face with croissants on the Chomps-Elissies.

Don't worry, I will get to Paris eventually. (Giggles tremulously)

You get travel discounts when you're over 65, right?

(Sobbing)

(Beeps)

Hey, dad! Listen, Jessie's never been to Paris.

Can we take the jet this weekend?

Awesome! Thanks, dad!

Now for the love of Pete, can we have a tea party, already?

Oui, oui.

(Squealing in delight)

Oh, Ravi, who are your new friends?

Chess babes!

(In sing-song voice) Score!

Checkmate, Ravi.

Thanks for bailing me out and clearing things up with the police, Jessie.

And thank you even more for this.

Now, remember, whatever Bertram wants, he gets.

May I suggest you have them massage that "mysterious birthmark" on your foot?

Oh, yes. (Sighs in anticipation)

That's cruel and unusual punishment!

Speaking of unusual...

I have this giant bunion shaped like Barbra Streisand.

You'll want to pay her extra attention.

Ewe!

Oh, anyway, I hope you two have learned your lesson.

Oh, toats, we're never going to let our imaginations get the best of us again.

Next on unresolved felonys, police continue their hunt for the elusive Sweetheart Bandidt.

Here is the last known photo of her.

Jessie!

Jessie!

You call the cops, I'll get some duct tape and a rope.

No, stop!

You didn't bring me napkins.