01x10 - Episode Ten

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x10 - Episode Ten

Post by bunniefuu »

It is with great regret that I must inform you that Operation Saviour did in fact fail.

Jamie is the son of God.

Ever since waking up, I hear this voice.

It says I have to give you a message.

Armageddon is tomorrow. Your mother has a bunker.

She wants to save your life, so let's go.

I've watched you for so long.

I know how you talk, how you move.

How you think.

( g*n )

See that?

That's the end of life as we know it.

Yeah, it's the end of the world... the actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

I'm deep under the suburbs of suburbia, watching it on telly.

TV: One minute now. One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble...

A few minutes ago, I was a d*ad man.


Now I don't know what I am.

It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye.

Yeah, it's been quite a morning so far.

Faster, put your foot down!

Quit telling me how to drive.

God, Scotty, I'm so sorry. Just hold on.

Everything's going to be OK.

( Tyres screech )

OK, we lost them.

Go left.

I said go left!

Go left?! There ain't no left.

It's a fence! Are you blind?

Go left, that's an order!

Don't you be taking that tone of voice with me.

Please go left, ma'am, so that I can save the life of everyone in this vehicle.

Oh, well, gee, since you asked so nice(!)

Thank you so much.

OK, that's us.

Where the hell are we going?


England? Why England?

There's a bunker.



I don't understand. Mum's d*ad.

We'd almost given up on you.

Oh, crap, is he going to make it?

Yeah, now let's get going.

I got you, buddy.

Cutting it bloody fine. It's a seven-and-a-half-hour flight.

Well, fly us, then.

Come on.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, am I dreaming?!

Oh, my boys!

Oh, I don't know why this is happening but I'm so glad that it is.

OK, guys, buckle up.

I always promised to take you to Europe one day.

Well, ta-da!

Oh, yeah, you're such a romantic!

Guess what, we're staying in a hole in the ground.

There's no natural light and your mother is going to be there.


Yeah, my mother.

The one who k*lled my father and then d*ed in a plane crash.

That won't be weird at all.

You know what? I don't care.

I'm just so happy to see you both.

So, the final day dawns over Britain. The sun will rise...

In ancient Egypt, when a pharaoh d*ed they buried his servants with him.

So they could serve him in the afterlife.

( Beeping )


Your pressure is through the roof. You need to relax.

They will get here.

Relax? How can I relax?

If they don't get here in time, this will be my mausoleum.

How long?

How long will I last without new blood?

( Banging, muffled ): Help! Where am I?!

The sedative must have worn off.

( Banging continues )

Frankie, wake up.

Go and find your grandmother.


She's at the church.


You'll need her help.

( Tv chatter )

The failed Saviour blast created a huge amount of debris, so the final hour will see a meteor shower on an unprecedented scale.

Where's Jamie?

He said he'd be here.

I'm sure he's on his way.

At least she turned up.

Oh, bloody hell. You're a bit happy.


OK, this is going to sound crazy.

But last night I was very drunk in the toilet of the pub and I had the most incredible experience.



God came to me. She was wonderful.

There is nothing to be scared of.

We will all go to heaven and I'm going to see Jude again.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Bit bonkers and emotionally vulnerable.

Perfect woman.


Oh, can you hang on a bit? I'm just waiting for my son.

Sorry, now or never.

( He screams )

Blah-de-blah-de-blah, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.



There's no time for kissing.

We have to go to the bank.

What are you on about?

The voice said I have to get you to go to Daddy's bank.

I don't know why.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So, we're seriously doing everything this voice is telling us?

What if it's Jamie?

What if something's happened to him?

We can't just steal a car!

Whoa, have I become the voice of reason now?

Marriage has changed me.

Get in the car, David.

Yes, dear.

You're just a jumped up bit of tree, aren't you?

I've spent my whole working life looking after you.

And when push comes to shove...

... what use are you?

Is somebody there?



Yes! Yes!

Go... to...

Go to the computer.


The spreadsheet is called "vault codes."

Yeah, "bank vault codes." On it.

And the password is Dave...


... has a...

... has a...

... tiny...

(HE SIGHS) ... tiny...

... winkie.

Dave has a tiny winkie!

We could just leave him in there.


Dave! Oh, God, I'm so pleased to see you!


I thought I was going to die here.

And I thought I was going to lose my baby.

What happened?

My brother, he's pretending to be me. He's got Layla and Frankie.

Oh... No, Frankie is with us.

Thank God!

We still need to get Layla though.

See, there's this bunker. We can all survive if we...

Why are you dressed like that?

We told you last ni...

Hold on.

Was that your brother?


I mean, he was good. Very, very convincing.

Thanks, Mum, that's really helpful(!)

Seriously, why?

Well, we've got some news... son.

Why aren't you scared?

There is nothing to be scared of.

It's going to be wonderful.

We will all wake up in heaven and I'm going to be with Jude again.

Jude doesn't want to see you.

Why do you say that?

It's true.

He says he wants you to live.

He wants you to look after the baby in your tummy.

Why don't you believe me?

Because it's impossible. I can't be pregnant.

Why not?

Because the doctor said I can't have children.

My tummy doesn't work well. I cannot make any eggs.

Oh, we had a chicken like you once.

So Mum cut its head off and we ate it.

What's that?

Um... It's a baby stick.

I have to peepee on it.

Ew! That's disgusting.





Great news! We were worried sick.

Listen, just keep her there.

We're coming straight away.

My grandma found Frankie.

Oh, God, really?!


I don't know.

Apparently she just ran into the bunker a few minutes ago.

The point is, she's safe. OK?

I don't understand.

Frankie doesn't know where the bunker is.

Maybe the voice in her head told her where it was.


What does it matter?

Let's just get in the car and go be a family.

I love you.

Oh, I love you!

Paula: Cheer up.

We'll all go and find Layla and then we can all live happily ever after.

Yeah, with him as my stepdad.

Yeah, love you too, Junior.

So, this is us.

From now on, we drive in style.

Where are they?

You said they were waiting in the car.

Oh, for God's sake!

30 minutes till we land, folks.

Hey, I wanted to say...

Thank you.

I appreciate you getting me out back there.

I'm sorry your friend got hurt.

Now, let's get one thing straight.

I didn't get you out, Rhonda did.

I'd have left you to rot.

Because I've spent my life fighting everything that symbol stands for.

You know what you are? A dinosaur.

You know what happened to dinosaurs last time round?

They got wiped out by an asteroid.

Stay away from me.

Somebody's having her time of the month.

Don't ever say that.

I'm serious. If I'm slowing you down, leave me.

Save yourself. I'm dying anyway.

You have a one in five chance.


I had a one in five chance.

But that was with treatment.

Well, there's a doctor in the bunker. That lady told you.

Rhonda, please be reasonable.

f*ck reasonable!

You think reasonable is why we're all together now?

You think Leanne's reasonable?

Or my mum, whatever the hell her story is?

You think it's reasonable?

They're survivors. We should be more like them.



(It's OK.)

Stay calm.

This is what you wanted.

You can just not look.

Then you will never know.

Help me!



We're running out of time.

Maybe we should split up, cover more ground.

No! It's splitting up that caused the problem in the first place.



Oh, thank God. You're safe!

You had me so scared.

You mustn't run off like that. Where's Celine?

She's in there.

I don't mean to sound heartless, but we haven't got time.

Either we rescue Celine or... or we go and find Layla, but we can't do both.

Listen, we don't even know if she's still alive.

I beg you, help!

Help me!

Please, help me!

I'm pregnant. I want to live.

Celine, it's Jamie! We're coming.

Jamie, is that you?

Oh, it's a miracle. You're my angel, Jamie.

Dad, after this we're going to get Mum, aren't we?

Everything's going to be fine, I promise.

I ain't no expert, but this don't look too good.

This don't look too good, folks.

Arnie, our promise...

It still stands, right?

I don't want to go in that bunker.

Me neither.

But you said you'd be with me at the end. Right?

Now, we promised your sister that we'd take her to that bunker, and I keep my promises.

You've got to hang on...

( expl*si*n )

We're going down! We're going down!

Everybody, strap yourselves in. Now!

We tried, didn't we?

Yeah, we tried.

Leanne: I ain't a coward. I'll meet my maker with my head held high.

Please... Help us! Help us.


Scotty, can you hear me?

Scotty, I think this is it.

But whatever happens, I'll be by your side.

And I'm happy about that.

I'm happy we're going to... be together.

Can a dinosaur do that?

I'm changing.

So you can suck it.
Well, what are you waiting for? Let's get your wife out.

So, this is England?

It's pretty.

You know, aside from the rocks falling out of the sky.


Spike, are you OK?

( He screams )

Dad, if Dave is married to Grandma, does that mean he's my grandpa?



( He mouths )

Hang on, I thought the bunker was back there.

Jamie, no.

No, we are not going to Windsor.

Just a few minutes. OK?

I at least have to try to find her.

Larsson: We have to run right now.

The bunker is still two miles away.

Honey, she's right.

Anyone who can't run gets left behind.

I'm not going to make it. Go, please.

No, I said I won't let you go. Ever.

And if you're not willing to fight, then I guess I'll just have to surrender. Is that what you want?

What are you doing?

I don't have time for this.

Rhonda, I don't give a monkey about the others.

But you and Spike are coming to the bunker now. Now move!

Oh, not so fast, munchkin land. You know what?

I've got a question for you, because something seems real funky to me.

I'd like to know why you're so hot and bothered to get Rhonda and her son into that bunker. Hmm?


Give me one good reason why I shouldn't k*ll you.

Because I'm the only one who knows where the bunker is, you moron.

You know, that's a real good reason.

( Vehicle approaches )


Get out of the way!

Sir, do you have any possible means of survival?

Of course not. Out of the way.

OK, then I need this truck more than you do.

So get out of the car and give me the keys.

Piss off.

I'm very sorry.

But I do need this truck.

And I did ask nicely.

Now, get out and give me the keys.

I said get out.

Or what?

( He revs the engine )

Sir, I don't have time for this. I'm not joking.

Get out of the truck!

Give me the truck!

( She sh**t )

He was going to die anyway. Right?

In a few minutes.

Come on, let's go.

Layla: Where the hell are we?

This brings us back out by the bridge.

Can we...

Can we talk about last night?

About me... not...

Oh, Jamie, we've got bigger things to worry about right now than your erections.

It's really not a problem, sweetheart.

It worked perfectly well every other night, didn't it?

Right, yeah, of course it did. Just...

Last night, it didn't.

I just wouldn't want you thinking less of me, babe.

It'll be fine once we're in the bunker.

I'll be like a completely new man, I promise.


Did you just call me babe?

You hate the word babe.

How did you get a call from your gran?

The network's down.

Ariel used to call me babe.

Everything I've done, I've done because I love you and I want to save you.

The bunker is real and it's your only hope.

I know where it is, you don't.

And Frankie?

We can make another Frankie.

Our daughter, not his.

I love you.

And I know we can make this work.


... I'd rather die.


( They yell )

Come on, Layla, please. Please, please.

Jamie, love.

We need to go back.

It's over.

You've got to think about Frankie.

It's time to let Layla go.

Dad, why aren't we moving?

We're going to the bunker.

Dad, I don't understand.

What are you doing?

She's there!

Mummy, run!


Rajesh, honey, please look at me.

He was going to die anyway, right?

I thought it was kind of bad ass.

Don't say that!

He didn't mean that.

Leanne and Arnie: If you hadn't have done it, I would have.

Well, General, looks like you and me have a few similarities.

Yes, we made it! Up yours, universe.

We are going to survive!

(No... )


Is there another bridge?

Not for miles.

We wouldn't get there in time.

Is anyone good at swimming?

Not even doggy paddle.

I can swim with armbands.

But I forgot my armbands.

Well, that's that, then.

At least we're all together, eh?


No, this is not happening.

I'm not dying here, within sight of where I need to be!

It's there! Right there!


Thames... get out of my way.

Get out of my f*cking way!

I... command you!

I command you.

I command you!

I command you.


Please, get out of my way.


... don't be there any more.

(Please, just get out of the way!)

( Jamie sobs )




That wasn't very dignified, was it?

Where's that stiff upper lip when you need it?


Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Wait, Rhonda. Rhonda!

Good luck in there.

What? You're not coming in?


Are you insane? You came all this way just to give up?

We're not following you inside, right?

Actually, no.

I agree with your sister. Rhonda, give me a hand!

What?! No, Arnie, you promised.

Scotty, you married a fighter.

Did you think I'm going to let you die?

No, no!

Come on!

Shut up, Scotty.

We k*lled people!

( Monkey squeals )

Please tell me that ain't staying.

Let's go.

OK, we're going to get you down here, you're going to be fine.

Then you can rest up.

Come on. Let's go.

Here, get down here.

Hey, hey. I'm doing this because I love you.

Maybe one day you'll forgive me.

Rhonda... is that really you?

All grown up!

I'm so happy you're here.

Give your mum a hug.

A hug?!

You want a hug?

Suddenly you're the touchy-feely type?

You abandoned us.

You k*lled Dad.

You d*ed in a plane crash.

Me and Scotty, we were five. We had nothing.

Eight foster homes in 13 years.

Why? Because we were penniless f*cking orphans, that's why.

Oh, but apparently we weren't.

Apparently, you were alive the whole time and really rich.

Rich enough to have servants and whatever the hell this place is.

You don't get a hug.

No, we're not at hugs yet.

We're still at explaining and shouting.

A rock's h*t the entrance.

We've got a problem, we need some help up here.

This isn't right. This shouldn't be happening.

I'm sure there's perfectly rational, weather-based explanation.

Weird winds or something.

Weird winds?!

It's a miracle, Jamie!

A Charlton blooody Heston type miracle.

You really are the son of God!

Mum, can we not do this now?

My little Scotty, teddy bear.

My God, all that blood. What happened?

I understand you're suspicious of me.

But there's always two sides to every story.

Yeah, OK. But...

I'm really a very caring person.

Yeah, the thing is, your monkey's kind of sticking its finger in my wound.

Malcolm, don't do that.

Bad boy.

Shall Mama give you some num-nums?

Hmm? Shall she?

Come along, then, follow me, little man.

Psst. Hey!

Don't trust the monkey.

The monkey's pure evil.

Please, listen to me!

No! It's not shutting.


What's wrong?

It's jammed. It ain't budging.

( expl*si*n )

Somebody drives that truck into it, that might do it.


Yeah, but how does the driver get back inside?

They don't, hon.

They'd be sacrificing themselves.

I'm going to do it.

I want to do it!

No, I'm dying. I'll do it.


Not you!

And not you!

Hey, come on! Oh...

I'm sorry, but you're not a member of this family.

You're an outsider, you're going to stay outside.

Rhonda. Rhonda, please. Stop.

I'm not letting you go.

Why won't you fight for me?

I am.

I am saving the woman I love.

Don't be Leanne, don't be your mum, be you.

I can't.

Not without you.

Honey, you don't know the pain I'm in.

It's only going to get worse.

If you love me, let me go. Please.

( She sobs )

Spike, get in here.

You have to get in now. Go on.

Mum... Mum!

It's time to go in.

No, no.

Mum, come on. There's no time, we have to go.

We have to.

No! No!


No! No!

( She wails )

( Engine revs )

No, this can't be happening!

Come on!

Yes! Up yours, apocalypse!


I need you to help me.

Jamie, come on. Get in.

They're going to die unless you help me.

The door doesn't lock.

If you want them to live, you have to help me.

Go in, I'm right behind you. I promise.

I need to drive this into the door to lock it, but the truck won't move. See?

( He tries to drive )

I can see it. There's something wedged underneath.

Come on, move!

You must be with Jamie.

Where is he?

Shutting the door.

Oh, and you must be my great-granddaughter.

Aren't you a peach?!

You're weird.

It's clear, that should do it.

OK, go on. Get in there.

What about you?

Just go.


( Engine revs )

Layla: Baby, thank God!

Perfect. They're all here.

Yeah, but now we have too many.

(We don't have enough food and water.)

Give it time.

Then we can dump the peripherals.

Are you OK?

We made it!


Hey, hey!

You son of a bitch, you left me to die.

Oi, oi, oi, back off, face ache.

He's not Ariel, he's the son of God.

I think maybe we're all getting off on the wrong foot here.

Oh, you think?

Ariel's my twin.

But he's d*ad. Gone.

I'm Jamie.

Lovely to meet you.

Well, I'm going to sh**t you, Jamie, how does that sound?

I'd rather you didn't.

And I'm sure we're all going to get to know each other really well.

( Door slams )

Given how, you know, we're stuck together.

TV: One minute now, one minute.

It's time.

Yeah, it's judgment day.

The actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble...

Round my nan's, watching it on telly.

I know what you're thinking.

"Cheer up, you're one of the lucky ones."

My question is, am I?

Please! Please, get me out of here! I mean, have you seen the freaks I'm stuck with?

TV: We've got a live feeds here from Times Square, Beijing and Jerusalem, there.

♪ I can't see me loving nobody but you... ♪

A few minutes ago, I was a d*ad man.

Now, suddenly, I've got a future.

♪ The skies'll be blue ♪
♪ For all my life... ♪

TV: It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye. Thank you all for watching. I hope we'll meet again.

♪ The only one for me is you ♪
♪ And you for me ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ I can't see me loving nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ When you're with me, baby, the skies'll be blue ♪
♪ For all my life... ♪

Mum, don't watch. Please, look at me, Mum. Keep looking at me.

♪ The only one for me is you ♪
♪ And you for me ♪
♪ So happy together... ♪

Open the door, please! It's me! I was helping you! He h*t me, took my clothes. Open the door!

It's too late. It's over.

But I'm Jamie. I'm the real Jamie!

( Music drowns shouts )
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