01x16 - Because ... Love

Episode transcripts for the TV show "the muppets". Aired: September 2015 to March 2016.*
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"the muppets" picks up almost from where "Muppets Tonight" left off, some 17 years previous. This series is in mockumentary style that follows their personal and professional lives.
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01x16 - Because ... Love

Post by bunniefuu »

Piggy and I broke up for some good reasons, but...

I don't know, she's really been working on herself lately, and the truth is (sighs)

I miss being together (Sighs) So now what?

Well, first of all, I can see you're feeling anxious.


So you should pet my head.


No, no, it's okay.

I'm a licensed therapy dog now.


There you go.


Just get there. Nice.



That does help.


So, part of me wants to get back together.

I mean, I do love all her little quirks, and, uh, the way she cries when her Instagram pictures don't get enough "likes. "


Uh, Rowlf?


Oh, I'm listening. I'm listening.

But... but maybe you'd feel better if you got a little action there behind my ear.

How about that one?



Um, I don't know, Rowlf.

I just feel like I have to choose between my heart and my head.


No, no, no. You just need a sign.



Sounds like it's time to flip my trusty, rusty Buffalo nickel.

Well... okay, let's go.

All right, heads, you get back together with Piggy.

Okay. Here we go.

Well, the answer isn't in the coin.

It's in whoever flips it.

If it comes up with what he wants, he'll react happy.

If not, he'll ask for two out of three.

And, uh, by the way, this bar would be known as Rowlf's Pilates Studio if it weren't for this lucky ol' coin.


(Coin clatters)


Heads! Which, ironically, means "heart. " Wow!

And there's your sign.

Oh, boy.

Now, go get your lady.


Right after you scratch my belly.

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

Tonight, after the show, I'm gonna do something really, really big.

Uh, could you just... A little bit to the left there would be great.

Sure. Right here?


Okay, Piggy, time to go.

By the way, when you were having your surgery, you didn't happen to add a little, uh... ma...?

What? No! Absolutely not!


Hey, look at this weird text I got from Kermit.

It's a kissy-face emoji.


What's that about?



Oh, you don't know.

Know what? What? What?

Uh, well, a couple of things happened when you were on the pain meds.

Um, one, you called your night nurse "Buck-tooth Joe. "

He did not like it.

Oh, no. Was his name not Joe?

I'm the worst with names.

And, two, you and Kermit exchanged "I love yous. "

Shut up! Wait, who said it first?

You did.


But... he said it twice.

Yes! Kermit loves me and we're getting back together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a moment.

He hurt you so terribly.

Are you certain you want to try again just because of an "I love you" under anesthesia and a kissy text?

You're right.


You're right.

Kermit has to show me that things will be different this time.

But as long as he makes a big, grand gesture today, yes!

Of course I want to try again.

I love him, Deadly.


Well, all right, then.

Now, what are you going to wear for the most romantic day of your life?

Something pink and sheer. Maybe floral.

Hmm, such as...?

What if I'd said black sequins?

Mm, please.

Ha ha ha!

(Indistinct conversations)

Hi-ho, everybody. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Listen, it is so great to see you all working so hard on our last show before vacation.

Yeah, there's a lot of talkin' going on, but it ain't about the show.

No, it's about you and Miss Piggy.


Yeah, yeah.

The... the camera was on in the hospital room, and we all saw the love.


Ohh. No!

Whoa, yeah!

And now we're figuring out if you and Miss Piggy should get back together or not.




(Laughs) Those are the pros and cons.

And we're also stumped on lunch.

And I am in charge of the Team Love because... love.

(Cologne sprays)

Ew! (Coughs)

And I am in charge of Team Friendship because guys throw the word "love" around, but they're all talk and no action.

Oh, baby, I'm all about the action.



Listen, Rizzo's been throwing himself at me for a long time.

But he ain't got one ounce of romance in him.

He is crass. He is shallow. And on top of that, he ain't never bought me nothin', the cheap bum.

So, guys, I would love to change the subject and get back to the show, please.

The office is no place for romance.

That's why I am a lifelong member of Team Friendship.


Um, I, like, like friendship, but I like love, love. So, like, I'm on Team Love.


Me too.

Boo, Team Friendship. Boo!

(Indistinct shouting)

Guys, guys, guuuys!

Listen, no offense here, but you guys don't get a vote.

Mm, but it's not about voting, Mr. Kermit.

It's about science. Just as the flapping of a butterfly's wing affects the trajectory of a hurricane, your rekindled love promises to leave a wide path of destruction.


(All gasp)

Oh, come on, guys. This is crazy.

Now, could we please just focus on tonight's show?

We have Bruno Mars. It's very exciting.

Uh, yeah, Bruno Mars canceled, Chief.


Yeah. Just like my biological dad does for my birthday dinner every year.

But why?

My therapist says it's because he's a pathological narcissist, so...

No, no, no, no. Why did Bruno cancel?

Oh, well, uh, was only doing the show because he wanted to woo Miss Piggy.

Yeah, then his manager heard about the "I love yous," and suddenly, Bruno's yacht ran aground off the coast of Corsica.


Wow, like, that's a bad sign.


(All gasp)


Manchego cheese.


Kermit, Kermit, wait a...


Ignore all of them. I think you are being very brave.

I don't know.

I do. If it was me, and I worked so hard to rebuild my friendship with Piggy after that devastating break-up, I'd be too afraid to try again.


Especially when it's so obvious that you're not exactly made for each other.

What? Now, now, just wait just a second, Fozzie.

Look, she's changed a lot since then.

Plus, she's the star of the show. Right?

If it doesn't work out and it gets so ugly that one of you has to go, it's certainly not gonna be the one with her face painted on the building.

Well, I...

But if I know you, and I do, I'm sure you've already given this plenty of thought.


Actually, I flipped a coin.

Who are you?


And what have you done with Kermit?!


(Yolanda screams, crash)

(Clears throat) (Singsong voice) Oh, Kermit! Where are you?

(Yolanda groans)

This is why we have a no-fan rule.




Hmm? Oh.







Get that camera out of here. Stop sh**ting me.

sh**t something else.



(Indistinct conversations)

And now they're out of hand sanitizer.



Scooter, this is ridiculous. Look at all these people.

Yeah, well, Kermit was distracted by all the Piggy business, and he meant to send an e-mail telling everyone they can invite a plus-one to the show, but he wrote a plus-11, and look at this place!

Yeah, tell me about it.

I've already made four runs to Trader Joe's, and the bathrooms are looking like it's day three at a music festival.

Ugh! And Kermit put me in charge of finding a backup musical guest while he works on Bruno Mars.


Scooter, did you say "musical guest"?

I did, Howard.

Well, you know that I manage some of the freshest acts in show business.


And, of course, you've heard of the white-hot group Geri and the Atrics?

Oh, yeah, I love those guys.

But weren't they like 100 years old 100 years ago?

And now they're even older. (Chuckles)

One of them had a thing with Teddy Roosevelt.



Oh, where the heck is Kermit?

Piggy keeps walking by my desk in different outfits.

Si, si. My favorite was the sexy financial aid officer at a junior college.

(Both laugh)

Where is he? Kermin?


Kermin? (Cellphone dings)


You're kidding.


Oh, hi, guys. How's it going?

I knew it! You're hidin' from Piggy!

Oh, no, no. Don't... don't be crazy. I am simply producing tonight's show from inside this drawer. (Scoffs)

Uh, has Bruno Mars' agent returned any of my calls?

No! See, this is why you and Piggy are a disaster.

You say "I love you" once, and the show's already falling apart.

Kermin, there's no need to fear the love.

Hold your breath.

What? What are you... Aah!


Oh, hey, Kermit, Howard Tubman's pitching a bunch of his clients to replace Bruno Mars, and I'm leaning towards Bobby Benson's Band of Babies who look like Tiny Monsters.

Uh, no, no, no, no. Just lean in a different direction.

Hey, boss. These plus-11s are piling up.

I'd love permission to maul the next one who asks if I'm the bear from "The Revenant. "

Hey! How late is lunch, right?

Okay, guys, this is a lot of things, and I really need to think, so could somebody just shut my drawer, please?

No, no, no, no. You got to nip this Piggy thing in the bud so's you can focus.

No, no, no. Don't listen to her. Her brain is so tiny.

You don't want to get into a head-size contest with me, prawn man, okay?

I'm gonna tell you something.

No, I...

Here's the point...

Will you two stop fighting?! Now listen.

There are just too many signs that Piggy and I can't be together and work together.


But love!

No, I'm gonna tell her that we should just be friends, but after the show.

Right now we have a job to do.

Bobo, deal with the guests, okay?

On it.

Pepe, do the writers have new sketches ready for tonight?

Oh, no. We have not done a thing.

What? What?

But that's just because... love. (Cologne sprays)

Will you stop doing that? And write, write, write!

Scooter, keep looking for a backup musical guest.

I am going to go try to talk to Bruno Mars' agent in person.

No, no, no, no!

Wait, we haven't quite...

Oh, excuse me, miss. I'm sorry.

He jumped out the ding-dang window.

All right, where is the frog?

I'm dealing with restless pig syndrome.

Well, tell Piggy to hold her horses, okay?

Kermin is working on something very big to show how much he loves her.


But, Pepe!

But love.

But, Pepe!

I said, "But love"! (Cologne sprays)


(Both coughing)

Oh, Piggy, guess what.

Where on Earth is Kermit?

I texted him a kissy face back.

Plus a frog, plus a pig, plus a diamond.

But then nothing. Do you think he's waffling?

Ish verdy zherdy waffle?

Not that kind of waffle, Chef.

But, yes, of course.


Don't worry, Piggy.

Apparently, there's a grand gesture afoot.

Really? That's my favorite kind of gesture!

Gloria, Foo-Foo, you're about to get a daddy!

(Squawks) Yes! Yes! That's right! (Whimpering)

♪ And green can be big ♪
♪ Like an ocean ♪
♪ Or important ♪
♪ Like a mountain ♪
♪ Or tall like a... ♪
♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

What the hey? Jack White?

Hey, Jack! Jack!

Hey, Kermit!

How are you?

You can drive?

Well, yeah.

This is... this is so crazy.

Uh, here I am scrambling for a musical guest, and... and I've been trying to figure out what to do about me and Piggy, and here you are, singing "You Are the Sunshine Of My Life," which is our song. It's, like, the biggest sign in the world.

"Our song"? I thought... I thought our song was "Froggy Went A-Courtin'."

Oh, oh, no, no, no, not... No, not...

Uh, uh, uh, pull over.

Not me and you.

Pull over. We need to talk. Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.


Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Aren't they wonderful? They are unique.

Okay, now, each Muppaphone will want its own trailer.

But they're only about six inches around, so shoe boxes are fine.

Shoe box. Got it.

Okay, uh, who's next?

Oh, uh, let's see.

Oh, well, there's Bobby Benson's Baby Band.

Hello, babies.

Uh, but they have a hard out at 5:00 p.m. for tubby time.

Oh, well, they already seem a little cranky, and the show might be past their bedtime.


Uh, who else you got?

♪ Mahna, mahna ♪
♪ Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot ♪
♪ Mahna, mahna ♪

Yep. This is a catchy one.

♪ Mahna, mahna ♪

Take that, Bruno Mars!

♪ Doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot ♪
♪ Doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot ♪

(Sighs) Man, I don't understand something, Kermit.

Why do you let your friends rattle you so much?

I mean, you love Miss Piggy.

I mean, I know I do, but it's a tricky situation, Jack.

Yeah, I guess so.

But love.

You're right. What... what... what am I doing?

I've got to go get my girl, right?



I think so.


Well, you know, I don't suppose you'd want to come along and be our musical guest, too, because if the guy who helped me figure out my love life could also fix my work problem, well, that'd make a pretty great end to the story.

Oh, yeah. Like I've got nothing better to do, right?

I mean...

Oh, yeah, sorry. Of course. Well...

Well, actually, I don't have anything better to do today, so, uh...

Oh, amazing!

Okay, let me just, uh... Let me make one quick call, okay?

All right.


Pepe, listen, I am on the way back to tell Piggy I love her, and the grand gesture is a go. Can you help?

Si, si. I think we could throw something together.

Fantastic. See you in five. (Laughs)


Hey. What, you're riding with me?

Yeah, why not?

Well, what about your car?

Someone will get it.

♪ I fell in love with a girl ♪
♪ I fell in love once and most completely ♪
♪ She's in love with world ♪
♪ But sometimes these feelings can be most misleading ♪
♪ Ah-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪
♪ Ah-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

I want more flowers in that cannon.

Uh, by the way, where are we on getting a human heart?

Looks like Liberace's quinceanera in here.



What'd she say?

Well, Yolanda is very cynical, but I got a plan in the works.

It may not get her on Team Love, but I think it'll at least get her on Team Friendship With Benefits.


Hey, Pepe. Do you think I could borrow one of those roses?


Oh, you're early!

For what? The Rose Parade?

This must all be a part of the grand gesture of love.

But of course.


Kermin told me to get things ready, okay?

And luckily, I already started because I knew he would change his mind.

Change his mind?

Si, si.

I knew he would, which is why we went with the rose cannon.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Piggy, you know Kermit.

He was sure and then he was unsure and then he was sure again.

He's just a waffler.

Eh, waffle?

Not now, Chef.


Are you telling me... Leave the waffle.

Leave the waffle.

Are you telling me Kermit still isn't sure?


Deep down, he always knew he wanted to be with you.

Yeah, he probably didn't even need to flip that coin.

I'm a coin flip?!


That's it.

It's not gonna be any different this time.


Yes, dear?

(Voice breaking) Buy me a ticket to Thailand leaving tonight.

I'd rather spend this break on an elephant than anywhere near that frog.

Piggy! Piggy, oh, there you are!

Don't bother, Kermit. I am done.

But... but... but...

Boy, did you blow it!

Did somebody say, "Blow it"?!



Piggy, let me explain. Look, I knew what I wanted this morning.

You don't sh**t off a kissy face and not mean it.

But then everybody got inside my head, I wasn't sure again.

But... but then I saw Jack White singing Stevie Wonder, and I knew.

Kermit, stop!

Before I even knew I told you I loved you, I knew.

I was so sure that I knew before I even knew that I knew!

Uh, uh, okay, now you're just confusing me.

You're always confused.

I need a frog who's all-in, and you are never all-in.

I'm tired of your waffling!


No more warfels.

Ohh, I hate today!

Kermit, I'm done being hurt by you, so please, leave me alone so I can get ready and get through this show!

But, but, but, Piggy, I...

(Door slams)


Okay, everyone, we're back on air in one minute.

One minute.


Yeah, poor Kermit.

He shouldn't have showed up with words. He should have showed up with sparkle.

But men are dopes.

And this is why I am with Team Friendship.

Well, that's a shame because... Yo, Bubba.

Hey. How you doin'?


I got something for you.


Every rose has its bling.


Hey. You didn't get it from me. You never saw me.

I'm not here.


Oh! Oh!



Ooh! Oh, I love it!

Wait a minute. Is that blood on there? Oh, no, no! Don't answer. I don't care.

Oh, oh, Rizzo!


Oh. (Chuckles)

That's so...

Aw, you like it?

Oh, I love it!


And we're back in three, two...

Welcome back.

Tonight [sighs] is bittersweet.

It's our last show together before we all go our separate ways until next season.

But to send things out on a high note, here's a man who's as salty as he is sweet, Jack White!

Thanks, Piggy.

Uh, you know, I was gonna play something new tonight, but, uh, an old friend asked me if I would play something with a little more history.

("You Are the Sunshine of My Life" plays)

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪
♪ That's why I'll always be around ♪
♪ You are the apple of my eye ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Forever you'll stay in my heart ♪

Oh! Hey, Camilla! How you doing, girl?

Kermin, Kermin, we see what you're doing.

You are wallowing.


You cannot give up hope.


It's over, Pepe. I took too long to choose.

No, no, no, but Team Love has one last idea.

Maybe it'll help if Piggy sees that all your friends are on the right team.

Si. Let's go.

Come on!

(Camilla clucking)

♪ In my own tears ♪


(Instrumental break)


♪ You must have known that I was lonely ♪

Let's dance!

♪ Because you came to my rescue ♪
♪ Yes, you did ♪
♪ And I know that this must be Heaven ♪
♪ How could so much love be inside of you? ♪

(Breathing heavily)



(Finale plays)

(Song ends)

Oh, can I get a hot towel, please?

And a calzone?

Somebody call for a calzone?

Kermit? What... what are you doing here?

Well, I-I'm here, Piggy, because... because I know.

I know it's risky, and I know I want to try anyway.

And on top of all that, I know that this airline does not serve pre-flight calzones.

And, uh, that's because, actually, no airline serves pre-flight calzones.

What? They had one on our flight to Miami. No, that was me.

No, that was me.

But they had one on our flight to...

That was me, too.

I went to Argentina all by myself...

Yeah, I slipped a calzone to the flight attendant.

You did all that to keep me from finding out there's no such thing as pre-flight calzones?

Well, I-I guess I knew you'd never fly again.

Oh, Kermie.

I love you, Piggy.

So, let's just get out of here, okay?

You know, away from work and away from all our friends and... and see what we are.

What do you say?

All right, listen. I just washed down an Ambien with two Chardonnays, but here goes.


Our relationship's always been a complicated one, Kermit.

You know that.

Yeah, yeah, this is true. That's true.

And that's why...

I really think...




Piggy? Piggy, you, you... you think what?

I kind of need to know this, Piggy.

If you could all please take your seats, the doors are now closing.

Oh, boy.


Oh, boy.




Piggy, they're closing the doors, so, uh... we're definitely gonna fly to Thailand together.

So if there's any way you could just finish your thought about us...



(Sighs) Oh, boy.


Si, si, the two of them alone on an elephant for a month in the Bangkoks?

Mm, could be a disaster.

So I'm leaving nothing to chance because... loooove.


(Snoring continues)
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