02x03 - Season 2, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Here you go, up there, first hook.

That's it.

You know where that Madge rests at night, don't you?

She folds her wings, and she hangs upside down in a church belfry.

She's always all right with me.

Oh, yeah. Just you be careful.

I'm sure I saw her in this horror movie where she was eating this grocer's lad.

Not with a Kn*fe and fork.

But with her claws.

Oh, good day to you, ladies.

Hello, Granville.

Don't be making eyes at him.

It was just the one eye.

Watch the back, Madge can frown with the back.

Hey, who does that remind you of?

What?

Here, that, the snapping jaws.

Madge!

Yeah.

Anyway, let's have those lettuces up here, they're looking a bit limp, just like you first thing in the morning.

They look past reviving to me.

Oh, no, prepare to be amazed.

I'm amazed how you keep going on about Madge.

Yeah, well, I bet she's got webbed feet.

Why do you say that?

Well, Stalin had webbed feet, didn't he?

Haven't you noticed the resemblance?

She's only trying to protect her sister.

Yes, I know, from me.

Yeah, well, she thinks you're a scrooge.

You know, you once overcharged her.

It was just a reflex action, you know, nothing personal, you know how it is.

Mm, I know your lettuce still looks limp.

Yes, well, I haven't finished with it yet.

And I haven't finished with Madge.

I'm going to change her into a warm-hearted human being that will be bathing in the loving attention of Gastric.

This is the Gastric who eats mince with his fingers?

Good luck with that.

It's only when his dog pinches his spoon.

Gastric only really loves his dog, they've got so much in common - table manners.

He does odd jobs, don't he? Hey?

One of these days, Madge is going to need work doing around the house, ain't she?

Is that hair lacquer?

Yes.

And here he is now, Mr Wonderful, who is going to take Madge on a magical journey to the wonders of his best bedroom.

It's full of clutter.

Mm?

I have to keep it somewhere. I sleep in the spare room.

Gastric, I'm listening but it's not exactly Grand Designs, is it? Mm?

Oh, have you never been in?

Oh, it's like a landfill without the stylistic element.

It's all right. I've got a bit too much stuff, but, er, it's clean.

Me and the dog like it.

Gastric, if you took my advice, you need a woman's touch.

Actually, I might be on to something there.

Oh, great, Gastric, at last you've come round to the advantages of Madge, eh?

Madge? No, it's not Madge. It's her in Kingsley Street, that little widow.

Oh, can she cook.

She does a rhubarb crumble you could set to music.

I don't know, they get false teeth, a few liver spots, wobbly knees, you think they're safe, and the next thing you know, they're enticing easily-led men with their rhubarb crumble.

And you know Gastric's easily led because you're always leading him.

Yes, towards happiness.

Yeah, yours.

You're onto a loser anyway.

I don't think Gastric even likes Madge. Oh.

Of course he likes Madge.

No, you just keep telling him he likes Madge.

Right, you tell them often enough and they begin to believe it.

He te-te-te-te-taught me that.

I must admit, I've always been tempted by the contents of that shop.

Especially him behind the counter.

How are you doing with Mr Newbold?

He of the now-startled expression.

Mr who?

Oh, come on.

You've near as damn it kidnapped him.

He's lost his natural colour and gone 50 shades of grey.

Oh, he's just for practice.

You've got to keep your hand in.

Though I think I can safely say we have reached stage one.

The one where he's terrified of you.

Yes, that's the one.

You've got to keep a certain distance - desirable but just out of reach.

Ah, but is he reaching?

No. I think I've some work to do on that.

I must jog his memory.

I think I might take him to Marks & Spencer and walk him through ladies' underwear.

I know Gastric is about the same height as Tom Cruise, but that is where the resemblance ends.

Maybe we ought to emphasise his practical skills.

Gastric is the bloke you go to round here when you've got a blocked drain.

It's a bit far out on the fringe of sex appeal.

Oh, there's always a warm welcome when you've got a man with a golden touch with effluent.

Gastric is your Beethoven of blockages.

Tender hearts b*at a lot faster when you've got one of those around the house, I'll tell you.

( Bell rings )

Hey, what? Will you stop jumping up like that?

You're going to do yourself an injury.

Well, there may be a stranger in the shop, you know, helping himself.

Oh, er... Hello.

Hello to you. I mean, if it is just you.

Where did you come?

Oh, I was just, er...

Are you sure you haven't got a family of six behind there?

LAUGHING: Oh! No, I'm quite alone.

Oh, you're after sympathy now, are you?

Well...

Well, there are millions of people that are alone, as you said.

I mean, if you look at it that way, I'm alone.

That is if you don't count between four and six every other Tuesday.

I wondered if you happened to have any loose tea.

Loose tea?

Yes, loose tea.

Yes, yes, we have loose tea.

It's so loose that if it goes any further, it'll be lost.

Just wait a moment, sir.

Excellent.

Yes.

I don't like teabags.

No, I... I'm the same with rhubarb crumble.

I think rhubarb crumble should be one of those substances that should be banned.

There we are, sir.

Loose tea, £2.75, if you please.

Right, you, count to ten, come in here.

What?

Close your mouth, I can see your socks.

They're clean, and how do I know they are clean?

Because I washed them, and yours and your breakfast pot.

Ohh! Don't get your pinny in a twist.

That's another thing, right, my image, should it be wearing a pinny?

Well, it makes a change, normally you're wearing a bit of totty.

Didn't you at my age?

No, it hadn't been invented.

Anyway, count to ten, come in here.

You want me in the shop?

After you've counted to ten. You know ten is, it's comes after nine.

What is all this about?

We've got a flaw in our security.

Oh, ye gods, let's hope NATO are scrambling their F-16s.

Right. One, two, three...

QUICKLY: Seven, eight, nine, ten!

Gone. Can't even keep an appointment.

I'm here!

Where?

Exactly, you can't see me.

We've got a blind spot.

We could have generations of shoplifters living behind there.

Nobody goes behind there.

Oh, yes, they do - there was someone this morning.

He came out and his pockets were bulging like that.

Oh, you saw his pockets bulging?

Not exactly, no.

But they're cunning, you see, because they have these pockets that filter stuff right down their trouser legs like that. And the women are even worse, they have these bottomless undies that go like that.

I've actually seen security men disappear down there, never been seen again.

Nah, I can't remember ever seeing a customer go behind here.

Well, they have. You go behind there, been using it like Aladdin's cave. I tell ya, I'll give them open sesame.

( He grumbles )

When I said why don't we do something together...

It'll do you good, you big lump.

Good? It don't feel like good.

It feels just like shuffling off your mortal coil.

I do believe you're not enjoying that.

She's trying to k*ll me.

Prove it.

Looks like it's working.

It is working. I'm going any minute.

Promises, promises. Are you coming?

As soon as me heart starts again.

If you're not back by Tuesday, I'm selling your computer.

She would, she'd sell your computer.

There was a time when she used to smile when I walked in a room.

Which room?

Any room.

I'm a detail man, Eric, I like to get me facts straight.

Yeah, but are you getting any cuddles?

Not since her mother moved in.

Oh...

Er, left a bit...

Which is more than you did at breakfast.

Now tilt the top down towards you.

Well, hurry up, it's heavy.

Oh, come on, it's only a little bathroom mirror.

Yeah, I know, and guess whose little bathroom mirror?

Oh, enter Mavis bearing gifts.

You what?

Nothing, kindly adjust your mirror.

Do you want this in here or in the kitchen?

Remember, I don't do complicated.

You don't need complicated.

I think it's magic what you do with simple confusion.

Thank you!

I think.

Oh, yes, anyway, take it straight through, my love, into the kitchen, yes, that's... that's fine.

Hello?

Oh...

And this has been made my Madge's very own talons, eh?

I mean hands.

Yes. I told her it was for the church bazaar.

Good thinking.

Lying about the church, do you think it's a good idea?

Mavis, we're trying to arrange Madge's future happiness, surely that's a good idea.

It's cottage pie, she does a lovely cottage pie.

Aha, man food.

Yes, we've got to get Gastric back on a masculine diet.

Goodness knows where he'll end up with this unnatural taste for sweet stuff.

Talking of sweet stuff...

I've got this, er, taste for sweet stuff...

There's no answer for that, I get tongue-tied when I'm blushing.

I can undo tongues.

Basic grocery practice.

Well, I never know what to say when you're looking at me with both headlights.

I always think yes is a good answer when time is limited.

Oh, I wish I'd worn something nicer, I'm only dressed for bringing cottage pie.

It's never been brought nicer.

Where did you go? I'm stood there with this...

Get... get out!

Get out, get out!

Oh, heck.

You can get them to fit your pocket, you know.

Security. We've got a blind spot.

Oh, you must've had one of them when you jumped on me in the shop doorway.

I wouldn't say jumped, it was more like a stumble.

I fell over you, you remember.

I remember it felt like just another morning, until suddenly you're underneath a grocer.

Who was?

It was just an accident, Eric.

Yeah, the kind of accident that never happens to me.

How's the jogging?

Well, it's... er, no replacement for pleasure.

Hey, get us half a dozen fruit scones and some cream.

I'll take a couple of these nice, fresh-looking lettuces.

Fell on you, did he?

Only the once.

I fall over the cat occasionally.

I mention this merely to point out the difference in people's destinies.

She left her husband for some foreign waiter.

The simple pleasures of the truly desperate.

You'd have thought a tip would be enough.

It makes you wonder if the husband's taken her abroad looking for some obliging waiter.

It would have to be abroad.

I can't see you being able to lose many wives in Skegness.

Oh, look, a new policy.

I expect they'll let him go when he's spent a bit of money.

I've never had the pleasure of being roughly handled by Granville.

He's ignored several hints.

Right, that's it now.

Sit yourself down, that's right.

Are you feeling any symptoms yet?

What symptoms?

Wobbly lights.

Er, ringing in the ears...

Is your tongue turning green?

I thought it were always green.

How many fingers can you see?

Three.

Three? Wrong, only two.

You started with three.

Oh-ho, it's getting worse, tendency to imagine things.

Leroy, go and get me a thermometer, will you?

I haven't got a temperature.

Haven't got a temperature? Cor, I can feel you from here!

Ooh, you're like a Turkish bath.

Now listen, Gastric, I'm going to ask you a question, right?

What do you know about... the Black Death?

It k*lled a lot of people.

Wiped out half the Western world. Do you know why?

Er...

Rats.

Urban legend. Everybody thinks it was rats.

The Black Death, Gastric, was brought from the Indies by a cook who was making a meal so toxic and contagious...

Bad meat.

Rhubarb crumble.

LAUGHING: Give over!

You're trying to tell me the Black Death were caused by rhubarb crumble?

You didn't know?

So why do they call it the Black Death?

It wipes out half the planet, they're not going to call it magnolia, are they?

There's only this.

Right, OK. Open wide.

I don't know how they do it.

It turns my stomach over.

I daren't look.

Right, ladies.

Who put a rocket behind you?

Prompt service, Arkwright motto.

I thought it was overcharging.

Pretend I'm not here and we're unrelated. She's upset.

I'm not surprised if she's been hanging upside down all night.

I beg your pardon?

I was persuaded to come here in a moment of dizziness.

Have you got a chair?

Yes, if it improves her personality.

I doubt it, but can we have one anyway?

Don't fuss, I'll be all right in a minute.

I'm usually a strong person.

People come to me for advice on being awkward.

Yes, I know - nobody does it better.

I told you not to trust him, he's a flatterer.

There's a man in a cherry picker in the next street - she can't bear to watch anybody working at dangerous heights.

It makes my knees go to jelly.

You have to admire the sheer bravery.

Hey?

A little bird tells me that there's a cherry picker in the next street, right?

Now, if we bung the driver a few quid, or maybe less, we might be able to borrow it and get someone to fix those loose tiles on our roof.

Well, I'm not going up in a cherry picker -

I've got no head for lows, never mind heights.

No, no, not you.

We need an intrepid hero fresh from his adventures with the Black Death.

Oh, not to mention a rusty thermometer.

Buy one WHAT, get one free?

I think it's a trap.

We could go in and find out.

Listen to me, weird stuff goes on in there.

He's got a big voodoo.

He's got a big gob, that's all.

It's more than that, he's had me too many times.

I am normally Mr Immovable.

Pfft.

That's funny, your wife says you're a p*ssy.

She's desperate to make me sound unattractive to other women, she knows I'm a rock.

I exercise, I've got these great pecks.

No, don't show me, I'm a vegetarian.

So am I. That's another thing, he sells me meat.

You go in there and he's got you, it's uncanny.

That's it, well hidden, that should do it - the Arkwright portable shoplifter's alarm system.

Secreted under the mat, one false step and bingo.

Yeah, well, at least I've got my mirror back.

Yes, right. Well, you go around and give it a try, go on.

Go on, chop chop.

And don't walk round it just cos you know it's there.

( Alarm sounds loudly )

Scare somebody to death with that.

Well, they shouldn't go nosing around my blind spot.

You're going to give somebody a heart att*ck.

Give? Oh, I'll sell somebody a heart att*ck.

Does he know yet?

Who?

Our intrepid astronaut.

I've given him a call. He's, er, on his way now.

Does he know that he's going up in this thing?

I thought that we'd surprise him.

You can't...

It's all right, calm down, will you?

He's not going to Mars, he's only going as far as the roof.

Ey up, here he is now. Sh, sh.

Ohh, you wouldn't get me up in one of these.

What can I do you for?

Excuse me.

Gastric...

How would you like to turn a lady's knees to jelly? Mm?

Make her heart b*at a little faster?

Make her believe that you are the man?

( Gastric chuckles )

She'd have to like dogs.

If she liked dogs, I could live with that.

Well...

That's if you live.

What did he mean, "That's if you live"?

If you live to be 100, you'll never have a prouder moment.

That's IF you live to be 100.

I've got this funny feeling there's something going off here.

You don't mind me asking?

No, no, this is a truth emporium. Ask away, Gastric.

I mean, I've just had this narrow brush with the Black Death.

Yes, I know. It's miraculous how you've pulled through.

I were just saying that to Leroy.

I'm not going a funny colour.

Not yet.

No, no, no, you're not going a funny colour.

You're not going green or anything like that.

What you are going, you're going to turn a lady's knees to jelly.

She is going to look upon you as her knight in shining armour.

Yes, and here is your helmet.

Sir Lancelot.

I don't know why you can't turn knees to jelly but stay on the floor.

You're going up to inspect my roof, to cast your expert eye over my slates, to make sure there are none loose.

I can tell you where there's a few loose.

Well, who's driving this thing?

Well, you are, that's the beauty of it. You are in control.

Yeah, everything you need is right in front of you.

Remember, knees to jelly.

Mine included.

( Engine starts )

My mother used to add a dash of cinnamon, and that was before all this foreign travel.

Oh, my second husband was inclined to overeat on spices.

Was that overeat or overheat?

Both, if I didn't deflect him sharply with something depressing.

Oh, oh, oh!

I bet you did a good depressing.

Always, I like to keep one handy.

There was a time when I felt depressed, and then I thought...

Ah!

Are you sure?

Oh!

I'm going in, I daren't watch this.

Oh!

Ba, that Madge is quick on the blouse.

I think I did, I think I turned her knees to jelly.

Well, you went everywhere but the roof.

Listen, where I've been is much more interesting than your roof.

You think she's made an impression?

Attractive woman, that Madge.

Hey, come along now, let's get you into something more comfortable, go on.

Mavis. Mavis, stay there.

Listen, listen.

I want you to hide. And when Gastric comes back in, I want you to surprise him with this gift from Madge.

Yeah, ha-ha, oooh.

Yes.

Surprise him?

Hide.

Oh, you can do this, Mavis!

Best go and see to the dog.

Ah, Gastric, just a minute. No, your day isn't over yet.

We've got a surprise for you, from Madge.

( Alarm, Mavis screams )

'I think Madge is beginning to get beneath Gastric's crust. ( He chuckles ) I bet he got well licked by his dog when he got home.'

Steady girl, my old man's here.

Going up!

'Oh, that Mavis has a powerful scream. If I ever get close enough, I must remember never to set that off. I must say, it feels good to save some poor soul from rhubarb crumble.

( Woman giggles )

'Oh, you take your eyes off 'em for a minute. I hope he's not going to use that old chestnut. Up here, the air is thinning, this will help you breathe.'