01x03 - The Famous Ventriloquist Did It

[bunniefuu]

Tribeca: All right, send them in.

Now, is there anyone who looks like the person who robbed you?

Well, the one on the left looks familiar.

And I see her every morning.

Anybody else you recognize, ma'am?

[Exhales sharply]

Are you sure they can't see us?

Geils: No, ma'am. Absolutely not.

Atkins:Tribeca, Geils, my office now!

Coming, Lieutenant.

And make it snappy!

[Screaming]

What's going on?

Grab a seat. [Sighs]

A ventriloquist has been m*rder*d.

Oh, my god. Which one?

Which one?

Like, his name?

Who knows the name of any ventriloquist?

[Chuckling] Right. Not me. I mean...

Victim's name was Alan Parsons.

Alan Parsons?! Who?

He was an all-American at Syracuse, and he won ventriloquist of the year last year.

And the year before.

I think. I mean, who is this guy?

We'll get right on it, Lieutenant.

Woman: He saw my face! He saw my face!

♪

Dr. Scholls: We got two bodies a big one and a small one.

[Gagging]

Look at him.

So peaceful.

Whoever did this started with Parsons and then moved on to Lance the dummy.

They lanced the dummy?

No, no. Lance is the dummy's name.

They just knocked him to the floor.

Parsons was hammered.

Drunk on the job?

No. Blunt-force trauma.

We think he was gutted.

Evisceration?

No, no. About the performance.

It was a real tough crowd.

Was he close to anyone? Was he married?

Uh, yes, Mr. Parsons was married to a...

[Inhales sharply]

Hang on. I have it here.

Mrs. Parsons.

Hmm.

Mm. [Gearshift clicks]

Looks like the press is already sniffing around.

[All sniffing]

Wow, that is a nice house for a ventriloquist. Yeah.

I always pictured them huddled around a trash-can fire with fingerless gloves.

Are you joking?

These guys talk without moving their mouths.

I mean, look at my dumb old mouth moving as I'm talking.

These guys have a gift from god.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If there's something personal going on with you and this case, you need to tell me now.

There's nothing going on.

No, not even with a head cock. There's nothing going on.

Geils, trust me, okay?

You need to let it go, or it'll eat you alive.

Well, I don't want to talk about it.

But I don't want to be eaten alive, either.

[Sighs]

All right, but if you share this with a soul, I'll tell every cop in the precinct that you're a girl.

You have my word.

I was 12 years old.

But all I could think about was the time I was 7 years old.

It was my birthday, and my parents got me a special present.

It was a real humdinger.

It was a ventriloquist dummy, and everyone knew that Humdinger made the best ones.

Well, what do you want to do today?

Well, we can go on a water slide.

I practiced day and night. No, I don't want to go on a water slide.

You'll get messed up.

I had ventriloquism posters, trading cards.

I knew the stats of all the best v-quists.

That's what us insiders called them.

Then came the night of the big talent show.

I was a bundle of nerves.

I knew that the audience was full of scouts, so I had to give an absolutely perfect performance.

Ladies and gentlemen, our very own Jay Geils.

[Cheers and applause]

How you doing today, buddy?

My lawyer says I don't have to answer that question.

[Audience booing] I just couldn't master not moving my lips.

I told myself it doesn't matter, but it turns out that's a big part of it.

I never put my hand inside of anything again.

Mm.

You want a dog?

There's a great place around the corner.

Did you listen to anything I said?

You're humiliated, and your dreams were crushed.

It happens to the best of us.

You got to move on.

You ever have a dream?

♪

[Cat yowls]

No.

Oh, my god.

Again, Doreen, I'm so sorry, and if there's...

That's Fisher Price, the world's most famous ventriloquist.

He once did an entire show with a hornets' nest in his mouth.

Mr. Price, Detective Geils. It's a great honor.

Pleasure to meet you, detective.

[High-pitched voice] The pleasure is all mine.

Can I help you?

Hi, Mrs. Parsons. We are detectives from L.A.P.D.

We're sorry to disturb you at what must be a very difficult time.

Thank you.

Plus, I don't know if you're aware, but my husband just d*ed.

Yes. Yes, we heard.

Also, Lance and I were very close, so I lost my husband and I lost my best friend.

Lance was your best friend?

No. Lance was my husband's best friend.

My best friend was Rita Zzyzplx.

How do you spell that?

R-i-t-a.

Thank you.

Okay. We're done here.

Actually, we just started.

No, I'm talking about the part where I ask her to spell her best friend's name.

Ah, yeah, that. We're done with that.

My mistake.

Please, won't you come in and sit down on my off-white linen sectional?

Tribeca: Mrs. Parsons, as I'm sure you're aware, 82% of murders are committed by someone close to the victim.

Well, wouldn't they have to be close to them in order to m*rder them?

She's good. Mm.

I hate to ask you this, but were there any other women in the picture?

Oh, just those two.

Bet that made you pretty mad, huh?

Look, I know what you're insinuating, but let me set the record straight.

Sorry. I have O.C.D.

This has been driving me crazy this whole time.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, nose, nose, nose, ears, eyes, and go.

Look, I married a ventriloquist.

I was very aware of what I was getting myself into.

I knew I'd be dealing with the mistresses and the long hours and the dr*gs.

But I loved my husband.

And more than that, I loved being a ventriloquist's wife.

Thank you for your Time and for answering our questions.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

I just really hope that you catch the animal that did this.

Thank you, ma'am, but we think it was a human who did it.

All: Good day.

Jinx.

Nose, nose, nose, ears, eyes...

[Sniffs, farts]

And go.

What... just...

Hey. I heard we caught a witness in the ventriloquist m*rder.

Yeah. I'm about to go take a run at him right now.

Hey, you want a snickers bar?

Two came out of the machine by mistake.

Wow. That must be doubly satisfying.

It is.

Snickers really satisfies.

Snickers really satisfies.

Do they really satisfy?

They really satisfy.

Snickers really satisfies.

I'm gonna get my satisfy on with a snickers.

Good luck in there. All right.

You think this is a game?

[Scoffs] This isn't a game.

This is a game.

This is Life. You are looking at life.

And if you don't start talking, I promise you...

You're gonna be in real trouble.

Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Monopoly.

I could do this all day.

But I'm gonna tell you something right now...

If you don't give me something...

You're gonna be sorry.

And I'm gonna shut down this whole operation.

And if you think I'm gonna back down... [laughs]

Brother, I am one hungry, hungry hippo.

You hear me?

[Chuckles] And you...

You're about to go kerplunk.

[Box clatters]

Gnip gnop!

He isn't talking.

Anything new in the ventriloquist case?

Parsons d*ed from a g*nsh*t wound, but there's no w*apon and not a lot of prints or DNA to go on.

But look what I found on Lance the dummy.

What are those scratches? Defensive wounds?

Whoever did this is looking at the business end of a nasty splinter.

All right, I'm gonna cut into him, so if you're squeamish, look away.

It's not my first rodeo.

This isn't a rodeo. This is an autopsy.

There is a rodeo in town, though, if you want to go with me later.

[Saw buzzing]

All right, let's check the contents of the stomach.

Ohh.

Looks like someone had a last meal.

Thumb drive.

It's a manuscript.

Can you open it?

No. It's encrypted.

Child's play.

Geils, Scholls, I spent 10 years with mi-5 as their top code-breaker and then two years in the kitchen as a dishwasher.

What do we have here?

[Grunts]

Ah.

[Sighs]

[Casts thud]

Ah, yes.

A very complicated south Korean m*llitary code.

There are over 9 billion possible permuta...

[Computer beeps]

Oh, I'm in.

Oh, god.

"A Ventriloquist Speaks: The Book That Could Get Me k*lled," by Alan Parsons.

It's a 1,200-page amateur memoir.

Someone's gonna have to comb over every over-dramatic memory, every clumsy metaphor, trying to find some sort of clue as to why this man was k*lled.

I'm gonna miss the rodeo.

Hey, Tanner, any red flags in Parsons' finances?

We're looking for a reason someone would want him dead.

Not much.

I mean, we can give you what we got.

Okay. No, don't print. Just attach the PDF.

[Dog groans] No. don't do that.

No, no, no. don't cancel it now.

It's going down to the downstairs printer.

[Telephone rings] Jay Geils here.

Dr. Scholls: It's Monica Scholls.

I just found something interesting in the book.

Thank god. Where are you?

Where I always read... in a bubble bath.

[Dog growls]

Lieutenant, what are you doing here?

This is the only place I get cell service.

That's a stapler.

Holly, where is my cellphone?!

I'll just text her.

That's a calculator.

Damn it!

What's in the book?

Parsons reveals all the secrets behind ventriloquism.

[Scoffs] That knowledge is sacred.

Isn't it just not moving...

Zip it, Tanner.

Whoever did this already k*lled one man.

There's a whole chapter in here on how his mentor passed down all his secrets to him.

Who's his mentor?

Uh...

Damn. There's some water on the page.

I can't quite make it out.

Let me help you.

[Men murmuring]

I think that's a... I think that's a "g."

No. That's a "j."

You sure?

Or a 5.

The bubbles are...

There's so many that you can't see any...

It's an "f."

Fisher Price. My hero.

Well, it looks like your hero just became our prime suspect.

Aw. What?

Really? That's disappointing.

Wow. Look at this place.

Man: Can I help you?

Tribeca: We have an appointment with Mr. Price.

[Female dummies giggling]

Hey, hey. Psst.

What?

Look at the rack on that one!

Walter, no, no. [Laughs]

Sorry. He's drunk.

Won't you sit down?

Tribeca: Ladies.

[Giggling continues]

I hope there's been a break in the Parsons case.

Such a tragedy.

Actually, we have had a little breakthrough.

It turns out that Parsons was writing a book exposing all the secrets of ventriloquism... mm.

Specifically, your secrets. [Gags]

Did we catch you off-guard?

Not at all.

I was aware of the book.

Did it bother you?

Of course not.

Knowing how to make sausage doesn't make you a master sausage man.

Besides, no one can do what I do.

Or should I say...

What we do.

♪ La la la ♪
♪ la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

Both: ♪ la-a-a-a ♪

Hey. You're a chick? I had no idea.

[Laughs] 'Cause you think it's coming... hey!

Where do you get your hair cut, a salon school?

Oh, you don't want to play with me, old man.

[Gurgling] Hey, aren't you that little boy in "Indiana Jones"?

Look, Mr. Price, you've always been a hero of mine, but if there's anything you want to tell us, now's the time to come clean.

I have nothing to hide, Detective.

Yes, I was concerned about the book, but I'm not a m*rder*r.

I notice there's a band-aid on your finger.

Would that be covering a splinter?

It's not unusual for a ventriloquist to get a splinter.

The dummies are made of wood.

Would you mind if I took a look at your splinter?

I'd be happy to show you my splinter if you'd be happy to show me a warrant.

Any warrant or one that's specific to this case?

That's what I thought.

If you'll excuse us... we have to go pack.

After tonight's sold-out show...

We're leaving on a 50-country tour.

And all of them are outside of America.

We're gonna take you down, Price, and your little dummy, too.

I'd like to see you try.

Oh, you want to go?

You want a piece of this?

[Indistinct shouting]

I will take you, you little... no! No!

Bitch! That was a great back-and-forth, really convincing.

Little bitch!

How do you make the "p" sound?

The "p" stop. The "p" stop.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Speaking indistinctly]

A splinter?

A splinter?!

It's too thin!

We know he did it.

The book would have ruined him, so he iced Parsons.

Iced Parsons?

I could go for an iced parsons.

Holly, bring me an iced parsons!

Let's haul Price in here, get that splinter out, match it to the dead dummy, and put him away.

We've got to get tickets to that show tonight.

Get tickets to the Fisher Price show the night of?

Okay, that should be easy.

Uh, hello, ticket people?

Could I get two tickets to the show that's been sold-out for four years?

Let me check that for you, sir.

No. I'm sorry, sir.

That show is completely sold out. Well, thank you for checking.

Is there anything else you want me to look up?

No, that's it. [Laughs]

Have a great weekend. You too.

I told you. It's impossible.

Geils, you're a ventriloquist. That was private.

We'll sneak in backstage, and we'll pretend we're the opening act.

Was. I was a ventriloquist. There's a big difference.

What? You're a ventriloquist?

Well, she's a girl!

Oh, you are a dead man!

You are! You pee sitting down!

Hey! Hey!

You want to go?

Hey!

I will take you down right now!

You're a girl, but that's my secret.

Knock it off, you two! Hey! Stop!

I swear to god!

S... quiet!

Stop talking now!

Zip it! Quiet!

No more fighting!

If there is a way to tie Price to this m*rder, I want it to happen.

And I always get what I want.

We didn't have an iced parsons.

Would you settle for a lukewarm glass of water?

So exasperated!

Geils: It's closed. Let's go.

Can I help you?

We're the opening act.

[Laughing] Yeah, right.

We are.

Oh. Sorry about the inquisition.

We get a lot of crazies.

[Chanting] Fisher Price.

Fisher Price.

Fisher Price.

Fisher Price.

Fisher Price.

Fisher Price.

Fisher Price. Hey, guys, let's go.

You're the opening act, right?

No. Yes.

You're on in 30 seconds.

[Crowd chanting "Fisher Price"]

Dude, you got this.

Dude, I do not have this.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

No.

Dude, I know you can do this.

How?

Because you've already done it.

I was humiliated.

But you had the guts to put yourself out there...

Which is more than I can say for someone else I know.

[Crowd chanting "Angie"]

Woman: Angie, you're on right now.

Uh, I have to go.

I left the stove on in the Dollhouse.

You.

I didn't make it back in time, and my Dollhouse burnt to the ground.

The point is, I didn't put myself out there, but you did.

That's all that really matters.

Stage manager: Opening act, places.

So bossy.

Hey.

[Chuckles]

[Chanting continues]

[Applause]

Geils, I believe in you.

I can't.

You can do it.

I can't.

You can do it.

Now, just stick your hand up my back and make me talk.

Not... not there.

No, no, no. Uh, no. Oh. Oh.

[Clears throat]

Okay.

So, Angie, how you doing tonight?

Pretty good.

[Cheers and applause]

[Audience gasps]

Angie, talk to me.

I'm okay.

I'm wearing a bulletproof bustier.

[Breathing heavily] You should go get Price.

No way.

A v-quist never leaves his dummy.

Hey. I'm no dummy. I'm your partner.

Now go get him. [Sighs]

All right, Price, drop the g*n.

Or have Walter drop the g*n.

Or you drop Walter, and then Walter can drop the g*n.

In any of these scenarios, I want the g*n out of there.

[Audience murmurs]

Put the g*n down, Price. I'm warning you.

You don't have the guts, Detective.

I saw your pathetic show.

You'll never work as a ventriloquist.

Maybe not, but neither will you...

'Cause you forgot the most important rule.

Keep your mouth shut.

Cuff him, boys.

[Audience murmuring]

[Handcuffs clicking]

Ladies and gentlemen, Detective Jay Geils!

[Cheers and applause]

Just finished the Price report.

Want to get a beer?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, what was your dream, anyway?

Oh, it was stupid.

I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

Ready?

♪