01x04 - The Thumb Affair

[bunniefuu]

Going all the way up to the front, if you want to follow me.

All the way up here, file in please.

Here is the museum's most valuable piece, "Thumb", painted by Carpaccio MacGuffin the Scottish Italian master, this painting is the last work he ever did before he went into seclusion.

It is worth well over $10 million.

Look in front of you, see these velvet ropes, they prevent anyone from getting close to the painting.

[Oohh!]

And as an added level of security, look at the sign.

Let's move on to the room with the boring pots in it.

Follow me right this way. Everyone this way.

And to your right.

♪ ♪

I don't believe indigenous people had micro waves and one could only imagine the bland food they cooked in these pots.

Here we have well preserved examples of Greek and Roman statutes, you can see that they're a depiction of the ideal human form except for this one, of course, which is the fat slovenly Cupid, god of love, clearly he loved pizza most of all.

[Laughter]

Now follow me over here and take a look at the museum's most prized...

[Scream]

Tribeca, Geils!

Toby, knock it off, will you?

Sorry, Lieutenant the other day you requested more hubbub.

OK. Take it down to a dull roar.

Gottcha.

Geils, Tribeca, my office.

You wanted to see us, sir?

Yeah, you ever heard of Carpaccio MacGuffin?

The Scottish Italian master who disappeared after painting his masterwork "Thumb"?

Yes, obviously. MacGuffin's "Thumb" disappeared from the Olsen-Medavoy Gallery this morning.

The OMG.

I thought it was at the Lewis Oberby Library.

The LOL, don't make me laugh, that b*rned down last year, so they moved it.

And what did they build in its place?

Another one of those damn parking garages from the Wayne Tyson Foundation.

WTF!

I know just what we needed, but you heard about Tyson, right?

He came down with a testicular membrane infection.

TMI?

For realsies.

This is your divorce agreement. Btdubs, you got robbed.

I know. FML.

It's okay, kid, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have some type of reaction to a missing painting.

[Dog barking]

Scholls, what do got here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Detective.

Watch out for the velvet ropes.

What do we got?

Whoever did this knew what he was doing.

He got past the ropes no problem.

So what about the sign?

He was very clever here.

Look how he altered the meaning of the sign by spray painting over the word "not".

"Do touch". Man, that's diabolical.

We're taking as many prints as possible.

We'll let you know what we come up with.

What's going on with this pedestal here.

Oh there was a cupid statute there but it was just a temporary exhibit on loan from an antiquities dealer, a Dr. Zaius.

We're on it.

Well Tribeca, time for a checkup.

If the doctor is in.

I sure hope so, I have a * hernia.

I just love old stuff. Everything about it.

The smell, the feel...

L.A.P.D., are you Dr. Zaius?

Oh no, Dr. Zaius is my brother.

I'm just Mr. Zaius.

You guys can call me Randy.

Quite a shiner you've got there, Randy.

Oh, thank you.

I call it a mop.

Is your brother around?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Randy? What kind of a name is "Randy"?

It's Welsh actually. Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Zaius.

How can I help you?

Wow, you really do look a lot like your brother.

Really? I don't see it. Please come in.

♪

Would you like some coffee?

Yes, please.

I'm Detective Tribeca, this is Detective Geils, and we're here to talk to you about what happened at the Olsen-Medavoy Gallery.

[Both slurp]

Ohh! Aah!

Oh, my god, that's terrible.

And really cold.

I'm not surprised.

This coffee was brewed by Napoleon Bonaparte just before the Battle of Waterloo.

[Blows]

Would you care for some macaroons from the age of enlightenment?

How about a potato chip from the Kennedy administration?

Okay.

Were you aware that MacGuffin's "Thumb" was stolen from the OMG this morning?

How awful. That's such a seminal piece.

[Chuckles]

That's not what it means.

Apparently, one of your statues was on loan to the museum from... yesterday to today.

I'm always happy to share my antiquities with the world.

They really belong to all of us.

Can we see it?

No. It's mine.

The painting was there. The statue arrives.

The painting disappears. The statue disappears.

If you say so. Frankly, the comings and goings of the pieces is Randy's responsibility, and he's a first-class idiot, a real dumb-dumb double zero.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the cake from Theodore Roosevelt's 35th birthday just arrived, and it's in terrible condition.

Sit down, Zaius!

You're trying to tell me that that timeline is coincidental?

How dare you come in here with your cheap suit and your lousy haircut?

Where did you get that, ladies prison?

Salon Training Studio.

How about this?

I'll make some inquiries in the art world, ask around.

If I find anything out, I'll call you.

What's the number?

It's 3...

Oh, hold on.

Ink dried up.

Go ahead.

It's 3...

Oh, dried up again.

[Chuckles] Go ahead.

It's 3...

Oops.

Dried up. Sorry. [Chuckles]

One more time. Go ahead.

It's 3...

No, it dried up. Sorry.

Go ahead.

It's 3...

Ah, sh**t. Dried up.

It's 3...

No, it dried up again.

So sorry. One more time. Go.

It's 3...

All right, don't say "it's."

That's what's taking the time... the word "it's."

You say it, it dries up, okay?

Go.

3...

Too late.

Tell you what... I have a photographic memory.

You say it, and I'll... I'll just remember it.

Go ahead.

Okay, 333...

Mm-hmm...

2333.

Okay, start any time you want.

♪

[Sighs] I feel like Dr. Zaius is giving us the runaround.

You think he has something to do with the stolen painting?

I don't know. I think this one we just leave unsolved.

Leave unsolved?

I've literally never heard either of those words come out of your mouth, and I've known you for three weeks.

It's just a dumb, old painting. Who cares?

"Who cares?"

I've literally never heard either of those words come out of your mouth, and I've known you for three weeks.

Is there something going on here I don't know about?

Let's just drop it, okay?

I'll tell you when you really push me on it later.

Fine.

If Dr. Zaius hasn't given us enough information to make him a prime suspect, maybe his brother, Randy, can chime in.

Are you in or out?

[Sighs] Let's roll.

[Knocking on door]

Oh.

Yeah?

Randy Zaius? L.A.P.D.

Do you remember us from this afternoon?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember you guys.

Come on in.

♪

Nice place.

Thanks. It's cheap, but it's inexpensive.

No one gets into the antiquities game for the money.

It's funny that you mention that because I noticed that your brother, Dr. Zaius, was wearing a $1,500 suit today.

We took a look at his tax records, and it turns out he owns a boathouse, a house boat, a pool house and a house pool.

Oh, I wouldn't know. I've never been to his house.

Hmm. Did you paint that?

Yeah. It's not very good, I know.

But I'm... I'm just starting.

A kangaroo with a light switch for a head.

What do you call it... a kanger-switch?

Actually, it's a switcheroo.

Clever. I'd like to buy it.

Oh, you don't want that. It's a terrible painting.

You can get something better than that.

That one's garbage.

Did Dr. Zaius give you that black eye, Randy?

Yeah, but we like to punch each other in the eye.

I mean, I punched him yesterday, so it was kind of his turn.

It's a game. We call it "punch punch."

Your brother doesn't treat you very well, does he?

Do you know anything about Dr. Zaius and the theft of MacGuffin's "Thumb"?

If you'll excuse me, I have to, uh...

I have to use the restroom.

Let's spread out.

♪

[Zipper opens]

[Urinating]

Tribeca, get over here.

On my way.

What's up?

MacGuffin's "Thumb."

[Toilet flushes]

If you'll excuse me, uh, all my roommates are about to show up, so I...

You son of a bitch!

Aah!

Whoa!

You're under arrest for grand theft art-o.

It's not what you think.

Give me a reason!

[Grunts]

I dare you.

He just took a painting. It's not that big of a deal.

Don't tell me how to do my job!

Ohh!

Give me a reason!

[Bones cr*ck]

I dare you!

Ohh! Aah!

Things got a little heated back there, huh?

I don't want to talk about it.

You got to tell me what's going on with you and this case.

You know we never solve it till you do.

[Sighs]

I was a young art student living in Paris.

I was living in the French quarter.

[Parisian music plays]

I was just getting out of a relationship.

That was the worst first date I ever had.

I needed someone who wanted the things that I wanted.

And that was Carpaccio MacGuffin.

It was exciting, exhilarating.

We did things I never dreamed of.

He was loving, considerate, thoughtful... sensuous.

I knew I had to get out of there.

I loved him, but I knew I couldn't stay because that's what I do... I leave.

So that was the inspiration for the "Thumb."

Amazing.

You think maybe you leave people before they leave you?

[Mockingly] You think maybe you leave people before they leave you?

All right, fine. Forget it.

Let's just put Randy away.

It's up here on the right, where it says "Police Precinct."

Okay, I got it.

Turn to the right.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Turn to the left.

[Camera shutter clicks]

All right. Let's bring in the whole family.

Come on in. Come on in, Betts.

Okay, y'all ready? At the count of three, "Cheese."

One, two, three! "Cheese!"

[Camera shutter clicks]

You wanted to see us, Doctor?

Ah, good evening, Detectives!

I took a look at that painting you recovered from Randy Zaius' apartment.

A genuine MacGuffin, eh?

[Laughing]

We don't know why you're laughing, sir.

No. Of course. How could you?

You're not inside my head. Now, let me show you something.

Now, here we have Leonardo Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa," which we had FedExed in from the Louvre Museum in Paris.

And here... [Grunts]

Here we have a cheap forgery on loan from a cheap forgery store.

Or is it?

Could this be the real "Mona Lisa" and could this be the forgery?

Real, forge. Forge, real.

Follow the bouncing ball. Which is it?

I can tell them apart.

Oh, really, Detective?

Then why don't you pull out your big g*n and sh**t the forgery?

Great.

Wrong, Detective.

You've just sh*t the real "Mona Lisa" and the lab technician standing behind it.

[Grunts]

You tricked me. I'm not paying for that.

They're both forgeries.

Exactly, Tribeca. They are both forgeries.

Look at the cheap canvas, the amateur brushstrokes, the lack of contrast between light and dark, the stickers that say "75 cents."

Ah. [Chuckles] [Claps]

At last, someone who knows something about art.

What's the point of all this, Doctor?

The point?

The point?

Ooh, I love an inquiring mind.

Let's have another look at your so-called MacGuffin, shall we?

Oh, my god.

How did I miss this?

Yeah, how did you miss this? It's so obvious.

Why is it obvious?

It's obvious that it's a forgery, although a brilliant one.

The canvas is authentic to the period.

The brushstrokes are exact.

It's absolutely indistinguishable from the original.

Except for the fact that MacGuffin was crying when he painted the "Thumb," and the tears diluted the paint in the bottom-right corner.

Exactly. As you can see, no tears.

So Randy forged the "Thumb," but why?

♪
♪

[Chuckles]

How's jail treating you, Randy?

You literally brought me in here five minutes ago.

Yeah, time goes slow in the joint, doesn't it?

[Chuckles]

The painting we got from your apartment is a forgery, which begs the question... where's the original?

Look, I'll tell you everything you need to know.

But first, I want immunity.

Immunity? That's what you want, huh?

[Laughing]

You allergic to eggs?

Uh, no.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Ow.

[Exhales sharply]

That wasn't so bad.

Now, where's the "Thumb"?

My brother has it.

He steals the art, and then I forge it.

He returns the forgeries back to the art gallery, and the police drop the whole thing.

He ends up with a multimillion-dollar art collection.

Why roll on him now?

[Voice breaking] Because he's a total...

d*ck! [Cries]

You don't have to deal with him no more, 'cause we are about to take Dr. Zaius down.

[Gasps]

Now, you're free to go.

[Grunts] Can someone un-cuff me?

You're not cuffed.

Oh. Great. Thanks.

You can validate your parking on the way out.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. No problem.

Don't move, Dr. Zaius!

[Thud]

You idiot! Do you see what you've done?!

That was a priceless Moravian vase.

It will take you a lifetime to pay...

It seems to be fine. How can I help you?

You're under arrest for stealing MacGuffin's "Thumb" from the Olsen-Medavoy Gallery.

Your brother ratted you out.

Don't be ridiculous. I haven't stolen anything.

Then how do you explain this?

I have no idea how that got there.

I'm being framed!

Officer, take him away.

♪

We did it.

Now let's get this thing back to a museum, where it belongs.

Everyone freeze!

You're out. Go sit down.

Un-freeze.

No tears. This one's a forgery, too.

Damn it.

But Randy said that Zaius had the original.

What, did he pull some kind of switcheroo?

[Both gasp]

Switcheroo!

Switcheroo!

♪

Randy Zaius, L.A.P.D.! Open the door!

Take it down.

Go! Go! Go!

Man: Go! Go!

Man 2: Keep it moving! Let's go!

Come on! Let's go! Go, go, go!

[Static]

It's Tanner. He isn't here.

[Randy sneezes]

[Screams]

Get him!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Punches landing]

You know, my first apartment out of the academy was way smaller than this one.

You don't say?

10 guys crammed into a 24-story walk-up.

And you know what the biggest pain in the butt was?

[Screaming]

Ohh!

Opening the damn fridge.

♪

It's Tanner. "Thumb's" up.

All right.

Looks like the "Thumb's" back up at the gallery.

All right.

I got to say you were pretty terrific back there.

You weren't bad yourself.

I feel like we're really finding our groove.

Mm-hmm.

My mom was right.

When you meet the right partner, you just know.

Mm-hmm.

In fact, you should meet my mom.

I've already told her so much about you.

Hmm.

Is it weird we don't have more pictures together?

I got to get out of here.

I'm not gonna let you run away from a good thing this time, Angie Tribeca.

[Sighs]

I got to go take a poop.

♪