01x08 - Ashes to Ashes

[bunniefuu]

I just found it [Fisher grunting]

Is that lavender?

[Ash groaning, yelling]

[Deadite Lem and Ash grunting]

You ready to dance?

I'm ready for more than that.

[Fisher grunting]

[Ash panting]

We should get handcuffed together more often.

You wouldn't even know what to do with me.

Ash!

[Door opening]

I made a little somethin' for ya.

His real hand.

What the hell is this doin' here?

You have to bury it deep below the place where your journey began.

Let's go back there, and end it all.

No, you go there, you'd end up possessed, and I would have to cut your heads off, and that would just be bad for everyone.

Where's this big, bad cabin at anyway, Ash?

Ash.

Where'd he go?

[Leaves rustling]

[insects buzzing]

[Eerie music playing]

Sorry, Tweety.

Nothin' survives around here.

[Screeching]

[gasping]

Jeez.

[Wind howling]

Honey, I'm home.

[Suspenseful music playing]

[Sighs]

Linda's voice: Oh Ash, beautiful.

I really love it.

I'll never take it off.

[swing thumping, creaking]

[Swing thumping loudly]

[Sighs]

[Leaves rustling, twig snapping]

[Yells]

Oh, Jesus! I almost blew your head off!

Little on edge, are we?

Where's Pablo and Kelly?

We split up, to look for you.

Good, it's safer away from here.

Why would you just run out like that?

I'm not big on goodbyes.

Ash, you shouldn't do this alone.

I have to do it alone.

Don't you get it? Everybody dies here.

It's just a rule.

Death, taxes, more death, and I don't pay taxes.

So all I know is death.

f*ck the rules.

I'm gonna help you end this.

Lady, I like your style.

[Wind howling]

[door creaking]

[Eerie music playing]

Wow.

Last time I was here with a girl, I was hopin' to get laid.

Didn't quite work out that way.

[Fisher laughs]

I did cut my own hand off with a chainsaw, though.

It was a fun weekend.

Trust me, you would've never gotten laid here.

Ah, it was a little cozier back then.

[Suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

Ash: Bad memory?

That's what this cabin does.

She's a cruel, cruel bitch.

Good.

So am I.

Then let's get to work.

Man's voice: Please Amanda, I need you...

[whispering] to die.

So during my little trip, I had a vision about the book being buried here.

This is where it all started, and that's where it's gonna end.

[Banging]

What's down there?

Bad things.

Doesn't look so bad.

Uh, I wouldn't get too close.

[Roaring]

Need a crowbar, or somethin'.

Ah, there's probably one out in the work shed.

Let's go get it, come on.

Yeah, um...

What?

Just a teeny warning.

There's something out there that you probably shouldn't see.

Worse than everything else I didn't wanna see?

My ex-girlfriend.

[Gasps] Wait, your ex-girlfriend is in the work shed?

Part of her.

It's complicated, maybe I shouldn't go there.

Well, if you don't wanna talk about it...

She got possessed.

I cut her head off with a shovel, then she did this crazy dance in the moonlight, I put her head in a vice, and I cut it with a chainsaw.

She did have a rockin' bod, though.

I'll stay here.

Just, watch that book.

Smart call.

[Floorboards creaking]

[Yells]

[Wind howling]

[Suspenseful music playing]

[mice squeaking]

[Insects buzzing]

[animals howling]

I'm tellin' you, if you gotta pee, you should just pop a squat, 'cause we're lost.

All right, thanks Boy Scout.

Oh, we're goin' in a circle.

[Kelly chuckles]

What, you a professional woodsman now?

Nope. Look.

We're back at the car.

That's a good way to tell.

Brad: What are we doing here?

Melissa: Brad, I think Heather's just getting tired.

Hey.

We should ask them where we're headed.

Should be another cabin back there.

We can go too.

We're totally lost.

Hey!

Heather: Aren't we?

Hello?

You have no idea where we are.

Hey!

[In Australian accent] Well hey there.

[In Australian accent] Hello.

Beautiful night, huh?

Brad...

Uh, mate, mate, we don't want any trouble.

Heather: Yeah, if you wanna rob us, Hmm?

We have no money.

I have pepper spray.

I will sh**t.

Is that a flare g*n?

Oh, uh, uh...

Oh...

[Kelly laughing]

No, no, no.

Uh, it's all right, um, we're the good guys.

These g*ns, they're for evil... bears, evil bears.

There's evil bears in these woods.

We're actually really friendly people.

We are so friendly.

[Kelly chuckles]

[Brad sighing]

Well, can't be too careful, huh?

Bears are a menace.

Listen, we're actually really lost, and we're lookin' for this cabin...

Oh, um, we passed one awhile back.

I wanted to crash there, but uh, Brad here, wanted to push on.

[laughs] Rest is the reward, not the goal.

Please, take me with you.

It was just a couple of miles northeast.

Do you know what? Can you just show us?

'Cause we're directionally challenged.

Um...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we can show you.

[Grunting]

[Motor rumbling]

[light buzzing]

Linda's voice: Please Ash.

Please don't hurt me.

You swore, you swore that we'd always be together.

[eerie music playing]

I love you!

[heavy breathing]

[Ash grunting]

[Boards creaking]

[Light buzzing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Long time no see, Linda.

Don't get up.

Just lookin' for a crowbar.

[Growling]

Oh, no you don't.

[Grunts]

Oh, come on.

[Sighs]

Fisher!

[Pounding on door]

Ash: Amanda!

[clock chiming]

[gasping]

[Growling]

[Screeching]

[Eerie music playing]

[growling continues]

[Gasps]

[Animals howling]

It's hard to see through the trees and the fog, but up there's the Big Dipper.

He proposed to me by the light of the North Star.

That's real romantic.

So are you two together, or...?

Who, me and Pablo?

No.

Huh.

Haven't seen a guy since we started this dumb hike.

Might be nice to have someone to keep me warm for a night or two. [Laughs]

He's got a girlfriend, though.

Oh, of course he does.

Well, maybe I'll find a cute bear.

Yeah, doubt that.

So you go about a half mile down that track, cabin's right there, can't miss it.

Pablo: Good lookin' out, man.

Thanks.

Hey, you know, you guys shouldn't be wanderin' around these woods alone at night.

Oh, we're fine.

We're at one with nature.

Well I mean, we could stay, one night, you know, maybe.

[laughter]

Thanks man, but we're all good, and nice meetin' you guys.

Thank you.

Brad: Take care.

[Heather sighing]

Melissa: Bye.

Can we please stay in a hotel tomorrow?

I hate it out here.

Brad: That's tomorrow, Man, I really hope we live in the now.

That they don't end up dead.

Just be at one with nature.

They have pepper spray.

[Ash pounding on door]

[eerie music playing]

Ash: Amanda!

Amanda!

Ash?

No.

We are not talking.

But I'm better now.

[Ash sighing]

Ash, honey?

Why won't you look at me?

You left me here, Ash.

That's because you were dead.

You k*lled me.

You turned into a monster.

I loved you. You loved me, too.

We had a life planned.

I've been so lonely.

No.

You are not alive, I know you're not.

[In shaky voice] Don't you love me anymore?

You're not Linda, you're just a head!

Why are you being so mean?

Because of that woman, that cop.

You like her, don't you?

[Banging against door]

What about us?

[Ash grunting]

You promised you'd take me to Jacksonville after this.

That house on the beach.

That was for us!

Shut up!

She's gonna die here.

We all die. Everyone you ever loved.

[Wood splintering]

[piano playing]

[Floorboards creaking]

[Piano playing continues]

[Floorboard creaking continues]

[Suspenseful music playing]

[Door creaking]

[mouse squeaking]

[Sighs]

[Wind howling]

Professor Knowby's voice: "The Kandarian dagger's handle is carved of human bone. The blade itself seems to have, otherworldly powers, but when it's placed upon the Necronomicon, it sears the binding's flesh... ".

Oh!

[Sighs] Jesus, Ash.

You scared me. Is everything okay?

Amanda, you know, I've been thinkin'.

I think we should just get outta here.

I thought you want to end this.

It's easier to just run. I've done it before.

You just leave all this sh*t behind, and start over.

I mean, my God, Amanda, haven't you had enough?

Of course. I'm living a nightmare, but you... don't you have a responsibility?

Why me?

Why do I deserve all this?

You know I'm right.

Why don't we, you and me, just get the hell outta here, and go somewhere we can start all over?

You and me?

Is that such a horrible idea?

[Fisher laughing]

Look, I like you Ash, I do.

Never thought I'd say that to a crazed, chainsaw-handed, Deadite k*ller.

The best I could ever know, but...

I know, I know that I'm not anybody's idea of a great catch.

Well I wasn't sayin' that.

No, let me finish.

I'm-I'm tryin' to be honest here, and it's hard.

I'm not anybody's idea of a great catch, I got that.

I mean, look at my life, I work in a trailer trash discount store, I've got a book that summons evil spirits, but you know, before all that happened, I had a future, and it didn't involve, chainsaws, and shotguns, and demons, and I just wanna, I wanna see if I can find that guy again.

Do you think you could help me?

I don't know.

Maybe?

[Fisher sighing]

I'd like that, Amanda.

I really would.

[Romantic music playing]

Okay, Ash.

This is not the time, or the place.

[Speaking softly] Amanda.

Life is short, you know that.

Mmm...

Ah...

I've been dreamin' about that.

[Squishing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh my God!

What is that?!

That's the whole me.

What the f*ck?! You just grew another hand?!

It's a lot more complicated than that.

It's disgusting. What happened to it?

What's the matter?

It looks sick!

Well beggars can't be choosers.

It looks like the hand that Ruby had.

Oh God.

Okay.

What happened?

All right, all right.

Maybe I grew another hand, or maybe the hand grew another me.

What's the difference, Amanda?

What's important is I can give you everything you want, and I want you.

Is that so bad?

I mean come on, a minute ago, you wanted me, too.

Yeah, that's before I found out you were just some creepy tumor, that grew out the stump of a possessed hand!

Name calling, is not nice.

Don't you f*ckin' touch me!

Oh!

[Wood cracking]

[Linda laughing]

Ash. You-you can't save her.

Everyone you care about dies!

Shut up, I can get to her!

No you can't!

[Crowbar banging]

You don't need her.

You already have a girlfriend, you have me.

Come over here.

I'll suck you off.

I give good head.

You can skull f*ck me good.

It's the best you're gonna get, Ash.

No woman will want you! [Laughing]

Stop it!

[Chainsaw buzzing]

Linda: Maybe you'd like me better like this.

[laughing continues]

[Ash panting]

[Yelling, gasping]

[Grunting, yelling]

[Heavy breathing]

[eerie music playing]

[Other Ash yelling]

[Fisher gasps]

Well, I guess the honeymoon is over.

[Both yelling]

You broke my heart.

Now, I'm gonna break your f*ckin' skull!

[Yelling continues]

Yeah, who's f*ckin' sick now?!

[Other Ash yells]

[both grunting]

What's the matter, huh?

All choked up?

[Other Ash laughing]

[Fisher groaning]

Oh, you smell good!

Um, what is that? Lavender?

[Fisher choking]

[Other Ash laughing]

[Both grunting]

[Other Ash screaming]

No!

[Screaming continues]

[Both panting]

Oh thank God.

Oh... it's gone.

I'm free, of that hand.

Must've gotten into me.

Made me do those horrible things to you Amanda.

I am so sorry.

[Ash laughing]

Now the good news is, I still have this hand, to finish the job!

[Both yelling]

No! [Gasping]

Now that's what I call cleavage.

[Gasping continues]

Don't worry Amanda.

It'll all be over soon.

About a minute, give or take.

[Blood splattering]

[whimpering]

Oh, oh, careful.

Watch your step.

[growling]

[Fisher grunts]

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

What are the odds?

[Gasping]

Looks like you're a little caught up there.

If it's any consolation, that's exactly how your partner felt when he was dying.

Whoa!

[Grunting, yelling]

Ah! That was a gift!

[Ash panting]

You're gonna be alone forever!

We'll make sure of that.

You think that cop even likes you?

You think you can make a life with her?

You fool!

She's gonna die. You already k*lled her!

Yeah?

[Linda laughing]

You always talk too much!

[Ash grunting]

[Coughing, gasping]

Amanda, we knew who you were the first time we saw ya.

We knew you were gonna try and help Ash.

[laughing] You won't be helping him now.

You won't be helping anyone.

f*ck you!

We're gonna send you all back!

[Chuckling]

By burying the book?

Good luck with that, doll eyes.

My dumb twin can't do anything right.

[Grunts]

[blood splattering]

Oh, look at the time.

I should go, and you should die.

[Gasping continues]

[dramatic music playing]

Amanda?!

Amanda!

Ash!

Amanda. Oh my God.

What the hell happened?

[Weakly] Your hand... it grew, another you.

What? That's crazy.

We could've been great.

Oh.

[Speaking softly] Oh baby, I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault.

It's better where you're goin'.

[Fisher shuddering]

[Coughing]

[Eerie music playing]

Well, better to have loved and lost, and boy, did you lose.

[Other Ash laughing maniacally]

[Door opening]

Pablo: Ash?!

[gasps] Jesus.

Did she turn into a Deadite?

No.

Wait, so you k*lled a real person?

No, I didn't do this.

I did do it, but it wasn't me.

Well uh, it wasn't this me.

It was another one. I saw him!

Ash, what did you do?

I'm tellin' ya there's another me around here!

Come on out, you ugly bastard!

Olly, olly, oxen free.

[Other Ash yelling]

[Ash grunting]

Lookin' for me?

You didn't deserve her, Ash.

[Ash yells]

I know, 'cause I'm just like you.

Well, then that means you got a trick knee!

[Both yelling]

Oh, my trick knee! [Groaning]

Sore kidneys!

[Ash yelling]

Fake teeth!

[Yelling continues]

[both grunting]

Bum shoulder!

[Both screaming]

Soft balls!

[Ash groaning]

[Screaming continues]

Time... to... Time... to... die!

Die!

[Suspenseful music playing]

[Both grunting]