01x07 - GED Prom

[bunniefuu]

[eerie music]

♪

Billie.

Billie.

[with lisp] Hello, my sweet.

Oh, my God. Chet?

The very same.

Wh--am I asleep? Am I dreaming right now?

You tell me.

Oh, my God. You're so warm.

I've had my hands in my pockets.

Are you a ghost?

Yes, 'tis I, the ghost of Chet.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see you, my precious.

Oh, God, you look so alive.

Go ahead, you can touch me.

[gasps] God, this feels so real.

It feels so right.

What are we...

Shh.

Okay.

O.M. gosh. Stop, I'm gonna throw up.

Way to go, Brett.

This was supposed to be like a "Scare Tactics" level prank.

Now you're, like, making love to her--it's embarrassing.

What--what's going on?

That's not Chet. That's Chet's brother, Brett.

Yeah, like Brett Butler, "Grace under Fire."

ABC Wednesday nights, 9:30/8:30 Central.

They're twins.

Identical. Except I don't have a lisp.

But...

I mean, I don't have one.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

Yeah, I'm in town for a couple days.

Thinking about investing in a rock company.

I like rock music.

No, it's just rocks.

Well, that's cool that you're stopping by.

Yeah.

Any brother of Chet's is a new Chet to me, you know?

New Chet Brett. [laughs]

Welcome to CLANGENE.

You know, I'm pretty stoked that you're into "Halo."

You must be a beast, sister.

I've k*lled a few stay-at-home dads in my day.

There's this one guy-- oh, he's a total dickbutt.

He spams me every time I get a great w*apon.

Did somebody say "dickbutt"?

Dang it, Kerry! Get out of here!

Who's your friend?

Is he ready to watch me pwn your ass?

I'm Brett, like Brett Butler but--

Pwn your own butt, Kerry!

The point of the game is to k*ll.

Maybe you need to get your video game GED too.

Is that a thing?

Well, guess what, Kerry.

I'm about to take you to school.

The school of--

No!

What did you do?

It's time for class.

That is the meanest thing that has ever happened in the history of meanest things ever to happen.

I think the Potato Famine of '45 and bird flu would disagree with that.

That sounds totally made up.

Those are real things that you would know if you went to class.

[groans]

I don't care about stupid potatoes and sick birds!

If I have to do all this high school stuff, I should get to do the fun stuff too.

We just did Macbeth with British accents.

[British accent] "Is this a dagger I see before me?"

I'm talking about the fun high school stuff, like... prom or...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you're a genius. I want to do the prom stuff.

I didn't say--

Yes! I love that suggestion.

Prom!

No, I didn't give that--

I should totally have a prom.

Yeah.

You're the only student.

I'll ask other GED students.

It's already happening. Brett, are you there?

I'm in.

You don't need a prom, okay?

Gene, I didn't go to my prom, and I turned out...

[clears throat] I think a prom would do you good.

Okay? Maybe you get a little over-the-dress action?

Or under the dress.

[scoffs] Excuse me?

I'm not the one who almost sucked face with a ghost last night.

How you doing?

Okay. [clears throat] You don't need a prom.

I'll play you for it.

You want to play "Halo" against me?

Yeah.

I'm sort of a pro.

Damn, Gina, you are good at this.

Yeah, I've got hands on a rocket launcher.

Good job, Billie.

Yeah, I won a tournament two years ago.

Best New Year's Eve ever!

Look alive. Kerry just logged on.

Why don't you fart-breathers do yourselves a favor and log off?

Because CLANGENE breathes farts wherever we want!

I'm tea-bagging your friend. She likes it!

Where are the tea bags? I don't see the tea bags.

Billie.

He k*lled me.

No!

Not again! My rocket launcher!

Is mine.

[gasps]

My rocket launcher.

Gene, relax, it's just a game.

A game?

A game? Just a game?

Do you remember what k*lled Chet?

A game, Billie, a game.

We can play again in a couple minutes.

What's the point? He already has all my weapons.

What else does he want?

My soul? My mouth?

My brain and also my mouth?

No.

[softly] Something has to be done about this.

Gene, why are you talking like that?

Yeah, stop petting your hands.

And I know exactly what to do.

First step--

Oh, man, poor Gene.

I know. I'm worried about her.

No.

Okay, and hopefully he's wearing a purple T-shirt.

Get him on the stage.

What are you doing?

What?

My revenge plot. My prom plan. Nothing.

"First step: Invite Kerry to prom."

Kerry the "Halo" bully?

Why would you invite him to a prom?

Which you're not having.

Because, step two, when he arrives, we treat him like a prince.

Or better yet, a king.

A prom king, Billie.

Then, when he least expects it, step three.

And you know what step three is?

I honestly have no idea.

Yeah, you do.

You don't know what it is?

Uh-uh.

We dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head, just like in that movie "Carrie."

Okay, it sounded crazy either way you said it 'cause your plan is basically to invite your online nemesis, who you've never met before...

Mm-hmm.

To a fake prom...

Right.

Dump a bucket of animal blood on his head just because his name sounds like the name of a fictional horror movie character/book character that that happens to.

You know what?

Now that I'm hearing it out loud, yes, perfect plan!

Ha ha!

Okay. You're not having a prom.

Is that permanent marker?

What? No.

Whiteboard's broken.

♪

Why would something so bulky be up so high?

Let me help you with that.

Oh.

[grunts]

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

I need this to advertise the flavors at my frozen yogurt shop.

Oh.

Peanut butter, vanilla, green tea.

I don't--I don't own a frozen yogurt shop.

Who does anymore? I'm Hank.

Oh.

"Hank" you for this.

[both laughing]

Sorry. I'm--I'm Billie.

Okay, so you don't own a fro-yo shop.

No, I'm--I'm a teacher-- I'm a tutor.

I'm a tutor too.

No way.

Hand on a Bible. Yeah.

Is it just me, or is everyone like, "You're a what?"

Okay, can you get that Bible back out here?

'Cause if another person asks me, "Why aren't you a teacher?

Why are you just a tutor?"

I swear to God, I'm gonna, like... do something, I don't--

Preach!

Okay.

They don't understand that not every mind thrives on traditional education.

Uh-huh.

Can I get an "amen"?

You can get an "amen" and then some.

I mean, my student, she's like an adult, but then she's also like a little kid.

You're describing Atticus to a tee.

She actually wanted me to throw her a homeschool prom, which is like, ugh--

That's a great idea.

A great idea, is what I said.

Well, Atticus would love that.

Oh.

And if you need a date, I am clearly writing down my phone number.

If you're free.

Oh, well, I ain't cheap.

[laughs] Preach!

Hallelujah.

Oh, yeah.

Glory be to God!

I'm not religious, by the way.

Neither am I.

Okay, good, 'cause, yeah, we're shouting in the store...

Yeah, yeah.

About Jesus.

"Hank" you.

Okay, so I posted the invite on my GED chatroom, Joy's gonna get the streamers, and I'm thinking no band, just my voice.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, prom I think we should get a band for sure.

That's so rude.

I mean, your voice is great--

Hey, Brett. Hey, Gene.

sh**t. Hide it.

Oh, Gene.

Oh. Hey. What's up? No?

I was thinking about that whole prom thing.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, you've been working... hard, and yeah, you deserve it.

We already started making a disco ball.

Brett!

Well, I'm a little upset that you broke most of the mirrors in the house, and this is very dangerous, but points for creativity, so...

Yes, point!

Point!

Both: Point, point!

You don't actually get points--

This is so great, Billie. Prom's gonna be next level.

I'm talking, like, "babies left in the dumpster" level.

Well, that's really upsetting.

No, that sucks. Who thought of that?

And none of the pig's blood stuff too, right?

Just--just a prom.

Yeah. I mean, totally.

Oh, my gosh, that was, like, first draft ideas.

Okay.

Final draft is just like me wanting to cut loose with my GED brothers and sisters.

Oh, yeah, like...

♪ cut it loose ♪

Yeah. Cut it--

both: ♪ Cut it loose ♪
♪ With my sisters ♪

Yeah, you just got to...

♪ cut it loose ♪

Speaking of...

♪ cutting it loose ♪
♪ with my brothers and sisters, ♪

Billie, now that we have prom on the books and everything, I'd like to ask you something.

Okay.

Will you--

[glass breaking]

Will you--

[groaning]

[stuttering]

Gene, can you get me a Band-Aid really quick?

I'll get a Band-Aid.

Band-Aid?

I'll get some Band-Aids.

Will you, um--

No, no, your knees are gross.

No, it's fine.

Brett, you okay?

Mm-hmm.

You need something?

Yeah, maybe a couple slices of brie and some light crackers and grapes, just your basic wine country lunch.

You want me to go to prom with you?

Okay, I'm holding an L with my fingers on my forehead-- you can't see it-- but, you know, for "loser."

Okay, got it. No, I don't want you to be my date, but I would like you to come.

Sort of a promotion from enemy to frenemy.

You and I, actually hanging out in real L?

Am I getting "To Catch a Predator'd"?

[whispering] Tell him he's getting Sissy Spacek'd.

Shh, stop!

Hemming and hawing.

Are you in or you not?

I'm in.

Shaft-deep in your mom.

But seriously, what time is your stupid prom?

[laughs devilishly]

So--so what time is it?

Oh, sorry, 8:00.

♪ This is the end of the song that I wrote ♪
♪ That is the length of time ♪
♪ That I should be brushing my teeth ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ This is the end of the song that I... ♪

Billie!

[screams]

What are you doing?

First and foremost, that teeth brushing song should be on top of the pop charts.

On a more pertinent note, I'm here to finish the query that was disrupted by my unfortunately timed knee accident.

Billie Brown, will you go to prom with me?

Get out of my shower!

Is that a yes?

No!

No, it was?

Get out!

Faster.

I love your body.

So Billie gets on the stage, right?

She announces prom king and queen.

We get Kerry on the X.

I'm gonna do this:

"Drop the blood!"

And that's your cue to drop the blood, got it?

Yeah, I agree. Billie is rude and insensitive.

Are you not even listening to me right now?

No, I don't even know why I'm going anymore.

New Chet Brett, you are my trigger man, okay?

You have the most important job, so snap out of it.

Prom is not about being sad and in love.

It's about revenge and shame.

Tonight, my enemy tastes blood.

Tonight, a w*r begins.

[dramatic music]

Okay, well, that looks terrible.

Not good.

Can't go to prom like that.

Here.

[playing heavy rock music]

[singing in Spanish]

♪

Come on, everybody!

Get behind me or in front of me.

It's not a conga line if you are not behind or in front of me.

[crickets chirping]

[exhales]

Not enjoying the festivities?

[sighs]

No, those people look like they live under a bridge.

Looks like your date didn't show.

He's coming. [sighs]

God, I hope his student isn't too buttoned up.

These people are just so ugh--

Brett, don't touch me!

It'd be fun to take a picture later.

Where is Gene?

Oh.

[R&B music]

♪

Gene, you're not in slo-mo. Stop it.

There's no fan blowing your hair.

[slowly] A breeze.

Don't talk like-- You're not in slo-mo.

Maybe I was.

You're not.

Did you ever think I was for a second?

No, I didn't. I said it right away.

You thought it, right? Yes!

All right, he's here.

He's here. Go, go, go, go, go. Leave, leave, leave.

Okay, let me just fix something 'cause there's a mess.

Oh, what's wrong?

Just rip your boobs out.

Don't touch me. Go, go, go.

Free 'em for prom.

Please, leave. Go, go, go, go, go.

Hank!

Hey.

And you must be Atticus.

You are a young boy, wow!

I like to think that I have an old spirit.

Okay.

Uh, yeah.

Oh, sure.

Come on in. All right.

So where is this student of yours?

Oh, um, the party is in the backyard.

Great. So should we head back?

No.

No.

I mean, why would you say that?

Yeah, why, Atty?

I thought you wanted to have some fun with kids your age.

I brought your gluten-free cookies and your inhaler, so you're all set.

I don't want to go back there right now.

Look, we drove all the way out here to this beautiful home that this beautiful woman invited us to, so what if she gave us a tour?

That'd be better-- I mean, good.

That'd be great.

Yeah. What do you say, bud?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes!

Look at us, like we're a little family.

I'm just kidding. That's a joke. Although we could be.

Just--all going up to our separate bedrooms.

Except for us. We'd have the same bedroom.

[heavy rock music]

Whoo! We're gonna live forever!

Or a few good solid years.

Yeah?

Mm. Boo.

Who requested lame "fall in love" music?

It's for chumps.

Gene!

Huh?

It's me, dickhole.

It's Kerry.

Kerry?

You're here.

And that is what you look like.

[romantic pop music]

♪

Hey.

And last but not least, this is Gene's room.

Awesome, "Halo"!

Oh.

Don't you want to go down and meet everyone at the party?

You know what? Let him play for a little of bit.

Really?

Yeah, we can just, uh, "Hank" out on the bed.

[laughs] Sorry, last one.

Thanks, Billie.

No, "Hank" you.

Okay, that's plenty, really.

Okay.

Hey, so, great party.

Everyone seems real bombed or... blitzed.

Yeah, there's alcohol available here.

Right.

Cool pizza.

We got that. We bought it.

Chill.

Yeah.

[sighs]

I'm sorry I'm so awkward.

No, I'm sorry I'm so pretty.

[chuckles] But you are.

What?

Why are you being so nice to me?

You're, like, so mean to me in game.

I know. I'm sorry, I probably a little too hard on girls...

Sexist.

That I like.

Sexy.

Dance with me?

Aren't we already?

I mean, he doesn't hang out one-on-one with anyone besides me.

In hindsight, this might have been too much too soon.

Well, if it makes you feel better, I'd rather be up here with you than down there with those... teenaged people with their memes and their hashtags and Drake--Drakes.

Well, uh, maybe next time it can just be us.

[giggles] Can I get an "amen"?

Amen.

Okay.

You can get a kiss too.

Okay.

Oh, wait. Where's Atticus?

Oh, this is awesome.

He must have gone down to the party.

We should spy on him. Come on.

No! I mean, nah.

Uh, you know what? We don't want to compromise--

If he sees you, it could ruin his sociali--

I'll go and spy on him.

You stay up here.

And I will report back to headquarters, Mrs. Moneypenny.

[chuckles]

James Bond style.

Yeah.

[heavy rock music]

This is actually really fun.

I'm--I'm having a time.

People usually say, like, "good" or "great" in front of the word "time."

That too.

Could I see you again?

What?

I'm sorry, that was probably really abrupt.

Like I said, I'm not too good at this kind of situ--

Shh.

That's boob for "yes."

You hear me?

Loud and clear.

Squeeze if you can hear me.

Yeah. I hear you too.

[chuckles]

Atticus, what are you doing?

I thought you said you were shy!

Tammy, right?

Billie.

Yeah, [bleep] off.

You're drunk. Don't do that.

Wait, what is this?

This is the prom? Who are these people?

O... kay, I think there's been a little miscommunication.

What's this in your hand?

Did you eat gluten? Unbelievable!

Oh!

Oh, you vomited on her pregnancy.

Don't make out with her after you vomit.

Oh, no, stop. Stop.

She's pregnant, by the way.

That's not just beer bloat.

[heavy rock music]

What's that for?

[gasps]

A bucket of... confetti.

You know what? I think the night is over.

[indistinct chatter]

I thought you were someone else.

No, no, no. I'm a tutor. Fro-yo shop, preach!

No, I'm not doing any more church bits with you.

Would it be too crazy romantical if I just kissed you right now?

Does this answer your question?

Oh, you have blood.

What?

Blood?

Uh-huh.

Oh, I'm so sorry. This is really embarrassing.

It happens when I get too excited.

No, that's okay.

Confetti really makes it a party, no?

I don't have time for this conversation right now.

It's just a little bit of blood.

Blood, blood. NCB, abort the mission!

Not now, Gene.

Yeah, not ever!

What's that?

What's what?

Hold on.

No.

Okay, but--

Come on, Atty, come on.

Excuse me, sir.

I think you need to calm your roll when speaking to a lady of such physical beauty.

Brett, please don't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What, son?

You want some of this?

Let me tell you something, friend.

I Krav Maga daily.

I'm confused. Am I your son or your friend?

We're out of here! Come on, Atticus.

Let's get your EpiPen. Come on.

Doesn't make any sense.

Later, bitch.

Bitch?

At least I can digest wheat flour, son.

Well, that's what I get for listening to Gene, a backyard full of weirdos and the guy that I like leaving, thinking I'm pathetic, which...

I totally am.

I don't think you're pathetic.

Thanks, Brett.

That guy might though.

Thanks, Brett.

Okay, well, I guess that's my cue that the evening is over, so...

Wait, aren't you gonna announce the king and queen?

Are they still doing that?

Yes.

Did anyone vote?

No.

Cool.

[heavy rock music]

♪

[eerie music and heartbeats]

♪

Thank you. Thank you very much. Good-bye.

[clears throat]

And the winner is Gene and Kerry.

Confetti!

[suspenseful music]

No!

[crowd gasps]

What the [bleep]?

What the [bleep]?

Is it blood?

It's blood?

My bangs is blood!

My bangs blood!

I am so, so, so, so sorry.

Brett, what did you do?

Why did you drop the blood?

Drop the blood?

No!

[all gasp]

Ah.

Why did you have an extra bucket?

I got a deal.

You guys look like that "Carrie" movie.

Which movie, Kerry?

The blood one.

Throw a plasma grenade on the ground, another one in front of it.

Basically you have a grenade launcher.

Oh, my gosh, you're so much better as a frenemy.

Maybe I could be your boyfrienemy.

What?

Hey, Billie, even though I poured blood all over you and I saw you naked and you probably hate me, this is the best date I've ever had.

Me too.

Really?

If I'm being honest, no.

Oh, my God, is that pig's blood that I got on your knees?

Nah, I just got super duper sweaty, and my Band-Aids fell off.