01x03 - The Smoke Alarm Always Rings Twice

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Zoe Ever After". Aired January - February 2016.
"Zoe Ever After" follows a recently single mom stepping out of the shadow of her famous boxer ex-husband, while trying to balance dating, motherhood, a complicated relationship with her ex and fulfilling her dream of starting a cosmetics business.
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01x03 - The Smoke Alarm Always Rings Twice

Post by bunniefuu »

When you're getting back into the dating scene, it helps to be open-minded.


Hey, Zoe.

Um, your doorman isn't here, so I thought I'd buzz you directly, 'cause there's a sign here that says when the doorman is away to buzz occupant directly.

Ooh, that's Darius.

He might not be the sharpest Kn*fe in the drawer, but he's one of the finest.

Right. Very efficient.

Be right down, okay?



Is he digging in his nose?

You know I can see you, right?

Yeah, okay, I don't care how fine you are... my mind does not open that wide.

I, I can't. I, I, I can't.

I just wish that I could drop the name "Golden Gloves" from my line.

I mean, I just need something that represents me.


Not boxing and Gemini.

How about "Single and Alone"?

Ooh, I was talking about Pearl.

Hey. I hear you, girl, but from a branding point of view, it's the name you're known for.

Golden Gloves it is.

But I am done taking things from Gemini.

So I should tell him you won't be using the Hamptons house this weekend.

Almost done.

Okay, next order of business, the Sephora pitch.

sh**t, that's gonna have to wait, you guys.

I have to meet R&D to finalize nail color names.

Apparently Legal has a problem with "Take Me on the Sink Pink."

Don't forget you have a meeting for the Axis Gold fundraiser at 4:00.

Oh, I know, I'm late.

I got a lot of b*lls in the air.

I love ba...

Don't even think about it.

You are no fun while you multi-task.

Uh, why does my table look a sad botanical garden?

Uh, don't mind those.

I'm just auditioning centerpieces for the wedding.

Shouldn't you audition grooms first?

I have been.

I was gonna tell you about this date I went on with this guy I met online but you didn't even ask. Rude.

It was amazing.

Oh, girl, I am so glad that you're getting your hole card punched, but we're at work... and I can't believe I just the words "hole punched" to describe your dating life.

Look at you being fun again.

Welcome back.

... 'cause I wanna take both those ceiling panels down, so get me that 14-foot ladder from the truck. Thanks.

Hey, I didn't know you were in a meeting, Zo.

E. It's Zoe.

Oh, how do you spell that?


I'm just messing with you.

I've met black people with white names before.

Listen, I need to get into your ducts.

Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?

Can you show me your crawlspace?


Shut up.

Why did I even come into work today?

You know what? Who am I kidding?

Can you take me to someone who actually knows where the crawlspace is?

I know where the crawlspace is.

All right.

Raquel! Where's the crawlspace?

So, where did online guy take you?

And I don't mean over the sink.

We had dinner at Shisha.

Shi-shut-up! I love that place.

I was just there the other night.

That's a $200 date. Go on.

Oh, he is so fine.

He has these deep, soulful eyes that, when I look into 'em, I hear John Legend.

Oh, my God, girl, I love me some soulful eyes.

This one guy I met at the gym, his eyes are so soulful...


I can hear One Direction.

Do not judge me.

You hear what you hear, I hear what I hear.

Normally, I am not a tattoo girl, but my guy has this sexy tribal one on his arm.

Oh, my God, so does my guy!


Everyone's getting tribal tattoos these days.

I know! Normally, it's so cliché, but on my guy, it looks right.

My guy's super artsy.


He has a bird of paradise woven through his.

Because his mother's name is...



Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

We did not go out with the same guy!


No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not now.

No, wait.


Are you kidding me right now?

Oh, my God, I feel like I'm being Punk'd!

I know we're only training to defend your world title, but your wife wants to chitchat.

Hold the phone for me, Sal.


What's up?

The ladies from after school are coming over and the smoke detector won't stop beeping.

Ah. See, the girl don't want me to be her husband no more, but she still want me to be her handyman.

Did you press the reset button?

Uh... of course I did.

Just come fix it. Now.

Girl... Hey, hello?



Come on up!



Girl, why do you want to date someone who's gay?

Joseph's not gay.

He told me he likes to experiment.

Nothing wrong with that.

Oh, my God.

When I was in college, I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Listen, the bisexual man is a myth.

It was created by gay men who weren't ready to come out.

Don't be so judgey, this is New York.

People can swim with anyone they want.

But why you gotta dip into my pool?

Go put on your bathing cap and do the breaststroke where someone will appreciate it.

Oh! Don't you restrict me to a segregated pool when my "Nuptials by November" plan is on the line.

Now, let's say this pie chart is...


All the men in the New York dating pool.

Why do you wanna relegate me to this little slice of straight black men?

Why can't I sample the whole pie?

Because I've seen you at Costco with samples and it's not pretty.

Scarf and sunglasses.

Give me a break.

I like Joseph. We connected.

I am not gonna disqualify him just because... he's open-minded.

Well, I like him too.

And I don't want a slice.

I want the whole thing.

Okay, look...

We're all grown here... except you.

Why don't we lay it all out to Joseph and let him decide.

Fair enough.

But just to warn you...

I play to win.

So do I.

So may the best man...

Or woman...

... win.

So I tallied up the receipts from the benefit concert and we did almost twice the numbers we did last year.

Can I get a "what-what"?


Zoe, is that beeping gonna continue?

Because I'm gonna have a stroke.

I know, you guys, I'm really sorry.

Gemini is on his way over, though.

You do know we're divorced, right?

That must be so difficult for you, sweetie.

Actually, I'm holding it down pretty well.

I even lost ten pounds.

Not to mention that 185 pounds of d*ad weight.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what always helps me when I'm feeling sad?

I'm not sad.

Vodka. And speaking of, this iced tea could really use a bump.

Could you, Zoe?


Zo.. e.

What are you doing here?

Kinda early to be hitting the sauce, don't you think?

How did you get in?

Your husband told your doorman to let me in.

Excuse me.


Nobody's supposed to come up here unless I say so.

Well, you should tell that to your doorman, who also gave me your mail, and it looks like it's time for your prostate exam.

That's Gemini's.

I'm in the middle of something.

You need to go.

You sure about that?

Gemini said that he was gonna fix the alarm.

Well, Gemini just gave my company 18 months worth of work, so I'm doing this as a personal favor.

And... he's letting me borrow the yacht next week.

Oh... I miss the Naughty Yachty.

I think it's that one.

Who is that?


Um, I'm Miguel Maldonado.

Maldonado Building, Heating and Air.

We're based out of Jersey but we service the entire tristate area, ladies.

Maldonado Building, Heating and Air?


I've seen the commercial!

♪ When your pipes are bursting and not up to code ♪
♪ Call Maldonado and they'll lighten your load ♪

Se habla español.

10% off if you say "Jersey."




The smoke alarm.


These cookies taste different than the rum cookies from last year, Zoe.

Oh, they weren't rum cookies, Autumn.

You just dunked them in your rum.


Did you put gluten in the tapenade?

Oh, well, I'm pretty sure there's no wheat in olives, Carissa, but we'll find out if you go into shock.

Let's talk about the auction.

I've already got Gwen down for backstage passes to Fashion Week, and Zoe, of course, will be giving us those ringside seats and autographed boxing gloves, the ushe.

Actually, Poppy, about the "ushe,"

I wanna do something different this year.

How about a nice basket of Zoe Moon cosmetics?

My new Golden Gloves nail line is dropping, and we've got some really fun colors, y'all.

I can throw in a mani/pedi, a private session with one of my makeup artists.

I promise, it's gonna be fabulous.

That's a really cute idea, Zoe, and that would be a lovely auction item for a public school, but that's not who we are at Elsworth Academy.

We have a limited-edition Warhol, a cameo in the next Scorsese film.

We cannot have a bucket of nail polish sitting next to that.

It's a basket... of nail lacquer.

I think we'll go with Gemini's boxing package instead.

Eh, sorry. Not gonna happen.

Sweetie, we are so sorry for what you are going through with Gemini.

It just tugs at our heartstrings.

But this third-grade class trip could change our children's future and I, for one, will not live in a world where my little George Herbert Walker Reagan cannot study astronomy at Cape Canaveral.

The smoke alarm is fixed.

What do you say we auction off a date with a hot contractor?

Uhh! Must be electrical. I'll check the wiring.

I'll be right back, okay?

And we are not finished discussing the bucket...

I mean, the basket of nail polish...

I mean, lacquer.

She has really fallen apart since Gemini left.

Tragic. And she did not lose ten pounds.

No way.

Thanks for meeting us, Joseph.

I call him Joe.

I know this is a little awkward.

You're a little awkward.

Look, I'm just happy that you guys are cool with this.

How often do you meet two people in the same week that you connect with?

Or possibly one you connect with, the other one who reminds you of someone you slept with one drunken night in college.

The thing is, Valente and I work together, and we're kind of friends and we just can't be dating the same dude.

So basically, one of us has to quit you and I nominate Pearl.

But it's your decision.

Someone with those deep, rich, soulful eyes of yours are gonna make the right choice.

Flattery? That's all you got?

Let me tell you what I got.

Hold on.

College education, graduated with honors, started my own PR firm which I ran successfully until I decided to devote myself to my future self and my future man, who I'm hoping will be available November 13th.

But with me, you're getting a man with dreams.

Now I may work for Zoe Moon right now, but one day, I'm going to run her company.


Don't tell her I said that.

Mmm. I won't if you leave.

Joe, baby, over here you have a man who understands a man.

Oh, please. There is nothing like the warm embrace of a mature, curvaceous woman, especially one who knows how to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes so good you'll want to take a bath in it, and we would.

Wow. I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

We could just leave quietly and stick Pearl with the check.

Joseph, I think you need to choose before I k*ll Valente.

Well, as much as I enjoy spending time with you and all your curvaceousness...

You like it?

I'm just not trying to get married.


But I am trying to get a little something-something.

Yes! I told you I play to win. Yahtzee!

Here's a little pearl of wisdom for you.


Sometimes you have the right plumbing, sometimes you don't.

Oh. Sorry, Pearl.

Maybe the next bi.

Well, here's a little pearl of wisdom for you, Pearl.

The whole desperate thing is not a good look.

You want to bounce?

Yes, I do want to bounce... All night, in fact...

But let me just say, Pearl is not desperate.

She's just a woman with a plan.

Well, she wouldn't need a plan if she wasn't desperate, right?

Excuse me, who are you calling desperate with your soulful contact lenses?

Let me be clear about this.

When you insult this b*tch, you insult this b*tch, and we're both too pretty for that.

What he said. Bye-bye, Boo.


Get to stepping, Boo.

Yeah, we gotta split the check.

Get your ass out of here.

Oh, my God!

Cussing him out put me in the mood for karaoke.

Oh, my God, let's go sing a song with explicit lyrics.

I'm in the mood to hug you.

Oh, baby.

I may be focused but I am definitely not desperate, although I could make my pie chart a little bit smaller.

I totally agree. Now stop hugging me.

People might think I'm straight.

No, give it to me.


Come on.

I'm not with her.

How much longer, Miguel?


Thank God.

Hey, you know, if you're trying to hide, why don't you slide under your bed and I'll let 'em know you went out the window.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the catty wives of the Upper East Side.

They just handed you your ass and insulted your cookies.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Those are my friends.

Your friends? Really?

'Cause where I'm from, my friends are supportive.

Those women are trying to tear you apart.

They're like barracudas, and you, you're like a guppie.

I take that back.

What's the most irritating fish?

Listen up, Dr. Phil Donado.

I can handle those women.

Hey, I've run a company that has upward of 3-1/2 employees, if Valente isn't hung over.

I, sir, am no guppie. I'm a boss.

Let me ask you something.

How come a boss can't even stand up to her own friends?

Excuse me, your toilet is clogged.


There you go.

Gonna wipe her ass too?

I didn't care for that.

Sorry, guys. You know how hard it is to find good help these days.

So where were we?

Well, we were in the middle of handing out job assignments.

I don't know what you were doing in the bedroom with the repairman.

So I will be handling the VIP room, the ushe.

About the ushe, we know you're in a fragile state, but we decided that if you're not gonna do anything for the kids, you may as well do something for the environment.

You'll be in charge of coat check.

What does that have to do with the environment?

We don't want people's coats messing up our environment.


Zoe, whoever donates the most gets to choose their jobs first.

You donated lip balm, so you get a lip balm job.

You know what, Poppy?

I don't appreciate you sitting in here, disrespecting me and my products.

I'm just trying to raise money so that our kids can better understand the universe.

And I'm trying to understand why you have such a problem with me starting a business.

Uh, dear, we all have hobbies.

Oh, it is not a hobby. I mean, yes, I took some money from Gemini to get started, but I'm building my own business by my own self.

I mean, what'd y'all do all day? Go to yoga, then get a small non-fat half-caf soy cappuccino up in a medium cup?

Oh, yes, I see you, Carissa, 'cause I used to be you, but now I'm a working girl.

Not that kind, Poppy.

You're basically two double-D balloons tied to a stick.

And you are a walking advertisement for Betty Ford.

And you are nothing more than a desperate bag of Botox.

Now get the hell out of my house!

Wow. Someone finally found her voice and it's less annoying than a guppie.

Oh, God!

You know what? I'll take care of it.

Actually... here, follow me.

I am going to teach you how to do this.

All right, here. On the ladder.

Uh, bup-bup-bup. Take off your heels.

This is my good ladder.


There you go.

Open it up and clean the g*n around the cables.

With what?

Um, here.

Uhh! You don't blow your nose with that, do you?

Yes. Just clean around them.



Look at that.

That's it?

That's it.

Gemini made it seem like it was open-heart surgery.

Well, you teach a woman to fish.

Is that another guppie joke?

You know, my mother always says...

Ooh. What does that mean?

If them bitches don't pay your bills, don't pay them bitches no attention.

Hey, hey, whattup?


Everything good?

Oh yeah.

You took care of this little smoke detector thing or do I have to work my magic?

Uh, actually, your wife, I mean, your ex-wife took care of it.

I didn't have to do anything.

So what the hell do I pay you for then?

Whatever I can get away with.

Oh, by the way, I ran into your lady crew in the lobby.

I told the one with the frozen face that I would donate some boxing stuff to the auction, you know, gloves, ring side seats, the ushe.

Oh, snap.

Is that tapenade?

Oh yeah.


It's my favorite.

The girls loved it.


Sweet revenge.

It's a dish best served cold.

And gluten-free.

Good, uh?
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