02x03 - The Funeral

[bunniefuu]

I got news. Where's Daddy?

He hasn't got home from work yet.

Is this about chemtrails?

Because I do not have the energy for that right now.

What's going on, Bobby?

Okay, look, if I tell you the news, you promise you're gonna act just as excited when he gets home and I say it again?

No.

(door opens)

Hey, everybody. Gather round.

I got something I need to tell you.

I got news, too, Daddy.

Sorry, Bobby, I need to go first.

Now, my sister called today, and she told me that my father d*ed.

I just saw Cam Newton at the grocery store!

Wait a minute, did you say Granddad is dead?

Oh, Joe, I'm so sorry.

We're here for you.

Well, you know what they say. People die.

Joe, you don't have to act strong for us.

Just give yourself time to grieve.

No, I've had time to grieve, Maxine.

My sister called about five hours ago.

I had time to grieve, ate at Wendy's, got my car washed, drove back to Wendy's, ordered a Frosty, came home, told y'all the news.

That's a pretty full day.

What's going on right now?

Maxine, death is not all about grieving.

It's sometimes a celebration.

We believe that when you pass, you go to a better place.

Oh, that's funny.

'Cause I believe Grandpa went to hell.

Jerrod!

What?

Am I the only one that remembers what a deadbeat the man was?

Jerrod, enough. Joe, I am going to go cook you the most beautiful dead dad cake you've ever seen.

Don't speak ill of the dead, son. You didn't know this man, and you don't know what you're talking about.

He was never there and left you when you were a kid.

He never sent any money.

When's the last time you even saw the man?

Well, we ran into each other a couple years ago at the JCPenney's.

He came over to me and he said, "Hey, is that a Wetzel Pretzel you got?" I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Are you allowed to bring that in here?"

I said, "I don't know." And then we went our separate ways.

Man, I can't believe Granddad is dead.

Matter of fact, I don't even know if that was Cam Newton I even saw at the store.

It's the worst day of my life.

Quit pretending to be sad, Bobby.

You met Granddad, like, twice.

So what?

I know people that's met the Pope once, and it changed their life tremendously.

Who do you know that's met the Pope?

Fred.

You don't know anyone that's met the Pope, and you don't know anyone named Fred. You're just one of those people who likes to show grief publicly for attention.

We all know what you're gonna do, Bobby.

You're just gonna post a picture of yourself looking sad on Instagram with a caption that says "RIP Granddad" underneath.

So?

Let me tell you something, you got to look sad on Instagram sometimes.

You got to keep your followers intrigued.

You know, they-they need to see all facets of Bobby.

Maxine: You know what, Jerrod, it-it's totally normal for Bobby to grieve the loss of his grandfather.

See, Jerrod? You-you don't understand.

It's okay to be sad. You need to get in touch with your emotions.

You know something? You need to see the movie Inside Out.

I'm not gonna tell you what happens to Bing Bong.

But he dies.

♪
♪

♪ Battle of Jericho, ooh... ♪

Hey, Ma. You in here singing sl*ve songs again?

Maxine, what a risqué dress that is for such a somber occasion.

Oh, it's just that it's my first funeral, so it was hard to find a dress on short notice.

Well, you got the short part right.

I'm sorry. I'm just lashing out.

It's been a hard few days since Joe's father d*ed.

It is a short dress, though.

Coco Chanel says... and I quote...

"Always look in the mirror and remove one accessory."

Which one?

You look like a blind...

I got nothing. You look stupid.

Joe: Cynthia, did you get the music to the organist?

Yes, Joe.

What about the flowers?

The-the white roses, right?

Everything's taken care of, baby.

Why are you going all-out for this man?

He wasn't there for you in life.

Why are you being there for him now?

Because that's what you do when your father dies.

Now, I'm gonna bury my father, just like he buried his, the same way you two are gonna do for me.

Daddy, I'm gonna bury you real good, too.

We're gonna have a... we're gonna have a band for you, a-a gold casket, and, matter of fact, we gonna do the fireworks, right, where-where your name pops up and-and blow up in the sky. "Joe."

Man, I can't wait for that.

Thank you, Bobby.

Bobby, there's a huge difference.

We actually love our father.

Funerals are not about love.

They're about obligation.

Now, I'm the only one that's gonna stand up for this man.

My sister's not flying in.

Our mama's not gonna come. Last time she saw him, I was ten years old and he was walking out the front door.

Joe, you have organized a beautiful service for your father.

Plus, you're scoring points with God.

This might make up for the fact that you didn't leave a note on that car you sideswiped in that parking lot.

Listen, Dad, all I'm saying is, you would've never thrown a party for this man in life.

Yet you're down, like, two grand on his death. Why?

Funerals are for the living, Jerrod.

No.

Carnival Cruises are for the living.

You're missing the point.

Funerals are for people to have a place to go to release their emotions and gain closure.

Cynthia: And for singing songs and wearing black.

Which happens to be my best color.

And I have an amazing singing voice.

Ooh, I am incredible at funerals.

Joe: Oh, that's true.

You should have seen her at our nephew Brandon's funeral.

She sang song after song. Five songs in a row.

We could've sold that as an EP.

(laughs)

Mama, if you sang "Ave Maria" on The Voice, ooh, that's a four-chair turn.

Even Christina, and she don't like nobody.

Cousin Brandon's funeral.

Yet another great service for a terrible person.

I remember everyone telling sweet stories, saying things like, "Oh, Brandon was taken away too soon."

Cousin Brandon was taken away too soon.

Cousin Brandon was sh*t while holding up a convenience store at gunpoint, and they still released doves at his funeral.

Jerrod, why do you always see the bad in people?

He literally stole from everybody in the family.

Yet, at his funeral, someone played the trumpet as they lowered his casket into the ground, like he was a soldier.

During his eulogy, they referred to him as a spontaneous entrepreneur.

He was a drug dealer.

Damn, I need to write that eulogy.

Now, look, this isn't a debate.

I spent good money on today, and we're gonna get in my car and we're going over to that funeral home and we're gonna bury my father and we will enjoy ourselves.

Then we're going to Wendy's.

Thank you so much for coming. Come right on in.

Beautiful dress. There you are.

A program for you. Here's one for you, baby.

Come right this way. Oh, and take a tissue, because we're puttin' on a show.

(chuckles)

Hey, hey. Ooh, sorry.

Look, could you play the song they play at baseball games?

It's called, um... I-I'll show you.

(humming "Charge")

Charge!

That's what it's called. It's called "Charge."

I'll help you. Come on. Scoot over.

Death.

Darkness.

Why are you so hard to write for?

Darkness. Coffin. Painting.

Flowers. Oh, come on, Joe.

Now you're just naming stuff in the room.

Dad, you still in here, stuck on that eulogy?

Yes, I'm stuck, son. I don't know what to write.

It's like I hit a brick wall.

I got what they call that Dale Earnhardt Syndrome.

No. Pretty sure that's called writer's block.

No, I always heard it as Dale Earnhardt Syndrome.

You know, on account of when he was racing and he hit that brick wall...

No, no, no.

I know why you're calling it that.

But no one says that. They just say "writer's block."

Well, maybe we're both right.

We are not both... Look, Dad, I know why you're stuck: because you're being insincere.

Your heart's trying to keep your brain from lying.

Jerrod, it is not insincere to talk about the dead with respect.

Now, what's a nicer way of saying "a cold-hearted son of a bitch"?

Just go out there and say "cold-hearted son of a bitch."

Or don't go out there at all.

I don't know why you're making yourself do this.

I don't know why it's so hard to piece together nice things to say about my father.

Oh. He drove a Chevy.

Well, that's more of a fact, though.

Cynthia: Joe, you're still not finished?

Oh, somebody got a case of the Dale Earnhardts.

Told you!

I don't know why this is so hard.

Joe, I don't want to stress you out any more, but there are crowds of people out there that are waiting to be moved.

It's like a scene in that Steve Jobs movie.

Uh, dead body. (chuckles)

Wow, funerals are harder than I thought.

I keep walking through little pockets of cold, and I don't know what to think.

You know, I think I might just step back into the foyer.

Well, well. "Foyer."

You know, she acts like a cat in a Fancy Feast commercial.

I could maybe refer to him as troublesome.

That's true and that's not that bad.

Joe, that is too negative.

Try to think of a fun way to say that, like "an angel who walked amongst us."

Oh, that's good. Let me write that down.

Jerrod: No.

No, no. How are those at all the same thing?

Dad, maybe you should focus on yourself instead of all those people out there.

If Maxine is right and funerals are for the living, then you need to say what's really on your mind so you can get some closure.

Joe, you can get closure alone, in private.

Or you can just let this manifest into prostate cancer.

Because that is what prostate cancer is, a man's issues with his father lookin' for an outlet.

Why would you encourage your husband to go out there and be fake?

See, this is the problem with funerals... everyone's concerned with putting on a show.

You know, half the people out there aren't even really sad.

They're just pretending to be because they think they're supposed to.

Bobby (groans): Oh, God.

I'm barely holding it together, y'all.

Can't believe Granddad is dead.

I really wish I had my cane so I'd have something to lean on.

Case in point, Bobby Carmichael, everybody.

Thanks for the intro, Jerrod.

It means a lot, especially on a cloudy day like this.

Hey, what's the best way to say "irresponsible jerk who deserted his family"?

"A free spirit who loves the outdoors."

Damn, girl! You are good at funerals.

I know.

Read us what else you got, Daddy.

Okay. Well...

Okay. (clears throat)

(clears throat softly)

"Dear ladies and gentlemen at the funeral..."

Not off to a strong start.

"To die or not to die?

"That is the question, and the answer... is a resounding yes, he is dead."

"He drove a Chevy.

Free spirit who liked the outdoors."

How long was that?

Uh, pardon the interruption.

I just want to see if you would care to view the body before we begin the service?

Okay, let me consult with my family first.

Be right back.

Hey, y'all, they want to show us the body.

Who's in?

Well, I guess I am. Maybe it'll inspire my speech.

Mama?

When in Rome.

Jerrod?

Eh.

What is "eh"? What is that?

I mean, I'll see him if I see him.

(groans)

Look, you got three yeses and one "eh."

Show us that body!

I didn't know we'd be opening the box.

Joe, does this inspire anything?

Take a long, hard look at... this cold, lifeless body.

That's your dad.

You'll never, ever see him again.

So lifeless, so... dead.

Same place you'll be, same place we'll all be.

Same... everybody you ever loved.

Just dead.

Dead. Dead.

Dead!

Okay, Ma, we get it.

Well, Mama, you stirred something up inside of me.

(groans)

Grandpa, since you've been gone there's been a void in my life.

Haven't been able to sleep.

Haven't been able to eat.

Well, not that much.

Jerrod, could you get a picture of me with Granddad?

No.

Come on, I'm hurting right now. Just take the picture.

(scoffs) Fine, Bobby.

Okay, wait.

Get it ready. Wait, wait.

(quiet, mock crying)

Here.

Wait. Ah. No. Come back.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

This is not a good one at all.

We're not centered, okay?

And we need Granddad's face in there.

I am not perfecting a picture of you and a corpse, Bobby.

You are going to perfect a picture of me and my grandfather.

Here.

(exhales)

(sniffles)

Got it. Yeah.

Okay, this one is postable.

We're going to need to get started.

Okay.

I still got nothing.

Oh. Cynthia, quick... write down the lyrics to "Candle in the Wind."

Okay.

Why don't I take a s*ab at the eulogy, Dad?

Here lies a man who took time for the important things in life: drinking... gambling... incessantly cheating on his wife.

Ma, you writing all this down?

You better be careful, son.

That's still your grandfather. Be respectful.

Well, I don't respect the man in that box.

And if we're being honest, I don't respect you for never standing up to him. I mean, you didn't do it when he was alive and you're not doing it now.

So what do you want me to do, Jarrod?

You want me to tell the truth?

Yes.

You want me to go out there in front of all those people and tell the truth about my father?

Yes, I do. I think it'll be good for you.

Okay, then where would you want me to start?

Wh-Why don't I just tell them about the time he hit me so hard with a belt you can still see the scars.

Or about the time when I was eight years old and I came home from school and he was choking my mom... till the life almost drained from her body.

Or I could go up there and I could tell them that to this day, I still feel guilt for not being strong enough or brave enough to protect her.

Is that what you want?

Those are the stories you want to hear?

Joe, honey...

I'm gonna need a minute.

Look, Dad, I didn't know...

I am gonna need a minute.

All right, Joe... you take all the time you need.

I, uh... I didn't know all of the words to... "Candle in the Wind," so in the middle I switched to "Rocket Man."

(quietly): Why'd you do it?

Why did you hurt us?

We were defenseless.

(sighs)

I really don't even know what to say.

I guess I can blame it on that Johnnie Walker Red.

(knocking)

I'm not done yet. I need a minute.

Mom?

(laughing softly): Hi, son.

(sighs heavily)

Mm, mm.

(exhales)

You in here talking to a corpse?

That ain't healthy, baby.

Now, I didn't even know you'd be here.

I thought you weren't gonna show up for this.

Well, I wasn't, but I wanted to make sure the bastard was dead.

Yep, you dead.

I prayed that I'd live long enough to see this day.

Not so scary now, are you, William?

(wry chuckle)

How's my boy?

I'm just trying to... piece this all together.

I don't know why he treated us the way he did.

Well, it was the only thing he knew.

And Johnnie Walker Red didn't help.

I'm supposed to go out there and give a... eulogy.

I don't have any idea what I'm gonna say.

(sighs): I don't want to lie... erase what he did to us.

I don't feel good about saying horrible things about a man who's already dead, either.

Just because I wasn't man enough to say it to him when he was still alive.

Well, baby, now, you can go out there and curse his name or you can go out there and sing his praises.

Whichever one you choose is not gonna put an end to your issues with your father.

It's gonna take time for you to do that.

Mom...

I'm sorry I didn't stand up to him for you when I was a kid.

Oh, baby, don't worry.

I forgive you.

Y-Yeah, but... you do realize I was a child at the time, so...?

Well, now, you could have done something.

Eight-year-olds are stronger than you think.

I'm not saying you would've won, but at least you could've put forth some effort.

Are you being serious right now, Mom?

No, baby, I'm just messing with you.

I've moved on. This doesn't bother me anymore.

(exhales) - I've found peace, and I hope you will, too.

I just...

I don't know what I'm gonna say.

Well, just trust your heart.

Well, I've been listening to my heart and it hasn't said anything about this man.

I hear you.

You want to get up out of here and spend the day together?

Lead the way, child.

(laughs)

We are going to drink, aren't we?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Good, 'cause I already started.

(groans)

Hey, Jerrod, I just threw up.

Oh!

Sorry.

Jerrod?

Yeah?

Oh.

(exhales)

Your family has strong genes.

Hello, everybody.

Unfortunately, I just found out there will be no eulogy.

He's not gonna do it.

But there will be a musical performance!

Okay. And now a musical performance by the daughter-in-law, Cynthia Carmichael, singing...?

"Ave Maria."

Hey, Maxine, watch this.

The only words my mom knows to this song are "Ave" and "Maria."

(organ playing)

♪ Ave ♪
♪ Mari... ♪
♪ I... ♪
♪ A... ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪
♪ Ave ♪
♪ Santo ♪
♪ A mother's grief... ♪
♪ Rocket man ♪
♪ And is filled with love... ♪