01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

From the moment your kids are born, you dread the fact that one day they'll leave you. And then they do, and it's just as bad as you thought it'd be.

I just want you to remember that you're special, and you'll always be my little girl.

Two forms of birth control.

And men are like basketball players... they dribble before they sh**t.

Martina!

It's reality, Mike.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Bye, Dad.

Love you, kid.

Love you.

Well, at least now we know what it's like.

The next one will be easier.

[crying]

Oh, my sweet baby.

[sobbing]

[sobbing louder]

What are you looking at?

It's just us now!

We're alone!

[crying]

Wow.

The empty nest.

We're gonna die in this house.

I need alcohol.

But it's only 10:00 a.m.

Well, on the other hand, we don't have to drive anybody anywhere.

Or cook anyone dinner, or set a good freakin' example.

Hey, we don't have to say "freakin'" anymore!

We can swear when we want, drink when we want, have sex when we want, and have sex when we want.

There's a reason I said that twice.

This could be good.

This could be really good.

♪ It might seem crazy what I'm bout to say ♪
♪ Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break ♪

Finally getting rid of the play room.

Turn it into a media room.

Big-ass plasma.

I'm gonna have an old timey popcorn machine, one of those big chairs with the cup holders.

I'll be just like a Hollywood douchebag.

[sniffing]

[gasps]

Look what I found.

That's pot.

Our kids were doing dr*gs?

Mike! Martina!

It's your parents!

Hide the pot!

Wow, I just felt so young.

Bob?

What?

They're in the playroom!

What?

The playroom!

They're fine.

Alice, again, the key that we made for you and Dad was for emergencies.

We knocked on the door, and you didn't answer.

It could have been an emergency.

Why didn't you just ring the bell?

Ring the bell?

Child please, we're family.

Family doesn't ring the bell.

Oh, hey, Pop.

Oh, good, you're finally cleaning this room.

You didn't have all these toys when you were a kid.

I know.

You spoiled those girls.

You know, when Mike was young, I taught him how to do m*llitary sheet corners.

He couldn't go out to play until I could bounce a coin off his tightly made bed.

I still get a little tense when I see a quarter.

We tried to help with Stella and Shea.

Yes, you were here all the time.

Well, we're headed to the store.

We'll bring you back some doughnuts.

Alice, we don't eat doughnuts.

And you know I'm gluten free.

Oh, that nonsense.

That's why you're so skinny.

I don't think I'm too skinny.

You can't see your own skinny.

It's like smelling your own breath.

You need someone else to tell you that it's bad.

Mike, I'll pick you up some breath mints.

When are you gonna stand up to them?

Well, I've always said "soon," but now that they're moving, I can give the truthful answer: never.

So what are we gonna do with this?

[Tommy James & the Shondells' "Crimson and Clover"]

♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪
♪ ♪

What if "Horton Hears a Who!" is real?

Deep.

You know what's great about smoking pot when you're older?

You don't get paranoid.

[chuckles]

[rustling at door]

It's the cops!

[screams]

[door unlocking]

Oh, thank God you're home.

Stella?

Brace yourselves.

I left Justin.

We had this big fight, and he's dead to me.

Is he dead to everyone?

Did you k*ll him?

Answer your father.

What is wrong with you guys?

Nothing.

I could really use a pizza, but go on.

Okay.

Well, I'm here because I'm not getting any acting jobs, and my YouTube videos don't get enough hits.

Being an adult is hard.

Plus, I miss you guys, so I was wondering...

Hello, all.

Forgive the surprise.

Shea, what are you doing here?

I'm moving back home.

What?

But I told you I was coming here today to move back home.

What?

Yes, but I reasoned that the cumulative impact on them would be reduced if it were simultaneous rather than staggered.

Ew, Shea, you don't just break into someone's scene.

We're not in a movie, Stella.

This is the real world.

A world where, thanks to this country's hatred of science, the funding for my job has been eliminated.

So like 23.8% of people between the ages of 22 and 31, I've determined the most logical course of action in this economy is to move back in with my parents.

And because of the broad number of young people doing this, there's no longer the social stigma attached.

Is she done?

I can never tell when she's done.

I'm the one who should move back in.

Mom and Dad are like my best friends.

They're my only friends.

Girls, girls, don't fight.

You're equally disappointing both of us.

[knocking at door]

Hello?

We hear voices in there!

Oh, boy.

It's Grandma!

Oh!

Are you girls here for our anniversary dinner?

Oh, no, I'm moving back home today.

So am I.

Well, we certainly can't move to Florida now.

It looks like you need us again.

Who wants doughnuts?

I do!

Me.

They're back.

They're all back!

It's a nightmare.

It's a [bleep] disaster!

Oh, God, we can't say [bleep] anymore.

Where are you going?

There's doughnuts.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

.

[upbeat music]

Hey, you got a passenger.

Real slacker type.

Sounds like my daughter's boyfriend.

It is my daughter's boyfriend.

[knock at door]

Ugh, that knock.

Come in, Justin.

Hey.

Hey.

Here's how you knock.

[knocking]

It's not...

[single knock]

Well, why?

Because we as a society have decided that's how you knock.

What are you doing here?

I miss Stella.

I was hoping you'd help me get her back.

Look, Justin, no man thinks any guy is good enough for his little girl, and then I met you and... please don't take this the wrong way... but I thought, "He's not even close."

I mean, do you even have a job?

I have something better than a job: an idea for an app.

Everyone with the apps.

Yeah, it's awesome.

But figuring out how to actually make it is super hard.

Look, that's the problem with people your age.

Once it gets hard, you quit.

You got to stick with things.

I like that.

Could you text that to me?

Get out.

What happens if I push this button?

That'll get you out even faster.

Push it.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

What a mess.

Ugh.

We spent so much time teaching the girls how special they are.

Why didn't we teach them how to shut a cabinet door?

Why do we buy free range chicken?

I mean, how free are they really?

It's not like they're letting them walk into town.

Speaking of freeing things...

Mike, stop it.

We are not asking the girls to leave.

They're hurting right now, and they need us.

Okay.

Hey, it's quiet.

[sighs]

Maybe we can have the place to ourselves.

Mom?

Mom?

Tell Shea she's never gonna get a date with Carter if she texts like a dorky virgin.

Let me see what you wrote, honey.

"I'm interested in dating you.

Do you share similar feelings?"

Ooh, that's bad.

I know.

But Stella wants me to text "Hang sometime?"

I can't send that.

It's a meaningless statement.

Shea, you have to put yourself out there, be sexy, and stop dressing like Daria.

I've put myself out there with Carter.

Last week, he was making an AU calculation that would have been off by thousands of parsecs, and I thoughtfully pointed out his mistake.

That's love.

Is she done?

I can never tell when she's done.

You never correct a man you like.

Really?

Look, men are like balloons.

They don't want anyone to pop them and show that it's all just air inside.

All you got to do is fill that balloon with what they want to hear.

It's like how for Dad, you act all excited about the Mets.

Hey, I never pushed Shea to be a Mets fan.

You named me after their stadium.

But I love the Mets because you love them.

That's my girl.

Okay, it works.

"Hang sometime?"

And send.

Thank you.

Any time.

If you know all this, how come you can't work things out with Justin?

It's just super hard when two brilliant, complex artists get together.

We're still talking about you and Justin?

Look, Stella, why don't you forget about boys and focus on what you're gonna do with your life?

Maybe you're right.

I mean, I have a degree in theater arts.

It's crazy that I'm not using it.

Oh, you're using it some.

I'm a singer and an actress.

That's like having two lottery tickets.

Yes.

As valuable as two lottery tickets.

Hey, let's all do something.

We could watch a movie like when we were kids.

Perhaps a Disney princess movie.

Not "Beauty and the Beast."

Belle is so basic.

Don't you put down Belle.

She was willing to marry an animal to get a good library.

[sighs]

I'm exhausted.

I forgot how much energy parenting takes.

But they like us.

They really do.

How do we get away from them?

A naked woman in bed with me, the only reason I ever do anything.

Lying, sneaking off to a hotel.

We're like Stella in high school.

No kid talk.

That was the deal.

Oh, yeah.

[cell phone vibrating]

Whoever it is, they can wait five minutes.

I mean, 45 minutes.

But it could be the girls.

It's Shea.

Oh, Carter hasn't texted back.

[cell phone vibrates]

Now it's Stella.

Justin got tagged in a picture with some girl.

Oh, God, my poor babies.

Okay.

No, no, look.

You're gonna do that thing now where you're thinking about the kids when we're about to have sex.

I'm gonna be doing some of my best work, and you're gonna have this worried look in your eyes.

I can't help it.

A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

What about her unhappiest husband?

We should probably just go.

Why?

But that's not fair.

I want to do this.

Don't you get it?

The fun is over.

I mean, this is supposed to be our time, but it is their time again.

Oh, my God, you're right.

This is our life now, isn't it?

And you know whose fault it is?

It's ours. We did this.

We made them our friends.

We were so involved in their lives.

We listened, we supported, we validated.

We blew it.

Now we have to sneak off to a hotel room to get away from them.

If we only spanked them once, we could've saved $200.

We could've saved a boatload more if we'd done what my father did and just left.

It's too late for that.

Okay, I'm in.

They got to go.

And your parents.

All right, here's the deal.

Tomorrow is their anniversary party.

We get everybody together, we tell them how much we love them, and then we kick them to the curb.

Deal.

All right.

Now let's get our 200 bucks' worth.

♪ ♪

Oh, this one is from Mike and Martina.

I bet it's that scarf I've been hinting at.

Oh.

Look, Bob, it's some sort of coupon.

It's airline miles.

Yes, we gifted you our miles so that when you do decide to move to Florida, you can upgrade to first class if there's a seat available.

If there's a seat?

So we go to the airport with no idea where we're going to sit, and then just announce ourselves like we think we're so great?

I don't think first class is for us.

We'd be uncomfortable.

But there's more room, and you get to board first.

But then we'd have to watch the other passengers go by us.

Everybody hates those first class people when they walk by them.

We'd be the people they hate!

Look, let's just call this a bad gift and move on.

Well, gifts aside, I would like to make a toast.

You know, multi-generational events like this remind one of the natural order of things.

First you're a child.

Then you grow older, and eventually you leave home and stand proudly upon your own two feet, taking any job you can, even if it's not your dream.

And then you grow old, and you move to Florida.

Cheers.

But you and Mom always told us to follow our dreams.

Yes, we did, and that may have been a mistake.

See, we didn't think everybody in your generation would have the same dream: to be an actress or win singing competitions.

Surely you're not equating my dream of becoming an astronaut with hoping a chair turns around on "The Voice."

Dad, what are you trying to tell us?

Clearly they want us to leave.

Is that true?

Well, it might be time.

Wow, I didn't know you guys didn't want us here.

Neither did I.

Sometimes I have trouble with social cues.

I was perceiving joy, and you were feeling shackled and burdened.

No, no.

We do not feel that way, and we want to be supportive in any way we can.

Well, that didn't take long.

What is that supposed to mean?

You're going soft already.

You remember the summer that you turned 16?

I locked you out of the house with a bowl of cereal and the want ads, and I said, "Don't you come home until you've got a job."

Now that's parenting.

I hated you that day.

I thought to myself, "I can't wait to get away from these people."

See? Success!

I would never do that to my daughters.

I like them.

Well, there's your mistake.

You love your children. You don't like them!

I want to be close to the girls.

When I was growing up, you and Mom had no idea what was going on in my life.

We weren't that interested in you.

Well, I'm not you, Dad.

I don't push my kids away when they need me.

Girls, you can stay.

And you might call that weak.

I call it a strong man making a strong decision.

It's okay with you, dear?

Of course.

We love you.

Aww.

That's is good parenting right here.

[knock at door]

Oh, that knock.

It's Justin.

Hi, Stella.

You look smokin'.

Hey, everybody.

Justin, why are you here?

I'm taking your dad's advice.

He told me I shouldn't quit on you.

I did not say that.

Well, it was something like that.

You never texted me, so I don't got it exactly.

But he said if you want something, you should stick with it.

And I want you.

Oh, Justin, I want you, too.

You're a full balloon, and no one should pop you.

I'll explain metaphor to her later.

Let's go home, baby.

Um, about that.

We kind of got evicted.

Well, you can stay here with me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys are not even married.

I hear you, bro.

Stella, will you marry me?

No, no, no.

Yes.

I should rub it in, but I just feel sorry for you.

[upbeat music]

How can you drink iced lattes at this time of night?

Why does that bother you?

I sleep fine.

It's just suspicious.

Is she really gonna marry that guy?

Ugh.

Let's don't think about that tonight.

Honey, we can keep the fun going.

How about you go get some wine and I'll put on something ridiculous?

Are we talking parading?

Oh, I'll parade.

I love a parade.

Alice sent me to make sure we're not stuck with those miles.

We'll get you another gift.

Well, good.

Nothing crazy this time.

Now, about our staying...

Dad, go to Florida.

Have fun.

We really don't need your help here.

Well, don't tell your stepmom that.

She was miserable about moving.

You know, it's nice to feel needed and not just going someplace warm to rot and die.

Besides, who wants to be around a lot of old people?

Old people are annoying.

Are they?

I know you think I'm too conservative and old-fashioned, but I did marry a black woman.

That's got to mean something.

Dad, I don't see race.

I see a bossy woman who you married who's always in my house.

Fair enough.

You know, I don't agree with how you raised these girls, but I see how much they like you.

That must feel kind of good.

It does.

I don't think my pop even knew I existed until I was standing in his direct line of sight.

Well, did he ever talk to you?

Ask you how you were feeling, how you were doing?

Never.

Different times.

Yeah, different times, but it would have been nice if he had, right?

Yeah, would've been nice.

Good night, son.

Good night, Dad.

Mike.

Yeah?

How you doing, son?

I'm good.

You?

Good too.

Good.

Did you tell him we don't want the miles?

What?

The miles!

He told me!

I hope whatever you put on is easy to take off.

Hello, ladies.

Good news, honey.

The girls came in to tell me that Carter texted back.

Told you he would.

Remember, two forms of birth control, right, Mom and Dad?

I feel very uncomfortable in this conversation.

Why? We're all adults here.

Then why are you living at home?

Oh, Dad, you're so funny.

I have a suggestion.

How about I get two more glasses?

Ooh, I have an even better idea.

Okay, don't freak out, but have some pot stashed in the playroom.

I'll go get it.

Don't bother.

Why?

We got rid of it.

We smoked it.

♪ ♪