02x08 - Holidays

Episode transcripts for the 2014 TV show "Almost Royal". Aired June 2014 to February 8, 2016.
"Almost Royal" follows the lives of two clueless British aristocrats who venture across the pond on their first trip to the U.S., where they interact with real-life, unsuspecting everyday Americans.
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02x08 - Holidays

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Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are back.

Reporting live for "News Today", I am Nerissa Knight at a private airport in California where English aristocrats Poppy and Georgie Carlton have arrived on U.S. soil.

Narrator: The royal siblings --

63rd and 64th in line to the English throne...

I'm Poppy.

Hello, Lisa Vanderpump.

...are still being followed 24 hours a day by a documentary crew.

Georgie, we share a common name.


And this time, they're joining the ranks of the Internet generation.

Hello, investigative journalist Poppy Carlton here.

...filming themselves as they embark on a cultural tour across the United States.

Are you ready?

3, 2 --

No, I'll do it. I want to do it.

3, 2, 1 -- record.

...as they investigate the subjects that define American life today.

We all know that the biggest and best holiday is Christmas.

Hello, Jesus, I'm Georgie. Lovely to meet you.

So, why are you here in the United States?

We're here to find out about American holidays.

Well, there's just so many holidays we've never even heard of.

Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Black Friday.

Americans will have a holiday at the drop of a hat.


I mean, who on earth is Martin Luther King?

I don't know, they just picked someone at random from the phone book and said, "Oh, fancy a day off, let's have it in honor of... Martin Luther King."

Narrator: Poppy and Georgia Carlton are investigating the American people's relationship with holidays, traveling around the country in their capacity as online commentators to find out who holidays are celebrated in the United States.

Okay, we're here in America for Thanksgiving day, which is not Christmas, and it's not as good, but it also exists.

It's just before Christmas, so if you think of Christmas as a lovely bit of heavy below-the-belt touching, Thanksgiving is just around the top through the clothes.

Yee-haw! Have a happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

So, what is the best thing about Thanksgiving?

This parade. This is my 22nd year.

My daughters and I have grown up on this parade.

Our first visitation was in --


What is the best thing about Thanksgiving?

Umm --



In England, we have food all year round.

It's not just one day of the year.

We just eat once a year.

Oh, really? You wouldn't think that looking at Americans.

Hey, hey, hey!

What does Thanksgiving mean?

Because Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ.

Is Thanksgiving when he was conceived?

No, Thanksgiving is a secular holiday.

It's not a --

A sexual holiday?

Secular -- a secular holiday.

Woman: We are so fortunate to be here in South Florida, and we are also lucky to have some special guests, all the way from England.

Joining us today, we have Poppy and George.

Hello, Americans.



Thank you, that's very kind.

We are looking forward to the parade.

Our father always said there are only really two types of people who should have a parade, and that was soldiers returning from w*r and h*m*.

And then we've got a little message to share with you that's very international.

I thought it'd be appropriate to say that some of you out there may have noticed that there are some wars going on in the world.

And some of you maybe thought, I don't actually want a w*r.


World peace, can I get a world peace?

World peace, can I get a girl, please?

All sorts of countries need peace.

Japan needs peace.


Africa needs peace.

Hey, what's up?

Ireland needs peace.

Gimme my dinner, you bloody woman!

America needs peace.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie have enlisted the help of American reality television star Whitney Port for a native insight into this diverse and complex nation.

I think you should say, "Hi, I'm Poppy," and then pause for a second, and then you introduce yourself.

And then she gives me plenty of room to introduce myself, yeah.

Yes, and then you say, "And we're here with --"

That's nice. Thank you, Whitney.

Hello, I'm Poppy Carlton.

And I'm Georgie Carlton.

And we're here with our new best friend, Whitney Port, to talk about American holidays.


Narrator: Georgie's first question is about America's biggest holiday.

What does Thanksgiving mean?

Thanksgiving is about, I think, a sense of community.

You know, when America was founded, there were Indians that had discovered the land.

What do you mean by Indians?

Because we have different types of Indians.

So, like, native Americans.

Okay, because I've got a friend, Parvet Patel.

He's Indian.


But he doesn't celebrate Christmas.

No, that's a different -- from a different part of the world, yeah.

One day at my school, he was fasting, and the teacher actually suspended him because he thought he had an eating disorder.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Yeah, but he didn't, it was just religion, from the -- 'cause he had a statue of an elephant.


Narrator: Poppy and Georgie have been invited by a regular all-American family to celebrate Thanksgiving at their home.

We thought it would be an honor for you to carve the turkey.

Oh, that would be marvelous if you'd let me carve the turkey.

That would be lovely.

You need to wash your hands first.

Oh, okay, yes.

I pick and fuss down there, so it's best --

Oh, well -- oh, oh!

Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Georgie's got a big head.

I've got a big head.

That's why Mummy was so upset when he was born.


So, we're gonna end up with four trays.

You want to separate the white, and you want to separate the dark.

So, you're splitting -- you're splitting the white -- you're splitting the white and the dark?


It's very American, very American.

No, no, no, because...

Some people prefer the white, and then others prefer the dark, so --

Poppy: Yeah, but you're not allowed to say that.

You're meant to say that you like everyone equally.

You want to see what's in the oven now?

Oh, my gosh.

That's how cooking is.

It's stir fry!

It's got rice and cauliflower and carrot and probably all Asian flavors.

It's called stuffing in America, though, stir fry.

My Thanksgiving's going really well, thank you.

I really like meeting lots of different people from all walks of life.

Man: So, you could take your apron off.

I really like wearing it.

I've never worn an apron before.

I've never done any cooking before.

You don't clean, you don't do dishes, nothing, huh?

I don't like it.

Who does this for you, your butler, your maid?


Your Nanny?

So you say, "Nanny, I want some breakfast."

I've got a bell in my room, and it goes down to the kitchen.

It's got a cord, so I pull it, and she knows to bring me my breakfast.

So you play with -- are they on like a puppet string, as well like the maids?

Not literally.

Oh, but basically.



Really nice.

Poppy: It was so lovely to see a family actually enjoying each other's company.

It was almost as though they'd all be there even if their inheritance didn't depend on it.


Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are taking time off from their royal duties to travel the United States, investigating the subject of holidays.

Hello, I'm Poppy Carlton. How do you do?

Poppy, nice to meet you. Will Chapman.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie have come to Louisiana to participate in a local tradition.

We're thrilled to have you here on Cajun Groundhog Day.

What is Groundhog Day?

Well, you know, Groundhog Day in the states is typically associated with Punxsutawney Phil up in Pennsylvania, and it's about winter.

And if he sees his shadow, he has six more weeks of winter.

But in South Louisiana, winter's not a big deal.

That's nice.

Here, it's about summer.

Before we get to Pierre's official call, every year, we honor some dignitary, and we invite them to be the grand marshal.

And this year, we have Poppy and Georgie Carlton, and we're so pleased and happy to have you guys with us today, and I'll invite you to say a few words before we get to the official call.

Georgie: Americans love getting together and being so loud and confident, so the holidays really are enjoyable for them.

And they never experience any of the family conflicts or desperate loneliness that accompanies almost all English celebrations.

There's also a lot of unfamiliar food hanging around.

Turkey, bacon, hams.

American holidays really are more about food.

One spends the entire day eating sufficient calories to give you the energy to spend the next day shopping.

We once had Black Friday sales in Thetford where we're from.

But it wasn't a huge success.

In the post office, there was such a run on discounted saucy post cards, that Mrs. Collins, the owner, had to start taking pictures of her downstairs and e-mailing them to her husband to print out and sell to everyone.

And that's why the groundhog is such an important symbol of American leisure life.

We're going to now ask you to make the official call.

We need to know, shadow, or no shadow?

Could we both say it?

You can both say it.

You got to say it together, though.

We can't have a split decision.

No, no.


We don't have a groundhog in England.

We can normally tell the weather from our Nanny's nipples.

[LAUGHS] All right.

Well, Nanny's not here this morning, so Pierre is.

Can y'all encourage him?

Yeah, just push him out with sticks.


All right, well, what do you think?

Shadow or no shadow?

We say it together?

Say it together.

3, 2, 1.


No shadow.

No, I said shadow! Georgie, there's a shadow!


Under him.

That was absolutely brilliant.

Really, really gripping.

They should make a film about it.

You know in England how it's just Christians?


In America, they have all sorts of different religions.

Have you heard of Jews?

Yeah, I saw that years ago.

It was so scary at the end when they're on that boat, and he's just swimming around them.

No. No.

Do you have a favorite holiday?

Do you guys know about Hanukkah?


In terms of Hanukkah, it's eight days, and you're supposed to get a present on each night.

That sounds lovely.


That was always my favorite holiday growing up.

If I had a holiday, I think it'd probably be -- can you say a holiday for yourself?

Like, Poppy day?


Like a Poppy day.

I think that's pretty narcissistic.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know what narcissistic means.

Like, really self-involved.



It's one of my strengths because everybody always says, you need to put yourself first.

Like with the gas mask, you've got to put it on you before the child.


And also -- you mean the oxygen mask.


Not gas mask.

Yeah, that would k*ll you.

Narrator: The Carltons have been invited to a local synagogue to experience an orthodox Jewish festival.

This is the New Orleans synagogue where I think we'll find a lot of Jews hanging out, probably.

Georgie, you don't say Jews, you say "J-word."

Oh, goodness, sorry. I'm not really up to date on the lingo one should be using.

We're here to celebrate the festival of Tu b'shevat.

I don't know too much about J-words, but I do know they're not allowed to eat bacon, so they're definitely a people who have suffered rather a lot.


Hi, uh, Poppy, I presume?

Poppy, yeah, how do you do?

And Georgie, I presume?

Hello, lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Thank you for having us.

Thank you for having us.

You don't have to -- Georgie, you don't have to wear a yarmulke, but if you want to.

What's that?

Like a keyboard?

We wear it -- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, like a Yamaha.

Jewish men have the custom to wear it on our heads to recognize God's presence.

Am I wearing it right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect, perfect.


Should we -- let's go, and actually show us around.

What is the event?

We're having a Tu b'shevat Seder.

And what does that mean?

What does that mean in English?

So, Tu b'shevat is the Jewish new year for trees, and so we are having a Seder that's organized around four cups of wine with four different types of fruit.

Are you preparing it in here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we could help.

Oh, yeah, that would be great.

Thank you very, very much.

It smells lovely.

What fruit are you preparing here?

Pawpaw or papaya, depending where you come from.

So, is this a Jewish fruit?

Not specifically.

You'll find them everywhere.

Narrator: It's time for Poppy and Georgie to mingle with the other guests.

What do you do?

What do you do?

I'm a writer and a professional speaker.

They actually had me speak over here for the Martin Luther King day celebration.

Oh, that's nice.

Was he Jewish?

No, he was a Christian.

But did he come here to the fruit party?

No, no. He might if he was still alive, but no.

The first cup is all -- is all white grape juice or wines.

What about you, Helen? Did you have a nice Christmas?

My daughter and some of my grandchildren are Christian, so I celebrate Christmas with them and Hanukkah.

Mixed race family.

Mixed religion, yes.


My friend, Duffy, went out with a Chinese girl once.

Did that work out?



He said everything was as he expected and as you've all heard.

I'm not sure what that means.


God save the queen.

Georgie and Poppy, thank you so much for joining us.

We might have to go soon because fruit gives me a bit of a runny tummy.

We're going to have to make a lot of stops on the way home for Georgie.

Also to buy a proper dinner.


We're church of England, which means you can do what you like.

You're what?

Church of England.

Okay, right.



Which means you can sort of do what you like in life, as long as right at the end, you just say, "I'm sorry."

I'm so sorry.

But you have to believe that there are consequences for your actions, right?

There are if you forget to say sorry.

So, what about, you k*ll someone, and you say, "I'm sorry," and you're forgiven?

You might have to go to jail still because Christians still have to go to jail.

Yeah, and the only thing that can get you out of that is connections. My friend, Milly, her daddy's in the cabinet, and they're not religious, but she's gotten out of jail twice.

By connections?

Yeah. Her father.

She's a really good friend to have, really useful.

Narrator: As part of their royal tour of America, Poppy and Georgie are participating in various American traditions and holidays.

They can argue all they like, all these different religions.

Jews, Catholics, Buddhas, Muslims, all of these chaps, but we all know that the biggest and best holiday is Christmas.


My friend, Duffy, was quite religious, do you remember?

He finger-banged a girl in the chapel.



That's what he calls the a-list.

Man: I just wanted to announce, we're gonna have a couple of guests with us tonight.

We have -- down here, we have Georgie, and we have Poppy.

Narrator: Georgie and Poppy have been invited to play extras in a lavish production of the nativity at the world-renowned first baptist church of Fort Lauderdale.

We're gonna show up.

We're gonna go full out for the glory of God.

We're gonna be in our place, and we're gonna be ready. Amen?

Narrator: With just an hour to go before the performance begins, Poppy and Georgie are told what is expected of them.

I want you to be on that side of her.

I want you to be stage left of her, right off of her side.

As he becomes more visible to us, we'll kind of make interaction.

We'll say, oh, that's Jesus of Nazareth, do you know who he is?

And kind of make some kind of commotion about his presence.

And we should say things.

We should say things out loud?


Facts we know?

But the true ones.


Also, we'll have two people on stage hidden with headsets that I'll be talking to from up there.

So, if you have somebody come up alongside you and say, "I need you to move with me upstage," follow that person.

Like the secret service?


And that's it.


Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, welcome your host, our senior pastor.


Welcome to the 31st annual Fort Lauderdale Christmas pageant.

Narrator: The show begins, and Poppy and Georgie take to the stage.

We've not had our candle lit.

♪ Jesus lord at they birth I think we should ask her to light our candles.

Thank you so much.

Santa Claus.

Absolutely stinks here.


It's hard to clap with a candle.

God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world.

Is he a baddie, that man?


Mine won't go out. Why won't it go out?

Blow harder. Blow harder, Poppy.

Behold, the lamb of God!

He takes away your sins!

Poppy: It's Jesus!

Georgie: The man from the dressing room.

I met him in the toilet. He was having a wee.

Georgie: Oh, sorry. Will people be jealous of it?

Poppy: It's really expensive.

Georgie: Oh, here he comes.

Poppy: Jesus is wearing makeup.

Hello, Jesus, I'm Georgie. Lovely to meet you.

How do you do? I'm Poppy. Nice to meet you.


Oh, no, it's a nutter!

Jesus, I realize I've left my shoe over there.


He's left his shoe.

Jesus, I've left my shoe.



I can't hear you because of my ear -- I had to cover my ears.

Oh, it's like "Lion King."


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