Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?
Dwight: Tape recorder.
Jim: For what?
Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Michael: Hey, mon!
Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Pam: OK.
Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.
Pam: It's kind of serious.
Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.
Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Jim: You want to talk about it?
Karen: Nope.
Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.
Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]
Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Pam: Huh.
Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?
Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."
Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.
Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.
Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]
Everybody: What? Where?
Pam: On the left.
Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.
Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael: Oh no?
Packer: No.
Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh.
Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?
Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?
Roy: He's in the office.
Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl: All right, what's up Mike?
Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]
Jim: Yikes.
Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend.
Jim: Fantastic.
Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: You OK?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You sure?
Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?
Jim: Really?
Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who's the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Dwight: What's it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael: OK, forget it.
Dwight: OK, I accept it.
Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Pam: Hmm.
Jim: Hmm, what?
Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim: Yeah, I guess.
Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.
Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]
Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael: Not now, not ever.
Toby: About you and Jan.
Michael: Aww, none of your business.
Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.
Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby: All right, thanks Michael.
Michael: OK.
Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?
Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!
Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
Kevin: Jan.
Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...
Jim: Urkel Grue.
Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?
Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: What are you doing out here?
Michael: Island living. You know?
Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael: Did she say what it's about?
Pam: That's all she said.
Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]
Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]
Karen: You sure?
Jim: Definitely.
Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
Michael: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight: There were. A lot of them.
Michael: All right.
Karen: I think I owe you one.
Pam: Sorry?
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Pam: Sure.
Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.
Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?
Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.
Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?
Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Michael: Guh.
Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah. How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael: OK, yup.
Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael: I...
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael: I... I... Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Michael: OK, yeah.
Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I...
Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan: Good, good.
Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...
Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...
Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael: Jan, you... complete... me.
Jan: Oh, God.
Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.
Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]
03x12 - Back from Vacation
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"The Office" follows the everyday lives of office employees in the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. Some extras included, e.g., deleted scenes, gag reel, retrospective.
"The Office" follows the everyday lives of office employees in the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. Some extras included, e.g., deleted scenes, gag reel, retrospective.