01x03 - Episode Three

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x03 - Episode Three

Post by bunniefuu »

What's the gig?

From now on, you'll be investigating the second coming of Christ.

She's my birth mother. She tells me I have a twin.

If I can find him, I can find Layla.

I kind of escaped.

You can't tell me that. I'm in the White House!

Yeah, this gonna be fun. Like Driving Miss Daisy, although without all that civil rights bullshit. Shut up!

Hey, Ariel.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip your b*lls off.

(Scissors snap)

♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone... ♪

See that?

That's what's going to k*ll everyone... any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are, who you pray to, black or white, straight or gay, rich or poor.

Yup, it's Judgment Day, the actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

In Slough, or rather under Slough, watching it on telly.

TV: 'One minute now.

'One minute. These pictures coming live to us from Hubble...'

I know what you're thinking, "Cheer up, you're one of the lucky ones!"

My question is, am I? I mean have you seen who else is in here?

Who are these people?

How the hell did this happen?

Are WE the future of mankind? I mean, seriously?

'Thank you all for watching. I hope we'll meet again.'

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Operation Saviour.

Our work here is secret so I'll now require you to surrender all devices that allow contact with the outside world.

No-one tweets, blogs, or sends carrier pigeons.

Now, you may be the world's finest minds, but there's no point in dreaming unachievable dreams.

We need to use existing technology, existing w*apon.

So, be realistic.

'Compromise. We report to the UN in two days. Timescale will dictate our approach...'

I'm his uncle.

I know it's chaos out there but any sign, give me a call, please.

TV: 'We believe that the video proves McNeil is part of a larger t*rror1st network. We now believe she's armed and dangerous, and poses a significant thr*at to national-security. We are therefore asking people to remain vigilant. If you see her, please call 911 immediately...'

Is this really necessary? Girl, we're wearing prison uniforms.

OK, what's the plan?

Oh. Um... Well, let me think.

I'll take the guards out with my nunchackus, while you disable the motion sensors.

Does that sound good, Batman?

What's the plan(!)

The plan is run over there and grab as many of those g*dd*mn clothes as you can without getting caught!

It's going to take us a week just to get to my place. A week?

I thought we were talking, like, one or two days!

Now, how do you think we're going to do that? Huh?

We gotta dump cars every few hours, stick to the back roads. Adds up!

Tennessee is only halfway for me.

I have got to get to Spike before Ariel does.

Well, that ain't going to happen at all if you get caught now, is it?

No, please, you've got it all wrong. I'm not who you think I am.

What's the magic word, Ariel?

I don't know because I'm not Ariel!

I'm Jamie. I'm his twin. I'm just trying to find my wife.

I think he has her!

I'm hoping that my birth mother knows where he is.

Her name is Mary and she abandoned be when I was a baby, and this is the only address I have for her...

You really haven't changed, have you?

Everything is still a lie.

(Hurry up and don't make a sound.)

(Toy chicken squeaks loudly)

(Dog barks)


Hilda, what is it, boy?

(Toy squeaks)

Leave them rabbits alone!

Oh, oh, hello, puppy.

It's OK. It's OK...

(Toy squeaks)

Oh, my God! How many toys does this dog have!

(Dog barks loudly)

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Good dog...

(Dog continues barking)

Hilda, scram!

(He cocks g*n)

Don't you move a muscle, missy.

Now, once again, what is the magic word?

I don't...


It is you because only you could have done what you did and still not know the word I want to hear. Make the magic word sorry.

Is it? OK. I'm sorry, then.

"I'm sorry, THEN?"

f*ck you.

You know, I vowed one day I'd see you grovel. Now do it, properly.

Sorry. No, not feeling it.

I'm really sorry.

A little more humility. From the bottom of my heart. Ariel ...

I apologise from the bottom of my heart sorry, sorry, sorry!

Go on, nail him. She's not going to do it. I can see it in her eyes.

Both: Whoa!

OK, no, listen, that was my bad. I misjudged that.

This wasn't supposed to happen...

(She moans loudly)

(She breathes deeply)

Is that what I think it is?

Please don't call the police, sir. I'm not a bad person.

Yeah? Why are you in prison, then, huh? My son made a mistake.

He broke in somewhere where that he shouldn't, and I took the blame.

My ass. No, it's true.

The only thing I'm guilty of is bad parenting!

God knows I tried.

Oh, God. I can't go back to jail.

I'm so afraid to die alone in there. I just want to be with my family.

You can understand that, can't you?

'Are you kidding me, Father?'

Is this some kind of joke?

Believe me, the minute the airlines get their act back together, we are back in economy.

Until then, welcome to Pope Force One.

Our first case. That's exciting.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just never flew before.

Really? You're kidding.

That's adorable.

If you get scared, I'll let you hold my hand.

That won't be necessary, thank you.

Really great research, by the way.

I'm in danger of looking professional.

But in the future, I will not need this, this... and that.

We have 32 days.

If you spend that kind of energy on each case, you're going to be burnt out.

But the medical evidence...

Celine, I love your love of the rational, but you get that we're beyond that now.

We're investigating false messiahs.

Or little giraffe girls.

But if people are willing to believe this crap, do you really think they can engage in a rational debate?

They can't.

So we fight f*re with f*re.

So we are just digging up dirt, like Tabloid X and sleaze?

Celine, in the real world, this is always about money or sex.

And when it comes to the devout, 99% of the time, it's about sex.

It's a fact.

No, this is nonsense.

Sex is a natural urge.

And you put a lid on that, it seeps out the sides, in unexpected and sometimes spectacular ways.

Well, I put a lid on it. I'm OK.

What? I am. You took the vows, too.

Yes, but that was different.

I was young and I had plenty of time to get it out of my system.

But if you've never done it, it's much easier for it to become a hang-up.

(She breathes heavily)

Give us the key.

If you let us out, we can drive you to the hospital.

Why should I trust you, though?

Because, A, I'm not Ariel, and, B, you still hold the trump card.

You know where Mary is. I don't.

Or you know, you could just do this on your own.

How's that working out for you so far?

(She struggles)

(She breathes heavily)


Don't worry. It suits you.

(Demonstrators chant "Jane Doe")

OK, I see your point. We have moved beyond reason.

Zamowilam nam wisite.

So, you've been busy?

Yes. Last 48 hours have been crazy.

Many suicides.

(He sets bones)

So, tell us about Jane Doe.

Approximately six years old, speaks English, but won't tell us her name.

She was in car crash two nights ago with woman we assume is mother, but no ID.

So who knows?

And she was d*ad when she arrived?

Yes, I examined her myself.

Sent body down here.

(Bone cracks)

Tomasz was on shift.

He put her in the draw.

An hour later, they are announcing the end of world on TV when he hears the screams.

No, ja prawie zesralem sie z tego wszystkiego.

What's he saying?

He say he nearly shit himself.

Oh. It's understandable.

So, there's no way you both could have made a mistake?

I'm just asking.

And the nurse sent the first tweet?

Suddenly, it was all over the internet. People do the math.

Resurrection plus Apocalypse equals second coming.

This mob is come for its Messiah.

(Demonstrators chant "Jane Doe")

OK, where is your car?

What? I thought you had one!

You said you'd drive me!

(She writhes in agony)

OK, don't worry.

Give me back my phone. I'll call an ambulance.

Oh, well done, genius. I wish I'd thought of that. Oh, f...

So, no ambulances?

No, it's a six-hour wait. They're short on crews.

It's the end of the world, remember?

Hey, look, don't worry.

I reckon I can do this. I've seen Call The Midwife.

It basically involves towelling.

Quick word. What?

We cannot deliver a baby!

Yes, we can! Positive mental attitude.

I don't think that's enough. I think you need training and skills.

Can someone get over here and help me take my knickers off! Boom.

Bucket list phrase right there.

Admittedly, in my head it was slightly sexier.

Look, she is terrified.

For her sake, we need to look confident. Swans, yeah?

You know, swans, calm up top even if down below's all, like, "Help!"



'You know what's depressing here?'

This may be the culmination of mankind.

Our finest minds, pinnacle of our civilisation, and look at them.

Even now we still can't work together.

Maybe we deserve to die out.

And Scotty?


You still look like crap.

Have you slept?

You gotta look after yourself.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

We haven't even started on the other thing.

Ariel, hold my hand. I still hate you, but don't you dare leave.

OK, I'm still not Ariel, but, don't worry. I promise I won't leave.

You're going to be fine...

Oh, for the love of God! What?

I mean, talk about design flaw.

No, we're going to have to swap ends, mate. Swans, yeah? Brilliant.

She took you hostage, yet, somehow, I'm the bad guy?

(Her breathing quickens)

(She moans in agony)

(She screams)

Both: Agh!

I can't believe I gave birth to that.

How did he get so big?

Anyway, that's Spike.

God, I love him, but has he got a mouth on him(!)

Oh, knows it all, loves to tell you your every mistake.

Wouldn't have lasted five minutes in juvey, huh? Exactly!

Thank you for not calling the police.

I really appreciate it.

Can I ask you a question?

Whose clothes are these?



Well, I like to dress like a lady.

I'm 46 years old and I've never told no-one that before.

Round here, that ain't something you tell.

I guess I'm just tired of living scared. Too late in the day.

We could all be d*ad soon.

So, this is me - just a regular Joe who likes wearing pantyhose.

That bother you?

No. Not at all.

In that case... would you mind if I go change?

Just once in my life, I would like to be myself.

(He murmurs to himself)

Too slutty.

Too formal.

Excuse me, sir. Could I use your phone? Help yourself.

You are gorgeous.

TV: '..leaving no doubt that the att*ck on the NSA was part of a wider campaign to destabilise the US interests...'

'Hey, you got Spike's voicemail. h*t me on the...'

Honey, it's Mom. Listen. This is important.

There's a man called Ariel.

He also calls himself the White Horse.

I think he's trying to find you, but do not trust him. OK?

God. I wish you would answer the phone, just once.

Give me it. Give me my phone, you drunk.

My house, my rules.

No phones, no TV, no internet, till you do your chores.

Now, I asked you to empty the crapper, and you didn't, so ...

Don't you dare.

I forbid you.

Why are you such a assh*le?

Don't ever talk to me like that. I'm your father.

No, you're not. Rajesh is.

Not according to the judge.

(Mobile rings)


'It's me. Did you find Spike?'

'Um... Not yet.'

What do you mean not yet?

Look, I'm sure there's no need to panic, 'but they're not at the address on the custody papers. Tim gave a false address.'

So Spike's missing?

Scotty, you have to find him.

How? What do you want me to do?

I'm doing what I can, OK? But this is a bad time.

Work is kind of crazy...

'I don't care!'

This is your nephew! This is family!

What could possibly be more important than this?

I can't tell you that. 'Oh, my God. You are unbelievable.'

Tell me at least that you spoke with Rajesh.


It's on my list. OK?

But look, there's something else.

'You are all over the news. Some guy posted a video on the web this morning and he says that you're a t*rror1st helping him wage w*r on America!'

You're not, are you?

Scotty, I'm a librarian.

'Well, why is he saying it?'

Cos he's a publicity-seeking prick who hates me.

'And I think he's trying to find Spike, so me getting recaptured suits him...'

(Phone disconnects)



(g*n cocks)

I trusted you.

You lied to me.

(Crowd chants outside)

How about a joke? Do you like jokes? Cos I have a great joke.

Why did the monk leave the monastery?

Because he was cloister-phobic.

No? OK.

Well, you'd laugh if you understood monastic architecture.

Um... Gum?

Do you like gum?

Jude, it's got nicotine.

OK, kid, you're k*lling us. Can you say something?

My mom told me not to talk to men like you. She says you're perverts.


Well, maybe you will talk to me, then?


What's a pervert?

Yeah, what's a pervert?

Ah, goodness.


It's a person who does things in funny ways.

Oh. Like a clown?

Yes, sort of like a clown.

I know. Did you ever play thumb w*r?

Here, give me your hand.

One, two, three, four, I declare the thumb w*r.

Now, my thumb chases yours, yes?
Those people downstairs are funny, aren't they?

They're idiots. They think I'm going to save them.

Oh, but you're not?

Of course not. I can't even cross the road on my own yet.

So, why do they say that?

They think I'm God's daughter. Wow.

And are you? Of course not.

She's my daughter. Come here. Mum!

It's OK, Mummy's OK.

You're all right.

You stay away from her.

(She screams)

I wish I...had dr*gs!

Why would anyone do this naturally?

I think we're nearly there, OK?

It's OK, I think we're nearly there.

OK, this is the one. This is the one! OK?

I need you to push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

You can do it. This is it.

That's it, that's it, push, push, push, push, push!

(She screams)

(She takes large breaths)

(Baby is silent)

What's the...matter?


(You know you want to. Come on, come on. This world is not so bad.

(There's still stuff worth fighting for.

(Yes, there is. There's still stuff worth fighting for.

(There's still stuff worth fighting for.

(There's still stuff worth fighting for. There's still...)

(Baby cries softly)

Oh, my God!

That's it. You practice using those lungs. OK.

There's Mummy.

My son.

My little boy.

He's awesome.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

It's not just me, is it? No.

I don't... I don't know what to say.

Thank you, thank you so much.

(Baby cries)

Your hands are filthy.

What happened to your thing?

Your compulsive hand-washing thing?

I told you, I'm not Ariel.



Hey. Hey, buddy.

Rhonda told me to come and see you.

Sorry I didn't come earlier. Work's been crazy. How's things?

Well, I'm dying, my son's been taken and the TV says that my wife is being hunted down like a dog.

But other than that...great.

By the way, we're being watched.

Think he's a cop?

God, I shouldn't have come here.

This was such a big mistake.

You're visiting your brother-in-law.

It's the kind of thing that normal people do.

Now, what the hell is going on?

She says she's coming back to DC.

Tell her not to. How could she be so dumb?

Don't think that's quite the reaction she's hoping for.

Why do you think they're watching me, huh?

Look, I've got to get back to work.

Scotty, this comet... is that you?

No. What makes you say that?

I can't talk about it.

These scientists, is that just a diversion to keep people calm?

I'm not asking for me.

I'm already d*ad.

But Rhonda needs to know.

It's going to be fine.


'Dr Hendrix to radiology.'

I owe you guys a huge apology.

I'm really sorry.

Your brother really brings out the worst in me.

We grew up on the commune together. He was my first love...sadly.

Then he ran off with my best mate when I was 18.

Haven't seen him since till you showed up.

With your identical love rat face.

I just wanted to get my own back.

Like, shit him up a bit for running off with Hawkwind.

Listen, take my advice.

Stay... away from him.

Believe me, I would if I could, but I need to find my wife.

Is she in danger?

Is he... dangerous?


Oh, shit! Shit!

Right, calm down. You don't even know if she's with him for definite.

I can't help it. I lost her for seven years and the thought of something bad happening to her now makes me feel sick.

I need her to be safe. I just... need her to be safe.

I've got to get out of Poland.

I'm fine.

(People chant outside)

I just need to get her as far from these freaks as possible.

I repeat, I am not with the freaks.

Yeah, yeah.

You tell yourself that. You're just a different bunch of freaks, buying a different load of mystical bollocks.

Who is that?

(Phone rings)

My dad. He works in a bank.

Ah, that's nice.

And, er, who with this going into his bank?

Your friend, Sister Sophia.

What did you say?

Sophia, your friend that d*ed.

She says she's happy and she's getting a lot of knitting done.


How do you know this?

Ever since waking up, I hear this voice.

It says I have to give you a message.

One day soon you are going to see four horses - a white, a black, a red and a pale.

It says when you see them, don't panic. It's all part of the plan.

Here. I want you to have this.

I put where I live at the bottom.

I don't think your mum want anyone to know that.

It's not for anyone, it's just for you.

How are you going to get out of Poland?

You are not fit to drive.

There are no flights.

I have a plane.

Look, you've got to get out of here one way or the other.

By the plane is a lot better than wandering around on the streets.

We'll put you in a cab, you can get a hotel and rest up.

And if something goes wrong, you can call a doctor.

Why are you being so nice?

What do you want?


You see, that, quote, "mystical bollocks" that I sell... is actually big on helping people.

Even when they're...acting like f*cking idiots.

Are you really a priest?

I believe in God, you don't, it's fine.

But I think we both know that your daughter is not the Saviour.

Let me help you.


How do we get past the freaks?

They are going to rip me apart.

He's a little bit smug, but still.

I mean, he would, right?

♪ We're not coming knocking at your door ♪
♪ Let me in and I'll tell you some more... ♪

I think we can safely say it's a gonna, Spike.

How do you know my name?

Let's just say I'm a fan of yours.

And a friend of your mother's.

She...she speak to you today?


She said she was going to call, let you know we were coming.

She sent you to get me out of here?

Who are you?

Can you keep a secret?

They call me the White Horse.

Shut up!

The White Horse? As in Deus Ex?

Oh, wow! Cool!

Well, looks like we've got ourselves a little mutual appreciation society.

Are you coming or what?

(Music continues)

'The video reveals her as an enemy of US interests. With Rhonda McNeil back beside us, we will...'

He's lying, I'm not with them.

Save it for the cops.

'Open your eyes, America, there is no apocalypse. They just want to control you.'

If it's the reward you want...

It's not about money.

It's about right and wrong.

Exactly. And that man is wrong.

He wants my son.

So it'd be real convenient for him if I'm out of the way.

You're helping him. I trusted you.

I took you in, fed you, told you everything.

I just wanted something real, another human being.

But you lied to me.


Oh, please.

Please, I'm begging you.

(Knock on door)

She's in the bathroom.

'Freeze and kneel or you are d*ad meat!'


(She screams)

Honey, you might want to exercise your right to remain silent.

(She sighs)

b*tch went from me, sir... Ma'am.

You know, f*cking rednecks, what are you going to do? Give them a ride?

There is a logical explanation for everything that's happened here today.

I see no evidence of a miracle.

The girl has a syndrome.

A medically recognised recondition where d*ad people seemingly come back to life.

There have been 38 cases... since 1982.

They can't all be Jesus.

The child is not the saviour.

That was cool.

'Chaos in Poland this evening as footage emerges of an angry mob as*ault a Catholic priest. The mob, followers of the bizarre cult, were enraged when the priest publicly challenged their beliefs. The whereabouts and condition of the priest are unknown. It's yet another worrying episode of so-called Apocalypse Fever. In other news...'

You've been gone hours.

Where were you?

Saw your sister on the news. Please tell me you are not helping her.

Oh, jeez, Scotty. You know how many laws you just broke?

You know they're going to be watching your family, seeing if she contacts anyone, right? Mm hm.

So? Yeah, I just went to see her husband.

Think his room's being watched.

Shit. OK.

I can still contain this if it stops right now.

What, so you want me to turn my back on my own sister?

No, I don't want that, but you been under surveillance just isn't going to work.

We need total secrecy. Anyone hears anything, we're screwed.

She's my sister, she needs me.

I need you.


I don't think I can do this.

What? I'm sorry.

The bunker and the lying...

It's wrong.

It's not wrong. And you can do it.

Scotty, it's not like we're benefiting.

If the world ends, we're just as d*ad as everyone else.

Except we've got the burden of knowledge, they don't.

You're not the only one who's terrified.

(Mobile rings)

It's probably your sister. Yeah.

I'm going to take a shower. OK.

Come on, pick up!

'This is Scotty. Leave me a message.'


Oh man! You know what, I love being a cop. I think I missed my calling.

Any time you want to thank me for saving you, you can just chime right on in.

What should I thank you for? For tasering me?

Or for abandoning me?


Let me get something straight. I do not abandon my friends ever.

When you was in that house getting fed, I was on my hand and knees outside that window watching over you.

And it's a good thing I did, too, otherwise your ass would be on its way back to jail right about now.

You were really there the whole time?

So you know they're looking for me.

Would have been a lot safer for you to just ditch me.

Well, that ain't me.

Look, I know a normal life, you cross the road to avoid me.

But this ain't normal, hon. We've got the whole world g*n for us.

And I need just one person on my side.

So how about it?


But could I be the cop for a while?

Oh, man.

All right.

But, wait, I thought you said we can't wear our prison fatigues.

Well, I ain't wearing that dress.

And I know we on the run, but that is a no.

So you came to find Mary?

You know, I grew up on the commune with her.

She was like a second mum to me, I mean, I can tell you everything you need to know.

I don't think I want to know.

Just where she is, that'll do.

All right.

I just thought...

When I was like this she dumped me in a car park.

What kind of person does that... to something this helpless?

And why ditch me but keep my brother?

The fact is, she may have been like a mother to you but she was nothing like one to me.

When can I call my mum?

I need you to put these on first.

Why? Because I said so.

Word of advice, never leave your webcam uncovered.

Have you ever heard of a programme called Face Chaser?

No? It's because the NSA doesn't want you to.

Facial-recognition software.

You scan a photo of who you're looking for, it monitors every security camera, every webcam on earth.

They go anywhere near a laptop or an ATM, bam! You've got 'em.

And I want it.

Why? Who are you trying to find?

A friend... who ran away.

You get me into the NSA, you get me Face Chaser, and then we can talk about your mum, OK?

Let's go.

What happened? Are you OK?

That is the last time that I ever try to use reason with an angry mob. It's OK, it's over.

Keep moving, people, there's nothing to see here. It's all perfectly rational.

Yes. Perfectly rational.

This was Mary's room.

It's the rapture.

It took your mum 15 years.

The ones on the string are going to heaven. The others are the dammed.

The Four Horsemen are somewhere.

I think one of them broke, though.

Look, there's the station and shops.

I know, it's Slough.

There's the car park she left me in.

A little baby in a box.

Why are you showing me this?

Because it wouldn't be fair to you not to.

You need to understand before you meet her, that's where she lives now.

It's a private psychiatric clinic in Scotland.

She was sectioned a few years ago.

It's in the Highlands.

Be honest with me.

Am I wasting my time?

How gone is she? Will she even know where Ariel is? I don't know.

But if anyone knows how to find him, it's Mary.

I mean, someone's paying the bills to keep her there.

(Machine beeps)

God, this place depresses me.

(Scanners beep and click)

(Breathing echoes though machinery)


Who are they?

And what do you want us to do when we find them?

We are searching for two fugitives believed to be in these parts.

There's a man outside the window.

Did he see your face?

He saw everything!

A jumper.

Are you dancing? You never dance.

You would risk a man's life for your moment in front of the cameras?

Gentlemen, I give you Face Chaser.

Leanne, ideas?

I can take it from here, sweet pea.
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