01x02 - Present Tense

[bunniefuu]

[Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"]

♪ I've been really trying baby ♪

Hey, handsome. What's taking you so long?

I'm making you want it more.

It's working.

We can do it right here and not walk up stairs... apply the energy that we saved to the sex.

The kitchen? So dirty.

Really dirty.

♪ Let's get it on ♪

The kitchen is so dirty.

Really dirty.

I guess the experiment of waiting to see if the girls would clean up after themselves didn't turn out so hot.

That was a swing and a miss.

I was up all night helping Shea fill out job applications.

Good. Maybe she'll get a job and fill up that gas t*nk.

Apparently they think the flashing red E stands for "excellent, keep driving."

Well, at least Stella broke up with Justin.

So that's good.

Although there has been a lot of rebounding.

High-school guys had the decency to sneak out the window.

Now they come downstairs, and I have to pretend like I don't want to punch them in the face.

You know what would take our minds off of this?

Remember that naked thing we used to do?

It has been a while.

[telephone ringing]

Martina Moore.

Hello, Jeremy.

Sorry.

I should take this in my office.

So no naked thing.

Morning, Dad.

Hey, sweetie.

I finally got my applications off to every astrophysics lab I could find.

Oh, well, that's good.

Is it? What if I don't get in anywhere?

Focus on my social life, you say?

I don't think so, 'cause that's a complete disaster.

Maybe there's some larger perspective that you could take solace from.

You're right.

Life is short, random, and ultimately pointless.

There you go.

Oh, hey, guys, what are you still doing up?

It's morning, Stella.

Oh, that explains a lot.

That's one crazy-looking wig.

It's not a wig.

I like it.

Thanks, Dad.

This girl Jessica did it.

We got wasted, and she cut it, and I honestly think she's gonna be the next big thing... not in hairdressing, but in telling people what to do.

[cell phone rings]

Oh, it's your grandparents.

The new rule is they have to text before they come over, and then I can text back...

"Not home."

And send.

I'm a genius.

What do you mean you're not home?

We can see you, genius!

What's the purpose of a text if you're just gonna barge in anyway?

How should we know? It's your system.

Oh, good Lord, girl, your hair is pink.

I know, right?

Hi, everyone.

Oh, this is my new friend Jessica.

She's completely freegan, has a sick Instagram, and she knows Drake.

I don't know if those are positive or negative qualities.

Nice to meet all of you.

Stell, I got to bounce.

Okay, bye, Jess.

Oh, my God!

You cut your hair!

[upbeat music]

So, what, you're gay now?

Dad, just because I slept with a girl doesn't mean I'm a lesbian.

Doesn't it, though?

You know whose fault this is?

The Democrats?

Not this time.

This comes from all that "everything you do is great" parenting.

Why are you here?

Well, certainly not to see my granddaughter kiss somebody else's granddaughter.

Come on, Alice, let's go.

It really is no big deal.

She's right. Sexuality is very fluid now.

People don't adhere to specific traditional labels.

What's wrong with labels?

That's how you know what stuff is.

See? This is water.

That's vodka.

I fill it before I go out.

I don't do bar prices.

Great. Thrifty but criminal.

More labels... criminal, gay.

You're so uptight about everything.

I mean, Mom slept with a woman.

What?

What?

[giggles nervously]

It was in college before I met you.

It's nothing.

No, it's not nothing if your husband doesn't know about it, but your daughters do.

The girls are my friends.

What am I?

Dad, I don't want to boring-shame you, but your Disney prince would be Snow White's prince, and his name was literally just "The Prince."

You're a little vanilla when it comes to this stuff.

You are what you eat. [laughs]

Yeah, yeah, Dad's vanilla, but we're all cool and gay.

Well, I'm not gay, but maybe if I were less straight, it would broaden my opportunities.

I keep telling you to try a dating app.

That's how I met Jessica.

I don't know.

Why can't I just meet somebody getting stuck in a revolving door or sharing the same taxi or having a big conglomerate open up across the street from my mom-and-pop bookstore?

And then I meet the head of the conglomerate, and darn it if he doesn't drive me crazy in the beginning... but then he wins me over.

Mom and I will help you make a dating profile, and you've got nothing to worry about.

I've seen you naked, and your boobs are like two perfect handfuls of perky.

I'm out.

And there's nothing wrong with vanilla.

They're exotic beans, and their flavor is exquisite.

Oh, so good.

[upbeat music]

What's bothering you, huh?

Is it that free-love, hippie-commune thing you got going on at your place?

You miss Nixon, don't you?

Every day.

Look, you made a big stink that we should talk more, so talk.

All right, fine.

Martina and I used to have a good, frequent thing going, and now that the girls are home, it's not happening at all.

Wah, wah. Stop crying. You'll ruin your dress.

I'm sorry, habit. Go on.

So I think I got it figured out.

The girls are poisoning Martina against me.

They say I'm vanilla. She sees me as vanilla.

And she doesn't want to have sex with vanilla.

It's like the old days. It's three against one.

I wish I had a son.

It isn't that great.

Look, I went through something similar with your mother, and it's one of the reasons why we split up.

She was a free spirit, into all that New Age crap, and, well, she saw me as a square cop who wouldn't try new things.

You can't let this slide, Mike.

You got to spice things up.

How do you propose I do that?

Well, I got some tips from movies.

Movies?

You know...

movies.

Are you talking about p*rn?

Yeah, but I'm trying to be a little classy.

All right, you got a computer, don't you?

You won't believe what they got going on in that thing.

I know what they got going on in that thing.

I'm just more of a magazine guy.

I don't need plot.

I don't care how the pizza got there.

Y'all talking about p*rn?

I have to say, your father became a much better lover after we watched a few films.

You have to say that?

It seems like you want to say that.

Okay, ToastUp is the greatest dating app ever.

So your picture and your profile are your slice of bread, and when you match with other slices, they pop up out of a toaster.

Okay, Shea, how would you describe your look?

My face is fairly symmetrical, average height, hips regrettably boyish.

I'll put "banging."

Personality?

Typical scientist... methodical, logical.

Brain also "banging."

Okay, for fun, I filled out profiles for you and Grandma.

Just open the app.

But we're married.

Just 'cause you're tied to the fence doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars.

[toaster bell dings]

Ooh, those are your matches.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look.

Oh, my God, they're all so old.

Oh, look at this fine Denzel-looking dreamboat.

Ha ha. That's what's out there looking for me, ladies.

Yeah, he's only a barista, but that just means he's a go-getter.

[chuckles]

Mm, this app is great.

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, wait. What's that? Why is my toast burning?

He's tossing your toast. He's rejecting you.

Rejecting me?

That broke-ass, ratchet, pretty-boy mother[bleep].

I don't have time for this nonsense.

That app sucks!

[toaster bell dings]

More matches, Mom?

No, I created a profile for your dad.

[giggles]

Later we'll laugh about how we can never leave each other because it's really bad out there and...

Oh, my God, Mike could get models.

They're, like, 20 years younger with tattoos and piercings.

Mom, Dad's not going anywhere. You make him happy.

Yeah. I do make him happy... though not lately.

Your dad and I are a little out of sync in the romance department.

Oh, my God.

If you guys split up, where do we live?

But it's Dad, vanilla Dad.

You're right. I'm his vanilla.

He's not interested in young girls.

I'm hot, and I'm 21, and I live in your neighborhood.

You don't live in my neighborhood.

I would've remembered you.

Ooh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[key clacking]

No, no, don't freeze.

Don't freeze on that image!

[women chattering indistinctly]

What are you doing?

Just putting the computer to sleep... like a parakeet.

Shh.

All right, fine.

I was watching p*rn in the kitchen in the middle of the day.

Just one of the many cool, badass, non-vanilla things that I do.

Oh, my God, that math on the chalkboard's all wrong.

That's probably why the teacher's doing that to her.

All right, girls, upstairs.

Look, I can explain. I'm not mad about the p*rn.

I'm just surprised.

Those girls are so young.

And all those piercings?

I didn't even know you could pierce that.

Well, I guess it would help you find it.

I didn't think you liked this stuff.

Maybe there are things about me you don't know.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying, why stick with boring old vanilla when there is kiwi out there?

Why are you suddenly interested in hipper, younger flavors?

I don't know.

Maybe vanilla's getting a little old for me.

But it goes to the gym all the time!

So my mom wants to get pierced so she doesn't look so old next to us and my dad won't leave her for someone younger.

Oh, my God, coincidence.

Spike dumped his old wife too.

Why did you do that?

Well, she was always focused on the kids, even after they grew up.

Well, that sounds like a good mother.

That can be very attractive.

Yeah, but not real hot.

Pierce me.

[cell phone vibrating]

"At the"...

"Gym."

Bob and I have been discussing your marital problems, and we decided maybe we sent you in a bad direction regarding the p*rn thing.

Great timing.

Anyway, Bob wants to tell you something, but he feels uncomfortable saying it.

This is true.

You got to stop worrying about being vanilla.

So go out, find her, do something bold, and rock her world, 'cause the truth of it is, you got a good marriage, the kind of marriage you should be proud of.

And you shouldn't make the stupid mistakes your old man made.

There, I said it.

You and me, right here... right now.

And I'm talking about sex, if that was unclear.

But we're in session.

That's the ToastUp guy I picked for Shea.

Doesn't he look like Hozier?

Sure. Why not?

I've never dated somebody who looked like a celebrity before... except for the one who looked like Galileo.

But, ironically, for someone who looked like Galileo, he thought the Sun revolved around him.

[laughing]

I need to be around people who know that's funny.

I'll get your drinks.

I was hesitant about this at first, but now I'm really excited about my date.

You know, it's good for me to put myself out there, take the risk, dare to be hurt.

[scraping coming from cell phone]

Oh, my God, that doesn't sound good.

What does that noise mean?

Um, that's the toast being scraped off.

It means he's not coming.

I got stood up?

I knew this was gonna happen.

Why did I let you talk me into this?

I was just trying to help you.

It's not just this.

You're always pushing me to do dumb stuff.

This wasn't dumb, okay?

You took a sh*t. It didn't work out.

Big deal.

There's no reason to react this bad.

Badly.

Ugh.

Don't talk down to me. You always do that.

That's why we never hung out in high school.

We didn't hang out because you excluded me.

You didn't even invite me to parties when they were in our own house.

I didn't invite you to those parties because I was...

What? What, you were too cool for me?

You were embarrassed by me?

No.

I was just...

Well, go ahead, say it.

Say how you really feel.

I was jealous of you.

See, I knew you were...

What?

You were jealous of me?

Obviously.

I mean, you're basically as pretty as I am.

[sighs] But you're also so smart.

You think I wouldn't like to know what you're saying when you talk?

Well, I was jealous of you and how much attention you got, how much Mom and Dad worried about you.

Plus, you were always having fun, and you always had a million guys.

Well, I also had my heart broken a million times.

Wow. That's like a one-to-one ratio.

[both laugh]

See, I would love to know what that means.

You know, maybe we should hang out more now that we have no option but to hang out more.

Yeah, we totally should.

Hey, let's go home.

Mom and Dad are probably missing us by now.

Bye, girls.

Bye, guys.

Bye, girl.

Oh, my God, Bob, that's him.

That's the guy who b*rned my toast.

Oh, yeah?

Scotch and soda, please.

Not in my bar, buddy.

That is one beautiful woman right there.

How dare you burn her toast?

Now get the hell out and do not come back until you want to nail my wife.

Wow. This is a surprise... an awesome surprise that I am totally down with.

You got something on your nose.

I got it pierced, see?

It's a little infected right now, so you can't see the stud.

That is... hot?

Hot and dirty... just how you like it.

Yeah, you married a bad girl.

Ooh.

Does this bad girl want to do it on the desk?

Yeah, baby, the desk, 'cause that couch is so lame and comfortable.

The desk is edgy. It's got edges.

Let's revisit the couch idea.

The couch... still warm from Jeremy's behind.

All right.

Hey, not the couch, how about the table?

Ooh, yeah, the table... the one we assembled ourselves with all those leftover pieces.

Okay, not the table, but we've got to decide soon because my torn meniscus is absolutely ki...

Oh, oh, God! Oh, God.

[laughing] What are we doing?

Well, I'm trying not to be vanilla.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to be young and p*rn.

We are so not these people.

What's going on with us?

I don't know.

Ever since the girls came back, things have changed.

I know, but why?

It's not like they're babies.

Well, they make a mess. They keep us awake.

They stress us out. they're babies... giant babies.

You know what the problem is?

It's like, first we were girlfriend and boyfriend, and that was sexy.

And then we got married, and that was sexy.

And then we had kids.

Not sexy.

And then they left, and we were girlfriend and boyfriend again, and that was really sexy.

And then they came back, and we're parents again.

I want my girlfriend back.

And I want to be your girlfriend... even if I'm not in my 20s anymore.

Sweetie, listen, I had this dream one time, and in this dream, I was laying in bed next to you.

And then I woke up, and there you were, laying next to me.

Martina, I can't even dream anything better than you.

Oh, Mike.

[door opens]

Mom, Dad.

We're home!

God, I hate them.

You two have gotten away with this long enough.

What?

Being our daughters.

That ends now.

From now on, we're not parents and kids.

We are adults roommates living together.

You need to clean up, shop for your own food, put gas in the car.

Do we have to pay rent?

We're not delusional.

And now, adult roomies, I'm gonna bang this hot chick I'm dating.

You, upstairs.

Yes, sir.

You two, get a room.

We've got a room. You get a house.