01x07 - Episode Seven

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x07 - Episode Seven

Post by bunniefuu »

From now on, you will be investigating the Second Coming of Christ.

I need someone tenacious, with a clear head and thick skin.

When can you start?

So, how'd you get her out?

Faked a 911.

Please tell me you didn't use your own phone.

I'll be under suspicion if they know I'm with you.

Who are you?

I'm your grandmother.

We could do great things together.

Our family's bigger than you think.

Jamie, you have a daughter!

One day soon, you're going to see four horses.

Don't panic, it's all part of the plan.

Your great-granddaughter...

Save me a place in here... and I'll get the girl.

A living, breathing blood bank.

Music: I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash

♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone... ♪

See that?

That's what's going to k*ll everyone.

Any second now...

Yep... it's Judgment Day.

The actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

In Slough.

Or rather, under Slough.

One minute now.

One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble...

I mean, what the hell are we all going to do down here?

No internet...

No radio...

God, I hope there's Boggle.

It's time to brace ourselves... to say goodbye.

Operation Saviour launches in just a few short hours.

Mankind's only hope.

A single rocket hastily assembled by a multinational team of scientists.

There's no backup plan.

If today's launch fails, all hope is gone.

( Heavenly music )

( Noisy crowd )

Oh, excuse me. You don't recognise this woman?

Hey, do you recognise this woman? She's got a little girl, about six?

Excuse me...

Hey! Jamie!

Get her a monster truck.

Girls love monster trucks, right?

Yeah, I'm actually quite keen on making a good first impression on my daughter, so probably not.

Oh! I'll get her a giraffe.

Jude says she likes giraffes.

In fact, it's the only thing he told me about her. I don't know her name but I know where she stands giraffe-wise.

Something for Layla, perhaps?

OK, so this is exactly what I was talking about.

This is going to be hard enough as it is without you being a d*ck to Layla.

OK and what possible justification could I have for that?

Oh, yeah, she's slightly married to your brother.

I just want to meet my daughter and find out the truth in the most painless way possible, OK?

Do me a favour and haggle for that.

( Giraffe squeaks )


You have completed your fast-track Level Six.

You have transcended the dimension of self and are finally ready to open yourself to the love of others.

Now do we get to meet the Messiah?

No, to meet Ruthless you must all travel to Paradise Island.

Great, so where do I get a ticket?

It's not that simple.

First you must choose a partner...

Got one. Got one right here.

... and then you must get married.

Ruthless teaches us that you cannot reach paradise alone, so I suggest you choose wisely.

( She laughs )

Thank you.

There's got to be another way.

Believe me... marriage is the only path to happiness and salvation.

We are out of here.

Real religions do not have levels.

Investigation over.

Hindus have levels.

OK, but they don't hand out badges.

Jude, not one person who has gone to this island has returned.

We must find those people.

We have to give their families answers.

Come on.

Let's get hitched.


( Chatter )

All right, mate? Hey, hey, are you interested in seeds, yeah?

I've got carrot, tomato, beetroot. Premium gear.

Actually, I'm looking for a woman.

That's not really my scene, mate. I can do you water filters, fertilisers.

Trust me. Survive this, you're going to need to grow your own.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I hope Saviour works but it pays to prep, right?

Yeah, this is her.

That's Sophie.


Yeah. She did my last MOT.

She's a great mechanic.

OK. And where is Sophie?

What's it worth?

No, I don't want your money. I want your tins.

All right.

OK. Kidney beans.


Cream of mushroom soup.

And whatever the hell that is.


She's at the courthouse.

She was arrested this morning. Come on.

Got you.

She's been arrested in Suffolk.

Right. Let's go. You drive.

I'm perfectly capable of snatching the kid by myself.

Yeah. Grandma doesn't want you going out on your own.

Oh. That's very sweet of her.

Mm. Isn't it?

You know how she worries about you.

This is insane. Rhonda. Please. You are on the run.

You cannot go to the hospital.

I didn't come all this way to just sit a few miles from my husband.

I've got to at least try.

Are you serious?

This could be the last time we are together ever. Think about it.

Everyone is going to be watching your rocket launch.

This could be my best chance, my only chance.

So unless you've got some better ideas...

Please, please take care of yourself. OK?

Cos with Arnie gone, you're literally all I've got.

( Mobile phone rings )

OK, I've got to go.

Where have you been?

I know. I'm sorry. I had to...

Arnie, we have to talk.

Not here.

Please, just listen to me, please. I love you. I love you and I miss you.

And I can't function without you and I... Look, I think it's stupid that we should throw away something as good as us just because...


Scotty, please.

Now is not the time. You need to pull yourself together. Now come on.

( Chatter )

That's all right.

Morning, everybody.

I apologise for the delay but as you can imagine we've been somewhat busy today.

Scotty McNeil, Senior Adviser, Special Situations Group, will run briefly through our timetable and then we'll take any questions.


Erm... Erm... The Operation Saviour launch will take place today at 1700 hours.

Assuming the launch succeeds it will take seven days for the craft to reach the comet.

We are not trying to destroy the comet. It's too big.

We just want to deflect it enough so that it safely misses Earth.


Yeah. Think of it like a game of pool.

The Earth is the cue.

Well, the... the craft is the cue ball and the comet is the eight ball.


Saviour contains a nuclear warhead which we plan to detonate on the comet's surface.

In order to do this, the comet will split into t...

I'm sorry, the craft will split.

Excuse me.

( Chatter )

Ah... Ladies and gentlemen, once again my apologies.

( Arnie's voice muffled in background )

Scotty McNeil. I have a warrant for your arrest.

All right... So what exactly is the plan?

Because just walking up to random six-year-olds and offering them cuddly toys is how you end up in a place like this. It's a bit...

Dave, look.

Do you think... ?

I don't know, man.

No offence but she's kind of normal looking.

Oh, God.

Oh, wow.

I actually feel a bit sick.

Maybe it's not her.

Daddy! That's my daddy.

Oh, wow.

This is a very happy moment for me.

It's so great to meet you.

I'm your dad.

I know. And that's Dave.

Mum told me all about you.

I don't actually know your name.

It's Frankie.

Pleased to meet you, Frankie.

What's that?

It's for you.

( Squeak )

I heard you like giraffes and stuff so... Do you like it?

I'd have preferred a monster truck.

(Coughing): Told you.

It's all going to be all right, isn't it, Dad?

Because you're going to help Mum and they'll let her go and we can all go home and live together.


Daddy, you did come to help Mum, right?

Because that's what good dads do.

Yeah. Right.

That's what good dads do.

Come on, Dave.

( Squeak )


Come on.

Mm. Yeah. No. Maybe lose the wig.



Put the black ones in again.

Honey, it's going to be fine. Really. I learned a lot on the run.

Most people don't really notice stuff. Besides I've got you.

You're going to knock out the surveillance cameras.



And I just... I don't know, Mom.

It's going to be OK.

I believe in you.

I don't like being made a fool of, Scotty.

It sticks in my craw.

Your phone records show the 911 came from you.

That is aiding and abetting a wanted t*rror1st.

Tell us where to find her.

Are you insane?

Do you know what I do for a living?

Saviour launches in a couple of hours.

You literally could not have picked a worse day.

On the contrary, you need to get out of here and you can if you give me your sister.

It's called leverage, Scotty.

( She slurps )

Well, you ain't gonna break me.

( Slam )

TV: '... These pictures are coming live now from Operation Saviour... '

This is life sentence for me.

I'm looking at two to five.

I know I'll probably never work in DC again, but hey, at least I can always say I helped save the world.

Blame Russian president for predicament of me.

69 rouble to dollar.

If not for him I wouldn't come here. I wouldn't be criminal.

In my country we have joke now.

"Ladies and gentlemen you will soon be land in Moscow.

You do not adjust your watches for daylight saving.

Just wind them back to 1989."

( He laughs )

It's funny, no?

What did you say?

It's much funnier in mother tongue.

No, no, the other bit, the bit about daylight savings.

Yes, it's finished.

Oh, my God.

President get rid of.

TV: '... The stakes literally could not be higher... '



( Chatter )

Yes or no. Did you or didn't you steal the inhaler?

Your Honour, my daughter is six and she has asthma.

Now by law her inhaler should be free but instead the chemist wanted 80 quid for it.

( Gasps from gallery )

80 quid. That's the real crime here.

( Cheering and applause )

Order. Order.

People shouldn't be making a quick buck out of the end of the world.

We should be helping each other.

I don't have ø0, Your Honour, so, yes, I took the inhaler.

Why aren't you charging the w*nk*r at the chemist's?

( Cheering and applause )

Order. Order.

I would remind you this is a court of law and would you please not say that word.

I'm sorry, what word, Your Honour? "Chemist?"

( Laughter )

Oh, sorry, "w*nk*r."

You don't want me to say "w*nk*r." Sorry.

Let the record reflect my deep regret at my repeated use of the word "w*nk*r."

( Cheering and applause )

Very amusing... (!)

( Judge's voice fades )

... I fine you ô00. I said your fine is ô00 to be paid immediately.

If I had ô00 I would have just bought the inhaler, Your Honour.

You leave me no choice. One week in prison.

That's ridiculous. What about my daughter?

I'll pay.

( Cheering and applause )

Who's this?

My husband, Your Honour.

She's six years old. She's going to scream.

No. A bit of chloroform and a hanky over the nose, she won't make a sound.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Looks like it.

I'm guessing you're single, right?

Most people have a picnic blanket, maybe a Frisbee.

I'm not most people.

Put it down. I wasn't born yesterday.

You're not getting rid of me.

Your gran doesn't trust you and neither do I. That's why I'm here.

I'll do the chloroform. You do the gaffer tape.

Fine. Suit yourself.

So where's the gaffer tape?

We need to get our story straight. You are Federico.

Terrible with names. Hope I remember it.

The neurosurgeon.

Thanks for picking that(!) With my vast knowledge in the field I'm sure I won't be tripped up. Who are you?

I am Luisa.

I live in the hills above Verona where I run the home of orphanage and donkeys.

( He yawns )

You don't like donkeys?

They're boring. And the kid thing freaks me out.

Can I play the guitar?

So basically I'm marrying a nun.

Hi. Logistical question. When does the last ferry leave?


But don't worry. You won't need a boat back.

No-one leaves paradise.

I'll take your word for it.

Thank you.

( Shouting in background )

I appreciate it.


So you're alive then?


( Squeaking )

OK. Stop.

I'm loving the news I'm a dad. Information that would have been nice to have had before now.

Hi, I'm here to pay the fine for...

What are you calling yourself these days?

Sophie Carlton. Thanks.

I'm sorry, OK? But everything I did I promise I did for a good reason.

OK. I'll just take your word for that then, shall I?

After all I've no reason to believe you would ever lie to me(!)

Just to be clear, I'm not here for you.

All I want is to know my daughter and maybe find out the truth.

Excuse me.

This card's been declined.

That's all I've got.

Got a car?

I've got a minibus.

That'll do.

I owe you one.


You may kiss the bride.

( Applause )

I forgot about the kiss. We'll just do it very professionally and close our eyes.

Music: Bridal Chorus by Richard Wagner Ah, so that's where the new messiah must be hanging out.

You need to look convincing. You are in love with me, right?

Why wouldn't I be?

( Music stops )

Are there any reasons why you should not be lawfully married?

Absolutely none.

Then place your hand upon the Bible.



Oh, yes.

Will you take Luisa to be your wife?

Will you love her, honour her, comfort and protect her, and forsaking all others be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Luisa, will you take Federico to be your husband?

Yes, I will.

Then place the ring upon her finger.

I now declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

( Applause )

( She clears throat )

I have to get a message to General Gaines or we are all screwed.

Don't tell me. Only you can save mankind.

This isn't a joke, OK?

I think there might be a slight flaw in a piece of code that the Russians wrote and I don't know if anyone has noticed it yet.

You want out, give me your sister.

No, that... That is not fair.


Your choice.

Just please can you get General Gaines on the phone or anyone else from Mission Control? Don't you understand?

If Saviour fails we're d*ad. We're all d*ad.

Including your sister.

So if you love her and you want to save her life, tell me where she is.

We are talking about the entire human race here.

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

No and neither are you. And you're a good man and you're not going to risk the entire world for your sister.

So where is she?

Where is she, Scotty?

You need to tell her. I need to save my mamushka.

( He sobs )

Come on.

Come on, just tell me.

Keep walking. It's the next room on the left.

There are no guards on the door.

I'm going to shut off their surveillance now, Mom. Good luck.

'It's done.'


I'm going in.


( She sighs )

( Muffled voice )

Please. No, you don't understand.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


Well, I think that we fooled them.

Absolutely. You were very convincing.

Thank you. Freddie is a very passionate man.

There you are.

Oh, look at you two. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Such a lovely couple.

Come, sit, sit.

I'm Arless and this is my wife Ruth. They call us Ruthless.

You know, like Brangelina? Let's have a drink, celebrate.

So they say you have been appointed by God. That must be nice.

Sure is. He spoke to me. He told me to recreate the Garden of Eden.

You win 300 million on the lottery, you know God is trying to tell you something, right?

Listen, can people leave here?

( They laugh )

Why would you want to leave paradise? We teach love here.

Love without guilt. None of that BS churches teach.

Real love. Look at these two.

Such a beautiful couple.

Well, this is it. We've been living the dream.

I'm going to show Dad my bedroom and my sunflowers and my castle.


You built all of this yourself? Seriously?

I've been holding him together for the last seven years.

It's not been easy.

Honestly, you have no idea how much you hurt him.

So if there's a shred of decency in you, don't f*ck him around again, OK?

Frankie. Frankie.

Me and Daddy need to talk. Why don't you show Uncle Dave where we pump the poo out.

Yay, poo pump!

She's great.

I just...

I shouldn't be meeting her at Lego.

I missed out on rattles and potties and hungry caterpillars.

Look, before we do this, I have to know how you found us.

It's really important for Frankie's sake.

A nun and a priest helped you in Poland. Frankie gave them this.

She wrote your town on it.

But how did you get it?

Funny story.

It turns out the priest is my dad.

See here's what confuses me.

Our wedding. It's you and me.

And then there's this.

And this is you...

... with him.

Oh, God, you know about Ariel.

OK, erm... I know this looks bad but...

Actually there is no but.

It's just bad.

Can we not do this here?

It's just you get a bit shouty and high pitched when you're upset and I don't want Frankie to hear. Please. I...

( Squeaking )


Frankie. Me and Daddy are just going for a little walk, OK?

Uncle Dave's going to look after you.

How long are you going to be?

It's just that when she hits me with the giraffe it actually really hurts.

Yay, let's play giraffe slaps!

( Squeaking )

We could...

How far are we going? How shouty am I going to get?

Let's just go another couple of miles, shall we?

In the interests of full disclosure, I think I should tell you that we are from the Vatican. I'm a priest.

And Celine is a nun.

Right. Got fed up with celibacy, did you?

Can't blame you. Very unhealthy.

No, no, we actually came to investigate you.

( Arless and ruth laugh )

Of course you did(!)

No. Absolutely that's why we're here.

Oh, come on.

Be honest with yourselves. The way you two look at each other? Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I can see it.

The levels have opened you up.

You're ready for love, honey.

( Gasps )

Now I expect you two want to start with each other but don't be shy now.

It's more of a buffet than a set menu.

Music: The Hunter by Slaves

( Arless laughs )

( Maoning and gasping )

You know how to drive one of these things?

Oh, not really.

( Engine starts )

But I am Italian.


( She laughs )


I've been calling. Why the hell aren't you answering the phone?

We're a little busy.

The DST. We need to check the Daylight Savings Time.

We did, like 12 times already.

No, no, no.

We have Daylight Savings Time but the Russians... The Russians don't.

Guys, guys.

Your president, he doesn't like the gays and he doesn't like daylight savings. He got rid of it last year.

Yes? Correct? Yes? Yes! Thank you. Yes. OK?

So I'm sure that we've taken it into account but can we please just check it, the way that their code speaks to ours?

Because otherwise the secondary engine ignition will be about an hour late, or an hour early, whatever the f*ck Daylight Savings Time is.

Scotty, where have you been?

No! Not now. I'm busy.

There, right there.

Shit, you were right.

OK, people, we need to rewrite this interface now!

( Clamour )

OK, so the boat is the Earth and that naughty comet, all right?

Yeah, and I'm Operation Saviour.

Oh, really?

Well, I bet you can't save the world.


Yes my real name was Hawkwind. I grew up on the commune with Ariel.

I hated it so I ran away with him as soon as I could.

And... stupidly married him.

I was only 18.

I thought I was in love but I was young and lonely and I wanted to belong somewhere.

If you're looking for sympathy...

No, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm just trying to help you understand how I could have f*cked up so spectacularly.

Ariel had a real chip on his shoulder about you because your mum was always going on about how special you were and it made him feel like shit.


So he invented a computer game...

... called Doofus.

You were the main character in it.

I don't understand.

He hacked everything without you realising.

Your whole life, so credit records, e-mails, he fiddled with everything to mess it up. Like what?

Like screwing with your exam results.

So you could have gone to university.

Those rejection letters were all Ariel.

And you knew?

I was young and stupid, and I never thought of you as a real person with feelings.

And then one day, we were talking about how you had never had a girlfriend.

So you invented one for me?



We set up a meet cute.

I got in the lift with you and Ariel hacked it, made it break down for a few hours. But when I met you, you were so lovely, and the joke wasn't funny any more, because everything about you... was so genuine.

And being Layla felt so much better than being Hawkwind.

So I split up with Ariel and I fooled myself.

I thought Doofus was over, and I thought I could just be with you and be happy and just be Layla.

And then?

And then he showed up on our honeymoon.

Said he'd been biding his time, but that sooner or later, we'd be punished.

And he was scary. Like, eyes bulgy, proper psycho.

And to add to everything, I'd just found out I was pregnant.

And I panicked.

I... I thought if I just disappeared...

IN TEARS: I could protect the baby from him and protect you.

Everything was a lie.

No. No, everything started as a lie, but we turned into something real.

Cos I did love you, Jamie.

And when we said our wedding vows, I meant every word.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Funny, cos you were the worst.

I want details.

And I don't care if it takes all night, you are going to tell me everything.

( Frankie laughs )

T minus 1 minute.

(Distant): Umbilical purge to open.

Hey, Scotty, everyone's looking for you. You were right!

What you did... you gave us a chance, Scotty.

Well, come on. It's about to launch, and you are the hero of the hour!


What is it?

I had to sell out my own sister.

(Distant): Umbilical release, primed. Pressure levels, OK.

( He sobs )

(Distant): Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Trajectory is good. Thrust is good.

Saviour is in the air. Repeat, Saviour is in the air.

( Laughter )

Jude, you hold on so tight!

Because you're a terrible driver!

( Sound of cheering crowd )

It's the Saviour launch. I forgot all about it.

( They cheer )

We missed it.

Looks like we're camping out tonight.


I know this is going to sound crazy.

Do you remember in Poland, your granddaughter?

She told me one day I was going to see four horses.

A white, a black, a red and a pale.

Look, it's a sign!

It is a sign.

It's a billboard.

Celine, do you really think the Lord would be communicating to us using the medium of...

... outside advertising?

Well, why not?

What if it is a sign, giving us his blessing?

For what?

For the wedding.

That wasn't real.

You kissed me, Jude.

It was not acting.

It wasn't.

Was it?

I wasn't acting.

I think about you all the time.

But Celine, I've been a priest for 20 years.

I've never broken my vows.

And I don't think you should either.

What if God wants us to?

What if that is a sign?

I'm afraid it's probably wishful thinking.

Why don't you ask him?

Right now?

Dear Lord.

Dear Lord, I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but if this is what you want, please show me a sign.

( Boom )

( Cheering )

( Fireworks explode )

( Car horns beep )

OK, my logical mind says that that probably has something to do with the Saviour launch celebration.

Yes, maybe.

But maybe it's God.

What do you want it to be, Jude?

Told you we'd meet again.

My husband is dying.

Couldn't have given me one minute with him?


McNeil, you are coming with us.

What the hell's going on? Whoa, what?

Marine Corps Intelligence, ma'am. We have orders to debrief her.

I arrested her. She is my prisoner!

She'll be returned to you once the interview is complete.


I want you to see this.

I don't care about the launch.

Just trust me, OK?

This is streaming live.

I couldn't change the outcome, but I did make sure they got a chance to say goodbye.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know.

Try not to argue in front of Frankie, I suppose.

I guess I should demand alternate weekends with her, but there's only one more of those before the apocalypse.

Seven years.

All it would have taken was one message, just to put me out of my misery.


No, I told you, I couldn't risk Ariel finding us.

Please, Jamie, we've been up all night.

Let's just get some sleep before we do more, OK?

Why were you with him in Moscow a few weeks ago?

I saw there was a reward out on him.

I was sick of never having any money for Frankie, so I called the police and they set up a trap for him with me as the bait, only it all went to...



Mate, can you hear me?

She's gone! Frankie's gone!

Mate... No, no, it's OK. What happened?

Your brother.

Good news, Grandma. I've got your little donor.

All five pints of her.

'Wonderful. Bring her here.'

Yeah, you know what? I'm not going to do that.

I'm keeping her as an insurance policy.

Oh, and by the way, I had to get rid of your little Irish lapdog.

'What have you done to her?'

She'll live.

Which is more than I would have, right?

'I don't know what you mean.'

Yes, you do, Grandma.

You were going to get rid of me the moment I got you the girl.

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we're doing things my way now.

You don't get the girl until the very last minute when I'm safely inside the bunker. Am I clear?


Good. Oh, and one other thing...

I'm going to need a plus one in the bunker.

The wife's coming too.

THAT is how you negotiate.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Hey, don't look so scared.

I'm just like your dad, only cooler.

Me, you and your mum are going to be a family.

We're going to be together for the rest of our lives.

Everything's going to be fine.

We're going to be happy... forever.

Jamie, look.

We need to talk. Now!

The state will seek the death penalty for you.

All right!

( They chuckle )

What is going on here? I've never seen these two before.

So shall we get on with it?

Where's Frankie?
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