06x05 - Nice Capades

[bunniefuu]

Ugh. That guy can't still be using the massage chair.

He knows we're waiting.

We have to meet Mom in five minutes.

It's now or never for our chair massage.

We all know we're not gonna buy the chair, but we take turns pretending we're gonna buy the chair.

All right, sir, let's push it along.

Other people want to use the chair.

You know w... Listen, I've got to get back to work in about a minute, and I've just got to work out this knot that's right here.

Uh-huh... It's just, you know, it's mall etiquette to share the chair.

I'm almost done.

Okay, well, it seems like you're real relaxed.

Well, I was.

Why don't we make it even more relaxing?

We can crank up this white noise machine for you.

You like gentle rain?

(static humming)

Uh-oh! Not so gentle.

More like a tropical storm.

Oh, what's jungle sounds?

(birds chirp, insects hum)

Caw, caw!

Uh-oh. Tidal wave!

(imitates foghorn) That's a foghorn.

Okay, okay, I'm getting up.

What? So soon? I hope not because of us.

You know, if I were a kid, I wouldn't be acting the least bit naughty this close to Christmas. Oh...

Well, you're not a kid. You're a...

Whoa. Mm-hmm.

I'm Santa. You just kicked Santa out of a massage chair.

Isn't that a song?

Umm, you're not Santa.

You're a mall Santa. I'm assuming.

Yes, but as mall Santa, I'm required to report on good and bad behavior.

And it all goes back to headquarters... you know, if you get my gist.

To Santa-Santa. Mm-hmm.

(exhales) Okay.

Seems unlikely.

Plus, you don't even know our names.

Yeah, we didn't tell you that we were the Belchers.

Yeah. Guys!

Well, just try and be nice, Belchers. Merry Christmas.

Geez. Way to make us feel bad about kicking a guy out of a massage chair.

Ah, I feel better.

(chair humming)

Christmas morning, Christmas morning, Christmas morning!

Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents!

A letter from Santa?

I thought Santa letters were kind of one-way, but all right.

Read it already, damn it.

"Dear Tina, Gene, and Louise. Per mall Santa number 5748's account of the Massage Chair Incident, you have all been placed on the naughty list and will not be receiving any presents this year. Ho, ho, ho, Santa." What?

Coal?! I got coal, too!

Maybe it's fool's coal? It's not fool's coal!

Ho, ho, ho.

All: No!

No!

Santa doesn't really give coal, does he?

You had a bad dream, sweetie. It's okay.

Have some eggs. Eat your eggs, come on.

I'll eat her eggs. Crap, I already ate her eggs.

I mean, Santa knows when you're sleeping.

He knows when you're awake. I get that.

He's got some kind of sensor somewhere.

But I never imagined he'd use mall Santas as his eyes and ears. It's brilliant.

We are so screwed.

Louise, it'll be okay.

I'm sure you'll all get presents this year.

Are you, Dad? Are you so sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I'm sorry, all of sudden you're a Santa expert?

Did Santa grant you an exclusive interview you never told us about?

Did you intern in the North Pole as an undergrad?

That's not how... You know what?

For... Just forget it.

Guys, we can't not have presents.

We got to smooth things over with that mall Santa and fast.

("Good King Wenceslas" plays over speakers)

Hello, kids.

Belchers, wasn't it?

Yes. Hi.

Look, I think everyone was disappointed with how things shook out yesterday, right?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

We provided some ambiance that might have been misinterpreted as annoying, you threw some major attitude.

And if someone would have just gotten out of a massage chair earlier, we wouldn't even be here.

Oh, so you're worried about being on the naughty list.

I'm not worried.

I've been great this year.

I'm worried that you're worried.

Everyone squeeze together and say "cheese log."

Cheese log. Cheese log.

No, we don't need a picture.

We just need a couple more...

Wait, you don't want a picture with Santa?

We're almost done.

Guys, I'm gonna have to move you along.

Gene: Hey!

Louise: Huh?

Wait, wait, wait! Wait.

Louise: Okeydokey.

I'm gonna get to the back of the line!

I'll see you in 40 minutes.

Hi.

Hi.

(chuckles) We got, uh, cut off before.

What do you say to a little snack?

There's a crazy rumor going around that you folks like milk and cookies.

(laughs) There sure is, Gene.

So maybe while you're enjoying these, which are in no way an admission of our guilt, just something nice that we're doing for you, you forget to tell Santa-Santa a thing or two, eh?

Are you trying to bribe us?

(laughs) No.

Absolutely not.

Tina, milk.

Aah! Oh!

Oh! Soak it up with cookies!

Soak it up with cookies! Come on!

We need security at Santa's Village. Code Blitzen.

Code Blitzen.

No code Blitzen, no code Blitzen!

Bob: Louise, it's okay.

It's gonna be fine.

Santa stopped giving you presents ages ago.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

You really don't, Bob. Thanks, Teddy.

It's Christmas Eve. Santa's sled is gonna launch in seven hours.

How are we supposed to convince mall Santa that we deserve to be on the nice list if we're banned from Santa's Village?

We could write down all the nice things we've done this year and read it to him from outside the village in our best public speaking voices.

Okay, there might be something there.

We could scratch an apology into the ice in the skating rink. He sits across from it.

He couldn't miss it.

The Rinky Dink. Of course.

Guys. We got to do an ice show, huh?

Ice show? Ooh, Ice Capades.

All: Yes.

(whoops)

Uh, you really don't need to do an Ice Capades.

Dad, you want to ruin Christmas?

I-I... I don't.

You know, I followed the Ice Capades for a season.

Like a lot of young guys trying to find themselves.

We'll do a little Ice Capading about how good we've been.

And that's what Santa-Santa will hear about.

Hold on. We could call it Nice Capades.

Yeah. Nice Capades. Love it.

Oh, my God.

♪ Nothin' better than Nice Capades ♪
♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪

Or Mice Capades.

No, no.

Spice Parade Capades.

Oh wait, uh, Heidi Fleiss Capades.

Okay, so, no problem, we just need to put on a full-scale Ice Capades with singing and dancing tonight.

And costumes. I mean, that's a lot to do, but it's not like too much, right?

Hard to tell, hard to tell.

Merry Christmas Eve Day.

I got you something, Bob.

Um, o-okay. Uh, thanks.

Aw. Well, open it. Oh, no.

You've never received a gift before.

You don't know what to do.

No, I-I know how to... I know what to do.

Just rip it open with your weird grizzly hands, Dad.

I don't think Dad's weird grizzly hands are that weird.

It's just got a lot of tape on it.

A box of envelopes?

Right! It's for putting your rent checks in.

I thought perhaps that's what was holding you back?

Oh. Uh, n-no.

It's the stuff that goes in them. The money.

Hey, uh, Mr. Fischoeder.

You don't happen to own the mall, do you?

Own the mall? No.

Damn it.

I own a minority share of a holding company that owns the debt of the mall.

Why do you ask? Do you wish to buy it?

Uh, no, but you know that little ice rink across from Santa's Village? The Rinky Dink.

Know it? I named it.

I named it after my dink. It's very rinky. Hmm.

Well, we need to borrow the rink to put on a little show tonight to impress mall Santa.

Oh, not a little show. A big show.

Oh. With singing and dancing and skating and lights and skating.

And music by this mammajamma.

I suppose, uh, I could talk someone into letting you use the Rinky Dink for, say, the last half hour that the mall's open.

Oh, baby! Yes!

I'll give it to you for a song.

As in, I get to perform a song.

You get three minutes.

I need five.

We'll k*ll the mic after four, and I'm not joking.

Deal. And my brother Felix will accompany me.

Oh, like a duet?

Uh... no.

I'll sing and he'll ice-dance.

Question: How provocative can he be? PG-13.

I'll rein him in. See you tonight.

All right, we got our ice time and one ice skater-dancer.

You know, if you need more skaters, there's some guys on my hockey team that could help out.

On Christmas Eve?

It's a Jewish hockey league.

We're the Mighty Schmucks.

Don't tell 'em I'm not Jewish.

Great. Gene, how's the music coming?

Have not started. Started.

Good stuff.

Tina... lyrics.

You did some nice things this year. What you got?

Well, over the summer, I found a horseshoe crab that was stuck on its back.

I flipped it over, and it went back into the ocean.

Someday when you need help, you're gonna get it, and it's gonna be that crab.

I know.

Yeah, that's a sweet thing you did, but it's not nearly enough.

It's not?

No.

We got to wow the beard off that mall Santa.

We got to ratchet this thing up.

Like ratchet it up how?

Like: You didn't just plop the thing back into the ocean, you... adopted it, huh?

And raised it as your own.

But that's not the truth.

Screw the truth.

I mean, the whole truth is that I kind of kicked it back into the ocean. Its leg came off.

We can spin that. Gene, how about you?

Well, one time at school on taco day... which I don't have to tell you is like having a birthday once a week...

I let Regular-Sized Rudy have the last taco.

And I had to eat b*rned chicken nuggets.

Wait, don't you love burnt chicken nuggets?

That's not the point.

Ugh, it's nice, but not nice-list nice.

There are no presents if we don't make a big splash here, people.

And I don't know about you, but I asked Santa for something big this year.

Big.

Well, what are you gonna sing about, Louise?

I got lots of stuff.

You do?

I do. I mean, I will. Some of the nicest stuff anyone's ever done is what I'm gonna sing about.

I'm pretty sure there's a preset on here for 30-minute Ice Capades show.

(farting sounds) No. No. Hmm.

Here comes trouble.

Oh, brother.

Hi. Uh, my wife sent me here for costume supplies.

I'm glad you're still open. I just need a few things.

You hear that, Harold? He just needs a few things.

Oh, don't we all.

Okay, um, do you have fabric glue?

(laughs) Do we? I forget.

And purple felt?

(Harold muttering)

And orange felt and yellow felt.

Oh, sure, we've got those things, but it's gonna cost you.

Right, uh, well, that makes sense, because I'm the customer.

No. Because it's Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve, we jack the prices way up.

We jack 'em to the moon.

Why are you advertising that?

Also, please don't jack the prices...

To the moon, Chubs!

And there's nothing you can do about it, because it's Christmas Eve, and you need felt.

Oh, my God.

You know, we're having a hell of an after-Christmas felt sale.

Tell him about it!

(laughing): But you can't wait till then, can you, Chubs?

No, I can't! You know I can't wait till then!

I really wish we had another art supply store in town.

♪ ♪

Louise: Hey, I just want to thank everyone for coming out on your Christmas Eves.

No problem for me. Coming off a hell of a Hanukkah, right, guys?

Great. Now, let's go out there and convince that judgy red man that the Belchers are good kids.

Are we all ready?

Almost. I'm not fully squeezed into my...

(French pronunciation): Ensemble.

(zippering) Okeydokey.

Okay, we've got to be ready now.

Um, Louise?

Tina, what?!

I'm not exactly comfortable with the whole lying part.

Yeah, I mean, we didn't really do the stuff we're gonna sing we did.

Do you want presents or what? Huh?

No, we do.

Right. Right.

That's what I thought.

Cue the music. Lights!

(lights clack on)

Oh, it's starting!

Who's doing the lights?

Couple of Schmucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Nice Capades:

An evening of warm and generous acts.

And a warm-up act... the Brothers Fischoeder.

Give it up for them.

(piano plays upbeat intro)

Thank you!

(light applause)

Here's, uh, one of my favorite Christmas classics.

♪ When the last present's delivered ♪
♪ And the snow outside's gettin' thicker ♪
♪ So let's open that bottle of liquor ♪
♪ Hey, bourbon, take me home ♪
♪ On bourbon, on vodka, on scotch and on gin ♪
♪ Take me back ♪
♪ Let the North Pole dancing begin ♪
♪ It's my party... ♪

(humming) Felix? I told you no!

All right, get your game faces on, people.

Um, Louise?

'Cause we are gonna rock this mall Santa's world.

Um... Rock it hard.

Uh... Louise?

What?!

Mall Santa's gone.

Louise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Where's Santa?!

Where the hell is he?!

As you can see by the sign, Santa's gonna be right back.

We... need him! Now!

He... will... be... back!

Uh, what's going on here?

This unhelpful elf knows where mall Santa is, but she's keeping her elfin' trap shut!

Louise, calm down.

Look, he had to attend to some personal business.

Okay, Santa's pooping.

No, he's...

Everyone poops, even Santa.

Santa's not pooping.

He's shopping, okay?

But the mall closes in 20 minutes.

He's got to see our show, or we don't get presents.

Louise, stay here in case he comes back.

Bob, we need to find Santa.

Right. Yup.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's all for us. (applause)

No, no, no, we want a big happy crowd for when mall Santa comes back.

Louise: Stretch. And now...

Oh. What is... this?

Stretch. Stretch it out.

What is... stretch? What?

Ooh, okay. Um...

So, uh... where's everybody from?

Hmm? You, where are you from?

Say somewhere good, someplace funny.

Say... Nantucket.

Oh, Calvin, you've never been good at crowd work. You... where'd you get that hat? Your mom?

(airy laugh)

(squeaky cough)

That's how you do crowd work.

Santa. Santa!

Yeah. Yeah.

We found you.

We need you.

Ooh, fudge!

Um, I kind of stopped doing ironic pictures with grown-ups.

My lap is not as strong as it used to be.

Nothing personal.

Drrr... umroll, please.

(drum machine plays rapid percussion)

(grunting)

(rim sh*t)

Hey, how about that? Hmm?

Anyone can make it look easy, but he makes it look hard!

Come on, Mom and Dad.

Bring back that rent-a-beard!

Sounds like your kids have put in a lot of work.

So will you come with us now?

You know, it's just that I have so much more shopping to do.

I have to get something for my nephew.

Oh, Bob could get something for your nephew.

I could?

That would be great.

It would?

All right, come on, let's go, Santa.

Wait. What's he into?

Your nephew.

You know. Regular... nephew stuff.

Well, so, like, is he into sports, or... or board games, uh, calendars?

Did you say, was he into calendars?

I did. Yeah.

I don't know.

No one's into calendars.

I just couldn't think of anything else.

I'll do better. Don't worry. I'll get him something good.

So the nurse says, "Rectum? I damn near k*lled him!"

Well, those are all the clean jokes I know.

He's here! We got the big man!

Yes! He is here, people!

Okay, let's do this!

No! You're-you're closing early!

I-I'm shopping for Santa!

Crap.

(piano plays flourish)

Hello. This year was a banner year for us Belcher kids.

We did so many nice things.

Too many to list, so we're going to sing them to you.

Take it away, Gene, my brother.

(light applause)

I did a bunch of nice things this year.

But one in particular comes to mind.

♪ Taco Tuesday was the day at school ♪
♪ A day that always makes me drool ♪
♪ But when only one taco was left ♪
♪ I said "Rudy, friend, you take the rest" ♪
♪ But the only thing left to eat ♪
♪ Was nuggets from the deep, deep freeze ♪

And then those reheated evil nuggets got mad and turned into an angry tornado!

Oh!

(quietly): I made those nugget costumes.

I made 'em a few hours ago. It's no big deal.

So I did what I had to do to save the world.

♪ I ate the nuggets, I ate the evil nuggets, yeah! ♪
♪ I ate the nuggets, the evil, evil nuggets, yeah! ♪

So that's something nice I did.

And now I'm gonna hand it off to my handsome sister, Tina.

(applause)

Don't look at the bag. It's not calendars, but if it is, they're great... calendars.

♪ I kissed my family on all of their cheeks ♪
♪ Then I took a little walk along the beach ♪
♪ A horseshoe crab was on its back ♪
♪ Nearly having a heart att*ck ♪
♪ I didn't kick it ♪
♪ I gently nudged it back into the sea ♪
♪ I didn't kick it ♪
♪ It had all the right number of legs when I left it, yeah ♪

The end.

(Louise clears throat)

Oh, right. ♪ And then I took it home and fed it ♪
♪ And took care of it and then it went to college and now ♪
♪ It's a celebrity chef with all its legs. ♪ Good night.

(applause) Lin, this is not going very...

Breathtaking. It's just breathtaking.

Yup. Right. Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

And now enjoy the stylings of my super nice sister, Louise.

(piano plays flourish)

(quietly): Nice job, Tina.

I think he bought it.

I'm just glad it's over.

I feel dirty.

That's the spirit.

Thank you. Oh.

♪ I did so many nice things I can barely count 'em ♪
♪ I regrew the rain forest, and lost puppies I found 'em ♪
♪ I gave blankets to cold kids and ice cream to warm kids ♪
♪ Shoes to the shoeless, hair to the hairless ♪
♪ But the nicest thing I did all year... ♪
♪ Uh... nicest thing I did... I... ♪
♪ The nicest thing I did... I... ♪

I... I... I can't do this.

(grunting)

What? What are we doing?

Do I still spin around? What do I do? Oy gevalt.

Louise, what's going on?

I can't do it.

You were right. We shouldn't have lied.

Yeah, but I didn't know stopping was an option.

Hey, listen, you got to tell Santa-Santa to bring Gene and Tina presents tomorrow.

They're good kids.

And I don't belong on the nice list.

I mean, a nice person doesn't put on a Nice Capades.

They wouldn't need to.

They would just call it "Capades."

All right, show's over, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Linda: No!

No, no!

Louise, wait.

You're a nice person, Louise.

You do belong on the nice list.

Sing it, Bob.

(microphone feedback squeals)

Um, I...

Wait, hold on. I want to say something else to you, Louise.

You think you're a tough cookie, but you're really just as soft as the rest of us, maybe softer.

Yeah. You do nice stuff all the time, but you don't even realize it.

Like... your constructive criticisms of my secret diary entries are really helpful.

♪ You read her diary ♪
♪ And tell the rest of us the juicy stuff ♪
♪ So we don't have to read it ♪
♪ Keeps our hands clean, oh, yes, it does ♪

And, Louise, I know you don't like watching The Weather Channel, but you sit and watch it with me anyway, so...

♪ Oh, she gets bored of forecasts and more forecasts ♪
♪ I don't know why you watch that, Bob, she's bored ♪

When we were walking to school, you told me I should put away my penis before we got to school, and I did.

♪ You told him to put away his penis ♪
♪ And that was pretty cool. ♪

That's nice of you all to say, but it's not gonna matter.

You know, I'm turning in my report tonight.

(sighing): Yeah. I know.

And I want to tell you, this was amazing, what you did here.

You know, you may care about what Santa thinks of you, but I think you care more about what you think of you.

And I'm gonna say that you're a leader who really thinks hard about right and wrong.

And you know what, sweetie?

The world needs people like you.

Really?

And some tough-looking security guys are motioning for me to wrap it up.

It's best to listen to them.

So, Louise, what do you want for Christmas?

What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?

A pet shark.

Uh, okay, I'm gonna recommend the shark. Yes!

Uh... eh...

But just in case, do you have a backup?

Nope.

Well, y...

(lights clunk off) And they shut off the lights.

So, I guess we'll just make our way to the wall and feel our way out.

Tina: Everyone grab hold of Dad. He'll pull us.

Bob: What? No. No.

Gene: Pull us to Christmas!

(thudding)

All: Aah!

Linda: Ow! My fudge!

Louise: You know, getting presents is nice, but it's not what Christmas is about, right?

Look. There's one more for Louise.

Give me! Give me! Give me!

"A special present for a special kid. Santa." Aw.

A goldfish?

It is a goldfish.

Look at that!

Way better than a shark.

Very funny, Santa-Santa! Ha, ha!

You're hilarious!

I get it. I get it.

You got to be ten to get a shark? Is that it?

Okay, I can wait.

Starter shark. Love it.

Next year, though, I want a great white under the tree.

Did you hear that? I think I just heard him say, "No way."

Shh, shh. Dad, you don't know anything about Santa.

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪
♪ Oh, bourbon ♪
♪ Oh, bourbon, oh, bourbon, oh, bourbon ♪
♪ Oh... bourbon ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Everybody now.

♪ Oh, bourbon ♪
♪ Oh, bourbon ♪

Come on, now. Let's hear it.

♪ Oh... bourbon! ♪

Yeah. Give me another one.

Okay.

♪ Oh, bourbon, bourbon ♪
♪ Bourbon, bourbon, bourbon, bourbon, bour... ♪