03x20 - Coffee Talk

[bunniefuu]

(Chanting) Om... om...

Justin Timberlake is singing in the park tomorrow night!

Om... my gosh! I am so there!

Yeah... oh! Legs numb.

People are already lining up!

At first, I thought it was for a new unicorn exhibit at the zoo.

Oh, Zuri, unicorns aren't real.

Which is why if the zoo had one, it would be quite the draw!

Fair enough.

Let's go!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(Talking in Spanish)

Now you.

(Blowing)

Luke, focus! Your Spanish test is in two days!

Don't worry, I got this.

Holla. Oh...

Como Emilio estevez?

My llama...

Wait, what's "my llama?"

Luke! Your "llama" is Luke!

You did not even get your name right!

I'm going to fail, aren't I?

Si. See what?

I see you taking Spanish again next year.

Oh, uh, Bertram, I must inform you that I used your coffee pot to make a special brew for Mrs. Kipling.

Mmm. It's pretty good. What is it?

Your classic French roasted ground cricket.

Ugh! Oh, no!

Please tell me this is a cricket leg.

Definitely not. (Sighs)

It is a cricket antenna.

Oh...

I can't believe you put insects into my beloved Carol the coffee maker.

She's ruined now!

(Sobbing)

Whoa! Bertram has really lost it.

He's gone... (Talking in Spanish)

Yes, Luke...

Bertram has gone crazy in the squirrel of your grandmother.

Those were all real Spanish words?

I'm closing in on d minus territory!

Ole!

(Sobbing) Roast in peace, my dear Carol.

Hey! I'm trying to study!

Keep your creepy grieving down.

Or at least take out pippa the panini press and make me a sandwich.

Go study somewhere else.

Pippa is about to give the eulogy.

My condolences.

Oh! A coffee filter wreath.

How thoughtful. And cheap.

Mrs. Kipling and I feel terrible about what happened, so, we would like to replace Carol.

Replace?

No one could ever replace...

Ooh! Who's your friend?

I got dad's robotics team to help me engineer a new coffee maker for you.

(Female automated voice) Hello, Bertram.

She speaks? Yes.

Several languages.

And she is programed to meet the needs of whoever owns her.

So, I hear you like Italian roast.

I do!

But frankly, I'd settle for anything without a cricket corpse.

Ravi also told me you're an opera aficionado.

Would serenade me with a few bars?

(Singing opera)

(Complimenting in Italian)

Grazie.

(Jessie cheering)

Girls, I have some exciting news!

The port-a-potty is finally free?

Because I was about to dig a hole.

Gross, and no.

I just scored vip wristbands to the concert!

What? How did you manage to do that?

I ran into my ex-boyfriend, who's Justin Timberlake's pet psychic.

He broke up with me because his boa constrictor said I was too clingy.

Which is ironic.

Finally, Jessie's bad taste in men works in our favor!

Right? (All cheering)

I can't believe I actually scored two all-access passes!

Say what? But there are three of us.

I know! That's a problem.

Okay, I guess the moment's over.

Hey, Emma, what are you doing?

Making Jessie a card to show how much I appreciate her.

I can't believe you're kissing up to Jessie so she'll take you to the concert.

Now, excuse me while I deliver Jessie's see-breeze fresh laundry.

You did laundry?

I've never even see you wash your face.

I do whatever it takes.

Too bad you didn't think of it.

Well, maybe I did.

Jessie! No, don't take that!

Then you will get all the credit.

Look, I did your laundry!

Emma, what a nice surprise!

I thought you still believed in laundry fairies.

(Gasps) You shrunk everything and you turned it all blue!

My lucky armadillo shirt!

Well, now it's a baby armadillo. Even cuter!

(Gasps)

Emma, you ruined Jessie's clothes!

Guess you'll have to punish her.

No TV, no texting, no Timberlake.

Meanwhile, I made you this to show you how much I love you.

Zuri, that is so thoughtful!

I'm gonna put this on my dresser.

Which will be empty because all of my clothes are blue and tiny.

Zuri! I can't believe you set me up!

Why? Are you new here?

To quote an ancient proverb, when sisters go to w*r, it is always the laundry that suffers.

Zuri's like a bond villain with a bedtime.

I can't b*at her at this game.

You cannot b*at her at tic-tac-toe!

Exactly!

I need someone super-smart to help me outwit her.

I see where this is going.

My condolences, but there is nothing that could convince me to get involved.

How about a seat at the seventh grade cool table for the rest of the semester?

Tempting me with temporary social acceptance is horrific.

But so is eating with the lunch lady. Deal.

And that's why one direction owes everything to the Beatles.

(Laughing)

I had no idea the history of boy bands was so fascinating. You are brilliant.

Thank you.

Oh, look at your time.

I can't believe I've been up since yesterday talking to you.

Well, I am a great conversationalist.

Plus, you've had a ton of coffee.

You know, Serena, I feel like I could talk to you forever.

Bertram?

I don't know what disturbs me more, that you're talking to a coffee maker, or that this isn't the weirdest thing I've ever caught you doing.

This isn't just any coffee maker.

This is Serena. She speaks, she brews, she enchants.

Oh, hello, Luke. Ravi programed me all about you.

How is Spanish class coming?

Terrible. If I don't pass this next test I'm going to flunk-o el class-o.

(Serena talking in Spanish)

Wait, you speak Spanish?

Of course. I was made in Colombia.

Just check my label.

Don't you dare!

Bertram, I just had a great idea.

Since Ravi gave up trying to teach me Spanish, maybe I can borrow Serena and she can help tutor me.

No way! She's mine.

Come on, Serena. Let's go change your filter.

Don't worry, I'll look away.

Okay, Ravi, you dragged me away from doing homework...

Thanks, by the way.

So, what do you want?

Jessie has decided to take you to the concert, because you are her favorite.

Well, that makes sense.

She said to bring you here for a meet and greet with Mr. Timberlake.

But what about the "no trespassing" sign?

And that security guard whose neck weighs more than my head?

Jessie said that is for regular people, not a vip like you.

This vip treatment should extend to the playground slide.

I'm sick and tired of going after skidmark Sanders.

Hey, wait, I'm supposed to be here.

If you don't let me go, jt is gonna rock your body with his fists!

Aww.

Did somebody think Jessie was going to give her a wristband?

Mister muscles, mister biceps, her name is Zuri Ross, known trespasser.

Feel free to pass these around to your fellow neanderthals.

Carry me over there!

I wanna kick their butts!

More spring water, dear?

Please.

Mmm...

Bertram, I've had such a wonderful afternoon.

Ravi gave me a lot of data about you, but he never said you were such a romantic.

And the day's not over yet.

After dinner, I'll give you a nice bubble bath in the sink.

Do you prefer clean citrus or de-greasing non-scented?

(Laughing) Whatever you want.

You know, Bertram, I really like you a "latte."

Oh! (Laughing)

I like you a "latte" too.

What are you staring at?

You act like you've never seen a guy and his coffee maker having a picnic!

Oh! Look at the beautiful daisies.

I'm going to go pick you one.

It'll really set off your handle.

Hurry back, you hot cup of handsome!

(Both laughing)

Hey! What are you...

(Muffled screaming)

What?

Serena? Serena?

Help! Help! I've been coffee mugged.

Thank you! Thank you!

(Gasps) It's here, it's here!

I assume by your joy that man was not delivering Luke's report card.

Nope. This envelope holds two all-access wristbands to the Justin Timberlake concert.

And Luke always intercepts his report cards.

What? Only one wristband?

Oh, no. My ex says this is the best he can do.

Do you know what this means?

You have to tell Emma and Zuri neither one of them can attend with you?

No, it means I have to sneak out without them spotting me.

Hey, I'd be a bad nanny if I let one of them go to a concert all by herself.

Plus, I really wanna go!

Jessie, the best thing to do is be honest.

Just get it over with.

Rip that bandage off.

I ripped a bandage off Zuri yesterday, and she punched me in the knee!

I deserve that wristband!

You got to go to the last concert and I had to stay home.

It was Ravi's sitar recital and you faked an illness to get out of it!

I did not! Flu-nesia is a real thing!

Hey, there is no point in bickering any longer about the wristband.

Do you know something we don't?

That is a loaded question.

There is a lot I know that you do not.

Oh, yeah? Your fly is down, genius.

(Zipping)

Anywho, you did not hear this from me, but Jessie only has one wristband and she plans on using it herself.

(Gasps) What?

That big, lying timber-fake!

Come on, Zuri! Let's go 'n sync our fists in her face!

True, you could go and give Jessie a piece of your mind.

Though, frankly, neither of you can really afford that.

Well, what else are we supposed to do?

If you really want to get Jessie back, you should join forces and ensure that if anyone is to see that concert, it will not be her.

Great idea! Thank you, Ravi.

If you really want to thank me, you should come to my next sitar recital.

Aw! We'd love to but...

(Coughing) Flu-nesia!

(Both coughing)

Yes, officer, I realize she's only been missing for half an hour, but that's six whole brew cycles!

Oh, did I not mention? She's a coffee maker?

Hello? Hello?

Serena, where are you?

Oh, you!

Hey! Where did you get that coffee?

Soup? Oh, okay, you're in the clear.

But I should keep this. I kind of backwashed a little.

Serena?

Hi, Jessie! Feeling tense, stressed?

Need to relax?

How about a massage?

Oh, Emma, that's so sweet but...

I should really tell you, I only have...

I got all your favorite oils!

That I only have 15 minutes.

I got a little knot right there.

Oh! I know all about knots.

Don't worry, you're in good hands.

Is this a Swedish massage?

No, more of a tie massage.

That's it, red! The jig is up!

Zuri? What jig? There's no jig!

We know there's only one wristband.

Ravi! I can't believe he told you guys!

Believe it. I once told on myself for jaywalking.

Okay, I promise I was going to tell you guys!

When, on your way to the concert?

No, when I got home!

I thought a souvenir cup would soften the blow.

Fork over the wristband.

No, I am going to that concert and that is it.

We'll see about that.

(All laughing)

Uh, guys...

Let me go!

(Chainsaw whirring)

Is that a chainsaw? You kids better not be running with that!

(Blowtorch f*ring)

Okay, is that a blowtorch?

All right, fine, fine, fine! I give!

The wristband is in my purse, behind the couch!

Please don't barbecue me!

That sound effects app was the best 99 cents I ever spent.

Got it!

Well, I hope you girls are satisfied.

You both want to go to the concert, but you still only have one wristband.

I'd be laughing in your faces right now, if you were still under my face hole.

Oh... I didn't think about who would get the wristband.

Me neither.

I did! What?

Where do you think you're going?

To the concert!

I am a Justin Timberlake super fan. You know that!

We do? News to me.

You should have a profile page.

I do! I have sent friend requests out to all of you!

Don't let him leave with that wristband!

Halt! Take one more step and the wristband gets it!

You do realize you just trapped yourself, right?

That is becoming abundantly clear.

"I love my parents."

(Translating in Spanish)

(Repeating in Spanish)

Bueno. Now say, "I love my sisters."

(Translating in Spanish)

Have you met my sisters?

(Laughing) Okay, okay, try this.

"I love you."

(Translating in Spanish)

Te amo. (Talking in Spanish)

Te amo.

Te amo!

You!

Serena, I thought I was the only man you loved!

(Sobbing) Ay, papi, this is not what it looks like!

Yeah! I was just using Serena to help me with my Spanish.

Wait, so you were just using me?

I thought we were friends!

Typical, Luke.

He doesn't care about you the way I do.

Nobody cares about appliances the way you do.

Why don't you ask him about Carol?

Who's Carol? Was she a French press?

No! She meant nothing to me!

She didn't even have a cup warmer!

Don't you touch her!

Stop! I need her!

(Serena grunting)

No!

(Grunting)

(Sobbing) Oh, Serena!

Serena: Bertram, help me!

Don't worry, I can fix you!

Serena: Oh!

Serena! No!

Serena: Bertram? Where am I? Is that a mouse?

Eww, it's half a mouse!

(Talking in Spanish)

(Serena talking in Spanish)

Hey, I learned Spanish!

She's all yours, buddy.

Serena, I know you're inside a dragon, but we'll get through this.

(Burps)

Somehow.

Maybe with a lot of breath mints.

Ladies, the concert starts in an hour!

Let me go, or I will cut this band into a million pieces!

Well, maybe not a million pieces, that would just be tedious.

But I will do it!

Easy, Ravi. We just want to talk.

We brought you this pizza as a show of good faith.

Oh! How kind!

(Ravi screaming)

Emma: Get him!

Zuri: I would if I could see him!

Emma: I need that wrist band!

Zuri: Ravi, have you been lifting weights?

Emma: Give me that wristband!

Zuri? Emma?

Peace out, suckers!

Not so fast, mister!

Give me that!

As soon as I find shoes that match this table, I'm going to that concert!

You're not going to that concert!

Oh, really?

(Indistinct argument)

Stop it!

Look at yourselves.

You are all ready to tear each other apart for this.

First, Zuri framed Emma.

Then, Emma dragged me into this mess to take down Zuri.

And, Jessie, you sat by and let it all happen.

I hate to admit this but, Ravi's right.

Things did get way out of hand.

(Sighs) The truth is, none of us deserve to go to that concert.

Ravi, cut it up.

No! You can't!

It's over, girls.

This is the only solution that will not tear our family apart.

Okay? Do, it Ravi, it's...

(Sobbing) It's what jt would want.

(Screaming) Justin!

(Sobbing)

It is done.

While you're in the cutting mood, how about you cut me out of this thing?

Btw, this is the worst massage I have ever had.

Do not expect a tip.

Well, we might not be front row center, but the view from here isn't so bad.

Yeah, who wants Justin Timberlake's sweat all over them, anyway?

(All sobbing)

Wait, wait, wait!

This band is from lizard-con 2012.

What?

Wait, so, that means...

Ravi pulled the old switch-a-roo!

Hey! There he is!

I can't believe he conned us!

Emma: I can't believe he's pulling off that fedora.

Emma, we've talked about this.

The stars are up.

The star I want to see is down there!

Hmm.

Smokey.

Wait, is that Bertram?

Mrs. Kipling?

Why did he bring her?

They are sort of an item, now.

Really?

Well, at least he had moved on from coffee makers.

(Gasps) Does Carol know?