03x03 - Young & First Date

[bunniefuu]

So, ah, what are we going to be doing on our first official date tonight?

Oh... that I can't tell you.

'Cause you don't know?

Not a clue.

But I do know it's going to be...

Romantic?

Yes, and...

Magical?

Yes, and...

Like a fairytale storybook?

Yes.

And unforgettable, just like you.

Oh!

Ew.

You guys are really together?

Suddenly, I'm not feeling very well.

Is it okay with you if I work from home?

Forever?

God, I can't believe I have to wait all the way until dinner to see you again.

I know. I don't want you to go.

How do I say bye to you?

Like this. Byeee!

Elliot!

Hi. Is it time for our date yet?

I know. I miss you so much.

Bye.

You know, I imagined what you two would be like (phone beeps) after you got together...

She just sent me a picture of two sea otters holding hands.

...and this is so much worse.

I'm gonna send her a pic of two kittens sleeping in a coffee cup.

(Groans)

Good morning!

It's about time you got here.

I've been dying to find out who would possibly send you flowers.

I got flowers?

(squeals) Oh, let's see!

(gasps) "Thanks for one month of magical nights.

Love, Dominick."

(chuckles)

Shouldn't that read "Domino's"?

Wait a minute, we've been hooking up for a month already?

Oh, my damn, I thought I was late!

(gasps)

Out of my way, Elliot.

I gotta get me a pregnancy test.

(laughs)

What the hell is so funny?

You? Pregnant?

Please. The only eggs in you are Cadbury.

All I know is I have never felt younger or looked better... and son of a bitch, it got me pregnant!

(laughs)

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby. Baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

(knocking)

Hey, Sofia.

Hey, Yolanda.

Uh, I just got back from Coachella.

Jake said to drop off the food truck keys here.

Oh. Well, set them down anywhere. Kind of got my hands full.

You okay?

Eh, we'll see after I take my pregnancy test.

(laughs)

Pregnancy test?

What's everyone's problem? Why is that so funny?

I'm having sex, and I'm a week late!

So, come tell me a story while I wait for the results just so I won't freak out.

Jake and I hooked up at Coachella.

Ooh, you hooked up with Josh's brother?

That's a good story.

Keep going.

No, you know, at first, I thought, "This is Gabi's ex. Maybe I shouldn't do this," but before I could make a list of pros and cons, I was half naked.

Mm! Have you told Gabi?

Not yet.

What do you think she'll say?

(screams)

That bad?

A plus sign!

(groans) Oh, my damn! (gasps)

I'm gonna be a mom again! (gasps)

Or... Yolanda, I think you grabbed the wrong box.

This is a menopause test.

What?

They don't make tests for menopause!

Oh, "Test for menopause."

I must have grabbed the wrong box at the pharmacy.

But you're not pregnant, so yay!

No yay!

I don't want to be in menopause!

That means I'm an old lady.

Oh...

And my life is over!

What is all this screaming about?

You didn't actually waste your money on that test?

This is ridiculous.

Actually, Yolanda just found out she's...

Pregnant!

Yes, it's... that's right, honey.

There's a bun in this oven.

Oh, my God!

You're gonna get even bigger?

Hey, Gabi.

Hey!

Wow!

That dress deserves a two-syllable "dayum"!

(laughs)

Oh, I missed you.

Thank you so much for driving the truck back with Jake.

You're a good friend.

Am I?

The best.

Hey, can I borrow your new black shoes?

Uh, yes! You don't have to ask my permission.

What's mine is yours and yours is mine. (clears throat)

Since when?

Since I love you!

So tell me about last night with Josh.

Well, we drove all through the night, and, ah, by the time we got to his bed...

Yeah?

...we passed out.

So, in the morning...

Yeah?

...we decided not to do it and to wait till tonight.

You still haven't slept together?

Sofia, Josh is taking his time because he's really serious about me, which is great because I'm really serious about him.

And what have I always wanted, Sofia?

Uh...

That's right.

A storybook romance, and that's what this is, a storybook romance.

And you want to know what I realized, Sofia?

Uh...

That's right.

Everything that's happened has happened for a reason.

I mean, Caroline, Cooper, China, Switzerland, Jake, Coachella...

I mean, so many near misses, so many miscommunications.

It's all led up till tonight...

(whispers) and tonight is gonna be perfect.

Well, at least there's no pressure.

(jazz music playing)

Okay, this is the most perfect date anyone's ever taken me on.

Oh, Gabi, it's just dinner... at the chef's table at the hottest restaurant in town.

Oh, my God, this is the chef's table?

Okay, this is Bachelor level impressive.

It is, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

I told you I'm gonna give you the perfect night.

Oh, you're so good at planning, and kissing, and smiling...

Oh! Show me those cute baby dinosaur teeth.

Oh, there they are!

I love them! And I love this restaurant.

How did you know I've been dying to go to Molecule?

Well, molecular gastronomy blends food and technology, so if you think about it, it's kind of like the Gabi and Josh of restaurants.

It totally is. Oh!

Jane! Gloves on when pouring nitrogen.

You don't want to lost another finger.

Oh, my God. That's our chef!

Really?

Sounded less chiseled on the phone.

Hello and welcome to Molecule.

I'm...

Chef Hunter.

Yes, I know everything about you.

You are singularly responsible for bringing molecular gastronomy to San Francisco.

As I mentioned on the phone, Gabi's a chef.

And a huge fan.

Well, Chef Gabi, I hope you're a fan of this.

(gasps)

It's dehydrated duck breast Mmm. infused with Maraschino jam and served on a cloud of jalapeño foam.

Oh, my God.

The way the flavor mingles with the texture, it's unreal.

And my foam cloud is... on its way?

Sorry, that was just from one chef to another.

Oh. (scoffs) Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, um, do you have anything from one chef to the guy who is paying for everything?

The molecular gastronomy is very cerebral.

I still believe you have to get your hands dirty, so I personally source all of our ingredients...

...and grind my own peppercorn with a mortar and pestle.

Amazing.

And the earth in our organic garden, I till it myself.

Wow.

Can't wait "till" the check comes.

Say, Chef, would you like a tour of my kitchen?

Oh, my God! Yes, yes!

Um, hey, Josh, do you wanna go?

Actually, my kitchen's my laboratory. There's only one guest allowed at a time.

(laughs) Right. Cool, cool, cool.

Um... is that okay, Josh?

Of course. Go. It's all part of the perfect night.

Okay, thanks.

Don't worry. She'll be in good hands.

(squeals)

(flapping and cooing)

Oh, sh**t! Is that bird?

Oh, my God.

It's coming this way!

I'll protect you, Gabi.

No, I will.

(thud)

(wings flapping)

(thump)

(bird cries)

It's okay, folks.

Everything's under control.

Oh, my God, did you just punch a bird?

You're safe now, Gabi.

Nothing's gonna ruin this night.

Oh, ya wanna bet?

Oh, my God!

I can't believe you k*lled a bird!

I didn't mean to! I was just protecting you.

From a five-inch bird?

It was coming at your face!

At your beautiful face!

And now he's dead.

But... but your face is still so pretty.

Josh, no. You don't get it. This was the night!

This was supposed to be our perfect date!

You know, the story we tell everybody and obnoxiously post on Facebook every year on our anniversary.

But now we can't, because it's ruined!

(cooing)

Oh, my God. Did you hear that?

Yes, I did.

(wings flapping)

Okay, he's moving.

He's hurt, but he's moving!

And you know what this means?

Our night is not ruined because this isn't the night that I k*lled a bird... this is the night that I saved a bird, and you and I finally had sex. That last part I shouldn't have said.

To the vet!

"Welcome to menopause, an exciting new chapter in your life."

(chuckles)

Bitch, please.

(door opens)

Hi, Yolanda.

Listen, I was thinking about your situation, and I feel like I might have been a little insensitive.

I mean, think about it. By the time this kid's out of diapers, you're going to be in 'em.

I'm sorry.

I'm so bad at this.

I really am trying to be nice.

Ah, well... well, don't bother. I... I have something I have to tell you.

Wait, there's more.

I brought you cookies... and ice cream...

Oh.

...and pillows, and fancy slippers.

(gasps) Oh! Fancy slippers!

Yeah, try them on.

Oh!

It's like walking on cotton balls.

Oh, my damn!

You like?

I love!

Good.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

(stammering) Uh... I think I just felt a little kick.

(gasps)

Hi. This bird needs help.

He's still breathing, but he needs to see the vet right away.

Okay.

What exactly happened?

He got punched.

Or lightly shooed.

Regardless, we need your top men on this.

It is paramount that this bird lives. All lives matter.

I'll take him back. Have a seat.

And money's no object!

I'll do whatever it takes to save this night... bird.

Night bird.

Gonna sit.

(meowing)

So, I'm feeling pretty good about this. How are you feeling?

Um, could we maybe just not talk until we know how the bird is?

Absolutely.

Out of curiosity... would you say that you're mad at me or mad at the situation?

Both.

Both?

Yeah. This whole thing is all your fault.

All my fault?

Oh... so you don't think you had anything to do with this?

No!

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

Ya did.

If you weren't fawning all over that chef, I wouldn't have needed to protect you before he did.

"Fawning"? I was not fawning, okay?

And what do you mean "before he did"?

Oh, my God, were you jealous?

No! But if I was, it was because I was put in the position of being jealous by you and your fawning.

I wasn't fawning!

I was being respectful of a chef and his restaurant, which you took me to!

Yes!

To give you that perfect storybook night!

Remember? Baby dinosaur teeth?

(Receptionist) Yoo-hoo...

The doctors just informed me that unfortunately, we don't treat wild animals here.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, you don't treat animals in an animal hospital?

Oh, my 12 Twitter followers are gonna get an earful about this.

Okay, so, what are our options?

We can give you some home care instructions.

Great! We'll take the bird home!

"We"? No, there is no "we."

You've done enough. I will take him home. Alone.

Can't leave the bird.

Hey, Jake.

No, I haven't told Gabi yet.

She's out with Josh, okay? So, I'm just gonna tell her tomorrow when she's all happy from her magical...

Freaking disaster, Sofia.

Okay, I'll call you back, Abuelita.

Worst date ever.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But at least there's leftovers...

(gasps)

That's a bird!

Uh-huh.

Oh. Well, I guess you have a story.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a story.

But it doesn't matter because I had this amazing dream about how tonight was gonna go and it went the exact opposite.

I knew this was gonna happen, Gabi.

You just put so much pressure on this one date.

No, it wasn't just one date!

It was "the" date, and I wanted it to be perfect.

God, why does everybody always disappoint me?

Because that's life, Gabi.

People disappoint. They... they don't mean to, but it happens, and you forgive them.

Well, you don't disappoint.

(sighs) Are you kidding me?

I disappoint people all the time.

Not me.

Yes, you!

Like...

If I slept with Jake... (scoffs) and, um, and I didn't tell you, and I told Yolanda first, and then you found out, you'd be pretty disappointed, wouldn't you?

That's the stupidest example I've ever heard.

Is it?

Oh, my God, you slept with Jake?

At Coachella after you left. And I know I should have asked you first, (groans) but I didn't.

I can't believe this.

I just got broken up with, and he did too, and we were both feeling so lonely and rejected.

I'm sorry.

But I bet you're pretty disappointed, aren't you?

Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'm pretty disappointed! This is horrible what you did!

I mean, sleeping with a guy that I almost slept with and then hiding it from me and then telling Yolanda first?

I mean, where does the betrayal end?

Exactly!

I... I disappointed the hell out of you!

But now, you're gonna forgive me and tell me that you still love me.

Am I?

Yes, you are.

Because you have to let all of this fairytale stuff go, Gabi.

Life isn't a fairytale.

Nothing's perfect. Nobody's perfect.

First dates aren't perfect, life is just messy and complicated, and...

Okay, I forgive you.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

Well, then why can't you forgive Josh for disappointing you?

'Cause I'm not perfect!

Well, it's over.

Gabi and I got into a huge fight.

Ha. You wanna talk over?

I've been sleeping with the doorman, thought I was pregnant, and just found out I'm in menopause.

Okay, we're tied. Start pouring.

All right, so what'd you do?

Me? Nothing.

I punched a bird.

(chuckles)

I am getting old.

I've never even heard of that position.

It's not a sexual thing, Yolanda.

I physically punched a bird, and I feel horrible about it.

I needed to protect Gabi before that good-looking chef did.

Oh, so you felt threatened by the hot chef, and you acted like a damn immature jealous fool.

Sorry. I can say whatever the hell I want to now.

I'm in menopause!

All I know is that Gabi and I have been trying to make this work for so long, but... doesn't look like we're gonna get the happily-ever-after we wanted.

Guess you're not.

What?

It was good while it lasted.

It's over.

All good things got to come to an end, boo.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

Where's my pep talk?

Oh, please. I got no pep left. My pep is gone.

Just like my eggs.

My life is over.

Yolanda, that's ridiculous!

Just because you're starting menopause doesn't mean your life's over!

Nothing's changed!

It's called "The Change."

So, you're just gonna give up?

You are still the same beautiful, vibrant woman that you were yesterday.

Mmm, am I?

Are there not flowers from the doorman sitting right there?

Yes.

And does he want to see you again?

Yes.

So, it sounds like the only thing that needs a change is your little attitude.

Mine?

Who else is standing here? Oh.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to say that I need to change my attitude too and that I shouldn't give up.

Well, guess what? I'm not.

I'm gonna go to Gabi's and tell her how I feel.

Thank you for the pep talk.

(chuckles)

You know I got you.

Oh, and by the way, uh, don't mention to Elliot that I'm in menopause and not pregnant.

He's at my house right now setting up my massage recliner.

(chuckles)

And it's got a remote control!

I'm an idiot.

What?

And that's okay, 'cause you are too.

But that's all right, because now I know that we're both not perfect and we don't need to be anymore.

Aw.

That's almost nice?

And almost is good enough, right?

Ugh, you have no idea how much pressure this takes off me.

What about your storybook?

Can I tell you a little secret?

I usually just (whispers) skip to the end.

How's the bird?

Oh, he's a lot better.

He's been flapping his wings a little bit.

I think he's trying to tell me he's ready to fly again.

Like us.

Shall we take him on my balcony and set him free?

I'd love that.

You know, after this, it's just gonna be the two of us again.

Maybe we'll finally get that happy ending after all.

I will... we will.

I just hope this little guy can rise to the occasion.

You too, little birdie.

Ow! Ow! Oh! Get off of me!

(clattering)

Are you okay? - (groans) Yeah.

I think we're gonna need to make one quick stop before the happy ending.

Emergency room? Oh!

Yeah.

Hey, uh, did you know that Sofia and your brother are sleeping together?

Really?

Good for them.

Everybody's sleeping together but us.

Mm-mm, don't mind if I do.

(door rattles)

Fine, I'll just eat without a plate.

(rattles)

Come on! I'm just trying to get a fork!

Having problems?

Yeah. What's going on?

I overheard you talking to Josh. I know you're not pregnant.

Oh. Uh, listen, I am sorry...

It's okay.

I'm not mad.

You're not? Why?

'Cause I baby-proofed everything you love.

Good luck, bitch!

Oh, please. You think I need a fork to eat cake? Come on!

No-oooo!

(laughs)