01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

(music plays)

(music stops)

What time is it?

Um, I'm gonna say, we got noon right now?

12:30?

What is this?

What?

This.

Why is this like this?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Well, you closed last night, so...

Yeah, um... I don't know, who cares?

I'll clean it up.

I just don't-- I don't know why you left a big pile of rags right there.

Uh, I had to close, and yeah, so there's a pile of rags that I left, and I'll clean it up before we open.

How's this a mystery?

Pete, the place is always perfect every time you close, so I thought you must have a reason.

So, I didn't.

Okay.

I must've just gotten tired last night and I didn't finish.

Okay, Pete, you know, I don't really care.

I'm not-- it's not like I'm judging you.

Well, you are.

You know, I'm actually saying it's because you're so good at your job, that's why I'm saying--

Well, you know, it's like-- it's like a pyramid of rags, it's like you decided to put a pyramid of rags here.

And you're really good at closing, that's why--

You know, you understand, that's like a compliment, I'm saying, you're so good, why is that like that?

That's all.

Okay, I would rather you say that I just f*cked up, all right, and that I didn't do my job well than to infer that I would do something like this that-- for a reason.

I don't like what that infers.

Okay.

Well, uh, you did a shitty job of closing last night.

Okay, thank you.

You want coffee?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, this is good.

Why is this good?

I ordered some beans from the computer.

Yeah, I like it.

What time is it?

It's like getting close to 1:00.

Hey, it's Dad. Can you please call me back?

Just trying to reach you. Okay, thanks.

What time are they coming today?

I don't know, around 5:00, I think.

f*ck.

I know.

(woman)

Horace?

Hi.

Oh.

Hey.

I didn't know where you went.

I got out of the shower and you were just--

You were just gone and--

I was all around the apartment calling your name, but you just vanished.

Well, I was down here, I was-- I was opening up.

Yeah. Hi Pete, good morning.

Hi, Rachel, good morning.

Come here.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, bye.

Okay.

I will see you later tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Should I open you up?

Yeah, just go ahead and leave it open, we're open, so open it.

Thank you.

Bye.

(door opens)

Thanks.

It's 1:00.

(male newscaster)

This is Headline News Update.

Hey, man. Can I get a coffee, black?

(female newscaster)

Here's our top stories that we're looking at for today.

Candidates are gearing up for the nation's first primaries and the caucus tomorrow night in Iowa.

Donald Tr*mp still leading the polls ahead of Ted Cruz.

At a rally today in Des Moines, Tr*mp's supporters said that he is the man...

(volume lowers)

Tr*mp, Jesus.

What?

Wait, why not Tr*mp?

'Cause he's a... jerk.

Drops out of the debates, and I don't know, I think he'd ruin this country.

Okay. So? Why not that?

Like, what's so f*cking great about this country?

Listen, man, if we vote for him, that just means we want to go down, so let us go down.

Yeah, I guess.

Hi, Marsha.

Hey, Pete.

Yeah, listen, nothing lasts forever, man, you know?

That's just how a democracy declines, right?

The populace degenerates until they elect a guy like that and he just ruins what's left.

I mean, we used to be great.

We used to be-- have a great work force.

We used to be educated.

We used to pretend to be moral, right?

Now everything's made in China by f*cking babies.

Everybody's stupid on purpose and nobody gives a sh*t about anything except consumer pleasures, so why not Tr*mp?

Let's just get this sh*t over with.

That should be his slogan.

"Tr*mp: Let's get this sh*t over with."

Hi, honey, um, I keep going to voicemail when I call you and then you keep texting me, and I really don't want to text with you, so can you please not text and-- and pick up the phone, okay?

Thank you.

(phone alert)

Jesus Christ.

(music plays)

Hey, Nick.

Hey, who do you got for the Super Bowl?

I don't know, I don't have a dog in the fight this year, you know?

So I guess it comes down to quarterbacks this year for me.

Kinda old school, versus new.

I like Peyton Manning, that's what a quarterback is supposed to look like, you know, like a-- like a senator with a busted nose from the '50s.

Not a-- I'm not a big Cam Newton fan.

Oh, Jesus.

Cam Newton, that f*cking guy makes me nuts.

I mean, that--

Grinning like a monkey all the time, jumping around, show boating.

I mean, why is there no humility left in this sport, huh?

Yeah, but how can you tell that he's-- that he's grinning with his-- when he has his helmet on?

Well, you can see it.

You can't tell he's grinning.

What the f*ck-, what are you talking about?

You can see the grin a mile away.

All he does is grin.

Stop it.

Oh, shut up.

You guys are just afraid of an exuberant black man, that's all it is.

(Nick)

Oh, got me pegged.

I don't know, I like the Super Bowl.

You know, because of all the cheering and the-- people get excited.

(music stops)

Leon.

Thanks, Pete.

Hello, Marsha, you need another one?

Always.

(woman)

I'm not going if she's there.

I think she's a dumb bitch.

No, I'm at this bar.

I don't know, just having a drink.

Turn that off.

You want to make a telephone call, go over there.

Sorry, um... can I have a double Jack?

Hey, Pete, um... listen, you know, my sister's coming later with her lawyer to hash everything.

Yeah, I know.

So I was thinking that maybe you shouldn't be here.

Why's that?

Because I-- sometimes, when there's a conflict, you can be-- you can be kind of an assh*le, and I just don't want to deal with it.

Look, I'm not--

I'm not trying to insult you, I just--

You're not insulting me.

Okay, well, there's a lot at stake here.

Oh, yeah?

The whole place is at stake, Pete.

The whole place?

Yeah.

Hey, Horace.

Oh, f*ck.

First of all, f*ck you, you dumb cocksucker.

Maybe you're afraid of your f*cking sister, but I'm not afraid of your f*cking sister.

All right, Pete.

And I'll tell you what else, you miserable c**t.

Jesus Christ, man, all right.

No, you know what? I'll be here if I feel like it.

I mean, when did you start being the one to tell me where to go and what to do, what to say?

Jesus Christ, cocksucker.

All right, all right.

You know the thing with you, Horace?

You're not a cocksucker, you're a piss ant.

All right, do what you want.

Oh, oh, oh...

You do what you want.

Walk away, walk away.

Yeah, I'm walking away.

Piss ant.

You know what a piss ant is--

Leon, you know what a piss ant is?

I feel like I know.

A piss ant is an insect that has no value, but it smells like piss.

You know, at least a cocksucker can do something.

Suck cock.

But a piss ant just sits there in the door jamb, smelling like piss.

I was wrong, I thought it was a kind of car.

Why'd you do that?

I was trying to make things easier.

Well, it felt like you made things harder.

I mean, you had to know it was gonna go that way.

Why'd you do it?

I didn't know.

How could you not know?

You walk up to Uncle Pete and say, "Don't come tonight because you're an assh*le?"

And then he says what? "Okay, Horace?"

I mean, it feels like you did that on purpose.

I-- oh, you're saying this because of what I said about the rags.

That's why you're giving me this sh*t now?

How did I end up with a piss ant for a nephew?

I mean, his father, Horace VII, he wasn't a piss ant, right, Marsha?

I never heard him described that way.

Oh, but now get his piss ant son Horace telling me I gotta get lost because he's afraid of his sister coming over here with her Jew lawyer.

Um, that's pretty r*cist.

Um, r*cist is what you do, not what you say.

This place ain't r*cist.

We served coloreds here in the '30s.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, nobody would serve boogies in those days.

I got a picture of a n*gg*r sitting right there in that stool, in 1930.

You look at that and call me a r*cist.

Ugh, God damn it, Jesus.

Don't worry, he'll run himself down.

f*ck.

My father, Pete VI, he used to say, "If n*gg*r*s drink beer, then we're all n*gg*r*s."

r*cist, I'll give you f*cking r*cist.

That guy's a nightmare.

Don't come in here, then.

How about I come in here and he stops being a gross r*cist?

Why is that not an option?

What I would love is if you were to shut up.

Oh, my God.

Hi, it's Dad, leaving you another message.

Please don't text me.

I am not gonna respond to your texts, okay?

So please call me on the phone.

I don't want to communicate with you that way, please.

Thank you.

Whoa!

What was that? What happened.

Oh, uh, nothing, nothing, I'm sorry.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm just...

What does it mean that you're an assistant D.A.?

I never really knew what that meant.

Well, the district attorney, Ken Thompson, he runs the office and he directs what kinds of cases and what cases we bring to court, and assistant district attorneys like myself bring the cases to court.

How many assistant D.A.s are there?

In Brooklyn, about 800.

Oh, that's weird.

Why is that weird?

I don't know, that's weird, like, it seems like a lot?

I thought it was an impressive thing, like, you're the D.A.'s assistant, but there's a bunch of you all doing the same thing.

Hundreds of you. It's just not as--

Yeah, it's not impressive, I didn't say it was.

I know, I'm just saying, I thought it sounded like a big sh*t job.

No, I didn't say it was a big sh*t job, I mean, you asked what I do, that's all.

Yeah, but when you're talking about your job, you're saying, "Like, you know, like, look at me. This is what I do, this is something special, like, I'm the D.A.'s assistant. You know, like, I work for the city, and I put away bad guys and it's just, you know, me and him."

But there's just, like, a bunch of you all doing the same thing.

Have you even ever met the D.A.?

Uh, no, I haven't, all right?

It's not impressive, I didn't say it was.

It's just my job, that's all.

But you have to figure that the D.A. was once an assistant D.A., right?

And he worked his way up, so you can work your way up and then someday, right?

Not really.

Why not? Why not really?

Well, because, when he was an A.D.A., he was probably in his late 20s, and now he's still younger than me, so I'm not going anywhere.

It's just a job, that's all.

So how old are you, anyways?

I'm almost 50.

So how come you're 50 and you're still doing that?

Oh, my God. This is like a total dive bar.

This place is amazing.

Where are all these f*cking people coming from?

Outside, I hope.

Can I get, um, two vodka martinis?

No mixed drinks.

What?

No mixed drinks.

Beer, whiskey, gin, vodka.

Oh, um...

Hi, Alice.

Hi, Uncle Pete.

Is my dad around?

Yeah, he's in the back trying to get you on the phone.

I know. How are you?

I'm, uh... yeah, good. How's your mom?

She's, you know.

Hey, I found some old pictures of you that I took when you were a baby.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

I was just cleaning up my room and there's a lot of old stuff in there and I found these old pictures of me when I was, like, ten, and of you when you were a baby and-- and some old black & white photos from, I don't know, way back when, that somebody took in the family.

And there's just-- there's just so much old stuff in there, you know?

Nice. You doing okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm great, yeah.

So nice to see you.

Yeah, we never see you anymore.

You gonna-- you gonna come by for Easter?

Um, I don't know.

Hadn't really thought about it, so.

Oh, all right, well, uh... it's nice to see you and your dad's over there in the phone zone.

Okay, thanks, Pete.

sh*t!

Hi, Marsha.

Is that Alice?

Yeah, hi.

Oh. Are you here to see your daddy?

Yep.

Kiss.

Oh, um... no, thank you.

Oh, you don't want to kiss your grandma?

Well, you're not my grandma.

You were my dad's dad's last girlfriend, so...

Well, that never stopped you before.

I mean, you always used to kiss me.

Yeah, I think that was before I figured out that I don't have to, so.

I never-- I never really liked it.

(whispers)

Wow. Huh?

That's really mean. That's really mean, Alice.

I didn't think you could be mean.

Sorry, Marsha, I'm not trying to be mean.

Well...

You should try it sometime.

You have an aptitude.

Dad.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

I was just close by so I just came over.

Well... I just didn't--

I just didn't want to text with you, I wanted to talk on the phone.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

Well, I'm here in person, so it's better, right?

It's just, you could have called me, it would have been okay for--

What do you want me to do, Dad?

You want me to step outside and call you?

Is that more in your comfort zone?

No, it's okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry. Um... hey.

Hi.

You want to sit down?

Sure.

Is Pete okay?

Yeah, yeah, why?

I don't know, just-- he seems a little...

Yeah, he's okay, he's all right.

Dad.

Hey, so, look, I just--

I've just been trying to reach you because, I don't know, I feel like you're mad at me.

What?

Yeah, I feel like--

Yeah, I just-- I get this feeling like-- like, we didn't have a fight or anything, but something--

It just feels like something happened that you're--

Like, did I-- is there something that I--

No, it's--

I'm sorry, I'm--

I just, I-- I feel a bad feeling between us.

Yeah, I-- I just--

Do you want to get into this right now?

I'm just trying-- I'm just saying that I--

I'm getting a feeling like something's wrong, and so I'm coming out and saying something.

Isn't that-- is that a bad thing?

Yeah, yeah, it is, it's kinda shitty, Dad.

Whoa.

"Whoa" what?

You asked the question, do you want to know the answer?

What did I do?

Oh, my... f*cking God.

What?

You know--

Honey, I don't--

No, it's like, you are not aware of anything, you know?

You, like, look at a person's face, and if they're smiling, you're fine, and if they're not, then you're sad.

It-- isn't that normal?

Yeah, for a five-year-old, but you're 50, you know?

And there are reasons why I need some boundaries.

I-- Why? I don't understand.

I don't--

Okay.

Nothing happened. Did something happen?

Okay. There's this tortoise and a frog.

Is this like a joke or a story?

So, there's this tortoise and a frog and they live together in kind of, like-- like a swamp, you know?

And one day, the frog eats the tortoise's eggs.

He eats his eggs?

Her eggs.

What does--

So she cooks some eggs and then he made her breakfast.

The tortoise laid eggs, the tortoise didn't-- how would a tortoise cook eggs?

I don't know, you're talking about them like they're people, so I don't understand what the rules are of this story.

Okay, so the tortoise laid eggs.

Okay.

That's how she has babies.

And you know, the tortoise, she protects her eggs.

Yeah.

And one day, the frog is hopping by and it eats the tortoise's eggs.

sh*t.

Yeah, it's bad.

And then the next day, the frog is hopping by and it's her best friend... and you know, the tortoise is looking kind of pissed at the frog.

And the frog says, "Why are you mad at me?"

Okay. I get it.

You know?

Yeah.

Like, you are my dad, so I'm-- like, my brother won't even say your name and I'm trying.

You know, like, I like to see you, I like to come around, I like to have you in my tech cycle.

Yeah.

But that's my choice.

And, like, you don't-- you don't make me smile, because of stuff that we both know about.

So I don't know what you want me to say, and I don't know what you want me to do.

You want me to just smile so that you can feel good?

It wouldn't k*ll you, would it?

Yeah, it would, actually, I don't want to smile.

I'm not gonna smile.

That's because you're fat.

It's not your fault, Horace.

I mean, she won't smile because you're unhappy, right?

I mean, you're unhappy because you're overweight.

Uh, thank you so much, Marsha, thanks.

Yeah, you know, I mean, it's all right.

It's just-- you should smile for your daddy, don't blame him.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, could you--

You're overweight.

Marsha, shut up, please.

Hey, shut up.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk to her like that.

If you don't want to be fat--

She's calling my daughter fat.

Shut up! If you don't want to be fat--

Well, look at her.

She's bigger around the middle than everybody else.

Both of you, please-- please shut up, both of you.

Hey, Alice.

You know, your Aunt Reeny was fatter than you.

She loved life.

God damn it.

No, really, remember her?

Yeah.

She was a happy fat girl.

I'm just saying, it's possible.

Okay. Okay, Pete.

And what about Cassie, your daughter, my dad's cousin Cassie?

What about her?

What is that supposed to mean?

What? You trying to make me feel bad because my daughter d*ed?

I was trying to be nice to you.

You should enjoy being a fat girl, it's not a bad thing.

There.

Thank you.

This has been a very nice visit and a real joy.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where-- how-- how-- how are you doing?

What?

I mean, how are you?

That's all I just want to ever say is how you doing?

Are you okay? Have you been okay?

I mean, no, not really.

You're not? What's going on? What's wrong?

I'm losing my apartment.

Why?

Because I was paying my rent to my roommate and she wasn't paying the landlord, so...

What was she doing with the-- with the money?

Just being a piece of sh*t.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I'm-- and I have to start studying for the bar, so I'm just-- I'm f*cked.

Move in here with me.

No.

Why not? That's a great idea.

I have plenty of room upstairs.

No.

I got rooms.

Dad, I'm not gonna live with you.

This is a solution to the problem.

I'm saying--

No.

I can-- I can do that for you.

No, that's psychotic.

Why?

Because.

I'm not gonna live with you doing your whole thing.

It's Rachel. You don't like Rachel?

I mean...

You don't like Rachel.

That's not fair to her and that's not fair to me.

I'm just saying, if Rachel didn't live here, then you could move in with me.

Oh, my f*cking God, okay.

Spend time together.

Jesus. Bye!

Bye, everyone. Thank you.

(whispers)

f*ck.

This place is toxic.

She's-- she's like-- she's got this wall between me and her.

I don't know.

I mean, I don't have kids, but it seems to be fundamental, you just need to make an effort.

What effort am I not making?

I just asked her to move in with me.

Well, that's a grand gesture, but isn't parenting more about, you know, like, the everyday things?

Everyday. Small things, you-- you take her to lunch, you listen to her.

One day at a time, you see what grows.

You know, Pete, you don't have kids, so maybe-- you know?

All right, well, I'm just saying.

You know, maybe don't.

Horace, Horace.

What?

Horace.

What?

What?

Oh, sh*t.

Nothing, nothing. It was nothing.

Nothing?

Pete, what is going on with you?

You're taking your Probitol, right?

Well, I ran out.

You ran out?

What do you mean you ran out?

They changed my insurance again and then they were supposed to send me new cards, and they didn't, and I f*cked up 'cause I didn't call.

And that sh*t is $100 a pill without the insurance.

Yeah.

You're out? Are you out?

I got distracted last month when it happened, and I was supposed to take care of it and I didn't and I-- and then I--

Now I'm less cognizant, you know, but what I'm doing is I'm taking less pills.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Just to spread it out.

Pete, that doesn't work that way.

Well, I got-- I got one left.

That's it?

Yeah, so I'm just gonna wait.

This is my last 12 hours of sanity.

Wait for what, Pete?

We have to take you to the doctor.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why?

They take-- if I go to a doctor, I'm so full of symptoms, he's gonna send me right back to the hospital, all right?

That I don't need, I'm just--

Horace, it's--

I feel like I'm, you know, dying here.

Like I'm slipping into the crazy land.

Well, Pete, we gotta take care of it, we just have to take care of it.

No, it's not your problem, it's my problem.

It's very much my problem and it's gonna become more my problem, too, right?

So give me your sh*t, what do you have?

You gotta get your paperwork and get me involved.

I have it, I-- it's-- this is the-- that's the old insurance company.

Okay.

But they sold my policy to someone else and I don't know who to call.

I got it, I got it, okay?

All right.

sh*t.

What the hell is this?

Oh, my God.

This bar is so old, it's amazing.

Hey.

Hi, can we get two Coronas?

All right, all you people, out, now.

Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you-- what are you doing?

There's too many people in here.

There hasn't been this many people since the bar opened 100 years ago.

Come on, bar's closing, let's go.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't throw out our customers.

Hey, these aren't our customers, these people want martinis and Coronas.

God damn it, Pete, what the f*ck is wrong with you?

What, what, do you think you can run this place without me?

You're not running it!

Get out!

Get out! Get-- Get out, get out!

Pete. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Pete!

Get out!

Hey, hey, hey...

Hey, Pete!

Get out!

What the f*ck?

Hey, take it easy! There's nobody there!

Pete.

Jesus Christ.

sh*t.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

What kind of a person acts like that?

He's off his medication.

Well, put him in a cage or something for Christ's sake, we got customers here.

(Kurt)

Man, that sh*t was intense.

What happened? What did you see?

It's a-- like a snake-headed thing, it was horrible, big teeth.

(Leon)

Did you get rid of it?

Excuse me.

Uh, is this really Horace & Pete?

Yeah, this is Horace & Pete's.

Well, I just can't believe that this place is still here.

Is it still run by a Horace and a Pete?

Yes, I'm Horace, this is Pete.

That's a previous Pete, Uncle Pete.

What, you used to come here or what?

Yeah, I used to come here when I was a kid. My mother would send me here for a pail of beer for my dad.

Yeah, we used to sell beer pails out the back.

Yeah, and I-- I came here to get my first beer.

And I met my wife here. She was sitting... in that stool. Yeah, and we were-- we were married for years, and I-- I was happy. And then I heard that she was sleeping with my best friend. And so I showed up here one night and she was sitting in that stool, again, with my best friend kissing her, and I just sh*t them both dead. That was back in 1961. I just got out of-- got out of jail today.

(man whimpers)

(sobbing)

Is that guy really there?

Yeah, he's there.

Hey, you want a beer? You want a beer?

Yeah.

What's the last one you had since 1961?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

(man vocalizing)

♪ Horace and Pete ♪♪

Yes. Yes.

What-- what are they saying?

I'm on hold, he's not saying anything.

You okay?

No.

Why don't you take the last one?

Because, then, after that, I'm...

Okay.

I just want to wait.

All right.

They're gonna be here soon, we should get down there.

The accountant's already down there talking to Pete.

Well, that's not good.

I know.

I'm telling you, we should get down there.

You're not going anywhere, I'll take care of it.

Well, you're gonna need me down there, Horace.

What's that?

Yes, yes, please. Yes, okay.

Uh, so can you-- can you send the new cards?

'Cause that's the whole thing is that we need the cards.

You conservatives are trying to find something in Hillary's e-mails because you have nothing real to say about her.

You're incapable of a real debate.

Yeah, well, the problem with you liberals, you think you're the good guys, you think that gives you a pass to do random criminal acts, you know?

Ooh, I-- I saved an owl, now I can go k*ll a baby.

That seems like-- you must know that's not true.

It's kind of an interesting thing, the way you guys define yourselves and each other.

Liberal, conservative.

How would you define a liberal?

Like, to you, what is a liberal?

Just P.C., f*cking fake, animal rights, and gay agenda, always pushing the liberal agenda.

They hate Christians and they hate white men.

You know why? 'Cause they don't think it through.

And they think they're better than everyone else and that they should tell everyone else how to think.

They're just f*cking assholes.

Okay. How would you define a conservative?

Uh, just Jesus everything and they hate gay people and r*cist but pretending they're not, and they're selfish and they only care about money and they think everyone has to do their conservative Christian sh*t.

See, the fact that you start out by seeing each other like that, I mean, how could you possibly ever respect each other or agree on anything?

Yeah, well, they do that, I don't.

(scoffs)

You just said you do.

You just described us with a string of insults.

Just like you did.

Yeah--

Okay, okay, okay. This is getting interesting.

Now, you, define conservative.

Conservative means values.

Having values and sticking to 'em and defending what's right and not just saying what somebody said is right that year, you know what I mean?

There's-- there's things in this world that are right and wrong and always have been.

And you have to respect where this country came from, and you have to hold on to that.

And the fact that country and God and life, those are all sacred things.

And people should respect each other, and government is there to facilitate, all right?

It's not there to control people.

And the way you get the best out of people is to make room for their strengths, not by overcompensating for their weaknesses.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

That sounds like something most people can respect, right?

Yeah.

Now, define liberal.

Just being open to things outside yourself, having your eyes open and thinking about others, and being aware that our planet is precious and we're responsible for that.

And people need to listen to each other.

And be decent and tolerant and that a diverse community is a strong community.

And sometimes the little guy needs a hand.

And we're a strong enough country to do that, and so we should.

Okay, how's that sound?

Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Yeah? So, if you start by taking his definition of himself and he starts with your definition of you, don't you stand a better chance, have a better sh*t at getting to some sort of consensus?

(scoffs)

Who said they want that?

Well, that's another thing.

They're not trying to reach an agreement.

This is f*cking sports.

Hillary Clinton is a c**t, and I'm a liberal.

(chuckling)

Look, do you know how lucky we are to live in this country?

You think this conversation is happening in a bar in any other country?

God, I hope not.

Give me a f*cking break.

This country is not that great.

It's not even a democracy anymore.

Then go live in Afghanistan, you got the f*cking beard for it.

You know what the sad thing is?

This country has such potential.

It's not a democracy, you're right.

But it could be, tomorrow.

If the people woke up, they could change the whole thing.

The whole system's set up and waiting.

It's just sitting there like exercise equipment, waiting to be touched while your fat ass watches TV.

If everybody woke up tomorrow and said, "We're not gonna spend another f*cking dollar or cast another vote or fight another bullshit w*r until we get our fair share," that sh*t would change tomorrow.

But it f*cking won't, and the framers knew this.

That's the sick part.

They were sitting in their little room with their buckled shoes.

And one of them, probably Jefferson, because he had the clearest head from blowing all his jizz on sl*ve faces, said, "Hey, the way to control these people is not to suppress them. That doesn't work anymore."

That's right, that's what history shows us.

Look at the French. Look at Cromwell.

They knew that every time you give the control to the people, all of the control, they don't want it, they give it right back.

Because they're f*cking sheep.

Those are Frenchmen.

The reason the few and the rich control all the power is because the many poor and stupid let them.

They're too afraid to try to succeed at anything, they want to dream about rich people and never be one.

It's pathetic.

And then you sit here doing your little "Punch and Judy" puppet show, as if it matters if you're a liberal and you're a conservative.

You're both suckers.

Sheep suckers!

There you go.

Sheep suckers!

Sheep suckers.

Sheep suckers.

Oh, she's my favorite.

Hey, I'm Horace.

Um, you need some information?

Yeah, actually, I'm having trouble finding, really, any information in these books.

Okay, well, what do you need to know?

Okay, well, what do you pay your employees?

I mean, we don't have a waitress or anything, we just have--

You know, he's the bartender.

Okay, what's his salary per week?

I don't know. I mean, it's whatever he takes.

Takes?

Yeah, he just goes--

He takes out of the register at the end of the day, he keeps what he needs and then he takes the rest to the bank.

Okay. How much did he take this week?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

Excuse you what?

I've just been informed that you help yourself to the company profits at your own discretion.

So would you mind telling me how much you paid yourself this week?

Yes, I would mind, very much.

Okay, well, I need to know.

No, you don't.

Look, I was sent here to examine the--

Yeah, yeah, you were sent here. I didn't send for you.

You have no right to come in here and ask me these personal questions.

Except it's not a personal question.

Oh, no, it's not?

You're asking me how much money I have.

How about I ask you if you like to f*ck little boys?

See? See what that feels like?

Okay.

So your bartender's salary is undeterminable.

Yeah, yeah, I would say that.

And how do you justify that?

Well, the lights are on and the place has been open for 100 years.

Got it.

Okay, also, I've noticed a strange discrepancy in your inventory and sales ledger.

You can see here, it shows that you buy a case of Johnny Walker Black per month and that you sell two cases per month.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Okay, and that same thing holds true of every liquor that you sell.

Can you explain that?

Yeah, I can, but-- but I don't want to.

Why is that?

'Cause it's not a good explanation.

Do you want me to say it for you?

Because I think we both know what we're talking about.

Sure.

You're watering down the liquor.

Yeah.

By 50%.

Yeah.

That's indefensible.

That's why I didn't want to say it.

Why would you do that?

Why?

Because you make twice the money.

What's wrong with this guy?

How can you do that to your customers?

Do you know what would happen if we served unwatered whiskey to these rummies?

Half of them would have been dead years ago.

These aren't customers. They're alcoholics.

Sir, that is a deception.

Oh.

That is a terrible deception.

Oh, all right, look, everybody listen up.

Get out of the way.

Listen up.

Just want to let you know, we've been watering down your drinks, for years, for 100 years.

So when you get a sh*t, it's about half booze, half water.

Anybody have a problem with that?

I knew it.

You f*ckers.

This place is so awesome.

Have a good day now, okay?

Okay, everybody, listen, we need to close up early.

sh*t!

Everybody's got to go.

You all gotta go, now.

Why are they closing?

See you, Leon.

Have a good one.

So, um, want to get a six-pack, go back to my apartment?

You want me to?

You want to?

Marsha, stick around.

Why should she stick around?

Because this concerns her.

Concerns her how?

Stick around, Marsha.

Hello, Sylvia.

You're not gonna say anything.

What's, this some kind of game?

No, I have nothing to say to you.

Not even hello?

No, especially not hello.

Not hello.

(chuckling)

You're a mess.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good.

Are you okay?

I'm all right.

Good.

You doing all right?

Yeah, you know.

Yeah.

Fine, fine.

You taking care of yourself?

Yeah. Mostly.

How is Rachel? She still living with you?

Yeah.

Good.

Still.

Did you take care of the urinary tract thing or did you just sort of ride it out?

Sylvia, yes, it's fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

All right.

You doing all right?

Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, you know.

Kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, Franklin's been hanging around my house all summer with his loser friends.

I swear to God, I pay that school 26 grand a year just to keep him away from me.

Hey, Pete, come on down.

No, no, no, no, no, hey, hey, let him rest, he can't-- just, he needs--

This is a family meeting.

He's the reigning Pete, he's got to be present.

No, this is not a family meeting, this is a courtesy meeting before I bring legal action.

So why is she here?

She?

I said, she stays, too.

Oh, she.

What, because she was the last person our dad was f*cking before he d*ed?

That doesn't make her family, Pete.

f*cking is how you make family.

(Sylvia)

Oh, Christ almighty.

Now, what's this? This your legal action here?

Yes, this is Randall. Randall-- Randall is representing me.

Hello, nice to meet you all.

I hope we can resolve this amicably.

This is your representation? This is your lawyer?

Yes.

Randall?

Hello, Randall.

Come on, Pete, stop with that.

What? He's a sissy.

Come on, it's 2016.

Not for him, it isn't. Cro-Magnon idiot.

Don't bother, Sylvia.

No, his h*m* bullshit is unacceptable.

Well, I wouldn't have gotten very far as a lawyer in New York if I didn't accept it.

At least I don't have to put up with it every day like he does.

Hey, Pete.

Pete, hi.

Hi, Sylvia.

He ran out of Probitol.

He what? How-- how could you let that happen?

I didn't let it happen.

So what the hell's wrong with you, anyway?

What, you get cuckoo if you don't have a pill?

Pete, Pete, he has a mental condition.

No, come on, he's just agitated, that's all.

So what? You calm down.

You know, you feel something strange coming on, you just-- you calm down.

What the hell do you need a pill for?

Listen, I would really like to get started because we have a bit of ground to cover.

From my read of things, this case covers a common law issue regarding Sylvia and her brothers, involving this bar, which they inherited from their father when he d*ed a year ago.

That's not what happened, that's not the way this works.

You know, you have no business being here.

Pete, please, don't start with the-- the nonsense about the Horace & Pete lineage, this is not "Game of Thrones."

Okay, Mister--

It's Uncle Pete.

Okay.

If my notes are correct, you were Horace Sr.'s first cousin?

Which really gives you no role here.

Hey, screw you, Randall.

He was Horace and I was Pete and now he's gone and that makes me Uncle Pete and these two now are Horace and Pete.

All right, we're not gonna do this, okay, 'cause this is old bullshit malarkey.

This is how it's been done for 100 years!

100 years!

Okay, everyone, please just a minute here.

Let's just get the facts clear first.

Horace & Pete, this bar, previously owned by Horace Wittel, deceased one year ago today.

Really?

Yeah, it's not a coincidence.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Mr. Wittel, having left no will on record, common law is applied, leaving care and ownership to his children, Horace Wittel VIII and Sylvia Wittel.

None of that's true.

Hey, can we let him finish, please?

He didn't leave it to her, he left it to Horace and Pete.

Okay, common law says that he left it to all of his children equally, by default, and that after a year, because these two have let the business steadily decline, I as a partner have a right to take over control of the business to dissolve it.

This bar belongs to Horace and Pete.

Marsha here gets a cut when business is good, I get my cut.

No, no, not anymore.

And Sylvia, if you want a share of this, then I suggest you get knocked up, if any man will have you, and then give birth to a son and call him Horace, because you're not gonna get anything bringing this f*g in here.

(Sylvia)

Holy sh*t.

No offense, Randall.

Peter--

No, no, just a minute, Sylvia.

This is what you brought me here for.

Okay.

So tell me, Peter...

Tell me what you know that I don't.

Because, like you said, Horace VII left no will, because we don't use wills, we don't leave wills.

We have traditions.

Okay, Pete, none of this means anything.

No, I want to hear this.

Go ahead, tell him. Tell him all the whole thing.

Horace & Pete's was opened in 1916--

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

I'm telling the story.

Go ahead, tell it.

Hey, I have a story.

I'll tell it.

Come over here. Come here.

Do you drink?

Sure.

Take a taste of that.

Wow, that's wonderful.

That's because it's 100 years old.

That, my Miss Randall, was the first bottle of whiskey ever purchased for this place.

I mean, that is the most incredible whiskey I've ever tasted.

I've never tasted anything like that.

It's like... drinking time.

This bottle was bought by Horace Wittel.

Wittel, Horace Wittel.

And in 1916, he started this place and operated it with his brother, Pete.

Now, in the meantime, Horace had a son named Horace and Pete had a son named Pete.

And when they d*ed, those Horace and Pete inherited the place and they ran it as the new Horace and Pete.

And it's been like that, passing down from generation to generation ever since then.

Always in the family, always owned by a Horace and operated in partnership with a Pete.

Sometimes they were brothers, sometimes they were cousins.

Me and my cousin Horace owned this place until he d*ed a year ago today.

And then it was passed on to this worthless f*ck Horace and his worthless f*ck cousin Pete.

So--

What?

What?

You said cousin.

So?

We're not cousins, we're brothers.

No, you're not, stupid.

No, Pete, our brother Pete.

(Uncle Pete)

No, he's not.

What are you talking about?

Horace wasn't your father.

(Horace)

Yes, he was.

No, he was--

He was my kid.

I don't like kids.

So I put him in with Horace's, that's all.

Are you f*cking serious?

What? It's not serious. It's what is.

Wait a minute.

So who's his mother?

Never mind that. That-- that's none of your business.

No, I kinda think it is, Pete.

Oh, okay, all right, she had him and she d*ed and then I have him over to Horace when Sylvia was two.

You're not-- you're not kidding.

This is-- this is true? So you gave up your son?

I don't like kids.

And then you married Aunt Dorothy and had--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Look, that's not the story here.

This is the story here, let me tell the f*cking story!

Dad?

Oh, don't start that sh*t now, I'm not your father.

I'm Uncle Pete.

Just keep things the way they are.

Uncle Pete, that's it.

Oh, my God, wow.

Wow.

This is the best whiskey in the world.

I mean, wow.

This f*gg*t likes whiskey.

That's why when mom left and moved to Manhattan, she only took you two, not me, because she's not my mom.

Yeah, you'll catch on real quick.

Oh, my God.

Look, I kept you in the family, didn't I?

You're Pete.

You're the new Pete of this new generation.

That means you own this bar along with Horace and you can do with it whatever you want.

None of this is written down or documented anywhere.

It has absolutely no basis in law.

It is f*cking madness.

This place belongs to me and Horace, through basic common law, okay?

Randall, please?

That's right.

Common law.

Common law.

Common law. Okay, now, look, I'm not--

You know, I'm not an educated guy or anything, but it seems to me that common law is when there's nothing written down, right?

Like there's no will, right?

And that's when you go to a generally agreed upon principle of law, is that-- is that right?

Yeah, pretty close.

So what about our family law?

What about-- what about our common law?

What do you mean?

This family, this establishment has a tradition, it has a history, it has bylaws that have been followed by the letter for a 100 years.

You're gonna tell me that if this goes in front of a judge, he's not gonna pay some respect to that?

Here in Brooklyn?

Well, not--

No, that is why we are here.

Because common law, not family law, common law dictates that because he f*cked the place up, it gives me the right to sell it.

Oh, stop it.

You're not gonna sell this place.

I see you coming a mile away.

What are you?

It's always been a woman in this family always trying to shut the place down.

You know, the very first Horace & Petes, they started this place just to get away from their wives.

It's always been a female in the family.

Oh, my God, Pete, are you proud of that?

All that misery in this f*cked-up place in our family?

Why are you holding on to that?

Why do you want us to hold on to that?

Why can't we all--

We're not gonna close this place down!

Pete, Pete, you are the most unhappy man I have ever known in my whole life.

My whole life.

Horace is gone. Everybody's gone, okay?

Let us sell this place.

Let us get on with our lives.

We will get you nice place in Florida.

You can get a mail order bride, you can f*ck her mouth until you're dead.

Our brother can go back to his accounting job with real live human beings and pretend he's one of them.

A 100 years, Sylvia.

100 years of misery is enough, it's enough, Pete.

Misery is something you get past, not something you pass on to your children.

Boy, if your father could hear you...

Yeah, my father was a wife-beater and a f*cking brute and a narcissist.

And thank God our mother got us out of here.

How many wives have been beaten in this place, Pete?

This has never been a good thing.

So you are Pete's father.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, now I just got that, too.

Boy, did you f*ck things up, Horace.

You see what a mess you made by not stepping up?

You're supposed to be the f*cking boss.

I don't-- I don't care.

You should be defending this place, you, not me, I'm old.

I don't care.

I'm not the new Horace, okay?

I'm not-- I'm not the boss, I'm not my dad.

You're a loser.

Okay, fine.

I'm a loser, if that's what you want.

And f*ck you, by the way, from before.

What?

You said-- earlier, you said f*ck you to me, so f*ck you, too.

Oh, well, f*ck you.

(chuckling)

f*ck you.

Stop it. Just stop it!

Oh, oh, here goes this again.

All of you just stop.

He's talking to invisible monsters.

No, I'm talking to you.

And you and you.

Sylvia, have some respect, this is your family.

You don't bring in a lawyer to break up your family.

And Horace, do you think you have no responsibility to everyone?

Never mind what kind of Horace you are, what kind of man are you, huh?

And Uncle Pete, or whatever you are to me, you want to blame us?

You want to tell your f*cking story?

You want to pour our whiskey to this stranger and tell him the 100-year story of Horace and Petes and how they were all saints?

Just an unbroken chain of f*cking saints, Horace after Horace, Peter after Pete, not an assh*le in the bunch, and how this place thrived until this Horace and Pete.

Sounds right to me.

Yeah, tell yourself another story.

Yeah, we're probably the worst Horace and Pete yet.

I'm incompetent and he's unwilling, but whose fault is that, huh?

How did this place survive for 100 years?

A family business, how did it survive?

(sighs)

Because all the Horace and Petes before you were good fathers, that's why.

Because they kept the family together.

Yes, they b*at their wives and they raised their sons right.

What kind of fathers were you two?

You, the Pete and the Horace before us, their dad, who until a minute ago, I thought he was my dad.

Yeah, you two were lucky.

You f*cking lived somewhere else.

I had to stay here and watch that guy love nobody but himself.

Three wives, he loved none of them.

And you, Pete, what kind of a father were you?

Look at me, Pete!

Family law?

What kind of a family man are you?

None of us has a claim to this f*cking place.

And I'll tell you something else.

Yeah, I am f*cking crazy and you think that's funny.

Let me tell you this right now.

If you ever talk to Sylvia the way you did today, ever again, I'll be the crazy guy who tore your f*cking head off.

You took the last Probitol, huh?

Yeah, while I was upstairs.

This bar belongs to Horace and Pete.

Marsha gets a cut, because she was Horace VII's final love, and I get mine.

And you two can give your sister whatever she wants, or whatever you want to give her because she has no rights here.

Okay, none of that will stand up in court, so.

Well, this has been a real pleasure.

None of it will stand.

Let's go, Sylvia.

Marsha, as long as I'm alive, you're okay here.

Thank you, Pete.

You got closing?

I got it.

Okay.

(Pete)

Good night, Marsha.

Good night, Sylvia.

I love you, honey.

Love you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

(toilet flushes)

(door lock turning)

(Rachel)

Horace?

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Ugh, what a day.

I went to the farmer's market and got some of those purple green beans.

Mm, you remember them?

Yeah.

You know, it's so weird, there's just this one guy and that's all he sells.

You have to come with me to the farmer's market, Horace, it is so sweet.

These people are farmers and they come to Brooklyn to sell their wares.

And their eyes are all squinty from spending their whole lives in the sun and-- and they have the soil on their hands and-- and they just bring the country to the city with them and they have this-- I don't know, this relaxed look on their face, you know?

And it just makes you realize that we all just worry, and we don't have to, 'cause if you wanted to plant a seed in the ground and just eat what grows, then you could, you know?

And this one guy with the purple green beans--

He-- he is just-- he has this dog and he just sits in this old chair...

Rachel.

...which I guess he must have brought from the farm, because--

Rachel.

What?

Um... I... I think maybe you should move out.

What?

I feel like I-- I think we rushed into this.

I don't think that we thought it through.

I think that--

I'm not--

I'm not ready to live with a woman again and it's not fair to you that-- you know, and I got my kids...

Horace, uh...

I'm sorry, I just--

What are you, um...

I don't-- what are-- you don't-- you don't mean this.

I think I do, I'm sorry.

I think I do.

You're kicking me out?

No, no, no, no, no, I mean, you can stay, until you figure something else.

Uh-huh, until I figure something out.

Because you've-- you've already figured it all out, so, um...

I'm just saying that you can stay here-- you can stay here until you find a--

Okay, okay, oh, my God.

(chuckling)

God, uh...

(groans)

Rachel.

No, don't.

No, uh-uh, not now.

(sighs)

Well, I--

Bad job, buddy, real bad.

Yeah, real bad.

I know.

No, no, you don't know.

I'm sorry.

You don't.

This is the worst. The worst.

Oh, my God.

(whispers)

f*ck.

(sighs)

Hey, listen.

Just-- shh.

Listen.

No.

f*ck.

(sighs)

Hi, it's-- hi, it's Dad.

Can you call me, please?

Just wanted to-- just give me a call when you get a minute.

It's Dad, thanks.

(door opens)

How come Rachel was crying?

I asked her to... move out.

Oh.

Yeah.

Man.

How long is that-- that last Probitol gonna last?

About 12-- 12 more hours.

Well, bottom line is that in about three days, we can get you more in three days, then you're back.

Okay, then I need you to lock me in my room for the next two days, and I mean for real.

Okay.

Look...

I wasn't lucid the whole time down there.

Did I hear Uncle Pete say that he's my father?

Eh...

So we're not even brothers?

Well, Pete, we're in our fifties.

I mean, what's the difference?

Yeah.

♪♪
♪ Hell no ♪
♪ I can't complain about my problems ♪
♪ I'm okay the way things are ♪
♪ I pull my stool up to the bar ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪
♪ Why do we tear ourselves to pieces? ♪
♪ I just need some time to think ♪
♪ Or maybe I just need a drink ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪